RUNNING HEAD: THE BEGINNING TO A CONCLUSION
TYING IT ALL TOGETHER
NATHAN TRIMMER
Millersville University
Dr. Shea – ENGL 487
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EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
OF ENGLISH 487 CASE STUDY
Client: referred to as Charlie
Description: Millersville University’s English department is committed to the
realization of the University's liberal arts mission, the Millersville University
Department of English fosters research, scholarship, and creative endeavors both in
the classroom and in the surrounding communities.
Introduction: Millersville University’s English department requires that English
487, Teaching Writing, is to be taken by all students enrolled in the teacher
certification program as Post-Bacc. Students. While enrolled in this course, students
are assigned an English 110, composition, student with the goal of enhancing,
improving, and assisting that student in their growth as writers. Dr. Timothy Shea,
English 487 professor, has instructed each student to assess and research the ways
in which their assigned student can improve their writing. Through this research,
the English 487 will be able to devise a plan to increase and improve the writing
abilities of this English 110 student.
Situational Analysis:
Two current students at Millersville University in two different English classes are
required, through the syllabus of their respective classes, to work together to
improve the writing of one student and explore the teaching abilities of the other. A
survey and personal interview are the two main mediums that this study will take
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place. From the survey instrument, the teacher will gauge the current level of the
student and the student will get a general perspective of what information the
teacher is looking for throughout the semester. The personal interviews will serve
as real-time qualitative data between each party.
Opportunity Statement: After enrolling in English 487, the student has been given
a tremendous opportunity to get a first hand look at what it may take to become a
teacher in the field of English Education. Also, the student in English 110 will be
given a sample of the type of writing and the quality of writing it takes to succeed in
the post-secondary area of education. The study will expose the English 110 student
to various techniques, styles, and rules that enhance writing and allow for continued
and greater success.
Literature Review: A thorough review of previous studies revealed that a great
amount of research has been done to assess and improve the writing of English
composition students. Reviewing previous studies presented the following various
types of angles in which to improve writing for these students:
-
Voice (two samples)
Motivation
Creative Writing
Grammar & Vocabulary
Research Question(s):
-
RQ1 – Through specific examples, in what ways has the student improved
their writing?
RQ2 – Through guided help and suggestion, has the student improved the
flow and creativeness of their writing?
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Method(s):
Three self-administered questionnaires were used to gather qualitative information
to allow the researcher to get a brief introduction to who the student was, what
their strengths and weaknesses were, and the different ways that writing has played
a role in their life and education up to this point. The second survey was used as a
second source of basic information gathering after the researcher concluded they
did not have sufficient information to continue the study. Both of these survey are
included in APPENDIX A.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Section
Title
I: -- pg
INRTODUCTION
II: -- pg.
LITERATURE REVIEW
III: -- pg.
METHODOLOGY
IV: -- pg.
IMPLICATIONS
V: -- pg.
REFERENCES
VI: --pg.
APPENDECIES
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INTRODUCTION
What is this all about?
Welcome to my Writing Partner Project (WPP). As described above, the goal of this
project is to enhance the writing of a freshmen level student and test teaching
theories researched by me, the researcher, in order to use apply them in the most
effective manner directed at the English 110 student. As stated in the two research
questions above, I will focus on Charlie’s ability to be creative in his writing and his
use of flow. With several examples used below (APPENDIX A) we will accurately be
able to determine if the techniques that I used as a teacher and he used as student
worked. This project serves as a launching board, but also as a pre-check to my
ability to work with another student in an applicable teacher-student relationship.
The Researcher/teacher:
My name is Nathan Trimmer, a Post-Bacc. Student at Millersville University in the
English Education Program. I received my degree from Millersville University in the
Spring of 2011 with a Bachelor of Science in Speech Communications with an
emphasis in Public Relations. After several months of deliberation, I came to realize
my true passion was teaching and saw English as the area I could contribute the
most. I am taking this class, not only as a fulfillment of course obligations, but also to
gain insight and experience in effective ways to serve writers in my classroom.
