Yoshi Maeshiro-
What Is Anger?Anger on its own is just an emotion — not negative, not positive. Anger affects the mind as well as the body. It can range from a mild annoyance to furious rage.
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¿Is anger healthy or unhealthy?Anger in and of itself is not unhealthy. In fact, from a positive perspective, anger can work as a healthy warning system letting us know that something in our life is unbalanced, that we have been mistreated in some way, or that a need has not been met. Anger can also work as a motivator, propelling you to take social action, to make a tough change in your life, or confront a situation that is unhealthy. On the negative side of things, anger can be expressed using hostility, aggression, and violence which can cause harm to you and/or others.
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¿How does anger start?Anger is usually a reaction to a conflict, whether personal, work-related, or some other unforeseen obstacle, such as a lack of communication.
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There are many ways of expressing anger.Generally, we associate the expression of anger as an escalation of feelings that turn into a loss of control that may include yelling, cursing, violence, and aggression. This is not always the case. Anger also can be expressed internally through negative self-talk, feelings of resentment, body aches, or other forms of physical pain. It can be just as unhealthy to stifle anger, to run away from conflict, or to suppress our emotions, as it is to explode and react outwardly
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Some unhealthy expressions of anger include:Sarcasm Bullying Excessive cynicism Low threshold for frustration Throwing or breaking objects Violence When your experience of anger is out of your control, chances are it will be expressed inappropriately.
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Why Anger Management?Unhealthy expressions of anger can negatively affect your personal life, your workplace, and your health.
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Lack of anger management can result in:Isolation, feeling a loss of community, guilt, shame, pain and fear. The quality of your relationships and other interpersonal interactions can plummet due to emotional and physical harm as a result of explosive reactions. Escalating anger, building resentment when you suppress your anger, and avoidance of conflict can be painful and scary.
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Negative consequences of anger:We may not communicate as effectively. We may get into power struggles. We may show disrespect to others. This can lead to more conflict, arguments, increased stress, a loss of productivity at work and even the loss of your job.
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Health issues stemming from excessive anger:Anger is a bodily process as well as a psychological one. Being angry excessively, either in frequency or intensity, can cause health issues such as a weakened immune system, hypertension and/or heart disease.
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What can you learn in anger management?Methods for dealing with anger in a productive manner, all the while strengthening personal relationships, self-esteem, and physical health.
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Why do we express anger this way?Most of these expressions are habits we have learned from childhood, from our family, from the reactions we’ve received throughout our lives to our expectations, needs, and beliefs. Despite common misconceptions, anger is not genetic or inherited. How you handle your anger is your responsibility. You are capable of changing your relationship with your experience of anger.
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Provided below is an extensive list of unhealthy expressions of anger, although it is by no means all-inclusive. Each person responds differently to anger, but we made sure to include some of the more subtle expressions that may not send up flags immediately. Recognize any?Excessive interruption of conversation Sulking when a situation does not meet expectations Instigating arguments Allowing mood to affect others Attempting to make others feel guilty Holding grudges Needing to be correct Rolling eyes or sighing heavily Silent treatment Abuse, both physical and emotional Frequent disregard to others’ feelings Passive aggressiveness Frequent lying Avoiding conflict Punitive or condescending behavior Manipulation of a situation Suppressed anger Frequent black-and-white or all-or-nothing situations Little regard for forgiveness Intimidation Vengeance Blaming others/things for how we feel
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How do we learn to act versus react to an emotion, thought, situation, or behavior?A healthy expression of anger is a skill. The conflict or situation must be analyzed objectively, examining the following: 1) The feelings and experiences of others involved 2) Your own feelings, thoughts, intentions and expectations 3) Your physical vulnerabilities. Physical vulnerabilities may include poor sleep, poor nutrition, hunger, stress, illness, change in hormones (both for men and women), and a lack of physical activity that may be contributing to your role in the conflict or situation. A healthy expression of anger does not place blame on another. Rather, you are able to take ownership of your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. This may mean using “I” phrases, such as, “I feel angry when…” Instead of reacting instinctively to an unwanted situation, you take the time and effort to act, through thoughtful response.
