Dear members of GMAT – CP,
The following are your essays submitted in Word or .RTF format. Please note that since you did not
mention your names in your attached documents, I could not put your names in every essay by
looking at your emails, as that would be time consuming. I have left your topics and headings intact
so it might be easier for you to locate your essay. I strongly encourage you to go through the entire
file, find inspiration from good essays and solace in not so good ones. You are all preparing
together, and I am concerned for everyone. So, by learning to avoid mistakes together, you will
benefit much more effectively than if you were to do it alone. And remember, red ink, with no tonal
modulation sounds much, much worse than it is intended. If you find my comments to be too harsh,
remember the way I tell you stuff in class and it should be better.
Here are the full forms of the abbreviated comments:
SP – Spelling
Gr. – Grammar
WC – Word choice
Awk – Awkward
MP – Malapropism
A section of a sentence highlighted means you need to rephrase it or construct it better.
A section of a sentence struck out means it is either redundant or simply verbose.
A word highlighted means it is verbose/over the top.
The rest of the comments are individually inserted and meant for improvement.
Please feel free to discuss if you find any comments confusing/unclear.
A few things off the bat that I want to highlight from your essays:
-Pay attention to small things like putting commas after time markers or beginners (also, however,
similarly et cetera)
-instead of writing a large piece, make smaller paragraphs for better structure. That is lacking in most
essays here.
-a lot of you have made a prestige issue out of calling the essay/author very flawed, extremely
lacking in insight or whatever. That’s not good. Don’t make it your sole purpose to highlight how
intensely wrong the assumptions are, because that isn’t true. The worst that is happening in these
questions is that someone is making an assumption based on something that is already true
somewhere, we do that too. Instead, use more respectable and accommodating language like, ‘there
are a couple of assumptions that lack data/basis/actual implementation’ and so on. Don’t go gung
ho after the questions saying they have committed a crime by assuming something prematurely.
Kill them with kindness.
A few means some. Few means not too many. A little means some. Little means not too much. If
you are not clear with these minute differences, do yourselves a favor and don’t use them. Use
‘some’ instead. Your sentences are suffering because you are using these crucial expression
incorrectly. Thing about it. If I had to say, ‘there is still a little food left, don’t lose hope’ and said,
‘there is little food left, don’t lose hope’, what would happen?
Your essays have been marked keeping in mind the four stages of scoring at the GMAT® and
reflect your closest possible score at present.
All the best.
302_Q3
A sentence to state that there are assumptions made would be a better start here. This is abrupt. The
given argument suggests that the T.V. channel WOW should become a news based channel and stop
featuring musical programs. It assumes that elderly people are more interested in news than music
and songs. Also it posits that the sale of video cassettes is an indicator of the interest of public in
music. Another assumption made in the argument is the result of the survey conducted just before
the election which reveals a want for political awareness in the locality.these assumptions need to be
explored further for a clearer understanding of the situation. The assumption that since the no. of
old people has increased in the area, there should be more news related programs than musical
programs is faulty as we are not sure of the choice of the viewers. This is a matter of personal liking
which would differ from person to person. Also, the argument considers the reduction in the sales
of video cassettes a result of decreasing interest in music and songs. Alternatively, the reason for
lower sales could be that people of that locality have begun to cut down their expenditure on buying
the cassettes as they can view the same on television. Another reason for the decrease in the sale
could be a shift among the public from video cassettes to CDs and DVDs. In addition, the
argument also considers the result of a survey conducted just before elections as an indicator of
rising interest in politics. The survey reveals that the people of that locality want to be more
politically aware. But, this cannot be taken as a premise for making a decision regarding the
conversion of WOW channel from music based to news based, as the interest of the people might
change once the elections are over. Good.
To conclude, I feel that before converting the WOW channel from music to a news channel the
above mentioned points should be analyzed thoroughly. As we have witnessed, there could be other
possible reasons behind the assumptions made, which do not suggest that the channel should stop
airing music shows.
An alternative to this plan would be to conduct a survey in the locality regarding the interest of the
residents taking into consideration the temporary effects of elections. Also the channel could feature
news and songs both and then the TRP of the shows could be analyzed.
(391
words)
3.5/6
The only improvement would be to make shorter and better sentences and pay attention to comma
splices and phrasal errors. Good job.
As violence in movies increases…(OG Page 803)
The given argument states that the increase in violence in movies as well as in cities is on the rise. It
assumes that the latter is a result of the former. The excerpt also surmises that in order to mellow
down this problem, the viewership should be restricted to people of twenty one years of age or
above. Additionally, the statement presumes that since, a bill regarding such an action failed to
gather the required majority, the legislators are unconcerned about this situation.
However, the assumptions made are not sufficient to draw a conclusion as there are certain
weaknesses present in them giving rise to multiple questions. For example, the statement finds the
increasing crime in the cities a consequence of increasing violence in movies. This cannot be
regarded as foolproof evidence as there could be several other reasons also, such as inaction of the
government against the perpetrators of crime, leniency on the part of the police or disruptive law
and order conditions. Other possible causes could be unstable government, economic factors et
cetera. For example, when there was an unstable government in some of the Arabic countries in the
last few years, the crime rate there had increased. Also it is observed that crime rate is very high in
most of the poor and developing countries. Additionally, the statement judges the concern of the
legislators on the basis of a bill based on censorship of movies with violence and limited viewership
of those movies. A majority of legislators possibly cast their vote against the bill because they also
felt that such a bill could not be a solution to the problem at hand. This certainly does not mean that
they are uninterested.
To conclude, I feel that the movies should not be blamed for the growth in crime rate in the cities.
As we have witnessed, there are several other causes which increase the crime rate.
To improve the situation, it could be a better option to analyze the above mentioned possible causes
and then propose a solution based on the analysis. (344 words)
4/6. An excellently written essay. Keep practicing to get to the 5.5 score.
ANALYTICAL WRITING ANALYSIS
Q1) FROM THE SHEET NO -AWPE1921302
The argument that “owning a dog can help reduce the occurrence of heart disease and help the
owner to lead a long and healthy life” misses out several key issues, which are important to reach a
conclusion by making the argument substantial.
The argument very bluntly makes dogs responsible for reducing the heart diseases
among the owners without even analyzing the evidences and also suggests that the Cardinal
hospitals should promote an “adopt puppy” program to reduce the cost of treatment. The reduction
in heart disease by owning a dog can be true but this might not be because of the dog but because of
the various activities in which an owner gets involved once he/she owns a dog. For example the
owners have to take their dogs for a walk and this might just add to their own physical exercises but
then this would be there for any pet and not specifically dogs. The arguments talks about the
“therapeutic effects” but these pets can become a source of various diseases if they are not well
nurtured. The arguments also claims that owning a dog can also decrease the cost of treatment
significantly but this statement does not analyze the cost involved in taking care of a dog-the various
vaccines which are required along with the food and the other paraphernalia-.
The argument to conclude “dogs reduces heart disease” should make use of a
number of evidence and for this a thorough survey should be conducted to find out the actual
reason behind it. The cost analysis of nurturing a dog should also be done to make the statement
that it also reduces the cost of treatment significantly. The stage at which owning a dog would help
should also be identified, for example if someone has all the three arteries chocked then owning a
dog would not help but a coronary artery bypass grafting would certainly do.
As I have analyzed the argument, I found that it leaves out certain
key issues and is not sound and persuasive. If the argument makes use of the suggestions, which are
given above then it would be more convincing and thorough. (358 words)
3.5/6 A good essay but your stance on the topic is altogether too decisive and not convincing.
Instead of being so against adoption of puppies to increase healthy living, you could try taking a
middle path and arguing for the adoption program but against the hidden costs that the program
does not advertise. That would make a wholesome argument.
ANALYTICAL WRITING ANALYSIS
Q4) FROM THE SHEET NO-AWPE1921302
The argument that “organizations should develop a competitive spirit in the employees to bring out
their best performance and thus increase the performance of the organization” omits various key
issues, which are essential for the argument to be substantial.
The argument suggests that the employees who are competitive are good for the organization
without realizing the other side of “being competitive”. This highly competitive environment can
severely affect the work culture of the organization and lead to cutthroat competition among the
employees. The competitive environment may lead to a situation where the employees will only be
concerned about the quantity of the work performed by them and not about the quality of the work.
This can also lead to a grave situation where a lot of employees - who can also be very good in their
fields of work - are not able to withstand the constant pressure of competition and as a result of
which the company would lose a lot of people who otherwise are an asset to the company. The
argument fails to realize that the competitive nature of working can severely affect the capability of
working as a team, which is very important for an organization.
The argument instead of making competitive environment responsible for the
growth of an organization should focus more on developing a team, which consider itself
responsible for the growth of the company. The organization should also try to solve the various
problems faced by the employees for example they should take the opinion of the employees
regarding the work culture and feedback system should be used to clear the bottleneck if any. The
organization should focus more on a sustainable growth instead of a sudden increase because they
may fail to complete their agreements and can loose the existing market even before gaining
something. With this I will bring my essay to a close.
The argument given above fails to analyze various effects, which highly competitive
work culture can have on the organization and thus only conclude it as a strategy to increase the
performance of the organization but I feel if it would analyze the various suggestions given above
then the argument would be more persuasive and convincing. (368 words)
3/6. Better language construction needed. The essay is good but loses out because of run on
sentences, word choice and lack of structural clarity.
Argument:
Some companies offer extra qualities of the product they sell as a part of their selling
strategy. For example when they sell a pack containing a dozen items, they offer one more
item instead of offering a cash discount. This is a wise move as consumers are generally
more easily satisfied when they get extra items, than when they pay less. Further, the
manufacturers are also gain by selling more items, and the volume of their business will
thus increase, resulting in quicker movement of their products.
Essay
In this argument the author has concluded that reducing the employee’s contract period duration
and hiring freshers for the job could be beneficial for the companies, due to rapid technological
changes. This conclusion is based on the premise that technology is undergoing rapid change, the
technical knowledge of the employees is likely to become obsolete and so it would be wise to go in
for freshers as often as possible. I agree with the above stated fact but with a few reservations To
begin with, the argument is based on the assumption that reducing the employee’s contract duration
and hire freshers as often as possible is not good as per my view. Company hires an employee and
spends hefty sum on their one time on–boarding and development process so the employee can in
line with the work environment and policies. If every year after certain duration the company hires
freshers from the campus then it will add on to the additional cost to their expenditure. For
example, the annual cost on total employee’s onboarding and development process occurs to
$5,000/- and every year this additional cost will reflect on their expenditure account.