Experience as a Writer:
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I have been writing all of my life. I was fortunate enough to come from a school
district that too great pride in their English department and felt the need for
students to be writing nearly every day in one form or another. This also spread
across all core subject matters. Although teachers didn’t collaborate with each other
on assignments, they all required some forms of writing throughout the year in
various aspects. In specific terms, I was a writer for the school newspaper for two
years and served as Sports Editor for my senior year of high school. I was in all
honors English classes from 7th grade until graduation. As a college student I was
involved in higher level English classes from my first day on campus. I was not
required to take basic level English classes like other incoming freshman. As a
collegiate writer I experienced numerous formats of writing and was given the
opportunity to write samples from Public Service Announcements to Memoirs and
Profiles to Research Reports.
The Student:
Referred to as Charlie, he is going to be a sophomore at Millersville University in the
Fall of 2012. As a non-English major he wanted to focus on his major classes during
the school year and saw that taking general education classes over the summer and
winter sessions would be most beneficial to him. Being from Philadelphia, it was
nearly impossible for him to come to Millersville this summer for in-person classes,
so he resorted to online forums. English 110 is the only class he is enrolled in this
summer session, but he works 40 hours a week to help pay for school.
Experience As A Writer:
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As a writer, Charlie experienced a similar background to the me during high school.
He was asked to write all the time in high school, but not in as many forms as he
would have liked. Most papers he wrote were essays and research papers for classes
that didn’t give him the ability to express himself creatively. In most cases, Charlie
finds himself writing songs, about fantasy, and action texts. As a result of his lack of
ability to creative, one of the biggest challenges he found in his writing was his
moodiness and grammar struggles. He remembered being told to write specific
papers that took away his will to want to write and he struggles finding that same
will power now. When he does write, he struggles in his use of correct grammar
because he hasn’t been exposed to it that much previously.
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LITERATURE REVIEW
With the focus of this WPP on the flow and creativity of Charlie’s writing, I
found used a variety of different techniques used that give a more clear and concise
description of what writing should be like that I feel will help him get better at this
struggle. Natalie Goldberg writes in her book Writing Down The Bones, “Use original
detail in your writing. Life is so rich” (Goldberg, 2005, 54).In several of his writings,
Charlie was describing a short story or a restaurant (APPENDIX C & D) and, at times,
struggled to include what he thought. He was so concerned with getting exact details
in there that he failed to input his own experiences into the story. Even if the reader
cannot directly relate, they can directly appreciate the connection. Goldberg
continues on in describing the power of detail when she mentions how writers must
think. How they must sit down and write out exactly what their life is about. “We are
important and our lives are important, magnificent really, and their details are
worthy to be recorded.” (Goldberg, 2005, 56). “Our details are important. Otherwise,
if they are not, we can drop a bomb and it doesn’t matter.”
In direct relation to Charlie’s struggle in creative writing with flow, I found
that he lacked in having someone adequately check, suggest, and revise his writing
in the past. Kelly Gallagher writes in her book Teaching Adolescent Writers that one
of the top ten wrongs in k-12 education today is that, “students are not given enough
timed writing instruction or practice and teachers are doing most of the work.
Students are not doing enough work,” (Gallagher, 2006, pp. 10-12).
Although the powerpoint focuses on students in grades 6-8, I feel that it
would be beneficial to Charlie in his ability to use figurative language to better put
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his reader into the story rather than looking in from the outside. Even though it is
simplified and at an age appropriate level, it outlines terms and examples that
would effectively help his writing. The creator of the powerpoint mentions how
figurative language usually gives us a feeling about the subject. It is abstract.
A worksheet published by Villanova University discusses the topic of flow in
students’ writing and how we can effectively identify what it actually is. Of the four
main points on the worksheet/ guideline sheet, the two that make the most sense in
terms of helping Charlie were 1) Topic sentences; writing them out for each
paragraph even if you don’t plan on using them in actual paragraph and 2)
transitions “flow” keywords; using key transition words will help align the paper
with one thought to the next. By using this worksheet, Charlie will be able to identify
what he needs to work on when constructing his paragraphs. If he uses transitions
well, then his problem may be identifying the correct topic sentence and vice-versa.
