SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY
TEACHES SPENCER
HOW TO
KISS
1. Pubic Service Announcement
2. Wes the Baptist
3. Vengeance Hard
4. She’s a Squirter
5. Deliverance from Evil
6. The Freight Escape
7. Bananarama Dick in Your Ass
8. Man on a Sledgehammer
9. Jack-Off Demand
10.
Portal Kombat
11.
Breaking Her Heart and Entering Her
12.
Scat-like Reflexes
13.
Ready? You’re Gay!
14.
Bandit, Janet, I Love You
15.
Dads On Strike
16.
First Down Syndrome
17.
Rugbrats
18.
Poop, There It Is!
19.
Joe Cameltoe
20.
If It Wasn’t For You Diddling Kids
21.
Gummunist Manifesto
22.
Help! I Need Some Pussy
23.
MVP
Pubic Service Announcement
LIGHTS UP
on a camp fire with some teenagers sittin’
round. 2 boys and 2 girls roasting fuckin’ marshmellows.
BAGS
I’m so glad we can have one last camping trip
before we go to college.
STACKS
Or don’t go to college. The SAT’s aren’t for
everyone.
RANDY
Let’s ignore Jessica being a fucking bitch and
just enjoy the night.
LEAF CRUNCH plays.
POTS
What was that?
RANDY
Maybe it was a monster
BAGS
It was probably just a deer.
STACKS
Why would there be a deer in the desert?
RANDY
Jessica, you don’t know what a desert is. Do you
see these evergreen trees and all of these
Minnesota licences? We’re in the woods.
BAGS
Deer are harmless, lets just get back to enjoying
everyone’s company. Except Jessica’s. What’s
everyone gonna miss most about high school?
POTS
The lunches. We had a really great lunch lady who
would always give me two scoops of mashed
potatoes, Mrs. Wiggins.
RANDY
Mrs. Wiggins was a dirty bitch.
STACKS
Don’t talk about my mom like that.
POTS
I actually stashed a whole bucket right here. You
guys want some?
Pulls out a bucket of mash.
RANDY
What the hell, man. You shouldn’t have brought food or
drinks here. It attracts animals. Bears love mashed
potatoes.
STACKS
Don’t they like honey?
BAGS
They like when your mouth is closed.
PHLEGHMY BREATH NOISE
plays.
POTS
What was that?
RANDY
That was definitely the monster.
STACKS
What do you mean “The” Monster?
BAGS
Whatever it is we should just feed Jessica to it now and
maybe it’ll go away.
STACKS
Why did you all even invite me on this camping trip?
RANDY
Jessica, clearly we’re all young, good looking teenagers,
out in the woods. We need someone to die first.
STACKS
That isn’t very nice.
POTS
Yeah? Well you know what else isn’t nice? Your body odor,
which is probably attracting the monster.
POTS lights up a cig.
STACKS
If this “monster” is gonna be attracted to anything, it’ll
be the pugent plume of smoke coming from the cigarette. You
shouldn’t smoke here anyways, ever heard of fires?
Specifically the of forest variety? Could you put that out?
POTS
Where am I supposed to put it out? Everything is flammable!
Puts out cigarette on Stacks arm.
CAR SOUND
EFFECT plays.
POTS
What was that?
BAGS
That actually just sounded like a car.
RANDY
Yeah, we didn’t go very far from the road.
GROWL plays.
POTS
What was that?
RANDY
Oh, sorry, that’s just my phone vibrating. (picks up
phone) Hey dad! Yeah, I’m in the woods, we think there’s a
monster lurking about, we keep hearing noises. Uh huh, yeah
Jessica is here. Uh huh, yeah, uh huh, total bitch. Thanks
for asking. Okay bye dad! (hangs up) My dad just called to
say stay calm and uh fuck you Jessica.
BAGS
Dude, turn off your phone. If it rings again, it’ll attract
the monster!
RANDY
It’s not going to ring again.
TEXT MESSAGE SOUND plays.
BAGS
Come on!
RANDY
Sorry, I got a text. Oh, there’s a monster watch effective
until 5am.
STACKS
Oh my god, we gotta get out of here.
BAGS
Great idea, Jessica! You know the only way in and out is at
the front and rear of the forest.
STACKS
What the hell does that mean? Forest’s don’t have fronts
and rears! Both terms are relative.
RANDY
Relax, Jessica. If that stick were any further up your ass,
I’d mistake you for a scarecrow.
STACKS
If I would have known we were going to be roasting me
instead of the marsh mellows, I would have just stayed
home. Did you guys just vote me prom queen as a joke?
ALL
Yes!
FOOTSTEPS GETTING LOUDER
AND LOUDER plays.
POTS
What was that? It sounds like footsteps.
BAGS
It’s getting louder!
CROWFOOT and PADDLEFOOT enter, marching with a drum.
CROWFOOT
White man, take our land. Jessica, you bitch.
STACKS
How do you know I’m a bitch?
CROWFOOT
Back in our tribe we told stories for many generations of
BOTH
The bitch of all bitches.
CROWFOOT
Now you have come, you bitch.
BOTH
Huyuh Huyuh Huyuh Huyuh we are racist caricatures. Maize!
They throw corn at RANDY and leave.
plays
BIG ROAR
.
POTS
Okay, this one has to be the monster.
ROAR GETTING LOUDER plays.
Everyone gets scared.
POTS
Guys, if we die tonight I have something to tell you.
Jessica…
you’re really a bitch.
STACKS
I have something to tell you guys, too. For four years
you’ve been calling me a bitch. It’s true, I am. Voting me
prom queen was a funny joke. I only deserved it ironically.
But it’s not my fault. It’s just my mom, you know, Ms.
Wiggins, the dirty bitch. It’s just the way she raised me.
ANOTHER GROWL plays
, all freak out.
BAGS
Jessica, did you just fart?
STACKS
I do it when I’m scared.
BAGS
Goddammit Jessica.
GODMIC
Grrrrr, ugh… ugh … gross… I’m staying away from that.
MONSTER WALKING AWAY SOUND
plays.
RANDY
Jessica, you saved us!
STACKS
I guess I did!
POTS
You’re still a bitch though.
Drum sounds, the Indians return.
PADDLE FOOT
White man, you rid our lands of the monster. Here, take
this buffalo lung, inscribed with the words of our tribe.
He hands it to stacks.
POTS
What does it say?
BAGS
It says
ALL
SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY PROUDLY PRESENTS HOW TO KISS!!!!!!
LIGHTS DOWN
.
Wes The Baptist
LIGHTS UP
on two kids.
COM
Wow, your mom’s got some weird stuff in this
attic. [Lifts up head from arm’s well]
CAS
Well at least it’s better than the living
room.
Beat. Both shudder simultaneously.
COM
Come on, you said we’d find something fun to
do up here.
CAS
And we have, you just didn’t want to play
with the prosthetic limbs. Oh look, a box of
books!
COM
Seriously? Is it a box of books stacked on
top of a box of toys? Because if not, then
no.
CAS
No. But you owe me one after I saved your
life in the living room yesterday.
Beat. Shudder together again.
COM
Alright, but after this we’re square.
CAS
Oh! Look! It’s a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure
set! Aztec Ruins! Space Station! Abandoned
Mine! Every one is better than the last!
COM
I want to do the first one.
CAS
Oh… ok, cool. [pulls out book.]
[WES enters center stage with book.]
WES
Choose your own adventure, Aztec Ruins.
Published by Penguin Books Ltd.
COM
You can skip the first few pages, it’s just
copyright information.
WES
Your left arm is impaled by a wooly mammoth
and you die.
COM
I think you went too far. What page are you
on?
CAS
80.
COM
Yeah, way too far. Have you ever read a
book before? Go back to like page 5.
WES and CAS flip back many pages.
WES
It’s the year 1908. You’re on the steamship
“Deerfield,” your destination, Panama. Due
to an unexpected storm you find yourself
shipwrecked on the shore of Central Mexico.
You and first mate Radcliffe are the only
survivors.
CGS and SHA crawl on gasping for breath, wearing
tattered capris. Planks and saltwater thrown on, they
act out the story as it goes.
WES
Do you stay on the beach or venture inland?
CAS
Stay on the beach!
COM
What no –
WES
You and Radcliffe get slightly tan, and
then are killed in a wild dingo attack
CGS and SHA are attacked and die.
COM
But dingos don’t even –
WES
The end [closes book and begins walking
off]
COM
No, let’s go back.
WES resets.
WES
It’s the year 1908 –
COM
Venture inland.
WES
You make your way into the jungle. Through
the foliage you can make out a pack of
ravenous dingos feasting on their most
recent catch. You avoid them and push
forward. Suddenly, the leaves split and you
find yourself in a clearing.
COM
And? Is there a choice?
CAS
No, that’s all it says.
COM
Turn the page.
CAS
Oh, sorry. I’m still new to books.
WES
You can’t shake the feeling that you’re
being watched. As you look around, you spot
a pair of bright green eyes between the
branches at the other end of the clearing.
A black leopard emerges. Do you go for your
gun or climb the rock face to your right?
BOTH
Go for the gun!
WES
You reach for your trusty Colt, but
remember you were in a steamship crash and
clearly lost it. The leopard leaps and
tears your neck open in one swift motion.
Amidst the spraying blood, Radcliffe flees
back the way you came, but the dingos are
waiting. They tear him apart. The end.
[closes book]
COM
No, no! Go back, choose rock face.
WES
As you scramble up the rocks, the leopard’s
claws barely miss your ankles. As you cling
to a raised patch of rock, you notice a
strange pattern of symbols in the store.
You examine them further and you realize
these aren’t rocks. They’re ruins. You
hoist yourself up on top of the mountain,
revealing a temple in the valley below.
CAS
Another page turn! This book is chock full
of ‘em!
WES
A shadowy figure appears, dressed in bones.
S&M enters, dressed in bones.
WES
As Radcliffe raises his hand to greet him,
the man fires a blowdart into his eye.
A blow dart is shot into SHA’s eye.
COM
Woah this is pretty violent.
CAS
I think this is what they call an “adult”
book.
WES
Do you remove the blow dart or leave it in
and let Radcliffe accept his new existence?
BOTH
Leave it!
SHA looks half pissed.
WES
Radcliffe bottles his frustration.
COM
That could be bad for his blood pressure
down the line.
WES
Okay. Do you fight the shadowy figure or do
you attempt to communicate with him?
CAS
Let’s fight him!
WES
You move forward to attack, but before the
first punch is thrown, a sharp pain
consumes your eye The man has fired another
blow dart. You look to your trusty friend
Radcliffe, but he’s still mad about that
whole eye thing from before and refuses to
help.
COM
What? Aw man go back, do the other one.
They turn back.
WES
You move forward to communicate, but before
the first word is spoken, a sharp pain
consumes your eye. The man has fired
another blow dart.
CAS
Oop, must’ve turned to the same page. …wait
no I didn’t.
WES
The man speaks.
When Wes speaks for the man, S&M mouths the words.
WES
“Hello friends, my name is Aztec and these
are my ruins.”
CAS
Hey remember when you turned to page 80 and
we were impaled by a wooly mammoth?
COM
Oh yeah.
CAS
When’s any of that gonna come into play?
COM
Yeah I definitely know the answer to that
question because I’ve read this book
before.
WES
“Would you like to meet my wooly mammoth?”
CAS
Oh hell yeah!
MAMMOTH SOUND plays
.
COM
NO!
CAS
It could be a different mammoth.
