www.enthusiasticlife.net
DrAnneenthusiasticLife
Dr MargiAnne Isaia, MD MPH PCC-T
SET
Family Communication
PART
5
COMMUNICATION
Communication is concerned with the delivery and reception of verbal and nonverbal
information between family members.
It includes skills in exchanging patterns of information within the family system.
Communication is the third dimension in the Circumplex Model, besides flexibility and
cohesion, and is considered a facilitating dimension.
In general, positive communication skills are seen as helping couple and family systems
facilitate and maintain a balance on the two dimensions.
Conversely, poor communication impedes movement in the Unbalanced systems and
increases the chances these systems will remain extreme.
COMMUNICATION
Couple and family communication is measured by focusing on the family as a group with
regard to their listening skills, speaking skills, self-disclosure, clarity, continuity tracking,
respect and regard.
In terms of listening skills, the focus is on empathy and attentive listening
Speaking skills include speaking for oneself and not speaking for others
Self disclosure relates to sharing feelings about self and the relationship
Tracking is staying on topic
Respect and regard relate to the affective aspects of the communication and problem
solving skills in couples and families
COMMUNICATION
Balanced types of couples/families will have more positive communication
compared to unbalanced systems.
Good communication skills require a high level of self-awareness.
By becoming more aware of how others perceive you, you can adapt more
readily to their styles of communicating.
COMMUNICATION
STYLES
1.Clear and Direct
It is the healthiest form of communication and occurs when the message is stated
plainly and directly to the appropriate family member.
An example is when a father, disappointed about his son failing to complete his
chore, states, “Son, I'm disappointed that you forgot to take out the trash today
without my having to remind you.”
2. Clear and Indirect
The message is clear, but it is not directed to the person for whom it is intended.
Using the previous example, the father might say, “It's disappointing when people
forget to complete their chores.”
COMMUNICATION
STYLES
3. Masked and Direct
It occurs when the content of the message is unclear, but directed to the appropriate
family member. The father may say something like, “Son, people just don't work as
hard as they used to…”
4. Masked and Indirect
It occurs when both the message and intended recipient are unclear. In unhealthy
family relationships, communication tends to be very masked and indirect. An
example of this type of communication might be the father stating, “The youth of
today are very lazy….”
BASIC
COMMUNICATION
BEHAVIORS:
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make
people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control
tactics (anger).
Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met - and right now!
It will never work in a relationship.
The aggressive style is essential at certain times such as:
When a decision has to be made quickly;
During emergencies;
When you know you're right and that fact is crucial;
Stimulating creativity by designing competitions destined for use in training or to
increase productivity.
ELEMENTS OF
THE AGGRESSIVE
COMMUNICATION
Mottos and Beliefs
"Everyone should be like me."
"I am never wrong."
"I've got rights, but you don't."
Characteristics
Achieves goals, often at others' expense
Domineering, bullying
Patronizing
Condescending, sarcastic
ELEMENTS OF
THE AGGRESSIVE
COMMUNICATION
Verbal Cues
"You ought to …."
"Don't ask why. Just do it."
Verbal abuse
Effects
Provokes counter aggression, alienation from others, ill health
Wastes time and energy over supervising others
Pays high price in human relationships
Fosters resistance, defiance, sabotaging, striking back, forming
alliances, lying, covering up
Forces compliance with resentment
PASSIVE
COMMUNICATION
Passive communication is based on compliance and hopes to avoid
confrontation at all costs. In this mode we don't talk much, question even less,
and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat.
Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than
to stand up and be noticed.
PASSIVE
COMMUNICATION
Passiveness has its critical applications:
When an issue is minor;
When the problems caused by the conflict are greater than the conflict itself;
When emotions are running high and it makes sense to take a break in order to
calm down and regain perspective;
When your power is much lower than the other party's;
When the other's position is impossible to change for all practical purposes.
ELEMENTS
OF THE PASSIVE
COMMUNICATION
Mottos and Beliefs
"Don't express your true feelings."
"Don't make waves."
"Don't disagree."
"Others have more rights than I do."
Characteristics
Apologetic, self-conscious
Trusts others, but not self
Doesn't express own wants and feelings
Allows others to make decisions for self
Doesn't get what he or she wants
ELEMENTS
OF THE PASSIVE
COMMUNICATION
Verbal Cues
"You should do it."
"You have more experience than I do."
"I can't......"
"This is probably wrong, but..."
"I'll try..."
Monotone, low energy
Effects
Gives up being him or herself
Builds dependency relationships
Doesn't know where he or she stands
Slowly loses self esteem
Promotes others' causes
Is not well-liked
ASSERTIVE
COMMUNICATION
The most effective and healthiest form of communication is the assertive style. It's
how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact, giving us the
confidence to communicate without games and manipulation.
When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions.
We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship
and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed
beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us.
Surprisingly, assertive is the style most people use least.
ELEMENTS
OF THE ASSERTIVE
COMMUNICATION
Mottoes and Beliefs
Believes self and others are valuable
Knowing that assertiveness doesn't mean you always win, but that you handled
the situation as effectively as possible
"I have rights, and so do others."
Characteristics
Non-judgmental
Observes behavior rather than labeling it
Trusts self and others
Confident
Self-aware
Open, flexible, versatile
Playful, sense of humor
Decisive
Proactive, initiating
ELEMENTS
OF THE ASSERTIVE
COMMUNICATION
Verbal Cues
"I choose to..."
"What are my options?"
"What alternatives do we have?"
Effects
Increased self-esteem and self-confidence
Increased self-esteem of others
Feels motivated and understood
Others know where they stand
The assertive style is the one to strive for. Keep in mind that very few people are all
one or another style.
COMMUNICATION
BETWEEN PARENT
AND ADOLESCENT
Adolescents who perceived higher levels of open communication with their parents
reported better psychosocial adjustment than youth who perceived low levels of open
communication.
Fathers and mothers have different influences on adolescent boys’ and girls’
psychological health when communicating different topics.
Interventions could help parents by providing parents with a set of communication skills
to communicate effectively with their sons, and emphasizing appropriate topics for
mothers and fathers to communicate with their adolescent daughters and sons,
respectively.
FROM
CLASSICAL
AUTHOR
“Some parents do not understand their children and are not really acquainted with
them. There is often a great distance between parents and children. If the parents
would enter more fully into the feelings of their children and draw out what is in their
hearts, it would have a beneficial influence upon them”.
EGW AH 190.1
“Parents should encourage in their children a disposition to be open and frank with
them, to come to them with their difficulties and, when they are perplexed as to what
course is right, to lay the matter just as they view it before the parents and ask their
advice”.
EGW AH 191.2
FAMILY
REFLECTION
What communication style did your parents use in their interactions?
What is your style of communication with family members?
How could you describe your communication with children?
Who is the person you are more open in communicationg sensitive issues?
How do you appreciate the role of communication when a family member has a terrible
disease?
REFERENCES
Olson, D. H., Circumplex Model of Marital & Family Systems “Empirical Approaches
to Family Assessment”, special edition of the Journal of Family Therapy (1999)
Xiaoa, Z., Lib, X., & Bonita Stanton, B., Perceptions of parent–adolescent
communication within families: It is a matter of perspective, Psychology, Health &
Medicine Vol. 16, No. 1, January 2011, 53–65
http://www.onlinewbc.gov/docs/manage/comm_style.html
http://www.ext.vt.edu/pubs/family/350092/350092. Html
White, E. G., The Adventist Home