Working with Perpetrators of
Domestic Violence
Richard M. Tolman, Ph.D.
University of Michigan
School of Social Work
Violence against women and girls
continues unabated in every
continent, country and culture. It
takes a devastating toll on
women’s lives, on their families
and on society as a whole.
– United Nations Secretary-General Ban Kimoon
"We light this candle in recognition,
reflection, memory, and honor of all
battered women and children, especially
those who have been murdered by
their batterers."
Light candle.
"We invite any reflections or dedications you
wish to share."
Opening from the Alternatives To Domestic Aggression
Program groups, Michigan, USA
For men to research on the topic of
violence is demanding….it demands a
personal and political re-evaluation, a
process of consciousness raising. ….In
particular we need to be ready to
recognize the multiple ways in which
men can re-establish forms of power,
dominance and violence, even when
working against violence.
Jeff Hearn, 1993. Researching Men
and Researching Men’s Violences.
TRENDS
• In 1977 EMERGE began to provide
services for batterers
• Since then thousands of programs
established services batterers
NIMH Committee on Family
Violence (1992):
"acts that are physically and
emotionally harmful or that carry
the potential to cause physical
harm...(and) may also include
sexual coercion or assaults,
physical intimidation, threats to kill
or to harm, restraint of normal
activities or freedom, and denial of
access to resources."
American Psychological Association
(Koss et al., 1994):
"physical, visual, verbal, or sexual
acts that are experienced by a woman
or a girl as a threat, invasion, or
assault and that have the effect of
hurting her or degrading her and/or
taking away her ability to control
contact (intimate or otherwise) with
another individual."
DAIP Power & Control Wheel
• from:
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
206 West Fourth Street
Duluth, Minnesota 55806
• See handout
TRENDS
• Courts mandate large numbers of
batterers to receive treatment as a result
of increased arrest and prosecution of
batterers.
• Practitioners in many settings are
identifying batterers and need strategies
for effective intervention.
Research on Batterer
Intervention Programs (BIPs)
BIPs have a modest but positive
impact on ending violence, with some
studies showing them to have a much
larger impact on participants when
compared to men not participating.
Research, cont.
BIPs seem to help the majority of men end
their violence over a period of time.
Effective Components
It is not yet clear what BIP-specific
components help create these changes.
How to motivate?
BIPs incorporating motivational
enhancement components may help more
men change.
Typologies
Typologies of men based on personality
traits and variation among men based on
racial/ethnic group membership do not
appear to predict different outcomes.
Coordinated Community
Response
Men who participate in BIPs that are part of
coordinated responses with the criminal
justice system achieve better outcomes.
Individual Pathology
• Evidence of overrepresentation of
personality disorders
• Diversity of diagnoses limits pathology as
an explanation
• Many batterers without significant
pathology
Evidence of some relevant
individual factors
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High need for power
Poor verbal and communication skills
Emotional constriction
History of observing or being abused as a
child
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Intimacy anxieties
Social Learning Theory
• Abusive behavior learned
• Modeling processes prominent
• External control factors:
– reward
– punishment
• Self-regulatory mechanisms
– Self-punishment
– Attributions
Psychodynamic
• Emphasize attachment relationships
• Troubled relationship with mother, as
well as abusive father
• Results in intimacy problems, difficulties
in affective regulation, interpretive
systems which increase sensitivity to
threats
• Post-traumatic symptoms
Feminist Theories
• Emphasizes role of patriarchal social
structure in shaping men’s violent behavior
• Views violence as outgrowth of men’s
attempts to control
• Gender roles important factors in
determining behavior
Assumptions on Violence
• Violence is learned
– through direct experience
(victimization)
– through observation
• Power and control are central
• Changing behavior is possible
– involves resocialization or relearning
Group Programs
• 12-52 weeks
• 5 to 15 men
• Once/twice a
week
• Open or closed
groups
• Psychoeducational
• Male and/or
female group
leaders
• Continuum of
service contexts
Practice Models
Practice with men who batter currently draws
extensively upon several models:
– Profeminist
– cognitive-behavioral
• Often combined with profeminist
• Stand alone anger management controversial
– Psychodynamic
• formulations which emphasize the role of early
experiences of victimization and attachment
problems of batterers are drawing increasing
attention.
– Family systems
• Conjoint intervention controversial
Practice Models-Cautions
• The use of conjoint family models with
batterers remains controversial due to
fears of safety for victims in conjoint
sessions.
