New Visions of Ageing
From Ageing to Sage-ing
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Sage-ing themes to lookout for
Transitions
Images of ageing
Fears
Life review
Re-contextualising the past
Healing/Forgiveness/self forgiveness
Life completion/resolution
New beginnings
Love and sexuality
Mentoring/intergenerational relationships
Marigold Hotel Discussion Points
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Madge: When someone dies, you think about your own life. And I don't want to
grow older. I don't want to be condescended to. To become marginalised and
ignored by society. I don't want to be the first person they let off the plane in a
hostage crisis.
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Graham: All that time I thought I’d sentenced him to a life of shame, but I was the
one in prison.
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What does the movie say about truly important things?
What meaning can you find in this story that applies to your life?
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Could you apply any of the characteristics listed in “The Essence of Sage-ing”
(p.11) to this film?
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Was there evidence of ‘elders’ or ‘eldering’, as defined on p.7, in the story? Does
an elder have to be an older person? Which characters are ‘elders’? what makes
them so?
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What nuggets of wisdom can we take from this experience
TRANSITION IS A DEATH AND RE-BIRTH PROCESS
It involves a disorientation and a re-orientation:
– An ending, followed by
– a period of confusion and distress, leading to
– a new beginning
NECESSARY LOSSES OF MID-LIFE
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Parents
Other loved ones
Children moving on – or not
Sense of identity
Professional self
Physical self and self-image around this
Sexual self
Arch Vs Staircase
BRAIN RESEARCH
• Research over the past 20+ years has shown:
• Brain is continuously re-sculpting itself in response to experience and
learning;
• New brain cells do form throughout life. Physical exercise and new
learning lead to release of ‘brain growth factors’ causing primitive
brain cells to mature to neurons. Prolonged stress, depression and
PTSD result in reduction in neuron production and reduced
hippocampal volume. (Treatment reverses this trend);
• Brain’s emotional circuitry matures and becomes more balanced with
age;
• Brain’s 2 hemispheres are more equally used by older adults;
• Equanimity and social aplomb in older adults is due to psychological
factors such as perspective and greater acceptance, which in turn are
due to the growing calmness in the limbic system with age. The
amygdalae activity reduces with age;
• Brain changes support continuing development in later life.
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G Cohen (The Mature Mind: the Positive Power of the Aging Brain)
DEVELOPMENTAL PHASES OF ADULTHOOD
• Midlife re-evaluation (40-65): Q’s asked: “Where have
I been? Where am I now? Where am I going? A desire
to break new ground, answer deep questions and
search for what is true and meaningful in their lives.
• Liberation phase (late 50s – 70s): Desire to
experiment, innovate and free ourselves from earlier
inhibitions or limitations. Q: “If not now, when?”
• Summing up phase (late 60s- 70s & 80s):
Recapitulation, resolution and review – often resulting
in desire to ‘give back’;
• Continuation, reflection and celebration (encore)
(70s-end of life): Desire to restate and reaffirm major
themes in our lives and to live life well to the very end.
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From G Cohen The Mature Mind: the Positive Power of the Aging Brain
COMMON THEMES OF NEW MODELS
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Inner push to take stock, review life;
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Need to attend to unfinished business;
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‘Interiority’ – increasing tendency to contemplation, self knowledge and
discovery;
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Increasing urgency of addressing deep existential and philosophical
questions and to find meaning and purpose;
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Spiritual dimension to the phase (reflected in the growth in contemplation,
feelings of connection to the universe, questions being asked) (see Rumi
poem);
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The desire to give back and to leave a legacy;
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The need for ‘conscious’ inner work to be undertaken in order to ensure that
we ‘grow whole’ rather than just ‘growing old’.
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Continued or new creative expression
Rumi
Little by little, wean yourself.
This is the gist of what I have to say.
From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood,
move to an infant drinking milk,
to a child on solid food,
to a searcher after wisdom,
to a hunter of more invisible game.
Sin Qua Non of Sage-ing
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To take hold of the willingness to deal with life completion and overcome the reluctance to face
your reality and the desire to stay in denial of ageing.
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To come to terms with your mortality.
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To acquire the skills for working on the inside by practising journal writing, meditation, imaginal
exercises
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To pay attention to your body, feelings, mind and spirit
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To give a real hearing to the inner voices, allowing all the minorities within you to have a voice.
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To begin to do life repair:
– In health;
– In practical matters with wills and testaments;
– In relationships and between generations;
– By reaching into the past and offering release and healing;
– Through forgiveness work with release from vindictiveness;
– By finding the pearls in the anxious memories.
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To do the philosophical homework by raising questions about the purpose and meaning of your
life.
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To serve as an elder to others: as a guide, mentor and agent of healing and reconciliation on
behalf of the planet, the nation and the family by being a wisdom keeper.
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To prepare for a serene death.
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Elderquest
• The Call _ Stimulus which initiates the search
• The Search – Ignited by the call; sometimes difficult to
define
• The Journey – setting off on a journey, outward and
inward
• The Guide(s) – helpers found along the way
• The Struggle – internal, seeking meaning and integrity
of their experience
• The Breakthrough - usually gradual & subtle
• The Return – completing and accepting one’s self and
connection with others
STAGES OF OUR LIFE – AS A CYCLE OF A YEAR
0 – 7 years
8 – 14 years
15 – 21 years
22 – 28 years
29 – 35 years
36 – 42 years
43 – 49 years
50 – 56 years
57 – 63 years
64 – 70 years
71 – 77 years
78 – 84 years
85 + years
January
cutting the first teeth
February
childhood
March
adolescence, teenage years
April
young adulthood
May
Saturn return; redefining self in the world,
separate from family of origin
June
virile adult
July
mid-age redefining (crises)
August
height of summer, crone’s age
Sept
end of summer, beginning of the harvest
October
harvesting of one’s life
November gathering the seeds
December completion of the cycle, looking towards the
next season
Jubilee Month
And if we all lived together?