WES
Do you agree to meet the mammoth or do you
leave the ruins?
COM
Yeah let’s get out of here! I don’t want to
get my arm impaled and die.
WES
You leave the ruins and begin your
adventure anew.
CGS and SHA exit, S&M stays on.
WES
You cross the island and discover
unexplored territories. Your left arm is
impaled by a wooly mammoth and you die.
MAMMOTH SOUND plays.
LIGHTS DOWN.
VENGEANCE HARD.
LIGHTS UP
on a writer’s room. Movie execs. One boss
standing in the middle of the table.
GLENGARRY
Alright ladydicks, award season is
over, war season is on. We need to get
back to the meat n’ potatoes of the
movie of the movie industry. The
blockbustah! We’re trying to make
paper. Stackable paper. Money! I need
more money! Money! Jacuzzi jets don’t
clean themselves. Alright, 2.0 in high
school, gimme a pitch.
GLENROSS throws a baseball at him.
GLENGARRY
You’re fired.
GLENROSS gets up to leave.
GLENGARRY
You think you’re gonna walk out of here
without giving me a screenplay idea?.
GLENROSS sits back down.
GLENROSS
[opens notebook] Okay, well, I thought,
everyone loves dinosaurs GLENGARRY
I don’t even believe in them. When did
God make them? Next.
GLENALEC
Alright, big day. [claps] Picture this:
what do Batman, Clue, and the Shining
all have in common? [pauses. No one
speaks.] The butler is the best
character. Butlers. Sell. If the
history of cinema has taught us
anything, it is that butlers sell.
He stands up, gets casual, walks over to a different table and
pours himself a coffee.
GLENALEC
I got a question for ya, gang. How do
we switch it up? How do we change the
game? Butlers sell, we all know that.
You know what else sells? Sliced bread.
But sliced bread isn’t exciting
anymore. [throws coffee at passing
intern] We gotta make butlers exciting
again! Make em sexy! [Drinks more
coffee] Two words you’ll never forget:
Robot Butler [throws chair. Sits]
GLENGARRY
Rick. I asked for a script idea, and
you pitched me one character. You
didn’t tell me anything about him, you
just told me he was a butler who was a
robot that is apparently sexy. That
would be like if I told you my story
was a [beat] hot kangaroo lawyer. Do
you see how that’s not what I wanted?
Beat.
GLENALEC
So… robot butler’s off the table?
GLENGARRY
Yeah, it’s off the table.
GLENALEC
Alright back burner.
GLENGARRY
Alright, Diane! What you got for me?
GLENED
Okay well, how about a traditional
courtroom drama but… the judge, he’s
got a… a… bum leg!
GLENGARRY
I feel like that wouldn’t have any
effect on his job at all.
DIANE gets sad.
GLENGARRY
Leslie, hit me with the sugar.
GLENKEVIN
Big boat! 2 worlds, rich and poor. Rich
girl, poor boy. Star-crossed lovers.
They mix. Boat keeps going. Big
iceberg. Not enough lifeboats. Water’s
cold! World torn apart. Diamonds and an
old lady. [snaps]
GLENGARRY
You know how much a boat that size
would cost?
GLENKEVIN
Like, the cost of two smaller boats?
GLENGARRY
Leslie, look at me. We’re not gonna
pack a ship full of people and sail it
into an iceberg on camera [shakes his
head] That doesn’t even sound like a
movie. Bri-fi, we’re back at it, gimme
something I can work with.
GLENROSS
Albino musical.
GLENGARRY
Brian, pack your things and leave.
You’re fired. This time for real.
GLENROSS leaves.
GLENGARRY
Okay, Ricky Ricardo. Back to you, go.
GLENALEE
Let’s do it. Picture this: what’s the
most important thing in the world?
[pause, no one responds] Family. Greg
was a normal school teacher. Filthy
rich. Lives in a huge mansion. He loves
the bachelor lifestyle, but he’s got
two kids. Oh, did I mention his wife is
dead? He needs some help around the
house. So who does Greg call? His
buddy, Lester. Lester does everything a
friend normally does. Cooks, cleans,
handles guests and house staff, sleeps
in a guest bedroom, opens the door. But
one day, Lester gets in a vicious car
accident that leaves him on deaths
door, which he opens. Greg, the friend
he is, uses his vast wealth to bring
Lester back as… Robot Butler. [picks up
chair and then kicks it over]
GLENGARRY
Rick, I’m glad you were able to produce
a story concept this time, but I am not
going to bankroll a film in which any
character is a robot butler. It is an
inherently terrible idea. Suggesting it
again will unleash a monster inside of
me that even I have never seen, and it
very well could eat you. Does anyone
have anything for me? Any ideas?
Leslie.
GLENKEVIN
Agh, eggs, hard boil them. Mayonnaise,
they mix! You need a bowl!
GLENGARRY
Leslie! Is that a receipe for egg
salad?
She resignedly squeals.
GLENGARRY
Fuck off, Leslie. Seriously, you are
also fired. Now the next thing I hear
better be GOLD!
GLENALEE raises hand.
GLENGARRY
Is it gonna be a gold robot butler?
GLENALEE shakes his head
GLENGARRY
Rick.
GLENALEE nods.
GLENGARRY
So no one has any ideas?
Nameless intern from earlier w/ the coffee re-enters.
PLUTO
I’ve got a BLT here that someone
ordered?
GLENGARRY
Huh?
LIGHTS DOWN. Spinning
animation of a movie poster
is projected. The movie is called BLT: Bacon,
Lettuce, and Torpedoes. The movie poster has a BLT on it that
has two guns, there’s torpedoes going everywhere. A big boobed
lady. American flags. A sub that’s splattered with blood.
She’s A Squirter
LIGHTS UP
on MAN and WOMAN sitting onstage
together. HOMBRE and MUJER enter.
MUJER
Oh, sorry, we must be in the wrong
room. We were looking for couple's
therapy.
WOMAN
Oh no, you're in the right room.
HOMBRE
Great. We'll just wait for you guys to
finish up. We're in no hurry.
MUJER
Yes we are, Stuart. The kids are home,
I have a roast in the oven that needs
to be taken out in exactly an hour and
five minutes. This therapy session was
supposed to last an hour, and it takes
five minutes to get home. I started
running the bath before we left and
Hayden loves water but can't swim, if
we don't get home in time either Hayden
will have drowned, or we'll have missed
the joy of seeing him learn to swim.
While she was talking MAN and WOMAN have been taking notes.
HOMBRE
I'm sorry. My wife is a crazy bitch,
we'll wait out in the reception room.
WOMAN
Oh no, no, no. This is couple's
therapy.
HOMBRE
Maybe I'm the walking lard bucket my
wife always talks about, but my
understanding of couple's therapy has
always been three people: one couple,
and one therapist. Not two couples.
WOMAN
Oh, no, we're both therapists. We've
been waiting for you.
MUJER
No, we scheduled an appointment with
Dr. John Ellen.
MAN
Yes, I'm John, and she's Ellen. You
seeWOMAN sprays MAN in the face with some sort of liquid. Probably
water.
MAN
Honey, why don't you start.
WOMAN
Stuart, you mentioned your wife was a crazy bitch. Why
do you think that?
HOMBRE
Oh, well I said that in the heat of the moment.
Normally, I'd say she's not crazy, she's just a bitch.
WOMAN
And when did you start feeling that way.
HOMBRE
Well, I think the turning point in our relationship
was when I was going to sleep and Eileen burnt me with
a hot iron.
MUJER
Okay, you're telling that story wrong. I was ironing
your shirt for the morning and dropped the iron on
your foot.
HOMBRE
And held it there for three minutes!
MUJER
It's a sex thing. He loves it.
HOMBRE
It's not a sex thing and I don't love it!
MAN
I think the problem here is thatWOMAN sprays MAN with water.
WOMAN
What usually works for us in these situations is to
create an open dialogue and a balance of opinion.
MAN
Exactly-Sprayed.
WOMAN
This is an open space where everyone is
free to speak. But, moving forward,
let's try to use "I feel" statements,
such as "I feel sad when you don't
think of my feelings".
MAN
Or, "I feel damp"
Sprayed.
MUJER
Okay, I feel hurt when you drop Jerry
off at daycare and say, "I'm not even
sure that this is my kid".
HOMBRE
Well, I feel doubtful about Jerry when
I know that our daughter is defintiely
not mine!
MUJER
She's not technically mine either! We
adopted her! You know that, it was your
idea!
HOMBRE
Honey, please use "I feel" statements.
MUJER
Fine. I feel trapped in this marriage!
HOMBRE
Well, I feel trapped when you put a
plastic bag on my head.
MUJER
Well, I feel confused when you say you
like all of these things sexually and
then bring them up at therapy like you
don't.
HOMBRE
I don't! (composes himself, clears
throat) I feel I don't. I feel pain,
specifically in the bedroom.
MUJER
I feel like I need to spice up our sex
lives to save this marriage.
HOMBRE
Not with Cayenne! (clears throat) I
feel stinging in my eyes. All the time.
It doesn't wash out.
WOMAN sprays HOMBRE.
WOMAN
Did that help?
HOMBRE
Actually, yes. You know I never though
to try water.
MAN
Well, what did you-Sprayed.
MUJER
I'm sorry, I need to address this. Why do you keep
spraying him?
WOMAN
It's a sex thing.
MAN
I love it.
LIGHTS DOWN
DELIVERANCE FROM EVIL
LIGHTS UP
on a river, which is two slow kids with
some flowing blue fabric. There is a man on the shore, fishing.
RIVER SOUND EFFECT plays.
FISHER JIM
Quiet day on this river. Haven't had any
movement on this line except for when my
jazzy pinkies get to dancin' out of
boredom.
Two men, ALLEGHENY and TENAKILL enter, wearing
barrels. They are floating down the river.
ALLEGHENY
It's so serendipitous that we were
floating down this river at the same
time.
TENAKILL
I wasn't even planning on it. I just
tripped and rolled in.
ALLEGHENY
With the barrel?
TENAKILL
Yes! I wear it as clothes. I put two
straps over my shoulders and it
functions as overalls with the
breathability of a night gown. (Beat.) I
am also cripplingly poor.
ALLEGHENY
How did you afford the barrel?
TENAKILL
It was already my house! I never thought
I'd own a houseboat!
ALLEGHENY
Sorry to burst your barrel, but I don't
think you do!
TENAKILL
Please don't burst my barrel. I do
believe I'd drown and die a terrible
death.
FISHER JIM
Unless you boys are gonna let me catch
and eat you, would you kindly hurry up
down this river and let me fish. They
are my only source of food and (winks)
sexual pleasure.
ALLEGHENY
Why would you wink if you were just
going to bluntly tell us exactly what
you meant?
FISHER JIM
That's just my jazzy eyelid. I have
several gnats living under there and
they act up in this humidity.
ALLEGHENY
Have you seen a doctor about that?
FISHER JIM
Boy, you think I can see anyone with
gnats living in my eyes? I can barely
see the gnats living in my eyes!
TENAKILL
You know, I've been trying to place it
ever since we got in the water, but my
barrel smells like pickles! It's the
oddest thing.
ALLEGHENY
Are you sure it wasn't just a pickle
barrel?
TENAKILL
Aw hell, how am I supposed to know that?
I just found it, emptied all the
pickles, drained the pickle juice, and
hopped in!
ALLEGHENY
Say, was that crippling poverty you
spoke of earlier related to you having a
cripplingly low IQ?
TENAKILL
Sure might! I and Q have been troubling
subjects for me in the past.
