THE GOOD ENOUGH TEEN
Dr. Brad Sachs, Ph.D
www.drbradsachs.com
Common Ground Lecture Series
April, 2013
How To Have an Imperfect Family
and Be Perfectly Satisfied…
• We’re all flying by the seat of our pants—the
only predictable and explicable aspects of
raising teens are how unpredictable and
inexplicable they can be
• Your Teen is not your Teen
• What you see is what you are likely to get
How To Have an Imperfect Family
and Be Perfectly Satisfied…
• All parental emotions at this stage
are normal and acceptable
• Teens need us the most when they
are the least pleasant to be with
(How to Have…)
• Adolescence can be nightmarish, but
almost everyone wakes up and moves on
• As long as you do a good deal more
positive parenting than negative parenting,
things are likely to turn out fine
• Nothing important comes easy—pain,
discomfort, and disruption are necessary
counterparts to growth and change
(How to Have…)
• Adolescence should be a preparation
for adulthood, not a performance for
adults
• The person of the parent must come
before the person as a parent
(How to Have…)
• The parent’s nurture must conform to the
Teen’s nature
• We need to spend less time naming
problems, and more time looking at the
climate that creates and maintains
problems
How to Have…
• Not every problem has an ideal
solution, not every question has a
concrete answer
• Life’s most important lessons are
learned, not taught, discovered not
imposed
(How to Have…)
We must convey that it’s not
what you have and what you
do, but who you are and how
you love that matters
Every Teen Experiences Three
Births…
************************************************
THE FANTASY TEEN
THE ACTUAL TEEN
THE GOOD ENOUGH TEEN
*******************************************
THE GOOD ENOUGH Teen
FIVE STEPS TOWARDS EMBRACING
THE GOOD ENOUGH Teen
•
•
•
•
•
UNCOVERING
ACKNOWLEDGING
UNDERSTANDING
FORGIVING
GROWING AND CHANGING
Neglected Aspects of
Teen Development
• Every Adolescent is in mourning,
needing to say goodbye to
childhood in order to prepare for
adulthood
“I’m a loser…”
THE TOMB
BECOMES
THE WOMB
Adolescent Grieving…
– To create a future, the Teen must grieve for the
past, which means she must:
a.Forgive her parents for their limitations
b.Recognize the irreversible nature of growth
c.Acknowledge that she is unique but ordinary
d.Come to terms with the reality of aloneness
e.Relinquish fantasies of invulnerability,
immortality, omnipotence and being the
center of the universe
Challenges to Healthy Grief
• Achievement and
Accomplishment
• Competition
• Academic supremacy
• Activity-based Virtuosity
Challenges to Healthy Grief
• Acquisition and Materialism
(having goods vs. being good)
• Obedience and Conformity/Uniformity
• Meaninglessness
(valuing trivia/information over
wisdom, valuing entertainment over
play)
Neglected Aspects (cont.)…
Teens must paradoxically grow up
and away while simultaneously
strengthening the connections that
keep them close—discovering an
“I” while maintaining a “We”
NEGLECTED ASPECTS…
Teens need to say “No” to
significant adults in order to
know more about who they
are, and who they aren’t—they
defy in order to define
NEGLECTED ASPECTS…
Parent-Teen battles are a necessary
way to acknowledge attachment to
each other and come to understand
each other—the worst fights are
usually created by the family’s
effort to avoid fights
NEGLECTED ASPECTS…
Teens tend to assign blame rather
than assume accountability not
because of their lack of
responsibility, but because they
feel so disappointed in themselves
for not having been more
responsible
NEGLECTED ASPECTS…
The more that Teens doubt
themselves, the more insistent
and persuasive they may
become
“Often wrong, never uncertain”
NEGLECTED ASPECTS…
Teens elicit in and project onto
adults all of the discomfiting
emotions that they are feeling
They prefer to fight with others
rather than with themselves
Psycho-Dialysis
NEGLECTED ASPECTS…
Teens may refuse to ask for
help, or may reject help that is
offered, because help reminds
them of their own remaining
vulnerability and dependence
CHALLENGES FOR Contemporary Parents
1) Smaller families
2) Bearing Children later in life
7) An overall Mid-life
assessment/report card
3) Effort involved in starting a family 8) The parenting industry
4) Experience in the world of
work outside the home
5) Economic gap between the
“have’s” and the “have-nots”
6) A yearning for reward, a
validation of our choices
9) The pharmaceutical
industry
10) The Teen’s need to
differentiate, spurn, and
repudiate
THE GOOD ENOUGH Teen
FIVE STEPS TOWARDS EMBRACING
THE GOOD ENOUGH Teen
•
•
•
•
•
UNCOVERING
ACKNOWLEDGING
UNDERSTANDING
FORGIVING
GROWING AND CHANGING
Expectations….
