Gifts from Grief
…And because of you I was born, and life
began anew.
Hope Cherishing
Love
c. 1904 by Harry Mileham
May these messages from parents who have known the deepest
sorrowlift your heart,
inspire you to seek light and beauty,
and yes, when ready,
invite you to uncover gifts
that will bless your life.
–Sherokee Ilse
Mother of 2 living sons and 3 in heaven who are always within my heart.
Because our children lived,
we are forever changed.
And somewhere between their birth and
the unspeakable sorrow of their death,
arises enlightenment, inspiration,
friendship, compassion, and hope.
Gifts from grief.
Gifts from our children.
Because they lived.
The Gift of Giving
My son Jeffery was stillborn at 37 weeks
on November 8, 2006.
Jeffery
For his first birthday in Heaven, we decided
to donate toys to a local charity in his
memory...
By Jeffery’s first birthday, we had 95 toys to
donate to the Orange County Ronald McDonald
House!
We went there on his birthday with our truck
full of toys and they were very compassionate,
grateful and kind.
Keeping Memories Alive
One year after my son was stillborn, a woman knitted
10 blankets in his memory. I donated them to Threads
of Love, an organization of women who knit blankets,
clothing, and hats for premature babies then donate
the items to local hospitals.
They had never accepted items in a baby’s memory.
They put tags on each one that said “In memory of
Jeffery Andrew Goltara.”
In July 2009, a woman gave birth to a baby
who wasn’t expected to survive. Her mother-inlaw was the woman had donated the blankets in
Jeffery’s memory.
The nurse gave the family a blanket – one of
Jeffery’s blankets - for the baby.
Little gifts such as these keep me going strong
and help Jeffery’s memory live on.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or
confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing...that is
a friend who cares.
Henri Nouwen
Providing Comfort
I have always been empathetic toward others
and have reached out to friends who were
hurting, but I've never known quite what to do
when someone is grieving.
Matthew
Now, I am more than comfortable in reaching
out to someone who is feeling devastating pain.
Losing my son also makes me know how fragile life is
and makes me hold on tighter to my daughters than
ever before.
I hope that my loss brings me to be the best mom I
can possibly be to my girls.
Krista Anderson
Mother of Matthew
Stillwater, MN
Although the world is full of
suffering, it is full also of the
overcoming of it.
Helen Keller
Enlightenment
When we lost our daughter Alyssa on
January 26th, 2009, our world was shattered,
but just that she existed has touched us
greatly in a positive way as well.
Alyssa
After she was born still, we found out that my
husband and I have a rare genetic blood clotting
disorder which our children have also tested
positive for.
This information has potentially saved my
[live] daughter’s life, and has given a reason for
the mysterious pregnancy losses in my
husband’s family.
I have become an activist in memory of my
dear Alyssa. Her death gave me the courage to
stand up and speak out. I no longer care so
much what other people think.
Her sweet little life has made
an indelible mark on our family
that has blessed us immeasurably.
Brianne Kraus
Gifts of Love and Loss
My whole life since March 3, 2005 has been a
gift from my son Avery. Everything.
Avery
Nothing that has come my way or that I have
endeavored to do since then has been without
meaning, without purpose, without joy -- even
the difficult and painful things.
My heart has never been more full of love -for my family and friends, for other bereaved
parents, for my subsequent child.
All of the things I have earned, achieved and
labored for since Avery was born still in my arms
have been because he gave me the gift of
profound loss. Because only in the deepest grief
do we know the potential for love we hold in
our hearts.
Suzanne Pullen
Mother of Avery Pullen, Stillborn 3/05
Perspective
Never in a million years would I ever believe I
would have a gift from my grief.
Beyond the obvious, the birth of my daughter
Alison and subsequently my son Adam, when I
think about the journeys’ arc, there is a gift, and
that gift for me is perspective.
Solomon
Before I had my children, I never had
reason to think about perspective,
whether I had it, whether it was
situational or what to do about it.
Since losing Solomon, perspective has become
a major foundation of my psyche.
It’s the tool I use to measure stress.
It’s the gift I engage when facing a bumpy
path in the road.
It’s the realization that the death of my child
is my rock bottom, and anything short of that can be
triumphed over.
Perspective helps me weigh the pros and
cons of any situation in my life. It’s a gift I
hope to give my own children.
Amy Abbey
www.PregnancyJourneysAfterLoss.com
mom to Solomon, stillborn 3/8/00 at 19w 6d
Baby Z, miscarried 10/23/00
Alison and Adam, my miracles;
stepmom to Alex Michael
Kindness, Appreciation, Joy, Awe
On May 19th, 2003 my husband Luke and I lost
our first child, Grace, at 31 weeks of pregnancy.
Grace
The days and weeks that followed I just
focused on surviving. I knew in my heart that I
would be happy again, but I just didn’t know
how or when I was going to get there.
I know Grace made me a better person
and a better mother.