ALLEGHENY
What do you mean?
FISHER JIM
BoysALLEGHENY
Could you call us something other than
boys?
FISHER JIM
SweetcheeksALLEGHENY
Go back to boys.
FISHER JIM
If you don't mind me asking, why are you
two floating down this river anyhow?
ALLEGHENY
Well, I don't know about Pickle Dick
over here, but I was just looking for a
relaxing jaunt down the river.
TENAKILL
Truth is, I didn't just slip and roll
into this river. I knew what I was
doing. I was trying to kill myself. What
I didn't know was that my home and
clothes are reliably buoyant.
FISHER JIM
Well I can tell you something else you
can rely on. Just beyond that mysterious
darkness (he points to the curtains) is
Niagara Falls. I regret to inform you
that death is imminent.
TENAKILL
Oh joy!
ALLEGHENY
Listen, friend. I know that you came to
this river to die and, judging by all
the evidence, that's probably the
smartest thing you've ever done. But, as
my life isn't a depressing pile of shit,
I would like to try my hand at getting
out of this river. Say, Fisherman! Is
there any low hanging branch or rock
formation I might be able to snag?
FISHER JIM
I'm afraid not! Your best chance is to
pray for a miracle.
TENAKILL
Alright, dear Lord.
ALLEGHENY
Good start!
TENAKILL
Please send the Black Angel of Death to
finish me off for good!
ALLEGHENY
Aw hell dang it Pickle Dick, I'm trying
to keep death away. Here, I'll do it.
Jesus, please save me.
JESUS enters.
ALLEGHENY
My prayers, they've been answered!
JESUS
Listen guys, this is gonna sound
terrible, but I'm just visiting Niagara
Falls on vacation. I told the family,
God, I wouldn't do any work, so that
means no miracles. In fact, the only
reason I'm even over here is because my
boat tour's completely dry, and I had to
sneak away to loosen up a bit.
ALLEGHENY
What do you mean, Christ?
JESUS
I was gonna turn this whole river into
wine.
JESUS takes a couple steps on the waving fabric.
ALLEGHENY
Jesus, you're literally walking on water
right now! Can't you just lift me out?
JESUS
Come on, man. If I lift you out, I gotta
lift everybody out.
TENAKILL
Not me! I am SET TO DIE!
JESUS
Listen, I gotta get out of here.
Remember, the Lord helps those who help
themselves.
He reaches into the water, and pulls out a fish.
JESUS
Here's a fish, Jimmy.
He exits.
ALLEGHENY
Now what are we gonna do?
TENAKILL
Just wait for the Black Angel of Death,
I guess.
REAPER, the aforementioned, enters.
TENAKILL
It's him! The Angel of Death! The black
one!
REAPER
Hey, sorry about that Jesus guy. I don't
get the hype. You guys need help?
ALLEGHENY
I'd love to get off this river!
REAPER lifts him out.
REAPER
Pickle Dick, you still good to go over?
TENAKILL
Yup! (He starts to drift off)
As he walks out, REAPER bumps into one of the slow
kids with the fabric, who dies.
REAPER
Oops, Sorry.
LIGHTS DOWN.
The Freight Escape
LIGHTS UP
on 4 chairs onstage. They’re facing away from
the audience. All have people seated in them. Two men with bandanas
enter. They are BUFFALO BILL and TEXAS PETE.
BUFFALO BILL
Everybody put your hands up where I can see ‘em. This is a
good old fashioned train robbery.
All passengers turn around, they are identical cops. They have hats,
moustaches, uniforms. They the fuzz, you got it.
TEXAS PETE
April Fools…
LIGHTS DOWN
.
Bananarama Dick in Your Ass
Lights up
on a nice store. It’s the type that sells
things! There is a table. And on the table: a hat! There’s one guy,
let’s call him SHITBAG standing on stage. CRAP CONTAINER walks on.
Also there’s a banana peel on stage, CC avoids it. A leg is sticking
out from under the table. FFP is slumped in a chair.
SHITBAG
Welcome to the Hat Store!
CC
Thank you!
SHITBAG walks off.
SHITBAG
[offstage] Change please, help a veteran.
CC looks perplexed, like a homeless man just welcomed
him to a store. CC picks up the hat and tries it on.
CC
I think I’ll buy this one! It’s a perfect
fit! [looks around.] I guess I’ll just
leave some money, then.
Puts some money down and walks off.
Lights
dim.
GODMIC
10 minutes earlier.
Lights back up
on POOP VASE.
Shitbag walks on. FFP is slumped in his chair.
POOP VASE
Welcome to the-
SHITBAG viciously attacks POOP VASE. POOP VASE dies.
Shitbag takes Poop Vase’s name tag for his own.
Shitbag stuffs Poop Vase under the table, his leg
still sticking out.
SHITBAG
If I knew getting a job was this easy, I
woulda not been homeless a long time ago.
[checks self for blood.] Aw man. I got
blood on me again!
He grabs hat, avoids peel, wipes the blood off with
hat.
Lights dim.
GODMIC
10 minutes earlier.
Lights back up
on Poop Vase, still
alive. SCAT CUP enters holding a Wendy’s chili cup.
FFP is slumped over in a chair.
POOP VASE
Welcome to the Hat Store!
SCAT CUP
Thanks! [notices FFP] Oh my God is that man
alright?
POOP VASE
Don’t worry, he’s fine, this store is a
violence free zone.
SCAT CUP
Oh… great. [walks over to hat, avoiding
banana peel picks it up but drops it,
starts accidentally stepping on it.] Oh it
sure is dusty down here! [Sneezes on hat.]
Oop, another nose bleed! Ooh, bad one, too.
[Wipes his nose with the hat.]
Lights dim.
GODMIC
10 minutes earlier.
Lights up
on Poop Vase. FECAL FANNY
PACK, a banana vendor, enters holding a bunch of
bananas.
POOP VASE
Welcome to the Hat Store!
FFP
[Twilight zone character voice] Free
bananas here! Buy the bushel or just one!
We’ve got plantains too and, I know what
you’re thinking, there is a difference.
POOP VASE
Sir, you can’t sell bananas in here.
FFP
Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it. They’re free
[sits down, start to take off his apron,
shoes, etc] Pulls another banana out of his
inside coat pocket, wipes his pits and brow
with it.
FFP takes out another banana, peels it, and takes a
bite. Spits it out into the hat.
FFP
Oh ho, that one was rotten to the core!
Just kidding, bananas don’t have cores. Any
banana man worth half his salt in bananas
can tell you that. Yes, it’s been a long
journey today. I walked all the way from 5th
Avenue, on my own two feet mind you,
carrying all of these bananas and some of
these plantains. It’s as hot as a chili
pepper out there. Glad I’m not selling
those, like my cousin. You may know him as
the South Side Chili Slinger. Mind you not
slinging bowls of chili, just the pepper.
You want a bowl, you walk yourself on down
to Wendy’s.
SCAT CUP enters as he says that, turns around cause he
realizes he wants chili and not a hat.
FFP
Get a baked potato while you’re there! Tell
‘em I sent you! Good luck finding out my
name! And don’t just tell them it was a
banana salesman! There’s thousands of us,
we’ve got a union! And if anyone knows
unions, it’s Wendy!
Lights dim
, Slow Kid runs on and
dampens FFP’s armpits.
GODMIC
9 minutes later.
Lights up
on the same scene.
FFP
Yes, I’d be a very rich man, but nothing
quite compares to the joy of seeing your
banana in a little boy’s mouth. [Beat. He
mops the sweat from his sweaty armpits.]
Well it seems I’ve gone on long enough.
Mind if I take a nap here? Tiring work
selling bananas.
POOP VASE
Sir you can’tFFP
Good day sir! [takes a nap.]
POOP VASE
Well at least I got a banana out of that.
All done. [Tosses it on the ground.]
Lights dim.
GODMIC
19 minutes earlier.
Lights back up
on Poop Vase and
Dung Bucket takes hat off. There’s no peel on the
ground.
DUNG BUCKET
Now remember, this is the hat store. Named
after me, John Hatt. We’re a music store
and that’s all. And keep in mind we’re in a
safe neighborhood, and nothing out of the
ordinary ever happens. I’m gonna be on my
lunch break for the next 40 minutes, you
should be perfectly fine until I get back.
Lights dim.
GODMIC
40 minutes later.
Lights back up.
Same set up
as lights up.
SHITBAG
Welcome to the hat store!
CC
Thank you!
Shitbag walks off.
SHITBAG
[offstage] Change please, help a veteran.
CC looks perplexed, picks up now gross hat and tries
it on, but this time more cheeky because the audience
knows whats up.
CC
I think I’ll buy this one! It’s a perfect
fit! [looks around] I guess I’ll just leave
some money then. [puts money down and walks
off.]
Dung Bucket walks in with a napkin bib and a banana
peel.
DUNG BUCKET
What the hell happened here? Where’s my
hat? What’s this money doing here? Is that
a leg?
Sees the leg, lifts table skirt, sees poop vase.
DUNG BUCKET
[gasp] I’m not paying you for this.
HUMAN WASTE DIXIE CUP the south side chili slinger
enters with a big tub of chili.
HUMAN WASTE DIXIE CUP
Free chili! By the bowl or by the cup!
Straight from the south side. And I don’t
mean a chili pepperHWDC slips on banana peel.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Man on a Sledgehammer
LIGHTS UP
on a nice pool. One lone soul stands on the
edge of the stage. Behind him, a group of worried people nervously
talk amongst themselves.
WORTH
I'm doing it! I'm gonna jump!
MIMA
Please, you don't have to do this!
WORTH
It's too late, lady!
MIMA
Just call me mom!
WORTH
Sorry, mom
DADI
What's going on out there?
WORTH
I'm gonna jump, dad!
DADI
wow, about time.
MAMI
Honey, don't you think he's a little young?
DADI
Relax, first time I jumped, I didn't even jump! My dad
threw me and I survived.
MAMI
Your father was an alcoholic.
DADI
No, he just worked hard. He was an alcohol
taster, best in his trade. And he had to
unwind after long days of work. Besides,
the Mayhew boy jumped last week, and I
won't have my son be the last kid in the
neighborhood to jump off a damn diving
board.
WORTH
Yeah mom, Cannon-arm Peterson has been
bragging about it all week.
MAMI
Who in god's name is that?
WORTH
You know, Robbie Mayhew? They've been
calling him that since he dove.
MAMI
Why are they calling him that?
WORTH
When he dove, he did a cannonball, but with
his arms out. He punched Peterson in the
face!
MAMI
So not only did he punch sweet Stanley
Peterson in the face, but he also stole his
last name?
WORTH
Now you see what I'm competing with!
DADI
Damn Mayhews, lucky bastards. Just jump, ya
woos.
WORTH
Ok, dad! [he doesn't move, tenses up, a la
taking a dump]
MAMI
Jaime, you're not even wearing the right
clothes.
WORTH
That's got nothing to do with me diving.
MAMI
It's got everything to do with it! Your
gamebox is in your pocket, your church
khakis are gonna lose their starch, and I'm
telling you, your hair is gonna be crusty
all day long.
WORTH
I don't care about crusty hair. It's the
cost of courage.
MAMI
You said that when you dumped maple syrup
on your head and then you cried all
afternoon. Besides, maybe Sally Fitzgerald
cares about crusty ahir.
WORTH
Don't talk about Sally!
DADI
You need me to throw you, son? There's no
shame in a toss! Ask any old salad. [dad
laugh]
WORTH
No, dad I can do this on my own.
