BA 4
Grade: 94
"The Ethnobiologist's Dilemma"-Explanation & Thesis
1. In "The Ethnobiologist's Dilemma," Jared Diamond writes this article for readers of Natural History who have a particular interest in ethnobiology, however the audience is not exclusive to just professional scientists because in the article Diamond discusses in great detail what he did while in New Guinea I'm not sure I follow your reasoning here. But you're right that the audience is readers of
Natural History. These readers either work in a scientific field or are educated laypeople with an interest in topics related to natural history.
. Jared Diamond's purpose was to emphasize the need that the average person must have prior knowledge of a subject in order to learn from an expert Very good. He says that one must have some knowledge of an expert's field and perspective in order to gain knowledge from the expert.
. Diamond wants his audience to realize that before learning from a professional they must gain knowledge over the subject.
Good.
2. In "The Ethnobiologist's Dilemma," Jared Diamond uses analogies, metaphors, and illustration in order for his readers to understand try: in order to persuade his readers that they must have prior knowledge of a subject in order to learn from a professional. Good.
"Politics and the English Language"-Explanation & Thesis
1. George Orwell directed his article toward the audience of people interested in books at the end of World War II, such as established writers, up & coming writers, and the literary community of Great Britain at the time Very nice! It's clear that you looked at where the essay was published. To support your assessment of the audience, you should mention that the essay was published in Horizon.
. Orwell wanted his audience to realize the relationship between bad writing and bad politics.
George Orwell made his readers aware of how authors at the time were using their writing to twist the truth of what was really happening Were authors doing this, or politicians? You're right that he says politicians do this, but he says non-political writers may use language poorly out of habit, carelessness, or imitation (not to deliberately deceive, as with politicians).
. Authors consistently turned the truth in their writing at the end of World War II because patriotism was widely popular in the allied countries and George Orwell strongly disliked how authors did this.
2. George Orwell uses the rhetorical choices formal language, rhetorical questioning, and complex diction in his article, "Politics and the English
Language," to show his audience the relationship between bad writing and bad politics so the readers realize how authors politicians?
of the time period used their writing to twist the truth. But what does he want to persuade his audience to do?
Doesn't he want them to improve their own writing, as well as to be aware of the

problems with how language is used in political contexts?
"A Homemade Education"-Explanation & Thesis
1. The audience of "A Homemade Education," was minorities, particularly African
Americans but also anyone not white.
Good, but when? And do you think he has a secondary audience in mind too, given his concern for civil rights?
Malcolm X believed history had been "whitened" throughout the years and people who had not been properly educated actually thought history was accurate. X wrote this article because he wanted his audience to reclaim their lost history for themselves. I believe Malcolm X also wrote this article for white people involved in education, politics, or the civil rights movement so they could help to "unbleach" history and portray the truth by taking history out of the European bias. Ok, very good!
2. Malcolm X uses statistics, hyperbole, and euphemism in his article, "A
Homemade Education," to unbleach history and encourage non-white minorities to reclaim lost history for themselves.
Good. I'm not sure where you're headed with
"euphemism," but you seem to be on the right track! Don't forget to include a Works
Cited list with each assignment. No matter which of the three essays you choose to analyze, it seems that you'll write a strong rhetorical analysis. I look forward to reading it!
Grade: 90
X’s intended audience for his piece was that of young minorities alive during the civil rights movement. This is good, but you should also consider that X's message might reach students and non-minorities living in an intolerant society. Your concision is great; keep this up.
X wrote this essay to show how his determination in educating himself allowed him to become a crucial component "Component" has some connotations you might want to avoid; "voice" would be less abstract and more accurate.
in the civil rights Unnecessary or Missing Capitalization movement. X also explains in his essay how he was able to better understand the ways in which the white people of his time displayed ignorance towards the non-white people through the accumulation of knowledge. This ties into the theme of ignorance being the enemy. Your reading is accurate, but stylistically, your rendering of purpose is a bit scattered. At the heart of your message lies X's rhetorical purpose: to demonstrate to his audience that education enables them to understand and better respond to intolerance and oppression. Find your core purpose, and then try to get that across to the reader without adding on too many additional sentences; tacking on sentences in place of actual cohesion will give off the impression that you are writing as you go along, which will effectively undermine your authority as a writer.