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Thoughtful response:Instead of reacting instinctively to an unwanted situation, you take the time and effort to act, through thoughtful response.
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Tasha reacts to a sink full of dishes. An alternative to slamming and breaking objects could be that Tasha takes time to talk to Greg as soon as she feels uneasy about cleaning up after him.She may begin the conversation by saying, “I feel upset when your dirty dishes are left in the sink.” If Tasha decides to voice her discontent in a calm and collected manner before succumbing to the stress of either the event itself or an outside stressor, then she is allowing open communication and expressing anger in a healthy way. Tasha would need to exhibit insight to both her feelings, thoughts, expectations, intentions, and needs, as well as Greg’s feelings surrounding the situation. Tasha would also need to be respectful toward Greg, not using blaming, hurtful, or disrespectful statements or words.
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Learning to express anger in a healthy form takes some work. It requires:1) The ability to take a pause 2) Create distance between yourself and your thoughts and emotions 3) Increase self-awareness 4) See alternative perspectives.
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Benefits of expressing anger in a healthy form:Let’s say Tasha put the time and effort into approaching and resolving the conflict with Greg. She would be sure to reap the benefits, as she and Greg could better understand each other’s intentions. Tasha’s self-esteem may improve for having the confidence to approach the situation and proactively work to meet her needs. The resolution would build trust and strengthen the relationship.
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How to manage your anger1) Work on reducing the frequency and intensity of your experience of anger 2) Increase your awareness of your experience of anger and its triggers. It is good to remind yourself that the goal is not to eliminate anger—the goal is to manage it.
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Even when heavily practiced and mastered, effective communication and acceptance do not get rid of anger. The two together will certainly reduce how often you feel angry, but you will still feel angry at times. This is totally normal.You’ve heard this a hundred times by now but what makes a difference is the way you experience feeling angry. Anger itself does not necessarily mean a scarred relationship, broken possessions, or burned bridges. It’s how you handle it.
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Anger can work as motivation for change. Think back to any civil rights movement. What feeling helped fuel it? You can bet it was not contentment or complacency.It’s the same with anger in your personal life. When you’re willing to work with the feeling, pausing to act instead of react, an understanding of your anger can help motivate change. When things stack up against you unfairly, it is okay to feel angry. Instead of turning to unhealthy or destructive expressions of anger, you can turn anger into fuel for finding a solution or initiating a change.
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In addition to being a great motivator, anger also serves as a warning system.When we are angry, our entire body shakes. Maybe we have to go on a brisk walk to stop ourselves from shaking. Anger informs our bodies that something is out of balance. It may be something within our bodies, such as hunger or illness for example. It may be informing us that a personal boundary has been violated, sometimes making us take ownership of crossing our own boundaries.
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Exercises:Write out possible solutions to the conflicts you witnessed. Imagine beginning a conversation with one of the parties, placing emphasis on your feelings instead of their actions. Additionally, write down a previous experience where you have reacted to conflict with destructive anger. What were the short-term consequences of your reaction, both positive and negative? For instance, did it feel relieving? Did you feel strong? Scared? Confused? What about the long-term consequences? Did that relief later turn into regret? How did this impact your relationship? How would you resolve the conflict now in a healthier manner? Imagine what the short and long-term consequences could have been if you had resolved the conflict healthily. Continue to keep track of conflicts that arise within you and around you. Begin to write down the time of day when you feel angry, and why you think the anger arose.
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How does self-awareness help in managing anger?Self-awareness will play a huge part in managing anger. The goal is not only to hold yourself accountable for your own actions, but to see to your own needs
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Seeing to and Meeting Your NeedsWhen anger becomes intense, unhealthy, or destructive, chances are it is because some need inside you has not been met. This could be a basic need such as food, money, a roof over your head, stability, or sleep. Or it could be something more complex. Think about a toddler. It’s easy to recognize that a toddler will become cranky if he or she is hungry, sleepy, or the environment is unstable.
