A WOMAN’S GUIDE
TO SELF-DISCOVERY
(Getting To Know The Real You)
Detrell V. Hawkins
(A Woman’s Guide to Self-Discovery)
Copyright © 2010 by (Detrell V. Hawkins)
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or
transmitted in any form or by any means without written
permission from the author.
ISBN (XXXXXXXXXXXXX)
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Acknowledgements
I am humbled and grateful that God has entrusted me with
an assignment to remind his daughters of who they are. Having
come from a place of denial to a place of acceptance of my true
essence, I graciously accept the task of helping other women do
the same.
This assignment has forced me to seek inner acceptance in
place of the outer acceptance I had always sought. It also
forced me to release the little girl inside of me and let her grow,
while taking full responsibility for who I am, where I am, what I
am, and what I shall become. I discovered that my teachers
were right, “whatever you pay attention to, you purchase.” To
each of you, for all of your time, patience and impartation I am
forever grateful.
To God be the glory for the things he has done. To my
daughters, Jasmin, Nyiema, Nia, and Nadia, I will make you
proud.
To my husband and cheerleader, I will finish the course.
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To my mother, Roberta Hicks, your advice to “just listen”
has paid off.
To all of the young ladies of L.I.N.K., you make me want to
be better.
To my sister, Fonda, your support means more than you
could ever know.
To my friend and editor, Stacy, your words mean everything
to me.
To my church family at Majestic Kingdom Embassy, thank
you for believing in me.
To my Life Coach and Mentor, Coach Janese Shakur and Mr.
Tycoon, thank you for sharing your gifts. I am forever grateful
to you for supporting me through this journey.
Finally, to my pastors, Dr. Timothy Miller, Sr. and Pastor
Pamela Miller, thank you for always reminding me of who I am,
and never relenting in telling me the truth. This book would not
be if it were not for your prayers, support, encouragement and
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teaching. Your love and commitment to teaching “The Word”
have taught me…well…how to be ME.
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to my four daughters, Jasmin,
Nyiema, Nia and Nadia, whose love, support, prayers and
belief in me make me want to keep moving on and see
what the end is going to be like! And to:
All women who seek to end the fight with themselves.
Those who have decided that they will no longer
be tossed to and fro;
Those whose spirits have decided to take the journey,
and overcome by the words of their testimony:
Those who are ready to declare, “I know who I am!”
May your God-given purpose be
discovered and fulfilled with joy.
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Table of Contents
Acknowledgement ................................................. 3
Dedication ............................................................... 6
Introduction ........................................................... 8
Chapter 1 Truth Matters ...................................... 15
Chapter 2 Face Your Fears .................................... 26
Chapter 3 Inconvenient Truth ............................... 34
Chapter 4 Toxic Friends ........................................ 43
Chapter 5 Embrace Harmony................................ 52
Chapter 6 Defining Moments............................... 59
Chapter 7 Will Thou Be Made Whole? ................. 66
Self Discovery Bonus ............................................ 74
Recommended Reading …………………………………… 88
Resources ………………………………………………………… 89
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Introduction
As I sat in the back of my car with one of my dearest
friends contemplating how I was going to open the fashion
show I’d been planning, I began writing down the names
of songs I’d use. Puzzling over the show’s opening act, I
decided to write a poem. After glancing over the songs,
inspiration finally came and my pen began to glide across
the page like water flowing from a fountain. We were
both in awe at the ease with which I wrote the poem that
would become the show’s opener. It was called “Excellent
Woman.” After all, the show was designed to celebrate
the excellence in all women.
As we read the poem, we both reflected on the power of
its words. We knew that the women at the fashion show
would love it. Although I felt that I was fully engaged with
the meaning of the poem when I wrote it, I would later
discover that the poem was only the first step in my
journey of a thousand miles: the journey of self-discovery.
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The day of the fashion show finally arrived and the poem
was a winner! Afterwards, women eagerly commented on
the poem’s power. Oblivious to the reality of who I really
was, I reveled in the comments and blithely continued
sharing the poem with women everywhere.
Just five months earlier I had lost my father due to a
massive stroke and brain hemorrhage. He was a selfproclaimed workaholic who spent most of his time
working on contracts or looking for contracts. His rare
return to our home sent me into a jubilant frenzy. I
enjoyed sitting on his knee and just having him at home.
In all the time we spent together, I don’t recall him ever
telling me who I am.
In his latter years on earth, I was privileged to have time
with him. He often went to church with me and my family,
which fostered a deeper connection between us. This
connection, for me, was all too abbreviated, and caused
me to retreat deep into a cave of the mind. I wrestled
with the loss, suggesting that he left without telling me
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who I was. I became angry and bitter with him for leaving
me without doing what I thought was his duty. How dare
he leave without telling me my destiny, potential and
purpose!?
For months, I journeyed deeper into a personal abyss
while disconnecting from my husband, children and
church. Most of all, I began disconnecting from perhaps
the most important relationship of all, the relationship
with myself. I became totally discouraged and lost any
desire to move forward. I never realized that much of who
I’d become was tied up in “making my father proud.” I’d
made many of the decisions in my life based not on my
inner calling, but on my desperate cry for acceptance and
approval.
Plagued with thoughts of past failures, mistakes, missed
opportunities and my father’s untimely death, I soon
began defining myself by these things. In my mind, I
became the mistake, failure and source of missed
opportunities. Now in my early 30’s, I commented to a
friend that if I was still in this state of mind by the time I
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hit 40, I would simply get on drugs and hang out on the
corner! After all, what was the point? I’d almost
abandoned the hope of ever knowing inner peace. Surely,
I needed something or someone to define me.
I continued grasping for straws, seeking outward
manifestations in proof of who I was, while cleverly
disguising my insecurity and lack of understanding about
my true identity. I walked tall while feeling small on the
inside, until one day I returned to the poem; words from
God graciously given to me that fateful day in the back of
my car. It reads:
I excel in all I do,
Not because I’m perfect,
because I’m patient.
Patient enough to know falls don’t break me.
Mistakes don’t make me.
The moment doesn’t define me.
Wine and cheese don’t dine me.
I’m excellent because my heavenly father made me,
like him; for him; good and very good.
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I’m every woman who makes it through the rain,
survives despite the pain…
I get there…anyhow.
Blink, you might miss me.
For I’m on a mission for depths no ocean could aspire to
reach;
Nor great orators verbalize in a speech…
Why?
Because I’m getting myself together and I’ve got some
place to go….
Do you wanna go?
To heaven….perfection, beauty, peace, excellence.
I began to study the poem and realized that it was time for
me to know who I was. After 5 years of sharing the poem
with other women and young girls everywhere I went, I
was prompted to actually examine its words. I had been
quoting the words but not living the words. I lived and
breathed by the opinions and words of others. But now,
utterly exhausted from living a fraudulent life, I searched
deeply within myself and the message – the revelation - of
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the poem dawned on me…..I am me. . . .not my mistakes,
people’s opinions nor the moments in my life. I realized
that God created me—an original, like him and for him.
With this revelation of “Me” I acknowledged with painful
relief that I had been living a lie for countless years.
Where had I lost contact with Detrell…the real me? Was I
ever in contact with her or had I, like a piece of clay,
allowed my environment to shape me entirely? It was this
poem that aroused my curiosity and plunged me inward to
explore the depths of me, myself and I. This was a
strange, wonderful place; a place, I realized, I had not
been. I had spent my life looking for me inside of
everybody else. All I had to do was look inside.