Malcolm X’s “A Homemade Education” employs personal anecdotes, colloquial diction, and careful sentence structure to teach the young minorities of the civil rights movement the significance of an education in order to evade the burden of ignorance. This is a well-honed thesis; however, be careful with language like "careful sentence structure" because the term "careful" can be interpreted in many different ways. You're going to need to either elaborate on what you mean by "careful" or find a more specific modifier.
Diamond, “The Ethnobiologist’s Dilemma”
Jared Diamond’s purpose behind his article
You could pare away "behind his article" and still say the same thing; however, consider stating the title in the thesis.
is to show the many problems that confront ethnobiologists in their field of study. He also highlights how these problems parallel challenges faced in everyday life. Another point Diamond makes in his paper is that sometimes individuals need to educate themselves prior to asking a superior for assistance. This is more accurate to
Diamond's rhetorical purpose than what you wrote in the first sentence. When dealing with rhetorical analyses, you want to examine the ways in which the author argues for a point of view or a version of reality; ultimately, their devices and usage of language will be part of a larger strategy to persuade the audience of that idea or reality. This is not as neutral as "informing" or "showing": it is showing to persuade.
Diamond’s intended audience is comprised "composed of"; you could alternately write "comprises," but not
"comprised of." of those who work in the field of ethnobiology and those who are also interested in sciences as a whole. Good work on audience.
In “The Ethnobiologist’s Dilemma”,
Place commas within the quotation, after
Dilemma.
Jared Diamond uses evidence from sources and personal anecdotes to persuade those interested in the field of ethnobiology and sciences as a whole to stress the importance of putting forth the required effort needed to comprehend what you’re studying before consulting an expert.
This is good but far too wordy; also, you only included two devices. To simplify your prose, you might try writing
"persuades the audience of the need to..." You definitely want to define audience in your introduction and thesis section, but don't tack on too many unnecessary verbs and modifiers along the way.
Orwell, “Politics and the English Language”
Orwell’s piece appeals to modern language writers who have a general interest in political rhetoric. Very accurate; you should specific language as being English, however, and should also consider including students and members of liberal, western societies.
The purpose behind Orwell’s piece is to highlight the degradation of the
English language. He explains that the quality of the English language is lowering with time due to the decreasing ideals with which the language is maintained.
Orwell also incorporates the theme of how political writing has suffered due to the decay of the English language. He argues that political speeches are meant to stir emotions, Comma Splices but do not sufficiently explain the spe aker’s point.

You're hitting the right points but need to combine them in a cohesive manner; Orwell describes a very causal relationship between the usage of abstract language and how political bodies use that abstraction to their advantage. Stylistically, though, your sentences in this section were very clear; keep that up.
George Orwell uses direct quotes, formal diction, and political jargon in his essay
“Politics and the English Language” in order to explain to modern language writers the ways in which the English language has decayed and how it has affected political rhetoric.
This is what you want to shoot for. Great job on this one, though you may need to expand upon Orwell's stance on politics; Orwell is not so much bemoaning the decay of political language as he is criticizing political appropriation of language for destructive, despotic purposes. Well done on this assignment, though.
Grade 80
In “The Ethnobiologist’s Dilemma,” the author Jared Diamond uses past experiences to reference his point. Because of his professional background and his approach, the reader can specify that his target with this article is any college student.
You are right that the article is aimed for a scholarly audience, but the audience is not every student. Look at where the essay was published. Would would read that journal?
Diamond tries to emphasize that the more you are educated, the more knowledgeable you become. His belief is that people develop unique communication systems due to their environments and backgrounds. When talking to someone who is more educated on a topic than yourself, you often become frustrated with feeling inadequate. You are right that this is one of
Diamond's points, but this is not his purpose. He not only describes the feeling of inadequacy a novice has when they talk with an expert, but he also offers a solution.
What does he say the novice should do when seeking information from an expert?
Diamond addresses his relation to this and provides gaining knowledge as the solution.
In the article “The Ethnobiologist’s Dilemma” by Jared Diamond, the author effectively explains to the reader how education results in more knowledge Again, the purpose is not correct here (see my comments above).
by the use of clear, direct sentences, first person point of view, and a humorous tone. Good rhetorical choices!
Politics and the English Language
The essay “Politics and the English Language” was written by George Orwell. In the essay, George use his last name, not his first.
addresses anyone who speaks or writes in the English language. The audience is not quite this wide. For example, although junior high students speak and write in English, they are not part of the audience. How could you narrow the audience?
He explains how Modern English has

