The Revision Process
Similes and Metaphors, “The Case for Short Words,”
and Cumulative and Periodic Sentences
The Revision Process
• When you revise, you need to ask yourself…
• Does the order in which I told events serve my
purpose? Does every paragraph/event need to be
included?
• Do I have the right amount of focus on the most
important events?
• Does the essay have the dominant impression/tone I
wish for it to have?
• Are all people an events described clearly and vividly?
• Is this essay unique to me? Is it an accurate reflection
of my experiences?
The Revision Process
• Don’t be afraid to make major changes.
• Think of the pieces of your narrative as building blocks.
You can move them around, try them in different
orders until you find the one that works.
• Don’t be afraid to cut. Sometimes, we have to write
for a while to find the good stuff, but that means that
we need to get rid of the not-so-good stuff that came
first.
• Don’t be afraid to add new material to your essay. If
your group pointed out that you didn’t have enough
description of an event or a person, or that you didn’t
explain your feelings about the event enough, you
might find yourself writing new sentences, and perhaps
even new paragraphs.
"Big Changes" vs. "Little changes"
• Depending on where you are in the writing
process, you will need to make one of these
two kinds of changes.
• “Big changes” have to do with structure,
order, and issues that affect your entire essay.
• "Little Changes" have to do with mechanics,
word choice, and individual sentences.
• Make sure you have all of the “big changes”
made before you start making “little changes.”
Two Pieces of Advice if You Need “Big
Changes”
• Ask yourself: “How are events connected? What is the
theme that ties them together?” Discovering this can
make your essay more unified and coherent.
• Remember that these are narratives. The story starts
out with you in one place and ends up with you in
another. Ask yourself, “How did I change because of
these events? How can I make that change obvious to
my readers?”
• You might even want to try filling in the blanks in this
sentence: At the beginning of my essay I ___________,
but by the end, I _____________________.
Achieving Effective Focus
• When you write a narrative, you should focus most on
the events that matter most to the story.
• You are like a movie director. You get to choose what
you zoom over quickly with the camera and what you
stop and focus on, lingering on every detail.
• Which events, places, and people take up the most
space in the narrative? Are those the
events/places/people that are most important?
• If you find that your focus is in the wrong place, cut
back on the paragraphs about events that are less
significant to the narrative, and add detail and
reflection to events that are significant.
Making a Revision Plan
• Now that you have gone through peer review and begun to
revise your essay, I want you to come up with at least three
specific goals for revision.
• Example 1: When I revise, I will expand the section where I
talk about reading my poem to the class. I need to reflect
more about how I was feeling in that moment, and I need
to add more details to my description of the classroom.
• Example 2: When I revise, I’m going to completely rewrite
my introduction to give my reader more context. I’m going
to move my current introduction to the end of the essay
and add a quote from the “Only Daughter” reading because
I could relate to how she talked about needing her father’s
approval of her writing.
Literal vs. Figurative Writing
• Literal writing consists of:
– Facts, observable truth
– “Real” events
– Ex: My room was very messy. There were papers on the
floor, dirty dishes on the desk, and clothes piled on the bed.
• Figurative writing uses:
– Comparisons that are not literally true, but appeal to the
imagination.
– Ex: My room was so messy that it looked like a hoard of
crazed orangutans had romped through it.
• Each type of writing has its uses. Literal writing is
rational and reasonable, and figurative writing engages
the imagination.
Simile and Metaphor
• One of the “figurative” tool sthat we have in our
"author's toolbox" to enhance your description is the
use of simile and metaphor. These are two tricks that
authors use to compare two things to each other that
are not necessarily alike. For instance, let's take two
dissimilar things: The ocean and a piece of glass.
• So, I might write, "The ocean was as smooth as glass.”
• I have just written a SIMILE. A simile compares two
things by using like or as.
• NOTICE: the words we use for our comparison bring a
whole load of meaning with them. HOW is the ocean
like glass?
Simile and Metaphor
• But what if I don’t like “like” or “as”? I might just
write this: “The ocean was a piece of glass, so
clear we could see every detail of the sea floor.”
• This is a metaphor. A metaphor states that two
unlike things are the same without using like or
as.
• Do my readers know that the ocean and a piece
of glass are, in reality, quite different? Yes. This
simply helps the reader to get the IMAGE of how
smooth the ocean was more clearly.
A Metaphor with Two Parts
• Metaphors don’t just have to be making one
comparison. For instance:
• "The clouds were a veil drawn across the face
of the sun."
• The two metaphors here are cloud=veil and
face=sun.
• Also, this is a lot more interesting than "It got
cloudy." Why?
How do Similes and Metaphors Work?
• First, even though the two things being compared are
dissimilar, there is SOME point of comparison that the
author is trying to draw our attention to. For instance,
in the sea/glass situation, the point of comparison is
clarity. In the cloud/veil metaphor, the point of
comparison is one object being hidden behind another
object.
• Second, they reveal the author's attitude about the
subject. If an author says, "Being in love is a walk
through a beautiful garden," you know that the author
has a positive attitude toward love. If the author says,
"Being in love is like a walk through a dark, treacherous
forest," then the attitude is a little different.
•
•
•
•
Finish these sentences in as many
ways as you can…
Love is like…
A good friend is like…
Writing is like…
No song lyrics/cliches, please! I’m
interested in how you would finish it,
not how people before you have
finished it.