Secondly it could be difficult for the freshers to adjust with the company’s work culture and
environment on the first day of their joining, as they are new to the professional work and act like a
new bud, the company has to give them proper practical training as per the job requirement so they
can be developed and structured as a new flower. The freshers will take time in understanding the
job requirements and systems of company which can cause low productivity and quality issues
whereas experienced employee can complete the task efficiently with less time as they are already
trained and know how to perform job as per client requirement.
In addition to this the company should also work on grade wise employee development module
which consists of practical as well theoretical programs. For implementing this module the company
should assign trainers among existing experienced employees and freshers. This knowledge sharing
concept will help in bridging the gap and drive the company as per technological changes.
Nextone must understand that all companies must not adopt the concept of reducing the
employment contract period. It is more or less based on company’s profile. For example DSCL and
Granite Services are the two different companies. DSCL is doing the business in fertilizing sector for
them their employees are the main assets and if the employee leaves then its directly put an impact
on its direct and indirect cost. To retain their employees for long term company is spending 20% of
the annual profit cost on employee’s welfare activities so that the their moral could be increased with
maximum job output . On flip of the coin Granite is technical manpower outsourcing company for
GE and work with its client on project basis. During the lean period Granite simply terminates their
additional manpower whose contract expires on nearby due date to minimize the additional.
In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that rather to curtail down the employment contract duration
company should implement technological development modules so that the trend of continuous
learning among freshers and experienced employees can be followed with the adaption of technical
changes.
Argument
In the case of technology driven concerns it is always better to have very short period of
contract with the employees, say, three to five years. This is because, as technology is
undergoing rapid change, the technical knowledge of the employee is likely to become
obsolete and so it would be wise to go in for freshers as often as possible.
In this passage the author describes that the companies should implement certain selling strategies
to increase the sales volume of their business. The conclusion is based on the premise that by selling
more items, volume of their business will thus increase, resulting in quicker movement of their
products. I agree with above stated facts but with a few reservations.
To begin with, the arguments based on the assumption that companies are offering extra quantity of
product on purchase of a sell pack containing dozen items. If an individual purchases all the
products in one go then only he can avail the benefit of getting extra product on zero additional
cost. Now if we analyse the data through annual income basis, the elite class can lavishly spend on
the purchase of product without considering the other expenditure factors whereas middle class
ordinary person will think twice about his monthly budget before the purchase of an extra product.
Secondly, companies generally give an offer on the products which are not in demand and to reduce
the existing stock of the items from their warehouse they introduces this kind of selling strategy. For
example, Minute Maid’s company’s Pulpy mango product could not be survived in the market and
to balance the sale volume of the product company the company introduces an offer that on
purchase of two pulpy orange bottles one bottle of pulpy mango will be free. This selling strategy
attracts the customer and helps the company in selling out its stock in the market.
Thirdly, few companies add addition hidden cost to bundle of final selling products and consumers
believe that he is paying less and buying a good deal without knowing the fact that company has
already added the free product cost to overall pack. With this selling strategy companies increase the
sale volume of the product and gain profit.
In conclusion I would like to reiterate that if companies introduces this kind of selling strategy in the
market then It will not only help in increasing the sale volume of their business as well as customers
will also get benefit on purchase of additional product on zero cost. (359 words)
2.5/6 This essay has a lot of problems in language and expression. Please note the errors and work
on them. Also, you need to pay attention to your structure and see which point goes better with
which one. The essay has good content but it is lost in the language. Practice needed.
Argument (23042014):
“As violence in movies increases, so do crime rates increases in our cities. To combat this problem
we must establish a board to censor certain movies or we must limit admission to persons over 21
years of age. Apparently our legislators are not concerned about this issue since a bill calling for such
actions recently failed to receive a majority vote”
The argument discusses the increase in the crime rate of a city and puts the blame on ferocity
staging in movies and suggests that a censor board should be established or audience below 21 year
of age should not be allowed in the movie halls. Although the bill calling for such actions failed to
receive majority votes, so author concluded that our legislators are not concerned about this issue.
The argument brings many assumptions, such as the rate of violence depicted in movies is directly
proportional to the crime rate in the city, which is not possible as no data available about the
criminals, that every criminal commit the crime after watching violence in movies. Another
assumption is that audience under the age of 21 year is conducting the crime therefore persons over
21 year of age should be allowed in theatres. Which is also a false assumption as restricting a person
from entering a movie hall can’t restrict him from watching that movie as movie halls are not the
only means to watch a movie if a person wants to see a movie he/she can watch it at home, laptops
etc. this is a run-on sentence.
The Argument also assumes that if the legislators are not approving the suggested bill they are not
concerned about the increased crime rate, which is a fallacy as there is a possibility that the
government has already planned some measures to control crime rates and which will be more
effective than the suggested bill.
There are some points which need to be glanced at before pinning down any conclusion, first what
type of crime is increased in the city, age group of criminals, type of violence in movies.
Also measures can be taken for example, In United states there is a rating system for parents to use
when deciding which movies their children can see and which should be banned for less than 18
year age children.
A bar graph can be prepared for the frequency of a crime, which will be helpful in analysing the
cause of crime and finding out the powerful solution for the same.
Concluding this, proper analyses should be done before solely blaming the movies for the increase
in crime rate. Type of crime, frequency of a particular crime, criminals age group are some factors
which will be helpful in getting the actual cause and to make a clear vision about whether movies are
playing big role in increased crime rate or not. (415 words)
This is a strange essay. Judging by the content alone, I would probably give it a 3.5 or higher, but
looking at the language errors, I doubt if it would reach the first human checker. It is long enough to
warrant attention and makes some solid points, but loses out on consistency and makes some grave
grammatical and construction errors right in the beginning. Take a look at my comments for
improvement.
The given situation while highlighting the makeshift change in the choice of reference material
leaves much to assumptions. The proposition made to close down all public libraries in August
County is based on the acceptance of closing all but one library, by the majority of the population in
the neighbouring Aurora County. In the following sections, an attempt will be made to analyze the
viability of the idea, flaws in the assumptions and suggestions for alternative way outs.
The assumptions made for coming up with the said intention are flawed in ways more than one.
Evidence showcases that:
The demographic & psychographic data of the two counties has been generalized.
The proposition targets only a specific segment of the society i.e. the youth.
The emotional attachment of the people & heritage stature of these libraries has not
been considered.
The nature of the reference material has not been specified.
A big supposition has been made, which doesn’t account for the variations in the demographic
profiles of the two counties. It is assumed that the residents of August County have the same taste
and use the internet as a source for similar nature of reference materials, as that of Aurora County.
Furthermore the nature of the reference material – fiction, non-fiction, journals, records et cetra –
being sourced from the internet has not been specified.
It is also evident that the heritage status of public libraries and emotional connect that the people
generally have the libraries has not been considered while coming up with the idea of tearing them
down, so that internet cafes can be set up. Additionally this idea caters only to the needs of youth,
the elderly people however prefer the traditional way of reading and hence going forth with this idea
would hamper their reading experience.
As we have witnessed that the presented idea is based on some problematic assumptions, it would
be quite helpful to first conduct studies and collect data pertaining to the usage of the libraries and
the popularity of the internet cafes in the area. Moreover, a reasonable cost would be incurred for
transforming libraries into cyber cafes, an effective cost-benefit analysis would help decipher if the
plan is worth continuing or not. Furthermore, as many libraries do have a specialized chapter
dedicated to online resources, it would be prudent to enhance the existing resources or set up an
adjoining café as a pilot project.
To bring the argument to a close, it can be said that a definitive ‘go ahead’ or ‘full stop’ is not an
answer to the given situation. All that can be advised is that once an exhaustive data is retrieved and
in-depth analyses are conducted, the idea should be kept on hold. (456 words)
The essay begins with some abruptions but finds a flow gradually. Practice will help. 3/6
The given scenario presents a suggestion for increasing the profits of Sedate Audio Video. This
proposition is based on the company’s observation at their Limestun store wherein, reduction in
inventory and working hours has led to very few customer complaints. The incorporation of the
plan to all of stores of the company is left much to assumptions. An attempt will be made in the
following sections to analyze the viability of the idea, flaws in the assumptions and suggestions for
alternative way outs.
The assumptions made for coming up with the said intention are flawed in ways more than one.
Evidence showcases that:
It is assumed that the revised working hours would cater to the needs of all
customers.
-
The demographic & sales data for all the stores has been generalized.
It is assumed that the taste of the viewers is akin.
Consider Mr. X, 42 years old and owns a grocery store. Mr. Y on the other hand is his son, 20 years
old and a DJ by profession.
A big supposition has been made regarding the operating hours of the store, which conveniently
leaves out the nature of profession of the people and the obligations it imposes outside its scope.
Mr. X wishes to rent a DVD on his way back from work which is usually around 8 P.M., reducing
the working hours of the store would hamper the DVD renting & viewing experience for all people
with day jobs. For people who have relatively late working hours, the store time even if reduced
presents no considerable issue.
Also, since the store houses the DVDs for films released in the last year which inherently caters to
the youth, people who would like to watch old movies will have to set up shop elsewhere.
It is also evident that the dissimilarities in the demographic and sales data of Limestun and other
stores have been left out of the span. More number of young working people in the area, who
generally get off from work pretty late will require the AV store opening for longer duration to cater
to their needs, and vice-versa. A store which has decent sales already would be adversely affected by
the incorporation of the said idea, as reduction in working hours will hamper sales. Good job in
articulating this example. Even though you totally stole it from my class, but I’ll allow it. :D
As we have witnessed that the idea in question is based on such problematic assumptions. It would
be much more prudent to collect data and conduct studies pertaining to the sales of different stores
and the demographic distribution of the area where they are located at. It would also be helpful to
assess what kind of movies people like to watch and how often they rent/purchase them. An
observation study would also help account for seasonality in the purchase of CD’s and formulate a
trend to analyse specifics.
