Top 5 Ways to Stay Out of John Jung’s Office
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Relationships are hard because they force us into a place where we are not our only
consideration. After all, we all have a nature that looks to “take care of me first”. We
want what we want when we want it. Of course maturity is looking to the needs of
others…Philippians 2:3. What can happen when we don’t think of others first, or do not
communicate the need… Tommy Boy clip
While self-care is important, self-nurture is complicated. I need to nurture all my
relationships- with my spouse, my children, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors,
etc. How much do I need to recharge my own batteries, and how much is selfish? Those
are things we need to wrestle with, but also talk with one another about to ensure that
we have balance. We all need calibration, and we need that person outside us to give
us perspective. We need the spouse to “speak the truth in love” to help that calibration
process.
There cannot be love without sacrifice- Jesus is the perfect example of that. There is a
reason God planned that the relationship with His church is like the bride. He purchased
our redemption with blood- His sacrifice. We are called to sacrifice for one another in
relationships- and no, we are far from perfect in that right?
#1 Recognize who you are – your positive traits, strengths, desires, goals, as well as your deficits
and character problems. Have a healthy sense of self, which includes understanding, to the best
of our ability, our assets as well as our typical fails and where we can get stuck. Healthy couples
have each figured out their temperament and learned how to appreciate the temperament of
the other. It is true quite often that opposites attract, and this makes sense. We look for things
that we find attractive in others, and that often is the things that we have longed for in
ourselves, but we are not strong at. Introverts and extroverts do find each other attractive
because it meets a need, a void that they may find in themselves. 4th Step work… We should all
live the 12 Steps, whether or not we consider ourselves in some kind of recovery
If we are always willing to take a look at “what is my part in this?”, we can usually head off
blaming of the relational partner. Fair Fighting Rules…
#2 Assume best motives of your partner. In a loving, committed relationship, we come to trust
that partner. Part of that trust is that, even when there is a problem, a misunderstanding, an
argument, etc. that partner has my best interests at stake- he/she is “not out to hurt me”, even
though the results of what they say or do may be hurtful at the time. Assuming best motives
allows grace. I know that my wife wants the very best for me, even when we don’t agree, or
there is tension. She knows that I want the best for her, no matter what. If we can have that
mindset- that my partner is not intentionally trying to hurt me- we can give pause, give grace,
and be secure, even if there is tension or hurt or misunderstanding. Assuming the worst gives
rise to victimhood. “People are not on my side”, “they don’t understand me”, “they don’t know
the problems I’ve got”, etc. Gives rise to a sense of entitlement, which causes big problems of
self- indulgence in often unhealthy ways..
#3 Take time to connect on all levels with your partner. We are three part beings, so we need to
nurture the relationship on all three levels- physical, spiritual and emotional. I picture these
three aspects like layers of an onion. The outermost layer, the physical, is the one we pay most
attention to. We are drawn physically to our partner, and physical affection is attractive and
satisfying. Touches, hugs, kisses and sexual connection are strong bonding measures, but they
can be superficial. They need to be supported by the deeper levels of bonding.
The next level is emotional. This means that we can share how we are feeling with the partner
and feel safe- we will be heard, not put down or dismissed; not criticized, it will not be held
against me at a later time, and it will be confidential if I ask that. True physical connection is
difficult without emotional safety, and this is especially true for women. There can’t be
meaningful sexual connection if there is not emotional safety and trust.
At times we see physical relationships which are not supported by emotional safety, and these
are always destructive relationships, often abusive ones.
Finally, at the core, is the spiritual connection- the deepest and most intimate of connections.
Here is where the partners share the same belief in God, pray together, share with other
believers their deepest connections, worship together, and raise children in a Godly
atmosphere. Exploring spiritual connections deepens and enhances relationships, because the
spiritual connection is the only one that is eternal. Yet, we hold this often most hidden, even
though it is the most satisfying of connections and the most important.
Partners/spouses need to be intentional about developing all these levels of intimacy. That
looks different to different people, but typically I will give homework to my clients about how
to intentionally build each of these intimacies.
#4 Listen. The closest people feel to being loved is when they are listened to. That is, respectful
listening, not interruptions, not problem solving, but listening with respect. Asking thoughtful
questions shows care and respect. The largest organ for listening is the eyes. We know that we
are being heard when we have engaged good eye contact and there is a smile. How do you
perceive warmth?...
Listening takes patience and discipline. It can be sacrificial. As I said earlier, there cannot be
love without sacrifice and we know that Jesus is the model and example of that.
#5 Have fun together. Do things that you both enjoy which also brings closeness. Walking
together is a great time to not only exercise, but to connect conversationally. What does fun
look like for you as a couple? It varies greatly, and that is part of the variety that makes
relationships special. Exercise, movies, travel, books- any shared interest becomes the platform
for fun, conversation and closeness.
Have time apart also. Celebrate the connections that your spouse has with others- women’s
night out/guys going to the game together etc. Allowing some alone time to the other is also
important, respectful and important to us individually. What do you do for fun together?