This book is for every woman who has struggled with the
desire to know, “Who am I?” Like me, it will provoke you
to acknowledge that a key ingredient is missing in your
life…. YOU. You will uncover all of the excuses you have
made for not being you, and expose all of the
“inconvenient truths” and “inherent truths” in your life.
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After reading this book you will understand who you are,
and discover your true passion. You will finally destroy the
false identity you have embraced and worn like a badge
fashioned from other peoples’ opinions, your selfdeception and your lack of understanding. This book will
help you realize your purpose and reason for being while
empowering you to accept…..YOU, in all of your glory and
splendor.
Enjoy the ride………..
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Chapter One
Truth Matters
“He who seeks for applause only from without has all his
happiness in another’s keeping.” - Oliver Goldsmith
Have you ever put on a beautiful pair of heels that
magnetized all of the attention in a room? You walk in as if you
own the place because you know all eyes are on the shoes and
the woman wearing them. Women comment on the beauty of
the shoe while men glance with an adoring sigh. All remain
oblivious to the fact that as pretty as the shoes are, they cause
you more pain that you dare to let on. So, you continue walking
as if the pain weren’t there, only moving when necessary.
One evening while attending a church service, I stood
smiling and singing during the worship service while agonizing
over the pain that my heels were causing me.
The shoes
brought me a lot of attention. “However”, I thought, “what a
price to pay for a little attention!” Was I wearing the shoes
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because I liked them?
They were certainly torturously
uncomfortable but they did match the rest of my outfit. Was I
wearing the heels or were they wearing me?
On another occasion I visited a hair salon and 3 of the
stylists there began talking about the agony some high heels
cause. They discussed an outing at a local nightclub and their
mad dash to the car at the end of the night to kick off their
heels. One of them asked if the others ever took their shoes off
before reaching the car and one stylist admitted that she did.
She said, “I don’t care what people think….those shoes hurt!”
It reminded me of my night in church. I remember finally
taking the shoes off and experiencing immediate relief. Was
this my life? Had I been wearing what looked good to others
but caused me misery, like a martyr crucifying her feet but
saving no one? A resounding “yes” comes to mind.
The first step to self discovery begins with a few words from
Shakespeare: “To thine ownself be true.” Stop denying who you
are and living the life of somebody you aren’t.
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Dr. Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D. said, “You are who you are and
the more you try to ignore the reality, the higher the cost to
you.”
Wearing someone else’s life may look good on you but you
know very well what it’s doing to you.
While reading Dr. Phil McGraw’s book Self Matters, I came
across a story he told and it read:
“Jackson, Robert. Mr. Robert Jackson died yesterday of
complications from doing a lifetime of crap that he didn’t really
want to do. His condition was further complicated because he
also failed to do much, if any, of what he did want to do.
Experts report that he died from cramming someone else’s idea
of life into his body, his brain, and his life. Attempts by
Mr. Jackson to fill the voids with work, cars, excessive eating,
alcohol, three wives, two thousand rounds of golf, and meeting
everyone else’s expectancies, but his own, were dismally
unsuccessful. Unfortunately, this all took so much out of Mr.
Jackson that he was just worn flat out and died about twenty
years too soon.
Miserable in his last years, he passed
unpeacefully yesterday at his home. He was surrounded by
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colleagues from the job he hated, and family members who
were all just as miserable as he was.”
Can you imagine reading this being said about your life? It’s
chilling! If you don’t get to the place where you can tell yourself
the truth about the life that you’ve been living, this very well
might be your final testimony.
For many years I’ve been looked up to by many as a great
motivator and inspiring individual. I had a child at age 18, went
to school year-round to ensure that I would graduate in 4 years
and simultaneously held down two jobs. I was a successful
social worker, women’s ministry facilitator, wife and mother by
the age of 21. Most looked upon me as a great “success,” as I
appeared to be the picture of health, while underneath it all I
was in agonizing pain. I was tired, overworked, doing things I
really didn’t want to do and doing it all in the name of satisfying
or impressing others. I was totally caught up in a role designed
by others, yet totally neglecting my true identity.
After becoming a District Sales Manager for a Fortune 500
Company, I was challenged in ways that I had never been
before. Corporate America forced me to deal with insecurities
that I wasn’t ready to confront as well as inadequacies and fears
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that were very well-camaflouged by my well-pressed suit and
flawless makeup. Where I had been used to leading the game, I
was the rookie trying to find my place. Surely I had to respond
to the demands placed before me, as I was accustomed to doing
what people wanted or needed me to do. I continued working
70 hours a week while juggling a family, husband, church
commitments and people calling on me for various reasons.
And I was not handling it well. I found myself on the brink of a
nervous breakdown in 2001. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t feel safe
outside of my bedroom, and I was slowly losing my ability to
keep up the charade in public. This was no good. I was, before
that moment, the “Great Pretender,” always appearing to have
it together.
Like so many women I speak to daily, I couldn’t
appear to be weak or unsure about myself and what I was doing
because there was too much that needed to be done.
I remember working in my home office late one night when
a client called with an issue. After hanging up the phone I burst
into tears and declared “I can’t take it anymore!” In that dark
moment, the mask of confidence and self-assurance came off
and I was exposed as the woman I was….one who based her
whole self-image on the opinions of others. Without accolades
supporting and suggesting that I was doing a good job, my
increasing loss of control (which I was constantly struggling to
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maintain), and nobody to blame but me for the position I was
in, I started – like a worn out machine – to malfunction. I was
forced to tell myself the truth about me. I was wearing shoes
that I didn’t want to wear and it felt miserable.
My District was suffering, my children were becoming less
noticeable to me and my marriage was a mess. Worst of all, I
was slowly drowning in pressure. To make matters worse, it
was self-induced pressure. No one was forcing me to go on. I
had simply chosen to live a lie because I dared not be
discovered.
Time and time again I speak to women who are living lives
of quiet desperation. Like me, they speak of working unfulfilling
jobs, taking care of people they don’t really care for and being
in places they don’t want to be. Does this sound familiar to
you?
Are you realizing that you are in a “self-induced”
comatose state of living?
If you are constantly stressed,
anxious, running from place to place, giving in to the needs of
others, unhappy and worried, and most of the people around
you don’t really know this about you….it’s time to tell yourself
the truth. You are not living an authentic life. You wouldn’t
recognize “you” if you walked up and bit you. All of this activity
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has you moving just fast enough to where all you can make out
is a blur and can’t see the forest for the trees.
It truly becomes too much work being all things to all
people and lying to yourself habitually. I, like so many women,
was a nurturer.
I was taking care of everybody else, not
because I wanted to, but because I didn’t know how to live for
myself, first. Ayn Rand said, “To say ‘I love you’, one must know
first how to say the ‘I’.”
Ignoring who you truly are for the sake of saving face is not
worth it. If you don’t end up on a shrink’s couch, you might end
up in an early grave. You will expend all of your creative energy
looking for ways to continue playing a role in other people’s
version of the script of your life. That is, if you let them. “Wear
this, wear that.” “No, do this or do that.” It’s exhausting! And
it will hurt until you decide to take off everything that looks
good to others when you know it’s killing you.
Now, I started this chapter talking about the painful shoes.
Well, that day in church, I finally decided that I didn’t care who
was looking and took the shoes off! I told myself the truth
about the shoes….the heel was too high, they caused my back
to spasm and the circulation in my feet was cut off with every
step I took. The odd thing is, when I took the shoes off, I felt
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immediate relief. It seems so insignificant. I mean, seriously . . .
shoes? But can you imagine finally telling yourself the truth
about the life (lie) that you have been living, taking off every
pretense and experiencing immediate relief?