To bring the argument to a close, it can be said that a definitive ‘go ahead’ or ‘full stop’ is not an
answer to the given situation. All that can be advised is that once an exhaustive data is retrieved and
in-depth analyses are conducted, the idea should be kept on hold. (542 words)
3.5/6. If you wrote these two essays one after the other, you can yourself see the improvement in
the content. That happens when you get used to the act of writing, and put your energy into making
an argument and not just writing an essay after ages. More practice, please.
AWA
1.
The following proposal was made by a Dean at Benetton University
For the last two years Socrato Vocational College has been offering a job opportunity program and
it has been highly successful. More than 80% of all fresher at Socrato enrolled in this optional
program; 95% of these students got job offers within a couple of months after their graduation.
Former students who have undergone this training program have been very successful in their
careers. To ensure that we too accomplish our academic goals better, we should seriously think of
adopting a similar program for our students and we should actively encourage all of them to
participate in this program.
Answer:
The above argument states that the job opportunity program of Socrato vocational school has been
highly successful as most of its students have had a successful career hence Beneatton University
should also adopt this program.
Although the performance of Socrate vocational college seems to be quite impressive but same job
model cannot be implemented in another university without any proper study and survey. It is really
important to understand the need of any such program first and then implement it. Also, it is not
necessary that a program which has been successful in one vocational college will be successful in a
university as well. Exactly similar concept cannot be applied everywhere without an understanding.
University should find out further details of the program such as students of which skill set have got
the placement, how much is the annual salary for students who have been placed and what is the
market reputation of the companies who have hired them. They need to identify that how
successfully will they be able to meet all these aspects of the program.
Moreover, it is really important to find out that are students of Beneatton University also interested
in this program and what views they hold about such initiative. It is also really important to know
the skill set of students of the vocational college as they might be different from university students.
Furthermore, Vocational colleges generally offer more professional courses and hence chances of
placement are always higher as compared to university students. For example, vocational colleges
generally offer courses like cooking; tailoring and merchandizing whereas the courses offered in
university are more of knowledge based like English hons, psychology, science, et cetera.
As we have analyzed, it will be better if Dean of Beneatton University does a more detailed study of
this job program and then implement in the University with a few modifications as per the
requirements. Alternatively, Beneatton University can also start offering a few professional courses
and see how well the placement works for these courses. Post this a more regularized program can
be initiated. All these measures will help the university get better insight into the program and in its
better implementation.
(364 words)
2.5/6 This essay lacks conviction. Maybe expanding your points and making better paragraph
structure will improve the approach of the essay. More importantly, please pay attention to
punctuation, phrasal verbs, word usage and prepositions, and articles.
The arguments made by the Vice President of Cleopatra’s Way omit several concerns and are not
substantiated by reliable information. First, it should be explained how beauty and health conscious
people are defined. Second, reasons behind increase in sale of sport shoes and apparels have not
been clearly mentioned. Third, it is not stated how ‘active for life’ will benefit Cleopatra’s Way.
Memorandum should clearly explain or at least mention the parameters used to define people who
are beauty and health conscious. In absence of such data it is difficult to say why Plainjane town was
chosen to build a new store. Also, if quantitative or qualitative data were available then selling
strategy could be tailor made to the preferences of the town.
Memorandum mentions that sale of sport shoes and apparels has gone up like never before. It fails
to provide reasons that confirm a correlation between the spurt in town’s purchase and people being
health and beauty conscious. Sales figures of shoes and apparels are not mentioned. This makes is
difficult to examine the exact nature of increase in sales and see if this increase in sales is significant
enough to justify building a new store in Plainjane.
The Vice President has not illustrated how ‘active for life’ will turn out to be fruitful for Cleopatra’s
Way. If he could cite a study which finds a positive relation between health-consciousness at tender
and the same during the later stages of life then the argument will strengthen as it will reinforce his
point about a future market.
In view of concerns mentioned above it may not be appropriate as of now to go ahead and build a
new store in Plainjane town.
A survey should be conducted in Plainjane to address the concerns raised above. Moreover, it is
seen that people are loyal to health and beauty brands. Survey will help Cleopatra’s Way to gauge
brand loyalty and other relevant factors such that it can take informed steps with respect to its
expansion. (334 words)
2.5/6 Better content needed. Taking two paragraphs to say the same thing is not good writing. Also,
while the language is perfect, the argument made is barely touching the surface of the problem. Try
to explore more into the problem of the question for a better analysis.
Analytical Writing Hand-out 301
Question 3:
In the given argument, the author claims that in technologically driven concerns, it is better to hire
employees for short period of three to five years because the technical knowledge of the employees
is likely to become obsolete. Though the statement may well have merit, the author presents a
poorly reasoned, based on several questionable premises and assumptions, and solely on the basis of
the evidence that the author offers, one definitely cannot accept the provided argument as valid.
Most strikingly, referring three to five years as a very short period is highly debatable. However, the
primary issue is that the argument assumes that due to the advancements and innovations in
technology, the technical knowledge of the employees is expected to become obsolete. Since the
author fails to present any legitimate evidence or example to support this statement, the conclusion
is unacceptable.
In addition, the argument assumes that old employees are incapable of getting acquainted with new
technical information without any confirmation. This further weakens the statement. Moreover, the
author claims to replace old employees with new ones. This depicts that the author completely
ignores the importance of work experience but also assumes that the new employees will beforehand
have new technical knowledge.
While there are several key issues in argument's premises and assumptions, one cannot say that the
entire argument is without base. Technology is rapidly growing and it is definitely necessary to have
employees that possess latest technical information. The author needs to provide concrete evidence
or cases illustrating decreases in work performance of old employees with respect to new
technology. Without these things, author’s poorly reasoned argument will likely convince few
people. (275 words)
3/6 more concentration on how the youth may also present some issues, even with their
technologically inclined minds, will better this essay significantly.
AWHO1921302
Sol 2:- The Socrato Vocational College has initiated a very successful job opportunity program
which helps fresher to get job offers after graduation. In addition to this, the facts shows that more
than 80 % of student enrolled in this program and 95 % of these students got job offers within a
couple of months after their graduation . This shows that the percentage of success after doing this
course has been more than 95 % which shows the effectiveness and productivity of the program.
The organizations requirement nowadays has been shifted to eligible graduates with high potential,
zeal and enthusiasm. Moreover, the focus of organizations vary time to time as per the requirement,
students have to retain the interest in gaining knowledge and enhancing their skills time to time in
order to meet the eligibility criteria of organization .
Today, in this competitive market the job opportunities are less and only a person who has potential
and skills can survive. In addition to that, the importance of this program can be visualized by the
results, as most of the students gets job and are highly successful in their careers. The main objective
of this program has been to provide the necessary skills required for further enhancement. The job
opportunity program started by Socrato Vocational College has been highly successful. The results
are appreciable as 95 % of these students get job offers within a couple of months after their
graduation. Furthermore, it makes a sensible point in choosing such program as student are getting
beneficial after doing this program. The organizations nowadays keep their focus on candidates with
appropriate profile for the job, the candidates who have extra skills and potential get through the
selection process. This type of program not only helps the students but also provide confidence in
them for achieving success in their carriers. Most of the organizations have shown their keen interest
in those candidates who are academically strong and have the zeal to learn more. This is an
interesting fact that other students also get motivated to participate in these kind of program by
seeing the results. In addition to that these kinds of programs are result oriented.
To conclude towards the end the job opportunity program has shown profound results. So to
accomplish academic goals better, the Beneatton University must adopt a similar program and the
student must be encouraged to participate in this program. As we have witnessed, the students will
be benefited from this program as the Socarto students who have joined the same program have got
success. Former students who had undergone this training program have been very successful in
their carriers. The program should be initiated in the university to help freshers gain skills and
confidence. Such kind of programs must be started in all universities. (465 words)
2.5/6 While this is a long essay, I found that many of the sentences were just there to fill space. Try
to make richer points about the questions, for example in this case you could have talked a lot more
about the limitations of higher fresh graduates as opposed to retraining older employees. This
sounds more like words taken out of Bschool advertisements and not an essay written from
analyses.
AWPE1921301
Sol 1:- Companies offering extra quantities of the product have become a part of selling strategy.
This has become wise move as consumers are generally more easily satisfied when they get extra
items. Some of the companies have been using this strategy to increase the sale of their product.
Further, the manufacturers also gain by selling more items and by this way the volume of their
business will increase. The companies are using this strategy to sell more products in market. This
will encourage the buyers to buy more products. The customers are attracted towards the offer of
getting extra items by purchasing it and they are generally more easily satisfied as they pay less.
The strategy of offering an extra item of product has an impact in the market. The customers are
attracted by these offers and often buy the product. Furthermore, they are more satisfied when they
get extra items and pay less. Some of the schemes like buy one get one free shows a remarkable
selling of product. The results are astounding as there is huge increase in selling percentage of
product. Moreover, the manufacturers also gain by selling more items, and the volume of their
business will thus increase, resulting in quicker movement of their products. The market strategy of
some companies has been successful in increasing product sales. For example, when they sell a pack
of a dozen items, they offer one more item instead of offering cash discount. This is a wise move as
customers are generally satisfied when they get extra items by paying less. This shows a logical,
analytical and smart selling strategy and has a profound effect. Generally some companies offer
discount on product, but the customers is not much satisfied by this offer. To increase profit and
the manufacturing growth, often company targets to sell more products in market - In order to
achieve this target this kind of strategy has shown good results and satisfaction in customers –
“which has most importance for a company”. In addition to this, by offering extra quantities of
products, the volume of business increases which results in quicker movement of products and
increases the profit of manufacturers.
To my mind it would be much better to say that the selling strategy of offering extra quantities of
product to the customers has a great impact and beneficial for the company. Moreover, the
customers are more satisfied when they get extra items, when they pay less. Conclusively, this selling
strategy is beneficial for both customer and manufacturer as the customer gets satisfied by extra item
and the manufacturer gets benefited by selling more items resulting in profit and quicker movements
of products. (444 words)
2.5/6 First, content lacks conviction. Second, instead of repeating yourself, I would have been
happier had you thought more about how discounts and extra products affect different customers.
