Living a Connected Life
Kathleen Brehony, Ph.D.
Become a Lake
“We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.”
-- Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Buddhist Monk
The Landscape of Connection
 The Biology of Belonging
 The Psychology of Belonging
 The Nature of Attachment
 The Failure of Attachment
 The Evidence for the Power of Connection
 Social Capital and Where We Collectively Stand
 The Usual Suspects
 A New Paradigm/Honoring the Wake-Up Call
 A Thousand Words for Snow
A Social Animal
“By our very natures, humans are prepared
to be social animals. We are biologically and
psychologically prepared for attachment and
bonding. Our need for connection is – from
birth and beyond – a fundamental survival
need.”
-- Living a Connected Life
Some Evidence for
Human Sociability
 Infants cry at sound of another infant’s cry.
 Menstrual synchronization.
 Without touch and closeness, infants die.
 Fine tuning of thousands of physiological events
– blood pressure, heart rate, body temperature,
sugar levels, hormones and salts are affected by
others and they, in turn by us.
 Heart-to-Heart.
Attachment is Not Just In The Brain
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.
For that which is essential is invisible to the eye.”
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry “The Little Prince”
Attachments of the Heart
 The heart forms in the developing fetus before the brain (within the
first 18 days post-conception) and a regular heartbeat can be measured
within days of that.
 Heartbeat is “auto-rhythmic” self-initiated from within the heart itself.
 Generates the strongest electromagnetic field produced by the body
(40-60% more amplitude than the brain).
 Electricity generated by the heart can be measured in the brain waves
of another person when people are touching or near one another
(measured up to 12 feet).
 Entrainment – heart cells from two different people will begin to beat
together even when in two separate petri dishes – synchronization.
Human Infants and Baby Sea Turtles
Compared to every other species,
human infants are born premature
and must continue to develop
outside the womb. We’re
biologically hardwired to ripen
through loving, secure experiences
with caregivers.
Psychology and Biology of Belongingness
Brain Development in Infants
 75% of Brain develops after birth through experience
 100 billion neurons and trillions of glial (“glue”) cells
 Interconnections are most critical and forming
 Changes 100,000 times more rapidly than an adult brain
 Consumes far more calories than adult brain (65% v 15%)
 Pre-wired and Pruning (“use it or lose it”)
 Synaptic pathways
Renée Spitz Research – 1940’s
Infants taken from felon mothers and raised in “sterile
nurseries” where they were fed but not handled or cuddled:
 Failed to thrive and were diminished in height and weight
for their age
 Developed brains that were 20-30% smaller than normal
 25% died within the first year. 37% died within the second
year
 Ironically, 40% of the infants who contracted measles died
when the mortality rate outside the institution was only .5%
 Scored 72 on the WISC (average intelligence is 90-105)
John Bowlby
“The Father of Attachment Theory”
Konrad Lorenz and baby geese
Bowlby said human attachment
was much more like imprinting in
geese and less like the reward
and punishment schedules that
allowed behaviorists to make
rats run mazes or shape pigeons
to peck levers. Attachment is
innate and neurologically based An instinctive reciprocal
relationships with implications
for the survival of the species.
Harlow’s Monkeys – 1960s
Infant rhesus monkeys separated from
their mothers were apathetic, sometimes
hyperagitated, aggressive and given to
outbursts of violence. The were socially
inept, highly fearful, failed to interact
normally, showed inappropriate sexual
responses and often rocked like autistic
children. As adults – the females were
not able to care for their offspring,
would not breastfeed, and behaved
violently toward their babies.