1.
(The film) - its very character and mood – its plot – holds within it a sharp rejoinder
to toxic clichés.
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There’s a scene about halfway through where one of the film’s cast of 70somethings tries to explain – to a much younger man – that being old doesn’t mean
one just "stops". Sex, ambition, desire, and one’s principles are still alive and well
and still throbbing with life. The body, though, offers up daily betrayals.
3.
Of course, Robelin’s ironic joke here is that this communal style of living means for
these five this is a kind of trip back in time. It doesn’t take too long once the five
move into Jean and Annie’s large, rambling suburban pile before old feuds,
frustrations and the trace elements of love affairs long soured arise
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As people, they want to end their adult lives the way they began them: as
independent thinkers supported by friends. They want to elect how best to depart
the world.
….. our very essence, may mature but never truly grow old. I’m not sure if that’s
true or wise, but if it is, it’s something to look forward to, no?
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Questions Life is addressing to you
• If I were to die now, what would I most regret not having
done?
• What remains incomplete in my life?
Schachter-Shalomi
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Have I given and received love?
Did I find my voice?
Did I make a difference?
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
What is needed for wholeness and
balance?
A shaman or medicine-man would ask you one of these
questions if you said you had become dispirited:
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When did you stop singing?
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When did you stop dancing?
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When did you stop being enchanted by stories,
especially, your life story?
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When did you stop being comforted by the sweet
territory of silence?
From Angeles Arien
A definition of an elder & eldering
• An Elder is a person who is still growing, still a learner, still with
potential, and whose life continues to have within it promise for,
and connection to the future.
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An Elder is still in pursuit of happiness, joy and pleasure, and her or
his birthright to these remains intact.
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Moreover, an Elder is a person who deserves respect and honour
and whose work it is to synthesise wisdom from the long life
experience and formulate this into a legacy for future generations.
The Live Oak Project©
Eldering
• Eldering connotes process, change, movement. It is a state of
growth and evolution, a process with endless possibilities.
Top Five Regrets
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices
they had made, or not made.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard
All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits.
The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of
change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they
longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
Discussion Q’s for Get Low
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“I built my own jail and put myself in it. And I stayed in it for 40 goddamn years. No wife. No kids. No friends. No nothing.
No grandchildren. I wouldn’t even know how to hold a baby. You hear me? Forty years. Now, that’s not enough?” Felix
“You know it’s not.” Rev Charlie Jackson
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To what extent do you empathise with Felix’s decision to isolate himself for 40 years?
What does he think he is achieving through his self-imposed exile?
Why does Charlie think differently?
Charlie doesn’t think it’s enough. Does Felix really think it is?
2. “There’s alive and there’s dead. And there’s a worse place in between them that I hope you never know nothin’ about”
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What does Felix mean?
Is this feeling something with which you have ever been able to identify?
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“I did something I’m ashamed of – something I could never fix…I didn’t want forgiveness. No. I needed to hold onto what I
did, to be sick from it every day of my life…. I would like forgiveness now, if possible. And then, I don’t mind dying for real next
time. But please forgive me. ” – Felix
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Why didn’t Felix want forgiveness?
Do you have situations/people in your life, whom you don’t want to forgive? Are there things for which you don’t want to
forgive yourself?
What are the effects of locking oneself into that position?
How do Felix’s views of forgiveness change? Why?
To what extent do you think Felix understands the true nature of forgiveness by the end?
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What finally makes Felix come out of isolation and conceive the idea of a living funeral?
He says he wants to hear the stories being told about him. What do you think he really wants?
Lessons life taught me
Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old
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1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
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2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
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3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
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4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and •
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
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6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
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7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
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8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
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9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
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10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
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11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
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12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
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13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their
journey is all about.
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14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
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15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God •
never blinks.
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16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
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17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
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18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is •
up to you and no one else.
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20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for •
an answer.
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21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.
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Don't save it for a special occasion.
Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give some time to time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you
did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come…
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Guidelines for writing ethical will
Possible beginning phrases:
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The formative events of my life ….
The world from which I came…
The people who influenced me the most….
My favourite possessions that I want you to have….
The main themes that have run through my life are…
The questions and issues I have struggled with …
Looking back, what I consider my most outstanding accomplishments as…..
Probably, the biggest challenge I have faced… From dealing with it, I learned….
The things most important to me…..
My most important lessons in life have been…
The mistakes I most regret having made in my life….
When I look back over my life, I feel….
I would like to ask your forgiveness for…. and I forgive you for….
I want you to know how much I love you and how grateful I am to you for ……
Guidelines for writing ethical will II
Possible topics/headings:
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Telling my story, connecting me to my family and ancestors
Transmitting family history, connecting the past and future
Defining my values and wisdom
Articulating my spiritual journey
Expressing gratitude for blessings in my life
Making amends or requesting forgiveness
Giving an account of the history of my money and ‘valuables’, along with
my reasons for bequeathing them
• Stating my life passions, the causes I care about, and my charitable gifts
• Explaining my burial requests and how I want to be memorialised
• Describing my art, crafts, poetry and other legacies
(from Rachael Freed ‘Women’s Lives, Women’s Legacies’ p.226)
SAGE-ING THEMES
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Encountering our mortality
Life review
Healing relationships
Forgiveness
Doing Philosophic Homework
Mentoring
Mastering the art of Living
Spiritual Wisdom