Ways to Defuse Anger and Calm People Down Training Session Training Objectives • Learn how to stay calm in any situation • Learn how to deal constructively with other people’s anger • Learn how to eliminate your own behaviors that aggravate tense situations, and help create an environment where outbursts are less likely to occur 10 Myths About Anger 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Getting angry is the only way to get things done. It’s only natural to respond that way. Strongly confronting an angry person will back them down. Intimidation wins respect. Verbal or physical venting will have lasting calming effects. 6. Anger is a bad emotion. 7. There is only one way to deal with anger. 8. Anger can’t be helped (this is just the way I am). 9. Not getting angry means they got away with it. 10. Ignore it and it will go away. Recognizing Different Types of Anger • Lightning: strikes quickly, then is over. • Tornado: thrives on chaos, whips itself and everything around it into a frenzy. • Flood: builds up slowly; as it surges it carries with it items built up over long periods of time. • Volcano: slow to erupt and slow to cool down; the aftermath is harder than the incident itself. Key Guide to Interaction with an Anger Person Stages 1 – 2: Allow the angry person as much control as possible; encourage problem solving. Stage 3: Take control and direct the angry person’s behavior, give options and state consequences. Stages 4 – 5: Restore order and set expectations for positive future interactions. Stage 1: Set the Tone Key: Stay calm yourself. 1. Breathe • In through the nose – out through the mouth • Pace • Depth 2. Relax • Jaws • Neck Muscles • Body 3. Maintain a healthy attitude • Non-defensive • Confident, not arrogant • Don’t take yourself so seriously 4. Repeat coping statements to yourself. • “I can’t change this person.” Stage 1: Set the Tone Key: Defuse most situations quickly by allowing the angry person to vent. • Don’t interrupt or argue. • Don’t tell the angry person to calm down. • Do set clear boundaries while allowing the other person to talk. You may choose to set boundaries by listening to angry feelings but not allowing aggressive behavior. Stage 2: Understand the Elements of Empathy Key: Put yourself in their place to understand their outburst. 1. Understanding 2. Know-how 3. Assertiveness Stage 2: Understand the Elements of Empathy Do’s • Allow ample time to respond. • Use short responses. • Tailor responses to the other person. • Use an even tone of voice. • Try to understand what needs they’re trying to meet. Don’ts • Automatically give advice. • Pretend to understand. • Respond with a cliché. • Sound condescending. • Jump to conclusions. Stage 2: Understand the Elements of Empathy Words to Use: • “I can tell you’ve had a tough time.” • “I can see why you’re discouraged.” • “I can tell you’re disappointed.” • “I’m sorry that happened.” • “I regret this happened.” • “I wasn’t aware of that.” • “That’s a rough break.” Words to Avoid: • “Don’t feel that way.” • “You’re wrong.” • “Where did you get that idea?” • “You don’t understand.” • “You always…” • “You never….” • “I told you this would happen.” • “No one said that.” Mastering the “Art” of Listening Key: Phrase questions so they encourage talk, and don’t put the other person on the defensive: • • • Pay attention to what is going on beyond you. Be curious with a purpose. Eliminate the “buts”. • Avoid “why” questions. – Change the question from “Why didn’t you ask about this earlier?” to “What stopped/prevented you from checking on this earlier?” • Repeat several words the angry person says to maintain focus and attention. – “He was a complete jerk and has totally screwed up my file.” – “Screwed up your file?” “What happened?” Keep Quiet Key: Be silent to allow the angry person to take in what you’re saying. • Ask open-ended questions and wait…and wait….and wait… • Cut the angry person off when he or she becomes verbally or physically abusive. Focus on Issues vs. Actions Key: Address the substance, not the symptoms of anger Typical Signs of Anger Include: • Change in facial expression • Tendency to exaggerate • Sarcasm • Personal attacks • Physically acting out Admit Mistakes Key: Apologize once and make corrections quickly. • • • Only when you or the office is responsible for some part of the problem. Remember: “Apologies stop the bleeding, they do not heal the wound.” Genuine apologies 1. 2. 