THE GRIEVING PARENT: RESPONDING TO
CHILDHOOD DEATHS, DISABILITY OR
DISAPPEARANCE
H. Norman Wright
The Ides of March
“My family died last week. What we knew as a
family for the past 12 years is gone. It
fragmented—fell apart. I thought I had just lost
my son, but then it dawned on me. It was both—
Ted and the family we had.”
LOSS AND TRAUMA IN THE FAMILY
It’s usually not one person impacted by a
death but an entire family unit. Unique
problems arise. The balance of the family
system is disrupted. What if a family member
is terminal?
LOSS AND TRAUMA IN THE FAMILY
Each member of the family unit differs in his
or her response and even acceptance of the
news. Some members will respond well to
the needs of the dying person, while others
would rather not acknowledge the
impending death.
LOSS AND TRAUMA IN THE FAMILY
No matter whether you meet with a family of
three or four or a group of eight or ten, each
one will respond in a unique way, even
though they have all been exposed to the
same loss.
LOSS AND TRAUMA IN THE FAMILY
But have they really been exposed to the same
loss? Perhaps, but perhaps not. It could be
that you’ve already experienced this in some
of your own grief events. Each person’s grief
response is affected by numerous factors,
and by its DNA. It helps to look at a mourner
and realize all that has come into play.
THE FAMILY UNIT
Part of the difficulty will be family differences to
the event.
“It doesn’t help to talk about it.”
“You can talk about it, but not with me.”
“Let’s just move on.”
“We’re doing fine, but thanks for asking.”
“If your not sharing feelings you’re not
responding in a healthy way.”
“Let’s let others help us.”
FINDING BALANCE AFTER LOSS
Will we continue to participate in the same
recreational activities? What new things will we
do?
 Will we keep going to the same places we used
to—or has the meaning changed too much?
 Will we still feel comfortable with our family and
friends? What things can we do to help develop
a new level of comfort?

FINDING BALANCE AFTER LOSS
Will we find it difficult to fit in with other
intact families? (Where does a family who
lost a child fit in? Where does a family who
lost a parent fit in? Now that the divorce is
final, where are other divorced families we
can connect with?)
 Will we stay in the same house, or will we
need to downscale or move? What will help
make these changes easier on us?

SEVEN CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FAMILY THAT
SURVIVES LOSS
1.
2.
3.
4.
Surviving families learn from others who’ve
made it.
Surviving families express their emotions in
healthy ways, recognizing that tears are a gift
from God and don’t need apology.
Surviving families don’t blame one another.
Surviving families look for solutions rather
than create a war zone of blame.
SEVEN CHARACTERISTICS OF THE FAMILY THAT
SURVIVES LOSS
5. Surviving families don’t allow themselves to
become bitter, they refuse to live in the past or
focus on the “unfairness.”
6. Surviving families resolve their conflicts.
7. Surviving families cultivate a biblical attitude
toward life.
Loss of a Child through Death
Sudden or Terminal
Sudden is a
Crisis or a Trauma
The Normal Crisis and Sudden Loss
Pattern
Phase I
Impact
Phase II
Withdrawal/
Confusion
Phase III
Adjustment
Phase IV
Reconstruction/
Reconciliation
Emotional Level
Time-
Few hours to a
few days
Days to weeks
Weeks to month
Months
ResponseShould I stay &
Intense emotions. You
Your positive Hope has returned.
withdraw
feel drained, anger,
thoughts begin
Self-confidence
sadness, fear, anxiety returning along builds.
depression, rage, guilt. with all the emotions.
Thoughts-
Numb, disoriented.
Thinking ability
Insight ability limited.
limited. Uncertainty
and ambiguity.
Direction
you take
to regain
control
You search for what
you lost.
Searching
Behavior-
Often reminiscing.
You’re now able to
problem solve.
Bargaining-wishfulthinking. Detachment.
Puzzled, unclear.
You begin looking
for something new
to invest in.
You can now stay
focused and begin to
learn from your
experience.
face it or
Thinking clearer.
Progress is evident.
attachments are made
to something
significant.
You may want to stop
and evaluate where
you’ve been and
where you’re going.
Loss by infertility
 Loss by abortion
 Loss by adoption
 Loss by stillbirth
 Loss by SIDS
 Loss by disability