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Some basic human needs:Humans have a need for: Acceptance Cooperation Respect Joy Comfort Ease Challenge Exuberance Independence Safety Love Support Connection with others This list could go on and seems infinite, because we are all different, and needs include not just the things we require to survive, but also what we desire to create a meaningful and peaceful life.
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Do needs go away as we grow?Needs do not go away as we grow. In fact, they multiply.
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What happens when our needs are not being met?When needs aren’t being met, we can react in an unhealthy or destructive manner instead of responding in a healthy way. This is especially true if you are in need of food or sleep, as these needs not only can trigger a survival response, but also impact our production of what our brains require to feel good.
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Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs can be helpful in thinking about what we need and how to become more aware, day to day, of who we are:1) Stage 1 - Physiological needs 2) Stage 2 - Safety 3) Stage 3 - Love and belonging 4) Stage 4 - Esteem, self-confidence, respect from our peers 5) Stage 5 - Self-actualization
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How are avoiding a car crash and kicking a malfunctioning copy-machine at work similar?In both, your body is in a kind of survival mode. You react instinctively without responding thoughtfully. While this may prove effective for avoiding a car accident, it is not as effective with social interaction inside the workplace. Not all needs drive us into survival mode, but most unmet needs are surprisingly taxing and can create a chain reaction leading to a moment where we snap. Kicking a copy machine could be a reaction to a need for ease or effectiveness in the moment, which was made dire by an underlying need for food or rest.
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Negative consequences of learning how to manage one's anger include:There are no negative consequences to learning constructive ways to skillfully work with one's anger.
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While this may be the impulse, it's usually not helpful......to try to push our anger away. It tends to come roaring back with even more force the more we try to push it out of our experience.
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What is Anger?Anger is an emotion, no more, no less. While it can be a harmful emotion, it can also be an emotion that keeps us safe.
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When we are angry, it can be very healthy......to put words to our feelings, and describe why we are feeling hurt.
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Anger can negatively affect......our immune system. It does not improve it.
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In our relationships, unless we actively learn new tools, many of us......repeat the same relational dysfunction we learned from our parents. Taking a class in anger can help us learn new, more functional ways of being in conflict with another person.
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It is easy to spot people with emotional intelligence.They are generally warm, friendly, good at empathizing and listening. They appear to value our opinions and feelings. They are team players. Generally, they lead pretty successful lives, maintaining fulfilling relationships and gaining meaning from existence. They seem to navigate bumps in the road, such as loss, stress, and hurt with grace. They are also skilled at giving themselves permission not to be perfect. They know it’s okay to fall apart from time to time. These people were probably raised around others with high emotional intelligence. They are self-aware of their emotions and curious about the emotions of others.
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Anger becomes a problem when......there is a disconnect between yourself and the feelings of others and, crucially, between yourself and your own feelings. The good news is, you are always capable of gaining and growing your self-awareness and, consequently, your emotional intelligence.
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Emotional intelligence has a few main components:1) awareness 2) empathy 3) self-control 4) assertive communication
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Assertive communication starts with...how you communicate with yourself: labeling, in your thoughts, how you are really feeling. For example you may tell yourself, “I am feeling angry and sad.” It then requires self-reflection to understand which thoughts, beliefs, needs, or stressors may be contributing to these feelings. Lastly, it requires you to move out of your interior thoughts and communicate your awareness clearly to others, sharing what you need or how you are planning to go about changing your situation for the better.
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Practice awareness in a non-stressful situation.Try being self-aware while brushing your teeth or washing the dishes. Try to be fully aware of how your body feels, perhaps tight from sitting too long, or maybe your shirt tag is scratching at the nape of your neck. Maybe there is a pleasant, cool breeze coming from the window. How quickly or slowly are you breathing?
