Grades 9-10
Prompt for Essays 1-3: Read the poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter." Then write an essay in which
you describe how the poet uses figurative language throughout to develop the story. What is the
purpose of this technique? To support your analysis, include details and descriptions from the poem as
well as actions and words of the characters.
Essay 1:
In the poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter", Lewis Carroll gives hints to make the reader
figure out what happens. This is called forshadowing. He also uses lots of similies and personification to
give an interesting outline of the setting. An example of personification is in the second stanza, "The
moon was shining sulkily." A similie that was used is "The sea was wet as wet could be, the sands were
dry as dry." He uses silliness, too, like “seven maids with seven mops” and saying that the oysters word
clean and neat shoes even thought they didn’t have any feet. Then the ending is a surprise because the
oysters all get eaten.
Score:
Development
of Ideas
2
Organization
Style
Word Choice
2
2
2
Sentence
Structure
2
Conventions
2
Essay 2:
In the poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter.", Lewis Carroll gives hints to make the reader
predict the outcome. In the beginning, Carroll uses lots of similies and personification to give an
interesting outline of the setting. An example of personification is in the second stanza, as Carroll writes
"The moon was shining sulkily" and a similie that was used is "The sea was wet as wet could be, the
sands were dry as dry." Then the author introduces the walrus and the carpenter and these two makes
the reader have to figure why they would be together in the first place. The two characters are in a bad
mood to match how the author describes the setting as very depressing. When they say "Such quantities
of sand:", it seems like they have been walking on the beach forever, making it seem like the world is
just sand and an ocean.Then they invite oysters to come with them. The eldest "did not choose to leave
the oyster-bed." But the younger oysters go along happily. The author describes the oysters as "Their
Grades 9-10
shoes were clean and neat, and this was odd, because, you know, they hadn't any feet." This description
goes along with the rest of the story, showing the oddity of this poem. The oysters seem to have no clue
what is going to happen because not much detail is given other than the walrus saying that it is going to
be "a pleasant walk, a pleasant talk." Why would it be a pleasant talk and walk if the two characters
were so depressed? It is also odd that the only oyster that didn't come was the elder, which seemed to
be wise. "'A loaf of bread,' the walrus said, 'Is what we chiefly need: Pepper and vinegar besides are very
good indeed--'." After the Walrus says that, he continues on by saying "Now if you're read, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed." It definitely makes you realize that the walrus and carpenter are planning on
eating the oysters, but the oysters only think that. Overall, it is a weird poem with no real point to it.
Score:
Development
of Ideas
3
Organization
Style
Word Choice
3
3
3
Sentence
Structure
3
Conventions
3
Essay 3:
The poem “The Walrus and the Carpenter” created by Lewis Carroll, is a silly little story about
the two characters mentioned in the title and a group oysters on the beach. Lewis Carroll, a famous poet
that wrote many extraordinary pieces like the Alice in Wonderland, used a different style to describe this
story. He uses a lot of figurative language to compare things with something that is very different. There
are many parts that foreshadow what might happen next, but most of the story is just to provide a little
bit of fun with its absurd talk.
As mentioned before, Carroll’s use of figurative language really spices up the text, making it
more interesting, and at the same time providing a precise image of whatever is being described.
In the beginning, Carroll uses lots of similes and personification to give a clear and at the same time
imaginative outline of the setting. An example of personification is in the second stanza, as Carroll writes
"The moon was shining sulkily," Which shows that it may have been a dull, lifeless night. A simile that
was used is "The sea was wet as wet could be, the sands were dry as dry." Both of these examples
provide a different way of imagining the background.
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Grades 9-10
The author then introduces the two characters mentioned in the title, the Walrus and the Carpenter.
These two characters, having seemingly nothing in common, cultivate the reader's brain to figure why
they would be together in the first place. The two characters, when introduced, are in a dismal mood,
which makes sense considering that the whole picture of the setting given by the author is very
depressing. The first inspection of these characters might inspire you to wonder of their innocence, but
you will see how guilty they are near the end of the poem.
As the Walrus and Carpenter walk on, they say "Such quantities of sand," which develops the
characters personalities. It makes one think that they have been walking on the beach forever, seeming
like the world is just sand and an ocean or that they provide huge exaggeration, which might affect the
plot later on in the story. As they continue, still in their dismal mood, they invite oysters to come with
them, to “spend time”. The eldest and probably most wise oyster doesn't reply, but with a shake of his
head, he "did not choose to leave the oyster-bed." His actions might make it obvious to some that the
oyster believed the Walrus and Carpenter were not trustworthy and might cause trouble. Nevertheless,
the younger oysters that are still oblivious to much of the world’s cycle of life, come along happily with
the two shady characters. The author describes the oysters with many differences than real life, such as
"Their shoes were clean and neat-- And this was odd, because, you know, they hadn't any feet." This
description goes along with the rest of the story, giving an insight to the oddity of this world described in
the poem.
