Relationship Communication
and Love
Steinberg’s Triangular Theory of
Love
Passion: The motivational component that fuels
romantic relationships physical attraction,
and the desire for sexual interaction. It
instills a deep desire to be united with the loved
one. (Kind of like an addiction
 Intimacy: Emotional component of love that
encompasses the sense of being bonded with
another person. Includes feelings of warmth,
sharing, and emotional closeness.
 Commitment: Thinking of cognitive aspects of
love. Refers t the conscious decision of loving
another and maintaining a relationship over
time despite potential difficulties.

Steinberg’s Triangular Theory of
Love
Steinberg’s Triangular Theory of
Love
Relationship Type
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
Nonlove
Low
Low
Low
Liking
High
Low
Low
Infatuation
Low
High
Low
Empty Love
Low
Low
High
Romantic Love
High
High
Low
Companionate
Love
High
Low
High
Fatuous Love
Low
High
High
Consummate
Love
High
High
High
Liking

Liking: is at the top point of the triangle
because it involves intimacy only. Love of
this type is characterized by a feeling
of closeness and trust. Basic friendship
is the perfect example of this type of love
because even though you like your
friends, the relationship lacks passion and
long-term commitment.
Infatuation

Infatuation: is at the left point of the
triangle and involves passion only. It's
characterized by physical attraction
and sexual arousal. This type of love
often occurs at the beginning of a
relationship. It lacks emotional closeness
and commitment. If neither develops, this
relationship is typically short-lived and
superficial.
Empty Love
Empty love is at the right point of the triangle and
is characterized by a strong commitment to
maintaining the relationship.
 Because empty love lacks emotional closeness
and sexual attraction, examples can usually be
seen in one of two circumstances:

◦ at the beginning of an arranged marriage
◦ in an older relationship where both intimacy and
passion have deteriorated.
In both of these situations, the commitment is the only
thing holding the relationship together.
Romantic Love
Left side, between the intimacy and passion
points.
 This is because it is characterized by the
presence of both sexual passion and
emotional intimacy.
 This is the type of love that a couple feels when
their relationship is blossoming; they are drawn
physically to each other, but also feel like best
friends and enjoy spending time together.
 As romantic love lacks serious commitment, it is
more prevalent in the teenage and young adult
years.

Companionate Love



Right side of the triangle, between the
intimacy and commitment points, and is
characterized by the presence of both
commitment and emotional intimacy.
This love is usually found in older
relationships, such as long-term marriages,
where the passion has died, but the couple
still feels a deep emotional bond and
commitment.
Companionate love is usually long lasting and
can be a very satisfying relationship.
Fatuous Love



Located on the bottom of the triangle,
between the passion and commitment
points.
Fatuous love is also called fantasy love
because it's almost like the couple wants
to be in love, but has no real emotional
bond.
A whirlwind courtship and marriage would
be a good example, because the couple
makes a commitment based on sexual fervor,
without forming a deep emotional bond to
stabilize the relationship.
Consummate Love





Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an
ideal relationship toward which people strive.
According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have
great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they
cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term
with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties
gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one
other.
However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate
love may be even harder than achieving it.
He stresses the importance of translating the components of love
into action. “Without expression,” he warns, “even the greatest of
loves can die.”
Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost
over time, it may change into companionate love.
Steinberg’s Triangular Theory
Worksheet
Gottman’s Constructive
Communication Tactics

Leveling and Editing:
◦ Use “I” Statements
◦ “I feel” Statements work well
◦ Edit things out that will be hurtful to
our partners and are not relevant to the
discussion at hand
 Don’t bring up a conversation from 3 weeks ago
about something completely unrelated
Gottman’s Constructive
Communication Tactics

Validating: Tells our partners that we
are listening to their point of view
and that we can understand why they feel
or think the way they do
◦ Avoid being dismissive
◦ “I acknowledge your point of view, but I don’t
necessarily agree with it”
Gottman’s Constructive
Communication Tactics

Volatile Dialogue: CONFLICT CAN
BE HEALTHY! Couples in the early
stages of the relationship who
experienced some conflicts and
arguments reported less satisfaction than
early stage couples who rarely or never
argued, but after 3 years the opinions
changed and people who occasionally
argue report more relationship happiness.
Why?
Gottman’s Destructive
Communication Tactics

Criticism: involves the expression of
contempt and denigration can harm
a relationship
◦ Complaints are effectively registered with
someone’s character and as a personal attack
when you use “you” Statements
Gottman’s Destructive
Communication Tactics

Contempt: Degrades
communication even more through
an intense use of insults, sarcasm,
and even name calling.
◦ Can also be expressed nonverbally by
sneering, rolling ones eyes, or ignoring a
partners thoughts or messages
◦ This tactic causes emotional pain and does
nothing to resolve the issues
◦ It creates more defensiveness, resentment,
and erodes a relationship.
Gottman’s Destructive
Communication Tactics
Defensiveness: Constructing a
defense rather than attempting to
discuss and resolve an issue
 Self protective responses, making excuses,
denying responsibility, or replying with
criticism of one’s own.

Gottman’s Destructive
Communication Tactics

Stonewalling: When a person
concludes that any response to a
partners criticism or complaint will
not be helpful or productive and
therefore decides not to respond at
all.
Gottman’s Destructive
Communication Tactics

Belligerence: Confrontational
interaction likely to emerge as a
relationship suffers from prolonged
patterns of poor communication.
◦ Entails a purposely provoking style of
interaction intended to diminish or challenge
a partners right to influence patterns of
interaction in a relationship.
◦ Using terms like “What are you going to do
about it?” or “Make me” and not in a fun flirty
way.
Gottman’s Constructive and
Destructive Communication Tactics
Worksheet
References

Sternberg, Robert J. (1986). “A triangular theory of love”. Psychological Review 93 (2): 119–135. doi:10.1037/0033295X.93.2.119. Retrieved 2007-06-27.

Sternberg, Robert J. (1987). Liking versus loving: A comparative evaluation of theories. Psychological Bulletin. pp. 331–
345.

Sternberg, Robert J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment. New York: Basic Books. ISBN 0-46508746-9.