• Conjoint intervention may explicitly or
implicitly suggest that victims share
responsibility for the violence.
Practice Models-Challenges
• Practitioners struggle with caring for their
clients and ensuring their clients are held
accountable for their abusive behavior.
• Need to actively establish and maintain
collaborative relationships with other
partners in coordinated community
responses to effectively balance these
responsibilities.
Group Issues
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Level of structure
Negative bonding
Co-Leadership
Voluntariness
ABC’s of Denial
• It was an accident
• It happened in the
heat of the moment
• I blew up
• I went insane
• I didn’t control my
temper
• I’m justified in hitting
her
• She dissed me
• I didn’t know better
• I went off the edge
• I lost control
• I fly off the handle
• It caught me off
guard
• It was a mistake
• It came out of
nowhere
ABC’s of Denial
• It just came out
• She provoked me
• I have a quick
temper
• It’s a reflex
• I snapped
• I wasn’t thinking
straight
• I was up all night
• My verbal turned to
physical
• That’s just the way I
am
• I ran out of Xanex
• I yelled before I
knew what I was
doing
• I just zipped
Domestic Violence Institute of Michigan
Categories of “Denial”
• Minimization
– Discounting the effects of an assault or
abusive behavior
• Denial
– Stating or indicating that what happened
didn’t happen
• Blame
– Shifting responsibility for an abusive
behavior onto something or someone else
from: Pence and Paymar (1993), pg. 126
Minimization
“I hardly touched her”
“She bruises easily”
“I haven’t hit her in months, and she still acts
like I’m going to hit her”
“All I did was throw something, not even at
her”
“I wouldn’t really hurt her”
from: Pence and Paymar (1993), pg. 127
Denial
• I was trying to grab her and she fell
• I was acting in self-defense
• The court only listened to her side
from: Pence and Paymar (1993), pg. 127
Blame
“I was drunk”
“She just wouldn’t stop”
“She knows what will happen when she
acts that way”
“Her mother was always trying to cause
trouble between us”
“The shelter talked her into getting a
protection order”
from: Pence and Paymar (1993), pg. 127
Neutralizing Self-Statments
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Moral justification
Palliative comparison
Displacement of responsibility
Dehumanizing the victim
Attribution of blame to victim
Minimization/selective memory
Confrontation Techniques
• “I am really worried about you”
• Noting feelings, affect
• Power paradox-”She really is in control of
you”
– for externalizing
• Where does that power come from
– for justification
• Emphasize costs
Confrontation Techniques
• Questioning
– for confusion, minimization
• Emphasizing elements of control
– for “I just lost it”
• “That makes you really dangerous”
• “What would it mean if it were true”
– for not remembering, or saying partner is lying
Engagement
• Hate the behavior, care about the person
• Task is to make participation voluntary
– Invitations to accountability
– Finding self-interest, part that doesn’t like the
behavior or its consequences
• Set limits without being punitive
• Care without colluding
Increasing engagement
• Consider stages of change
• Keep confrontation respectful and nonhostile
• Increase court follow-through
• Focus on childhood experiences and
fatherhood
• Develop competence engaging abusers
from diverse backgrounds
Altering Awareness
• Awareness of cues
– Physical
– Situational
– Emotional
– Cognitive
– Mental imagery
• Plan alternative actions
Cues to Violence
• Situations
– holidays
– late at night
• Emotions
– frustrated
– fearful
• Red flag words
– Words prior to
escalation
• Negative self-talk
– I hate this crap
– I’ll show her
• Physical changes
– sweating
– stomach in knots
See handout
Safety Plans
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Awareness of high-risk situation
Inform partner
Set time limit
Reduce arousal
Think and plan
Reach out if necessary
Return, ready to leave again if
necessary
Managing Arousal
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Relaxation
Positive self-talk
Staying seated
Moving further away
Sitting on the floor
Alternative activity
Emphasize responsibility and choice
Emotional Awareness
• Anger as a secondary emotion
• Teach full-range of emotions
• Teach responsibility for one’s emotions
and reactions
• Most critical from attachment perspective
Cognitive Restructuring
• Work to change:
– Belief in entitlement to control
– Attributions to temper
– Externalizations of blame
– Abusive relationship beliefs
• Systematic cognitive distortions
• Replace with positive self-guiding selfstatements
Respectful Beliefs
• Connected but different
– she has a right to her own opinions;
differences not disloyalty
• Equal
– I’m better in some areas than she and she
is in others; sharing is better
• Reciprocal
– Sometimes her needs come before mine;
we respect each others wishes
Respectful Beliefs
• Concerned about Consequences
– I am responsible for my actions; my actions
have effects; impact on her must be
considered
• Collaborative
– It is better to make decisions together; we
do things for each other
• Mutual
– I am as responsible for this relationship as
my partner; I need to understand my
partner;
Skills
• Assertiveness
• Conflict resolution
• Communication
Case example-termination in an open
domestic violence perpetrator group
• At 40 weeks, begin completion form
• At 50 weeks, make a list of ten reasons
you are ready to leave
• At 52, Sankofa presentation
• Ghana origins
– Based on mythical bird that flies forward with
its head turned backward.