This answer is as generic as the question was. There was no mention of different customers,
different products and different purchasing powers. Will the same logic apply to mangoes as it
would to toothpaste? Will Maserati be happier giving an extra product (another Mas) than a seasonal
discount? Do Diwali Dhamaka sales mean nothing to you if they don’t offer another product instead
of bonanza discounts? There was no insight in this essay and very few essays will give you such a
goldmine of ideas. Tap into the ones which do.
AWPE1921302 – 1
Research reveals that ownership of a dog can help reduce the occurrence of heart disease
and help the owner lead a long and healthy life. It is therefore recommended that Cardina
Hospital should formalize an agreement with Cardina pet shelter to start an ‘adopt puppy’
program. This program will help patients reduce their medical bills as many of them may
thereafter not require treatment. Further, as awareness about such a program and its
therapeutic effects increases, more people may adopt pets from the shelter. This initiative
will “eventually” bring down the number of incidences of heart disease in the country.
The argument that says ‘adopt puppy’ program will lead owner to a healthy life omits some
important concerns that must be addressed to substantiate the argument. The statement that
describes for ‘adopt puppy’ program solely does not constitute a logical argument in favour to cover
all kind of heart diseases which may be caused by different reasons and it certainly does not provide
support or proof of the main argument.
Most conspicuously the argument does not address that all type of causes for heart diseases can be
covered by having dog as a pet. First, the argument assumes that all type of heart diseases can be
covered up most common factor for heart disease is due to high blood pressure, high cholesterol
level, obesity etcetera which argument does not clarifies how effective it will be after dog adaptation.
Second, the argument never addresses that dogs are vaccinated and will not be a cause for other
diseases as well. Conversely, having a pet dog will not solve the problem of medical bills as if
adopting a pet dog will not be value added to the health issues other than heart diseases too.
Because the argument leaves out several key issues, it is not sound or persuasive. If it included the
issues discussed above instead solely explaining what dog adaptation for heart diseases does, the
argument would have been more thorough and convincing. (231 words)
2.5/6 reasonably well-written, and if it were longer and more detailed about what dogs do to benefit
the health of a heart patient, it would be well-rounded enough to warrant a 3. Practice more.
AWPE1921302 – 2
In service oriented business, the main factor in the cost of production is the expense on
human resources. Hence, the best way to reduce the cost of production is to restrict the
work force to those who are directly involved in the business, and remove those who are not.
The argument which refers to restrict the work force will reduce the cost of production omits some
important concerns that must be addressed to substantiate the argument. The statement solely does
not constitute the logical argument which favours the main idea.
Most conspicuously the argument assumes to run business entity without back office workers even
they are equally important to run a business entity as compared to those employees who are directly
involved in business activity. For example, if we consider a newspaper industry where business
involves with “advertisement and circulation” department for revenue but printing, payroll, finance,
audit and admin are equally important area where in absence of workforce, these department will
eventually increase the cost of production if outsourced to third party.
Because the argument leaves out several key issues, it is not sound or persuasive. For reducing cost
of production other actions like reviewing and planning the cost of raw material, hiring of skilled
resources for particular domain and encouragement policy should be taken care which will result in
better and highly effective production and ultimately will result in decrease in cost of production for
service orient business. (191 words)
2/6 For an essay under 200 words, this piece raises more questions than it answers. I want you to
really read it without any influence and see if you would find this a pressing argument if someone
else wrote it and gave it to you. Where are cross-referential points? Where in in-depth analysis of the
argument? Where are well-rounded rebuttals to the claims made in the body? You need to read
some samples and see how to analyze a given case.
Essay 1
Analytical Writing Handout
Ref: AWHO301
Q5.
The author suggests reduction of budget and the police forces in the north side of the city where
there is no violence and doubling up of the forces in the west side to reduce the growing violence in
that area. However his argument is flawed, weak and inconclusive since it is based on insufficient
data and invalid assumptions.
The author assumes that reducing the presence of police forces in the northern side and relocating
them in them in western side could help curb the increasing violence of the area, but he provides no
arguments in support of it as how could just the implementation of more police force do that. He
considers the situation to be more acute just on the basis that people of different cultures and faiths
reside there and most of them being youngsters, which would mean to imply that people of different
faiths and cultures can never reside together in peace. This argument also assumes that younger
people are the ones who are involved in violence but with no evidence or argument to support it
this also is a flawed argument.
Author’s criticism of Mayor on paying more attention to educational development and creating job
opportunities for the young is not a valid argument because if go back to his earlier assumption that
stated the young in the city to be responsible for violence then education and job opportunities
could help curb the problem to a great extent. Also, the reduction of police force in the northern
side could have negative effects what if it leads to increase in violence in that area. As far as the
budget is concerned we cannot say anything without proper data and statistics if we need to perform
all reform measures in the presently allocated amount or if there is scope of increase if such a need
arises.
To find an effective solution to the problem instead of blindly reducing forces from one area and
sending them to the affected one the mayor can have some new recruitments along with some
experienced officers transferred from the northern to the western side of the city. A much better
solution to the problem could be setting up an enquiry commission to enquire into the reason about
the increasing violence. And then based on the report adequate action and measures can be taken to
settle the issues resulting in increasing violence. (398 words)
3/6 a good attempt. Take care of silly mistakes to avoid losing precious points.
Essay 2Analytical Writing Handout
Ref: AWPE301
Q4.
The vice president of Cleopatra’s Way based on the analysis done by them concludes that they
should build their next store in Plainjane town, as their products have sold well in areas where
people are beauty and health conscious and Plainjane having many such people. But the source of
the analysis has not been mentioned thus making its authenticity bleak.
People enrolling in gyms and aerobic classes could be the reason of increase in the sale of sport
shoes and apparel but nothing in the mentioned argument talks about how regular and serious these
people are about their exercise regime. Moreover, the increase in these items doesn’t guarantee an
increase in the beauty products also. As far as we are concerned about the futuristic potential of the
market its success relies on the success of the new program ‘active for life’ meaning to instill health
consciousness in youngsters at a tender age. Nothing in the argument claims about the sure shot
success of this programme, hence driving a conclusion of better potential in future is based on very
weak and unsupported assumptions, thus making it a flawed conclusion.
Before opening the store in the city the vice president can have door to door surveys in the area, or
hire some salesman to sell the products door to door for suppose a month and then from the result
of the survey and feedback of the salesman he could draw a more valid conclusion of how much
inclination the people of Plainjane have towards the usage of beauty and health products. Suppose
the response is highly they could open a permanent store in the city and suppose it is neither good
enough nor too bad he could rent a place and then slowly grow in the business as the people are
inclined more towards the product. He could also advertise the benefits of using their product over
the others available in market such as by distributing pamphlets or setting up temporary stalls in the
busy market areas.
(335 words)
2.5/6 prominent language and usage problems. Lacks conclusion. Lacks structural clarity.
The local daily states that Mr. Gluttonberg deserves to get re-elected as he is the best candidate.
During his tenure of three years he did a lot for his state. He created lots of employment, he helped
in decreasing the crime rates. So if he is elected again there is a possibility to see the similar trends
again. Mr. Gluttonberg has also said that he will keep the large-scale industries in the state.
The value of a candidate depends on many factors. Number of works done by Mr. Glutton is not an
indicator of effectiveness. It can be argued that if there would have a different candidate he would
have done similar kind works or more. It can be that Mr. Gluttonberg should have done more of
what he has done.
Besides this, it depends on the public as to what they feel about their governor. Some might feel he
has done better works while others might think he could have done more. Yes a governor is selected
to run a state. So no matter which candidate gets elected, he will always try to do good for his state
as he is a public selection.
Further, the governor might have done little of what could have been done massive. He is a
governor and he should do all this work and this is the reason why he was selected as a governor.
However, the work done by Mr. Gluttonberg cannot be neglected. He did create employment, he
did reduce the crime rates. So, there is a chance that public might like to see him again. He might do
more for his state of what he has done or it might be completely the other way round.
Hence the given argument is flawed and the evidence insufficient. (296 words)
2.5/6 a good essay, but filled with repetition and lack of analysis. Keep practicing to hone your skills
and make paragraphs better.
As per the given statement, it says that in order to understand the traditions and cultures of modern
society we should examine the practices adopted by the younger generation. Now, the given
contention is questionable. We cannot just simply rely on the practices adopted by the youngsters to
understand the modern society.
In fact, to understand the traditions and values of a modern society, we need to examine the
practices adopted by the whole of the society members. Youngsters generally practice the traditions
and cultures that are imparted to them. Therefore, they cannot lead us to understand the traditions
of a modern society. Youngsters are a part of the society and examining a part of the society won't
lead us to the right conclusion. Also the youngsters might few in number in a particular society so
the practices adopted by them won't make much of a difference.
However, youngsters do form a part of the society so we need to examine their practices in order to
understand the traditions and values of a modern society. It can be that there are more youngsters in
a particular society and here we can say that the best methodology to understand modern society is
to examine the practices adopted by them.
To sum it up, we cannot say that youngsters completely defines a society. It actually depends from
society to society. It depends on the number of youngsters in the society plus the other members of
the society as well. (195 words)
1.5/6. Major content issues.
The following appeared in an advertisement:
“in a survey conducted a couple of years ago by a newspaper, it was learnt that cars manufactured by
Maranda Motors were involved in forty percent fewer fatal accidents to drivers than vehicles built by
any other single manufacturer. Moreover Maranda does not manufacture red car, which re known
to be involved in most accidents. Therefore, anyone concerned about safety and wants to buy a car
should buy the latest models of Maranda cars.”
The argument that, any one concern about safety and wants to buy a car should buy the latest model
of Maranda cars as cars manufactured by Maranda Motors were involved in forty percent fewer fatal
accidents to drivers than vehicals built by any other single manufacturer, omits some important
concerns that must be followed to substantiate the argument. Moreover, the argument is as it relies
on a series of invalid arguments. The argument also does not provide any strong supports.
First, a look at the major flaws of argument. To begin with, argument assumes that survey is a
reliable source of information. Furthermore assumption that mostly red cars involved in the
accidents while the argument does not provide any strong proof or support. Another problem here
is that the argument assumes that Maranda does not manufacture red cars is a single reason of less
percentage of accident and there is no other cause for concern. There may be several factors like
high skilled employees, heavy investment in R&D, very much concerned about safety and the traffic
system where Maranda cars mostly in trend at-cetra. Accidents also depend on the age group of the
drivers as the young drivers mostly like to drive fast which is a serious cause of accidents. Finally
argument that if any wants to buy a car concerning about safety should purchase latest model of
Maranda cars, while survey concludes that cars manufactured by Maranda Motors are very much
safe which is obviously about the old car in market. There is no evidence provided by argument
about the latest models of Maranda cars that these are either as safe as or better than old cars.