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Today, practice awareness in a non-stressful situation. Try being self-aware while brushing your teeth or washing the dishes. Try to be fully aware of how your body feels, perhaps tight from sitting too long, or maybe your shirt tag is scratching at the nape of your neck. Maybe there is a pleasant, cool breeze coming from the window. How quickly or slowly are you breathing? Now gently bring your mind to any thought or emotion you are processing. If you were listening to your body with rapt attention, chances are your thoughts are completely enveloped in the present, with little feeling of being overwhelmed.Repeat this practice throughout the day. You can decide how much time to spend – maybe a minute, maybe ten minutes, maybe longer. Continue to keep track of when you feel angry, why you felt it, and what happened. If the result of the anger wasn’t ideal, list possible ideal solutions. Also, begin thinking about rating your anger. Did some event cause you to feel especially angry? Were you only mildly frustrated? Track these events in your journal.
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While not in a conflict, try to avoid using criticizing or negative judgmental words when thinking about people or events. Think instead of possible unmet needs that may be leading you to critical or negative thoughts about others.Switch perspectives. What’s life like in their shoes? Is the situation different from their perspective?
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Look back to the conflicts you have recorded from earlier exercises. Did you have any criticizing thoughts surrounding these situations?How can you translate these negative thoughts into simple, unmet needs?
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without effectively communicating how we are thinking or feeling with each other......we never know for certain what another’s needs truly are.
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One element of letting go is forgiveness.Forgiveness can’t happen without empathy. When you’re in the midst of conflict with someone and you can see what is happening from that person’s perspective, it becomes easier for you to perceive what is actually happening. Typically when we’re in the midst of a conflict, our need to be “right” gets in the way, and muddies the water, making it harder to know what is actually happening. Empathy allows us to be freed from the judgments that make conflict confusing. We end up gaining control of anger and any criticizing, generalized thoughts about that person.
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While considering mental health, it is important to practice letting go of pain, suffering, and anger.This does not mean that we consciously avoid feeling these things. Letting go means that we consciously attempt to touch into feeling these difficult emotions and acknowledge them as emotions–without making them part of who we are.
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Patricia has just had an intense argument with her sixteen-year-old son, Tuan. Tuan wanted to use the family car to go to the movies, but Patricia needed to use it to get groceries for the upcoming week. Patricia had forgotten Tuan’s requested to use the car earlier in the month. Tuan is still learning how to express anger. He feels extremely frustrated and unimportant. He screams and swears at Patricia before stalking off to his bedroom and slamming the door. Patricia tenses up and wants to scream back. She remains still, however, accepting her own anger. She also accepts Tuan’s anger. She can see how it is frustrating for Tuan to put effort into making plans. She takes a deep breath and brings more awareness to herself and her body. After an hour, she checks in with herself and cultivates forgiveness for Tuan and the harmful things he said.Then, Patricia approaches Tuan. She asks him if now is a good time to speak. Patricia says, “I made you upset because I told you initially you could take the car. Now, I’m saying you cannot. However, I will not allow you to speak to me that way. I also will not allow you to slam doors. I still need to get groceries, and you still have plans for the cinema. How about I drop you off and pick you up?” Here, Patricia acknowledged the mistakes of both herself and Tuan. She also assertively communicated that she will not accept Tuan’s behaviors. Patricia brought Tuan a solution that respects both parties. Finally, Patricia forgave Tuan by feeling empathy for her son. While Tuan said things intended to hurt Patricia, and while those things did hurt her, Patricia knew Tuan was only expressing his anger.
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As important as it is to forgive others, it is important to also forgive yourself. When you have setbacks or when you make mistakes, you may feel overwhelmed by guilt. Guilt and shame are normal. They can have positive effects. However, they can become extreme and be expressed unhealthily, just as with anger.When you experience guilt or shame, you can sit with it. You can sit with all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. Feel it and notice what you feel. Is it a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach? Does it feel like your chest is caving in? Have your ears gone red? Maybe you are trying to resolve it, as if your behavior was a conflict in and of itself. Although conflicts usually require resolutions, feelings like anger and guilt do not need to be resolved. Be aware, honest, and accepting of your guilt. Try to go deeper into it. Maybe you are holding on to something, refusing to let go. This could be an idea of yourself or an idea of what others think of you.