DADI
Can you? We've been watching you stare at
the water for 20 minutes now. There's a
line around the block like Don Knotts is
signing autographs.
SALLY "swims" up to him, from the audience
SALLY
Jaime, jump in! The water's warm.
WORTH
You're beautiful.
DADI
Alright, Shakespeare, just jump in the
pool!
CANNONARM PETERSON 3 swims up
CP3
Is that James on the board? you look as much
a woos now as ever. You're not even wearing
proper diving trunks. Sally, you wanna swim
in the deep end? I can do that because my
voice is deep, because my balls dropped,
because I jumped in the pool.
DADI
THAT'S a champion. Good luck son. I'm going
to try to adopt that boy.
WORTH
But he's already got parents.
DADI
Looks like I've got some work to do, then.
MAMI
Honey we've already got a son.
DADI
Don't you want a better one?
MAMI
Hmm…okay!
MAMI and DADI exit
WORTH
Alright, you can do this, everyone's lost
faith, but you've got this. Why don't you
just dip your toe in, get used to it. Yeah
[starts to do it], no you're 30 feet above
the ground. Okay, okay, you need to do
this. Don't think too hard, just
gracefullyWORTH falls off the stage screaming.
SALLY
He's doing it!
WORTH
Oh, no.
GODMIC
Attention all swimmers. Potomac Woods Pool
will be closed for the remainder of the
afternoon due to feces in the water.
SCREAMING KIDS sound effect
plays.
LIGHTS DOWN
Jack-off Demand
LIGHTS UP
on a nice, quaint, living room. The husband
is on the couch, the wife is in the kitchen.
HUBBY
Heyy babe.
WIFE
Hey!
HUBBY
Did you order the pizza already?
WIFE
Yep! Should be here soon [sits down next to
him and rubs her nose on his cheek] hmmm!
[she keeps doing it]
HUBBY
Ha ha that tickles! Ha ha ha, stop.
BEAT.
WIFE
So, what do you want to watch tonight?
HUBBY
I was thinking, you know, the usual.
WIFE
Hun, I'm not watching Saturday Morning
Cartoons. [beat] on a Saturday night.
There's a time and a place for everything
and it's not 8:06 pm.
HUBBY
Well, what do you want to watch?
WIFE
[wife grabs remote] Tuscaloosa County
Bingo?
HUBBY
Ehhhh…
WIFE
Last Monday's news?
HUBBY
Ehh we watched that the other day.
WIFE
That show where they broadcast live births?
HUBBY
That's not a show, you just somehow hacked
into the surveillance feed of a maternity
ward.
WIFE
[beat] how about a comedy?
HUBBY
Oh yeah we can rent one of those stand ups
on demand!
WIFE
[gasps] yeah let's do that! [fiddles with
the remote] Ok, picking at random, uhm,
this guy [click]
HUBBY
You uh, turned off the TV
WIFE
Oh, ha! Silly me, this'll do it! Alright,
and, lets pick this guy!
HUBBY
Sure! [click]
DOORBELL plays.
WIFE
Oh, that must be the pizza!
Gets up, opens door. LEAL walks in, a comedian
carrying a mic stand. He walks to the side of the
living room and puts the mic stand down.
LEAL
Alright folks, sit down, sit down. Wow,
great crowd tonight! Ok, this next fella
comes all the way from Tuscalosa, Alabama,
put your hands together for the very funny
Brian Leal!
BRIAN enters, shakes hands with LEAL, LEAL steals the
batters out of the remote and exits. BRIAN takes the
stand
WIFE
[looks at Hubby] wha…what's going on.
BRIAN
Hello folks! My name is Brian Leal, a
Comedian on Demand®, great to be here!
HUBBY
Why are you in our house?
BRIAN
Sir, you're not the
audience, have some
the funny stuff. So
because, it's like,
only one in the
respect. But back to
socks are funny
what are they?
WIFE
[laughing hysterically] IT'S TRUE!!!
HUBBY
Whay are you laughing? That can't be the
whole joke.
BRIAN
We wear socks, but what are socks? Is it a
shirt for your foot or a glove for you r
feet?!
WIFE
[still laughing] Ha ha, I don't know! What
about toes?!?!
BRIAN
[points at wife] this lady knows what I'm
talking about! I like you already, hope you
didn't come here with anyone!
HUBBY
I'm her husband, and this is our house!
BRIAN
Oh you two are married! That's great, how
long have you been together?
WIFE
5 years!
BRIAN
Whoa! 5 years, you know what that means
[side whisper] no sex.
WIFE
[bursts out laughing] He's right, it's like
we're 60!
HUBBY
Who are you talking to?
BRIAN
So I was going to do some bits, but I like
this crowd so much that I think I'm just
going to talk to you guys. [takes mic off
stand and walks towards them] So, where are
ya from, married couple?
HUBBY
Uhm, here.
BRIAN
Oh wow, you know what they say about
Georgia?
WIFE
[gasp] Peaches?!?!
BRIAN
Not quite [points at HUBBY, whispers]
Impotent…
WIFE
[explodes] Ahhh! It's true! That's why we
don't have sex.
HUBBY
Don't tell them tha- [sighs] There's no one
here.
DOORBELL plays.
BRIAN
Hang on folks, I gotta get that.
He goes to answer the door, BRUCE (THE CHINESE
DELIVERY GUY) walks in toting a pizza
BRUCE (TCDG)
Yeah I've got two large pies for [looks up]
BRIAN LEAL? No way! I love this guy's take
on socks and broken wieners! You guys mind
if I stay to watch this? Thanks!
By then he is already sitting between them. Starts
eating pizza, offers slice to wife.
BRUCE (TCDG)
Want a slice?
WIFE
If you don't mind! [grabs a slice]
BRUCE (TCDG)
Anybody else? [motions grandly to the room]
HUBBY
I paid for that. And there's no one else
here.
BRIAN
You know what else isn't here?
WIFE falls over laughing, bursting pizza, then waits
for the joke
BRIAN
Boners.
Wife and BRUCE (TCDG) practically die laughing, start
heaving.
HUBBY
Alright, you and you [points to BRIAN and
BRUCE (TCDG) got to get out of my house.
You're pissing me off!
BRIAN
No can do, the rental lasts 24 hours. Not
like you know anything about lasting.
WFIE and BRUCE (TCDG) go fucking nuts laughing. Roll
around on the floor. They can't take it. They can't
breathe! Oh my god, they died. They died from
laughing. HUBBY can't believe it.
HUBBY
Honey, honey.
He checks WIFE's pulse and looks up terrified at
BRIAN. BRIAN’S phone rings.
BRIAN
Hello? How was my set? I killed.
LIGHTS DOWN
Portal Kombat
LIGHTS UP
on two chaps tossing a ball.
RILEY
I don’t know, I just think seventh grade is
a little early for my mom to make me decide
if I want to be a doctor.
TOWN
Well, it’s always good to have a plan. You
never know when life’s gonna come out of
nowhere and hit you in the back of the
head.
TOWN throws the ball. It goes over RILEY’S head
offstage. The same ball gets thrown from offstage on
the opposite side and hits TOWN in the back of the
head.
TOWN
Ah dude! What was that? Did a squirrel just
drop that from a tree? [He throws it to
Riley]
RILEY
How would a squirrel get a racquetball?
Also, this is the same Mickey Mantle signed
racquetball we were just using.
TOWN
How do you know it’s the same Mickey Mantle
signed racquetball?
RILEY
Because he signed it “Mickey Mantle, comma,
enjoy the Chili’s.” I met Mickey Mantle at a
Chili’s
TOWN
Mickey Mantle owns our local Chili’s. He’s
there signing balls all the time.
RILEY
Listen, whereabouts of Mickey Mantle aside,
how did this ball get over there?
TOWN
Well I threw our ball over your head and
then this one just popped out over here.
RILEY
Throw it over my head again.
TOWN throws it offstage.
TOWN
See? That didn’t do anyTOWN gets hit in the back of the head.
TOWN
Oh my god… [he throws it]
TOWN turns around and gets hit in the face.
RILEY
You know you can dodge it, right?
TOWN
Good call. [He throws it, immediately takes
a couple steps to the side still gets hit.
RILEY
Here let’s see if it goes the other way!
Riley takes the ball and throws it over town’s head.
Riley just subtly dodges it. The ball gets thrown back
on, it’s now a big dodgeball. It goes over Riley’s
shoulder and hits Town in the face.
RILEY
That side made it bigger!
TOWN
Is my nose bleeding?
RILEY
No dude, focus!
TOWN
I can’t focus! I’ve been hit with so many
balls I can’t see straight.
RILEY
Bet you can still see gay! This seems like
a lot of power to have as 7th graders.
[Beat.] Let’s spit in it!
They spit into the side that makes it bigger and a
bunch of water gets thrown on the empty side of the
stage.
TOWN
At least that one didn’t hit me.
RILEY runs back to the other side and spits in it.
Spit flies out the other side and hits Town in the
eye.
TOWN
Now I definitely can’t see anything.
RILEY
Let’s try throwing other stuff in. Gimme
your shoe.
Town hands Riley his shoe. He throws it and an elegant
high heel comes out.
TOWN
[nervous] Uh, I don’t know anything about
that. This portal definitely doesn’t show
your true desires or anything.
RILEY
Here, give me your wallet. I’ll throw it in
that side and maybe it’ll give us more
money.
He points behind Town, who turns. Riley puts wallet in
pocket.
RILEY
Guess it doesn’t work every time. Gimme
that gross lunch your mom packed for you.
TOWN
I don’t want to lose my broccoli, man.
Riley just gives Town a look and Town relinquishes his
bagged lunch. Riley throws it. A pizza pops out the
other side. Riley opens the pizza box.
RILEY
Aw, a broccoli pizza.
TOWN
It’s a happy compromise!
RILEY
Hey do you think if you throw the ball hard
enough, you can make an endless loop?
TOWN
Well I probably can’t, but you can.
RILEY
Suit yourself, hold the pizza.
Riley chucks the ball offstage. One ball gets thrown
completely offstage. Then another. Then another. It’s
an infinite loop.
RILEY
We gotta stop it! Quick, jump!
Town jumps and gets hit in the face with the ball.
TOWN
Alright, if I’m gonna make it in this
world, I gotta be tougher. I’m going in the
side that makes you bigger.
RILEY
Cool.
TOWN
You’re not gonna try to stop me?
RILEY
Why would I try to stop you?
TOWN
We don’t know if it’s safe for humans!
RILEY shrugs. Town sighs and walks offstage. On the
other side, TOWNE enters. He is much bigger than Town.
RILEY
Woah it worked!
TOWNE
[deep voice] Yeah I guess – woah. Here toss
me the ball.
RILEY complies. TOWNE chucks it at RILEY’s face,
laughs, then walks off. Town reenters, small again, on
the opposite side.
TOWN
I just wanted to see life from the other
side.
RILEY
What was it like in there?
TOWN
It was kind of humid.
RILEY
Did you see anything?
TOWN
Actually I did! I think there’s some sort
of life in there. We should try to
communicate.
RILEY
Like with a Ouija board?
TOWN
Yeah!
RILEY
Good thing I always keep one on me!
Sometimes ghosts are the only friends I
have.
TOWN
[Beat.] You gonna put it through the
portal?
RILEY
Yeah. [He throws it in. It pops out the
other side unaffected.] That didn’t work.
TOWN
Let’s just try paper.
Tosses in posterboard. It gets thrown back on stage.