Because (conclusively speaking) the argument leaves some important key issues, it is not sound or
persuasive, if it included the item discussed above, argument would have been more through and
convincing.
As we have analysed that the argument is seriously flawed and weak, it would have been more
through and convincing by including the items discussed above.
To my mind it would be much better to identify the actual reasons of the fewer percentage of
involvement of Marnda Motors in accidents. Also precise information about the safety features of
the Maranda Motor cars, could strengthen the argument. (375 words)
3/6. Articles, subject verb agreement and phrases are an issue with you. A good essay will lose its
impact if riddled with language errors.
Research reveals that ownership of a dog can help reduce the occurrence of heart disease and help
the owner lead a long and healthy life. It is therefore recommended that the Cardina Hospital should
formalize an agreement with Cardina pet shelter to start an ‘adopt puppy’ program. This program
will help patients reduce their medical bills as many of them may therefore not require treatment.
Further, as awareness about such a program and its therapeutic effect increases, more people may
adopt pets from the shelter. This initiative will “eventually” bring down the number of incidences of
heart disease in country.
The argument that this ownership of a dog can help to reduce the occurrence of heart disease and
help the owner lead a long and healthy life, omits some important concerns that must be addressed
to substantiate the argument. Furthermore, argument is seriously flawed, inconclusive and weak as it
relies on a series on invalid assumptions. The statement that follows the description of what are the
benefit of ownership of dog, alone does not constitute a logical argument in favour of adoption of
dog, and it certainly does not provide support or proof of main argument.
Most conspicuously, the argument does not address the cause of the problem of heart attack. First, a
look at the argument’s major flaws. To begin with, the argument assumes that research is a reliable
source of information. Also adoption of dog is simply a cure of heart disease is arbitrary, and
argument should provide the strong reason or proof that how adoption of dog can help the heart
patients. Another major assumption is that all patient are able to afford a dog as it is long period
cure and it needs long time as well as money to rear the dog. Another problem here is all heart
patient would not young and most of them might be very old and unable to walk, might not able go
for jog with the dog. Adopting dog is also not the permanent cure. Most of the people might have
allergy or their circumstances does not suits the dog so they can’t got with this kind of cure. What
happen if patient are not comfortable with pet? It might be very dangerous if they are unable to
handle the dog properly.
Because the argument leaves some important key issues, it is not sound or persuasive. If it included
the items discussed above instead of solely explaining what is the cure of heart disease, the argument
would have been more thorough and convincing.
As we analysed that argument is seriously flawed and weak, it would have been more convincing by
including the items discussed above.
To my mind it would be much better to identify the exact reason for heart attack. Also precise
information about the age group of heart patient and their individual circumstance, could strengthen
the argument. (380 words)
2.5/6 articles, subject verb agreement, verbs, and phrasal structure is amiss in the essay. Language
needs work. Argument needs better analysis, not easy way out points like this one has.
The following appeared in an advertisement:
“In a survey conducted a couple of years ago by a newspaper, it was learnt that cars manufactured
by Maranda Motors were involved in forty percent fewer fatal accidents to drivers than vehicles built
by any other single manufacturer. Moreover, Maranda does not manufacture red cars, which are
known to be involved in most accidents. Therefore, anyone concerned about safety and wants to
buy a car should buy the latest models of Maranda cars.”
Response:The advertisement of a car manufacturer named Maranda Motors states that anyone worried about
safety and wants to purchase a car should purchase latest models of Maranda cars. According to a
survey conducted by a newspaper, the cars manufactured by Maranda are fewer involved into
accidents as compared to other vehicles built by any other manufacturer. In addition to this, red
color cars are known to be involved in most accidents while red cars are not manufactured by
Maranda Motors. However the arguments are flawed and weak as it relies on series of invalid
assumptions.
Look at the first major flaw that advertisement has, is about red cars. Red cars are known to be
involved in most accidents which make the advertisement very superstitious. Accidents do not
depend on the colors of vehicles and it might be a reason that red cars are known to be involved in
most accidents because the most buying color in the cars category might be the red then definitely
red cars will be involved in most accidents which is not cleared as per the advertisement or if red
cars are most buying cars then Maranda Motors will lose its business by not manufacturing red cars.
The other flaws include the comparison of the cars of Maranda Motors with the vehicles of other
manufacturer. Here the comparison is made between two unlike categories as cars and vehicles
where vehicles not only consist of cars but also other motors as motorcycles, trucks etcetera. There
could not be any point of comparison between them. Another flaw about the involvement of
Maranda Motors cars in forty percent fewer fatal accidents. Here the information is incomplete
because the reasons of accidents may be others like high speed, carelessness, loss of control etcetera.
Moreover, every time only vehicles might not be the cause of most accidents.
In the end, the superstitious flaws and non-related comparison make the advertisement childish and
dubious. The advertisement given is not impressive and is baseless which does not give guarantee of
safety anymore.
The advertisement could have made a strong argument if it had mentioned the precise information
about power, technique, and engine etcetera used in Maranda cars providing better handling and
stability as compared to other vehicles manufacturer. (374 words)
4/6. Good work. Keep writing to improve further.
The argument above states that for a service oriented business, expense on human resources is the
main factor
in cost of production and the best way to reduce it is to restrict the work force to people who are
diectly involved.
The argument is seriously flawed and weak as it relies on invalid assumptions.
First, The argument states that the major factor to the cost of production is expense on human
resources however no
evidences are provided to prove this. Moreover, there is no statistical data provided to show the
percentage amount spent
on various other factors. Futhermore, there is no mention of other important foctors such as
management involvement,
demographic area of business, wide range of competitors excetra. Without considering these other
factors one cannot land
strictly on focusing human resources as the major factor.
Second, The argument relies on the fact that the best way to reduce to cost of production id is to
restrict the work force
to employees who are directy part of the business. This is yet another unsupported claim with no
facts or evidences provided.
Many service oriented gaints such as amazon, e-bay and e-ticketing sites rely hugely on third party
work force. Third party
involvement not only reduces the work load but also provides better market and financial grasp. In
addition to the above claim
there is no mention that the service provider used and provided better managerial and productive
skills to their work force.
Hence stating that removing work force which is not directly involved is flawed.
In the end, the inherent flaws and incomplete information makes the argument dubious without
these flaws the argument would be
strong.Hence restricting the work force may not be the best option to reduce the cost of production
and considering human resource
as the only major factor does not hold strong grounds.
As analysed, Better managerial skills and productive mathods can overcome the issue of work force.
To my mind other factors with
a well defined statistical data and analysis would help to define the cost of production for a service
oriented business. (347 words)
4/6. Pay attention to silly mistakes and spelling errors. They might cost you the precious one point
that takes you from 4 to 5.5. Good job.
The vice-president of cleopatra's way cites their analysis which revealed that they have sold well in
areas
where people are health and beauty conscious. Hence, they should build their new store in plainjane
town. The
evidences provided to support this claim are the sales in sport shoes and apparels and enrolments in
gym and
aerobics. The argument here in hand is seriously flawed and inconclusive as it relies on invalid and
faulty
assumptions.
First, The above argument states that the sale of beauty cosmetics is high in places where people are
beauty and
health conscious which depends on the analysis done by the company itself rather than an
independent analysis and
survey. Additionally, no statistical data/survey regarding the percentage of people in plainjane town
who are beauty
and health conscious are provided. Moreover, no survey has been done to provide evidence that the
people of plainjane
would be interested in cosmetics by cleopatra's way. The argument does not talk about the cost to
the company incurred
in setting up in plainjane town. In addition to this market competition and percentage capture is not
at all discussed.
Second, the agrument relies on the fact that the increase in sales of sports shoes and apparels have
gone up and enrolments
in gym and aerobics have touched all time high would benefit their proposal of setting in plainjane
town. This is again a
false analogy. The argument doesnot discuss any factors for this huge inclination rather than sticks
on assumption that people
in plainjane are beauty and health conscious. The huge turnaround may be due to some new trendy
footwear or apparel which is
transitionary in state or may be their is sale season or huge discounts going on. As for gym and
aerobics may be their is a new
scheme introduced which made huge enrolments. No evidences or claims are provided to support
the claim in the argument.
Furthermore, the argumenttalks about a new program 'active for life' introduced in schools and
based on this future potential
of the company cannot stand as there is no viable study/reports are provided for the success of such
programs.
The argument could be made strong if it mentioned various statistical data and independent survey.
Precise information regarding
the percentage of market capture and interest of people towards cleopatra's way would strengthen
the foundation of this argument.
Further cost analysis and investigations done regarding other factors involved in huge sales and
enrolments would better evaluate
this argument.
In the end, On analysis the information provided to support the argument is seriously flawed and
dubious. Without proper
information and additional information the argument cannot be made strong. Hence the advice
from vice-president to open store
in plainjane without survey and additional statistical data would not be the best of options.
Therefore the overall
vice-president's agrument is inconclusive and lacks information. (473 words)
4/6. If this essay was written within 30 minutes, it is very well done. Articles, comma splices and
small syntactical errors are making the essay seem less erudite. Pay attention to arbitrary
capitalization, sentence structures and paragraphing, which seems an issue here. Good job though.
Hanout No:AWPE1921302
3rd Essay
The author concludes that by layoff of the manpower who are not directly
involved in the production would leads to the reduction of unnecessary expenditures,
because author thinks that only workers who are directly involved in the
business have more importance than others not involved directly in the business.
This argument is convincing for several reasons because author says that if we keep
the employees who are directly involved in the business and fire the rest of the employees not
involved in the business directly
then production cost will be low.
First of all the assumption of the author that those employees who
are not directly involved in the business are not much valuable for the business is based
on the questionable assumption.
Let’s take an example. Suppose there is an insurance company that deals in different kind of
insurance selling and there are employees working at different hierarchy levels ,
like upper management which takes business decisions, make policy rules that can sustain in this
competitive era and provide maximum profit to the organization but while charging a minimal
amount of money to the customers and there are also the employees who sell these policies in the
market.
