Satire: Modern-day translation of "The Inferno"
Source:Weekend All Things Considered. (Apr. 1, 2001): From Literature Resource Center.
Document Type:Broadcast transcript
Full Text:
LISA SIMEONE, host:
Since its publication almost 700 years ago, "The Inferno" by the Italian
poet DanteAlighieri has been translated dozens of times into dozens of languages. But
no translation has been as relevant to the modern age as this one by Kevin Underhill.
Here it is in a dramatized form.
KEVIN UNDERHILL:
Midway in the journey of our life, I came to myself in a dark wood, for the straight way
was lost. When I reached the foot of a hill, there where the valley ended, I saw a phone
booth with a number scratched inside, (666) 555-1212.
(Soundbite of bells, tones and ringing)
Unidentified Woman: Hello. Thank you for calling "The Inferno." We are sorry you have
died without achieving a state of grace. All representatives are currently assisting other
customers, but your call is very important to us. If you believe you have reached this
recording in error and would like to speak directly to God, press the pound key.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: I'm sorry. That voice mail box is full. To abandon all hope, press
one now.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: Thank you. If you are an attorney, press one and a representative
will be with you immediately. If you know the number of the circle you are destined to
reach, you may press the star key followed by the number at any time. If you'd like to
leave a message for Hitler, press zero now. Otherwise, please wait.
(Soundbite of music)
Unidentified Musician: (Singing) I'm on the highway to hell. On the highway to hell.
Unidentified Woman: Hello. You've reached "The Inferno's" main phone menu. Please
listen carefully as the selections may have changed. Your cooperation will allow us to
assign you to the circle that is appropriate for you. Please be candid, as your answers
will be compared to your permanent record. To continue, please press one now.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: Thank you. Please wait.
(Soundbite of church bells and music)
Unidentified Woman: Thank you. You've reached the first circle of hell, limbo for virtuous
pagans. Frankly, the worst punishment here is the long line at Starbucks, so don't panic.
But if you happen to be an ancient Greek philosopher or a Unitarian, press one.
Otherwise, press two to continue.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: The second circle of hell is for the lustful. If you've coveted your
neighbor's spouse, press one. If you've coveted a co-worker, press two. If you sat
through all three hours of "Eyes Wide Shut," press three. If you've collected boudoir
photos of Bill Clinton, press four. Otherwise, press five.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: The third circle of hell is for the gluttonous. If you died choking on
some kind of pastry, press one. If you are large enough to be seen from orbit, press
two. If your liposuction needs caused power shortages in California, press three.
Otherwise, press four.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: The fourth circle of hell formerly housed the avaricious and
prodigal, but is now reserved for people who talk on cell phones while driving. If you
were doing this just before you died, press one. Otherwise, press two.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: The fifth circle of hell is for the wrathful and sullen. If you are still
mad about the cell phone thing, press one. If you're still mad about anything that
happened during the Clinton administration, press two. If you're just plain mad, press
three. Otherwise, press four.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: I'm sorry. That selection is currently not available. Please hold.
(Soundbite of "Stairway to Heaven")
Unidentified Woman: The sixth circle of hell is reserved for heretics. If you started your
own religion, press one. If it required nudity, press two. Otherwise, press three.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: The seventh circle of hell is for the violent. If you were a tyrant or
murderer, press...
(Soundbite of beeps)
Unidentified Woman: Please press...
(Soundbite of beeps)
Unidentified Woman: Please do not strike the...
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: Your response has been recorded. Press five to continue.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: The eighth circle of hell is for the fraudulent. If you pandered,
seduced or flattered, press one. If you were a thief or fraudulent counselor, press two. If
you ever hosted an infomercial, press three. But if you feigned an Australian accent
while doing so, press four. If you were a psychic friend, psychic healer, pet psychic or
the CEO of an Internet company, press five. If you routinely falsified anything else,
including but not limited to money, grand jury testimony or boudoir photos of Bill Clinton,
press six. Otherwise, press seven.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: Finally, the ninth circle of hell, which formerly housed the
treacherous, is now being reserved for creators and stars of reality television shows. If
this describes you, press one and Lucifer will be with you as soon as he is finished with
Judas. Otherwise, press two.
(Soundbite of beep)
Unidentified Woman: Thank you for your cooperation. However, I was just wasting your
time. One of our representatives is standing right behind you. Press one to abandon all
hope again. And thank you for calling "The Inferno."
(Soundbite of music)
SIMEONE: Satirist Kevin Underhill lives and practices law in San Francisco. This is
NPR, National Public Radio.
Source Citation (MLA 7th Edition)
"Satire: Modern-day translation of 'The Inferno'." Weekend All Things Considered 1 Apr. 2001. Literature
Resource Center. Web. 27 Mar. 2015.
URL
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