Attachment: An Exquisite Dance
Mother/Infant Proximity & Breastfeeding
 Balances levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) in
the infant and sends messages to the brain to make
connections
 Flood of prolactin and oxytocin in mother
(“mothering hormones”)
 Infant’s core body temperature coordinates with
that of her mother (called “thermoregulation”)
 Interval of their heartbeats is the same
Fathering and Attachment
 Not as clear as research with mothers – probably
because little research attention has been paid to
attachment and human fathers
 New research is documenting dramatic endocrinological
changes for fathers in preparation for and after the birth of
offspring. Clear effects of paternity in several species of
mammals and rodents and most species of birds
 Human fathers – reduction in salivary testosterone in
response to infant’s cries
 Fathers’ levels of cortisol, prolactin and testosterone
changed dramatically during partner’s pregnancy
Infants Are Born Ready to Relate
 Hearing is fully developed at birth – the developing fetus
has taken in 60% of the sounds surrounding his/her mother
 Even 2-day old infants show a decided preference for
human sounds and music over all other sounds
 Preprogrammed to look for and see human faces – will
orient to a mask if it has two eyes, a smooth forehead, a
nose and moves. A mouth is not necessary! Between 3-6
months, infants smile – “innate releasing mechanism”
 Can discriminate between miniscule changes in emotional
responsiveness of people around them
Erik Erikson’s 8 Stages
of Human PsychoSocial Development
1. Trust/Mistrust (Infancy – ages 1 or 2)
2. Autonomy/Shame (ages 2-4)
3. Initiative/Guilt (ages 4-6 – formal school)
4. Inferiority/Inferiority (“school age”)
5. Identity/Identity Diffusion (Adolescence)
6. Intimacy/Isolation (Young Adult)
7. Generativity/Self-Absorption (Adulthood)
8. Integrity/Despair (Maturity)
Mastering Trust/Distrust
When an infant learns to trust others, herself, and the
environment when her physical and emotional needs are
met and she is free from uncertainty, feels safe and
protected, develops secure attachments, and knows that
others will help and care for her. With this early
experience, the infant will grow into a person with
abilities to form and maintain relationships. She will
have positive expectations about others and a longstanding belief in her own worthiness and the
expectation that the world can be a safe place.
Failing to Master Trust/Distrust
If the infant cannot (for any reason) master the
challenge of trust/mistrust, she will carry
remnants of this uncompleted task into the next
and subsequent stages of development and
mover through life with high levels of fear and
insecurity. As an adult, she will see the world as
an unfriendly, unpredictable, and chaotic place
and will be unlikely to develop deep and intimate
relationships with others.
Types of Attachment
1. Secure – Upset at mother’s departure and easily soothed
when she returned (about 70% of infants tested this way
in the “Strange situation”)
2. Insecure/Avoidant – May or may not be distressed at
mother’s departure but avoided or turned away from
mother on her return
3. Insecure/Ambivalent – Distressed at mother’s departure
but seeks both comfort and distance on mother’s return.
Crying and reaching to be held but attempting to get away
once picked up. Actively or passively showed hostility to
mother
Mary Ainsworth et al
Attachment: When Things Go Wrong

“Needy,” lonely, disaffected, pessimistic
 High levels of psychological (e.g., low self-esteem,
depression, anxiety) and physical problems (e.g., failure to
thrive, infections, chronic illness)
 Antisocial: sometimes aggressive or violent
 Difficulties with trust, intimacy & affection
 Attachment Disorders form a continuum bounded on one
end by “secure attachment” and the other by the most severe
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) e.g., Romanian Orphans (1960s – 1990s)
Reactive Attachment Disorder – Sad Statistics
• Attachment disorder is transmitted intergenerationally. Children lacking secure
attachments with caregivers commonly grow up to be parents who are incapable of
establishing this crucial foundation with their own children. Instead of following the
instinct to protect, nurture and love their children, they abuse, neglect and abandon.
The situation is out of control. Consider the following:
• The number of children seriously injured by maltreatment quadrupled from 1986
(140,000) to 1993 (600,000).
• Three million cases of maltreatment were investigated by Child Protective Services
in 1995. Over one million were confirmed as serious abuse and/or neglect with risk
for continued maltreatment. Surveys indicated the actual number of cases are 10 to
16 times higher.
• Child Protective Services are unable to handle the vast increases; only 28% of
seriously maltreated children were evaluated in 1993 compared to 45% in 1986.
Source: www.attachmentdisorder.net
Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder
1.
Behavior: oppositional and defiant, impulsive, destructive, lie and steal, aggressive and
abusive, hyperactive, self-destructive, cruel to animals, irresponsible, fire setting.
2.
Emotions: intense anger and temper, sad, depressed and hopeless, moody, fearful and
anxious (although often hidden), irritable, inappropriate emotional reactions.
3.
Thoughts: negative beliefs about self, relationships, and life in general ("negative
working model"), lack of cause-and-effect thinking, attention and learning problems.
4.
Relationships: lacks trust, controlling ("bossy"), manipulative, does not give or receive
genuine affection and love, indiscriminately affectionate with strangers, unstable peer
relationships, blames others for own mistakes or problems, victimizes others/victimized.
5.