If we consider the author's concept then we should fire the upper management because they are
merely involved in the making of business strategies, rules for insurance making and once business
rules are made we should fire the upper management and keep only the end employees that are
direct in the contact of customers which would result in the business profit.
However it's not correct for many reasons.
suppose if we have removed the upper management and suppose after some time customer's
requirements has changed, For example initially there were insurance policies catering only to health
related problems and now customers need insurance that will be able to cover both health and
accidental problems then we need only upper management not the employees those the direct in the
contact of the customers because if insurance will not be able to meet the customer requirements
then it will result in business loss.
Finally author fails to consider that if we will keep only employees those are
directly involved in the business is totally unjustified because the only upper
managements are capable of making excellent business decision on right time
and with quality decision-making ability and are equally important for the growth
of the business and organization like other sales employees.
In my mind it would be much better to say that employees indirectly involved in
the business are equally important for the growth of the business as directly
involved employees.Company can reduce the production cost by charging employees for those
services that are free in current time for the employees
like free foods,free commutation services et cetera. Company should start charging a minimal
amount for free services ,say,20% to 30% of the total cost.
By this way we can reduce the production cost. (490 words)
3.5/6 While it covers many crucial points, the essay is difficult to read through because there does
not seem to be any structural design. Paragraphing in such essays is vital, because it ensures the right
kind of attention for important points. Also, pay attention to comma errors, which are many in this
piece. Full stop spacing is an issue too. Rest is fine.
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Hanout No:AWPE1921301
3rd Essay
The author concludes that it is better to have very short periods of
contract with the employees, say, three to five years , because technology is going very rapid
change and the technical knowledge of the employees is likely to become obsolete and
therefore it would be better to go in fresher as often as possible.
The author's line of reasoning isthat the technology is changing every day in this competitive
era . This argument is convincing in several ways. The author try to say that if
technology is changing rapidly then we should adopt new technologies as per
the new market demand and for this author suggests to keep changing our employees
honed with old technical knowledge and should be replaced with fresher as
often as possible.
First of all, author assumes: if technology is changing then we should
replace our employees having old technical knowledge with new fresher lashed-up
with new technology, is based upon the two questionable assumptions.
First, If the technology is changing then company should replace the old skilled
employees with fresher having knowledge of new technologies and
second ,only fresher can only cater the demand of new technology.
The author fails to consider that, we can keep the old employees and give them
training on new technologies, by this way we can solve the problem of rapidly changing
technology demand. There are still many technologies which are in the market
from many decades, like
JAVA,DOTNET,C and C++ and windows basic development is still being done on
very old technology C and C++ and there is improvement being done on these
technologies with the requirement of the time and these technologies needs experienced
employees to solve very complex problems and here fresher cannot do much more.
In my mind it would be better to say that if technology is changing rapidly
then it's not necessarily required that we should replace old skilled employees
but we should keep them and we should provide them trainings on new technologies
to meet the new technical market demand. (339 words)
3.5/6. No serious flaws. Practice to improve.
As the firms started relying on the 'knowledge' as a soul to their work, Peter Ducker was among the
first management theorist to recognize a change in the business world. By recognising the true value
of an employee for its firm, Ducker rejected the concepts as were proposed by 'Taylorism', rather
came up with the notion of 'Knowledge-workers'. Although, the argument recognises a 'technology
driven change' in the work scenario, yet it omits some important concerns which must be addressed
before concluding that the newer recruitments is the only possible way to ensure more 'up-to-date'
and latest technical knowledge for the firm.
Let’s take an example: There are a large number of modern therapies being introduced quite
frequently to treat a psychiatric patient, going by the logic of the argument, the psychiatrist should
give up practicing when he recognises that there are new treatment methods and therapies are
coming up and his method of treatment is of no use. But, is it true?
First, knowledge tends to evolve from the existing form of knowledge. As the new therapies are
based on the already existing therapies, similarly, each modern technology is the advancement of the
old technology. Knowledge gained by a person may become less important, but will never go vein.
In addition, years of experience. That psychiatrist must have had experience in dealing with a large
number of patients and hence, has much more polished sense of knowledge than a fresher. Foucault
suggested 'Knowledge is power'. Therefore, experienced employees, with greater knowledge are
likely to have more power than an employee who is new in the industry.
Second, considering a psychiatrist perspective, a psychiatrist will never invest in something that will
be of no use to him after 5 years. Similarly, an employee, who is aware that he will not be retained by
the firm after 5 years, will never find the job as fulfilling as it might have been otherwise. Growth
prospects, employees' learning opportunities and a sense of belongingness, as prime motivators will
loose their importance.
Third, recruitment is a value laden process that requires a lot of energy, time and money. Finding a
profile that can suit the organizational culture can be a difficult task and constant recruitments make
the process even more difficult and tiresome for the employers. To add, with such continous
transition in the employee force, the organisation might even fail to retain its culture.
Since the argument wrongly assumes that freshers can be the only source of technologically
advanced knowledge, the soundness of the argument was questioned. In conclusion, it can be
suggested that in order to ensure technological advancement and to ensure success, presence of
experienced employees becomes essential for the firm. Ducker suggested employees of a knowledge
based industries are the asset to the firm who demands investment. So, rather than investing money
on recruiting fresh employees, the money could rather be wisely allocated in training the already
existing employees. (489 words)
4/6. A good essay. Practice to improve.

ARGUMENT
:
In the case of technology driven concerns it is always better to have very short periods of contract
with the employees, say, three to five years. This is because, as technology is undergoing rapid
change, the technical knowledge of the employees is likely to become obsolete and so it would be
wise
to
go
in
for
freshers
as
often
as
possible.
RESPONSE
:
The argument asserts that it is better to have very short periods of contract with the employees due
to the rapid development in technology omits some important concerns that must be addressed to
substantiate the claim. According to the passage the changing technology is likely to cause the
technical knowledge of the employees to become unuseful and hence the freshers must be
appointed more often. In making this claim the argument, conspicuously, makes use of a few
assumptions, which if stated, would otherwise have become more affirmative.
The argument fails to interpret and analyze the plausible consequences of recruiting the freshers
more often and eventually firing the employees within the organization. First, hiring freshers would
involve full length training programme and expenses associated with it would force the management
to take into consideration the affordability of the organization. Second, increasing the no. of
employees would have the organization expel its employees whom they believe to possess outdated
technical knowledge. This would not only discourage the employees withing the organization but
also hamper its reputation as the applicants aspiring growth will be more selective about the
companies they will be applying to. For example, an employee Mr.‘X’ working in an organization
puts in a lot of hard work and dedication and is loyal towards the organization. Latter, to welcome
freshers aboard, expels Mr.‘X’. Not only this will impact the reputation of the organization but the
perceptions
of
the
applicants
wanting
to
join
the
organization.
Third, the argument assumes that all the freshers are very well trained and equipped with the latest
technological knowledge. Furthermore, there may also be the hiring costs involved. For example if
the organization has their employees appointed from the consultancy firm/s. The argument also
overlooks the fact that how important is the experience of the employees working in the
organization.
Contradictory to what the argument suggests, the companies can initiate the training programme for
the employees that will acquaint them to the required technical applications. This will solve the
problem of having too many freshers and also the organization will continue to benefit from the
experience of their on board employees. (354 words)

4/6. A good attempt, indeed.
The passage above mentions that Beneatton University Dean wants to add vocational courses to it
curriculum as an optional course. The fact that Socrates vocational college is at its heights and has
remarkable results, it will be beneficial for students to have such an option besides their main course,
so that they can have a plus in their skill set. The placement figure in the passage states it as a step
ahead for secured future.
In a competitive world like ours, extra learning will only be an add-on to one’s personality.
For the students who had had these courses are successful and hence there is no harm in saying that
this advice, if implemented will prove to be a Boon to the society.
But the fact cannot be denied that than students may start focusing on the optional courses only
despite of going through the core learning. Like stated, two months of vocational course
engagement increased the placement percentage to 95%, which implies that just graduation does not
help much. Also this may lead to more importance for vocational courses than mains to increase the
placement record of the university. Students may find it easier to go for vocational classes rather
than spending time on main curriculum.
Also it leaves us at a thought: What about the merit students who didn’t went through vocational
course
To my mind it will be better if we can have a survey requesting students to vote out for their needs.
Also if we can have the free layout for the new fee structure, so that student can make decisions as
per
their
affordability.
Also if majority is willing to have this optional course than it will be good to add such courses to
main curriculum so that the take away is imparted to every student.
In the end, this can be a well planned add on for ones career and one can b distinguished from the
crowd, but it will also depend on how the resources are utilised. (334 words)
3.5/6 pay attention to silly errors in structures. Hyphes and commas are also an issue. The content is
fine.
Essay
1:
According to a research, it is recommended to adopt a pet in order to reduce heart diseases and
hence the respective bills. An affiliation is further suggested between Cardina Hospital and Cardina
Shelter to start a ‘adopt a puppy’ program which can help in reduction of medical bills and
eventually bringing down the number of incidences of heart disease in the country.
The recommendation above is based on a number of assumptions. Keeping the pets will ensure
that the heart patients will not require the treatment again is one big assumption. Moreover, it has
not taken into account the likes/dislikes of an individual, space and cost of keeping a pet. The time,
commitment for rearing a pet is also essential and has to be considered.
To elaborate further on the points mentioned in the above paragraph in a sequential order, it can be
a possibility, people can again fall ill which can be caused due to any other reason like bad eating
habits, lack of exercise or due to any unforeseen incidents. Also, few people might be allergic to
dogs or even animals or to put simply, they do not like keeping pets. People might not have enough
space to keep pets in their houses. Keeping a pet can be very expensive which can nullify the effect
of reduced medical bills. Moreover, keeping a pet is a full time job and a big responsibility and
requires not only time and can be difficult for people who are already a running a busy schedule.
To my mind, for reduction in heart diseases and eventually the medical bills, an alternative, can be to
encourage people to incorporate a healthy lifestyle, regular exercise and a regular health checkup. In
addition to this, there can be some health awareness campaigns done in the hospitals or in societies.
