Chapter 9:
Escalating Relationships
5 Characteristics of Escalating Relationships:
- Interaction increases
- Partners gain knowledge of one another
- Partners become more skilled at predicting
each other’s behavior
- Partners increase their investments
- Warmth, liking, loving, a sense of caring,
commitment, and trust increase
Relationship escalation moves partners from
social relationships to personal involvements.
Communication is the primary instrument
used for relational initiation and escalation.
Some Disadvantages of ER’s:
Note: Not all people want to escalate
relationships.
Reasons:
- Personal exposure
- Fear of abandonment
- Fear of angry attacks
- Loss of control over the situation
- Fear your own destructive
impulses
Interpersonal Attraction: the Catalyst of Escalation
Interpersonal attraction – the various forces that draw
people together; involves emotional responses,
beliefs, & evaluations; Interpersonal attraction is a
learned response.
Dimensions of Interpersonal Attraction:
- Physical Beauty – defined by cultural standards
- communication & beauty
- couples matched in beauty
Dimensions of Interpersonal Attraction
Continued…
- Supportiveness
- Cognitive Class: Attitude Similarity – aka homogamy;
“birds of a feather flock together”
“Opposites attract” is true when discussing
interpersonal needs.
- Sociability: Communication Behaviors – these are the
specific interaction behaviors tied to interpersonal
attraction:
- Sensitivity – conveying a feeling of trust
- Confidence – expressing oneself well verbally
- Talkativeness
- Flirtatiousness (immediacy)
Increasing Intimacy/Behaviors That Communicate
Liking and Intimacy
- Involvement and immediacy – signaling interest in a particular
interaction & psychological closeness.
- Affection, attraction, liking & love – people in love spend more
time gazing into each other’s eyes (mutual gaze) and at close
range. Arousal is also indicated by pupil dilation.
Relational Development Processes
Developing Relationships On-Line – Most relationships initiated
on-line are friendships, although about 10% are romantic.
Relationship Readiness/Prerequisites – openness &
psychological readiness
Reasons for forming relationships:
-
-
Similarity thesis – “We are alike in many ways.”
Need fulfillment thesis – “We need things from each other.”
Social Exchange Theory & Social Penetration Theory – “This
relationship is a good arrangement for us.”– how individuals reveal
information about themselves according to the dimensions of breadth
(number of topics) and depth (how personal). Rewards are compared
against Costs: if C > R = the relationship is not pursued
Investment thesis – “I just care deeply about the other.”
Proximity thesis – “The relationship just happened.”
Stages of Relational Escalation/
Coming Together
(movement throughout these can be: forward or backward, fast or
slow, sequential or not sequential.)
Initiating – coming into contact with someone;
“Hi…I’m a Libra.” This is the most difficult
stage.
Purpose – inaugurate; to begin; to initiate
communication.
Communication – conversational openers,
unpredictable, awkward.
Stages of Coming Together Continued…
Experimenting – auditioning for the future: “Do you ski?” “I’m a
waitress.” Most relationships do not get beyond this stage.
Purpose – discover the unknown, find
commonalities, audition for future, reduce
uncertainty, maintain sense of community.
Communication – small talk
More precise information about the partner’s personality and
worldview become important as the relationship progresses.
Stages of Coming Together Continued…
Intensifying – explore more intimate aspects of other; “I want to
date you.”
Purpose – growth of the relationship, risk-taking, develop
uniqueness in the relationship
Communication – self-disclosure, private verbal/nonverbal
messages.
Integrating – merger into a singular identity; “We’re a couple!”
Principle peak of the relationship. Euphoric stage. This stage
does not last without conscientious action by both parties.
Relationship maintenance becomes essential.
Purpose – commitment; interpersonal synchrony
Communication – commitment and intimacy talk
Stages of Coming Together Continued…
Bonding – “Let’s get married.” A form of public
bonding takes place (engagement.)
Developing skills and communication strategies
to maintain their relationship in a healthy way is
key.
Purpose – formal, public contract, seals future
Communication – commitment and intimacy talk
Research on Relationship Escalation
- Relationships are not usually linear
- Relationships grow in intimacy to a point, then
subside as the relationship becomes stable
- Intimate communication is highest in the six to nine
week range
- Intimate messages tend to subside toward the end of
the escalation process
- Seriously dating and marriage bound participants
touch each other more than married people
- Couple become less satisfied with their relationship
during their first year of marriage
- Relational escalation is marked by ebbs and flows
Turning Points
- Any event or occurrence that is associated
with change in a relationship.
- Events such as: whether to commit, a death
in the family or making up after a separation
can significantly affect the escalation of the
relationship.
- Most turning points help couples escalate
toward commitment.
Love
Liking – affection and respect
Love – attachment, caring and intimacy
Gender differences & Love: Women vs. Men
Types of Love:
Aesthetic love – love of beauty; passionate
Companion love
Obsessive love – addictive, jealous
Realistic love – logical
Playful love – love is a game
Altruistic love – unselfish