Citizen Khan Series 1 Episode 5 "The Cricket Match"
advertisement
1 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Citizen Khan Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham – the capital of British Pakistan! Community Leader! They all know me – you like my suit? Number One – Citizen Khan! Episode 5 - The Cricket Match Aliya Khan: Oh, is this the new telly? Shazia Khan: ____, isn’t it? __________________________! Amjad Malik: It’s 42 inch plasma screen – ten eighty pixel high definition! The contrast ratio and depth of field are so good ______________________________! Aliya: It’s Deal or No Deal! Shazia: _______________ – ___________! Amjad: You never know what’s in the boxes! Aliya: You’re such losers watching TV – ______________________! Shazia: _____________________! Aliya: ____________________________! Shazia: ____________! Ta ra! Shame! Amjad: Oh, no! _______! Oh, wait – ___________! Mrs Khan: Turn that thing down! _____________! Shazia: We can’t find the remote! Mrs K: Oh – ______________________! I hope you’re keeping everything tidy in here – ___ _________________________________! Aliya: _________! ____________________? Mrs K: __________ – Mrs Shafiq’s husband died, and I’m holding a prayer meeting for her! And ____________________________! Aliya: But _____________________________! _____________! Mrs K: And ______________! Aliya: But theMrs K: __________________________! The entire family’s reputation is at stake! Mr Khan: Hello! ___________________! Aliya: Fine! ____________! 2 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mrs K: ______________________! Amjad - __________________________! Shazia: Don’t worry, budhoo, __________________________! Amjad: OK! Mr K: You shouldn’t be parked there! It’s my house and ____________________! Try and __________________________________! Amjad: Hello, sir! Mr K: Oh, hello, Amjad! Amjad: _______________________? Mr K: _________! Come for Mrs Akmal! I told him, if you want to collect people, ____ ___________________! If there’s no space, ___________________ until there is space! Mrs Akmal’s __________________! Amjad: Poor Mrs Akmal! _______________! Mr K: ________________! She presses that bloody panic button __________________! Probably _______________! Get the bus to Asda __________________! God! Here – help me get these in! Amjad: ______________, sir? Mr K: ___________! ________________ from Cash and Carry! _________ _____________________________! Who needs energy saving? _______________ ____________! Amjad: ______________________? Mr K: Of course! _____________________________! Mr K: So – what do you think of the new TV? Good, eh? Amjad: Yes, sir – ____________! It’s like ______________________ as Noel Edmonds! Mr K: Well, __________________________! Amjad: ________? Mr K: ___________! England v Pakistan, __________________! Pakistan zindabad! Pakistan zindabad! Amjad: _______________________________! Mr K: You know, I used to be a bit of a player __________________, you know! Amjad: _______________________________! Mr K: Khan’s on ninety nine! Lillee bowls! He smashes it for six! He can’t escape! Amjad: _____, ___! 3 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: It’s OK! ______________! Now, _______________________________? Amjad: _______! Me and Shazia are ____________________! Mamma Mia’s! Mr K: _____________, boy, but I tell you what – ________________________________ _______! Pakistan zindabad! Pakistan zindabad! Oh, _____, _______! Mrs K: _____________! ______________________________? We’re supposed to be in mourning, remember? Mr K: We are? __________? Mrs K: Mrs Shafiq’s husband! Mr K: Oh, no! Oh, dear! ____________! Who’s Mrs Shafiq? Mrs K: ________________________________! She’s coming round with ___________ _____________________ for prayers! Mr K: But sweetie! Mrs K: ____________________________________________! Mr K: OK, butMrs K: ___________________________________ – so __________________________, they’ll tear me to shreds and I’ll never be able to ____________________________! ___________________________________! Mr K: But ________________________! Mrs K: So? Mr K: So what is the point in paying a special one pound fifty a month for twenty five years hire purchase price for brand new, previously used for demonstration purposes plasma TV if I can’t even ______________________________? Mrs K: ___________________________ – we’re holding funeral prayers. __________, __ ___________! Mr K: You think you have control of this house, don’t you? ______________________ _______ – __, __________! ____________, _______! Mrs K: __________________________________________! Mr K: ________________________________! Mrs