Chapter 8: Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

What is Emotional Intelligence?
EQ vs. IQ
IQ was said to be a predictor of success; on the contrary, IQ is
a poor predictor of future success
Valliant (1977) conducted research on Harvard graduates in
the 1940’s and found:
› Those with higher SAT scores tended to be less successful than
their lower scoring counterparts with regard to career success,
income, and interpersonal lives (based on marital satisfaction
and quality of social life)
Other researchers found that higher IQ also did not predict
employment stability
Researcher, Goleman reported that IQ only contributes
about 20% to one’s success in life
The other 80% has to do with one’s emotional intelligence
Emotional Intelligence includes skills such as
› Being able to motivate yourself
› Persevere in the face of frustration
› To delay gratification
› To control your emotions
› To empathize with others
› Maintain a positive outlook
What’s the difference between this and IQ?
End States
Core Components
Capacity to discern logical or numerical
patterns and the ability to handle long chains
of reasoning
Journalist, Poet
Sensitivity to the sounds, rhythm, and
meanings of words and sensitivity to different
functions of language
Musician, Producer
Abilities to produce and appreciate rhythm,
pitch, and timbre. Appreciation of the forms of
musical expressiveness
Navigator, Builder,
Capacities to perceive the visual-spatial world
accurately and to perform transformation on
one’s initial perception
Athletes, Dancers
Abilities to control one’s body movements and
to handle objects skillfully
Capacities to discern and respond
appropriately to the moods, temperaments,
motivations, and desires of other people
Persons with detailed
accurate self-knowledge:
Nuns, Monks, etc…
Access to one’s own feelings and the ability
to discriminate among them and draw upon
them to guide behavior, knowledge of own
strengths, weaknesses, desires, and
Gardner divided emotional intelligence into four
› Leadership skills
› Ability to make friends and nurture relationships
› The ability to resolve conflicts
› Emotional Perceptiveness
Goleman divided EQ into five components
Self-Awareness—which is the ability to know your own emotions
Managing your emotions—the ability to master stress, control
anger, overcome depression and anxiety, and remain optimistic
All of which are vital in recovering from life problems
Self-motivation—the ability to persevere, to delay gratification and
wait for rewards, and stay focused on a task especially those
essential in most life endeavors and long-term goals
Perceptiveness—the ability to perceive and correctly identify the
emotions of others along with skill at recognizing how your
behavior impact others
Handling relationships—skill in relating to others and managing
their emotions
Involves listening skills, conversational skills, being able to resolve
conflicts, and knowing how to be appropriately assertive
Dependence—is the reliance on another for one’s needs
Interdependence—is the relationship that ensues between two
or more independent individuals who come together to achieve
a common goal
› They realize that working together can help them achieve more
than the mere sum of their individual accomplishments
› Healthy marriages, business partnerships, and friendships are
characterized by interdependence
Co-dependence—is when individuals depend on one another
b/c they do not truly feel they can survive on their own
› Rather than support one another’s growth, they create situations to
ensure the co-dependency (Drama!!!)
› Ex: The alcoholic husband and the co-dependent wife who says she
wants her husband to stop drinking but continues to buy his alcohol
› Ex: I hate my girlfriend and I will break up with her but continue to
have unprotected sex with her (Which can lead to baby-mama or
baby-daddy drama)
Prisoner’s Dilemma
 Win-Win Outcomes
 Lose-Lose Outcomes
 Barriers to Win-Win Outcomes
› Anger or resentment
 Getting wrapped up in your emotions
› No Cooperation
What is conflict resolution?
› Useful guidelines used to resolve a conflict or
disagreements with friends, loved ones, relatives,
coworkers, etc…
How might effective conflict resolution contribute
to one’s personal effectiveness?
Typically we use a very informal (and sometimes
close-minded) approach to solving problems,
which can lead to not having a resolution
What are the steps to conflict resolution?
Step 1: Acknowledge/Identify the Problem to Yourself
 Some conflict is an unavoidable part of life, but
must be handled adequately or it can lead to
other problems
 Step out of your shoes ad look at the situation and
determine what the real problem is
 Understand Why? you are upset and own that the
problem is yours so that you can be more effective
in approaching the other party
Step 2: Agree on a Date and a Procedure
 Don’t just confront the other person
› Fights often ensue because one person confronts the
other without the other person being ready at that
Set up a meeting time that is convenient for both
Make sure there is enough time allotted to deal
with the issue
Decide who will be in attendance of the meeting
Step 3: Describe Your Problem and Your Needs
 Recognize that you begin creating a climate for either
cooperation or contention from the moment negotiations
 Both parties are meeting because they have some shared
› Ex: Your landlord will meet with you b/c she wants to keep you as
a tenant
State your position and your needs upfront
› Using “I” statements, instead of “You” statements which may
make the other person defensive and place blame
Define the problem as a mutual problem to tap the
motivation of all parties to seek a mutual agreement
Manage your emotions appropriately
Remember “Fight or Flight” Response
 Anger is an adaptive reaction when face with a
perceived threat (e.g., tiger attacks us in the jungle)
› Anger had survival value in the past
› In today’s world physical confrontations are no longer useful
in most situations
Violent, unrestrained anger, has been the forefront of
national headlines and at the core of many of most
serious problems (e.g., 9/11 and school killings, what
 Frustration-Aggression Hypothesis—frustration is a
primary factor resulting in anger
› Frustration is a result of being blocked from reaching a goal
We learn anger from others
An individual will exhibit anger and hostility
based on seeing anger having been
rewarded or modeled in their past.
 An individual may also not exhibit anger
based on watching aggressive behaviors
be punished
 Remember: Observational Learning?
 Research: 8y.o. boys who preferred violent
games were likely to be aggressive as
18y.o. men
Individuals are likely to engage in
aggressive behavior if:
› There is a previous history of violent behavior
› Having been physically abused in childhood
› Having witnessed violence in the home as a
A history of harming animals as a child
Heavy exposure to violent TV programs or video
Absence of remorse over hurting others
Family history of mental illness or violence
Physiology of Anger
 Learning to control your anger
Looking to others to blame for our anger
 Attribution Theory
 If humans are faced with physiological
arousal of unknown origin, they will
search their environment for an
appropriate explanation or label for this