developed bad habits and miscommunication. His purpose is to show how corrupted the English language has become and hopes to inspire the reader to fix their own wretched habits in their use of the language. You are almost getting to the purpose here. Yes, Orwell tries to persuade the audience to correct the current corruption of the English language, but why does he think this is so important? (Hint: the essay is titled "Politics and the English language." What does it have to do with politics?)
He provides examples to the reader of how ineffective and vague the language has become and lists his own solutions of how this can be prevented.
In “Politics and the English Language” by George Orwell, the author indicates how mistreated the English language has become by providing contemporary analogies, the purpose needs to be revised (see comments above) having understandable word choice What do you mean by "understandable word choice"? , and an argumentative tone.
A Homemade Education
The essay “A Homemade Education” is an autobiography written by Malcolm X.
The purpose of the essay was to descriptively tell how he gained his education by becoming his own teacher. Malcolm’s addresses the black youth, the white race, and any lower class as his audience. He wrote to them in hopes to inspire and inform the reader of how important it is to gain an education and use it to motivate and help others, specifically African Americans. Good job!
In the essay “A Homemade Education,” Malcolm X effectively informs the reader on how he gained his education by writing While you identified the correct purpose in your first paragraph, your thesis statement has an incomplete purpose.
in first person, using repetition, and providing personal accounts. Good rhetorical choices.
Overall, this is a good start on your assignment. Most of your rhetorical choices are clear and narrow. Also, you did a very good job identifying the audience and the purpose of
Malcolm X's essay. However, you need to revise the audience and purpose of Orwell and
Diamond further (see my comments above).
Grade: 70
Jared Diamond’s article, “The Ethnologist Dilemma,” focuses on the issue of learning from an expert from a different culture Think a bit more broadly about the subject of the essay. Not all of the examples he gives have to do with communication between different cultures. The common thread is communication between experts and those who are not experts, whether or not their cultures differ.
. It’s an issue because two people can understand a subject in different ways, and this is what Diamond tried to portray towards men and women interested in science or with a college

degree Your conception of the audience needs to be based in an understanding of where the article was published. The readers of Natural History either work in scientific fields or are educated laypeople with an interest in topics related to natural history. These people are his audience.
. Diamond finalizes that knowledge does not come freely, and if one wants to learn from an expert one must self-educate himself or herself.
Good.
You're much closer to identifying his purpose here.
Jared Diamond focuses on illustrating how humans need to self educate themselves to understand a portion of different areas of expertise, This is a comma splice (two separate sentences glued together by a comma).
he does so by providing theme and allusions to his text.
Your thesis is problematic because theme is not a rhetorical strategy, and Diamond doesn't use allusions. Check the definition of allusion.
It's an indirect reference. Diamond's references are direct.
Part II
In George Orwell You need a possessive here: In George Orwell's text...
text “Politics and the English language,” he breaks down different methods of correct and incorrect diction. Orwell illustrates writes, not illustrates directly to men and women who are writers or political writers Why political writers? Look at where and when the essay was published. Horizon was not a political magazine.
. What he expresses thoroughly is that as human beings we tend to be foolish so our language is the outcome of our foolish thoughts Is this really exactly what he means? What is he trying to persuade his audience to do? And how is politics relevant to his point?
. Orwell believes the English language is decanting wrong word...deteriorating?
; that we will only be left with incorrect grammar.
Incorrect grammar is not his concern; he's concerned with writing style.
George Orwell breaks down the different elements of proper diction by transitioning from Ecclesiastes into modern English What rhetorical strategies will you address? You've mentioned his use of a Biblical passage, but it's not clear that your paper will be a rhetorical analysis.
, and illustrates that humans will decadent wrong word...decadent is an adjective; you need a verb the English language if we keep using it foolishly.
Part III
Malcolm X, “A Homemade Education” tries to persuade their
Who is "their"?
Malcolm X is one person.
audience In "A Homemade Education," Malcolm X tries to persuade his audience...
on how furthering their education is very important, mostly because the audience becomes aware of what is occurring in their surroundings Be a bit more specific. What is occurring? The need for civil rights?
. The text would be "Would be" implies that this would only be the case under certain circumstances. Don't you just mean: The text is intended for...
intended for African