Too high…and you always feel
discouraged and demoralized
Too low…and you aren’t motivated
to capitalize on your strengths,
overcome your weaknesses, and
become the best you can be
STAGE ONE:
Expectations…Conscious and
Subconscious
Conscious
•
•
•
•
They had better do what we wished we had done
They had better do what our parents made us do
They had better not make the mistakes we made
They had better make the same good choices we
made
(STAGE ONE)
UNCONSCIOUS
• They must heal our relationship with our
parents
• They must replace a lost or loved one
• They must erase our flaws and failures
• They must reflect well on us and validate us
• They must heal our marriage
• They must make us immortal
Our Teens Must Become…
Our narcissistic
ambassadors to the
world
STAGE TWO:
ACKNOWLEDGING…
SOME SELF-DEFEATING REACTIONS TO A
DISAPPOINTING OR DISILLUSIONING Teen:
•
•
•
•
Hyper-parenting • Blaming Others
Hyper-criticalness • Blaming the Teen
Over-anxious
• Angry Withdrawal
Self-Blaming
STAGE THREE:
UNDERSTANDING
How Our Teen’s Problems Are Actually
Solutions to their Problems
Physiologically-based problems
Socially-based problems
Emotionally-based problems
Family-based problems
Identity-based problems
Separation-based problems
Teen sometimes solve problems in
problematic ways, guided by philosophical
platforms like…
It’s important for me to be seen as helpless so not too
much is expected of me
I can’t stop acting angry or everybody will think I’ve
forgotten all the terrible things that have happened to me
I cannot do exactly what is being asked of me because I
won’t feel or appear like I’m my own person
I will no longer recognize myself if I’m robbed of or give
up this aspect of myself, maladaptive or unpleasant as it
may be to maintain
(Solving Problems...)
If I can’t solve a problem on my own, it doesn’t
count, so there’s no point in solving it
I’ll feel humiliated if I decide to change, and all
the adults think that I’ve finally come around
and tell me, “I told you so.”
Doing things differently means finally admitting
that the adults were right and I was wrong
(Solving Problems...)
If I become too successful, my parents will think
that they’re no longer necessary
I’m still too angry at my parents to make them
proud of me and give them a chance to brag
If I make a change for the better, I’ll have to
beat myself up for not having made that change
sooner than I did
PROBLEM-SOLVING PROBLEMS
When a problem is not being solved well,
this represents a failure of the imagination,
not a failure of the Teen, the parent, or anyone
else…no one is to blame, but everyone is
responsible for approaching the stuckpoint
more creatively
STAGE FOUR:
FORGIVING
Forgiving your Teen is not the same as, nor
should it lead to…
•
•
•
•
Acquiescence—a failure to assert your authority
Passivity, resignation and hopelessness
Dread of being disliked or unpopular
Allowing yourself to be manipulated or exploited
(STAGE FOUR)
Forgiving parents…
• Liberate their Teens from the
expectation that they will make all
parental dreams come true
• Liberate themselves from chronic
feelings of guilt, resentment and
disappointment
STAGE FIVE:
The Realities of Family Growth and
Change
• True growth only occurs in a loving relationship
• Teens may not change until parents change
• Sometimes, you have to change the reason for
changing if change is going to come about
• Growth presents risk and things can always change
from bad to worse
• Behaviors may change before attitudes do
(STAGE FIVE)
• Not every step is a step forward, but there is
no way for growth to take place without
taking steps
• Growth is not always visible
• Optimistically predicting growth increases the
likelihood of growth
• Overplaying the necessity of growth actually
undermines the possibility of growth
Good Enough Parents…
• Remember that your main
job is to be there to be left
behind
Good Enough Parents…
Acting as both:
Beacon
and
Mirror
Good Enough Parents…
Know that it’s usually not firm action,
but the lack of it, that pushes Teens to
extremes—your job is to lead not to
be liked
(Set limits, establish rules, impose
positive and negative consequences)
Good Enough Parents…
• Embrace your own, and your Teen’s,
mixed emotions about family life
Good Enough Parents…
• Allow Teen opportunities to succeed and fail
without rescuing them (You can’t plant without
digging a hole)
• Work in partnership with your Teen, gradually
sharing power, responsibility and freedom in
workable doses
POWER-GRAM
What decisions does the child
have complete power to make?