It says “hello.” They both gasp.
RILEY
Woah! Throw it again!
They do. It pops out with the added message “Please
stop throwing.”
TOWN
They’re clearly not done.
They throw it again. It pops out and says “balls in
here.”
RILEY
They didn’t say anything about throwing
paper!
They throw it again. It pops out and says “We are
trying to have a barbecue.”
TOWN
Alright, we should leave them be.
RILEY
Hold on. [Scribbles something on paper.]
TOWN
What’d you write?
RILEY
You’ll see.
The paper gets tossed out. It says “Fine.” Then a
burger gets slid across stage on a plate.
TOWN
You didn’t ask for two?
RILEY
Sorry dude. Alright I’m kinda bored now.
TOWN
We just discovered a portal to another
world!
RILEY
Yeah but I got a new video game. Let’s go
back inside.
Riley walks off. Sidesteps the portal.
RILEY
‘scuse me.
TOWN
[to himself.] One last time.
Picks up a ball and throws it through the portal.
GODMIC
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
A billion balls pelt Town from offstage.
LIGHTS DOWN.
BREAKING HER HEART AND ENTERING HER POOS
LIGHTS UP
on a house. Two unsightly hoodlums enter.
SLUMLY
Alright Tony, I’ve been casing the joint
for the past two weeks, nobody’s home, it’s
perfect.
FRUMLY
Think there’ll be a lotta loot in there?
SLUMlY
What is this a comic book? I’m sure
there’ll be a lot of jewelry or cash, but
just loot? Probably not.
FRUMLY
Ok, well loot or no loot, we’re gonna
pillage the hell outta that place.
FRUMLY walks towards stage, SLUMLY stops him
SLUMLY
Hang on, lemme talk to you real quick.
What’s this pillage stuff? What’re talking
about looting and pillaging? What are we
vikings? In our longboats? Landing on the
shores of Greenland? What’d he got a
leader? Erik the Red? And what’d he go on
to have a son or something, Leif, who
allegedly went on to discover like North
America or something? Get off it will ya,
let’s rob this house.
FRUMLY
Yeah yeah, let’s plunder it!
SLUMLY
Okay, still a little pirate-y, but I can
work with it.
FRUMLY
Crowbar at the ready. [produces a crowbar]
SLUMY
On my count. 5Frumly brutally swings forward with the crowbar.
FRUMLY
Psshhhh BSSSHHHHH!
SLUMY
What the hell, I said on my count!
FRUMLY
Well, you didn’t tell me when you were
gonna stop!
SLUMLY
I was gonna stop at one. Why wouldn’t i
stop at one>
FRUMLY
I don’t know, I thought you were gonna go
into the negatives.
SLUMLY
Why would I go into the negatives. Who goes
into the negatives?
FRUMLY
I’ve known some people who go into the
negatives.
SLUMLY
Well do you rob houses with them? Because
you only rob houses with me and I don’t go
into the negatives. You also didn’t even
let me get to them. I said one number.
FRUMLY
Sorry, won’t happen again.
SLUMLY
Well, prove yourself right. Wanna break
that window for real this time? Last time
you just went “psshhhhttt” and swung at
nothing.
FRUMLY
Yeah, let’s do it.
SLUMLY
Alright, 5-
WINDOW SMASH
SOUND plays.
Frumly swings.
SLUMLY
Just one window! Why would we need to break
every one? We go in one window, and then we
come out the same window! Don’t be
wasteful.
Frumly starts frantically stuffing shattered glass,
which exits courtesy of audience imagination.
FRUMLY
What a bounty!
SLUMLY
Enough big words! We’re going in the house
now. And stop stealing glass, that’s not
what we are here for. it’s going to rip the
bag.
They step into the house.
SLUMLY
Alright Tony, you go upstairs and get the
wife’s jewelry. I’m gonna raid the dining
hall for the silver china.
FRUMLY
Okay but what if it falls out of my ripped
bag.
SLUMLY
Then you don’t use a ripped bag! We’re in a
house, I’m sure you can find one without
rips.
FRUMLY
Think they have an extra? I don’t wanna
inconvenience them at all.
SLUMLY
We’re robbing the place! I think stealing
all their valuables is well past an
inconvenience. Just grab a plastic bag or
something.
FRUMLY
Don’t you think glass will rip the plastic?
SLUMLY
WE’RE NOT STEALING GLASS!
CHARGING LASERS sound
plays. Spotlights on
the two.
GODMIC
Evening, Vagabonds. i see you’ve found your
way into my humble abode. How do you find
the decor?
FRUMLY
Honestly, it’s unique but with a modern
twist that isn’t oppressive. It’s grounded,
but with a bit of flair.
SLUMLY
And I’d say a dash of panacheGODMIC
SILENCE! You’re in hell now bitch!
MACHINES WHIRRING
sound plays.
SLUMLY
What are you talking about?
BUTTON
PRESSING sound
effect.
Slumly backs into a table.
A harpoon is thrown across stage.
SLUMLY
HOLY SHIT! I think this place is booby
trapped!
FRUMLY
[From behind table] Don’t worry! We won’t
go hungry, I found cheese!
SLUMLY
Tony no!!
MOUSE TRAP sound
effect plays
, he emerges with a
mouse trap on his hand.
FRUMLY
I think the cheese went bad,
GODMIC
They call it a mouse trap. I never expected
to catch a criminal with it.
SLUMLY
You didn’t really catch him. It’s still
very easy for him to run. It’s really more
a finger issue. Even though it didn’t hit
us I think the harpoon was more effective.
GODMIC
You can stroke my ego all you want but
you’re not getting out of here that easily!
SLUMLY
AY, Tony, look for some sort of switch you
can flip to shut this security program up.
GODMIC
There’s no switch you can flip to turn me
off for I am not a program. I am a
manifestation of thousands of years of
injustice, and crime, finally rearing it’s
ugly head, and - [Slumly removes table
skirt to reveal him underneath] Oh dammit!
Uhm, Orca whale, attack!
Scumly and Frumly turn around expecting DOGS
FRUMLY
PSHHHHHH [swings crowbar at nothing]
GODMIC
I, I don’t have an Orca. I live alone. This
is embarrassing please leave.
SLUMLY
We’re not leaving here without the loot
that we came for!
GODMIC
I don’t have much to offer.
SLUMLY
You live in a mansion.
GODMIC
Tis’ but a hologram.
LAZERS POWERING DOWN
sound plays.
FRUMLY
Oh, we’re just in a middle of a field.
GODMIC
Yeah, I blew all my money on the hologram.
Enjoy the grass. HA! HA!
HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so lonely…
LIGHTS DOWN
Scat-Like Reflexes
LIGHTS UP on a doctor’s office.
DOCTOR
Alright, we’re gonna test your reflexes now.
DOCTOR goes to hit the patient’s knee. He dodges it. He keeps trying
to hit the knee. Keeps dodging it.
PATIENT
[Smugly] They’re pretty good.
LIGHTS DOWN.
READY? YOU’RE GAY!
LIGHTS UP on rwo Cheerleaders.
MARK and MATT
Ready? Ok! Cubs are hot, dynamite! Cubs are hot,
dynamite! Cubs are tick tick tick tick tick tick
tick tick Boom dynamite! [MARK hip checks MATT too
hard and
knocks him down]
MARK
Ready?
MATT
OK!
MARK
Let’s do the siren! Let’s do the siren!
MARK lifts MATT on his shoulders like a potato sack and spins
her around while she shouts “CUBS, CUBS, CUBS!” MARK makes siren
noises.
MATT
Break!
MOONLIGHT SONATA
plays for 14 seconds. Both watch
They sit down.
game glumly (nice vocab Taxi) until..
GODMIC
TOUCHDOWN CUBS!
The crowd goes wild and the two cheerleaders spring up and the
noise stops.
MATT & MARK
READY? OK! Feel the ground shake beneath your
feet! We’re the cubs we can’t be beat! Towers
crumble, buildings fall. Now the cubs will kick
the ball –
MATT
And get those extra points! And get those extra
points!
MARK
Point, get that extra point…
MATT
And get that extra point!
MARK
WOO I love football!
MATT
Best day of my life!
MOONLIGHT SONATA
plays for a while. Both
glum until the music stops.
They sit down and
GODMIC
And the Cubs get that extra point!
Matt and Mark spring up.
MATT & MARK
Ready? Ok! Ra-ra-ree, kick em’ the knee! Ra-rarass, kick em’ in the other knee!
MARK
Ravens take a hit!
MATT
It’s time for them to quit!
MARK
So get on you knees and suck our tits!
MATT & MARK
Just kidding![Do arm thing]. Just kidding Mrs.
Johnson! Just kidding! Sorry Mrs. Johnson! [Short
beat] Go Cubs!
MOONLIGHT SONATA
PLAYS again. Matt pulls out a gun, Mark begins
They sit down.
tying up a noose. MINDY, a third cheerleader enters. She and
MATT hoist MARK up so he can reach something to tie the noose
around, and they can drop him so his fucking neck snaps like a
good noose.
GODMIC
INTERCEPTION! Cubs take the ball!
Music stops, crowd cheers, Matt and Mark get
pumped up again. MINDY runs off cheering
MATT & MARK
Ready? OkGODMIC
Oh! But the ref threw the flag and it looks like
the Ravens will get the ball back!
MOONLIGHT SONATA plays
again. MATT puts the gun in his fucking mouth. MARK
approaches the noose.
GODMIC
Ravens score a touchdown and that’s the game!
Ravens win!
Music stops. Matt and Mark are left there sad.
MATT
So… see you at the game next week?
MARK
Ok.
Music starts playing again, they walk off slowly. Matt turns
around and taps Mark on the shoulder and points off the stage.
MATT
One last cheer?
MARK nods at him.
MATT & MARK
Hot dog man, in a hot dog costume, you deserve
more than minimum wage!
LIGHTS DOWN!
Bandit, Janet, I Love You.
LIGHTS UP
on a bunch of slow kids.
FLINTLOCKE
Hey Guys! Hope you’re enjoying the show so
far. We’re all a bit tired so we’re going
to stop playing characters for a little
while. A lot of you know me as Evan, but
around these parts I’m known as Flintlocke
Bangsley.
CHROME
And my parents named me Daniel, but my slow
kids name is Crater Cro-Magnum.
BOOM
And the wolves that raised meTAXI
Nobody calls you Michael, Boom. We just
named you after the only sound you could
make when we found you.
MOTOWN
The group named me Ol’ Locomotown Jive,
because I guess they thought I was an old
black man when I first joined.
SCOUT
And I’m Lady Scout SilFLINTLOCKE
Did you guys hear something?
CHROME
No, and I’m glad I didn’t.
TAXI
You might not know me by my slow kids name,
which is Taxi Cabaret, but you definitely
know me as the girl in the green jacket.
FLINTLOCKE
I know what you’re thinking, how did we get
these names, and why is that one gnawing on
his shoulder?
Boom is gnawing on his shoulder.
FLINTLOCKE
We’ll answer the more worrisome question
first: it’s because he was raised by wolves
and that is the only way he cleans himself.
CHROME
The other question demands a more involved
answer and honestly, it would be easier to
just demonstrate. Can we get a volunteer
from the audience who would like their very
own Slow Kids name?
TAXI
Spencer, you need to stay in the tech
booth, I’m sorry.
FLINTLOCKE
Scout, go pick someone from the crowd.
We put lots of confidence in Scout. We give her a lot
of responsibility. She trips down the stairs.