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Before you begin to forgive yourself for the big stuff, try forgiving yourself for the small things.If you forgot to hold the door open on the way out of the grocer, know you are human and are at times too absorbed to be aware of your surroundings. Forgive yourself for that. If you knocked hot coffee down the front of the clerk at the counter, forgive yourself for that as well. Maybe you can even forgive yourself for not being so great at forgiving yourself! Practice forgiving yourself and others for smaller mistakes or setbacks, and soon you will be able to forgive yourself for larger mistakes.
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Remember everyone is different. They have lived different lives, they view things differently, and they communicate differently. Embrace differences as differences. Don’t try to figure out what is better or worse. Listen. Stay focused on their words, posture, and tone of voice. Listen actively. If you feel you don’t understand, ask! Remain open-minded. Accept things, agree to disagree, and receive any criticism as feedback.View the situation from their side of things. How would you feel if you were them? How else could you view this situation? What else could be going on? Be polite. Be accepting, not just of the positive traits of people but of the less desirable traits as well. Accepting does not mean you have to change your boundaries or standards, but rather means you accept that other people are entitled to be who they are. If you feel you may be stepping over another person’s boundaries, then ask. Listen and notice if the other person is showing signs of discomfort or discontentment.
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If you feel the idea of “practicing patience” isn’t concrete enough, sit with yourself and your breath for more than ten minutes. Explore your thoughts and the feelings that come up in your body while sitting, and remain seated.Having sticky, negative thoughts? Practice holding them and not trying to rip them out of your mind. Breathe into them–give them space to just be thoughts, not powerful voices. Exhale them. Your mere breathing is powerful.
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Keep yourself open-minded and empathizing with others.Continue to track your anger and rate it. Communicate assertively, keeping your boundaries maintained.
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What part of managing anger holds you accountable for your own actions and your own needs?
Regardless of where or how you learned your behavior, it is important to realize that it can be changed and that this change is up to you. Self-awareness will play a huge part in managing anger, not just of holding yourself accountable for your own actions, but also of your own needs.
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When your body is in survival mode, which of the following ways are you most likely to act
When needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to react in an unhealthy or destructive manner, instead of responding in a healthy way. This is especially true if you are in need of food or sleep, as these needs not only can trigger a survival response, but also impact our production of what our brains need to feel good.
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How did we acquire the ability to express anger?
How we express anger is a learned response. There are several influences that may impact how we express our anger. We learn from personal experience, from watching others, from the way our family expresses anger, from the media, from cultural and gender stereotypes, from our role models and from so many other sources.
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Conflict, frustration, pain (emotional and physical), disrespect, and unmet needs are inevitable, and so is anger. What is the role of anger management in learning to cope with these problems?
Anger management is about dealing with anger in a healthy, effective way. It is about using anger as a natural warning system, letting us know when something is out of balance, when a personal boundary has been crossed, or when we are hurt, and then using this knowledge to determine an action.
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Before you can use anger as a natural warning system to deal with anger in a healthy, effective way, you must:
Learn to recognize feelings of anger before it becomes too intense or too big, and before you are about to express it in an unhealthy or destructive way. Recognizing bodily symptoms and external triggers can bring awareness to your arising anger.
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What part of managing anger holds you accountable for your own actions and your own needs?
Regardless of where or how you learned your behavior, it is important to realize that it can be changed and that this change is up to you. Self-awareness will play a huge part in managing anger, not just of holding yourself accountable for your own actions, but also of your own needs.
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When needs aren’t being met, there is a tendency to react in an unhealthy or destructive manner, instead of responding in a healthy way. What type of response is triggered when facing unmet needs?
If you are in need of food or sleep, these needs not only can trigger a survival response, but also impact our production of what our brains need to feel good. Not all needs drive us into survival mode, but most unmet needs are surprisingly taxing.
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Recognizing anger triggers creates awareness and gives us the ability to plan ahead. All of the following are anger triggers EXCEPT:
Anger triggers can be thought patterns, emotions, physical discomfort, physical stress, physical or emotional threats, or external events.
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What are mental triggers?
Our thoughts and beliefs such as negative self talk, rigid beliefs, or misunderstandings.