Physical: poor hygiene, tactilely defensive, enuresis and encopresis, accident prone,
high pain tolerance, genetic predispositions (e.g., depression, hyperactivity).
6.
Moral/Spiritual: lack of faith, compassion, remorse, meaning and other prosocial values,
identification with evil and the dark side of life.
Source: www.attachmentdisorder.net
Our History MAY Become Our Future
 Habits are formed through repetition
 Psychological and neurological “ruts”
(Synaptic pathways)
 Negative self-image, internal self-talk,
self-defeating beliefs
 Lack of skills required for intimate connections
The Good News! People can change through insight and action!
Specialized Therapy is necessary for severe cases of attachment disorder.
Attachment: When Things Go Right
“Secure adults find it relatively easy to get close to
others. They’re happy, socially competent people
with high levels of resiliency and persistence. They
don’t worry about being abandoned or having
someone close to them. They’re “emotionally
intelligent,” empathetic with others, solve many
problems on their own but aren’t reluctant to ask
others for help when they need it. They maintain
close, intimate connections with others.”
– Living a Connected Life
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Well, You Got To Have Friends
Loneliness breaks the spirit
-- Jewish Proverb
The Power of Connection/Belongingness
“If you could do just one thing that would lengthen
your life, help you stay psychologically and
physically healthy, and support your healing when
you did become ill, you would maintain strong
connections to other people. The effects of
belongingness are so potent that if they could be
bottled, they would need FDA approval.”
-- Living A Connected Life
The Early Evidence
As early as 1897, French Sociologist
Emile Durkheim observed that one
could predict rates of suicide by looking
at the quality of social ties in an area.
In areas where there was strong “social
solidarity”, suicide rates were low.
Areas where social ties were weak had
much higher rates of suicide.
The Roseto Effect – 1950s
A small town in Pennsylvania – A close-knit community of
Italian immigrants who lived longer lives than people in
neighboring towns and were virtually free of heart disease.
Had they found the alchemical Elixir Vitae?
No! They had high levels of social cohesion, trust, and
mutual respect. They were connected.
From 1979 to 1994, eight large-scale
community-based studies confirmed
what those early researchers found
in Roseto.
Scientific Studies
Five decades of medical and epidemiological research has
shown the powerful and positive effects of connections on:
 Heart and cardiovascular disease
 Stroke
 Respiratory Diseases
 Cancer
 Allergies, Colds, and other Infectious Diseases
 AIDS/HIV
 Depression, Stress and other Psychological Problems
Positive Effects of Connections
In his book Love and Survival: The Scientific
Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy,
physician Dean Ornish summarizes the power of
connections this way: “I am not aware of any
other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking,
not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs,
not surgery – that has a greater impact on our
quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature
death from all causes.”
Interesting Gender Difference
 When women are stressed – they move toward greater
connection with other (“Tend and Befriend” rather than
“Fight or Flight”).
 Men under stress tend to “hole up.”
 Women respond to stress with a surge of brain chemicals
(such as oxytocin) that buffer the “fight or flight” response,
pushes them toward social contact, which releases more
oxytocin which calms them further. Estrogen (a female
hormone) has an enhancing effect on oxytocin whereas
testosterone (a male hormone) reduces it.
Klein, Laura & Taylor, Shelley (UCLA Stress Research Lab), 2002
“Social Capital”
Social capital is the “glue” that holds
societies together and refers to the
quality and depth of relationships
between people in a community.
The Collective Benefits of High Social Capital
 Joining one group cuts your odds of dying over the next year in half.
Joining two groups cuts it in quarter.
 Communities with higher levels of social capital produce children with
higher SAT scores and higher performance on a broad range of testing.
 Communities with higher social capital have lower dropout rates, higher
retention, and less youth violence.
 The more connected we are in our community, the less colds, heart
attacks, strokes, cancer, depression, and premature death we experience.
 The higher the social capital, the less murders and violent crimes in our
neighborhood.
 Blood donations are higher in communities with high social capital.
 Road rage is reduced in communities with high social capital.
 Measured happiness goes up when we are socially connected in mutually
respectful, trusting relationships based on exchange and reciprocity.
The Sorry State of Our Connections
 Family dinners and family vacations or even just sitting and
talking with your family are down by one third in last 25 years.
 Having friends over to the house is down by 45 percent over
the last 25 years.
 Participation in clubs and civic organizations has been cut by
more than half over last 25 years.
