Aria Amato
WRT304
Project One:
Community Service Narrative
Pre- Treatment: It’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly when it all began. When I’m
asked when this all started, I never have the answer. It’s difficult for me to
understand how and why I developed this disorder. I lost forty pounds over an
abnormally, short period of time. I was part of a vicious cycle of losing and gaining
weight, while going from diet to diet. At the start of my sophomore year of college,
my parents and friends started to get concerned with my eating patterns. I started
to see a doctor and a nutritionist weekly in hopes of maintaining a stable weight and
sticking to a healthy meal plan. I never categorized myself as being anorexic
because I was putting at least SOME food in my body everyday. I thought well, ‘I’m
not anorexic because people who are don’t eat anything at all.’ I was wrong.
Towards the end of my junior year, my weight continued to get lower and lower.
When my weight continued to drop, my doctor and nutritionist held a meeting with
my parents and myself and suggested that I get serious help. My doctor looked me in
the eye and said, “You are going to end up in the hospital. You need to treat food like
it is medicine”. I was so afraid.
Evaluation: I went to Butler Hospital for an evaluation to see if I would meet the
criteria to enter their Eating Disorder Program. I did not realize the severity of my
problem until I was getting asked all these questions. I sat there for an hour,
confessing habits and thoughts that I never told anyone. I was only eating around
500 calories a day, was obsessed with weighing myself, and had anxiety 24/7.
Amongst that, I had a distorted view of my body image, had an intense fear of
gaining weight, exercised compulsively, only ate a few “safe” foods, read nutrition
labels religiously, and dealt with so much more. I also began to develop OCD.
Everything always had to be clean and in place and my schoolwork had to be done
on time and absolutely perfectly. I took it to the extreme, not knowing that these
were all signs of an eating disorder.
Treatment: I was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Unspecified). The first
day of treatment I was shaking with fear. My mom dropped me off that day and
wanted to do whatever she could to make me feel more comfortable. Seeing how
upset this made my parents broke my heart. I felt terrible for being the way I was,
but I could not help it. The program started on a Monday and was everyday from
8:30-3:30. We had to sit in a small room all day around a small, square table. The
only other things that were in the room were a whiteboard, a radio, and crayons.
Throughout the day, we had different ‘classes’. We had to plan all our meals with a
nutritionist and our breakfast and lunch was supervised. The first five days was
extremely difficult. My stomach physically ached because it was not used to me
putting food into it. I was in the program with 4 other girls, all of who thought the
same twisted thoughts that I did. Going there became something I started to
somewhat enjoy. I felt as though I had people that I couldn’t let down. My
doctor/therapist there became one of the only people in my life I’ve ever really been
able to open up to. We met for an hour each and everyday. Everything she said to me
during our sessions was always extremely intelligent and she always made sense of
every situation. When she needed to be, she was blunt and up front. She came off as
stern and strict but made me feel welcome and as if I could say whatever I wanted.
Her actions were to never criticize or judge me, but only meant to advise me and
lead me towards the right path. She asked me if I wanted her to become part of my
treatment team when I left the program, and I of course didn’t object. I was in the
program for 10 full days, and still continue to see her weekly.
After treatment: I left treatment in a better place than I was when I entered the
program. I stuck with my meal plan for a while, and then I started to backtrack again
and got into old habits. My anxiety was really twisting with my disorder and I was
really down on myself. I felt as though I failed. When my doctor noticed me slipping,
she suggested that I go back into treatment.
Round Two: Repeating the program a second time reinforced all the information I
already knew, but this time with a different group of girls. Twice a week we would
have group therapy, where we would talk to each other about whatever we were
going through. I distinctively remember one session in particular. The girl to the
right of me was half my size and she looked around 19 years old. I was shocked to
find out she was actually 27. Her story is one that will stick with me for a long time.
She told us she was hospitalized three times and had to be fed through a feeding
tube. She explained that she was in and out of treatment for 7 years. She started to
cry as she was telling us her story. We all just sat there and listened. When she was
23 years old she got pregnant. Due to her size and health, she had a miscarriage.
This event was one that she will never forgive herself for. She blamed herself for this
but knew that it was either the baby’s life or hers. She continued to describe how
she wanted her life to be and how she felt that she already wasted years of her life in
the disorder. She looked at me and said, “Learn from me. I’m not getting any
younger. I would do anything to be 21 and beautiful again”. To me, this was so eye
opening. It really put things in perspective. It allowed me to see the reality of the
situation. I knew I had to change and I knew I had to let go of my eating disorder.
After treatment: Going through treatment is something I will never forget. First and
foremost, it saved my life and overall well-being. Secondly, it taught me a lot of
information about eating disorders and the negative affects it can have on a human
being both physically and mentally. I was also in the process of learning how to able
to recognize what triggered my bad habits. Most importantly, I learned a
tremendous amount about myself.
What I learned: I discovered that not eating was my way of coping with certain
things and temporarily made me feel better about myself. Controlling my intake of
food felt like I had control over my life. In reality, so many things had been out of
control in my life and I felt that what I ate was the only thing I could control. It was a
sense of accomplishment for me. My scale was my best friend. Losing weight was
one of the only things I felt I could do right. Prior to this, I had no idea what or who
was driving these behaviors of mine. It was like I was battling with someone in my
head 24 hours, 7 days a week. My eating disorder was like a voice in my head that I
didn’t know how to turn off. My whole life revolved around food and it started to
affect my relationships with everyone. All I wanted to do was to be normal. I
realized that getting there was going to take a lot of hard work from me.
My Recovery: Recovery is an on going process. It doesn’t happen over night. While I
still may not be perfect, I have come a long way. I’m still recognizing that my eating
disorder thoughts are false reality. I am still working on identifying the underlying
dynamics that have brought me to disordered eating in the first place. I no longer
want my eating disorder as my top priority. I want to be successful and have a
family and kids. I don’t want to be a bad example to others. I want to help others
with this someday. I don’t want to worry about planning my days around food. I
don’t want my parents to have to spend any more money for treatment. I want my
old self-back. I don’t want to look back on my life and feel disappointed that I wasted
it in an eating disorder. I don’t want a number on the scale to have such a large
impact on my mood. I want to be warmer. I want my stomach to start digesting
normally. I want to have the strength to do more with my body. I want more energy
and to be able to channel it into something worthwhile. I want to be able to use my
brain to its full potential. I want to be happier and feel more at peace with myself. I
want to be able to truly enjoy food without the guilt. I want to be “present” in my
relationships with others. I want to feel somewhat ‘normal’ and I am taking full
responsibility for this.
This journey has taught me SO much, and I am constantly learning new
things, as I also hope this is eye opening for you as well. This experience has helped
me to better understand what I value most in life. I learned that I need to stay in the
moment and that I need to keep my expectations reasonable. I learned that I am not
crazy, irrational, or dumb. I learned a plethora of coping alternatives. I learned that
acceptance and patience is key and that everything requires work. I learned that I
cannot worry about the past, and that over-thinking only makes situations worse.
I know that this is a long and hard road and that I may even have more lapses or
slips. What’s important is that I keep trucking through this, and learn to pick myself
up when I fall. I realized… this is my LIFE I am messing with, and I want to be able to
experience it to the fullest. All of these valuable lessons have helped me everyday
and contributed to my development as a person. I know that things worthwhile
don’t come easy, and in order to get better I must put forth the consistent hard
work. I can say that the recovery process has been the most difficult thing I have
gone through but this program was the most important and essential thing I had to
do for myself. It’s an experience that will stay with me forever. It taught me skills
that I will use for the rest of my life. Without this experience, I am afraid to know
where I would be.