I want you to know something exciting: You are in control
of the situation. You have every right to acknowledge your true
self, the authentic you, and it doesn’t matter who is looking.
You’ve hurt long enough and it’s time to find your way back to
you. If it hurts, say it hurts! If you don’t like it, say you don’t! If
it’s not working for you, admit it!
If you’re not willing to take an honest look at yourself, you
simply can’t grow.
You may get some strange looks, but
remember – you are doing this for you. One thing about painful
heels is that all of your mental energy is focused on when you’ll
finally get to take them off. How can you be present to the
moment when your mind and body are elsewhere?
Let this, here, right now be your safe place. Decide today
that it really doesn’t matter who’s looking. Living authentically
will empower you to move beyond all of the obstacles you’ve
erected in your life. Tell yourself the truth about where you are
right now because, inevitably, “at this precise moment next
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year, your life will be better or worse than it is right now. It will
not be the same; the choice to improve it or let it decay is
wholly and undeniably yours.” (Dr. Phillip McGraw)
Chapter One
Chapter Challenge
Let's try some radical honesty: Take a piece of paper out
and ask yourself out loud “what am I lying to myself about?” Be
brutally honest.
Now write down the first 3 things that come to
mind. Don't rationalize or filter your responses - just write. As
you look at each answer, ask yourself “what do I gain with this
lie? What do I lose with this lie?” Write them both down by
each answer.
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Now decide if what you gain outweighs what you lose or
vice versa. Circle the one that outweighs the other. You may
not be ready to ditch a lie because you feel that it benefits you
more than if you weren't telling it to yourself (and
others). That's OK! In this challenge, the goal is simply to
open a dialogue with yourself. (This is the hardest person to
talk with honestly!)
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“I’m Me”
By Detrell Hawkins
I’m me…
Not what you say,
Not what you think,
Not what you want me to be.
I’m me,
Not what you call me,
Not how you judge me,
Not what you say….
I’m me.
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Chapter Two
Face Your Fears
“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to
avoid it.” - Jean de La Fontaine
Inevitably, you’ll be plagued with all kinds of fears when you
decide to tell yourself the truth and become acquainted with
the real you. It’s important that you identify these fears and call
them what they are to deal with them honestly. It’s also
important to realize that your fears are like shadows. They
follow you everywhere you go, night and day, and need the light
to exist and scare you. When you turn around and realize that
they are simply your personal silhouettes, they begin losing
their power.
“I can’t because I don’t have time.” “I would love to, but I
have to take care of something with the children.” “I would
have, but a friend needed my help.” Do any of these
statements sound familiar to you?
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It’s so interesting to listen to the excuses that we offer for
why we never take the time to care for ourselves. We protest
that we have to take care of things like church, work, home and
relationships, so there is no time to work on the most important
relationship you’ll ever have – the relationship with yourself.
Although these are important aspects of your life, much of
what is done is not out of real necessity. Instead, it is done out
of fear. When we’ve lived inauthentically for so long, we
become afraid of the possibilities. We then avoid the very
things that would help us overcome the hurdles of fear, instead
adding tasks to make us appear busy. I call this being “busy
doing nothing.”
Fear is a very powerful emotion that will lock you into
habits that you’ll confuse with necessities. These habits will
become your surrogate life because you’re too afraid of living
the real thing. As a woman, taking care of others is something
that you’re born to do well, so you spend your life taking care of
the needs of others when, really, the act of caring for others is
something for you to hide behind.
When I started my own business in direct sales, everything
was going great. I felt good selling products that I loved and
was glad to share with others. My business was growing and
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the demand for my services grew. I was having fun and
enjoying myself immensely. I felt that I was in my element. I
felt comfortable being me.
As my business grew, so did my husband’s. He began to call
on me for help and I would immediately drop what I was doing
to help him with his business. I immediately started
complaining about the fact that I’d given up my dream to help
him. Although I complained about being sucked into his
business, I was the one allowing it to happen.
I later realized continuously abandoning my dreams was
more about my fear of failing at becoming the woman I wanted
to be and doing the things that brought me authentic joy and
not about anyone needing my help. I could’ve trained someone
to provide the assistance that my husband needed but that
would abolish my excuse for not pursuing my passion. I would
no longer be able to cry about the demands of being a wife,
mother, employee, sister and friend, nor reap the attention and
commiseration of others that come with being such an intrepid
soldier. Inevitably, I found that doing everything for everybody
gets old and you find yourself in search of…..well, YOU, yet
again.
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I spoke to a woman once who grew up in a home where
they had always depended on public assistance. Since the age
of 18, she found herself depending on public assistance to
survive. She told me that she would find a job then end up
quitting because she didn’t want to lose her assistance. She
never bothered to notice that her income from working was
more than the assistance that she was receiving. She told me
that public assistance was her “place of comfort.” She wasn’t
challenged there, she admitted.
So whenever she was
confronted with a challenging situation at work, which
ultimately would’ve brought out the best in her, she escaped by
quitting the job and going back to what she was familiar with.
She was afraid of what was in her. God forbid it be something
great!
Something that would foster her independence and
inspire her to her greatest potential. Instead, she was too busy
running in fear.
Her story took a remarkable turn when she decided to let
go of the fear. After years of frustration with her stagnant life,
she decided to try something different. It’s funny that there
was no spectacular, near-death, life-changing event that
occurred; she simply stated that she “woke up” one day and
decided she’d had enough. She made up her mind and went
looking for a job, found one, and began to walk away from the
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fears that had gripped her for many years. Today, she’s an
entrepreneur and multiple business owner. One has to wonder
what her life would be like today if she’d opted to remain in
bondage to her fears.
I once read a quote by Bertrand Russell that said, “Those
who fear life are already three parts dead.” If you keep running
in fear of “you,” you are committing to joining the ranks of the
living dead. It sounds grim, but look around you! How many
people do you see walking around dazed, on autopilot, as if
they’re drugged? Don’t be afraid of the “light” that is in you.
Maurice Freehill said, “Who is more foolish, the child afraid of
the dark or the man afraid of the light?” Look at fear like a
shadow. Whenever you see a shadow, remember that there is
light nearby. It’s time to turn the light on within you!
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Chapter 2
Chapter Challenge
“It is easier to live through someone else than to
complete yourself. The freedom to lead and plan your own
life is frightening if you have never faced it before. It is
frightening when a woman finally realizes that there is no
answer to the question ‘Who am I?’ except the voice inside
herself.” - Betty Friedan
It's time for you to answer the big question: What am I afraid
of? 31
On a piece of paper (no laptops allowed!) list 5 things that
evoke fear inside of you. Now think of one good way you will
overcome each fear. Write that down, too. Every night before
going to bed, review the list and for each item, take a minute to
visualize yourself applying your solution and conquering the
fear.
Do this every day for 30 days and your mind will start learning
to replace thoughts and images of your fear with thoughts and
images of the solution. Try it . . . it works!
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“In The Dark”
By Amy Flynn
In the dark I can see for the first time the
real me.
When all lights fade and I’m alone,
I hear the thoughts that are my own.
The quiet whispers shout out loud, and I
am left alone to wonder how the person
who I used to be transforms into the real
me.
The insecurities I face all seem to find
their secret place.
I smile as I realize that despite the daily
lies, I am who I want to be when in the dark
I look at me.
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Chapter Three
Inconvenient Truth
“Three things cannot long be hidden; the sun, the
moon and the truth.” - Confucius
Al Gore’s documentary, Inconvenient Truth, sparked a wave
of controversy as he told the tale of a world in peril, backing his
arguments with the latest scientific information. After following
the controversy for some time and coming to my own
conclusions, it was to be the title, itself, that would become my
greatest source of enlightenment. I am calling this chapter of
the book “Inconvenient Truth” because I found that telling
myself the truth about many things and overcoming my fears
has caused some inconvenience in my life.