 Involvement in community life, such as public meetings is
down by 35 percent over last 25 years.
 Church attendance is down by roughly one third since 1960s.
 Philanthropy as fraction of income is down by nearly one
third since the 1960s.
How Connected Are You?
How many of your neighbors’ first names do you know?
How often do you attend parades or festivals?
Do you volunteer at your kids’ school? Or help out senior citizens?
Do you trust your local police?
Do you know who your U.S. senators are?
Do you attend religious services? Or go to the theater?
Do you sign petitions? Or attend neighborhood meetings?
Do you think the people running your community, care about you?
Can you make a difference?
How often do you visit with friends or family?
The Social Capital Community Benchmark Study – www.bettertogether.org
The Usual Suspects
for our Dwindling Social Capital
 Mobility
 Where You Live
 Sprawl
 Not Enough Time
 Television
 Technology
 Breakdown of Traditional Families
 Women in the Labor Force
 Generational Effects
Mobility
 U.S. Census Bureau reports that residential
mobility has been exceedlingly constant over
the past 50 years, but if anything, we’re
relocating LESS now than in the 1950s (when
social capital was high by every measure)
 1950s = 20% of Americans moved each
year compared to 16% (1999).
 Adding to the stability of present-day
communities, home ownership in 1999 was at
a record-setting high (67%).
Dismissed
!
Where You Live
 Residents of large metro areas compared
to small-town counterparts are less likely to
join groups, attend club or public meetings,
attend church, or visit with friends.
 BUT – metro residents are only about
10% less trusting and join different kinds of
groups – More nationality-based and
political clubs while smaller cities have
more veterans’, fraternal, agricultural,
service, and church groups.
Dismissed
!
Sprawl
 Suburban sprawl has created an
environment in which most Americans no
longer live where they work
 The average commuter spends 72 minutes
every day behind the wheel and most
commute alone (2/3 of all car trips are made
alone)
 Commuting represents twice as much time
as the average parent spends with kids
 Every ten minutes of additional commuting
time cuts all forms of social capital by 10%
Get back in the
lineup, son!
Not Enough Time
 Time-use studies show that leisure
time from 1965 to 1985 actually
increased by 5 hours per week
 The average American schedule has
more than 40 hours a week that could
be used to make deposits into our
social capital account
 Question of priorities, not of time
Dismissed
!
Television
 Americans spend more hours alone in front of their TV sets (34 hours per day) than in any other activity except work & sleep
 TV watching accounts for more than ½ of all leisure time
activity
 Heavy television watchers are more likely to be pessimistic,
overestimate crime rates, and spend less time engaged with
others
 The only leisure time activity that is associated with decreased
(rather than increased) social capital
 “The data suggest that most Americans would rather watch
Friends than have friends.” – Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone
 Longer work hours are associated with more (not less) civic
engagement and connections (e.g., report 30% less TV)
Get back in
the lineup!
Technology
 Some studies suggest that people who
spend a great deal of time on the Internet are
less connected to other socially.
 Other studies have shown that technology
has enormous power to create and maintain
relationships.
 “The Digital Divide” is a serious social issue.
 Conscious use of technology needs further
exploration.
The Jury is Out!
Breakdown of Traditional Families

Strong families increase social capital – at the core of our
sense of connection, belongingness
 Changes in basic structure of family: number of married
Americans has declined from 74% (1974) to 56% (1998); ½ of all
first marriages end in divorce
 BUT, the sharpest jump in the divorce rate occurred in the
1970s – “long after the cohorts who show the sharpest declines in
connection and social trust had left home”
 Traditional family structure only associated with churchgoing
and youth-related activities. Single and divorced people are more
likely to attend club meetings and hang out with friends. Married
folks more likely to have dinner parties
 Divorce and changes in structure of families have only a
moderate effect on social capital
Dismissed
!
Women in the Labor Force
 In the 1960s only 37% of women held jobs
outside the home, 60% of women now do (2003)
 Men belong to more groups, but women spend
more time with the ones to which they belong
 Women who work outside the home actually
spent more time with clubs and organizations
than women who did not work outside the home
 Working outside the home or not, women still
spend more time in informal socializing than men
Dismissed
!
Generational Effects
 Throughout the life cycle, people born before
1932 experienced more civic involvement, trust
between people, feelings of belongingness, and
relationships to neighbors and groups
 “The Greatest Generation” vote more often
(double the rate for other generations), trust
people more (60% compared to 25% for their
grandchildren) and are more engaged in civic
and neighborhood life – they’re more connected
Get back in
the lineup!
