Shanna Lehman
LP 8 Reflection Paper
Reflection on My Family of Origin
Throughout my adult life, I have always felt a sense of insecurity; an uncertainty about myself
that I have never been able to explain. Through Family Systems, I feel like I have a better understanding
of why. Upon losing my dad, I felt this sadness and guilt; I had a reoccurring dream after graduation high
school about hugging him in an empty gym, crying, and saying goodbye. Why? I never really knew him,
and he never really knew me. I blamed myself for not forming a relationship with him prior to him
passing away. Now, I realize that I have to let go of that guilt. I have no control or power over the past,
only the present and future. When my cousin passed away, I felt the same type of sadness and guilt. I was
supposed to babysit for her two days before she died; I over slept. I tried calling her for two days, leaving
apology after apology on her voicemail. The same day I left my last voicemail, I got a call that she had
died in a car accident. She was drinking and driving, and rolled her car into a ditch. I felt guilty up until
now because I felt like she was mad at me when she died because I bailed on her.
These feelings of guilt manifested into a lot of different hardships for me. Depression, substance
use, and now I beginning to wonder if these feelings aren’t in some way connected to my eating disorder.
I never really dealt with my feelings of guilt and blame from losing my father and cousin. I think these
feelings, left unaddressed, lead me to doubt myself, and who I was a person.
Growing up, I had all the support I could ask for from my mom; she was, and is, my best friend.
We had permeable boundaries in order to deal with daily hassles and crises that arose. Being a dyad is
hard, especially when one person is left with the responsibilities of raising a family. There would be times
when I had to take care of myself at a young age; I feel like I never really got much of a childhood. This
is where the family roles come into play.
My mom played the roles of mother, provider for our family, and she was known for her great
baking. My roles included daughter, only child, and I think in some ways the family hero. I always said
everything was ok because I knew my mom had a lot on her plate. I always tried to clean our apartment,
Shanna Lehman
LP 8 Reflection Paper
get good grades, and behave so that she could focus on providing for us. We had a good, open
relationship, but I knew she already had so much going on.
The boundaries my family had were both good and bad. They were good because they allowed us
to adapt to spur of the moment changes. They were not so good because at times they allowed me more
freedom at an age when structure was important. I can remember times when my mom had to be away for
the night, and I would invite friends over; I was at a point in my life where “escaping” the daily hassles
seemed like just the answer I had been looking for. Long story short: my introduction to marijuana and
alcohol. I have received four underage drinking tickets, and underwent drug counseling. The boundaries
and rules saved my mom and I; through our open and honest relationship, we were able to mend what had
once been broken.
My mom and I are both single mothers. I never really thought about it before, but I think
she saved my life in this aspect. I was in an unhealthy relationship, and it wasn’t for me seeing her raise
me, I might have been more apprehensive on leaving my ex when I was four months pregnant. Had I not
left, I honestly don’t know where I would be right now. She had a huge impact on my decision for leaving
the relationship; Grayson needed to be raised in a safe, balanced environment. Her raising me showed me
the importance of maintaining homeostasis, permeable boundaries, healthy roles, and rules that support all
of these.
Circular causality is something that I could see happening within my family of origin, but never
knew the name for it. I also never looked at it long term. Short term: two women living together is always
asking for some trouble; one of us would be crabby, the other one would feed off of that and become
irritable. The cycle would go round. Long term: my mom being overly involved in my private life led me
to hide more things. She would start to dig through my things; my trust in her would become strained. I
would get hurt, and she would get hurt. After going through some therapy together, we were able to build
Shanna Lehman
LP 8 Reflection Paper
up healthy family roles, rules, and boundaries. I can’t lie; moving out of my mother’s has made us closer
than ever.
Upon completing my genogram, I found that there are significant gaps on my father’s side of the
family. I know a few of my aunts and uncles, but only keep close contact with two of them. Most people
on my father’s side of the family hold a grudge against my mom for divorcing my father, and I’m
assuming they think I am brainwashed. My mom and I were very close with my grandparents on my
father’s side until they passed away; they were two of the greatest people I have known. Growing up, my
father’s grandma babysat for me for a few summers; she taught me how to play Marbles (a game she
invented), and taught me how to gamble when playing cards. Losing my grandparents felt like I had lost a
piece of my identity; I was closest to them on my father’s side. Like my grandpa on my mom’s side, my
father’s grandpa was a key male figure in my life growing up.
Mr. VanKirk, I know you said last semester that you are big into the meaning of dreams, and I
have to ask you about this dream I had when I was younger that I still remember clear as the day I had it. I
was ten when I had the dream. I was in the store Fashion Bug, and I went into the dressing room. In the
dressing room was a bloody paper bag. There were two holes cut out of the bag, and a set of lifeless eyes
staring at me. It was the body of a little girl holding a Pound Puppy. I woke up screaming and crying and
I smelled the most horrendous smell I have ever smelled. To this day, I have never gone into a Fashion
Bug, and just talking about the dream makes me cry. I have no idea what the meaning of this could be, or
why it is still affecting me over fifteen years later.
My early childhood memories are both good and bad. They are all surrounding some type of
significant emotional tie. One of the major memories surrounded my blanky. My great grandmother made
it for me; she and I were very close up to her passing away. When she made it for me, it was a thick,
plush blanket. I have it packed away, and you can see right through it. Anyways, I had that blanket with
me for years and years. I couldn’t sleep, go the babysitter’s, or play without that blanket. I wonder if it
Shanna Lehman
LP 8 Reflection Paper
wasn’t my security; knowing that the blanket would never leave me. I had a lot of attachment issues with
my mom; I wonder if I was afraid that my mom was going to leave me like my father did. Could I have
realized that my father left at two years old? Would that affect me years later?
I must say, Family Systems is the hardest course I have taken thus far at MPTC. Not book smart
hard, but it really makes you look at yourself in relation to your family; it is an emotional class. One that I
feel is absolutely necessary when looking to be a counselor. If I am going to counsel someone, and
address their family dynamics, I have to be aware of mine. I have uncovered a lot of issues that I thought I
had dealt with; I found they were suppressed. I want to honestly say thank you; this course has opened my
eyes.