After all the
discovery of truths regarding your own life will force you to look
at yourself in a manner you’re not accustomed to. You’ll be
inspired to change things, give up habits, relationships and
comfort zones that have assisted you in perpetuating the fiction
you currently call life. It will create inconvenience in place of
the warm, fuzzy and incredibly limiting bubble you have opted
for up until this point.
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While preparing to write this book, I spoke to women from
all walks of life and heard various stories about why and how
they became disconnected from the “real” them. Like me, they
offered many facts about their lives and I was truly able to
understand their situations, as I, too, had been in many of the
same circumstances. However, I opted to move beyond the
supposed facts of my life and began to take a look at what I call
the “truth.” Some of you may not agree with me in this section
and I completely understand. No two journeys in this life are
the same and my facts may not exactly parallel your own. But,
at the very least, I promise that they’ll give you pause!
Have you ever had to take a construction detour off course
just to get on course?
Well, this is how I would describe the
next segment of this chapter. I want to take a look at some of
the facts versus some of the truths that I’ve heard from many
women.
During a sermon, my pastor stated: “there is a
difference between the ‘facts’ and the ‘truth’.” He explained
that facts are supported by evidence, but that truth comes out
through “spirit.” Spirit is found within us. If we take time to go
inside, we find truth. It’s time to detour.
Fact: I have children and they need my attention.
Truth: I don’t want my children to gain independence
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because I’m afraid of losing control. As long as I’m
overly present in their lives, I don’t have time to
look at my own life, so I continue to do everything
for them. Including: bathing my 7 year old, honor student who sleeps with me three nights a week
because she’s afraid of the dark.
I’ve been there and done that. My children relied on me for
everything and I made sure they did because focusing on them
took me away from having to focus on me.
Fact: My family expects me to take care of everything.
Truth: I gave them the impression that I could handle
everything, so they keep calling on me. I taught them how
to treat me, because I always act as if I can “handle it.”
When I found myself on the couch talking with a counselor
about my anxiety and severe depression, I was astounded to
hear her say to me: “you taught people how to treat you.”
Burned out, overworked, and empty within, I sat wondering
how I had gotten myself in this situation. I told her how
everyone expected me to be superwoman and how no one was
there for me when I needed them. “You taught them how to
treat you” was not exactly the response that I was looking for! I
36
wanted her to pat me on my hand and agree with me that I was
“the victim.” Instead, she urged me to tell them the truth and
regain my power by being true to myself. What a wake-up call!
Fact: I have to get up early every morning for work and I
don’t have time for myself.
Truth: I am re-active instead of proactive in my own
life. I don’t plan anything, and I always allow others
to influence what I will or will not do on any given day.
It’s not that I don’t have time for myself. I simply
don’t take time for myself.
I watched one of my dearest friends spend much of her time
doing things for others while she slipped further and further
from herself. What a painful thing to see when I know how it
feels. Her life was chaos. She never used a planner, was often
distracted and found herself in the position of not knowing
what she wanted to do. She went to work early, got home only
to be at everybody’s beck and call and found herself in survival
mode - never joyfully living.
Fact: My husband or significant other takes me for granted.
Truth: I never asked for what I really wanted.
I always act as if everything is okay. Perhaps if I tell
37
people what I want, they won’t believe that what they are
giving me is okay.
I heard this one from more than half of the women I interviewed. Many complained that they always found
themselves settling for what their spouse or significant other
wanted. When asked how many of them bothered to tell
her spouse the truth about what they wanted, most of them
confessed they hadn’t, while others confessed that they didn’t
because they felt that they wouldn’t be heard. Well, I too, said
this same thing but was shocked when my husband told me that
he listened more to what I did rather than what I said. I was
always saying that I needed “me time” but I was constantly
wrapping myself up in his affairs. Doing this made him believe
that I enjoyed doing what he wanted more than taking the time
I needed for myself. So, he continued calling on me for what he
needed.
Fact: Nobody cares about what I want.
Truth: I don’t know what you want. Have
I ever been asked, “Where do you want to go and eat?”
and I respond, “It doesn’t matter to me,” only
to find myself complaining because I ate at some
38
place that I really didn’t want to be?
Andre Maurois stated, “the difficult part in an argument is
not to defend ones opinion, but rather to know it.” When you
don’t know what you want, it may be true that nobody
cares. They don’t care, because your desire is obviously
not important to you. So, why should they bother?
Wouldn’t it be great to finally be at a place where you know
what you want, say what you want and get what you want?
Fact: I have to do it if it is going to be done right.
Truth: I am never satisfied and everyone knows
that I’m just going to re-do it anyway.
My children became masters at recognizing this trait in me.
I was forever the perfectionist. They knew that no matter what
they did, it would probably not be good enough, so they did just
enough and sat by watching me fix it. Being a perfectionist kept
me busy taking care of “matters” and prevented me from doing
things that mattered. All of this served to further sever my
connection from ME.
39
These facts and truths may not be yours but I bet you’ve
started to think about your life in a different way. If you were
to take a serious self-assessment, you would discover that you
have some changes to make that might be “inconvenient” but
necessary for your life to change and positive growth to occur.
Your failure to acknowledge these “inconvenient truths” simply
delays the inevitable meeting you have with YOU.
“This above all: to thine ownself be true, and it must
follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false
to any man.” – Shakespeare (Hamlet)
40
Chapter 3
Chapter Challenge
“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good
for anything else.” ~Benjamin Franklin
What are you willing and ready to change about your
life? Time to dig through the excuses and get to the truth.
This wasn’t easy for me since I had grown comfortable
with all of the tasks that I used as excuses, but it was
definitely worth it.
Let’s apply something called the 80/20 principle!
Make a list of habits you currently have.
Then decide which 20% of your habits bring you 80% of
your happiness and which 20% bring you 80% of your
misery.
In both cases you are identifying the primary causes of
positive and negative emotions in your life.
41
Eliminate the extremely negative and the non-essential
positive. This will result in more free time, less emotional
clutter and a purer sense of self.
“It's not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away
at the unessential.” – Bruce Lee
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Chapter Four
Toxic Friends
“When people show you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou
Tiffany had a friend she’d known for 25 years. They had
grown up together, spending most of the years from grade
school through high school together. It would appear that the
longevity of their relationship was a strength, signaling a
healthy relationship, but theirs was one that had grown
increasingly toxic over the years.
Tiffany complained of sarcastic, demeaning remarks and
constant betrayal from her friend. She said her friend never
celebrated her accomplishments and rarely, if ever,
complimented her. While Tiffany was busy encouraging her
friend and listening to her friend’s endless drama, Tiffany’s
friend rarely had an ear for her ordeals.
Sound familiar? Most of you can identify with something
being toxic. If something is defined as toxic, it is known to be
“harmful” or “deadly.” Now, we would work diligently to avoid
43
ingesting something toxic to our body but we are less diligent
when the toxic agent is someone we call a friend.
When I asked Tiffany how she remained friends with the
individual previously described she said, “We had been friends
for so long. I guess I thought the relationship was normal.”
What’s normal about a “friend” belittling you or betraying you?
Nothing! Yet many of us remain in friendships that constantly
rob us of our true identities just because “that’s the way it’s
always been.”