What decisions do the parents
retain complete power to make?
What decision-making do the child
and parents share in?
Currently
One year ago
One year from now
RESPONSIBILITY-GRAM
What is the child solely
responsible for?
What are the parents solely
responsible for?
What responsibilities are shared
between child and parents?
Currently
One year ago
One year from now
RELATIONSHIP-GRAM
What is the child entitled to do
on his/her own?
What are the parents entitled to do
on their own?
What are the child are parents
expected to do together?
Currently
One year ago
One year from now
Good Enough Parents
• Have compassion for their passions
• Are honest and empathic about the
difficulty and unfairness of growth
and change
Good Enough Parents
• Become increasingly comfortable with
disappointing their Teen (and being
disappointed by him/her)
• Focus more on modeling than instruction
Keep the Emphasis on…
Transforming
vs.
Performing
The Curiosity Concept
Parent-teen conversations should be
designed to attract adolescents’
curiosity about who they are and
why they do what they do so that
they begin to discover a sense of
meaning and purpose behind their
actions
The Curiosity Dialogue
• Not a debate
• Not a sermon or lecture
• Not an interrogation or
cross-examination
The Curiosity Dialogue
An Inquiry
not
An Inquisition
The Curiosity Dialogue
• No rigidly anticipated conclusion
• Induces further thought/reflection
in the teen
• Leads the teen to converse with
him/herself more than with you
The Curiosity Dialogue
• Prompts the teen towards increased
closeness, both with others and with
him/herself
• Encourages the teen to learn new ways of
finding meaning in the world
• Stimulates you to learn about yourself from
your teen
The Curiosity Dialogue
Results in hope for the future
and an increased resolve to
change and grow, rather than
immobilizing feelings of shame,
guilt and self-loathing
The Curiosity Dialogue
Individuals who create or
discover something new and
deeper with each connect in
new and deeper ways to each
other
The Curiosity Dialogue
It’s all in the delivery
Being more receptive to and
interested in the teen’s
experience than s/he is
The Curiosity Dialogue
Focus on the
Soil
not the
Seed
The Curiosity Dialogue
•
•
•
•
I am here and I hear you
I care about you
I respect your point of view
I want to understand you and will hang in
there in an effort to do so
• I know what it is like to not feel heard and
understood
The Curiosity Dialogue
• What were you trying to accomplish when
you acted as you did?
• What alternatives presented themselves?
• How did you decide which alternative to
pursue?
• How do you feel about your choice, and
how did it work out?
• What would you do differently next time?
The Curiosity Dialogue
Invites the Teen to Consider:
•
•
•
•
•
WHO WAS I?
WHO AM I?
WHAT CONFUSES ME ABOUT ME?
WHO DO I WANT TO BECOME?
HOW WILL THAT MAKE MY LIFE,
THE LIVES OF OTHERS, AND THE
WORLD AS A WHOLE BETTER?
The Curiosity Dialogue:
Personal Reflection
• What am I expecting of my Teen and
why?
• Was this something that was or is
expected of me?
The Curiosity Dialogue:
Personal Reflection
• Have I always met this expectation,
and, if not, why not?
• If I have, what was challenging about
doing so?
• If I haven’t, why haven’t I, and is it fair
of me to expect it of someone else, such
as my Teen?