3. Acknowledge responsibility Stimulate personal behavior change Avoid excuse making Map an Escape Route Key: Allow the other person to save face whenever possible. • Remember to address substance, not symptoms. Don’t acknowledge “stupid” remarks. • Move from public setting to private. – “You may be right. Let’s sit down and discuss it.” • Save face by redirecting. – Away from people problems – Toward solutions Provide Guided Problem Solving Key: Give limited options. • Zero in on the key issues that are most important to the angry person. (Remember to use your questioning skills to get the angry person to be specific.) • Challenge blind spots – inaccurate interpretations, distortions – and help them examine the consequences of their behavior. Be specific. • Help the angry person choose from the available options to get his or her to buy in to the solution. – “Here’s a possibility.” – “One option you can try is…..” – “Here’s a couple of ways to handle it.” • Turn possible solutions into an action plan. Get the angry person to commit to definite tasks, behaviors, etc. by specified deadlines. Stage 3: At the Height of the Crisis: Heed the Warning Signs Key: Intervene Immediately Visible Signs of Anger: • Change in vocabulary • Abrupt mood shifts • Tightness in facial or neck muscles • Teeth clenching • Change in tone of voice • Pacing • Facial flush • Physically or verbally acting out threats Stage 3: At the Height of the Crisis: Heed the Warning Signs De-escalate Immediately • • • • • Move the angry person to neutral environment. Create a cooling-off period. Stay out of the person’s physical space. Use non-threatening words, tone of voice and body language. Respect angry person’s perceptions as real to him or her. Find “Safer Ground” Key: Don’t try to resolve the crisis at this stage. • The angry person, at this state, is: 1. 2. 3. • • • Irrational Volatile Suffering from extremely poor judgment Don’t engage in problem solving at this time; don’t attempt to reason – in fact, the less said the better. Respect their feelings; don’t argue back or criticize. Use all your tools to remain calm yourself. Identify consequences of continued behavior. Deal with Threats Key: Take all threats seriously. Myth: People who make threats are all talk and no action. Truth: The people who talk about it are the ones who do it. • When threatened, always, always, always report a threat. – Provide a clear written outline of what occurred. • The staff member at the counter will be responsible for contacting public safety when a threat has been made. • Tell the angry person the consequences of making threats before following through with them. Stage 4: After the Crisis: Restore Order Key: Help the rest of the affected staff get back to normal as quickly as possible. C – Continue normal work patterns A – Allow people to discuss the experience. (Not at the front counter.) L – Listen and look for signs of escalation among staff. M – Maintain confidence and assertiveness in managing the conflict and its effects. Set Expectations Key: Reinforce appropriate behavior. • Be open in reinforcing desired behavior. • Encourage them to be reasonable. Stage 5: Maintain Daily Peace Key: You can fuel or reduce another person’s anger by choosing how to behave. Choose behaviors that reduce anger. Maintain Daily Peace Behaviors that fuel anger: • Lacking respect in tone or behavior • Not looking at the other person • Making unreasonable demands • Needing to be right • Passing judgment • Verbal abuse, including sarcasm, humiliation, attacks, threats • Touching or getting too close Behaviors that reduce anger: • Showing respect • Making eye contact • Focusing on practical solutions • Keeping an open mind • Suspending judgment • Use an even, calm, but firm tone of voice • Maintaining an appropriate distance Maintain Daily Peace Behaviors that fuel anger: • Aggressive gestures such as pointing • Sending mixed messages • Showing favoritism • Showing impatience or acting bored • Being inflexible • Interrupting • Using negative words • Rejecting the person • Failing to follow through Behaviors that reduce anger: • Neutral, open gestures • Being consistent • Being fair • Using active listening skills • • • • • Being flexible Allowing limited venting Use positive phrases Focus on behaviors Following through on all promises Practice 1 Scenario 1: A student is stomping towards the front counter. He catches you completely off guard and starts ranting and raving about his admissions and/or financial aid application not being processed. He claims he has submitted his transcripts several times and it has not been processed. He is starting to attack you personally. “Listen to me, if you don’t straighten this out right now, I’m going to call the Provost/President’s Office.” This office is so incompetent. All of you should be fired. This is why students don’t come to your school. You make the process so hard! Practice 2 Scenario 2: A co-worker is whipped into a frenzy because she needs help with a n event later in the afternoon. She’s been making the rounds asking for help and is now shifting into demanding, whining, threatening to never help you again and to tell the boss that you’re not a team player. “You can’t see beyond the end of your nose. I’ll make sure the boss knows about your selfish attitude. I’m always the one stuck doing all the work around here, and it’s about time the boss got wise.” Practice 3 • Scenario 3: When a Student Interrupts a Discussion Between the Employee and Another Student: You may face a situation where you are helping one student and a second student rushes up and interrupts your conversation. It may appear that you are caught between a rock and a hard place, since if you serve the first student, the second may become annoyed, and if you serve the second one, the first student, quite justifiably, may feel you are not treating him or her as important.