The Temple University website offers five suggestions that may help solve
any flow issues in writing. They are 1) organization of ideas within the paper as a
while 2) organization of the ideas in the paragraph 3) audience awareness issues 4)
transitions 5) awkward/ sentence phrasing. Although, transitions and topic
sentences in paragraphs were already discussed, the importance of these two things
in establishing flows is evident. As mentioned in more than one place they prove to
be a catalyst when using flow within a paper.
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METHODOLOGY
What is Teacher Research?
One of the biggest parts of being a teacher is finding out way to educating that best
serve the students. There are certain tactics and styles that have proved their
longevity in the classroom, but in what ways change? What techniques change? This
is what Teacher Research is. Teacher Research is finding out what works best, not
for the teacher, but for the students. Of course it would be great if certain styles
worked most effectively for both, but the students are who matter. There are
endless amounts of portals that this can be achieved. Ten years ago, did the Internet
play a big role in education? Not so much, but it does now. Teacher Research is all
about adapting, changing, surviving. If teachers were to stick to the same techniques
year in and year out schools would be dwindling. Students would become
disinterested and parents would be up in arms. Being relevant, up-to-date, and
flashy is more than half the battle nowadays.
Research Question(s):
-
RQ1 – Through specific examples, in what ways has the student improved
their writing?
RQ2 – Through guided help and suggestion, has the student improved the
flow and creativeness of their writing?
I chose these two research questions because it was obvious that this student
needed helped when linking all of his ideas together. It wasn’t that he didn’t use
transitions properly, he did, but he struggled putting the parts of his story together
in a way that they flowed together. He was creative in the way he spoke to me, but
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lacked in the way that he showed me what he was describing. I did not, however,
focus on voice because it wasn’t as prevalent as an issue as his flow and creativity
were. I felt as if there two were linked and by fixing one, the other would be solved
as well. RQ1 focuses on the overall progress Charlie made as a student. Did he take
the suggestions given to him and improve his writing or revert to his old habits?
RQ2 focused on the specific suggestions I made to him regarding the main focus of
this WPP and improve?
Limitations:
This WPP was subject to several implications and for varying reasons. Below is a list
with brief descriptions of the limitations that were placed on this WPP and both
research questions.
- Both students were limited in their ability to communicate. Discussions were kept
to e-mails which strangled communication (APPENDIX C).
- The English 110 student had limited time to get assignments written and sent to
English 487.
- The English 487 wasn’t given ample time to evaluate and recommend revisions for
English 110 student.
- Both students were under strict deadlines for individual class assignments.
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IMPLICATIONS
Where does this him as a student?
If nothing were gained out of this project then it would be all for nothing. As a
teacher, I would not be doing my job and the student would have wasted their time
only to have progressed nowhere during their experience. For Charlie and I, I feel
that in order for us both to continue improving out writing there are a number of
routes we need to take to become the best writers possible. A few of the
recommendations that I would have for Charlie pertaining to each individual
research questions are as follows:
RQ1: Continue using drafts as a source of improvement. Many times throughout this
summer session, I never received anything beyond on the first draft, which became
his final draft. No piece of writing is perfect after the second, let alone first result. In
order for him to advance and imrpve he muste allow adequate time to write. There
were many times throughout the semester where he felt stressed, too busy, and
struggled to get assignments in on time and to me on time for revisions. In order for
him to improve, he must give himself the time to improve.
RQ1: Charlie told me that he does not print out his writing when he proofreads. In
order for him to catch the mistakes he makes, he needs to print out his papers and
read them aloud. I understand that many times a second person is not available to
read the paper to gain a different perspective, but reading aloud always helps.
Reading aloud with a paper copy in front of you allows for greater editing and
revision.
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RQ2: I found that Charlie didn’t use as many of the suggestions as I had anticipated.
Oft I found out that he may have fixed one or two things, but let the paper goes
because he felt it was good enough or he felt that what I suggested was enough
when I purposely let information out. The suggested corrections I expressed were
left undone. In order for him to improve his writing he at least needs to consider
these suggestions.
RQ2: Although this research question was similar to research question 1, it allows
for specific habits to be picked up in his writing. I would recommend that in future
writings he work on this aspect of his writing the most and worry about grammar
and punctuation last (one of his biggest self-doubts).