When you decide to take a step inward, toward you, you will
find that business as usual won’t work. Holding on to toxic
friendships will be detrimental to your mission because toxic
people don’t like dreamers. Life Coach and teacher Angel
Richards notes: “you wouldn’t sit around inhaling smoke or
gasoline fumes, so why sit around and take in all the toxins from
negative people in your life?”
Toxic friends are always willing to support you in giving up on
your dreams. They never seem to believe that anything good
comes from you taking a risk and trying something new. They
urge you to stick with what you know.
44
These friends are also great at reminding you of your
shortcomings. They always remind you of the negative
circumstances inyour life and use them to discourage you. It all
seems harmless but usually comes in the form of “you know you
can’t do this because…..”
Toxic friends always talk about the negative situations they
are going through. They never have anything good going on in
their lives and they always generously find people to include in
the misery of their lives, and that someone is often you. You
know them. It seems that they never have a good day. There’s
always some form of drama, and they want you enmeshed in it.
Toxic friends rarely have a compliment or encouraging word
for you. They always find something wrong with you, as
opposed to what’s “right” with you. I once had a friend who did
this to me on many occasions. If I got a new hairdo she’d ask,
“Why did you get your hair that way?” If everyone at a
gathering complimented me on something I was wearing she
would remain silent and sometimes avoid me. Toxic friends
hate your individuality and are subtle opponents of the
authentic you.
45
Henry Ford said it best, “your best friend is the person who
brings out the best in you.” The best in you is the real you. Not
someone you have to become in order to be accepted. Not
someone who has to deny their opinion, their true passion,
their honest emotions and their desires because of someone in
their life.
I had to make a decision to rid my life of toxic friendships
when I began my journey toward self-discovery. I found that
my toxic friendships were very distracting to this journey. There
were friends who applauded my change, and urged me to
continue, while there were others who scoffed at the change
and rarely, if ever, offered an encouraging word.
I had to make some hard choices that came down to this:
“Either a person is for you or against you.” I decided, for me,
there is no “in between.” When I began to look at all of my
friendships with this conviction, I experienced hurt and
disappointment but I, more than anything, experienced a sense
of liberation. I was no longer tied to people who didn’t bring
out the best in me. I also made room for friends who added
much to my life and supported me as I continued to grow and
connect to my divine nature….my true spirit.
46
This isn’t an easy subject to talk about because it challenges
you to respond by examining your friendships. Use the chapter
challenge to help you identify potentially toxic friendships and
decide the best path for you in this adventure. Or, where
possible, identify friendships that have room to grow so that
you can eliminate distractions on your journey toward YOU.
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Chapter 4
Chapter Challenge
“It’s hard to soar with the eagles when you are hanging
with the buzzards.” - unknown
It’s time to examine your friendships. It’s time to call it
what it is. Simply put, if a friend keeps you from reaching your
highest potential, they are toxic. A friend will help you soar to
your highest potential, not labor over dead things.
Use the following characteristics to determine if any of
these types of friends are in your life. After reviewing the
characteristics, make a list to determine, hopefully, who’s in and
who’s out . . . time to Detox!
TOXIC FRIENDS:

POSSESSIVE
AND
JEALOUS:
Always
monopolizing your time and minimizing your
other relationships

BAD NEWS BEARERS: If there is something
negative said about you, they are the ones who
48
make sure you know it. “I just thought you
should know.”

PROMISE BREAKERS: You can count on them
not to come through with anything that they
say. They’re very undependable.

DISCOURAGING: They discourage opportunities
to increase your self-confidence or self-esteem.
“You’re too old, too big, to short, too busy to
do that.”

GIVE BACK HANDED COMPLIMENTS: “I love
that dress, but it makes you look big.”

DRAIN YOUR ENERGY: When they leave you
feel drained, depressed or exhausted.

HISTORY OF DISLOYAL ACTS: They have no
loyalty to anyone. They are always looking for
the next “hook up.” Or next relationship that
can serve their best interest.

COVETOUS: They always wish they had what
you had, and can rarely show any sense of joy
or celebration for your achievements or
accomplishments.
49

JUSTIFIES THEIR NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR: They
always make excuses for why they do the
negative things they do. They do not accept
responsibility for wrong behavior and always
maintain a justifiable reason for doing so.

CONSTANTLY
WHINES
“Misery loves company.”
AND
COMPLAINS:
They are always
complaining about what is wrong in their life,
so they darn well don’t want to hear about
anything good going on in yours.

CONSTANTLY LIES: You never know what you
are going to get, because you have caught them
in so many lies.
Friend or Foe?
Make a list of all of your friends and decide now if they add
to your life or take from it. Do they encourage or discourage
your growth? Do they make you want to soar, or stunt your
ability to fly?
50
As you consider these things about your friends, ask yourself if
they add more negative or positive to your life. If they add
more negative, perhaps it’s time to consider gradually reducing
the amount of contact with them.
“A man’s growth is in the successive choirs of his friends.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Chapter 5
Embrace Harmony
“I’ve learned that you can’t have everything and do
everything at the same time.” - Oprah Winfrey
Another obstacle that I’ve encountered on the path to
finding myself was the constant battle to achieve balance in my
life. With the responsibilities I had at home, church, work and
other things going on in my life, I didn’t find it plausible to
schedule quiet time. There was never any time for me. I was
always doing something but never accomplishing anything. I,
like many women, found myself always asking, “How do I get it
all done?” I was seeking after the “just right” in my life, but it
was forever fleeting.
One day while talking to one of my mentors, Janese Shakur,
I asked, “How do you find balance in your life?” I thought it was
a good question since I was going through somewhat of a
transformation and feeling the need for less of the “run, run”
and “do, do.” I wanted to do things purposefully.
Her
answer enlightened me and altered my perspective regarding
the need for balance in my life. She said that balance implies
“no movement.” She continued by saying, “when you find a
52
scale that is balanced, nothing will be moving.”
Her next
question was, “Is that what you want for your life?”
After hanging up the phone with her, I began looking over
my life. I pondered over the challenging situations that I had
gone through, and how they led me to some great victories and
successes. I have to say, those situations certainly knocked me
off “balance”, but they definitely added to the quality of my life,
but was my life moving? Was there a flow? I began to realize
what I was really after was “order” in my life, not necessarily
“balance.”
The more I got to know the real me, the more I realized my
life was out of order. My frustration stemmed from the fact
that I was unproductive in so many ways. In fact, I said to
myself, “if balance implies no movement, then I must have had
a balanced life for many years!”
I realized that my mind body and spirit had been at war with
each other for many years.
This war kept me busy doing
nothing because I never saw the results that I wanted. I tried
this business and that business. I got involved in too many
things, often over-obligating myself. I had to relentlessly accept
and embrace harmony in my life.
53
Harmony is the flow that I was looking for---a consistent
orderly arrangement of all parts of “me.” I recognized that the
three parts of me were functioning inconsistently and in a
disorderly manner. However, the more I embraced “me,” I
began to accept the quiet moments of my life, and surprisingly
this led to harmony.
surprised myself.
I stopped so many activities that I
I began assigning tasks, saying “no” and
letting go of the people and things that disturbed the order in
my life.
I was forced inward, to my spirit. I immediately began to
see all of the ways that I was perpetuating the frustration and
disorder that I so desperately screamed to get out of. I had
taken on tasks that weren’t assigned to me out of a feeling of
obligation and sometimes out of the pure need to be wanted. I
made the list, which became overwhelming when I recognized
what a monster I had created. However, I made it and
continued the process of eliminating unproductive routines,
activities and thinking. I knew that I had to be accountable for
my own life and if it was to be a harmonious life, I was to the
only qualified architect.
