TECHNICAL FOULS
Dealing
With
Anger
Tonight’s Objectives
• Understand the emotion of anger
• Recognize covert and overt signs
• Develop skills in finding the underlying causes of
anger
• Help parents deal with own anger
• Help children learn to express anger in healthy
ways
• Recognize how exposure to violence can affect
children
• Encourage peaceful conflict resolution
• Identify stressors
• Learn “fighting fair” skills
Anger exists in all human beings
Anger appears when a child is 3–4 months old
List terms or words that describe
“anger” or mean “angry”
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Furious
Irritated
Irate
Mad
Rage
Boiling
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Burned
Wrath
Incensed
Inflamed
Upset
Exasperated
Anger is usually thought to be a
negative emotion, but can be a
positive force
How people handle anger
determines whether it is a positive
or negative force
Anger is
Primitive emotion
High intensity, high energy emotion caused by a
social event or interaction
A signal system
A self-defense response
Anger is
• Created in your head
(thoughts cause feelings cause actions)
• When anger takes over, logic and reasoning
are lost.
• In this state people often regress to childlike
responses
(Sometimes when we are in an angry confrontation with
our children, it looks more like
two children rather than
a child and an adult)
Anger has 2 components
Fear
Pain
We must get in touch with the underlying pain and
fear to understand and diffuse anger.
For example, when a teenager comes home past his curfew
and we explode in an angry rage, what is the underlying
feeling?
How Do We React To Anger?
• Body reactions
• Verbal expression
• Facial expressions,
scowling, glaring,
flushing, paling,
sweating, tears
• Talking, screaming,
cursing, arguing
• Physical aggression
• Passive aggressive
behaviors
• Depression
• Hitting, kicking,
slamming, throwing
• Poor grades, failure to
cooperate, fighting with
family members,
procrastination,
forgetfulness,
stubbornness
• Hopelessness, isolation,
talk about hurting
oneself
How do you deal with your anger?
• Repress it
Demonstration
• Express it
Demonstration
• Release it
Which of the 3 is the most
dangerous way of dealing with
anger and why?
Repression
Expression
Release
In many families and cultures, anger
was and is considered a destructive
emotion that should always be
suppressed at all costs.
Now we know anger can be a healthy
emotion and the costs are too high
when it is repressed/suppressed.
4 Steps for dealing
with anger in the family
Step 1
Take time out in the early stage of
anger
If you wait too long,
people lose the desire or willingness
to stop the conflict
Step 2
Cool down
Concentrate on calming down
• Allow time for logic and reasoning to return.
• Look for the underlying emotion in the conflict.
• Recognize your part in the conflict
(Angry people always believe they are 100% right.)
Step 3
End time out
• Admit your part in the conflict.
• This is not a loss of control, but rather
encourages the other person to respond with
respect and cooperation.
• Peaceful conflict resolution may begin
Step 4
If necessary, return to time out
• More time outs may be necessary until both
persons are able to admit some responsibility
Anger is a temporary emotion
• We often extend its duration by “rehearsing”
(reviewing and replaying the situation, thinking and
rehearsing what we are going to say or what we should
have said)
• We also drag out experiences or altercations
that angered us in the past
(bringing up the past, using “always” or “never”
statements)
What are some typical fights and
disagreements you had as children?
What are your children
fighting about now?
Conflict today has a whole new dimension,
ending in brutal beatings or even death. There
is a growing disregard for human life and the
rights, beliefs and property of others.
Common causes of anger in children:
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Stress
Feeling misunderstood
Overloaded schedule
Feeling ignored or unappreciated
Feeling belittled
Being taken for granted
Feeling helpless
Being abuse or unjustly punished
Being put in the middle of parents’ battles
Out of Control
Boiling Mad
Escalation
of Anger
Angry
Irritated
Frustrated
Calm
Suppressed Feelings
The Cup Kid
The Cup Kid: Parenting A Child with Meltdowns
Written and Illustrated by Nancy W. Kling
Does your child have frequent meltdowns? Does your child have
trouble coping with life? Is your child easily overloaded with
sensory input? If so, you may be raising a Cup Kid! Cup Kids fill up
with too much noise or too much pressure or too much
homework. And when they get too full, they run over in the form
of a meltdown or shutdown. The Cup Kid: Parenting A Child with
Meltdowns will give you that much needed insight into what
happens when your child has “had too much” and what you can
do to help your Cup Kid prevent tantrums.
Due to Exposure to Violence
(TV, video games, toys, music,
verbal or physical violence in the home)
Our Children May:
• Become desensitized and exhibit aggressive,
violent behaviors
• Develop emotional problems, sleep problems,
etc.
• Become fearful, hostile and distrustful of
others
• Accept violence as a way to solve problems
• Imitate the violence they see on TV
Children and TV Violence
• Average child in US watches 3-5 hours of TV every day
= 20,000 hours of TV compared to 13,000 hours in
school by the time they graduate
• Average child or teen views 10,000 murders, rapes and
aggravated assaults on TV each year
• Children’s TV contains about 20 violent acts each hour
• American TV and movies are the most violent in the
world
• Violence is often portrayed as funny and painless
What can parents do?
Create a harmonious home environment and
teach positive values. Become a powerful
influence in helping your children learn to
function and thrive in a society where conflict
and opposing points of view will always be a
part of life.
The American Psychological
Association believes we must teach
our children conflict resolution and
mediation skills at a very young age
in order to slow or reverse the
increasing conflict and violence in
our country.
Be a Positive Role Model of
Respect for Rights, Property and
Feelings of Others
• Model responsible behavior and attitudes each
day
• Share your family beliefs and values
• Treat others with respect
• Discuss society’s acts of injustice, prejudice and
violence
• Have friendships with people of different
cultures, races and abilities
• Practice positive conflict resolution skills and let
children witness mild parental conflict and its
respectful and loving resolution
Dealing with Anger
• Is the most poorly handled emotion in society
• Teach children that anger is simply a feeling,
and everyone feels it sometimes
• Teach that the way anger is expressed is the
key to whether it is healthy or destructive
Demonstration
and Dos and Don’ts
Conflict Resolution Skills
• Avoid becoming involved in children’s conflicts
• Encourage children to seek their own
solutions to their disagreements
• Prohibit any physical or verbal abuse in your
home
• Teach the STOP conflict resolution method
Skills That Promote Fair Fighting
Handout
Fouls in Fighting Fair
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Blaming, making excuses, bossing
Name calling, put downs, teasing
Getting even, hitting, kicking, etc., tattling
Threats, not listening to the other person
“Remember to not only say the right
thing in the right place
but far more difficult still,
to leave unsaid the wrong thing
at the tempting moment.”
-Benjamin Franklin