Loss by disappearance
—parent has remarried and moved
thousands of miles away
—a parent has remarried and wants
nothing to do with their former spouse’s
family
—a child runs away
Each year approximately 800,0000 children are
reported missing in America, including some who
are lost, injured, have run away from home or have
been abducted, according to the National Center
for Missing and Exploited Children, the nation’s
clearinghouse of information about mission
children.
—a child blatantly disrespects your beliefs
and values
Loss of parental values
 Loss by trauma

5 CRIES IN THE LOSS OF ANY CHILD
“I hurt” – The cry of pain
 “I want” – The cry of longing
 “I need” – The cry for supportive love
 “I don’t understand” – The cry of “Why?” The
cry of “Why?” is the cry of lament

Job teaches us the lesson of grief we will learn
from lamenting is that the act of lamenting,
protesting, and even accusing God through the
prayer of protest is still an act of faith. It’s an
appeal to the loving God’s loving-kindness.
Lament keeps the door open, keeps Job on the
dance floor with God till the music is over, until
the two tunes are resolved.
Michael Card, A Sacred Sorrow
5 CRIES IN THE LOSS OF ANY CHILD

“What does it all mean?” A cry for significance
LOSS OF A CHILD
—Death robs us of the present and the future
with our child or spouse but it has no grip on
the past – which is why our memories are one
of our greatest gifts.

You lose – hope, dreams, expectations,
fantasies, wishes and in some cases the end of
a family line
LOSS OF A CHILD

You lose part of yourself

With the death of your child you feel as if you
have failed

Loss of sense of identity

Guilt – most prominent feature for many
LOSS OF A CHILD
Parent grief unlike any other – expect grief to be
more intense and last longer than others
1. Problems - “Growing up with your loss.
2. How do you mark your life – events and
accomplishments of children. These bring guilt
surges
3. Little social support
4. Replacement children
LOSS OF A CHILD
5. Idealize the lost child
6. Over-control with other children
7. Resent – other children haven’t grieved
enough
8. Grief of siblings, grandparents
9. Face in the crowd syndrome
10. Shadow Grief
DEATH OF A CHILD
The death of any child is a monumental assault
on your sense of identify. Because you cannot
carry out your role of preserving your child, you
may experience an oppressive sense of failure,
a loss of power and ability, and a deep sense of
being violated. Disillusionment, emptiness and
insecurity may follow, all of which stem from a
diminished sense of self. It’s a loss of a sense
of identity.
DEATH OF A CHILD
Guilt the most prominent feature
If accidental – guilt
If genetic or unexplained medical – guilt
“I gave her the illness.” cancer
Shouldn’t have given aspirin.
SECONDARY LOSSES
—You lost someone who may have taken care
of you in the future.
—Handling the remarriage of a son or daughterin-law and they move and you lose your
grandchildren.
—The significant “date” losses and
developmental—graduation, games, proms –
we see other children moving on.
—Ambiguous and disenfranchised losses
MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD
For fear of “being judged insane,” as one book
put it, most mothers choose not to voice what
turns out to be the “very powerful”- and also
very normal – urge to steal another mother’s
child.
 It is also not uncommon to feel bitterness or a
sense of injustice when one loses a child. So if
you find yourself thinking, “Why me?, Why my
child?, Why our family?” you are in good
company.

MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD

Some parents describe “an irrational sense of
self-blame” following the death of a child. We
replay the what if’s of our child’s life and death
a thousand times a day. Almost always selfblame is misplaced.
MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD

Grief over the loss of a child lasts longer than
any other kind. It heals more slowly and causes
the most monumental disruption for those who
survive. This is because a child is part of what
psychologists call our internal psychological
structure – meaning that in a way part of the
parent dies, too.
MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD
Most experts believe that loss and
helplessness are the greatest tests any
human can face. A child’s death is off the
charts in both categories.
 You may be strong, smart and highly
resilient. But nothing can prepare you for the
loss of a child.

MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD

One reason the loss feels so enormous is that a
child’s death violates an implicit generational
contract, that our own children will survive us.

A child’s death also challenges the fundamental
instinct of parents to protect their child. That is
what we are supposed to do, isn’t it? To make the
world safe? The feeling that we have failed to do
so can haunt us, compounding our sadness.
MOTHER’S RESPONSE TO THE DEATH OF A CHILD

In an era of medical miracles, we are less
culturally conditioned to expect a child’s death
than in previous generations. On the contrary,
the prevailing assumption is that science and
technology can and will work wonders.
Taken from After the Darkest Hour the Sun Will Shine, pp. 108-109
PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
If your marriage was close before, that strength
now may be a disadvantage. It makes both of
you particularly vulnerable to the feelings of
blame and anger that grievers often displace
onto those nearest them.
 Communication problems often develop in
reaction to the grief:
 One of you asks the other unanswerable
questions, such as why the death occurred.
PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
One of you avoids communicating with the
other out of fatigue or for fear it will upset that
person.
 One of you makes irrational demands, such as
asking the other to take away the pain.
 One of you makes rational but unrealistic
demands, such as requesting that one of you
assume all the duties of the other.

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
Differences in how each of you grieve –
Instrumental – Intuitive
 Differences also can be expected in other areas
of grief:
 How you express your feelings—one of you may
want to talk about your child, while the other
may want to avoid discussing him.

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
How you carry out your work or daily activities—
one of you may find comfort in returning to
work, which may provide a respite from your
grief, while the other may be overwhelmed by
responsibilities that only highlight the loss.
 How you relate to things that trigger memories
of your child—one of you may want all the
photographs to be removed from the home,
while the other will want to make sure they are
all hanging up.

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

How you respond to your surviving children—
one of you may withdraw from them in an
attempt to protect them from your grief, while
the other struggles to remain open to them,
appropriately share grief, and remain as normal
as possible with them.
PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

How you deal with the support of others—one of
you may want to attend self-help group
meetings, while the other prefers not to discuss
your deceased child and avoids all other
bereaved parents.
PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
How you cope with your sexual relationship—
one of you may be interested in resuming
sexual intimacy, while the other may feel
uncomfortable and conflicted about having sex.
 How you react to socializing and resuming your
life—one of you may feel that if you ever enjoy
life again you are betraying your child, while the
other feels life must go on, and some
enjoyment is healthy.

PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE
How you search for the meaning of what has
happened—one of you may find comfort in
religion, while the other may give up former
religious beliefs.
 What problem areas you experience in grief—
one of you may have difficulty in letting out
feelings and asking for support, while the other
may have difficulty in expressing anger.

(Original Source Unknown)
SIBLING LOSSES
1. Unique for each child – like adults.
2. Some feel they have aged 10 years in 10
minutes.
3. A major hole in their life – more time with
the sibling than with parents.
4. May feel restricted – may now be an only
child.
What if you are a
Stepparent?
Single parent?
Grandparent?
PHASES OF GRIEVING FOR A DISABLED CHILD
Feelings of Denial
 Feelings of Anger and Fear
 Feelings of Confusion
 Feelings of Powerlessness
 Feelings of Guilt