I began taking time each day to be silent, set priorities,
review my goals and reflect on my life. More and more, the
54
harmonious music I call “living” became audible. I was no
longer a stranger in my own body. I was finally living.
You’ll be amazed at how soon you begin to reconnect with
your true purpose and passion once you begin to de-clutter
your life. Your inner voice, which I believe is the voice of God,
will speak if you take time to listen and remove yourself from
the noise of “being busy”. Your life’s purpose will begin to
unfold and dreams you had buried for years will begin to reveal
themselves to you again. So, go ahead, make your list, check it
twice, and chose to let ….YOU…live again!!!
55
Chapter 5
Chapter Challenge
What will you do to create harmony in your life? Below are
some of the things that I did to increase the harmony in my life.
1.
Know your priorities: As you dismantle your life of all
of the perceptions and ideals of others, begin to
acknowledge and recognize your own priorities. What’s
important to you? Begin to ask questions of yourself
and listen for the answer. Often times, simply asking
will prompt an unexpected and surprisingly specific
response.
That’s because your subconscious mind
knows answers to repressed issues. But you must ask
that you may receive!
2. Make time for yourself: Everything is not pressing and
urgent. So the dishes don’t get washed tonight. It’s
okay. It’ll be worth it to settle in, meditate, read a good
book or just relax.
3. Know your limits: Know when enough is enough for
you. Take care of your body through exercise and good
nutrition but know your personal limits.
56
Now create your list of priorities. Bear in mind activities
that monopolize your time and the limitations you want to set
in your life.
57
Use this page to make a list of activities that you will
STOP and a list of activities that you will START. Don’t
overthink it, just let it flow!
STOP
START
1.
1.
2.
2.
3.
3.
4.
4.
5.
5.
6.
6.
7.
7.
8.
8.
9.
9.
10.
10.
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Chapter 6
Defining Moments
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.” (excerpt from “The
Serenity Prayer”) - Reinhold Neibuh
Once upon a time, a daughter complained to her father
that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she
was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling
all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved,
another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three
pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Once the three
pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the
second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then
let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter.
The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering
what he was doing. After twenty minutes, he turned off the
burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them
59
in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked, "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer," he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did
and noted that they were soft.
He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling
off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma
brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked.
He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs, and coffee
beans had each faced the same adversity, the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently.
The potato went in strong, hard and unrelenting, but in
boiling water it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile
with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it
was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg
became hard.
However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they
were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water
and created something new.
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"Which are you?" he asked his daughter. "When adversity
knocks on your door, how do you resopnd? Are you a potato,
an egg, or a coffee bean?"
In life, things happen around us and things happen to us,
but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within
us.
- Author unknown
This story reminds us that the “defining moments” in our
life are just that….ours to define. I’ve met so many women who
decide that just because they’ve gone through “boiling water”
periods in their lives, that they’re entitled to stop making
progress. They became “soft and weak” or “hard” and ceased
moving. They allowed the moment to define them, instead of
catalyzing a positive transformation.
If you choose to linger in the moment, you risk losing “you.”
Shonda had her first child when she was 17 years old. At that
time, she quit school and lost her zeal for life. After having a
child at 17 she says that she felt “worthless” and “no good.”
She recalls feeling as if she was “spoiled” and “unwanted,” so
she developed an apathetic, “I don’t care” attitude.
61
As a new mother, she felt she needed money, so she took a
job at a sewing factory, started receiving public assistance and
began hanging out at clubs and the like. After failing at the
sewing factory she took jobs at a Pecan processing plant,
chicken processing plant and dry cleaners. She had 3 more
children during this period and remained a single mother.
After returning to welfare she started school to get her G.E.D.
and began training in cosmetology – a long-deferred dream
she’d had. However, she didn’t believe she could make it
because of the “boiling water” experience of dropping out of
school, being a single mother of four and her resulting feelings
of worthlessness.
Shonda ended up quitting cosmetology
school just prior to the delivery of her fourth child and returned
to public assistance.
This move further discouraged Shonda and left her extremely
discouraged and unsure about her future. After the birth of her
fourth child, Shonda got married.
Now wed, Shonda still
continued to experience difficulties and doubts about her ability
to move beyond her current struggles. Finally, after losing her
home, enduring financial struggles, a tumultuous marriage and
62
a move to a whole new city, Shonda decided to “change the
water” and create something new.
Shonda’s new found determination, after 11 years of
quiescence, compelled her to enroll in cosmetology school,
graduate, and open her very own salon. This achievement
drove Shonda to enroll in a program which allowed her to earn
her high school diploma before her first child graduated from
high school.
Since then, Shonda has been operating a successful salon,
and is now in the process of launching her very own hair
magazine, “Behind the Hair”, scheduled to launch in September
2010.
I asked Shonda what happened to change her outlook on life.
How, after over a decade, was she able to decide that “the
moment” would no longer define her?
Oddly, she doesn’t
describe some miraculous, transformative event; just “a change
of thinking.” She said that she finally realized she needed a
change and began to take the risks that would make that
change inevitable. She moved to a new city and started over.
Her previous struggles as a single parent, high school dropout
and welfare recipient were actually used to strengthen her
during this time of change. She says that she looked back on all
63
that she’d come through, and used it to motivate her on the
journey she’d decided to embark upon.
Like Shonda, you may have found yourself limited by the
“defining moments” of your life, whatever they may be. Some
of us get stuck in the words of our parents, the death of a loved
one, the loss of a job, etc. However, the decision to move
beyond that moment is yours. Accept the things you cannot
change, change the things you can and become the woman you
were destined to become by changing the outcome of your
“defining moments.”
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Chapter 6
Chapter Challenge
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions
as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” Denis Waitley
What “defining moments” in your life have changed your
outlook? Can you remember a time when you were optimistic
about life? What happened to change your perspective? What
moments in your life are defining you and what specific actions
will you take to be the definer rather than the defined?
Take a moment to jot down three external conditions that
you feel are defining you. Now propose solutions for each.
These may be include changing your way of thinking or taking
yourself out of a toxic environment.
Either way, you’ll be
making proactive decisions rather than becoming a product of
your environment.
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66
Chapter 7
Will You Be Made Whole?
A familiar passage in the Bible, noted in all 4 of the Gospels,
tells of a man who lie waiting by the pool of Bethesda to be
healed. It reads:
“Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which
Is called in Hebrew, Bethesda, having five porches. In these
Lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, paralyzed,
Waiting for the moving of the water. For an angel went
Down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the
Water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring
Of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had.
Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirtyEight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew
That he already had been in that condition a long time, He
Said to him, “Do you want to be made well?” The sick
Man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me in the
Pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming
Another steps down before me.” Jesus said to him, “Rise,
Take up your bed and walk.” And immediately the man was
Made well, took up his bed, and walked.”
67
In this passage we encounter a man waiting for someone to
come remedy his plight. He was waiting for something that
was, in fact, already available to him and always had been,
though he just didn’t know it.
Oddly, we have to assume that for the 38 years he spent
waiting, he must have been wandering around covering the
same ground over and over again, only to end up right back
where he started. I heard someone suggest that if he had just
“inched” his way toward the pool, maybe he would have made
it in. Lao Tzu wrote: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with
a single step.”
Now Jesus asked this man what seems like a strange
question, “Do you want to be made well?” The second oddity in
this passage is the man’s response: “I have no one to help me in
the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in
someone else goes down ahead of me.” Are you serious? Was
this the best answer he could think of when having dealt with
an illness for 38 years? Is the best he could do, to give an
excuse for why he thought he couldn’t or hadn’t been healed?
