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DrAnneenthusiasticLife
Dr MargiAnne Isaia, MD MPH PCC-T
SET
Sexuality in marriage
PART
5
Love Lab
CONCEPTS
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“Sexual fantasies interfere with intimacy during sex”.
“There are three dimensions of psychological experience during sex:
sexual trance,
partner engagement
and role play.
These dimensions make clear that “what you think about during sex affects
how your genitals function” and help explain “how an optimized mind-set
can produce profound sexual experience”.
David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009
Love Lab
CONCEPTS
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Partner engagement is a “sexual mind-set which emphasizes your
emotional bond with your partner”. In other words “sex is a loving union
between warm, tender, caring partners”.
”A profound partner engagement involves a single partner with unique
status in your life. It also involves a partner who can engage you on that
level”.
David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009
Love Lab
CONCEPTS
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“The people-growing machinery of marriage leads you to being true lovers
and best friends”.
“Emotional fusion fuels and shapes normal marital sadism”.
”Poorly differentiated couples approach monogamy as a promise to each
other and later blame their spouse for their mutual deprivation pact”.
David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009
Love Lab
CONCEPTS
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“Monogamy in highly differentiated couples becomes a commitment to
oneself”.
”Personal integrity supports the self-validated intimacy necessary to keep
your sexual relationship alive and grow”.
”Forgiveness is an act of self-caring and deliberate decision to get on with
one’s life”.
David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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Mind-wandering and having sexual fantasies during sex compromise the
emotional connection between partners.
It doesn’t matter if there is “partner-replacement” or “partner-included”
fantasies, the outcomes are the same: emotional disconnection and no
satisfaction.
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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Sexual trance with its focus on body sensation could provide the
impression that you are “in the moment”, but this not necessarily means
you are connected with your partner.
I believe that the affirmation “trance state sex can be intimate if both
people enjoy it and are good at it” is purely an exaggeration.
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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Trance state is in itself an out-of-mind state where is no real pleasure for
the person experiencing it: this is a fake experience.
If two persons experience this state during sex I am wondering about their
mental health.
In the same time, with the focus on sensations in order to get “good sex” it
is important to consider that overstimulation of sexual areas overwhelms
the brain and results in brain damages and depression.
Nobody can go beyond the body physiology and still enjoy good health and
happiness.
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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Partner engagement where sexual encounter increases self-awareness
and interconnection creates the most sublime experience in marriage.
Indeed, it makes sex a spiritual communion where the partners celebrate
the gift of sexuality and express their thanks to the Giver.
I don’t agree with the author’s idea about unbalanced involvement in all
three dimensions and limited sexual styles which create rigid quality in
long-term sexual relationships.
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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People develop distorted ideas about sexual styles and are looking for
something more exciting in their experiences.
With partner engagement as the only sexual mind-set is possible to reach
your maximum sexual potential: your personhood, your increasing level of
differentiation and intimacy work together for development of sexuality.
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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In a good marriage partners learn to self-sooth which make them navigate
through two-choice dilemma and overcome the sex-related anxieties.
The partners increase in their capacity of recognizing and owning their
feelings toward their partners.
In the same time their personal integrity and commitment to oneself
prevent them from affairs.
REACTIONS
Love Lab
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I agree totally with the fact that having an affair is an act of self-betrayal
first of all.
It makes me understand that in cases of marital infidelity both partners are
hurting and need healing.
The biggest barrier to be overcome in cases of infidelity (emotional
infidelity included) is the incapacity to forgive. Probably, here is the place
for the therapist to make the offended partner to understand forgiveness as
an act of self-care which will help her/him to move on in life.
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Let the partners explore their psycho-emotional experience during sex.
Assess sexual conflict in marriage.
Address the issue of sexual fantasies during sex.
FOR SEX THERAPIST
IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE
Love Lab
Explain the limits of sexual trance in creating intimacy.
Explore the partner engagement during sex and the risk factors which
hinder this sexual mind-set.
Empower the partners to run into their unresolved issues and lack of
personal development.
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Help partners to find increased pleasure in sex accordingly to their sexual
styles.
FOR SEX THERAPIST
IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE
Love Lab
Support them in going over their frustrations generated by unrealistic
expectations.
Explain the risks and benefits of sexual novelty.
Explore how the couple will address the anxiety and ambiguity related with
sexual novelty.
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FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST
IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE
Love Lab
Discuss about the mental dimension of sexual experience and explain the
three dimensions of psychological experience during sex.
Explore the factors which help in developing the full sexual potential in a
long-term relationship.
Address the sexual mind-set of sexual trance.
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FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST
IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE
Love Lab
Define the faces of partner engagement: “sexual predators”, “opportunistic
encounters”, “narcissistic self-reflection”, “real person”, “unique connection”
and “oneness with each other and humanity”.
Introduce the concept of marital sadism.
Explain the role of personal development and integrity in fighting against
marital sadism.
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FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST
IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE
Love Lab
Teach the concept of sexual crucible.
Discuss the possible outcomes when one or both partners welcome the
crucible experience.
Help the couple to develop means to evaluate their personal integrity.
PRACTICE
IMPLICAȚII
CONSILIERUL ȘCOLAR
Love Lab
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Explain the meaning of “hottest erogenous zone”.
Explore the mental dimensions of sexual experience.
Clarify the concept of sexual trance.
Discuss the role of sexual fantasies.
PRACTICE
IMPLICAȚII
CONSILIERUL ȘCOLAR
Love Lab
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Explain the costs of getting involved in pornography.
Help the student to find ways for increasing personal integrity.
Define the concept of monogamy.
Discuss the correlation “monogamy-differentiation-good sex”.
PRACTICE
IMPLICAȚII
CONSILIERUL ȘCOLAR
Love Lab
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Help the student understand the process of growth not only as that of
expressing your emotions, but also that of taking more in.
Empower the student to self-confront as an opportunity toward enjoying
the crucible’s experience.
Explore the topic of emotional infidelity and the ways to prevent it.
PRACTICE
IMPLICAȚII
CONSILIERUL ȘCOLAR
Love Lab
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Make him/her understand the concept of forgiveness as an act of self-care.
Help him deal with two choice-dilemmas and get rid of sex-related
anxieties.
Help the student develop a personal plan for healing the “childhood
wounds” in order to prevent being trapped in an unhealthy relationship.
Love Lab
CLASSICAL AUTHOR
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“We are to use every means that God has placed within our reach for the
government and cultivation of our thoughts. We are to bring our minds into
harmony with His mind. His truth will sanctify us, body and soul and spirit,
and we shall be enabled to rise above temptations.”
EGW --Lt 123, 1904. (HP 164.) {1MCP 235.4}