Dr. Robert Naseef, a parent of a disabled child,
describes a common experience: “For all
parents, a child’s birth is a time of great joy and
optimism. ‘Your child has a disability’ is one of
the most crushing statements that one can
ever hear. Your child can be the source of great
joy or devastating sorry. No matter whether the
disability is mild or sever it crushes you for a
while and you probably tend to hope for the
best, but imagine the worst.”
Dr. Naseef goes on to say:
There are different incidences of odds for each
disability, but when it happens to you, it always
100%. You are totally surrounded by your fate,
as the father played by Nick Nolte in the movie
Lorenzo’s Oil highlighted when he said that he
felt like “a loser in the genetic lottery.”
Or what if your child was healthy at first, and then
the disease or disorder or accident occurred?
STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT
Disability is never as clear-cut as death. Grief
usually mingles with confusion and uncertainty.
Living with a child who has special needs can be
like living inside a pressure cooker. The less the
child is able to function, the greater stress on
every other family member.
Many losses are hard to deal with, but the loss of
your child in this way causes mental torment.
There is no one right way to grieve
STAGES OF ADJUSTMENT
Dealing with Others’ Negativity
 Experiencing Traumatic Life Changes
 Bargaining for a Cure
 Living with Chronic Sorrow

SIBLINGS
Siblings experience the profound unfairness that
is part of their daily life.
Sometimes they find their own possessions taken
or destroyed a disabled sibling who is out of
control.
Too often when there is a disabled child, no one
things about what’s going on and why.
SIBLINGS
Many children hide their distress and have to
deal with it year later, in adulthood.
Children raised with a disabled sibling often feel
a strong sense of responsibility, either selfimposed or placed there by the parents.
SIBLINGS
Siblings face numerous pressures we don’t even
think about. What does a child say to others
when asked about a younger brother who just
died?
What does a child say to others when asked
about a sibling who doesn’t look disabled in
any way but is nonverbal.
Sometimes the less severe the impairment, the
more difficult it is for the sibling.
LOSSES
I was the father of a son, but I didn’t know what
it meant to be the father of a son.
 Never being called “Daddy” or “Papa” or any
term.
 Not having my family name continue.
 Not playing baseball with Matthew.
 Not taking him or teaching him to fish.

LOSSES
Not experiencing all the normal developmental
stages.
 Not having the “father and son talk.”
 Not hearing him sing.
 Not seeing him accept the Lord and grow
spiritually.
 Not being able to baptize him.

WHEN A CHILD IS DISABLED
The disabled are the sign that all men have
significance beyond what they can be, and do
for us. To see the disabled honestly is to remind
us that we cannot earn significance for our
lives, it is a gift of God. Christ makes it possible
for us to love our disabled brothers in a way
radically different from the possessive love that
thrives on the need to be needed.
WHEN A CHILD IS DISABLED
To love the weak in Christ is to dare to be free
and to be free from dependency on their needs.
God wants us to see each other as significant
only as we exist in Him. we are each God’s gift
to the other.
R. Scott Sullender
Losses in Later Life
BALL OF GRIEF
THE CRAZY FEELINGS OF GRIEF
The “crazy” feelings of grief are actually a sane
response to grief. The following examples are
all symptoms of normal grief:
distorted thinking patterns, “crazy” and/or
irrational thoughts, fearful thoughts
 feelings of despair and hopelessness
 out of control or numbed emotions

THE CRAZY FEELINGS OF GRIEF
changes in sensory perceptions (sight, taste,
smell, etc.).
 increased irritability
 may want to talk a lot or not at all
 memory lags and mental “short-circuits”

THE CRAZY FEELINGS OF GRIEF
inability to concentrate
 obsessive focus on the loved one
 losing track of time
 increase or decrease of appetite and/or sexual
desire
 difficulty falling or staying asleep

THE CRAZY FEELINGS OF GRIEF
dreams in which the deceased seems to visit
the griever
 nightmares in which death themes are
repeated
 physical illness like the flu, headaches or other
maladies
 shattered beliefs about life, the world, and even
God