Robert Putnam et al. Saguaro Seminar
John F. Kennedy School of Government, Harvard University
Analyzing the Guilty Suspects
Putnam's Guesstimated Explanation
for Civic Disengagement, 1965-2000
Generationtal Efx
TV Generation
TV
Work
Sprawl
Other?
Generational Effects
40-50%
TV
20-25%
TV Generation
10-15%
Sprawl
10%
Work/Time Pressures
10%
A Terrifying Prophecy
“Creating (or recreating) social capital is no
simple task. It would be eased by a palpable
national crisis, like war or depression or natural
disaster, but or better and for worse, America at
the dawn of the new century faces no such
galvanizing crisis.”
-- Robert Putnam (2000)
…until now
September 11, 2001
A Changed and Changing World – Post 9/11?
Americans dramatically shifted their stated
priorities after the terrorist attacks of
September 11, 2001. Multiple polls showed
we said we wanted closer connections, and
more time with our friends and family. But,
unfortunately, this shift in values didn’t last
very long. By the spring of 2002, the surveys
showed we were back to business as usual.
Honoring the Wake-Up Call
 Crisis and Opportunity
 Paradigm shift
 Establishing Values & Priorities
 Respecting the Yin
What is Old Can Become New
Indigenous Cultures are strong in places where ours is weak:
 Native American Tribes
 Hawaiian hanai and ho’oponopono and aloha
 Canela people of Brazil
The Downside of “Belongingness”
Al-Qaeda, Nazisim, Aum Shinrikyo, Gangs
Everything of substance casts a shadow
 Closed systems
 No respect for individuality/diversity
 Patriotism becomes jingoism
 “Us” v. “Them”
 Deference to authority and
abounds
 Fragments, polarizes & abuses
conformity
Collective and Individual Balance
Both ruthless collectivism and rugged individualism are
unbalanced and destructive to human life. Either one in its
extreme form fails to provide the kind of society that
allows human beings to flourish in their individual
achievements and freedoms while nestled in the loving
embrace of community, social responsibility, and safe
harbors.
Integration of Dualities
As in all dualities, the
wise strive to “hold the
tension of the opposites”
to integrate and balance
opposing forces as we
walk in both worlds.
Balance
Yin
Yang
Feminine
Masculine
Passive
Active
Dark
Light
Eros
Logos
Right Brain
Left Brain
Moon
Sun
“Shady Side of the Mountain”
“Sunny Side of the Mountain”
Yielding
Aggressive
Unconscious
Conscious
Emotion
Reason
Relatedness, Communalism
Individualism, Separatism
Open Systems
Closed Systems
A Thousand Words For Snow
Assumptions for the Model
1.
Everyone needs a variety of people and relationships in their lives
2.
Relationships are not static; they change, as do our lives and needs.
3. Think of the “rings” in the model as semi-permeable membranes
4. It is the inner circle of relationships – those with whom we are
connected by the heart – that constitute our “tribe” or true safety net.
These are the containers that serve as our containers for emotional and
spiritual growth
5. With the possible exception of our biological family, most relationships
do not begin within this inner circle
6. Don’t mistake the “map” for the “territory” – life is really more complex
than any model can describe
The World At Large
 Global Planet
 Non-local Consciousness, Subatomic Particles
and Random Event Generating Machines
 The Power of Love
 More opportunities for connection than you
may ever have realized
 Mitakye Oyasin and Namaste
Not Quite Strangers
& Acquaintances
 We may have hundreds of people in our network
of “not quite strangers” who are wrested from the
great web of being
 Friendship develops when one person says to
another, “What! you, too? I thought I was the only
one!” (C.S. Lewis)
Moving Closer to the Center
 Shared values more important than shared interests.
