A Better Divorce Course
A Florida Department of Children &
Families Approved Parenting Class for
parents seeking a dissolution of marriage
Course Includes
• The course promotes positive discipline.
• How children feel about divorce.
• The stages of loss and grief are presented in
this guide.
• The course addresses legal issues such as
mediation and child support.
This Course is NOT
• It is important to note, that this course is not designed
for counseling purposes.
• Also, this course does not provide legal information.
• Disclaimer
“The components of the parenting course are intended
for educational purposes only. The presentation of this
material is not intended to constitute mental health
therapy, give information on specific mental health
disorders nor medications to treat mental health
disorders. Participants are encouraged to discuss
specific mental health questions with a licensed mental
health therapist of their choice.”
Children’s Rights In A Divorce
• Children have the right to be treated as
individuals
• Children have the right to not be a pawn or
possession.
• Children have the right to love their parents.
• Children have the right not to be charged with
making adult decisions
• Children have the right to be emotionally
supported during the divorce
• Children have the right to be financially
supported by both parents
The Stages of Loss and Grief
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Stage 1-Denial
Stage 2-Anger
Stage 3-Bargaining
Stage 4-Depression
Stage 5-Acceptance
How to Help your Child through the
Stages of Loss and Grief
• 1. Do not argue with the other parent.
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• 2. To the greatest extent possible, keep every other aspect of your
child’s life the same and consistent.
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• 3. Be on time when you come to pick them up from the other
parent’s home.
• 4. Promote a healthy relationship between your child and the other
parent.
• 5. Take care of yourself. If you take care of yourself then you will
model effective habits for your children.
How Divorce Affects Children at different
Developmental Stages
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Infants 0 to 2
Toddlers 2 to 3
Preschoolers 3 to 5
School Age 6 to 10
Teens 11 to 14
Older Teens 15 to 18
Talking to Your Children about the Divorce
• The best way for parents to tell their children
about the divorce is in a quiet familiar home
setting with both parents and all of the
children present.
Divorce Guidelines
• 1. Plan what you are going to say before you say it.
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• 2. Make sure that you are in control of your feelings.
• 3. Make sure that the entire family is present when you
break the news about the divorce.
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• 4. Make it clear right away that this was a decision that
you’ve made.
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• 5. Be aware that different children in the group will have
different needs and will interpret things differently.
Talking to Children After They Know
about the Divorce
• Even if children have found out about the
divorce by overhearing an argument and
seeing a family member leave home, it is
important to have a formal conversation with
them.
Building Relationships
The Genuine Encounter
• The Genuine Encounter is a technique that
parents can use to improve their relationship
with their children. The Genuine Encounter
was created by Dorothy Briggs.
• 5 to 10 minutes
• Child Leads
• Meet Emotional Needs
The PRIDE Play Skills
• The PRIDE Skills are a set of simple guidelines,
presented by US Davis CAARE Center, that will
help you to have positive interactions with
your child and build a positive connection.
These play skills are based on behavioral
therapy and were presented by Dr. Sheila
Eyeberg
The PRIDE Skills
• 5 to 10 minutes each day
• Child leads play session
• Shows your child that you are interested in
what he/she likes
• Help your child to develop key learning skills
• Encourages your child toward self discipline
Promoting Healthy Relationships
• Promote A Healthy Relationship Between Your Child and
the Other Parent
• Remember that your children are not divorcing the other
parent. Therefore, they should not be allowed to have and
further develop a positive relationship with the other
parent.
• Step Parenting
• Parents may have concerns about dating after a divorce.
Wanting to find someone to love after a divorce or
separation is most natural. However, one must be aware of
the emotional risks on children. If you have decided to start
dating again please be cautious in regards to your children.
Why Children Misbehave
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• Children misbehave for a variety of reasons
• Children DO NOT misbehave because they are
“rude” or “just want to be bad”.
Providing Discipline
• Contrary to what people may believe, children
love rules, guidance and discipline. When you
provide discipline for your child you are
sending him that message that you care.
Best Practices
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Family Dinner
Encouraging Positive Behaviors
Offer Praise
Eliminating Constructive Criticism
Role Model appropriate behaviors for your child
Reduce Conflict in your Home
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Provide Consistency
Control Your Resources
Focus on Positive Behaviors
Know the 5 Positive Parenting Rules
The 5 Positive Parenting Rules
• Rule 1: Clearly explain your expectations to
your children.
• Rule 2: Ignore inconsequential behaviors.
• Rule 3: Selectively reinforce appropriate
behaviors.
• Rule 4: Stop then redirect inappropriate
behavior.
• Rule 5: Stay close to your children.