As they continue, the oysters seem to have no clue what is going to happen. The readers also
might not understand because the meeting between the two characters and the oysters is abrupt and
not much detail is provided in a forewarning, other than the Walrus mentioning that it is going to be "a
pleasant walk, a pleasant talk." This might provide a hint to some, because it is odd that it would be a
pleasant walk if the two characters had been acting like such nuisances in the beginning.
The characters stop for a rest and wish for something to eat. ”A loaf of bread,” the Walrus said,
”Is what we chiefly need: Pepper and vinegar besides are very good indeed—“ Now, one might think
that there is nothing wrong with what they are saying, but the last part makes no sense. Why would
they need to eat pepper or vinegar with bread? They are usually used for baking or added as spice, but
bread does not work like that. It kind messes with one’s mind, asking several questions.
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Grades 9-10
The Walrus continues, saying, "Now if you're ready, oysters dear, we can begin to feed." At this point,
the reader can have no idea what is happening or what is about to happen leaving many confused
thoughts in the process. Realizing that the Walrus and Carpenter are planning on eating the oysters is
important, but could be hard to notice at first. I myself had to reread it many times to get the full
meaning. The oysters seem not as bright to the full meaning, as they merely say “But not on us” and lull
around. At the end, the author finally reveals that the Walrus and the Carpenter do eat the oysters, but
he makes it seem very dramatic, more than a usually fictional story might have. The Walrus seems to
have some sort of bipolar disease, considering that he weeps and says such stuff like “It seems a
shame,” the Walrus said, “to play them such a trick.” but continues to gobble down the oysters that he
can get into his hands. The Walrus also says “I weep for you,” the Walrus said: "I deeply sympathize."
Although the Walrus says these things, he doesn't really mean it, because he sorts out the largest sized
oysters, probably for himself. At the end, the phrase "But answer came there none-- And this was
scarcely odd, because they’d eaten every one," provides verbal irony as the Carpenter says, "Shall we be
trotting home again?" although he knows that there aren't any oysters left.
Throughout the entire poem, there is much absurd talk and actions, with really confusing
exchanges of figurative language. Although it may slow down the reader from fully understanding
what’s happening, it really is more of a silly, inspirational piece that can have many effects on people.
The way Carroll, draws the reader in through the poem to this spectacular finish, is very different than
most poems. His technique of using absurd but also descriptive language compels the reader to want to
know more, and makes the reader question what is going on. From sulking moons to personality
changing walruses, this poem goes through all ends of the language spectrum.
Score:
Development
of Ideas
5
Organization
Style
Word Choice
4
5
4
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Sentence
Structure
5
Conventions
5
Grades 9-10
Prompt for Essays 4-6: What are your career aspirations? What inspired you to follow this particular
career path? Write an essay in which you answer these questions, while informing your audience of how
your career will enable you to contribute to the world at large.
Essay 4:
I’d like to be a dietitian and nutritional consultant.
I got interested in nutrition in middle school. I learned about people's relationship with food in
my health class. Each week, we looked at a different kind of relationship – food and history, food and
eating disorders, food and disease, and food and weather, etc. That class made me learn about food
issues and food topics. I knew that no matter what else I did, I would get a degree in nutrition.
I want to get my Masters degree in Nutrition. This would help me get more clients and be more
successful and would give me a great understanding of the childhood obesity problem, the how obesity
and various health problems relate, and the research done on the topic.
I have had some experience in working in nutrition, so I know what to expect. With this goal I can make
a difference.
Score:
Development
of Ideas
1
Organization
Style
Word Choice
1
1
1
Sentence
Structure
2
Conventions
2
Essay 5:
Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I’ve had the opportunity to volunteer with many
organizations and events that have opened my eyes to the number of kids in this world who are not as
forunate as I am. One area where that is particularly true is children’s health. Hundreds of thousands of
©2014 Measurement Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
Grades 9-10
children in the United States are battling obesity and obesity-related health conditions. I aspire to work
as a dietitian and nutritional consultant in a program focused on combating childhood obesity through
diet and exercise.
The effects of poor nutrition can be seen in populations across the country. For example, the Food
Research and Action Center released findings in 2011 that highlighted Winston-Salem, NC as the city in
the United States with the highest rate of childfood insecurity, with 34.8% of households with children in
the metropolitan area experiencing food hardship (FRAC, 2014). These research findings prompted the
organization of a community forum by the Translational Science Institute’s Program in Community
Engagement and Implementation at Wake Forest Baptist Health.
I became interested in nutrition in middle school - health class to be exact. It was here where we
learned about human beings’ relationship with food. Each week, we examined a different type of
relationship that people have with food – food and history, food and eating disorders, food and disease
and food and weather, etc. This class opened my eyes to a number of food issues and topics. Whatever
the path I choose, whatever specific topics I decide to focus on, my fate in nutrition was seeled.
Eventually, I would like to get a Masters degree in Nutrition. An advanced knowledge of
nutrition would not only enhance my dietetics practice, more importantly to me, it would serve to give
me a great understanding of the childhood obesity epdemic, the relationship between obesity and
various health problems and current research done on the topic. In addition, the background provided
in earning this graduate degree is expected to put me in a position within the public health arena that
would give me levereage to really make a difference in a community, large or small.