Grace has given me so many gifts it’s
hard to name them all: a wonderful
marriage, awareness of the kindness of
others, appreciation for old friends…
…the ability to revel in simple joys, to awe at
beauty, to truly see the important things in life
and the great gift of 3 healthy children, each
specially hand-picked just for us by their big
sister.
Kerry Biondi-Morlan
Des Moines, IA
The only cure for grief
is action.
~George Henry Lewes
Empowerment
One Friday morning in March of 2004 I met for coffee with 3 women
who had also lost daughters from late-term stillbirth. I immediately
connected with each of these ladies, and for the first time I felt hope.
Grace
These remarkable women showed me that I could CHOOSE how the loss
of Grace was going to define me. From that day on I learned I didn’t need
to be a victim of my circumstances. I was empowered.
I joined their efforts in getting Iowa to pass the nation’s first
Stillbirth Registry, and helped lobby for funding.
I contributed to protocol used to collect stillbirth data, and
conducted in-services for labor and delivery nurses on how to
care for families after a loss.
We started a local parent-to-parent network that connects
families who have had past and more recent losses.
We formed a non-profit organization called Healthy Birth Day
and have launched a state-wide Count the Kicks campaign.
Kerry Biondi-Morlan
Mother of Grace
Des Moines, IA
Friendship doubles our joy and divides our
grief.
Swedish proverb
Friendship
Grace’s life is also a story about friendship…
We have rejoiced over healthy babies, cried over miscarriages and
prayed during very scary pregnancy complications.
We celebrate birthdays, honor our daughters, pray for ill parents, get
together for meals and late night wine.
Grace
We call each other for no reason, take
vacations together; and meet at the
coffee shop.
And most of all, I think, we laugh.
These women are my family. Our friendship is effortless, deep and
real.
And even though it was pain that brought us together, we feel we are
the luckiest women in the world.
Our daughters gave us the gift of a very special friendship. And for
that, I will be forever thankful.
Kerry Biondi-Morlan
Samantha
While the loss of my daughter, Samantha, still leaves my heart broken
in two, it has brought lasting friendships into my life that would not have
happened otherwise.
Paige Ricci (ANA Board Member, CBRS Bill advocate)
Happiness
I have learned that life is too short and
too beautiful to spend it being unhappy.
So I have chosen to be happy.
And I love being happy!
D.K.
The most beautiful people we have
known are those who have known
defeat, known suffering, known
struggle, known loss, and have
found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an
understanding of life that fills them
with compassion, gentleness, and a
deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Purpose
Three years after we lost our son I felt a pull to
do something...I just didn't know what.
My mother suggested I help other mothers
who have had a baby die. And immediately the
pull was gone. I found my "something".
Billy
I found a nurse that was willing to help, and
together we have created packets and memory
boxes for families with all the information I wish
I would have had.
I am also starting a support group for
bereaved families.
I truly believe that my babies died so that I
could help others. I believe that everything
happens for a reason, and the reason that I
searched for "why" when I lost our son, I have
found.
Trinity Cook
Helping Others
I still think about Billy and my angel baby every
day. But instead of such deep sadness, I use that
to think of what I can do for other families, so
that they don't feel so alone.
Billy
Trinity Cook
Son Billy stillborn at 20 wks, baby miscarried at 12 weeks in same year
There is a sacredness in tears. They
are not the mark of weakness, but of
power. They speak more eloquently
than ten thousand tongues. They are
messengers of overwhelming
grief...and unspeakable love.
Washington Irving
Grief and Love
After my son, Bryce, was stillborn one week before my due
date, I was beyond paralyzed with the searing pain of grief.
Bryce
I couldn’t imagine how I could ever go on to live a happy life
after having my precious baby die in my womb.
Sometime after my loss, I was given advice by my support
group leader that I really took to heart. She said that in order to
get through my profound grief, I would need to allow myself to
fully go through it.
So that is exactly what I did…
...I allowed myself to feel the pain with all of its intensity. My hope was that this
would allow me to “get through it.”
It absolutely became my mission to grieve and that’s what I did.
After almost two years of grieving all out, I felt like I was able to finally begin to
see some light.
Instead of feeling devastated every time I looked at Bryce’s picture, I found I was
feeling more & more love for my son who had died.
Less pain……more love.
Moving Forward…Together
Just like with a (live) new baby and a parent, I felt more in love
with my baby and more fully bonded to him each passing day.
Death did not end my love for Bryce. It did not stop it from
growing (quite the opposite in fact)!
I then realized that I would forever be connected to Bryce by
the never-ending bond of love that a parent and their child
naturally has. How content this new way of viewing my loss
made me feel.
So I was moving forward, with Bryce…not leaving him
behind…moving forward together. But I was not the same
person (not even close.)
My experience had forever transformed me.
No Excuses
Who was I now then? I am still me to a certain extent, but I have
become a person who no longer uses the excuse, “I’m feeling
uncomfortable……so I’m not going to do it.”