SLEEP
When you lie down you shall not be afraid; yes,
you shall lie down and your sleep shall be
sweet. Be not afraid of sudden terror and
strong, nor of the stormy blast or the storm
and ruin of the wicked when it comes [for
you will be guiltless], For the Lord shall be
your confidence, firm and strong, and shall
keep you foot from being caught [in a trap or
hidden danger].
Proverbs 3:24-26, AMP
SLEEP
You will not be afraid when you go to bed and you
will sleep soundly through the night.
Psalm 3:5, Good News Bible
If I’m sleepless at midnight, I spend the hours in
grateful reflection.
Psalm 63:6, The Msg
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,
Your consolations delight my soul.
Psalm 94:19
I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O
Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Psalm 4:8
SLEEP
In a dream, a vision of the night
When sound sleep falls on men,
Then He opens the ears of men,
And seals their instruction.
(Job 33:15-16).
Dear God,
We give thanks for the darkness of the night
where lies the world of dreams. Guide us
closer to our dreams so that we may be
nourished by them. Give us good dreams
and memory of them so that we may carry
their poetry and mystery into our daily lives
Grant us deep and restful sleep that we may
wake refreshed with strength enough to
renew a world grown tired.
We give thanks for the inspiration of stars, the
dignity of the moon and the lullabies of crickets
and frogs.
Let us restore the night and reclaim it as a
sanctuary of peace, where silence shall be
music to our hearts and darkness shall throw
light upon our souls. Good night. Sweet dreams.
Amen
Michael Leuing
A Common Prayer
Taken from Talking with Bereaved People
by Dodie Graves –
found on Google Images
BAD DAY/GOOD DAY EXERCISE
Bad Day, Good Day exercise. Give your client a
piece of paper and a pen, and ask them to
divide it into two columns. At the top of the
left hand column, write ‘When I have a bad
day i…’’ and the top of the right hand
column, write “When I have a good day, I…”
BAD DAY, GOOD DAY EXERCISE
Ask them to list as many of the things they
experience under each of the headings. You
can use these lists to help them think about
the ways they manage their bereavement.
BAD DAY, GOOD DAY EXERCISE
You can ask questions like:
“What sort of pattern is there to these ‘days’?”
“How long in between the ‘days’ do you find
there is?”
“What sort of things can send you into a ‘bad
day’?”
“How do you get out of a ‘bad day’?”
Taken from Dodie Graves, Talking with Bereaved People
WHAT TO DO
1. List the essentials and the non-essentials
2. List what I know how to do and what I don’t
3. Help them handle the advice of others
4. Help them handle the holidays
5. Explanation letter – Change monthly or
quarterly
EXPLANATION LETTER
Dear Friend (family, pastor, fellow workers…)
Recently I have suffered a devastating loss. I am
grieving and it will take months and even years
to recover from this loss
I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time
to time. I don’t apologize for my tears since they
are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith.
They are God’s gift to me to express the extent
of my loss, and they are also a sign that I am
recovering.
EXPLANATION LETTER
At times you may see me angry for no apparent
reason. Sometimes I’m not sure why. All I know
is that my emotions are intense because of my
grief. If I don’t always make sense to you,
please be forgiving and patient with me. And if I
repeat myself again and again, please accept
this as normal.
EXPLANATION LETTER
More than anything else I need your
understanding and your presence. You don’t
always have to know what to say or even say
anything if you don’t know how to respond. Your
presence and a touch or hug lets me know you
care. Please don’t wait for me to call you since
sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so.
EXPLANATION LETTER
If you have experienced a similar type of loss,
please feel free to share it with me. It will help
rather than cause me to feel worse. And don’t
stop sharing if I begin to cry. It’s all right, and
any tears you express as we talk are all right
too. This loss is so painful, and right now it
feels like the worst thing that could ever
happen to me.
EXPLANATION LETTER
But I will survive and eventually recover. I cling to
that knowledge, even though there have been
times when I didn’t feel it. I know that I will not
always feel as I do now. Laughter and joy will
emerge once again someday.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for
listening and praying. Your concern comforts
me and is a gift which I will always be thankful.
WHAT TO DO
6. Identify safe people
7. Set up a team of people – Different each
month
8. Handle the feelings
9. Help them learn to live “without”
10. Develop a new relationship
What will you continue do to and what will
change?
11. Secondary losses
WHAT TO DO
12. Journals
13. A “Letting Go” prayer