Even,
people
can
be
encouraged
to
visit
pet
shelters.
Conclusively, “To adopt a pet” can be left to peoples’ discretion and alternative paths can be
explored to combat heart problems.(333 words. You’re half evil!)
4/6. FINALLY someone who corrected the horrid article error that this question has. THANK
YOU for writing ‘adopt a puppy’ instead of ‘adopt puppy’, whoever you are. This phrase crawls on
my brain like mealworm! OK. But seriously, no major language flaws. A good job on the analysis.
Essay
2:
The given argument states that the main cost in the service industry is on human resources and in
order to curtail the same, restriction of the work force only to those who are directly involved in the
business
is
recommended.
The above advice ignores/obviates an important factor which is that for a steady and sound growth
of a business, decentralization of work is crucial apart from cost minimization. It is also not
considering the scale of the business. The recommendation is also not taking into account other
reasons of costs in service industry which is the infrastructure expenses. It also ignores the impact of
reduction
in
employment
on
the
society
as
a
whole.
To elaborate further on the decentralization point mentioned in the preceding paragraph, take
example of Mr. X who is the owner of a big advertising business along with his other family
members. Going by the recommendation, if these family members were the only employees of the
business, then the cost of salaries will indeed head south. But, only 3 members will not be able to
manage the entire business. There will be over burdened with work, be it clerical, transportation,
advertising, printing and other integral aspects of running an advertising business. Even if they seek
help from their close relatives, the scale of business can be quite huge to manage. In today’s service
industry, companies are having such a huge scale, that they are opting for “Outsourcing” of their
work
to
other
organizations.
Moreover, few service companies provide quite luxurious offices for their employees which can
boost the cost towards north. Also, if companies will not employ people, it can eventually lead to
increase in unemployment in the economy as a whole since not everybody has enough capital to
start a business of their own. This can eventually lead to unrest in the society having a serious impact
on
the
overall
economy
as
a
whole.
To my mind, an alternative for cost minimization can be that the employees can be provided a
decent infrastructure rather than a luxurious office. The bonuses and the salaries increments can be
performance based which can motivate the employees through corporate competition. To conclude,
rather than not giving an opportunity to the human resource at all, it will be advisable to benefit
from its true potential, utilized in the correct manner. (389 words)
3/6. While the analysis is well done, the presentation lacks a few key features. Structure and
paragraphing is absent. Too many words to say few things. Idiomatic usage and tense errors. Read
some samples for improvement.
The argument mentioned in the problem has some flaws. The basis of the given research is
unknown and it is hard to generalize such kind of theories. Further the given 'adopt puppy' program
may be partially successful according to different geographical and cultural diversities. The cost for
the adoption and nourishment of puppies should also be taken into account.
Take Mr. X. Mr. X works in a multinational corporation and has to travel to different places of the
world. Mr. X is a heart patient.
According to the assumptions of the problem, the adoption of puppies helps improve the health of
heart patients. But in case of Mr. X, it may not be helpful to his health because of the amount of
time that Mr. X spends away from his home. In addition to this, there is hardly a chance that a
person with the kind of job of Mr. X has might be willing to adopt a puppy as he will not be able to
take care of the puppy and in case he is willing to adopt one, it will add further burden on Mr. X
instead of relaxing him which ultimately will result in the increased chances of heart problems. The
only explanation of the assumption taken in the problem is that it assumes that taking care of a
puppy includes going on a walk or running with the puppy and a feeling of love that the owner feels
towards his belongings but both of these reasons are invalid in the case of Mr. X. In some other
cases, the patient might be unwilling to adopt a puppy due to financial and cultural reasons.
There are several instances where the people who adopt pets suffer from various diseases which are
caused from their pets as many diseases are communicable from animals to human beings. The
assumption taken in the problem that the awareness of the 'adopt puppy' program will increase, it
may also backfire due to the above mentioned reason. There may also be some cases in which the
owner has to pay for the treatment of the diseases caused to their pets which eventually will add to
the expenditure of the patient instead of reducing his hospital bills.
To bring the argument to a close, certain assumptions taken in the problem are baseless. One
possible solution is to make seperate department for the heart patients in Cardina Hospital where
the patients may play with the pets of the hospital and relax for some time. Another solution might
be to provide free treatment to all the pets under the 'adopt puppy' program so that that more
patients are willing to adopt a pet. (446 words)
4/6. A good essay for a first attempt. Definite potential. No major problems. Pay attention to full
stop spacing please.
As we have witnessed, the argument cannot be generalized for all, so further research and survey
should be conducted and different solutions should be developed for different regions and cultures.
The argument mentioned in the problem consists of partially correct and partially flawed
assumptions. The above argument generalizes the statement that consumers are more satisfied when
they get extra items, than when they pay less. Further, this scheme of offering extra items might not
work well for all kind of products. Also, the offering scheme varies with the competition in the
market.
Take Mr. X. Mr. X is a middle class worker who works six days a week and has a family to support.
Mr. X is the only working member in the family.
If Mr. X goes to the market to buy a product, then it is almost certain that he will not be willing to
pay for extra item but will prefer to get a discount on the same number of items. This proves that
the above mentioned theory in the problem to be not universally true. In addition to this, there may
be some cultures that might not support this scheme of giving more than needed. Also, it is not
essentially true that the extra product is used by all the customers which will result into wastage of
the product.
It is true that the manufacturers also gains by selling more items and volume of their business
increases, but the manufacturer should also consider the schemes offered by its competitors. For
example, if in an under-developed country, a manufacturer is giving discount on its product while
another manufacturer is offering an extra item, then the probability is more that the customers
would prefer the discount rather than the extra item and thus the sales for the other manufacturer
would decrease resulting into losses.
The scheme offered also depends on the kind of product. If the product is rarely used or its lifetime
is quite high, then offering an extra item might not attract more customers as compared to the
scheme of offering discounts.
To bring the argument to a close, the scheme to offer extra quantities of product should not be
generalized. Before offering the scheme in the market, proper surveys should be conducted on the
demands of the consumers. Different schemes should be provided based on the different class of
customers or on the different kinds of product.
As we have witnessed, there should be different schemes according to the type of product and,
cultural and geographical differences. Also, the adopted scheme should be flexible enough so that it
could be altered as per the situation and competition in the market. (415 words)
4/6. Check previous feedback.
Hi Karishma,
Kindly find the essay with the argument below.
The
following
appeared
in
a
memo
from
the
sales
director
of
Antedeluvian
Technology,
a
software
development
firm:
"The
best
way
to
reverse
Antedeluvian
Technology's
recent
decline
in
profits
is
to
require
each
new
employee
in
Antedeluvian's
sales
division
to
enroll
in
the
popular
vitae
English
Institute's
seminar.
Last
year,
the
consultancy
company
technohelp
began
incorporating
Vitae's
week-long
seminar
into
its training program for all new sales employees, and since that time
techno
Help's
total
sales
have
increased
dramaticall.Also,
according
to
a
recent
article
in
a
reputed
lifestyle
magzine,
the
Vitae's
sales
system has been widely adopted by many top companies, and the employee
turnover rate at these companies is lower today than five years ago.
Therefore,
by
enrolling
Antedeluvian
sales
employees
in
the
Vitae's
seminar we will also retain our highestcaliber salespersons."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------This argument states that the declining profits of Antedeluvian's could be reversed if the
new employees in sales department are exposed to training from Vitae English Institute.
The seminar from the Vitae institute helped Technohelp to increase their sales since they
have included it in their training program. One of the lifestyle magazines has published an
article which states that the profits of the companies following Vitae's strategy has
significantly increased. However, the above memo is seriously flawed, inconclusive and weak
as it relies on a series of invalid assumptions.
As mentioned in the argument, Antedeluvian Technology is a software firm while Technohelp
is a consultancy firm, and thus, there could be an assumption that the Vitae's seminar is beneficial
to the consultancy firms only. Another major assumption is that in spite of declining profits, the
company still has the courage to invest in providing training to the new sales employees.
Another major assumption is that here magazines are considered as the reliable source of
information.
Moreover, the companies do not believe in disclosing the strategy they follow and prefer keeping
them
confidential. So this could be a big assumption that the companies are publically sharing their
strategies
to
any
media source.
The sales director could have made a strong argument if he/she had examined the results of a
Software
development firm instead of consultancy firm. Also he could have brief the contents of the Vitae's
seminar in order to strengthen the argument. One could better evaluate the argument if the actual
cause
of the sagging profits of the Antedeluvian were investigated. Also, for a further evaluation of the
argument, the cost-benefit analysis of providing the seminar to sales employees should be
considered.
The inherent flaws and incomplete information make the argument dubious. Without the flaws
referred to and with additional relevant information, the argument would be strong. The Vitae's
seminar may not be the best of the options. Therefore, the director's argument is seriously flawed
and inconclusive and if the advice is followed, it may lead to serious problems. (354 words)
3/6. For and essay of 350 words, this piece has too many repetitions and lacklustre paragraphing.
The content is promising but gets lost in the repeated phrases and the replete use of flaw-pointing.
That should be the strategy only for the beginning, after which the argument should stand on its
own and not rely on finger pointing and criticism. Read a few essays to get the sense of critiquing a
flawed
argument.
Question:
In the case of technology driven concerns it is always better to have very short periods of contract
with the employees, say three to five years. This is because, as technology is undergoing rapid
change, the technical knowledge of the employees is likely to become obsolete and so it would be
wise to go in for freshers as often as possible.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The argument states that it is always better for the technology driven concerns to have very short
periods of contract with the employees, say three to five years. The reason stated by the argument is
the technologies undergoing fast transition and the technical knowledge of the employees getting
obsolete with time. The argument suggests hiring freshers more often than retaining the experienced
employees.
However, there are several flaws which may not necessarily apply to the betterment of the
technology driven concerns. The short periods of the contact with the employees might create the
sense of job in-security in the employees. Employees would not be able to foresee their future in the
long run. The concerns with such ideology would not be a choice of work for the employees who
have 2-3 years of work experience and are willing to explore opportunities in other companies.