Seek Professional Help
Seek Professional Help
• Sometimes it may be difficult for a parent to provide
discipline for a child. You may find yourself, constantly
punishing or arguing with your child. Maybe your
child’s school is calling you on a regular basis to make
complaints. Sometimes it may be that your child is
outright non-compliant and disrespectful. Parents in
this situation may begin to provide harsh punishments
or give up on discipline altogether. If you are in a
situation where you feel as though you are losing
control, please reach out for professional help. The
earlier you seek help, the more likely the intervention
is to work.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Conflict Resolution
• Here are some ideas you can use when talking to the
other parent:
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• Use “I” statements.
• Avoid words that are obsolete
• Let the other parent know how their actions affected
• Be aware of non-verbal behaviors
• Focus in the current issue.
• Focus on a solution.
• Focus on a win-win solution.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
• What is Domestic Violence?
• Domestic violence, also referred to as intimate
partner violence includes a pattern of
behaviors that is used by one partner to
obtain or retain power over the other partner.
• Domestic violence can be physical abuse,
sexual abuse, or emotional abuse.
Coping with a Divorce and/or Separation
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Learn the Stages of loss and Greif
Who is your Support Team?
Take a Time Out
Read a Good Book
Enjoy a Cup of Tea
Go to a Massage Parlor
Get a Pedicure/Manicure
Have someone else prepare dinner
Take a yoga class
Watch your Favorite Movie
Take on a new Hobby
Make it a learning experience
See a Therapist/Counselor
THE GAMES PARENTS PLAY
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The Mailman
The Secret Agent
The Hostage
The Therapist
The Negotiator
The Best Friend
The Mailman
The Secret Agent
Some indications of Intimate Partner
Violence
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Your partner controls all the resources
in the home such as food, money,
telephones, television etc.
Your partner isolates you from your
family and friends and does not allow
to work
Your partner threats you as though you
are an object during sex
Your partner requests that you seek
permission before agreeing to attend
all and any events
Your partner requires that you have
his/her permission before you have
any over or leave the home
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Your partner has hurt/threatened to
hurt, your kids, family, friends, or
pets
Your partner breaks things and/ or
throws when he/she gets angry
Your partner frequently insults you
in regards to your appearance
Your partner accuses you of looking
at other people or being too flirty
Your partner does things to scare
you such as locking you outside at
night
Your partner constantly corrects
you, puts you down, or criticizes
you.
CHILD ABUSE AND NEGLECT
• Physical Abuse
• Physical abuse is when a child is purposefully injured by another
person.
• Emotional Abuse
• Emotional abuse is when a child’s social and psychological well
being is damaged by the actions of another person.
• Sexual Abuse
• Sexual abuse is defined by any contact between a child and adult
that is sexual..
• Neglect
• Neglect is when a parent or caregiver does not provide food,
shelter, clothing, healthcare education and emotional support for a
child.
What Makes a Good Co-Parent?
• make decisions as a team.
• put aside their differences for the benefit of their child/children.
• do not put their emotional needs above their parental
responsibilities
• respectful toward each other.
• support their child’s relationship with the other parent.
• do not use their children as secret agents or as weapons.
• share information with each other about their child’s life including
activities and education..
• adhere to the parenting plan.
• able to compromise when necessary.
• set rules and discipline procedures for their child as a team.
• let each other know where, and with whom, their child will be at all
times.
Parenting Plan
• A parenting plan is a complete plan that
includes a clear and understandable schedule
of how the child/children will spend time with
each parent. The schedule lists how weekdays,
weekends, holidays, birthdays, vacation and
other special days will be spent. It also
contains who is accountable for school fees
and health insurance. The plan also includes
how each parent will be in touch with their
child/children.
LEGAL ASPECTS ABOUT DIVORCE
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Going to Court
Child Support
Alimony
Parenting coordination
Mediation
Mediation vs. Litigation
MEDIATION
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LITIGATION
Confidential
• Public Record
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Informal
• Formal
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You take the lead
• Attorneys lead
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No witness needed
• Usually witnesses
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Focus on future
• Focus on past
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You decide outcome
• Judge decides
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Less hostility
• More hostility
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Less expensive
• Costly
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Short process
• Lengthy process
Mediation Pledge
• I pledge to support the use of mediation
because it is generally quick, inexpensive, and
allows individuals and organizations control in
resolving their disagreements.
Florida Dispute Resolution Center
REFERENCES
• Positive Discipline: 2006. Jane Nelson Ed.D. Ballantine
Books.
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• PRIDE: Relationship Enhancement Strategies: 2004. Eyberg,
S, McNeil, C, & Urquiza. UC Davis CAARE Center.
• Special Time: Howard B.J., 2002. Guidelines for special
time. Jelline, M., Patel, B., Froehlee, M., eds., Bright Futures
in Practice: Mental Health-Volume II. Tool Kit. Arlington, VA:
National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health.
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• The Power of Positive Parenting:1994. Dr. Glenn I Latham.
North Logan: P &T Parenting Prescriptions.