Ways to Defuse Anger
and Calm People Down
Training Session
Training Objectives
• Learn how to stay calm in any situation
• Learn how to deal constructively with other
people’s anger
• Learn how to eliminate your own behaviors that
aggravate tense situations, and help create an
environment where outbursts are less likely to
occur
10 Myths About Anger
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Getting angry is the only
way to get things done.
It’s only natural to respond
that way.
Strongly confronting an
angry person will back
them down.
Intimidation wins respect.
Verbal or physical venting
will have lasting calming
effects.
6. Anger is a bad emotion.
7. There is only one way to
deal with anger.
8. Anger can’t be helped (this
is just the way I am).
9. Not getting angry means
they got away with it.
10. Ignore it and it will go away.
Recognizing Different Types of
Anger
• Lightning: strikes quickly, then is over.
• Tornado: thrives on chaos, whips itself and everything
around it into a frenzy.
• Flood: builds up slowly; as it surges it carries with it
items built up over long periods of time.
• Volcano: slow to erupt and slow to cool down; the
aftermath is harder than the incident itself.
Key Guide to Interaction with an
Anger Person
Stages 1 – 2: Allow the angry person as much control as
possible; encourage problem solving.
Stage 3: Take control and direct the angry person’s
behavior, give options and state consequences.
Stages 4 – 5: Restore order and set expectations for
positive future interactions.
Stage 1: Set the Tone
Key: Stay calm yourself.
1.
Breathe
• In through the nose –
out through the mouth
• Pace
• Depth
2. Relax
• Jaws
• Neck Muscles
• Body
3. Maintain a healthy attitude
• Non-defensive
• Confident, not arrogant
• Don’t take yourself so
seriously
4. Repeat coping statements to
yourself.
• “I can’t change this person.”
Stage 1: Set the Tone
Key: Defuse most situations quickly by allowing the angry person to
vent.
• Don’t interrupt or argue.
• Don’t tell the angry person to calm down.
• Do set clear boundaries while allowing the other person to talk. You may
choose to set boundaries by listening to angry feelings but not allowing
aggressive behavior.
Stage 2: Understand the Elements of
Empathy
Key: Put yourself in their place to understand their outburst.
1.
Understanding
2.
Know-how
3.
Assertiveness
Stage 2: Understand the Elements of
Empathy
Do’s
• Allow ample time to respond.
• Use short responses.
• Tailor responses to the other
person.
• Use an even tone of voice.
• Try to understand what
needs they’re trying to meet.
Don’ts
• Automatically give advice.
• Pretend to understand.
• Respond with a cliché.
• Sound condescending.
• Jump to conclusions.
Stage 2: Understand the Elements of
Empathy
Words to Use:
• “I can tell you’ve had a tough
time.”
• “I can see why you’re
discouraged.”
• “I can tell you’re
disappointed.”
• “I’m sorry that happened.”
• “I regret this happened.”
• “I wasn’t aware of that.”
• “That’s a rough break.”
Words to Avoid:
• “Don’t feel that way.”
• “You’re wrong.”
• “Where did you get that
idea?”
• “You don’t understand.”
• “You always…”
• “You never….”
• “I told you this would
happen.”
• “No one said that.”
Mastering the “Art” of Listening
Key:
Phrase questions so they encourage talk, and don’t put the
other person on the defensive:
•
•
•
Pay attention to what is going on beyond you.
Be curious with a purpose.
Eliminate the “buts”.
•
Avoid “why” questions.
– Change the question from “Why didn’t you ask about this earlier?” to “What
stopped/prevented you from checking on this earlier?”
•
Repeat several words the angry person says to maintain focus and attention.
– “He was a complete jerk and has totally screwed up my file.”
– “Screwed up your file?” “What happened?”
Keep Quiet
Key:
Be silent to allow the angry person to take in what you’re
saying.
• Ask open-ended questions and wait…and wait….and wait…
• Cut the angry person off when he or she becomes verbally or
physically abusive.
Focus on Issues vs. Actions
Key: Address the substance, not the symptoms of anger
Typical Signs of Anger Include:
• Change in facial expression
• Tendency to exaggerate
• Sarcasm
• Personal attacks
• Physically acting out
Admit Mistakes
Key: Apologize once and make corrections quickly.
•
•
•
Only when you or the office is responsible for some part of
the problem.
Remember: “Apologies stop the bleeding, they do not heal the
wound.”
Genuine apologies
1.
2.
3.
Acknowledge responsibility
Stimulate personal behavior change
Avoid excuse making
Map an Escape Route
Key:
Allow the other person to save face whenever possible.
• Remember to address substance, not symptoms. Don’t
acknowledge “stupid” remarks.
• Move from public setting to private.
– “You may be right. Let’s sit down and discuss it.”
• Save face by redirecting.
– Away from people problems
– Toward solutions
Provide Guided Problem Solving
Key: Give limited options.
• Zero in on the key issues that are most important to the angry person.