CHROME
Don’t help her. She does that. Actually,
Motown you can go grab somebody.
Motown goes to grab somebody and brings them up
onstage.
TAXI
Scout, just because you fell doesn’t mean
you can’t come back up onstage.
The fan sits in a chair and Scout comes back up.
FLINTLOCKE
Alright, first thing is first, what’s your
real name?
The fan answers.
FLINTLOCKE
Okay for the sake of the sketch you’re just
going to be Janet Mason.
MOTOWN
We’re not an improv group, we have to plan
everything out first.
SCOUT
Yeah, this is my line. Like what I’m saying
right now was prewritten. I have no choice
but to say it. Flintlocke is the best.
TAXI
Anyways, back to the topic at hand, what
did you say your name was, Janet Mason?
Perfect.
BOOM
Alright well the first part of the naming
process should be obvious.
All Slow Kids sniff the fan.
FLINTLOCKE
Yikes, I think we’ve got an idea for a
name: Stinky McButt.
SCOUT
That’s the one!
CHROME
We rarely go with the first suggestion. The
last time we did that we named a Slow Kid
“Dylan Geswelli”
MOTOWN
Part two of the process, do you have any
STD’s? You can whisper it, we wont tell
anyone.
All slow kids lean in to hear what they might whisper.
TAXI
That’s a weird one.
FLINTLOCKE
Although “The Clap” does have a nice ring
to it.
BOOM
What’s The Clap?
Motown whispers in his ear.
BOOM
And we’re standing this close to her?
MOTOWN
Yes.
Motown pulls out rubber gloves and puts them on.
MOTOWN
The next step is to do pushups, so we can
try to understand your physicality.
TAXI
I didn’t pass this one.
CHROME
Is that why you’re named after a car?
MOTOWN
I thought she was named that because Boom
is always chasing her, barking.
TAXI
He grew out of that!
SCOUT
Anyways, don’t worry Janet. We’ll do them
with you, from back here.
Slow Kids line up behind the Fan. All get in push up
form and wait for the Fan to do it as well. Slow Kids
get up, don’t do any, and make funny faces behind the
person like “don’t tell the fan that we lied!”
FLINTLOCKE
Okay, well the good thing is that you don’t
need to be strong to have a name.
Just ask the old Slow Kid “Wimpy
LittleDick” He’s here tonight! (points to
Pluto) He didn’t like the name so he forced
us to call him Pluto.
BOOM
And to be fair, Pluto is the wimpiest of
the planets.
SCOUT
We still haven’t come up with a name!
TAXI
Good point, should we just give her that ol
throw away name we’ve used before?
BOOM
Lady Scout Silverado?
TAXI
Yeah, that’s the one.
SCOUT
I feel like we’ve used that one recently.
CHROME
Yeah, and “Lady Scout Silverado” sounds
like an uncoordinated bitch.
FLINTLOCKE
Alright, let’s get to the final part of the
naming process.
Flintlocke punches Boom in the stomach and a piece of
paper pops out of his mouth. Flint picks it up and
reads it.
FLINTLOCKE
Looks like your Slow Kids name is… George
Lawrence.
CHROME
Sometimes you get a dud.
LIGHTS DOWN.
FIRST DOWN SYNDROME.
LIGHTS UP
on a football game. Three football players
are on-stage.
PEYTON
Blue, sassafrass, sassafrass, set, hike!
PEYTON drops back in the pocket. ELI runs out and
ARCHIE covers him.
MADDEN (GOD MIC)
Carroll drops back in the pocket, looking
for Duquette deep –
PEYTON passes to ELI. He makes the catch, and ARCHIE
tackles him.
MADDEN
And the pass is complete, but Duquette is
taken down immediately by Nolan.
MICHAELS (GOD MIC)
Let’s deconstruct that play, Jim. Here’s
another look.
All players return to their starting positions. Do the
same shit again.
MICHAELS
Now right here is when Duquette breaks free.
Freeze at a certain part. We’ll figure it out later. A
slow kid runs out holding a bright yellow circle made
of cardboard and frames ELI in it.
MADDEN
But you really wanna direct your attention
to Nolan here.
Nothing happens.
MADDEN
Can... can you erase yours?
The circle moves to ARCHIE.
MICHAELS
What’s Nolan doing correctly here?
MADDEN
Not a whole lot, playing some bad football.
I just wanted to use the marker! Check this
out.
Slow Kid on stage drops circle. Pulls out one side of
a bright yellow moustache and holds it up to ARCHIE’S
face, then the other half.
MADDEN
Have you ever wondered what that would look
like?
MICHAELS
Sure have, Jim. Sure have.
MADDEN
Well what about this?
Slow Kid on stage drops moustage and pulls out a
yellow hat and holds it above ARCHIE’S head.
MICHAELS
Give me the pen, Jim.
MADDEN
I was gonna draw a donger on him next!
Slow Kid pulls out one yellow line.
MICHAELS
Jim!
Slow Kid drops yellow line.
MICHAELS
Alright, well, let’s look at this play from
another angle.
All football players return to their starting
positions, except their backs are turned to the
audience. They run the play.
MICHAELS
Alright, well that was a terrible angle.
MADDEN
Yeah it’s like in a porno when –
MICHAELS
Jim!
MADDEN
Alright, fine, let’s go back to the
original angle.
Players go back to how it was in the start.
PEYTON
Blue, sassafrass, sassafrass –
MADDEN
Did ya hear that, Steve? Let’s back it up.
PEYTON
Ass.
MADDEN
One more time.
PEYTON
Ass.
MADDEN
Let’s loop that.
MADDEN
Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass.
MICHAELS
Jim, stop dancing. Let’s continue the play.
PEYTON
Assafrass, set, hike!
MADDEN
[As Eli is getting tackled] Let’s see if he
breaks the tackle.
MICHAELS
Jim, you know what’s gonna happen, this is
our third time watching it.
MADDEN
Wrong again, Steve! It’s our fourth. And I
wasn’t even paying attention, so let’s see
number five.
All players return to original positions, but Eli is
slightly different.
MICHAELS
Jim, I don’t think Duquette was standing
like that before.
ELI winks and points up to God, then goes back to his
normal postion.
MICHAELS
Always a jokester, that Duquette.
MADDEN
Boy, would he be fun to have in the locker
room.
MICHAELS
Speaking of which, let’s check out our
Tostitos Fiesta Locker Room cam to see
what’s going on in there.
Lights dim, on the
projector is a
spinning 3D Tostitos
logo, sounds of
explosions, a guy
going “TOSTITOS
FIESTA LOCKER CAM”
Lights back up on an
empty stage.
MICHAELS
Oh wait, it’s the middle of the game.
Nobody’s in here.
MADDEN
Wait a second, what’s that?
COOPER, a janitor, walks on sweeping.
MADDEN
Let’s see that again.
COOPER goes back to the start and walks on again,
sweeping.
MICHAELS
Alright, I think we all enjoyed that. Thank
you, Tostitos! Let’s get back to the game.
Lights dim, Tostitos
back up while players
re-take their
positions
.
MADDEN
And we’re back, for those of you just
joining us, let’s watch this play again,
but in reverse.
Players run everything in reverse, but instead of the
normal quarterback line, PEYTON says…
PEYTON
[all disjointed like a record playing
backwords] All hail, Satan, Satan, tonight.
MICHAELS
Did ya hear that Jim?
MADDEN
Yep! Now, we’ve really just been giving you
a general glossing over of this play. Let’s
take it real slow and see what we can find.
Repeat the play in slow motion, with an added Slow Kid
laying in the back, pointing a rifle.
MICHAELS
Really take a look at Carroll’s footwork
here, it’s as close to perfect as you can
get.
MADDEN
Perfect as this fine day in Dallas, Texas
here at Dealey Plaza. Real lucky the
president chose today to visit. Speaking
of, you can see his motorcade passing by
just outside the stadium.
MICHAELS
Say, Steve, what’s going on over at the 30
yard line there.
MADDEN
It looks like there’s a gunman there on the
grassy knoll.
MICHAELS
Oop, there’s the tackle…
MADDEN
And there’s the bullet.
MICHAELS
The play is dead…
MADDEN
…and so is Kennedy.
MICHAELS
Real shame there. Say, Jim, how long have
we been playing this replay?
MADDEN
About 52 years.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Rugbrats
LIGHTS UP
on two kids all tucked in or rather, still
being tucked in by their dad and mom.
TIM
Ok boys, I’m sorry but this is gonna be
your new sleeping arrangement for the next
month. You cousin Jessica need a place to
stay.
ANNIE
Why is she even staying with us? She smells
like pits!
KEVIN
I think she smells like flowers.
ANNIE
Aw gross dude! What, you got a boner for
you cousin?
KEVIN
I do not, I don’t get boners, I’m seven!
[They start flicking each other and say “frick”]
CINDY
Boys! Boys! Stop fighting! Now, Mitchell,
you’re the older brother so act like it!
And Tommy? You ate all your broccolii today
so very good job! I’m proud of you!
ANNIE
What? What the heck? You never yell at him
for anything!
Kevin slaps himself.
KEVIN
Ow! Mitchell hit me.
ANNIE
What? You’re such a dick, this family
blows! [he hides under covers]
CINDY
Mitchell! Come out from under there.
TIM
Well, I mean, we are trying to put them to
bed so maybe we shoukd just leave him
there? Mitchell? You good in there?
ANNIE
GRRRRRRRR.
TIM
You good lil tyke?
ANNIE
GRRRRRR…
TIM
You good buddy?
ANNIE
[Childish voice] Yeah, I’m good dad.
TIM
Ok boys, get some sleep. And watch out, I
checked the weather report and it looks
like theres a WAFFLE STORM in tomorrow
mornings forecast!
[The boys pop up happy and gasps, look at each other,
GROWN, and go back under the covers.
CINDY
Goodnight boys!
Parents leave and
lights dim.
Tommy
shuffles around for a bit and makes mouth noises.
ANNIE
Shut up! Stop making so much noise with you
mouth Tommy, what are you sucking a dick?
KEVIN
I am not! You’re the only one here so if I
was it’d be yours!
ANNIE
AW barf! You’re my brother stop talking
about my dick!
Long Beat.
KEVIN
Uhm, Mitchell? Mitchell? mitchell? [starts
poking him]
ANNIE
WHAT! What do you want Tommy?
KEVIN
Uh, I actually have a question about that
whole dick word. Just for claripication,
the dick is a penis? Or...the balls?
ANNIE
Oh my gosh! The dick is the penis because
the balls are the balls. They hold our pee.
KEVIN
Awm gross!
ANNIE
Not as gross as you, asscream!
They look at each other and GROWN.
Beat.
KEVIN
Mitchell? Mitchell, can you put on some
socks, your feet are freezing.
ANNIE
No they’re not. You don’t even know what
freezing is.
KEVIN
Yes I do! Your feet feel like you put em’
in the lake.
ANNIE
What does that even mean Tommy? Lake
Montauk is plenty warm, and if I put my
feet in the lake they would be warm too!
KEVIN
Yeah, but they’re touching my feet.
ANNIE
Ew gross! What are you trying to do, play
footsie with me? First you’re trying to
suck my dick now you’re trying to touch my
feet? Do you have a crush on me like you
have a big fat crush on cousin Jessica?
KEVIN
I don’t have a crush on Jessica! I have a
crush on my math partner, Lindsay. We
kissed behind the baseball diamond last
tuesday.
ANNIE
You had your first kiss before me? I’m a
freshman in high school. I bet you don’t
even know what kissing is.