68
I have to admit, this was my story. I made so many excuses
for why my life was the way it was. I was sick because of all that
I’d allowed in my life. I was blind, because I had allowed the
opinions of others to dim my vision. I was lame because I could
not and did not recognize my own strength and I was paralyzed
by the fear of failing. If just a few years ago, you’d posed to me
the question Jesus posed the blind man, like him, all you’d have
gotten is an excuse.
I want to ask you today, “Will you be made whole?” The
previous chapters present challenges that only you can meet. It
all starts with you making a decision to be made whole. If you
never take time to meet the “real you” you’ll never be intact.
Until now, you may have stood waiting for someone or
something to deliver you from your current situation; to make
you whole. You may have been waiting on others to improve
your life. When asked what you wanted, excuses may have
been the only thing you had to give. Perhaps it was because
you weren’t listening to the question or were too afraid of your
own potential.
Well, like Jesus, I hope you will decide to look past every
excuse. Jesus didn’t so much as address the man’s excuses, he
69
simply gave him a command to “rise,” “take up your bed,” and
“walk.”
Rise. Get up and have confidence in your divine nature.
See yourself for yourself.
Take up your bed. It’s time for you to carry that which has
been carrying you. You may be carrying it all the way to the
nearest dumpster, because it’s time for you to move beyond
your comfort zone and begin confronting and changing habits
that keep the deepest, purest you undiscovered. Refuse to
return to your old habits and ways of thinking!
Finally, Walk. Move into the space that is destined for you.
Start moving, even if you don’t know all the details.
Sitting in the same place and expecting something different to
happen won’t cut it anymore. It’s been said that the definition
of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting
a different result.
Take this opportunity to excel by allowing your divine
nature to fully come forward. Accept no imitations. Declare,
out loud, “I Know Who I Am!”
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Chapter 7
Chapter Challenge
“People who fail to achieve their goals usually get stopped
by frustration. Yet those that are successful do not
see frustration as a roadblock - but instead an opportunity
to learn more”
-Anthony Robbins
All self-deception has a secondary payoff. Your brain
actually views your excuses as a means of helping you survive!
But we all know that they’re really preventing you from
taking your life to the next level.
For each area of your life – work, family, relationships,
financial, physical, spiritual – list an excuse you’ve been making
that’s kept you from taking positive, albeit initially
uncomfortable, action.
Now resolve to take that action in the presence of the
excuse. No reason to fight it. Simply move ahead with the
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excuse in mind. The brain actually releases happinessproducing chemicals when you force yourself to smile, even
when you have no particular reason for doing so. Likewise, you
may find that action has a way reverse-engineering the excuses
out of the equation of your life.
It’s OK to be scared, uncertain and apprehensive. Do it
anyway. You’ll feel like you’re on top of the world once you’ve
simply moved in the direction of your dreams. Good luck!
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The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry
I could not travel both.
And be one traveler, long I stood and looked
down one as far as I could to where it bent in the
undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair, and having
perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy
and wanted wear.
Though as for that, the passing there,
had worn them really about the same,
and both that morning equally lay in leaves no
step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I
doubted if I should ever come back.
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I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere
ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the
one less traveled by, and that has made all the
difference.
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Self-Discovery
Bonus Pages
Wendy’s Story:
Wendy Minks in her own words:
From my earliest recollection I have been
worrying. Worrying about others, worrying about getting
in trouble, worrying about doing the right thing, worrying
about solving my problems, worrying about solving the
problems of my family, worrying about world hunger,
worrying about disease, worrying about my friends,
worrying about strangers, worrying about the fact that I
worry a lot.
I was called into my physical existence from
the depths of my mother’s aching heart.
She suffered abuse as a young woman and wanted
desperately to have a child. She wanted someone whole
and clean and pure to shower all of her love upon. Her
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greatest desire was to love someone that was worthy of
her love. She wanted me, her perfect baby daughter. She
wanted me to fill that huge, aching hole in her heart. I
arrived, as sweet and clean and innocent as all babies do,
fully deserving of all the love and adoration she showered
upon me.
I grew into a bright, loving, and well behaved child. I
never doubted my worth, or that I was loved. I was the
perfect child. I reached all of the childhood milestones in
record time. I learned to read before my earliest
memories, sometime around three years old I guess. I
don’t remember not being a reader. I was the pride and
joy of my parents and I was extremely attached to my
mother. I entered school early, and proceeded to excel
academically.
I was small for my age, and that only added to the child
prodigy image. By this time I had taught my younger
brother how to read, and just about every other thing I
knew. I was always trying to keep him in line. He was
different than me. He disobeyed sometimes and got in
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trouble. I was mortified. How could he be so
imperfect? It was infuriating. I worked even harder, trying
to fix all his mistakes and keep the trouble he caused away
from our parents.
When Mom and Dad’s marriage fell apart, I was right
there, smack dab in the middle, trying to fix things. I was
only 10, but somehow thought it was my duty to protect
my mother, to save her from this terrible sadness. I saw
and heard things that no 10 year old, even a bright one,
understands, or has the tools to deal with. I listened to
the arguments, listened to my mother cry, offered love
and comfort, and tried desperately not to have any
personal needs.
I fully believed that I was sent her to heal my mother’s
broken heart, and the broken hearts of all those around
me. It was my calling to fix things, patch things up, to heal
all the brokenness, to be the glue that held it all
together. I expected myself to be just what my mother
saw in me - perfection. I did not allow myself to have
faults or needs. I asked only for what was necessary, and
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kept my silent longings to myself, feeling that I did not
deserve to even have those longings. I continued to fill
this role in my marriage, and as a mother.
I worked hard to see to it that my family lived with as
little stress as possible. I took on the bulk of the work,
whatever that meant, at each stage. I sacrificed anything
and everything for my children. While pregnant I followed
all the guidelines for health, and nutrition and gave birth
twice, without the comfort of an epidural because it could
possibly be damaging for the babies. I went back to work
almost immediately, but breastfed for at least a year,
and never sent my kids to day care. My husband worked
nights, and I worked days, and no one slept. I worked
crazy hours as a sales rep, taking my two small children
with me when necessary.
All I did was work, and take care of my family. I was
exhausted. I suffered from a few minor health issues, and
looked at those sick days as a “vacation” of sorts. It was
the one time when I could stay in bed and let someone
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take care of me, without the burden of guilt. We never
took vacations, and I rarely went more than a few hours
without working.
Through all those years of childhood and early
adulthood, I was always falling short of my personal
expectation of perfection. I felt so angry and disappointed
when things would go wrong. I would lose my cool when
the house was a mess, or even worse, when finances were
a struggle. If only I would have worked harder, or at least
worked more, then everything would have been better.
If one of my faults (seen by others as a normal human
condition) came to light, I would become defensive and
hostile. If I couldn’t be perfect, then I needed to do a
better job of hiding my imperfection. I sure as heck wasn’t
comfortable discussing these faults with anyone especially those closest to me. How could they count on
me to make everything all better if I didn’t have it all
together myself?
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Christ has been a significant part of my life since I was
very young. As a child I sought out religion, looking for
meaning in my life, and probably looking for more rules to
follow. Rules have always made me feel safe. The same
thing with lists. If I can go down a list and check things off
I feel like I am on target. Maybe everything isn’t perfect,
but I just completed that list perfectly. So, the teachings
of Christ mixed with my desire to always be good were a
good fit. On the surface.