The Curiosity Dialogue
Results in hope for the future
and an increased resolve to
change and grow, rather than
immobilizing feelings of shame,
guilt and disappointment
Pot Dialogue
I’m not happy to tell you this, but I was in
your room while you were at school today
and found a bag of weed.
Why were you in my room?
I was actually cleaning things out…
You shouldn’t go into my room when I’m not
there…I hate it when you go through my
stuff…don’t I get any privacy around here?
Pot Dialogue
We can discuss the issue of privacy and
whose house this is at another time, but I
believe what we need to discuss at this point
is the fact that you’re still smoking weed,
even after all of the trouble you’ve gotten
into…
I wouldn’t get into trouble if they would
legalize it—you know that it’s going to be
legal here, it’s already legal in lots of places
Pot Dialogue
Well, it may or it may not be legal here one
day, but right now it’s not—and, anyway, I
don’t want this to turn into a discussion of
our legal system…
Why not? It’s all so hypocritical! Weed is so
much safer than alcohol, nobody ever dies
from overdosing, so why is weed illegal and
alcohol isn’t?
Pot Dialogue
I am interested in your thoughts on this matter
but right now, as I said, I would like to talk
to you about the choices you are making,
not about the fairness of our justice system
No you don’t! You don’t want to talk to me
about the choices I am making, you just
want me to make different choices! I know
what you’re up to!
Pot Dialogue
Is there a way that we could have this
discussion without you thinking that I’m
trying to change who you are?
Yeah—by not having it!
Is there a way that we could have this
discussion without you thinking that I’m
trying to change who you are?
Pot Dialogue
Silence
I would really like to know more about why
you smoke weed…we’ve already
established the fact that I don’t think you
should and you think that it’s perfectly
okay, but I’ve never taken the time to find
out what appeals to you about it.
Pot Dialogue
You really want to know?
Yes, I really want to know
Silence
Yes, I really want to know
Ever since I started smoking weed, I don’t
worry as much
Hmmm…how does that work?
Pot Dialogue
I just feel like a weight has been lifted off of
me when I’ve smoked up…like I’m okay
just being me…I don’t have to do anything,
I don’t have to be anything…I’m just me
when I’m high…
It must be a tremendous burden to feel like
it’s not okay to be you
Yeah…
Pot Dialogue
When did you first start feeling like it wasn’t
okay to be you?
(Pauses…)
Middle school, I guess…I guess at the end of
middle school, like 8th grade
And what was that like?
It sucked…it really sucked…
Pot Dialogue
Would you be willing to tell me when you
first tried weed?
(Pauses)…9th grade…
And how did it feel when you tried it?
The first couple of times, not much
happened…but then I tried it once and it
was this great feeling…it was like I was
“okay” again…
Pot Dialogue
What a relief that must have been…to feel
like you were “okay again”
Yeah…yeah…
So do you ever feel “okay” when you’re not
high?
Silence
Do you worry that you need to be high to feel
okay?
Pot Dialogue
I don’t know what I’d do without it…but that
doesn’t mean I’m addicted, you know,
there’s no withdrawal with pot…
I’m not interested in evaluating you, I’m
interested in your experience…what do you
think you’d do without it if you decided to
go without it?
I don’t know…I’ve actually tried to go
without it at times
Pot Dialogue
And what happens then?
I start to miss it…I start to feel like I want that
“okay feeling” again…do you know what
it’s like to not feel okay?
I believe I do
You do? Because you certainly don’t act like
you do, you always seem to know what
you’re doing, you’ve always got all the
answers
Pot Dialogue
I know enough to know it’s not very
pleasant…I know enough to know that it’s
hard work getting to the place where you
feel like you’re okay just being
yourself…I’m actually still working on it
I don’t think I’m very good at it
Maybe you haven’t given yourself enough of
a chance
Pot Dialogue
Maybe I don’t deserve a chance…
How did you come to the conclusion that you
don’t deserve a chance?
I don’t know, I don’t know…I don’t know
what to do
What to do about what?