Americans, who have some education, know how to read and write, but they don’t have a full education
Good. You're right about the audience. But given his concern for civil rights, do you think he has a secondary audience in mind as well?
. Also the reason they would buy Malcolm X’s text is because they believe in his decisions and ideas Do you mean that the audience already agrees with him? Then why would he need to persuade them?
, so it could also intend to people of political value.
I'm not sure what you mean by "people of political value."
Malcolm X, “A Homemade Education,”
You need to practice a grammatically-correct sentence opening: In "A Homemade Education," Malcolm X provides...
provides tone shift, emotional diction and historical references to help with his purpose, which is to persuade his audience to further their education.
and to promote civil rights? This is a good start for your thesis, if you end up writing your paper on this essay. Overall, no matter which of the essays you choose for your rhetorical analysis, you need to keep working a bit on identifying purpose and audience (think about where the essay was published...this will help a lot). Also, you need to make sure you've chosen two or three persuasive strategies that are present in the text. I recommend that you visit with your instructor to make sure you're on the right track before you proceed. Also, you haven't included a Works Cited list here.
Grade 60
In “The Ethnobiologist dilemma Unnecessary or Missing Capitalization ”, Jared
Diamond seems to have a double audience. In the body of the essay he addresses future ethno biologist, but in the introduction and conclusion he addresses the general public Your characterization of the audience is both too narrow and too broad. Look at where the essay was published. The readers of Natural History magazine are people who work in the sciences and educated laypeople with an interest in topics pertaining to natural history. He is addressing both of these audiences throughout the essay. I don't see you following the assignment directions here. You were supposed to write a paragraph about the audience and purpose of the essay and then present your thesis with the list of rhetorical strategies. Instead, you seem to be discussing the audience and then moving right into the list of strategies. What is the essay's purpose?
. He uses references and nomenclature in his diction Do you intend to name a rhetorical strategy here? I'm not sure what strategy "references and nomenclature in his diction" refers to. Keep working on labeling the strategy more precisely.
to describe the “dilemma” for future ethnobiologist.
What is the dilemma?
He uses the metaphor of the mechanic to describe to the general public how this same problem can be applicable in everyday life Yes, he does use metaphor, but since the example of the mechanic is literal (the mechanic really exists), you might be better off treating this strategy as "anecdote." . To be knowledgeable in the certain

topic you are discussing, whether it be with natives or professionals.
Sentence
Fragment I think you intend your last sentence to convey the essay's purpose, but it doesn't fully describe what Diamond is trying to persuade his audience to do. Keep working on audience and purpose for this essay, and make sure you can identify two or three clear rhetorical strategies.
Amy Tan expresses the difficulties of “broken English” in her essay “Mother
Tongue”.
Do you intend this sentence to convey her purpose?
She uses quotes from her mother to describe this broken English, even though she fully understands it.
It What?
could be influential for immigrants with this problem with English, but it also brings to light the racism and discrimination simply does to thi s “fractured speech for people who may not even be aware of its presents Spelling (including homonyms)Faulty Sentence Structure .
Your characterization of the audience is a bit confusing. It sounds like you're saying that immigrants are part of her audience, which may be the case, but are other types of people part of her audience as well?
Throughout the essay Tan gives examples of how her mother’s English has affected ever since she was young and had to represent her mother whether it is in person or over the phone Faulty Sentence Structure .
I don't see a clear thesis in this paragraph.
You mention quotes from her mother and examples, but it's not clear whether you intend these as rhetorical strategies. Also, you haven't clearly identified the persuasive purpose of the essay.
In “Politics in the English Language” Gorge Orwell addresses writers and gives them errors to avoid, even though he himself makes these mistakes in this very essay Does he really? I know he says he does, but is he being facetious?
and even acknowledges it. On the same hand he approaches how politicians and how they have become indirect and vague in their speeches and responses Faulty
Sentence Structure . Orwell uses a lot of sarcasm in this essay to validate his point, such as in pointing out that he used the exact things he was telling not to do. He also used quotes from poetical speeches to consolidate his argument Are writers his only audience? To identify the audience for this essay fully, you need to look at where and when the essay was published. What kind of person read Horizon? Also, your characterization of purpose is a bit vague, although it's true that he wants writers to improve their writing and that he wants people to be aware of the deceptive nature of political speech/writing. I don't see a specific sentence intended as your thesis here, although you do mention some rhetorical strategies. On the whole, this assignment would have been more effective if you had followed directions more closely by writing paragraph about purpose and audience and THEN presenting a thesis statement. No matter which of the three essays you choose to analyze for your paper, I recommend that you visit with your instructor to make sure you're on the right track.
.