The surface requirements of a traditional religious life
fit very well into my perfectionist mindset. I extended my
philosophy of the best way to have a clean house is to not
make a mess into my religious practice. The best way to
be worthy of salvation is not to sin. No need for
repentance, no need for the atonement of Christ, just
keep yourself clean. Life has taught me the error in this
way of thinking. If you never make a mess, your house is
not lived in.
In the attempt to avoid cleaning, you avoid living. With
a husband and 2 children, this was incredibly impractical. I
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eventually let go of my expectations of perfection, and
let them all live. I still went about trying to make as little
of a mark on my world as possible. If I didn’t personally
contribute to the mess, then that was just one less thing
for me to clean up later. In my spiritual life this became
even more of an issue.
Perfection in this life is impossible. We all sin. Even
the most diligent and driven of us. We all need
forgiveness, and the atoning blood of Jesus Christ. Trying
to avoid sin is commendable, but what about when I
would fall short? Admitting to my failings to others or
even to myself was nearly impossible. If I were not
perfect, then I was failing as a person. I was failing at my
life’s mission. So, I masked my imperfections, mistakes,
sins, short comings, and normal human failings with
defensive maneuvers.
I am sure that in many ways my family, friends,
neighbors, employers, and clients received tremendous
benefit from my crazy mode of living. I answered the call,
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no matter the time or day, and immediately went to work
solving the problem at hand. If you were in need, I was on
duty. I lived to serve. All of this service came at a cost. It
took me a long time to realize this fact and I’m still in the
process of recovery.
I began to see the error of my ways a few years
ago. We eventually had the big house, and the new
furniture, a couple of nice cars, and all the bills to go along
with it. We were involved in multiple businesses, local
politics, and community volunteerism. As you would
expect, eventually life caught up with me, and rolled over
me, like a tidal wave. I took on so many projects, so many
problems, so many tasks, that I was bound to start failing
in big ways. I was doing ok juggling 3 balls, but when I
added a few more, the balls started to drop. Our
businesses failed, we lost our house, my husband
discovered major health issues.
We lost everything, moved to the other side of the
world, and started over. It was devastating. I was
destroyed. There was no way to pretend that it didn’t
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happen. We were living with family, and I was borrowing
a car to go to work. There was no one to blame, there was
no believable defense to offer. We failed. I failed. I am
not perfect, and I had problems that I could not fix. I
couldn’t even find a way to pretty it up and pretend
anymore. There was nothing left to do besides face
reality.
My first response, after the initial paralyzing shock,
was to jump up, and get back to work. You know, later rinse - repeat, with emphasis on the repeat. More work
would fix things, I just needed to work harder. At this
point, it actually made things worse. Trying to solve our
problems on my own, by my own sheer will and sweat was
a very bad idea. Thank goodness I was smart enough to
realize this before too long.
In my moments of desperation, I finally turned inward,
to examine what I was doing to contribute to my misery. I
finally began to realize that I needed to find strength
outside of myself in order to find peace. Realized that no
matter how hard I worked, or how much I wanted to be
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perfect, I could not make everything all better for myself,
or anyone. While work is important, a life without balance
is not productive. Eventually the lopsided top will stop
spinning, no matter how tightly you twist it up.
I slowly, began to unwind. I began studying books like
the Secret, and Holy Scripture. One of my favorite
scriptures is Psalms 46:10 “Be Still and Know that I am
God”. I desperately needed to be still. I needed to put my
spinning mind to rest. Eventually I began writing as a
means of therapy. My mind was so full I needed
somewhere to dump it; I needed a means of expression.
A few years ago I started a blog and began sharing
these thoughts with others. It is therapeutic for me to be
vulnerable in this way. Opening up my mind and heart for
the public to experience and judge. has helped me to
accept myself as I am. I am perfect in my imperfection. I
am here on this earth to love and experience joy. I do the
most good when I am my authentic self, not trying to be
everything to everybody. By dropping the heavy burden of
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the false image of perfection, the real beauty of my life is
free to unfold, like a butterfly breaking free of the cocoon.
Angel’s Story
Angel Richards
www.angelrichards.com
Angel is a mother of four, a speaker, educator, author and
transformation coach. She is on a mission to be HOT- Helping
Others Transform. Her life has been dedicated to educating,
motivating, inspiring, and empowering the lives of those around
her. Her vision is to transform young girls and women worldwide. Overcoming fear and self-hate caused by molestation,
rape, and abuse; Angel wants to share her story in hopes that it
will help others to realize, ”Your past doesn’t determine your
future.”
At the age of 15, Angel became a teen parent and at 19 she
had her second child. She now is a mother to twin girls. After
graduating
high
school,
Angel
attended
Hillsborough
Community College on a 2 year scholarship, earning an
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associates degree in Liberal Arts. She then received a bachelors
degree from Nova Southeastern University in Elementary
Education and later completed a Masters in Education. With a
passion for teaching, Angel began teaching in the inner city
primary classroom, earning Teacher of the Year at her school in
her 3rd year.
The desire to help struggling students led her to become cofounder of L.I.F.E.-Learning Is For Ever Educational Services, LLC
who offers tutorial services for students and adults. After years
of working with students, Angel decided that working with the
child alone would not be enough to create life long learners. So
she began coaching parents on ways to better help their child in
the areas of academics and discipline.
This brought on the realization that her purpose in life was
to Help Others Transform their lives from their current situation
to their desired destination leading to creation of H.O.T
Coaching and H.O.T. Girls. Angel works with women of all ages
and backgrounds. Helping those that are “sick and tired of being
sick and tired”, identifying what has them “stuck” and getting
straight to the point of what it will take to “break free”.
Although change can be uncomfortable, “nothing changes if
nothing changes!”
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My Story
Detrell Hawkins
http://www.detrellhawkins.com
Since 2001 my life had little or no movement. I was busy
doing many things. However, they were all unfulfilling. I found
it difficult to stay focused on tasks and moved from one project
to the next, which caused me to feel burnt out and often
unbalanced. When I made the decision to enlist the services of
a life coach, I was at a point in my life where I wanted change,
balance and just live “my life.” (Not a life that others thought I
should live.) Coach Janese supported me in gaining perspective
in my life. With her support I was able to write my first book,
finally enroll in a program to become a certified Life Coach, stop
doing things that were not working for me, and empower my
husband and children in ways that has led them to
independence. They stopped depending on me for everything.
Since Coach Janese came into my life, my life has changed in
so many ways. I am more focused, determined, disciplined and
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effective. My marital relationship has improved by 100% and
everyone around me recognizes the change. She became the
voice of truth that I always needed as well as an accountability
partner who dare not let me off the hook!
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Recommended Reading
The Sedona Method – Hale Dwoskin
Radical Honesty – Brad Blanton
The Power of Full Engagement – Tony Schwartz
Healing the Shame That Binds You – John Bradshaw
You Can Change Your Life – Louise Hay
Excuses Begone! – Wayne Dyer
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen Covey
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Resources
Life coaching websites, self-help blogs that apply to women
that you would recommend, and of course YOUR website!
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12 Questions to help you discover your life’s
purpose
1. What makes you smile?
2. What activities make you lose track of time?
3. What makes you feel great about yourself?
4. Who inspires you the most?
5. What were your favorite things to do in the
past?
6. What are you naturally good at?
7. What do people typically ask you for help in?
8. If you had to teach something, what would it
be?
9. What would you regret not fully doing,
becoming, or having in your life?
10. What causes do you strongly believe in?
11. Considering your talents, passions, and values,
how could you use these resources to serve,
contribute, help some cause, and make a life
for yourself?
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12. If money were no object, what would you do
for free?
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