K: So, ___________________________? Mr K: _______________! Keith: _________, Mr Khan! Mr K: Hello, Keith! Keith: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan! 4 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: _________! Keith: _____________________________? Bet the picture’s good, is it? Better than my old set! _________________________________ – _____________________! Mr K: ________________? Keith: No, nothing! Just – you know, maybe I could ______________________! ________ _________, in case I wanted to upgrade! Mr K: We’ve only got Al-Jazeera! Keith: Oh! Mr K: Do you hear that? No squeak! __________! What’s yours? Very whizz, isn’t it? _______! Radio commentator: _____, ________! Today’s eagerly anticipated twenty-twenty match here at Trent Bridge ____________________________ is expected to be a cracker! Stuart Broad will lead out his young side in a must win- Mr K: Pakistan! Riaz: Zindabad! Mr K: Pakistan! Riaz: Zindabad! Mr K: Get the pakoras out, __________________________! Riaz: As-salaamu aleikum, Mr Khan there! Mr K: Wa aleikum salaam, Riaz! _______________________________? Riaz: Oh, yes – __________________! Mr K: ________! __________________ – big fan of the cricket? Omar: Er – _______________________________________! Mr K: Of course you have! Omar: Er – football is the big game in Somalia! The Ocean Stars are the national team. Unfortunately _____________________________________ because of the terrible civil war which is still going on! Mr K: You see? ________________! Omar: _______________________________________! Mr K: What? This isn’t the dark ages! _____________________! _____________________ _____________ – ______________________________! Omar: But what about Dave? 5 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: Don’t worry about him! This is going to be great! Mr K: Pakistan! Riaz: Zindabad! Mr K: Pakistan! Riaz: Zindabad! Dave: As-salaamu aleikum! Mr K: Hello, Dave! Dave: _________________, __________? Mr K: Well for a starters, _________________________! ____________________! What part of “I’m Seriously, not your Dave, brother” ____________________? Dave: Well I just thought ____________________________________ andMr K: ______! Dave: -you know, _____________________Mr K: _____! Dave: -and you call me Dave, so _______________________Mr K: _______! Dave: Right! _________________, _______? Mr K: Fine, thank you, Dave! ______________? Dave: ___________________________? Mr K: ____________________! England v Pakistan! _____________________, aren’t we, boys? Riaz: Oh, yes! Pakistan – Riaz, Mr K: - zindabad! Omar: Zindabad! Dave: Right! Well I was just trying _______________________________ for the mosque ____________________! Mr K: ________? Dave: It’s a new thing, ________________! I thought it’d be a good way ________________ ___________! Mr K: ___________? ________________, Dave, not LA Fitness! And this is no good – “___ _________________”? We’re Muslim, Dave, remember? 6 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Dave: I suppose __________________________! ________________________________, but I’m still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow! The cricket! Mr K: Oh, right – well! _________________! You know, being a Muslim isn’t just about growing beards and _________________, you know! Riaz: ________? Mr K: Oh, no! It’s the whole package – _______! _________! _______! Riaz: The three C’s? Mr K: _______! Pakistan! Riaz, Omar: Zindabad! Dave: Reception’s not great, I’m afraid, but er, if you twiddle the aerial a bit, _____________________________! Mr K: _____________________? Dave: ____________! Mr K: _______________! That’s a bloody microwave! Where’s the other one – _______ ___? Dave: Oh, er, ________________! _______________________________ raised objections! Mr K: See – ______________________________________________________________! In Pakistani community, ________________! __________________! Womens are more like dirty rascal! We don’t get rid of the TV _________________________! You think I got teeny tiny ______________? I’ve got brand new 42 inch plasma hi fi def jam surroundy soundy! You can’t expect us _________________________________! Dave: It is a conundrum! Mr K: Conundrum? ______________________! Dave: What to do? Riaz: __________________________! Mr K: ____? Omar: We were thinking ________________________________________! Mr K: _____________, butDave: __________! It’d be like _________________! Mr K: _______, DaveRiaz: I thought you had the 42 inch surroundy soundy! Mr K: ___________! Omar: _____________________? Riaz: You don’t have the surroundy soundy? 