Simile/Metaphor Activity
• Write three similes and three metaphors (for a total of
six figurative sentences) about anything you choose. If
you are stuck, I have three suggestions:
– A car
– A mountain
– A diamond
• What could you compare the things you choose to?
What are they like?
• Keep in mind that you are comparing two THINGS. "A
speeding car is fast," is not a metaphor. "Fast" is simply
an adjective describing the car. The car is not being
COMPARED to anything, and this is in fact a literal
statement instead of a figurative one.
With your Draft…
• Take out your working draft of your essay and
highlight places that could use some description,
similes, and metaphors. (You should come up
with a lot of highlighting. If you think you're
done, I'd be happy to make some suggestions for
you.)Write some similes or metaphors that are
appropriate. If you don't have your working draft
with you, write some that would work with what
you are planning to do/ have at home. DON'T
waste this time.
“Case for Short Words”
• Lots of people have the idea that using “big words”
automatically makes writing better than writing that
uses small words. Why do you think we have this idea?
Do you agree with the author of the essay we read for
today that “short words” can still express powerful
ideas?
• What difference do you notice between the opening
paragraphs and the ones where he uses longer words?
• Why do you think that he uses the variety of examples
of “short words” that he does? Which do you think
were the best/most interesting examples?
“Short Words” Practice
• Write as much as you can for 20 minutes using only 1syllable words.
• Possible topics: (you are not limited to these)
– A favorite place
– An emotional experience
– A close friend
• Advice:
• Look for synonyms.
• If you can't use the longer word you need, use two (or
more) short words that, when put together, describe the
longer word.
• Example: Tiger = “big cat with stripes”
“Short Words” Reflection
• Talk about how that went. Was it hard? Easy? Did
it push you to find new ways to say things?
• If you have written poetry before, you may have
noticed a similarity between this exercise and
writing a poem. Why do you think that is?
• Exercises like this can really push you as a writer
and help you to see what the language is capable
of. Also, it should help you to cut down on
unnecessary long words.
How does this relate to our essays?
• Sometimes, you will need to use long words because those
long words are exactly the ones you need to use. However,
as a writer, you might sometimes choose to use short
words, when you can, to communicate more clearly or
more powerfully.
• Try rewriting sentences using shorter words. Are some of
your rewritten sentences more powerful? More clear? Or
do some of those sentences with long words need those
long words?
• Writing in an academic style doesn’t necessarily mean long
words and complicated sentences. It does mean using
exactly the word you mean and explaining yourself
completely and thoughtfully.
Brainstorming for Practice With
Different Sentence Types:
• We are going to come up with a rhetorical situation in
which you might be writing a review for a restaurant
(or, if you never eat out, some other place of business
that might be reviewed).
• What is the restaurant’s name?
• What will your attitude toward the restaurant be?
• What will your tone and stance be? (Will you be
earnest? Serious? Sarcastic? Silly?)
• Who are the potential readers you imagine for your
review?
• What specific place do you imagine readers might read
your review?
Sentence Types: Cumulative Sentences
• As we work on our in-class restaurant reviews,
we are going to be using some very specific
different types of sentences.
• Cumulative Sentences (p. 558-559 in EaA
Packet) start with a main point and the
accumulate detail afterwards in the form of
phrases and subordinate clauses.
– The most important idea comes first, followed by
an explanation/expansion of that idea.
Example Cumulative Sentence for Our
Restaurant Review:
• Famous Dave’s is a vegan’s worst nightmare; (the
smell of cooking pork and ribs drifts in from the
kitchen,) (the cornbread is slathered in real
butter,) (there’s a seasonally decorated elk’s head
above the stone fireplace,) and (cartoons of
cheerful piggy angels dance on the walls).
• Here, the first part (in red) is the main point, and
the rest of the sentence (in blue) builds detail.
• See p. 558-559 for more examples.
Practice: Cumulative Sentences
• Write a sentence for YOUR in class restaurant
review that is appropriate to YOUR tone and
stance that is CUMULATIVE. (See p. 558 for
examples.)
• Start with the main point.
• Continue the sentences with phrases/clauses
that elaborate in more detail on that point.
• This style works REALLY well for descriptions
of places.
Sentence Types: Periodic Sentences
• Periodic Sentences begin with a series of
clauses or phrases and end with the main
point of the sentence. (p. 559-560 EaA)
– Create suspense/mystery
– Build momentum so the reader is with you by the
time you get to the main point
– Creates reader interest
– Use them carefully, though. Overuse can put
readers off.
Example Periodic Sentence
• (Fingers covered in grease,) (stomach filled to
nearly bursting,) (tongue still burning from the
heat of the aptly named “Devil’s Spit” barbeque
sauce,) I reach the end of a deeply satisfying
meal.
• Notice that the red part, the main idea, comes at
the end. The blue phrases in parentheses lead up
to it. The main idea is the “finale” of the
sentence.
• See p. 559-561 for more examples
Practice: Periodic Sentences
• Write a sentence for your in-class restaurant
review that builds up to the main point.
• Begin with a several smaller, less important
details.
• Build suspense until you end with your main
point.
• See p 559-560 of EaA
Write Your Review
• Use your cumulative and periodic sentences
that you wrote somewhere in a full review of
the restaurant (it needs to be longer than just
your two sentences you already wrote).
• Experiment with using these types of
sentences elsewhere in your review, if you
would like.