Pot Dialogue
What to do about the fact that I’m only happy
when I’m high…
You’re asking a good question…
I just wish you were okay with it…then
everything would be fine…
I know you do…and I wish that you didn’t
believe that you could only be happy when
you’re high
Pot Dialogue
Well, that’s how it is…
What are you afraid will happen if you stop
smoking?
I can stop anytime…it’s not addictive…
I didn’t say you couldn’t stop…I’m asking
you what you are afraid would happen if
you did stop?
Pot Dialogue
(Long Pause)
I don’t know…look, are we done?
Done what?
Done talking about this already!
It doesn’t feel to me like we’re done…it
actually feels to me like we’ve just
started…
Pot Dialogue
Aarghhhh…This is when I feel like getting
high…right now!
Alcohol Dialogue
Although I doubt that you want to do so, it is
time for us to talk about what happened last
night
I knew it…here comes the lecture…
I know that I am prone to lecturing, but I am
really hoping that we can talk about it a
little differently this time
Alcohol Dialogue
Let’s not…why don’t you just tell me what a
terrible daughter I am and get it over with?
Is that what you think I think of you?
Oh, come on, Dad….What else would you
think when your darling daughter is
dropped off on your front yard, vomiting, at
3 a.m.? That she’s an angel?
Alcohol Dialogue
That did upset me greatly, but that doesn’t
mean I think that you’re terrible
Well maybe you ought to think again
You think you’re terrible?
I must be! Why else would I fuck up over and
over again?
Alcohol Dialogue
Maybe that’s what we ought to try to figure
out together
What’s there to figure out? I’m a fuck-up!
What kind of girl gets so drunk at a party
that she’s puking all over herself? And, as
you are always the first to remind me, this
wasn’t the first time…it’s happened
before…
Alcohol Dialogue
You seem so convinced…
Convinced of what?
That you’re a fuck-up…
Well, I am, aren’t I? Why don’t you just
come out and say it? Go ahead, it would
make you feel better! It would make me
feel better!
Alcohol Dialogue
I don’t appear to have to say anything about
how awful you are, you seem to be doing
plenty of that yourself…
Well, at least I’m good at something!
I would suggest that you’re good at many
things besides that
Alcohol Dialogue
….And now here comes the pep talk! I’m
smart, I’m pretty, I’ve got a good
personality…I’ll just fill in the blanks and
save you the time…meanwhile, I’ve
humiliated myself again…do you realize I
had to be carried out of Courtney’s house?
Do you realize that Jason’s car has puke all
over the back seat? My puke? Your lovely
daughter’s puke?
Alcohol Dialogue
And so what’s your conclusion?
My conclusion? How many times do I have
to say it? I’m a worthless piece of shit.
Look, can we just end this stupid
conversation? Just ground me, take away
my phone, take away my laptop…you
know, the usual…just let me know how
long it’s going to be for so I can let my
friends know…
Alcohol Dialogue
I’m actually not up to the “consequences”
phase of this conversation yet
Well, what are you waiting for? Isn’t that
where it’s going to end up anyway? C’mon,
Dad, just cut to the chase already…
Alcohol Dialogue
Well, you are correct, there will be
consequences. But, let’s face it, we’ve
been imposing consequences for months
now, and, as you’ve said, nothing really
seems to be changing.
Alcohol Dialogue
Exactly! I’m hopeless!
I don’t quite see it that way. It seems a little
premature to decide that a 16 year old is
hopeless
Well, then, where’s the hope?
Maybe the hope can be found by putting our
heads together to try to figure out why you
do what you do…
Alcohol Dialogue
Oh, that’ll work…
Well, have you tried it on your own?
Tried what?
Tried to figure out why you do what you do?
Yeah, because I’m a fuck-up! We’ve been
over this!
Hard to believe it’s that simple…
Alcohol Dialogue
Maybe it is…
Maybe…maybe not…all of us screw up, and
sometimes we screw up over and over
again…that doesn’t mean we’re hopeless
What does it mean?
It usually means we’re trying to figure
something out…but kind of going about it
the wrong way
Alcohol Dialogue
What am I trying to figure out?