RQ2: I found that Charlie, in most cases, stuck with his original descpritions when
using creative language. He changed a few words here and there, but the overall
flow of the paper never changed. In the future, I would suggest that he fully invest
the time to wrap himself in his paper and ask questions as to if something really
makes sense in the location he put it in.
The recommendations from these research questions prove paramount in
the progression of Charlie as a writer. I feel that he has the ability and previous
knowledge to grow tremendously as a writer as long as he invests himself in that.
There is always time to write and there is always time to improve writing. I believe
his biggest struggle is pushing himself to find that time and get out of school-mode
writing. The most self-writing he does the greater a writer he will become. He will
get away from that linear educational creativity and begin to find his true voice and
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creativity in writing. Once he has done this, they will begin to blend together
sprouting something tremendous.
Conclusion:
Overall, this WPP served as on of the most beneficial experiences I have done thus
far in my development as a teacher. However, it has also been one of the most
stressful experiences I have had as a student and teacher. The amount of limitations
placed on this project from time to location played a huge role in the effectiveness of
this project. Throughout this WPP, I learned different ways of communicating with
the students I work with, but also with the students I have class with. There were
many times that I did not have the answer, but found the answer through them. As
someone who wants a classroom of their own one day, I will always remember this
project.
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REFERENCES
Achieving Flow In Academic Writing . (n.d.). Temple University. Retrieved July 20,
2012, from
http://www.temple.edu/writingctr/handouts/styleandclarity/flow.htm
Does My Writing Flow? . (n.d.). Villanova University . Retrieved July 20, 2012,
http://www1.villanova.edu/content/villanova/artsci/vcle/writingcenter/re
sources/handouts/_jcr_content/pagecontent/download_4/file.res/DoesMy
WritingFlow.pdf
Gallagher, Kelly. Teaching Adolescent Writers. Strenhouse Publishers. 2006.
Go Figure! Figurative Writing 6-8 [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Lincoln
Intermediate Unit Website: jc-schools.net/writeaway/figurative-langoverview.ppt
Goldberg, Natalie. Writing Down The Bones. Shambhala Publications. 2005.
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APPENDIX
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Appendix A:
What topics make you want to write the most?
Fantasy and Action
When writing, would you rather type it out or write with a pen?
It all depends on what I am writing and when/where I am. If I am writing a song, I’d
rather write it down so I can make changes quicker, but when writing a story I tend to
type.
In what settings are you most inclined to write? Home, school, work etc.
Whenever the mood takes me and I have access to paper and a pencil.
In what areas of your writing are you the strongest?
Describing objects/settings/emotions
In what areas do you think you need improvement? (Excluding grammar/
punctuation)
Not over using commas and making one run on sentence that goes on forever.
What types of writing have you done before? (memoir, profile, autobiography etc.)
Fantasy and songwriting
Would you rather be given a topic for a paper or choose your own?
I’d rather choose my own.
Do you ever write in your free time?
If I do have free time and I have an idea that’s been brewing, yes. Otherwise, I’m
extremely busy.
As a writer, would you rather have your writings kept personal or read by others?
If it is something personal, I would rather keep it to myself, but if it is a story that I
made up, I wouldn’t mind if someone read it.
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Appendix B
Dear English 110 Student,
I’m so glad you accepted the invitation for being part of my research project! This
letter will allow you to see the process and terms of your involvement.
Throughout this project, I want to focus on aspects of our work together and
determine what will improve your writing as I progress in my education in teaching English.
During this set time period, my goal is to find effective teaching styles, philosophies, and
tactics that will allow me to become a better teacher.
With the main purpose of this study being the improvement of your writing and the
effectiveness of my supporting guidance, let it be known that, although you are not required
to complete any extra work than you are already assigned for you class, you will be
expected to fulfill all areas of participation to allow for a complete study with usable results.
You may ask any questions regarding the study before becoming involved in the
study, and while the study occurs.