Score:
Development
of Ideas
3
Organization
Style
Word Choice
3
3
3
©2014 Measurement Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
Sentence
Structure
3
Conventions
3
Grades 9-10
Essay 6:
My career aspiration is to become a nutritionist and work with younger populations to reverse
and prevent the spread of childhood obesity and other related health issues.
I discovered this passion at a young age. As a small child, the perfect breakfast was a few pieces
of warm fudge carefully smuggled from my grandmother’s kitchen. My mother was never thrilled with
this, so she made a concerted effort to provide a well-rounded nutritious diet that included more than
smuggled fudge.
Other fond memories of my youth aren’t so food-focused but still contributed to my career
goals as I’ve grown. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I volunteered with many organizations
and events that opened my eyes to the number of children in this world who are not as fortunate as I
am. One area where that is particularly true is children’s health. In 2012, 18% of children in the United
States who were 6-11 years old were overweight or obese.1 In fact, compared to thirty years ago, more
than twice as many children and four times as many adolescents are obese.2 In addition to suffering
from the social and psychological problems that accompany obesity, children and adolescents who are
obese are at increased risk for many health problems, including high blood pressure, high cholesterol,
pre-diabetes, bone and joint problems, and sleep apnea. In adulthood, the problems only grow to
include many forms of cancer, osteoarthritis, diabetes, stroke, and heart disease.3 Preventing obesity in
children can go a long way in making sure they enjoy healthy adult lives. I aspire to work as a dietitian
and nutritional consultant in a program focused on combating childhood obesity through diet and
exercise.
My interest in nutrition was also fostered in middle school. In my health class, we learned about
humans’ relationship with food. Each week, we examined a different type of relationship – food and
©2014 Measurement Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
Grades 9-10
history, food and eating disorders, food and disease, food and weather, etc. This course opened my eyes
to a number of food issues and topics, instilling a passion in me that eventually led to my decision to
pursue a degree in nutrition.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had more opportunity to engage in community efforts revolving around
food and community health, particularly at Wake Forest Baptist Health. In 2011, the Food Research and
Action Center released their “Food Hardship in America” report, stating that 18 percent of households in
the Unites States did not have enough money to provide needed food. The findings highlighted
Winston-Salem, N.C. as the city in the United States with the highest rate of child food insecurity.
According to the center’s report, 34.8% of households with children in Winston-Salem fell into this
category.4 These research findings prompted the Translational Science Institute Program in Community
Engagement and Implementation at Wake Forest Baptist Health to organize a community forum on the
issue. I was a member of the organizing committee for this forum and participated in the event itself,
which further solidified my desire to work in an organization focusing on promoting health and solving
community food desert problems.
As a result of my personal experiences, I hope to eventually, earn a Master’s degree in Nutrition.
An advanced degree and nutrition would not only enhance my dietetics practice, but more importantly,
it would give me a greater understanding of the childhood obesity epidemic, the relationship between
obesity and various health problems, and current research on the topic. In addition, the knowledge I
would gain in earning this degree would enable me to really make a difference, large or small, in the
community in which I live and work. I look forward to a career in nutrition and health because I believe I
can make a difference by working with young children and helping them develop habits that will last a
©2014 Measurement Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
Grades 9-10
lifetime. By participating in the movement to decrease the incidence of childhood obesity, I hope to help
reverse some of the dangerous effects of childhood obesity.
Score:
Development
of Ideas
4
Organization
Style
Word Choice
4
4
4
Sentence
Structure
4
Conventions
5
*The Modern Language Association (MLA) style for formatting and citations was used for this essay. See
the following page for End Notes (not included in the drafts submitted for scoring). Since all sources were
listed in the End Notes, a separate Works Cited page was not included.
End Notes
1
Ogden Cynthia L., Margaret D. Carroll, Brian K. Kit, and Katherine M. Flegal. “Prevalence of Childhood
and Adult Obesity in the United States, 2011-2012.” Journal of the American Medical
Association 311.8 ( 2014) :806-14. Web. October 2014.
2
Childhood Obesity Facts.” Overweight and Obesity. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2014.
Web. October 1, 2014.
3
Childhood Obesity Facts.” Overweight and Obesity. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2014.
Web. October 1, 2014.
4
”Hunger and Poverty.” FRAC. Food Research and Action Center, 2011. Web. October 1, 2014.
For more examples of student essays, see the Common Core State Standards Initiative site, which
includes samples of actual student essays for all three writing genres and for all grades. Each essay
includes helpful notes and explanations. The first set of essays is from an on-demand writing
assignment. The second set shows a range of writing, usually with one or more short essays and one or
more longer ones.
©2014 Measurement Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
Grades 9-10
Link: http://achievethecore.org/page/504/common-core-opinion-argumentative-writing
Each of these essays was scored using our PEG scoring engine. These scores are on the following page:
Grades 9-10 On-demand Informative/Explanatory
Essay
Development
of Ideas
Organization
Style
Word Choice
Sentence
Structure
Conventions
Gains of the
Great
Depression
4
4
4
4
4
5
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