But shared interests are a good place to start
 Move relationship out of its original context (e.g., ask a
co-worker to your daughter’s wedding)
 Original context makes a difference (Chinese saying:
“We will often forget those we’ve laughed with. We will
never forget those we’ve cried with.”) A refiner’s fire
 Unexplainable chemistry
Friends For A Season or Reason
 May have a number of “casual”
friends but are tied together for a
season or reason
 When season or reason changes,
friend may not be so close
 Our expectations should be realistic
 These friends may become attachedat-the-heart with time and nurturance
Attached-At-The-Heart Friends
 “My friends are my estate.” Emily Dickinson
 “A Friend is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” Aristotle
 “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”
Euripides
 “Friends are the masterpiece of nature.” Emerson
 “Friend, our relationship is this that wherever you put
your foot, you feel me in the firmness under you.” Rumi
 “Friendship? Yes, please.” Charles Dickens
Our Safe Harbor
 Plato – searching for our missing half
 Fictive Kin and Aunt Franny
 Last a lifetime, call at 3 AM, good times/bad times
 Celtic Anam Cara (“Soul Friend”)
 Ceremonies pledging unconditional loyalty:
•“Blood brother” (Native American)
• Hawaiian pili hoaloha
• German & Swiss Duzen (to address informally)
The State of YOUR Safe Harbor
A Map To Connection
 Your Friendship Values
 Know Thyself
 Social Skills
 Acceptance – Are you a friend?
 Boundaries: Armor, Gelatin, and semi-permeable membranes
 Communication Revolution
 Good Times/Bad Times
 That Time Thing
“We have all known the long loneliness and
we have learned that the only solution is love
and that love comes with community.”
-- Dorothy Day, humanitarian and founder
of the Catholic Worker Movement, 1933
Your Friendship Values
 Values are the foundation upon which
everything else relies
 Conscious understanding and living one’s values
 Yogi Berra – “If you don’t know where you’re
going, you’ll end up somewhere else.”
 Rocks in a Mason Jar
Know Thyself
 You can’t have a better relationship with
anyone else than the one you have with yourself
 What do you bring into your relationships?
 How well do you know yourself?
 The Persona and The Shadow
 Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
 “To know others is to be wise, to know oneself
is to be enlightened” – Tao Te Ching
The Johari Window
Known to Yourself
Known to Others
Unknown to Others
Unknown to Yourself
Open Self – Known to
Yourself and Others
Blind Self – Unknown to
Yourself but Known to
Others
Private Self – Known to
Yourself and Unknown to
Others
Unknown Self –
Unknown to Yourself and
Unknown to Others
A model for awareness in interpersonal relationships
Joseph Luft, Ph.D. & Harry Ingham, MD, 1955
Social Skills
“Great news!
You can learn
social skills
just like I did!
Let’s do
lunch!”
1. Verbal Aspects
 Self-Disclosure
 Me, Me, Me – The Song of Narcissism
 Listening Skills
2. Non-Verbal Aspects
3. Cognitive Aspects (self-defeating beliefs
and negative self-talk)
4. Emotional and Physiological Aspects
Acceptance: Are You A Friend?
 Similarities and Differences
 The Futility of Seeking Perfection
 Unconditional Love and Acceptance
 Giving AND Receiving
Boundaries:
Armor, Gelatin & Semi-permeable Membranes
 The importance of Interpersonal Boundaries
 Turning Toward, Turning Against, Turning With
 Unable to risk v. Co-Dependency
 When friends hurt/Toxic relationships
 Schopenhauer’s Porcupines
Communication Revolution
1. Express Yourself
 Self-Disclosure
 Clarity
 Assertiveness
2. Advice and Truth
3. The fine (and lost) Art of Listening
4. The gift of communication technology
at the top of Mount Haleakala
Good Times/Bad Times
 “Be more prompt to go to a friend in adversity
than in prosperity,” Chilo (6th Century BCE – Greek)
 Two Travelers and the Bear (Aesop)
 Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes (“Friendshifts” – Jan Yager)
 Shared Interests/Shared Values
 History and Remembrance
That Time Thing
“If you want to make good use of your time, you’ve
got to know what’s important and then give it all
you’ve got,” -- Lee Iacocca
 Identify your use of time
 Analyze your present situation
 Develop a plan – short and long-term goals
 Implement your plan
 Re-evaluate your use of time
Lessons From Toulouse
 Be patient, persistent, never give up
 Welcome the stranger
Finding Your Pack
“Wolves love to howl. When it is started, they
instantly seek contact with one another, troop
together, fur to fur. Some wolves will run from any
distance, panting and bright-eyed, to join in,
uttering, as they near, fervent little wows, jaws
wide, hardly able to wait to sing.”
– Lois Crisler, Arctic Wild
There is no house like the house of belonging.
David Whyte, poet
Thank You. Mitakuye Oyasin.
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Good Friends: Kathleen & Dorothy