7 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: Yes, butDave: That’s settled then – __________________________! Mr K: Right! Fine! __________! ______________________! Riaz: Green Army! Omar: Green Army! Riaz: Green Army! Omar: Green Army! Dave: _____________________! Mr K: Sweetie darling, ______________ erm, _______________________! Mrs K: _______________________? Mr K: _______________________ and help with your ladies’ prayer thing _________ ______________! Mrs K: OK, but all of the ladies have arrived – __________________________! Mr K: _________! _______! Mrs K: ____? Mr K: You know, excellent, that ________________, ___________________________! Mrs K: I think Mrs Shafiq will appreciate it, don’t you? Mr K: __________________ – ______________! Her only regret will be, she doesn’t have ___________________________, just so you could do it ______________! Mrs K: _________! _________________? Does it seem calm? Mr K: Yes! Mrs K: Good, because ________________, and reading from the QuranMr K: ___________! Mrs K: -and there should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation! Mr K: Look, it’s fine – ______________________! Now chillax, my sweetie darling! _______________________, ____________, _____________ – OK? Mrs K: ___________? Mr K: Of course – ________________! Mrs K: OK! Riaz: Pakistan zinda- Mr K: Shush! Oh, God! ____________, ________! And __________! Riaz: __________? The Missus? 8 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: No, _____________! It’s the neighbour – __________! ________________________, he’ll think I’ve brought the family over from the villages! Riaz: Are you going to put your lucky pads on? Mr K: _____! Dave: Who should I be cheering for, by the way? ___________________? Mr K: ________________________________, Dave! On one hand, __________________ _____, backward country, home to _____________________________ – on the other hand, _________________! Dave: Right – ____________, though, so er – Mr K: ____________________, Dave, you have to support Pakistan – _______________! Dave: Ah, what about Bangladesh? Mr K: _______________, Dave! Riaz: Pakistan are batting – we need a hundred and fifty runs to win! Dave: Hurray! Riaz: Pakistan zindabad! Mr K: Shush! Omar: Zindabad! Mr K: Shush! Dave: Right, ______________________! ___________? Mr K: Oh, bugger! ______________________! Riaz: _______, let’s go! Mr K: No, wait – ___________! Mr K: Oh, God! Amjad! Amjad: Hello, sir! Mr K: __________________? Amjad: I’ve come to collect Shazia – __________________________! Mr K: _______________________! Amjad: Oh, no – ________________________? Mr K: ____________ – I’ve got some of the boys over from the mosque, and _______ _________________________, OK? Voices: Pakistan zindabad! Amjad: _______________________________! Mr K: Amjad- 9 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Amjad: ______________________________________ Mr K: Amjad! Amjad: Mamma Mia’s! I’m going to have a Magnum and Shazia’s going to have a Cornetto! Mr K: Amjad! Amjad: Yes, sir? Mr K: _______! Amjad: OK! Mr K: Now, I need you to ___________________________ and wire it all up! Amjad: Got you! Mr K: _______________________, don’t you? Amjad: Yes, sir – I’m very technologically accomplished! Mr K: But here’s the- but ________________ – ___________________________________ ____, doing some of the mourning and the prayers and so forth. Amjad: Oh yes – oh no, ________________! Mr K: Amjad, ________________! ____________________, remember! Amjad: Right! Mr K: __________________, I don’t want to ____________________________________ – dead people can be a real downer! Amjad: Sure! Mr K: Now, I’ll make sure Mrs Khan is out of the way, and __________________________! Amjad: So you want me to ______________________________? Mr K: Of course not! ___________________________, ____________________! Amjad: Oh! So __________________________? Mr K: NoAmjad: ____________________________? Mr K: No! Amjad: ______________________________________? Mr K: Amjad! Relax! __________! That’s it! ________________. __________________ _____________, have a nice __________________________________! Amjad: Oh! OK! Mr K: ______________? Amjad: Duh, ______________! Mr K: Amjad! time, but don’t let them 10 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Amjad: ___________________! Mrs Malik: Mrs Khan! Mrs K: Mrs Malik! Mrs M: _____________________ – Mr Shafiq ______________________! Mrs K: Terrible shame! ______________________! Mrs M: ______________? Mrs K: Well __________________________, but he always said hello when we met in Asda! Mrs M: Mm hm! Asda! Accha! [good] Of course, Mr Malik was ______________________ ___! Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq! __________, I always assumed that _______ _____________________________________________________________! Mrs K: Well _______________________! I’ll save you some pecoras! Mrs M: Ah – er, erm- ______________________! Ah – she’s finished! Mrs K: __________! Mrs M: _____________! Mrs K: ______________ to hear of your husband’s passing! Mrs M: ___________________! ____________! Mrs Shafiq: It is God’s will! Mrs K: But I’m so glad that __________________________________________! ___________________________! Mrs M: Yes – ______! Mrs K: _________________ Mr Malik couldn’t be here, seeing as he and Mr Shafiq were __________________! _________________________________ – he’s devastated by your loss! Mr K: I was moved _____________________________ as a tribute to Mr Shafiq! Mrs K: Er, my husband would like to _____________________________! Mr K: Mrs Shafiq, _______________________________! Mrs Shafiq, ______________ ________________! Mrs S: As-salaamu aleikum! Mr K: Your husband was __________________________________________ – I should know, I myself, ________________________________________________ – my name’s Mr Khan, community leader – ________________! Mrs K: __________________? Mr K: ______________________! This is a very distressing time for me too, you know! 11 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Commentator: It could be six – Mr K: (noises) Com: He’s out! Mr K: (groans) _________________________! I’m limbering up! __________________ ___________, you’ve got to be in good voice! Mrs K: __________________________, and the ladies are going to be doing prayers in here! Mr K: _________! Mrs K: _________________! Mr K: Psst! Amjad, _________! Excuse me! As-salaamu aleikum! _________! _________! _______ – jaldi! Aliya: ___! Mr K: Aliya! Aliya: ____________? Mr K: __, ___________________! Aliya: _______? Mr K: _________________________________________! Aliya: _________________________________? Mr K: ________________________________? What are we doing with the te- ________________________________, Amjad? Amjad: ________________! Mr K: ________________ – brilliant! ________________! Aliya: _____________? Mr K: No! Aliya: ________________? Mr K: No! Aliya: _______________? Mr K: Yes! Aliya: ___________________? Mr K: Yes! Aliya: _____________________? Mr K: Yes! Aliya: Thanks – I’ll get the door for you! 12 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Riaz: Zindabad! Mr K: Shh! Amjad: ___________________! Mr K: _______! Dave: Are you going to plug it in? Riaz: __________________? Mr K: ____________! Omar: Oh yes – the remote! Mr K: _____________! _______________ – oh, God! Omar: __________________________________? Mr K: ____? Omar: Crips and that! Mr K: ________________________! Dave: _________________________! Mr K: ____? Dave: I can say as-salaamu aleikum to Mrs Khan! Mr K: No you don’t – __________! ___________________? Riaz: ______! Mr K: _______? Riaz: I had two cans of Fanta on the way here! Omar: He was chugging it! Mr K: Occupied – ________________________? Riaz: No! Dave: __________________________! Mr K: ____________! And put those cushions back! And you – ________________! Amjad: ___________________! Mr K: Amjad – ______________________________! Amjad: Thank you, sir! Shazia: Dad! Mr K: Oh! __________? ____________ – is it Amjad? Shazia: ___________! Mr K: Well – _______________! __________________________________________? Shazia: Well she’s holding prayers for the dead! 13 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: ________________________! Right – go on then! Shazia: Right, well, we’ve been planning this trip to the theatre for ages, and I thought ______ _____________________ as much as I was, but now, _______________________! Mr K: ________! Shazia: ___________________________! ______________________________! Mr K: Well – ____________________________! Shazia: _______________________________! Mr K: OK! Shazia: I’m going to go and tell Mrs Malik right now! Mr K: No! Darling, he’ll turn up eventually! You know, sometimes, __________________ _________ – to be a man, and think about – __________ – like cars, or DIY – or sometimes, ______________________, like this! Shazia: ________________________________! Mr K: ____________ – see! Shazia: But ___________________________________! Mr K: Well ___________________, is it? Look – this wouldn’t be a problem ___________ _____! And you’re not – and _______________, and __________ – and quite frankly, _____________________________! Mr K: Mrs Khan, _____________________________________ – you know, this praying can be thirsty work, no? Mrs K: Oh, _____________________, thank you! Mr K: Not at all! Mrs K: _______________________________________! Mr K: You know me – _________________________! Mrs K: You know, Mr Malik wouldn’t even give his wife a lift – _______________________ _______! Mr K: What a rotter! Mrs K: You know, if you want to be really helpful, maybe you could ____________________ ___________! Mr K: Of course - what? Mrs K: We’re just finishing our final prayers, and then ______________________________! Mr K: But sweetie – _______! 