Chapter 4
Intimate Relationships and
Communication
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Developing Intimate Relationships
• Be willing to give of yourself
• Self-concept, self-esteem, and self-acceptance
– Feel good about yourself
– Have a healthy relationship with yourself
– Roots of our identity and self are developed during
childhood
• Relationships with parents and family members
• Gender role and communication
– Cultural expectations
• Attachment
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2
Friendship
• Characteristics of friendship:
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Companionship
Respect
Acceptance
Help
Trust
Loyalty
Mutuality
Reciprocity
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3
Love, Sex, and Intimacy
• Love encompasses opposites:
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Affection and anger
Excitement and boredom
Stability and change
Bonds and freedom
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Love, Sex, and Intimacy
• For most, love, sex, and commitment are
closely linked
– Love: positive factors that draw people together
– Sex: excitement and passion, adds fascination
and pleasure
– Commitment: contributes to stability
• Other features of love: euphoria,
preoccupation, idealization, devaluation,
infatuation
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5
Love, Sex, and Intimacy
• Strong relationships
comprise:
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Trust
Caring
Respect
Loyalty
Interest in the other
Concern for the other’s
wellbeing
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6
Love, Sex, and Intimacy
• Triangular theory of love
– Intimacy: feelings of attachment, closeness,
connectedness
– Passion: motivational drives, sexual attraction
– Commitment: decision to stay together, with the
ultimate goal of making long-term plans
• Different stages of love are based on different
combinations of the three dimensions
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7
The Triangular Theory of Love
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8
The Pleasure and Pain of Love
• The pleasure and pain of love
• Passionate love
– Recognize that human emotions have two
components:
• Physiological arousal
• Emotional explanation for the arousal
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9
The Transformation of Love
• All relationships change over time
• At first, high levels of passion and increased
intimacy
• Reduction of intensity can lead to the
development of a more enduring love
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10
Challenges in Relationships
• Honesty and openness
• Emotional intelligence
– Self-awareness, self-discipline, empathy
– Mindfulness
• Unequal or premature commitment
• Unrealistic expectations
– Expecting your partner to change
– Assuming
– Giving up autonomy/self-sufficiency
CONTINUED…
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11
Challenges in Relationships
• Competitiveness
– Focus on the fun
• Balance of time together and apart
• Jealousy
• Supportiveness
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12
Unhealthy Relationships
• Recognizing unhealthy relationships
• Ending a relationship
– Guidelines for a breakup
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Give the relationship a fair chance
Be fair and honest
Be tactful and compassionate
If you are the rejected person, make time for resolving
your anger and pain
• Recognize the value in the experience
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13
Communication
• Ability to interpret nonverbal messages
– Attunement
• Digital communication and our social networks
• Communication skills
– Self-disclosure
– Listening
– Feedback
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14
Conflict and Conflict Resolution
• Conflict resolution skills are vital for
maintaining intimate relationships
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Clarify the issue
Find out what each person wants
Determine how you both get what you want
Decide how to negotiate
Solidify the agreements
Review and renegotiate
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15
Pairing and Singlehood
• Choosing a partner
– First attraction—observable characteristics
• Similarities: geography, ethnic and socioeconomic
background, educational level, lifestyle, physical
attractiveness, and other traits
– After euphoria of romantic love, emphasis switches
to values and future aspirations
– Most important question: How much do we have in
common?
• Differences add value, but similarities increase chances of
success
• Acceptance and communication are key
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16
Dating
• Different cultures have different rituals for
finding a mate
• Narrowing the field of
romantic partners
– Casual dating
– Getting together in
groups
– Exclusive dating
• For some, the trend is casual sexual activity
without dating—hooking up
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17
Online Relationships
• Advantages of connecting with people online:
– Allows for relaxed communication
– Easier; less investment
– Can get to know someone from home, set your own
pace, start and end relationship at any time
• Disadvantages
– Misrepresentation
– Greater tendency to idealize online partners
because people reveal only what they want
– Remove chemistry and intuition from the process
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18
Living Together
• Cohabitation
– By age 30 half of all men and women have
cohabited
– Greater acceptance
• Advantages
– Autonomy
– Fewer obligations than marriage
• Disadvantages
– Legal protections absent
– Less stable
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19
Same-Sex Partnerships
• Most people look for love in a committed
relationship, regardless of sexual orientation
– Differences between straight
and gay relationships
• Homosexual relationships are
more egalitarian
• Same-sex partners must deal
with societal attitudes
– Homophobia
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20
Singlehood
• Growing number of single people
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Changing views on singlehood
Delayed age for marrying
Cohabitation
Divorce
• Advantages: career and personal
development; freedom
• Disadvantages: lack of companionship;
economic hardships
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21
Marital Status of the U.S. Population
Aged 15 Years and Older, 2011
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22
Marriage
• The benefits of marriage
• Issues and trends in marriage
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Realistic expectations
Feeling good about the personality of your mate
Partners develop friendships with other couples
Communication and conflict resolution
Religious and ethical values
Egalitarian role
Good balance of individual and joint interests
• The role of commitment
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23
Separation and Divorce
• High rates of divorce… Why?
– High expectations for emotional fulfillment and
satisfaction in marriage
– Lack of belief in permanence of marriage
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Separation and Divorce
• Process of divorce
– Emotional separation is the first step
– Physical separation next
– Greatest stress-producing event next to the death of
a spouse or family member
– Recovery from divorce takes 1–3 years
– Other issues
• Effect on children
• Remarriage
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25
Percentage of Separated and Divorced
Americans, 2011
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26
Becoming a Parent
• Birth of a first child is one of the most stressful
transitions for any couple
– Marital roles tend to become more traditional
• Parenting styles vary
– Demandingness
– Responsiveness
• Types of parenting styles
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Authoritarian
Authoritative
Permissive (or indulgent)
Uninvolved
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Single-Parent Families
• Single-parent families
– 27% of all children under 18 live with only one
parent
• Difficulties in single parenting
– Economic
– Conflicting demands
• Single fatherhood
• Children from single-parent families
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Stepfamilies
• Three out of four divorced women and four out
of five divorced men will remarry
• If either partner brings children from a previous
marriage, the family is blended
– Should not be expected to duplicate the emotions
and relationships of a primary family
• Healthy stepfamilies are less cohesive and
more adaptable than healthy primary families
– Allow for more individual differences
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29
Successful Families
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Commitment
Appreciation
Communication
Time together
Spiritual wellness
Stress and crisis management
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