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What are emotional triggers?
Emotional triggers are emotions that seem to lay underneath our anger, or that our anger sometimes masks.
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There are four things to consider when attempting to build self-control around our instincts:
Relaxing our bodies
Being present in the moment
Labeling our emotions and feelings
Taking responsibility for our reactions
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Relaxing our bodies
Strong emotions often trigger powerful reactions in our body. Anger frequently shows up as tension and tightness in the body. As anger escalates and intensifies, the brain can read these physical responses as dangers, as threats. This can spur our fight/flight/freeze response. It also means our brain goes into survival mode, focusing on the physical functions necessary to stay alive and not on problem-solving. Relaxing the body, and releasing some of that tension, allows us to keep our anger from escalating. It also helps us think clearer, as relaxed breathing sends a signal to the brain that you are safe and that your life is not in immediate danger. With this ability to think clearly, you are less likely to impulsively react.
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Being present in the moment
Being present in the moment also helps us build self-control over time. Many times it is our thoughts and beliefs related to the past or the future that cause us distress. We can get caught up in feelings related to a past we cannot change. Likewise, our brains can over-work with worrying thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about a future we cannot predict. This can keep us mentally spinning and can negatively influence how we react to present-day situations. Using practices such as paying attention to the breath help us stay present. One way to think of being in-sync with the present is that we have the ability to appropriately assess the amount of danger that exists in any given moment. Without the trappings of the past or the future influencing your thinking, you are better able to see what is in front of you, and thus better able to control your thoughts and emotions.
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Labeling our emotions and feelings
Labeling our feelings and emotions is another important step to self-control. You have to have awareness of how you are feeling in order to label your emotions. Once you have labeled your emotions, you have taken the first step to reducing their power over you. By labeling your emotions, you create distance between you and them, making them something you feel versus something you are. Notice how it feels to say “I am angry” versus “I feel angry.” You are not your feelings and your feelings do not control you. With practice, you can watch your feelings roll in and then roll out, just like clouds moving across the sky. Sometimes it’s sunny, and sometimes it’s stormy, but your feet are firmly planted on the ground in either case. The action of labeling helps you to take responsibility for your reactions.
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Taking responsibility for our reactions
Once you take responsibility for how you are feeling, you are also proving to yourself that you are in control. Ever notice that the same thing that greatly irritates you doesn’t seem to make a difference to another person? Or maybe the same thing that irritates you on one day doesn’t irritate you on another. It is not that other people who are unaffected by what bothers you do not feel irritations or anger or distress. It just means that they have learned not to allow these feelings to escalate, to take control of them, or to cloud their thinking. They take responsibility for their feelings, take note of what may be behind their emotion, and respond with a thoughtful action. In other words, they use self-control.
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Take a moment and think back to previous exercises where we asked you to get in touch with your experience of anger.
See if you can allow yourself to remember these incidents in great detail. See if you can feel the sensations of anger start to bubble up. Practice walking through the above components of self-control.
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While feeling angry, see what you can do to slow down your breathing and relax your body. Start to focus on the present moment, maybe noticing what you see around you or what you can hear. Label your anger, and take ownership of feeling angry.
Now think back to that incident and see if you can access a different perspective of the situation that made you angry in the first place. Write down the different thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations that came up for you while completing this exercise.
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Continue to think about any unmet needs and how these correlate with anger. Think about relating unmet needs to other emotions. Maybe you are feeling depressed because you lack a sense of connection or partnership.
Can you think of how thinking, I’m sad, is similar to thinking, Sam is stupid. Here’s a hint: They both deal with unmet needs, and they are both criticizing, or judgmental, thoughts. (A less judgmental approach would be to say: I am experiencing sadness, or, Sam feels differently about the situation than I do.)
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Don’t forget to breathe. Breathing is known to calm the mind and put a stopper on bodily reactions to things such as fear and anger. Breathing, and paying attention to your breath can immediately help you calm down in the face of anger.
That’s why we repeat it so often. Try it! Write down how focusing on your breath helps you control your response or reaction to conflict.