Grade: 50
This is very unlikely, since the essay was published in England in 1946. You must understand when and where the essay was published, and what kind of magazine it was published in, in order to accurately identify the audience.
It's true that this is a large part of his purpose. But he also says that some people write poorly out of habit, carelessness, or imitation (not deliberately). What does he want his readers to do about this?
It's true that he wants his readers to be aware of the deceptive language often used by politicians, and also that he wants them to improve their own writing.
Thesis Statement:
In “Politics and the English Language”, George Orwell argues that the bad use of the English language in politics had led to the failure of this country. Refer to the assignment directions. Your paper is going to be a rhetorical analysis, so you need to list rhetorical strategies in your thesis. Also, you did a better job of identifying the purpose in your paragraph above. Remember that the purpose is what the writer wants to persuade the audience to do.
In “The Ethnobiologist’s Dilemma”, Jared Diamond’s intended audience is young scientists or ethnobiologists like him, as well as anyone trying to learn more about a certain culture For an accurate understanding of the audience, you need to look at where the essay was published. The readers of Natural History magazine either work in scientific fields or are educated laypeople (non-scientists) with an interest in topics related to natural history. Culture is only one aspect of Diamond's argument.
. The purpose of this essay is to explain and point out the mistakes made by him and other ethnobiologists in New Guinea.
This is too narrow. Think about why Diamond includes the example about his mechanic. He and his mechanic share the same culture but still have difficulty communicating, because the mechanic is an expert and Diamond is not. Diamond also tries to give readers some insight on how one should approach people from different cultures when trying to learn more about them.
Diamond wants the reader to put more effort when trying to learn about different cultures and foreign environments. You're placing too much emphasis on the cultural aspect of Diamond's essay. He gives other examples of communication difficulties between people who share the same culture. The common thread is the difficulty of

communication between experts and those who know less than the experts. To gain knowledge from an expert, he says that we need to have knowledge of the expert's field and perspective (whether or not this perspective is influenced by culture).
Thesis Statement:
Diamond argues that knowledge about a foreign environment and a new culture must be gained by being respectful and spending the necessary time with its people, as well as to use methods that are known to the environment as well as the people.
Here again, you have not listed any rhetorical strategies, and your description of the essay's purpose is not accurate.
In “A Homemade Education”, Malcolm X’s intended audience is minority groups, especially African Americans Good. Do you think he has a secondary audience in mind as well, given his concern for civil rights?
. The purpose of this essay is to inspire and encourage young American blacks to get educated in order to be able to properly communicate with others Doesn't he also want his audience to work for civil rights?
. Malcolm X also wants the reader to learn more about how the history of
American blacks has not been written properly in history books and wants the reader to learn more about it. Good. Of the three essays, this is your most accurate statement of audience and purpose.
Thesis Statement:
In “A Homemade Education” Malcolm X tells the reader of how he achieved his education while being in prison, therefore turning a negative situation into an opportunity to better himself Is the essay just informative, then? What is the essay's purpose (what does he want his audience to DO)?
. This education not only helped him communicate better, but also opened his eyes to the oppression of African-
Americans, which led him to fight for civil rights. You're describing the essay as if it's just informative, rather than persuasive. Rhetoric is the art of persuasion, so you need to focus on what he wants to persuade his audience to do. None of your thesis statements indicate awareness that your paper is intended to be a rhetorical analysis and that you thus need to list rhetorical strategies. Review the assignment guidelines and visit with your instructor to make sure you're on the right track before the next assignment. Also, you haven't included a Works Cited list here.