(Remember to use your questioning skills to get the angry person to be
specific.)
• Challenge blind spots – inaccurate interpretations, distortions – and help
them examine the consequences of their behavior. Be specific.
• Help the angry person choose from the available options to get his or her to
buy in to the solution.
– “Here’s a possibility.”
– “One option you can try is…..”
– “Here’s a couple of ways to handle it.”
• Turn possible solutions into an action plan. Get the angry person to commit
to definite tasks, behaviors, etc. by specified deadlines.
Stage 3: At the Height of the Crisis:
Heed the Warning Signs
Key: Intervene Immediately
Visible Signs of Anger:
• Change in vocabulary
• Abrupt mood shifts
• Tightness in facial or neck muscles
• Teeth clenching
• Change in tone of voice
• Pacing
• Facial flush
• Physically or verbally acting out threats
Stage 3: At the Height of the Crisis:
Heed the Warning Signs
De-escalate Immediately
•
•
•
•
•
Move the angry person to neutral environment.
Create a cooling-off period.
Stay out of the person’s physical space.
Use non-threatening words, tone of voice and body language.
Respect angry person’s perceptions as real to him or her.
Find “Safer Ground”
Key: Don’t try to resolve the crisis at this stage.
•
The angry person, at this state, is:
1.
2.
3.
•
•
•
Irrational
Volatile
Suffering from extremely poor judgment
Don’t engage in problem solving at this time; don’t attempt to reason – in
fact, the less said the better.
Respect their feelings; don’t argue back or criticize. Use all your tools to
remain calm yourself.
Identify consequences of continued behavior.
Deal with Threats
Key: Take all threats seriously.
Myth: People who make threats are all talk and no action.
Truth: The people who talk about it are the ones who do it.
• When threatened, always, always, always report a threat.
– Provide a clear written outline of what occurred.
• The staff member at the counter will be responsible for contacting public
safety when a threat has been made.
• Tell the angry person the consequences of making threats before following
through with them.
Stage 4: After the Crisis: Restore
Order
Key: Help the rest of the affected staff get back to normal as
quickly
as possible.
C – Continue normal work patterns
A – Allow people to discuss the experience. (Not at the front
counter.)
L – Listen and look for signs of escalation among staff.
M – Maintain confidence and assertiveness in managing the conflict
and its effects.
Set Expectations
Key: Reinforce appropriate behavior.
• Be open in reinforcing desired behavior.
• Encourage them to be reasonable.
Stage 5: Maintain Daily Peace
Key: You can fuel or reduce another person’s anger by choosing how
to behave. Choose behaviors that reduce anger.
Maintain Daily Peace
Behaviors that fuel anger:
• Lacking respect in tone or behavior
• Not looking at the other person
• Making unreasonable demands
• Needing to be right
• Passing judgment
• Verbal abuse, including sarcasm,
humiliation, attacks, threats
• Touching or getting too close
Behaviors that reduce anger:
• Showing respect
• Making eye contact
• Focusing on practical solutions
• Keeping an open mind
• Suspending judgment
• Use an even, calm, but firm tone
of voice
• Maintaining an appropriate
distance
Maintain Daily Peace
Behaviors that fuel anger:
• Aggressive gestures such as
pointing
• Sending mixed messages
• Showing favoritism
• Showing impatience or acting
bored
• Being inflexible
• Interrupting
• Using negative words
• Rejecting the person
• Failing to follow through
Behaviors that reduce anger:
• Neutral, open gestures
• Being consistent
• Being fair
• Using active listening skills
•
•
•
•
•
Being flexible
Allowing limited venting
Use positive phrases
Focus on behaviors
Following through on all promises
Practice 1
Scenario 1:
A student is stomping towards the front counter. He catches
you completely off guard and starts ranting and raving about his admissions
and/or financial aid application not being processed. He claims he has
submitted his transcripts several times and it has not been processed. He is
starting to attack you personally. “Listen to me, if you don’t straighten this
out right now, I’m going to call the Provost/President’s Office.” This office
is so incompetent. All of you should be fired. This is why students don’t
come to your school. You make the process so hard!
Practice 2
Scenario 2:
A co-worker is whipped into a frenzy because she needs help
with a n event later in the afternoon. She’s been making the rounds asking
for help and is now shifting into demanding, whining, threatening to never
help you again and to tell the boss that you’re not a team player. “You can’t
see beyond the end of your nose. I’ll make sure the boss knows about your
selfish attitude. I’m always the one stuck doing all the work around here, and
it’s about time the boss got wise.”
Practice 3
• Scenario 3: When a Student Interrupts a Discussion Between the
Employee and Another Student: You may face a situation where you are
helping one student and a second student rushes up and interrupts your
conversation. It may appear that you are caught between a rock and a hard
place, since if you serve the first student, the second may become annoyed,
and if you serve the second one, the first student, quite justifiably, may feel
you are not treating him or her as important.