The other flaws of the argument includes the reason to have very short contract with the employees
is the technologies undergoing fast transition and the technical knowledge of the employees getting
obsolete with time. For example, mainframe technology was developed a long year back and is still
as popular and in use as any other technology. Thus, the assumption that every technology will come
to an end or will be changed is superstitious. The change in the technologies cannot be a valid
reason as advancements might occur which may enhance the technology, and the advancement can
be better implemented if there is retention of skilled resources.
the argument suggests to hire freshers as often as possible is based upon the assumption that they
would start off with the work as early as possible. The freshers would require prior-training which
again would be practically not good and feasible in absence of experienced resources. This would
also incur the training cost to be borne by the company. Moreover, the freshers would not be able
to deal with the critical situations as firmly as the resource well acquainted with the system and
technology, which may lead to serious loss of the company both financially and in terms of Business.
Freshers may also not consider the firm with such ideology as the step to their carrier thinking about
their job security and the absence of guidance of senior resources or employees.
Conclusively speaking, the shorter contract period with the employees might weaken the base of the
company. As we have analyzed the argument, what could have been done in the betterment of the
company was to remove the redundant positions in the organization than limiting the contract
periods. The ratio of the freshers to the experienced employees should be set as per the
requirement and the nature of work. Hence, the argument requires more analysis and consideration
of the adverse effects before getting implemented. (466 words)
3/6. Punctuation, articles, hyphen use, phrasal verbs and structural clarity need a lot of work. Subject
verb agreement maybe an issue too. Repetition of the word ‘fresher’ is disconcerting. Try using
different words to express similar meaning. For example, freshers can also be written as fresh
graduates, graduates, young adults, young personnel, young employees, youthful resources, trainees
et cetera.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Question: our T.V. channel WOW should stop music and song based programs and instead
become a news-based channel. Of late, the total number of viewers has decreased while the number
of elders in the areas where our channel operates has increased.besides this,the sales of video
cassette in our area has also decreased.The T.V.channels in the neighbouring cities and towns are
doing good business, and a survey conducted just before the elections reveals that the localities want
to be more politically aware.
The argument states the suggestion of the T.V. channel WOW to stop music and song based
programs and instead become a news-based channel. The reasons put-up by the channel is the
decrease in the numbers of total viewers of the channel and increase in the number of elders in its
operating region. The channel also mentions the decline in the sales of video cassettes in their area.
The channel makes references of the good business done by other T.V. channels in the
neighbouring cities and towns and relies on the survey done prior to elections which reveals that the
localities want to be more politically aware.
However, there are several flaws in the argument of the WOW T.V. channel which may not
necessarily apply to become a news based channel. Entertainment is as important as becoming aware
with what is happening around the globe. Listening or watching the news might not be assumed as
the prime choice of all the viewers in a particular area of operation.
The other flaws of the argument include the reason of its plan which is the increase in the number
of the elders in the operating region of the channel. The channel is making an invalid assumption
that the elders are more prone to listen to news than music or songs. There might be just a change in
the choice of the music or songs as the age increases. For example, an elder person may be reluctant
to listen to the high beat songs but may prefer listening to instrumentals and at the same time may
demand to listen to news sometime in the day.
In addition to that, the decline in the sales of the video cassettes in its area might be a false analogy.
The probable cause of the decline can be T.V. channels becoming the source of the requirements
which people look for in video cassettes. Moreover, the decline in the sales of the video cassettes
can’t be considered as a sign of people deviation from music and songs and inclination towards
listening news.
The comparison made with the good business done by other T.V. channels does not clearly state
that other T.V. channels are just selling their news and have ended their ways of entertaining people
through music and songs based programs. People do have anxiety to know the probable results of
the elections and their statistics prior to elections, thus the assumption based upon the survey
conducted prior to election can’t be treated as a reliable source for the channel to become a news
based channel. The surveys conducted not primarily just before or during elections might reveal
different data and statistics.
Conclusively speaking, the suggestion to end up the music and songs based programs might not
increase the total number of viewers and business. As we have analyzed the argument, what could
have been thought to increase the total number of viewers, was to identify the total number of
viewers of each program and their most preferred time to these music or songs or news based
programs. The Channel should decide to mix and rotate the news along with the music or songs
based programs so that no audience is missed and the diversity is maintained.
Hence the argument requires more precise data before taking a decision to switch to news based
channel and needs to consider the adverse effects before implementing its plan of action. (568
words)
3/6. Check previous feedback.
The cost involved in human resoures in services sector is the substantial part of the total expenses
incurred. Identification of intermidiaries who are not directly involved in the business and eliminting
them is a problem here.
The service sector industries involve, Business Process Outsourcing (BPO), Knowledge Process
Outsourcing, Consulting firms, Banking sector, IT sector, data industry etc. Taking the case of data
industry the major departments involved are IT, HR, Finance, Research, Marketing and corporate
affairs. The main production is done by the research department which can further have a training
department and a QA department. The major costs associated involve (true across the industry)
salaries, medical insurance, transport cost, training costs et al. With right type of training the research
team can work more independently and require less of QA team involvement thus keeping the costs
low per unit of data produced. If we talk of BPO's transport costs are a mojor concern for them to
tackle.
A survey can be helpful in this case covering various service sector firms which can share their
experinces about what are the major costs they incur on human resources, their nature and amounts
thus making it easier for us to analyze.
Attrition rate is another major issue hurting most of the service sector firms. All the efforts and
costs involved in training people to work on a particular proess goes in vein if the employee leaves
just after training.
To conclude there are many ways of cost saving in services sector rather than just removing the
intermediaries. There can be a case wherein the process is already running with an optimum level of
people who should be there as per the assumption of business involvement but still there is scope of
cost saving involving other means.
Few suggessions involve, like for data indusrtry try to produce as much data in house as possible and
rely less on outside data feed since the vendor providing the data feed will rule the terms and
increased dependance will make it likely for a raise in the cost in near future. Controlling the
transport department up to its fullest efficiency so that the major chunk of the human resource costs
can be controlled. Bonds can be signed with employees for a minimum time period so as to curb the
attrition rate issue. (386 words)
2.5/6. This essay has a lot of potential but needs work in over-all presentation. Read some samples
and do some comparing to understand what I mean.
Q3: In service oriented business, the main factor in the cost of production is the expenses on human
resources. Hence, the best way to reduce the cost of production is to restrict the work force to those
who are directly involved in the business, and remove those who are not.
My
answer:
The given argument draws a conclusion based on limited facts and unclear premises which are
questionable.
The argument concludes to restrict the workforce to those who are directly involved in the business
but there is no premise to identify such workforce, since identification of workforce directly
involved with business is based on perception of the person describing it. For instance senior
employees of the business involved in getting new work for the organisation are not directly
involved in revenue generation but are contributing to the business as a whole by maintaining a
sustainable business ecosystem in the firm. In another instance, a firm might have workforce
involved in research activities to develop skills required to deliver services to the client. This would
again not be revenue generating workforce but is contributing to the business.
Another reason which undermines the conclusion of restricting the workforce is that running a
business involves several essential activities which are not directly related to it but necessary for
running an organisation smoothly. First, the monetary transactions of getting money from client,
maintianing bank accounts of firm, payment of salaries of employees and other costs et cetra. A
dedicated person/team managing these activities is necessary and in absence of this would lead to
disgruntled employees and vendors thereby stopping the business. Second, laws of a nation require
several activities/formalities. Again, to manage these a dedicated team would be required and
absence of such team would give rise to unfavourable conditions in the firm.
Considering the shortcomings with the argument, the argument is not clearly substanciated. A clear
definition of workforce directly involved in busniness could help evaluate the argument better. If the
concerns mentioned above are also taken into account, the argument will be refined to represent a
more realistic situation. (295 words)
3/6. A good essay with minor spelling errors. Content could be longer and thus better but practice
should improve upon that.
The argument that ownership of a dog can help reduce heart diseases is weak, flawed and is not
backed by facts. Moreover
pushing cardiac patients to adopt a puppy can add to their stress since it takes a lot of commitment
and responsibility. The
assumption that a pet dog can reduce the heart diseases to such an extent that medical bills of the
patients will be reduced
is also flawed since research is silent about the type of heart disorders in which they are helpful and
also the cost of
keeping a pet is ignored. The country wide impact of the research is also debatable since
demographics of the sample on which
the research is done is not clear.
It is often suggested by cardiologists that keeping a pet can reduce your stress levels and help you
calm down after a hectic
day at work. But at the same time "there are no free lunches", the commitment that goes in
surviving a pet can actually
become a source of stress for some. A survey on the local population on their likings about keeping
dog as a pet will be very
helpful before the hospital starts up with the 'adopt puppy' programme. The demographics are
equally important, elderly and
non-working population will be able to devote more time to the pet and take proper care of it.
A pet dog can surely be very helpful in controlling stress levels but when it comes to serious heart
diseases only medical
care can be helpful. If the hospital is for ways of reducing heart diseases then it must carry out a
lifestyle survey on the
local population and try to find out the probable causes. The age group which is most prone to such
ailments, the occurrence
of disease in male-female compared, eating habits connection with the disease, workout patterns,
type of job people do et cetera. .
The hospital must also consider the availability of space with the patients for keeping the dogs.
There can be an instance that the patient lives in a small apartment and does not has enough space
to gives the dog a good life. Also, certain people are allergic to the dog hair and if such a heart
patient gets a pet dog then it can prove even more detrimental. There is also a problem of breed
selection and its social impact. There are certain breeds of dogs which are very aggressive and bark a
lot while some may be quiet. Some breeds have long hairs thus making it even more difficult for the
owners to keep them lice free. Finding a good veterinary doctor for the pet can also be a challenge.
The people who are working with no one at home to take care of the pet may find it even more
difficult to keep a pet dog. So, availability of dog day cares can also be a problem.
What about other pets like fish or birds?. Fish unlike dogs are quiet pets and have equally good
impact on reducing the stress levels of the owner.
To conclude the hospital must analyse the patients demographics, lifestyle, economic status et al and
then formalise a plan based on which only those who are in the prevention stage can be suggested to
go for a pet dog.
An alternative to this could be Cardina hospital can start Yoga and cardiac exercises camps and
encourage its patients to participate in them. (573 words)
4/6. If you wrote this essay in a half hour, it is quite good. You may think of curtailing the words to
under 500 though. This way, you could save time to edit and revise instead of leaving in spelling
errors and minor structural mistakes. Practice more.