Well, I’m not sure. You’re the only one who
knows. But you might be more likely to
figure things out if you saw yourself as
someone who’s trying to figure things out,
rather than as a terrible daughter…
Silence
Alcohol Dialogue
What’re you thinking?
Silence
Do you know what’s going through your
head?
Weird stuff’s going through my head…weird
stuff…
Anything that you’re able to tell me?
Alcohol Dialogue
I don’t know…I don’t know…
It’s obviously up to you to decide what to say
and what not to say to me…but I do have to
say that it’s probably a good sign that some
“weird stuff” is going through you head…
Why is that good? You’re starting to sound a
little weird yourself…
Alcohol Dialogue
Because it tells me that maybe you’re
beginning to think about things differently,
rather than just believing that there’s
something wrong with you…
Oh, there’s something wrong with me,
alright…Listen, I’m not the person you
think I am…
Alcohol Dialogue
Did you want to give me a chance to get to
know the person you really are?
Don’t think so…
Did you want to give yourself a chance to get
to know the person you really are?
(Long Pause) I think I spend all my time
trying not to get to know the person I really
am…
Alcohol Dialogue
Join the club…
You, too?!?
All of us run from who we really are…or
from who we think we really are…or from
who we fear we really are…
Really?
Sure…sometimes it’s the scariest thing in the
world to get to know yourself…
Alcohol Dialogue
Why is it so scary?
I’m not sure…I guess we all have some
secrets, some things we’re ashamed of or
hate about ourselves…I know I do, that’s
for sure…
Alcohol Dialogue
How do you deal with it?
Sometimes pretty well, sometimes not so
well…but as you get older, it does get a
little easier to be in your own skin…maybe
it’s just experience, who knows?
(Long Pause) Why am I even here?
Alcohol Dialogue
That’s an awfully important question to
ask…I have to say, I’m glad you’re asking
it…I wish more people would ask it…
But how do I answer it? I honestly don’t even
know what I’m doing here sometimes…
I have the sense you haven’t really given
yourself a chance to ask yourself that
question, let alone answer it…
Alcohol Dialogue
Ughhh…I hate feeling like this…
…and when you hate what you’re feeling,
what do you feel like doing?
What do you mean?
When you don’t like what you’re feeling,
what do you find yourself wanting to do?
(Long Pause)
Alcohol Dialogue
Getting so drunk I can’t even see straight,
that’s what…
Academic Dialogue
We’re heading into a new school year now,
and I found myself wondering what your
goals are…
Here we go again…
No, I’d really like to hear what your goals
are…
I wanna get all A’s, maybe a B or two…
okay?
Academic Dialogue
Really?
Yeah, really—isn’t that what you want to
hear? Now can I go back to my game?
Academic Dialogue
Well, this is not really about what I want to
hear, it’s about what you want to
accomplish
Oh…well, if that’s what you’re asking, I still
wanna get all A’s and B’s
I’m impressed with your setting such a high
standard for yourself…how will you feel if
you reach your goal?
Academic Dialogue
I’ll feel great—plus, it’ll get you off my back,
too!
I guess it’s not a lot of fun feeling like I’m on
your back, huh?
Uh-uh…that’s why I don’t do well at school
You don’t do well at school because I’m on
your back?
Academic Dialogue
Yeah, if you would just back off, I’d be doing
better
How is it that my being on your back affects
how you do at school?
I just hate it, that’s all…you’re always
checking my homework, going on-line to
see what my grades are, hiring tutors,
making me take medicine…it’s a pain…
Academic Dialogue
Would you rather I didn’t do those things?
Yeah…I said it’s a pain
What do you think would happen if I stopped
doing some of those things?
I’d do better—I’d probably get all A’s and B’s
And then you’d have me off your back, right?
Academic Dialogue
Right!
Well, I’m sure you know that if you were
consistently taking care of business at
school, I would probably enjoy doing other
things besides checking up on your progress
Really?
Really…
Academic Dialogue
Anyway, it’s certainly worth a try cutting
back, I suppose…but, just out of curiosity,
what should we do if you don’t reach your
goal of getting all A’s?
I don’t know—but one thing I don’t want to
do is work with that stupid tutor again
You’re not feeling like she was helpful?
