Edward Abbey/
Mountain Lion
Weeds & Roses
Roses!
• Hooray! We’re analyzing & analyzing
accurately!
• Great use of noticing shifts as a way to
organize your essay
• Mention of transcendentalism-- perfect
allusion for this piece!
• Conclusions were so much better!
Weeds– things to work on; focal points for next
week’s AP Write!
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Making solid transitions
Enhancing Intros (Possibly)
Adding some Voice
Improving thoroughness
Transitions (around shifts)
** Use a time transition
** Form a new paragraph at each shift (I had a lot of people not do
this, so I must not have made this clear!)
** Topic sentence should give an overview of the entire section.
Which one?
Abbey starts with saying he feels “more wonder than fear” when he
encounters a mountain lion.
or
Abbey starts with an anecdote of an enounter he had years ago with a
mountain lion.
** Use commas with transitions
First, Abbey…
Then, he…
Finally, he
Decent use of shiftsAbbey begins with a flashback…
Abbey then shifts to a present-day anecdote…
Abbey ends his piece with a philosophical reflection…
**Shifts, transitions, moves to, changes to, starts,
ends, in the ___ paragraph, on line ___
Rosy Transitions
Even better-• Although most of the piece is written in the present tense,
Abbey first uses a flashback to show the lasting
impression that the A Canyon has made on him.
• After using the flashback of the mountain lion, Abbey
returns to his current visit to the Canyon. What he
experiences may be different than his encounter with the
mountain lion, but nonetheless, it is again special to him.
• At the end of his essay, Abbey leaves the descriptions of
his physical explorations behind and instead chooses to
explore a broader realm-- the philosophical meaning of
nature.
• Abbey continues his essay by personally escorting the
reader through the canyon with his vivid details and
outdoor knowledge.
Transitions
Next week’s goal-1) Organize by breaks
2) Try to use a more sophisticated
transition by mentioning the last
section and entering into the new one.
Work on intros:
• Most people are starting with a bullet
thesis. This is fine.
• Beware of the “hook,” which can sound
rather cliche.
• There are so many places in the
world to explore.
• Everything is from nature.
• The natural world is in many ways
unknown.
Intro Idea #1:
** Only use a hook if you directly connect it to the passage
and to the thesis.
Example: In our society today, it seems as if nature often
eludes us among our concrete skyscrapers and modern
technology. Although humanity has distanced
themselves from it, nature can always be discovered and
acknowledged. ** In this passage, Edward Abbey
conveys his experiences and enthusiasm for the
Aravaipa Canyon to expose the mystery and beauty of
the natural world using imagery.
• Example: In our society today, it seems as if
nature often eludes us among our concrete
skyscrapers and modern technology.
Although humanity has distanced themselves
from it, nature can always be discovered and
acknowledged. Edward Abbey describes his
day in Aravaipa Canyon as just that– a
pilgrimage to “enrich the urban days to
come.” In this passage, Edward Abbey
conveys his experiences and enthusiasm for
the Aravaipa Canyon to expose the mystery
and beauty of the natural world.
Intro Idea #2
Better yet, change the order & intro
using an example or powerful word
choice from the passage.
•Edward Abbey describes his day in Aravaipa
Canyon as a spiritual pilgrimage to “enrich
the urban days to come.” Our world may be
focused around concrete skyscrapers and
technology which distances ourselves from
nature, but Abbey conveys his experiences
and enthusiasm for the Aravaipa Canyon to
argue that the mystery and beauty of the
natural world is redemptive and powerful.
Just as Thoreau had Walden Pond,
Edward Abbey has the Aravaipa
Canyon. Edward Abbey writes this
passage from Down the River to show
his love and respect for the Aravaipa
Canyon.
Intro idea #3–
Go full circle
• Leave space before your thesis.
• Finish essay.
• Take your last idea in your conclusion
and insert it creatively into your intro.
Example:
For a city slicker like Edward Abbey, he needed a place
of sanctuary, of refuge, and of “redemption.” To him,
Av Canyon was his saving grace in a concrete world.
It is for this reason that he fashioned his essay “Down
the River” about the A canyon with such love, respect,
and admiration, thereby encouraging and inspiring his
readers to experience the transcendence and mystery
that nature has to offer.
To work on: VOICE!
• Now that you are finding the cow and feeling
a little more comfortable with analysis, find
your voice!
• Find--and use--your voice! Relax your voice.
• When AP Graders are reading, they’ve heard
1,000 sentences just like this:
• Abbey’s anecdote about his encounter with the mountain
lion shows his awe and respect for nature.
• Imagine how you would tell you mom about this
incident--excited, engaged, etc.