KEVIN
Yeah huh! I know what it is!
ANNIE
Oh yeah? Then show me on your teddy bear.
Tommy pulls out bear and holds it out to the side that
Tommy can’t see.
KEVIN
[whisper] I’m so sorry Teddy, he’s forcing
me. [holds bear’s butt to ear] Uh huh, uh
huh, yeah.
ANNIE
What are you doing?
KEVIN
Teddy is talking to me. Shhh.
ANNIE
Through his butthole?! C’mon Tommy just
show me what you did!
KEVIN
Ok, fine [starts licking teddy bears face]
JESSICOUSIN enters.
JESSICOUSIN
What the heck are you doing?
KEVIN
Oh hey cousin jessica! I’m teaching
Mitchell
JESSICOUSIN
Oh. Good luck. [starts to exit, but turns
around] Actually, do you guys want some
help?
KEVIN
YEAH!
ANNIE
I knew you had a crush on her asspaste!
C’mon Jessica, let’s get out of here.
MOTORCYCLE
SOUND plays.
They exit.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Poop, There it Is
Lights up
on a bunch of dancers, backs to the audience]
Everyone is doing mini hip pop thing. Each person does
foot cross and spin thing consecutively. Everyone
moonwalks, then does running man. Running man into a
straight line then do left to right ripple.
One guy gets way too vulgar and starts spanking the
air. Everybody reels him in. Everyone has hands up
trying to calm him down, then they use their hands to
mime the box that he is trapped in. The keep making it
smaller and smaller until he bursts out.
Hopefully now it's the chorus, on every "whoop" we
pretend to shoot a basketball and on every "there it
is" we point in different directions.
Everyone gets in a circle to break dance. They shove
one person in, he's really nervous and doesn't want to
do it. They shove another guy in, he tries to do a
handstand but just smashes his face into the ground.
Vulgar guy gets in and goes crazy again. Someone runs
up to him, grabs his shirt like he's going to yell at
him, but then just pulls him beneath his legs. There's
a long line of people that all jump over him.
Chorus again, same thing as before.
For the "hoo shaka laka" part all pelvic thrust on
every "hoo" and do Taxi's truck horn move.
Everyone gets in a small compact line like someone's
gonna jump over them. They're crouching. Someone goes
to jump over them, but he just lands on their backs.
They spin him around.
Chorus again, same as before, but one person is very
out of breath. All point at one single audience member
on "there it is". Get closer and closer to him through
chorus.
Long ass shimmy when that guy is yelling.
Vulgar guy goes totally insane. Removes shirt and has
"titties" written on his chest. He gets choked to the
beat. Then at the "can you dig it" part, everyone
mimes burying him. He wakes up while they're burying
him. Someone goes over to him and kicks him in the
head. Then they all roll him into a grave and cover
him in dirt. Everyone prays for him, but then prayer
hands turn into dancing hands.
At chorus everyone walks over to once side of the
stage and instead of pointing on every "there it is"
they do the sign of the cross.
One person stands over the body and resurrects him.
They do a marionette routine.
When the drums come back in everyone surrounds the
monster pointing to it on "there it is". They totally
surround him then burst into thriller dance.
MUSIC STOPS.
GODMIC
Thank you to Ms. Maple's third grade class.
I'm not sure what that had to do with our
Christmas pageant, but it was touching
nonetheless. Up next, 4th grader Jimmy
Brewer explains why it's a bad idea to look
for Santa in your chimney.
JIMMY enters. He's wearing a tie that's way too short
for him and pants that are way too big. His face is
covered with soot. Jimmy takes center stage. He holds
a piece of paper with his speech on it. JIMMY coughs.
LIGHTS DOWN
Joe Cameltoe.
LIGHTS UP
on a man smoking a cigarette. A second man
walks up.
THIRD MAN
Can I bum a cigarette?
FOURTH MAN
Sure. [Hands him a ciggy]
THIRD MAN throws it down and stomps on it.
THIRD MAN
You shouldn’t be smoking these. They’re bad for you.
THIRD MAN exits
LIGHTS DOWN.
If It Wasn’t For You Diddling Kids
LIGHTS UP
on an old warehouse. The stage is empty
except for a large box propped up by a yardstick. The box is labeled
“Monster Candy” FRANK, wearing a monster mask, walks out, sees the box
and reacts excitedly and scurries underneath it. It falls on top of
him. A crew of teens rush out.
EN
We got him! The trap worked!
EN rips tape off the side of the box. The word “Candy”
was written on the tape. It reveals the word “Trap.”
STEIN
I’ll say, the town is finally safe from the
Electric Slider!
The box slightly slides.
‘S MONSTER
Quick! [Points to box.]
STEIN
Quick what, Crystal? He’s trapped in a box.
EN
He can’t get away! I designed it myself.
‘S MONSTER
You designed a box?
EN
I designed a trap.
‘S MONSTER
The trap was just a box.
EN
Then yeah I designed a box.
STEIN
Come on guys, let’s just get this guy
talking.
They go over and lift the box. FRANK is revealed to be
handcuffed, ankles tied and with a sack over his head.
‘S MONSTER
How did all that happen? Who did that?!
EN
Good box.
STEIN
Come on guys, focus. Let’s see once and for
all who has been sliding through the
shadows, kidnapping senior citizens as he
goes!
EN
I’ll say! This town is fresh out of
spinsters.
‘S MONSTER
Yeah! And no one’s been to the bingo hall
in weeks!
STEIN
Come on guys. Let’s see who’s under that
sack.
They rip the sack off.
‘S MONSTER
[gasp] The Electric Slider!
STEIN
Come on, Crystal. You knew that.
EN
Let’s see who’s under that mask!
Rip off mask. It should be an old person but it’s
gonna be a slow kid wearing an old man’s wig.
‘S MONSTER
[gasp] A sack!
FRANK
Don’t call me that!
‘S MONSTER
A sack that can speak! [Pulls out gun and
points it.]
EN
Crystal! Crystal! [Puts out arms to stop
her from shooting.] We’ve solved so many
mysteries together, when were you gonna
tell us that you have a gun?
‘S MONSTER
It’s just for self-defense. [Notices sack
on the floor.] Ah! [points gun at sack]
Another sack! We’re surrounded!
STEIN
Crystal, put the gun down.
‘S MONSTER put the gun down too close to FRANK who
starts to reach for it with his handcuffed hands. ‘S
MONSTER starts to slowly place it in his hands.
EN
Nope, nope. Anywhere but there.
‘S MONSTER slowly points the gun at EN.
EN
Still no. Hhm, Crystal, where’d you get the
license for that?
‘S MONSTER slowly takes out another gun, which she
slowly points at her own head. DRACULA, a copper,
enters.
DRACULA
You kids catch another – [sees this fucked
up situation.] WOOAH. CRYSTAL. NOT COOL.
‘S MONSTER turns gun back to the sack.]
‘S MONSTER
Tryna distract me, eh?
STEIN
Come on guys, let’s settle this. [Throws
sack off stage.]
‘S MONSTER
He’s getting away! [runs after it]
DRACULA
What are you kids doing with Old Man
Wilkenson tied up like that?
FRANK, who has been asleep, wakes up suddenly.
FRANK
Huh?
EN
Look, Officer Davis! He was the Electric
Slider!
Holds up mask.
DRACULA
But that can’t be! I just caught the
electric slider!
WEREWOLF, another cop, walks out with another human in
the same mask.
STEIN
But who could that be?
They take off the mask and it’s ‘S MONSTER.
EVERYONE
Crystal?
‘S MONSTER
I’m just as confused as you guys, but I’m
pretty sure I did it. With my guns.
STEIN
But if you were the Electric Slider all
along, then who was he?
FRANK
Was that mask not just my glasses?
EVERYONE
Old Man Wilkenson! [laughs]
FRANK
Heh heh heh, now if you could please
excuse me, I’m going to return to my
search for monster candy.
LIGHTS DOWN.
Gummunist Manifesto
LIGHTS UP
on a middle school auditorium. There’s a
debate going on. There’s a debate going on. One kid is puking in a
bucket. One mops his brow with a towel.
REINHARDT
And the judges have deemed the last round a tie.
Again. And so we move into the fourth overtime of
the Linkin Park Middle School Junior Debate
Chamionship. As is protocol, the fourth overtime
calls for the implementation of the double bubble
rule.
SIMO
Oh god! (Starts to run off)
MARIN
No, Johnny! (grabs SIMO, who is his teammate) We
have to do this.
SIMO
But didn’t you hear him? He said trouble stubble!
MARIN
No, he actually said double bubble.
SIMO
OH. OH GOD. That’s even worse!
REINHARDT
Silence! Frist competitors, approach the podiums!
SIMO and JULIANNE approach the podiums.
REINHARDT
Debaters! Your topic is arts in the school. With
funding for our public schools falling over the
last few years, many schools, including this one,
have looked to cutting their arts programs as a
way to make room in their budgets—
MS. GALLO
But what will happen to my fingerpaints?
REINHARDT
Ms. Gallo, you should be more concerned with
losing your job than fingerpaints.
MS. GALLO
But what’s a job without fingerpaints?
REINHARDT
You’re in charge of 3 years worth of art
instruction, I hope you’re using more than just
fingerpaints. We bought you a loom.
SHIT CRASHING PLAYS.
MS. GALLO
Huh?? What? Sorry!
REINHARDT
Team A, you will be in defense of the arts
program. Good luck. Team B, you will be opposed.
And remember, the double bubble rule is in
effect, so when you hear the bell, you know what
to do. Team A, you may begin.
SIMO
To be, or not to be, that is not the question. It
is simply a quote, from Beowulf, if I’m not
mistaken. A work of art.
Ding plays.
Both students get really
nervous. Slowly reach into a bowl and grab a piece of duble
bubble gum and pop it into their mouth.
SIMO
You want to cut our arts programs in favor of
science? Well what has science shown us?
Ding.
Pop another gum.
SIMO
Science has shown us that art increases brain
development by 60% . According to a study b
Austrian scientist.
Ding.
Pop another gum. He starts struggling to speak
clearly.
SIMO
Heinrich von Schwartzen.
Double Ding plays
. They both
reach with both hands.
REINHARDT
No, no. Double bell means its time for the other
team to speak. Cmon guys, it’s the fourth
overtime. We’ve been doing this for hours, let’s
get with it.
JULIANNE
Well-
Double ding
. They look confused.
REINHARDT
Those two actually mean two pieces.
They both pop two pieces.
JULIANNE
America is falling fast bhind other countries in
the sciences and it is our—
Ding
. Pops gum.
JULIANNE
Patriotic—
WILD DINGING PLAYS
.
REINHARDT
You said tonight’s buzzword, “Patriotic”, which
means everyone has to pop three pieces of gum.
Triple bubble!
Everyone does, including REINHARDT. He looks half pissed at
the audiences.
REINHARDT
Everyone…
Throws bucket of gum at audience.
JULIANNE
As I was saying, it is our duty to remain
competitive in a global—
Ding
.
JULIANNE
Oh Jesus Christ.
Pops gum.
Other bell plays
.
SIMO
Oh what the hell does that mean?
REINHARDT
It means it’s time for partners to switch.
Debaters, you can spit your gum out—
They do, into their hands.
REINHARDT
And give it to your partners.
They hand massive wads to their respective partners, who
pop them in their mouths, and approach the podiums.
REINHARDT
Team A, you may proceed.
MARIN
Well, as I think my partner was gonna say…
Ding
.