– Reflects belief that the past serves as a guide
for planning the future, or the wisdom in
learning from the past in building the future
40 week form
• Actions I will take if reabuse:
– Return to program
– Call police and report assault
– Call group members
– Move out
– Respect and follow her wishes
– Pay for her housing and child care and other
needs
– Have no contact if she wishes
40 week form continued
• Clues that would indicate I am choosing to
batter
– Being defensive
– Not discussing important issues
– Isolating myself or her
– Hanging out with others who batter or
encourage battering
– Expecting forgiveness, approval and
acknowledgement for “not battering”
10 signs I need to return:
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Lying
Degrading her
Being angry all the time
Giving up talking//I’m right
Losing temper
Throwing things
Feeling like I want to fight
40 week form, cont.
• What social support do I need
– Self-help groups
– Sponsor
– Phone calls
– AA
40 weeks, cont.
• 10 examples of abuse,
• at what point would you return?
Berry’s abuse hierarchy
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Strike
Chase and yell
Disable vehicle
Threaten physical harm by psychological terror
Threaten about financial support
Use kids to terrorize partner –threat of taking
custody
Restrict outings (by being too busy)
Close financial accounts
Belittle, say hurtful things
Embarrass her by his behavior
Barry’s 10 reasons he was
ready
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Come to understand controlling is a conscious decision
I know forms of power and control
I am reflective/ I catch myself at power and control tactics
I have higher values
I control my responses to events
I have personal accountability
I am aware of my clue
I am more respectful of other people
I am not isolating partner
I am more spiritual
Sankofa Outline
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What I did that brought me to the program
When I first got here, I described what brought me by saying:
Now I describe it like this:
I wish I came to ADA when I
What I thought when I first came
What I learned about myself in ada (core beliefs, tactics,
behaviors)
How I demonstrate accountability now
Resources I have in my life to support my commitment
What did I learn from mentoring experience
If I could change one thing about ADA what would that be?
Groups recommendations for me at the time I leave
Any other information I have been asked to complete
Social Change
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Bringing others to the group
Becoming “co-facilitators” “alumni”
Taking part in demonstrations or rallies
Beware of “celebrity”
Need to broaden social change efforts
Conjoint Counseling
• When couple intervention?
–Man not violent for six months
– takes responsibility
–Woman feels safe
–Woman does not blame self
–Both choose
Involving men as alliesGlobal
Iin of VAW
“There are promising strategies to
engage men in the prevention of
violence against women. “
United Nations Secretary-General’s in-depth
study on all forms of violence against
women launched 9 October 2006.
Mobilizing Men for Violence
Prevention
• Rapid expansion of efforts to move beyond
batterer intervention as central focus of men’s
efforts to end violence against women
• Global examples, inspirations
• Not much systematic data
• Envisioned research to document the scope and
focus of global efforts
• Contribute to understanding what men actually
do and the impact it has
Recent international conference
in Brazil
• http://www.engagingmen2009.org/24?locale=en_US
Reasons to Involve MenMen
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Many women want men to take a stand against
violence.
Most men do not agree with men's violence, yet do
nothing to challenge or stop it - these men need to be
mobilized to prevent violence.
Some men are already working to prevent violence but
lack support; many more would like to get involved but
don't know how.
Men commit most of the violence- it is up to them to
stop it
Men are not born violent-they become violent as a
result of beliefs and norms about what it means to be a
man. Work with men and boys can change these
beliefs and norms and support men in rejecting
violence
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Men have the potential to stop violence. Not only can
they choose to not perpetrate acts of violence, they
can choose to challenge the attitudes and assumptions
that support gender-based violence.
