POWERFUL NON-DEFENSIVE COMMUNICATION
With Sharon Ellison
Introduction
The theory and techniques of “Powerful Non-Defensive Communication” (PNDC) are
dedicated to the belief that learning to communicate with non-defensive power is a crucial
key to our capacity for solving the majority of problems we face at home, work, and
community. She brings her cutting-edge theory together with a remarkable ability for
demonstrating practical, realistic, life-changing skills. For centuries, across lines of race,
class, and culture, we've used the "rules of war" as the infrastructure for verbal interactions.
Utilizing the work of scientists like Dr. Joseph LeDeux, Sharon Ellison demonstrates how this
traditional model of communication prompts us — at a physiological level — to have instant
defensive responses to the slightest provocation. Thus, quite pervasively, we are interacting
in ways that systemically create and accelerate conflict, even with those we love most. This
traditional model of communication not only has a profound effect on our personal
relationships, it also fosters countless power struggles in professional realms. Beyond that,
it creates seemingly insurmountable levels of alienation among diverse groups of people and
blocks our ability to resolve the most imperative issues we face in our local and global
communities. Sharon articulates in illuminating detail how this system of communication
works.
If we think of this traditional model for communication as a computer program, then instead
of continuing to use an outdated model, we can just get rid of it and get a new model.
Unfortunately, newer approaches to communication are often still "rooted" in the old model
and can inadvertently prompt defensiveness. The PNDC model is built entirely on nondefensive methods of communication, where each person can speak with clarity, power and
compassion without being dependent on others for cooperation. Because the process does
not require trying to control or manipulate others into responding in certain ways, it frees us
from power struggle. As a result, others often instantly drop their own defenses. Using
these skills, we can see a different side of human nature and create a different reality.
Plenary 1: The “War Model” of Communication
And Introduction of PNDC
Competitive bargaining and aggressive communication routinely evoke defensive responses
that are emotionally-laden. Defensive focus on gain/loss with a pre-assumed outcome,
concealing information, and turf protection all inhibit exploration of people’s real needs and
overlapping interests. This session explores the problem of defensiveness and the power of
non-defensive communication.
The “War Model” of Communication
Why defensiveness is so pervasive, it’s function
The physiology of defensiveness” victim mind set, blame game and other dynamics
The dynamics of power struggle
Common misuses of questions, statements and predictions
2013 Heartland Regional Conference of Mediators
Using a question to make a statement of own opinions, feelings, beliefs
Using a question to “entrap” another
Using statements to express own personal opinion as “universal truth”
Using statements to try to persuade other to agree with own feelings and beliefs
Threatening negative consequences in order to try to force others to comply
Predicting appeal consequences (bribes) to try to force others to comply
Shifting the Power Dynamics: comparison of the War Model and PNDC
The effects of Non-Defensive Communication
Separateness: each person maintains clarity of his or her own positions and avoids a
power struggle
Disarming: each person is likely to respond with openness and sincerity
Clarification: each person has opportunity to affirm, deny or qualify a position
Accountability: each person is accountable for what he or she says and does
Quantum leaps: each person has the opportunity to make leaps in personal growth
The tools of non-defensive communication
Questions
Nature: curious, open, innocent, neutral, inviting
Function: to gather information
Statements
Nature: open, vulnerable, direct, subjective, descriptive
Function: to provide information
Predictions
Nature: protective, foretelling, neutral, definitive, firm, dual in nature
Function: to provide security through predictability
2013 Heartland Regional Conference of Mediators
Plenary 2: The Use of Non-Defensive Questions
Questions can be used as weapons to interrogate others, increasing the conflict. Questions
can be asked in a way that turns them into statements that put others on the defensive.
This session describes ways to ask non-defensive questions to provide insight to more
clearly understand the perceptions of others.
Content Questions
Who, what, when, where, how and why
Inverting – turn another’s statement into a question
What do you mean – asking for clarification
Compare and contrast – opposites, variations, exceptions
Contradictions
Relation in time: past, present, future
First, second & third person: to gain perspective from different angles
Value, emotion, reason and behavior: what a person believes, feels, thinks, does
Process Questions
Asking about tone of voice and body language
Asking about a specific attitude (such as superiority or pessimism)
Asking about motivation and intention
2013 Heartland Regional Conference of Mediators
Plenary 3: The Use of Non-Defensive Statements
The adversarial model for communication is based on the transmission of “truth” to others.
Statements of opinion are made as statements of “Fact.” Disagreement is considered
misguided and is discredited. Persuasion may proceed from coaxing to coercion. This
session discusses the disarming effect of non-defensive statements to directly address
needs, desires and goals without suspicion, secret-keeping or domination.
Compare and contrast traditional methods with non-defensive methods
The dynamics of voice tone and body language
Four formats for a non-defensive statement
Overt messages: reporting what is heard
Covert messages: observations about what is seen
Interpreting cause or motive
Own reactions: thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behavior
2013 Heartland Regional Conference of Mediators
Plenary 4: The Use of Non-Defensive Predications
Predictions of dire consequences or rewards used to threaten or coax others to comply with
our will and dictate their choices increases defensiveness. The ensuing power struggle
erodes trust and undermines relationships. This session will discuss ways to neutralize the
power struggle through the use of non-defensive predictions that offer accurate and specific
information so others can make an informed choice. Non-defensive predictions define
boundaries and respect the right of others to make independent choices while holding
everyone accountable to foster a new kind of security with themselves and their
relationships.
Comparison and contrast of traditional and non-defensive methods of prediction
Characteristics of an effective prediction
The consequences are as small as possible
Others have opportunity to control the duration of any negative consequences
The consequences are self-contained
The prediction has no foreseeable ramifications we cannot tolerate
Two types of prediction that create greater respect and reciprocity
Limit-setting: “if-then” tells others how you will respond to various choices they might make
in a given situation
Challenge-choice: “if-then: tells others the consequences you believe they will experience as
a consequence of certain choices
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2013 Heartland Regional Conference of Mediators