Academic Dialogue
It’s a waste of time—all she did was go over
the same stuff we did in class
Although your grades did come up a bit once
you started working with her
That wasn’t because of her…
Why did it happen then?
I don’t know…but it wasn’t because of her…
Academic Dialogue
Do you remember why we decided you
should try working with the tutor?
Yeah…because you were angry that I wasn’t
doing well in school…
That’s part of it…but do you remember that
night when you were upset because you
couldn’t do your homework, and you
thought everyone else understood it better
than you did?
Academic Dialogue
Silence
Having a learning disability is no picnic, is it?
Duh…
You must get sick of having to do extra things
just to keep up with kids who are no smarter
than you are…
Silence
Academic Dialogue
I hate Molly…
Why do you hate Molly?
Because she never has to study for tests and
she gets A’s anyway
Watching people do well without having to
work as hard as you do must feel lousy…
Yeah, it does…
Academic Dialogue
So how can we figure out if you don’t want to
work with a tutor because you don’t think
it’s helpful, or if you don’t want to work
with a tutor because you’re just so angry
that a tutor may be necessary for you to
keep up with kids who aren’t any smarter
than you are?
I don’t know…why are you asking me all of
these questions, anyway?
Academic Dialogue
Because I believe you know the answer to
these questions better than anyone else does
You do?
Yes, I do…how else could anyone know
what’s going on inside of you better than
you do?
I just don’t want to start the year working with
the tutor
Academic Dialogue
Well, that would be fine…but at what point
do you think that you might want to
reconsider the possibility of working with
her?
I want to wait and see how I do first quarter
Okay…but will you let me know when you’re
thinking it might be time to hire her back, or
are you going to feel too angry about this to
bring it up?
Academic Dialogue
I don’t know…
I think we should keep an open mind on
this…although perhaps the best way to
figure this out would be to see if you’re
meeting your goals
You mean getting all A’s and B’s?
Just like you said…
Academic Dialogue
Well, maybe A’s and B’s, but a C is okay, too
It’s entirely up to you to establish your
goals—
2 C’s?
As I said, it’s entirely up to you…
Okay, so if I get 2 C’s or below first quarter,
I’ll start working with a tutor…
Academic Dialogue
If that’s how you want to handle it, that
sounds like a good plan to me…
Can I change my mind?
Of course you can change your mind…we can
keep an eye on this together from quarter to
quarter, but, as I said, it’s your future that
you’re creating, so you have to be the one
who sets the standard…and I know you
want to succeed
Academic Dialogue
Do you think the tutor will still want to work
with me?
I’m sure that if you commit to working hard
with her, she’ll be happy to have you
back…
Hey, wait a minute…what about taking
medicine? Do I still have to take medicine?
Academic Dialogue
I think it’s time for us to start getting past the
“have to” stage…if you think the medicine
is helpful, then you should feel free to take
it…if not, then we’ll talk to your doctor and
make a decision about whether or not to
continue…
I don’t like having to make all of these these
stupid decisions
Academic Dialogue
I can understand that…it’s difficult taking
control of your life…but you’re going to
feel much, much better about things when
you realize that you’re driving the car,
rather than sitting in the passenger seat,
being driven by others
What if I get in an accident?
Academic Dialogue
Well, that happens sometimes…but that’s
why we’re taking this process slowly, so
that you can gradually take over the wheel
as you feel more and more ready to
steer…and we’re here to help you figure
that out…
Academic Dialogue
I don’t think I’m ever gonna feel ready…
Finally…
As children grow, it’s not
ultimately what you say, but
how you say it, and how well
you listen, that determines
your influence as parent
Finally…
As children grow, it’s not
ultimately what you say, but
how you say it, and how well
you listen, that determines
your influence as parent
The Nature of the Journey
Adolescents are preoccupied with questions of
purpose…
• To know that their life has meaning
• To connect the meaning of their lives with
the meaning of other individuals’ lives
• To connect that meaning with the universe
as a whole…
The Nature of the Journey
• To make sense of and grow from the pain
they have to endure
• To understand and be grateful for the
sources of wonder and joy in their lives