Gender-based violence continues despite years of
antiviolence work. The missing piece is effective
violence prevention work with men.
Men experience violence too-many are survivors but
few get the support they need to heal from their
experience.
Men and boys listen to their peers-we need to mobilize
men and boys to spread the violence prevention
message in their families, workplaces, and
communities.
Decision makers and opinion leaders are mostly menwe need to work with them to get the political,
financial, and moral support necessary to prevent
gender-based violence.
Reasons to Involve Men
Reasons--From WHO
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“Silent" majority of men who are against violence against women.
Working with men as partners will help to identify these allies in the
fight against this problem
Increasing number of men who are explicitly and working hard to
end violence against women and promote gender equality
The behaviours and values of men and boys affect the health and
well-being of others (girls, boys, women and other men) in their lives
Leaving men and boys out of efforts to end violence separates them
from the solutions to violence, reaffirms gender norms around male
violence and leaves the burden of addressing violence squarely on
women's shoulders
Addressing and challenging male violence with multiple partners including men who use violence and those that oppose it - can help
to better delineate the root causes of male violence
Working with men on this problem is an important strategy to
address the effects of violence on families. It has an important
positive effect on families and children’s health through their role as
fathers, partners and heads of household
What are goals
Berkowits (2004) proposed this typology
– Don’t commit violence (prevention)
• White Ribbon
• Rwandan Men’s Center
– Intervening in the violence of other men
• White Ribbon
• Call to Men
– Addressing root causes
• Call to Men
• Coaching boys into men
White Ribbon Campaign
• Global campaign started in Canada
after Montreal massacre
Daughters
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QcCeLxGe8UE
Because I love her…Pledge
Campaign in Singapore
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Because-I-Love-Her/150386035006007
Example Pledge StatementRwanda
The Stand and The Pledge - I understand…
That what I do and say can either encourage or discourage
stereotypes that can lead to gender based violence.
That gender based violence can happen to anyone.
That men and women are victims of gender based violence.
That gender based violence can be prevented.
That the overwhelming number of sexual offenders is men.
That real men don't use their power to rape.
That men must play a critical role in breaking the cycle of gender
based violence.
So, I promise to take a stand and never commit, condone,
accept, or stay silent about gender based violence.
To challenge other men to recognize that they can be
powerful without making others powerless.
To encourage all men to work together with women, using
their collective voices and resources to END gender based
violence in Rwanda.
South America - White Ribbon
• Many programs
globally focusing on
reaching boys
Coaching Boys into Men
Family Violence Prevention
Fund
•
http://endabuse.org/section/programs/public_co
mmunications/_coaching_boys
•
http://endabuse.org/userfiles/file/PublicCommu
nications/Father-and-Son-30-640x480.rm
• Men Can Stop Rape mobilizes male
youth to prevent men's violence
against women. We build young men's
capacity to challenge harmful aspects
of traditional masculinity, to value
alternative visions of male strength,
and to embrace their vital role as allies
with women and girls in fostering
healthy relationships and gender
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
equity.
Kenyan Campaign
One of these is your wife,
mother, sister,
grandmother, daughter
or friend.
Men Let’s Do Something
About This
Men Working to End
Gender- Based
Violence, FEMNET,
Kenya.
U.S. National effort
New mobilizing men project
http://www.mincava.umn.edu/mmvp/
Issues in mobilizing men
• Loss of focus
• What does it mean to organize against your self interest?
– Accountability issues
– involvement of men who will do damage
• Overlapping, contradictory, competing efforts
• E.g. scheduling of four related conferences within
weeks
• Sign of robustness or competing purposes?
• Professionalization or grass-roots
– qui bono?
– Who leads?
• Evidence of effectiveness? Much effort, what results?
• Overemphasis on individual not structural solutions
ADA closing ritual
• Leader reads:
– “I will create opportunities for healing and restoration
because this continues to solidify my commitment to life
without violence and misogynist beliefs and offers hope for
the future as I develop the capacity for enduring
relationships based on respect, accountability, honest, trust
and partnership.”
– The group HOLDS HANDS and the group leader reads:
– “We observe 12 seconds of silence in recognition of our
mothers, our sisters, our daughters, our wives, our
partners, our friends who are severely battered every day.”
– 12 seconds
– Blow out candle
– Accountability pledge: “I commit all my efforts to seek
acccountability in my thinking and actions, and to
provide safety and respect to everyone in my life.”