Roses-- Examples of Voice
Although this cat could run at him with lightning speed
and ferocious fury, Abbey still felt as if it was worth
risking his life to be able to experience the feeling of
looking straight into the large eyes of nature, to
experience and connect with this overwhelmingly
dominating environment.
I often hike, and I hike in mountain lion territory. This
scares me to the point where I will carry rocks in my
pockets. But Abbey experiences the sheer opposite.
His encounter is one of tranquility and respect. While
my attitude is man versus nature-- survival, his is
man with nature-- communion.
Examples of Voice/
imitate the writer’s voice
When Abbey is in touch with nature, he is in his
own mystery world, his own personal Walden
Pond.
Abbey views nature as a haven from the
urbanized, concrete life of humanity. Nature
is humanity’s get-away-- a place in one is
able to transcend.
Examples of Voice
• Imagine how you would tell your mom about this
incident--excited, engaged, etc.
• Imitate the tone/attitude of the piece– if it is
humorous, add humor; cynical– add cynicism;
poetic– add poetic devices. How would you imitate
Abbey’s passage?
• Be “a mind at work,” be into the passage, react to it
Using I occasionally (an if appropriate) can add a
nice touch to your analysis.
Use stylistic touches
• This is NOT creative writing, so do NOT get
carried away. Do not be cheesy
• Touches include:
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•
•
•
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Analogies
Personification
Allusions
Strong word choice
Varied sentence structure
** A 7 is a 6 with a magical moment or a 6 that is
really thorough.
Time to pass back essays & read a few
more roses.
Check your thoroughness
• First, let’s create common breaks so that we can
better discuss the passage.
• You had good thesis statements and did a nice job
having your analysis return to your thesis.
• If and when you start to feel repetitive, think
about SYNONYMS!!
• Next slide= thoroughness & synonyms!
Check your thoroughness
• Abbey begins the passage using an
anecdote of an encounter with a
mountain lion.
• “years before”- he still remembers (lasting memory)
• WC-- “mutual curiosity,” “more wonder than fear,”
“big cat,” curiousity, wonder, awe, respect)
• Magical WC-- “gloom,” “twilight,” “melted,” “peered”
(mysterious, mystical, awesome, surreal)
• Loss of time-- “a minute or perhaps five”
(enveloping, appreciation, wonder, awe)
Re-write the mountain lion section
using these sentence starters
While...
It is interesting to note...
Even…
Just like…
The reader can…
Abbey seems...
I…
Instead of...
Abbey begins the passage using an anecdote of an
encounter with a mountain lion. While most people
would be scared out of their wits ( I know I would be!),
Abbey seems calm and collected as he and the “big cat”
“peer” at one another. His word choice sets up feelings
of respect and “mutual curiosity” rather than fear,
dominance, and survival. Even the way he describes
the encounter at “twilight” and “through the gloom”
adds to the magical--even mystical-- aura. Instead of
the mountain lion or him running away, there is a
relaxed exchange of “a minute or five” before the cat
“melt[s] away. It was clearly an amazing experience
for Abbey to experience this connection with nature at
its finest and to re-tell his story in this essay!
Present day anecdote
• Return to the canyon
• Jargon-- wildlife, tracks (Knowledge, appreciation)
• Comparison of the pigs to us (connection with
nature); comment on humanity compared to nature-”if not so dangerous”
• “Full of life as it is beautiful”
• Imagery- water, stars, nightfall, arid climate, cold air
(observant, appreciative, fully present)
• Time reference “seems alarmingly short” & short
sentence “it is” (time flies when you’re having fun)
Philosophical reflection
• Allusion to Thoreau (philosophical, reflective,
transcendent, appreciative)
• Refutes Fuller quotation (philosophical, reflective)
• Paradox-- “comprehensible” in part but worth the
effort; “not a problem but a mystery” (reflective)
• Repetition of never (passionate, emphatic,
appreciative)
• Juxtaposition-- small, trivial, useless, precious
(insightful, appreciative)
• “redemption”-- spiritual, meaning of life (spiritual,
holy)
Focal points for next week’s AP Write
1)
2)
3)
4)
Analyze accurately & thoroughly (90/90’s, SOAPST,
shifts)
Constantly be asking yourself-- Why? Why does
the author use ______? Why does he appeal in
that way? What impact was he going for? How
would the recipient audience react? Why does he
put this first, and second, …last? And be
INTERESTING/ insightful as you do this!
When organizing by breaks, make your transitions
smoother by adding analysis. Try to tie the
paragraphs/ order together.
Relax your voice/ find your voice! Be engaged with
the passage. Take a risk and be stylistic.
(Especially in conclusion and possibly in the intro).