MARIN
I can’t. I just can’t. (starts loosening his tie,
he’s calling quits.)
LINDY
I have only one point to make. (starts to blow a
bubble)
REINHARDT
Are you… blowing a bubble? This is unprecedented!
The other team is cheering through bubble gum mouths. She
starts blowing the bubble bu all of the gum just falls out
of her mouth. Everyone is stunned.
REINHARDT
Well, that is a disqualification for both teams
for this round, which means we will move into our
fifth overtime, which features the never-beforeseen, hitherto this point hypothetical hot wax
rule.
Slow LIGHTS DOWN
Ding
Rip
.
.
Someone screams.
.
Help I Need Some PUSSY
LIGHTS UP
on an audition. GLENALEE from Vengeance Hard
is running shit. Ms. Gallo from gummunist Manifesto is sitting with a
guitar.
GLENALEE
And that’s why I left that big Hollywood
production company.
MS. GALLO
I got fired fro, my old job too! At least
Linkin Park Middle School let me keep the
loom! What did you get to keep?
GLENALEE
My love for community theater! You must
share that love, which is why you’re here
to help me put on this production.
MS GALLO
No, I just walk around until someone tells
me to do something.
GLENALEE
No one told you to do this.
MS GALLO
Sorry.
GLENALEE
[Calls offstage] Alright can we get
everyone in here to audition for the big
group number at the end of the show?
FFP, JESSICA, S’MONSTER, and TENAKILL shuffle in.
GLENALEE
Excuse me, sir. I think you’re in the wrong
room, the auditions for A Streetbarrel
Named Desire are down the Hall.
TENAKILL
Oh no, I should be on your list. My # is
17.
GLENALEE
[Checks clipboard] Oh, I’m sorry... Pickle
Dick.
FFP
I’ve got some pickle-shaped fruits here!
Less green, much sweeter!
JESSICA
I’ll have one!
FFP
Jessica, what makes you think I’d serve one
of my delicious bananas to a bitch like
you?
FFP throws S’Monster a banana and she bites into it
with the peel on.
FFP
You’ve got to take the peel off!
TENAKILL
It’s like a second snack!
SMONSTER
Take it off? Like a villains mask! [Peels
the banana and gasps] A banana! [Takes a
huge bite]
GLENALEE
Alright guys, I only have this room
reserved for an hour, so let’s get to
singing this song. Everyone has their
parts?
Everyone holds up scripts. S’Monster holds up the
banana peel.
GLENALEE
Great, i’ll sing the first verse so you
know how it goes. Hit it, Ms. Gallo!
Ms Gallo hits the guitar once.
MS GALLO
I told you, I do what I’m asked!
MS GALLO starts playing “Help”
ALL
HELP! I need somebody! Help! Not just
anybody! Help! You know I need a robot
Buuuuuutler!
GLENALEE
When I was younger so much younger than
today, if you ever need any help you had to
pay. But now those days are gone, my best
friend’s made of tin, come with a power
switch and a cord to plug him in! [no
longer singing] Alright you’ve got the
beat. You’re up Pickle Dick,
TENAKILL
Help me if you can, I’m feeling down. I
tried to kill myself I didn’t drown.
GLENALEE
Those aren’t the words!
TENAKILL
I’m still stuck in my home that’s wood and
round. Won’t you please, please kill me.
GLENALEE
None of that was right, but I don’t want to
make you feel any more worse, so uh...you
did it! Alright, Crystal, you can take it
from here.
SMONSTER
A, B, C, DGLENALEE
Crystal, what are you doing?
SMONSTER
You said to sing?
GLENALEE
Yes, but we’re playing a different song.
SMONSTER
Got it. [Singing in tune] A, b, c, d, e, f,
g,h, iiiiiiii [everyone joins on the
“iiiiiii”] These will help me stop the bad
guys. [SMONSTER pulls out a two guns,
everyone ducks and the music stops]
GLENALEE
Noah woah woah! Crystal, not cool! We are
in a theater, put the guns down!
JESSICA
Yeah, c’mon Crystal, there’s no need for
guns.
GLENALEE
Okay Jessica I think we got it covered
thank you! [turns] She’s always butting
into things, I’m sorry. Ms Gallo? Where
were we before Jessica interrupted?
Ms Gallo starts playing
ALL
Won’t you please, please, help me.
STACKS
It seems like everybody thinks that I’m a
bitch MS GALLO
I do!
STACKS
Even this guy over here wants to throw me
in a ditch.
TENAKILL
It’s true! Cut her off!
MS GALLO
ALL I ever wanted was to play with finger
paints. But all the toxic fumes tend to
make me faint. Hel- [She faints]
TENAKILL
Ms Gallo? You okay? [Gallo wakes up]
MS GALLO
What? Sorry, sometimes I have to nap.
FFP
Help me if you can I need some money. I
haven’t seen a buck since I was twenty. I
need home and bath to put it bluntly. Won’t
you peel, peel, your bananas. [Hands
bananas out while guitar plays] Peel em’,
each one will cost you $500.
ALL
Oh, never mind never mind [they pass all of
the bananas to Jessica.
STACKS
Wait, I can’t pay for all of these. I’m
sorry!
TENAKILL
Well don’t buy something if you can’t pay
for it, Jessica! Hell! It’s simple
economics, even I know that! [Beat} Bring
us home Gale!
MS GALLO
My first name! [She starts playing]
ALL
Won’t you quit being a bitch, and pay this
man, ohhhhhh.
GLENALEE
Cut. Perfect! You know this whole time,
I thought Robot butlers were the answer,
but it’s not. The answer’s reallyFFP
Bananas?
MS GALLO
Fingerpaints?
TENAKILL
Pickle Barrels?
SMONSTER
Catching the crook?
STACKS
Being prom queen?
GLENALEE
No...actually no, its robot butlers. It’s
the best idea. Did you guys think covering
a Beatles song was gonna change my mind on
that? By the way, none of you are remotely
talented enough to belong on stage, but no
one showed up so you’ve all got a part.
[They all cheer and group hug]
MS GALLO
Oooh is that a banana in ya pants or are
ya just happy to see me?
FFP
It’s a banana. I’m a banana salesman.
LIGHTS DOWN
MOST VALUABLE PUSSY.
LIGHTS UP
on a recording studio. Switch leads two brave
gentleman onstage.
SWITCH
Thanks so much for coming in today
gentlemen. Still can’t believe we got the
two best announcers in baseball to be in MLB
MVP All-Stars 2013 A.D. presented by EA
sports.
NORM
Don’t mention it.
SCOOTER
Happy to be here. That’s the big one!
(points)
SWITCH
Great! Whipping out the catchphrases
already, I love it, but save some of that
for when we start recording. So if you can
have a seat by the mics, and we’ll get
started.
SCOOTER AND NORM sit down put on cool ass headphones
SWITCH
Lets’ just start with an introduction that
will play at the beginning of every game.
NORM
Hello everyone and welcome to another great
day at the ballpark. I’m Norm O’Neil, here
as always with Scooter WallaceSCOOTER
That’s the big one!
SWITCH
Actually Scoter if you could just finish he
introduction we’ll record all the fun quips
later!
SCOOTER
Oh, I see what you guys are doing here.
Lotta rules. This reminds me of my first
marriage!
NORM
Classic scoot!
SWITCH
Ok, uh, you can just go ahead and read the
words in front of you.
NORM
Oh! There’s a script! Hello everyone and
welcome to another great day at the
ballpark, I’m Norm O’Neil here as always
with Scooter Wallace.
SCOOTER
Great to be here Norm. Excited to watch
another matchup of bat-the-ball!
SWITCH
Good, good but you can just call it
baseball.
SCOOTER
You guys have the rights to that? Fancy
operation you got here.
NORM
Baseball!
SWITCH
Okay, let’s move on to different in-game
situations. So scoot, what would you say if
there’s someone on first.
SCOOTER
You got it. Dave Roberts stands on first
base after pinch running following a walk by
Kevin Millar on this cold October night. The
Red Sox season has come down to this, game
four of the ALCS-
SWITCH
Actually, we’re recording these for
simulated games. Not games that happened
years ago. So broad strokes would be
preferred.
NORM
I thought that was great Scoot, don’t listen
to him buddy.
SWITCH
Please do. Please listen to me. Now go
go ahead, whenever you’re ready.
SCOOTER
There is a man on first base. Not sure how
he got there. A man in a recording studio
just told me he was there. Maybe he fell
from the sky, or took a boat. That’s it.
There’s a naked man on first base and he
got there by boat!
NORM
And it’s the top of the 254th inning!
SWITCH
Okay I think we got what we needed. Now
just say “there’s a man on second base”
SCOOT
There’s a woman on second base!
SWITCH
I think we can edit around that. Now third
base?
SCOOT
There’s a chic getting fingerblasted by
Miguel Cabrera!
SWITCH
Wow, okay that’s enough.
NORM
Talk about getting to third on third, huh
Scoot!
SCOOT
Now that’ what I call some relief!
NORM
Bringing in the righty! (does hand motion)
SWITCH
I think you gave us some good syllables to
work with there. As well as Miguel
Cabrera’s name, which is good since he’s
our cover athlete. But Norm if you could
turn to page 3 of the script and start
reading the player names, just so we at
least have that.
NORM
You got it. Alex Rodriguez. Albert Pujols.
(whispering) Alfonso Soriano. Johnny
CUETTOO!!!!
SWITCH
Okay see how you kind of screamed at the
end there? We’re not really looking for
that. We need the names to be
interchangeable.
NORM
I see. I see. Here we go. David Ortiz
(super Asian) Ichirooo Suzukii! (totes
retarded) Justin Verlandeerrrrr. (Like an
Asian villain) SHIN-SHOO-CHOOOOOO (super
Spanish) Jeremy Giambi
SWITCH
Okay, I’m gonna stop you there. Not only
was that offensive but Jeremy Giambi is
neither Spanish, nor in the league anymore.
SCOOTER
Who is this little twerp who thinks he
knows baseball better than us? I didn’t
take balls to the face for fifteen years to
listen to this!
SWITCH
That’s not a part of baseball!
SCOOTER
It is for the Cincinnati Reds!
SWITCH
What does that mean?! Can we just record
some catchphrases?
SCOOTER
Now we’re talking!
NORM
Here we go, Scoot!
SWITCH
Whenever you’re ready!
SCOOT
That’s the big one!
NORM
That ball looked like it took off from
LaGuardia!
SCOOT
Where’s Amtrak? Because that catcher just
got railroaded!
NORM
Get your bail money ready cause he was
caught stealing!
SCOOT
Maybe that concussion would have been worth
it if he had held onto the ball!
NORM
That’s how you make a foule pole your
bitch!
SCOOT
Egad! Dusty Baker is dead!
NORM
Inside the park titties!
SCOOT
Woop! Woop! Wallabaloo!
NORM
That’s a California three way if I ever saw
one!
SCOOT
Football football!
NORM
Turn off the video game and go outside!
That’s why they call him the Jew of Kansas
city!
SCOOT
Rghrghrghrghrghrgh
NORM
(growls like puppy dog)
SCOOT
(lazer noises)
(they both devolve into just making noises
for a while until they calm down)
NORM
…… And that will end the inning.
SWITCH
Wait, that’s actually good, keep going..
SCOOT
Well it’s the middle of the seventh and
Norm you know what that means!
NORM
That’s right Scoot, time for the seventh
inning poopy poopy fart fart!
SWITCH
Okay we actually did need that line.
LIGHTS DOWN.