My new motto is, “Its okay to feel uncomfortable…….but do it
anyways!”
Participant of Life
I now support newly bereaved families in their grief journeys
whenever I can, and I support medical staff in this very heartbreaking part
of their job.
I am not afraid of tears or grief anymore (mine or others), I love more
deeply, I hug those I love harder, find beauty in every day things, and I
play more full out.
be.
I am a participant of life now and not the spectator that I once used to
Bryce
I will no longer let ‘feeling uncomfortable’ stop me in
life or stop me from lending a hand to a grieving heart.
What a huge gift from my precious, much loved, baby boy
Bryce!
Lori Martini
Mother to Bryce Neily Martini
stillborn11/30/04 due to Placental Abruption
www.healingfromthestart.com
She was no longer wrestling with the
grief, but could sit down with it as a
lasting companion and make it a sharer
in her thoughts.
George Eliot
Compassion
I have received a lot of gifts since losing
William. I do believe the gift I received that
I cherish most is compassion.
I learned who my friends were and what I
am, what my family is, and what my friends
are truly made of.
William
I am stronger than I ever thought
possible, and so are my family and friends.
My favorite gift is that I found my love of Nature
again. I take more time to look and appreciate the
scenery, to smell the proverbial roses and to enjoy all
that nature has to offer.
Yes, in Nature I see my son. William, to me, is a Hawk; I
see him often and love that I believe he comes to see
me.
I thank all of my fellow bereaved parents and consider
them all gifts of this thing called grief!
Amy Lang
Mother of William
Courage is being afraid,
but going on anyhow.
Dan Rather
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
and never stops at all.
Emily Dickenson
Hope
Even though it has been 7 years since we lost Kaylee, it is still
very hard.
It brings comfort to know that Angel Names Association is here
with their support to guide us through our dark days of grief. It
brings us HOPE for the future.
This is what has proven to make a positive impact in our
lives....to remain strong, always think positive and to never
ever give up hope.
Lisa Dumar
How wonderful it is that nobody
need wait a single moment before
starting to improve the world.
Anne Frank
Repairing the World
Tikkun olam is a Hebrew phrase that means
"repairing the world." That is what I set out to
do.
Solomon
While my son Solomon would never be alive, I
knew I could help others by sharing my story.
Publishing "Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy
After Loss," allowed me to heal and I hope
brings healing to others. It is just one small way
my life can have a positive impact on others.
Amy Schwartz Abbey
Grief can awaken us
to new values and new
and deeper
appreciations.
Grief can cause us to reprioritize things in our lives,
to recognize what's really
important and put it first…
Grief can heighten our gratitude
as we cease taking the gifts life
bestows on us for granted…
Grief can give us the wisdom of
being with death…
Grief can make death the
companion on our left who guides
us and gives us advice…
None of this
growth makes the
loss good and
worthwhile, but it is
the good that comes
out of the bad.
Roger Bertschausen
Life, Love, Joy
Nicholas’ life was a beautiful, glorious gift. I was filled with
such joy while anticipating his arrival, reveling at every
movement, hiccup, and kick.
Nicholas
He was the first little love of my life.
Though his stillbirth brought immeasurable sorrow, it is his
life I choose to celebrate.
His life led me to you, to all who have endured this loss and
give me the gift of your story, your strength, and the joys you
experience along your journey.
The gifts are too numerous to mention – the kindness of
friends, love of family, knowing that so many remember my son
even though his time here
was so short.
The moments when Nicholas’
little brothers are almost hurt, but
by some miracle, they escape
harm – and my feeling that he is
watching over them, keeping
them safe.
I have been blessed with beautiful friendships – meeting so many
who share such a tragic life experience, but one that brought us
together.
Yes, his stillbirth shattered my heart. I am sorrowful that I have to
live my life without my precious son. BUT, I am blessed because
Nicholas lived.
Michelle Mosca
mother of Nicholas, stillborn at 37 weeks
Even the most reticent of us
learns how to be a part
of the forward momentum required
of living things
Some of us will seem as if we can't forget.
We just aren't afraid of remembering.
Others of us will seem "normal."
It's easier for some to think of us that way.
Some of us will raise a call to action
--We see what went wrong and want to
make it right
Some of us will weave words into memorials
--Because our babies were the most beautiful
poems we ever wrote
And some of us will help the world remember
the gift our babies were in our lives
even if they never took a breath
--Because not a single one of us will ever
forget.
Excerpt from “The Secret Club” by Suzanne Pullen
in memory of Avery Pullen 3/3/05
…And because of you, we were born.
A mother, a father.
Our life, born anew.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to the families who shared some of the
blessed gifts from their children.
This presentation was made possible through a
partnership between internationally acclaimed author,
Sherokee Ilse, and Michelle Mosca, Co-founder and
President of Angel Names Association.
The Gifts of Grief ©2010 ANA and Wintergreen Press