14 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mr K: __________________? Amjad: ___________________! Mr K: _______? Dave: None of these work – we think it might be your aerial! Omar: Ah – this is your main TV feed! ______________________________________! Mr K: _______________! Riaz: It’s the last over! __________________! Mr K: Amjad, _________________________? Amjad: _________________________! Riaz: Come on – get your lucky pads on! Amjad: ____________________________! Mr K: ___? Amjad: Shazia! I think ________________________ about missing Mamma Mia’s! Mr K: _________! Amjad: ________________________________! Mr K: _______________! Amjad: ____________________! Mr K: _________! Amjad: ______________! Mr K: I keep telling you – she doesn’t give a bloody monkey’s! Dave: ________? Mr K: No! Omar: If the lead is long enough, we can feed it off the aerial of the neighbour! Mr K: _____________! Look, Shazia’s in with the ladies now, helping with the dead man’s prayers – ___________________! Amjad: I think _______________________________________________! Mr K: Look, _________________________! Sometimes women say they want to be in charge, but really, ____________________________! It makes them feel ________ _______________! As we say in Pakistan, all snuggly buggly! Amjad: But sometimes, _____________________________________, like the other day Mr K: Yes? Amjad: - ________________, and _______________________ – Mr K: _________, yes? 15 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Amjad: - and I couldn’t decide whether to have a kebab or a roti, so I was like, “_____________? _____________?” And Shazia said, “Amjad, have a roti – ___ ________________!” _________________! Mr K: ________________________! Now, _________________________________? Amjad: I think ______________________________________! Mr K: Oh, God! Omar: ___________! Mr K: __________________? Omar: This is how we used to watch Homes Underneath the Hammer in Somalia! Dave: ______________________! I knew we should’ve stayed at the mosque! Mr K: ____, ____________! Mr K: Oh, God! Keith: Hi! Mr K: _________________________? Keith: ________________________ the cricket’s on round mine if you want to watch it! Mr K: No, thank you! Keith: Well ________________________________! Mr K: No, thank you – __________________________! Keith: ___________________? Mr K: These are prayer pads – __________________ whilst you’re praying! Keith: Oh, right – and that? Mr K: This – is a Muslim religious artefact! Keith: ________________________! Mr K: That proves __________________________________, and therefore, a bloody racialist! Thank you - goodbye! Mr K: Ah! Excuse me! Mrs S: __________, ______________! Mrs K: _______________? Mr K: Nothing! ________________! Mrs K: __________________? Mr K: I was offering Mrs Shafiq my condolences! 16 Citizen Khan – Episode 5 Mrs K: Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I’m so sorry! _____________________________________ at work lately! And he’s really, really, very upset about your husband’s passing! Mr K: Yes – _____________________________! Mrs K: ___________________________________! Mrs K: _________________________? Dave: As-salaamu aleikum, Mrs Khan! Omar got the aerial working! Mr K: ___________________________! Shazia: Amjad! Amjad: ________________! Shazia: Why, Dad? Mr K: ________________! Mrs S: ________________________, and __________________________, _____________, and ____________________! Mrs K: Oh, my God! Mrs S: ______________________________! ____________________________________ ___________! Mrs K: No, no, no, she isn’t! ______________________! Where’s Alia? Mr K: ________________! Mrs K: Oh, my God – ________________! Omar: ________________________________! Mrs M: _________________________! Amjad – come and help me with Mrs Shafiq! Shazia: _____________, _____________________________! Amjad: But ladoo, I don’tMrs K: No, please, please don’t go, please! Here, have some more food – _________________ ________ – ________________, please don’t go – please don’t go! Mr K: __________? Mrs K: __________________ that Mr Shafiq was such a huge fan of Abba? Mrs S: Oh, yes – ___________________________________!