By signing this consent form, you agree to the terms below:
 Your online discussions will be observed
 Your writing will be studied
 You may have the option to participate in an informal interview with me during or
at the end of the semester
I hope that the following measures ensure your ability to participate in the study and
respect your personal boundaries:
 Your name will only be known to me, and all of your work will be referred to with a
pseudonym. Your work will remain anonymous.
 Participation in this study is completely voluntary. You may refuse to participate,
discontinue the study at any time, and/or skip questions that make you feel
uncomfortable without any affect on you, your grade, or your academic standing.
 You may add parameters at the end of this form that you feel I have neglected to
address.
 Should you choose to participate and sign the consent form, you will receive a copy
of this signed, dated consent form.
All the data I acquire through this project may be subjected to use in professional
presentations, paper, and/or conferences and publications of the National Council of the
Teachers of English.
Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments, concerns, at any time
throughout this study. Upon the completion of this session, I will gladly review the results
and conclusions with you.
Nathan Trimmer
ntrimmer@cysd.k12.pa.us
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717-779-3125
I understand and agree to the above parameters of this project.
Paul Drellock – Hughes
Student signature
7/01/12
Date
Please list any additional parameters you feel are needed, when returning this form to me.
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Appendix C
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APPENDIX D
Paul Drellock – Hughes
Prof. Livermore
English 110
June 26, 2012
4 Brothers Diner Evaluation
Around where I live there are a lot of diners, many of which are your run of the
mill, mediocre truck stops. There are a few that stick out like Jenny’s Diner, which gives
out pancakes that overlap the plate and sausage patties that are as big as a 10 year olds
head. There is Gap Diner, which brings in more of the old Amish, country side appeal,
with antique farm equipment and pictures of how the neighborhood used to look along
with exquisite murals painted all over the wall depicting the surrounding farmland. I like
both of these diners because they are different and give you a new and exciting dining
experience, but the one that I love and visit the most is 4 Brothers Diner. They give you
great service, delicious food, and the atmosphere is exceptionally enjoyable.
To start off, the service is extraordinary. All of the wait staff are pleasant and
always greet you with a smile. They are very personable and are always willing to fulfill
your needs. Whether you need another “cup – a – Joe” or just want to chat for a while,
the waiters and waitresses are eager to please. Also, the manager and owner is part of
the wait staff. If she passes by your table and you happen to glance her way, she will
take that as an invitation and come over to chat with you. She’ll ask you have you been,
how your food is, and tell you to make yourself at home. A prime example is when I
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went there with my family one time. My father loves coffee, especially diner coffee.
There was a carafe of coffee on the counter right near out booth, and my father was
eyeing it up and I could tell he was debating on grabbing it for a refill. Just as he was
about to get up, she came over and asked how we were doing and he stated that he had
planned on refilling his cup, but didn’t want to be rude. And she said “Honey, it doesn’t
matter to me. You make yourself at home and grab the coffee whenever you need it.”
She loves people and if you ask her about the diner, she tells a great story of how it all
began and gives you a fun-filled history lesson about the house and the surrounding
area.
The food there is second to none when it comes to diners. There is a lot of care
put into what they dish out. Everything is not just slapped onto a plate or heated in a
microwave before serving. Their cooks take pride in their work and want to make sure
you enjoy your experience while you’re there. Portions are amazing! With whatever you
may order, no matter what it is, you will not see the plate through the food. The cooks
take up every available space and pack on even more. And prices are really reasonable
and average around eight to ten dollars, the most expensive item on the menu is only
$17.95 and it’s only for when they cater to outside events. There are multiple discounts
on their placemat; the main one being a 10% off coupon on your next visit and the great
thing is that they don’t expire. I have multiple ones that I haven’t used yet and keep
building up my stockpile because each time I go there I get another one. All you have to
do is have your server sign and date it and you are free to go.
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Lastly, the atmosphere is like no other diner in the area. It is inside this huge, old
stone building, with a few extensions added to make room for more seating. However,
the great thing is that it doesn’t take away from ambiance of the décor and the mood of
the environment. It has a very elegant touch that is lost and or non – existent in other
diners. On their website and menus it says, “Good food, Good Friends” and they clearly
stand by that statement. I have made so many great memories there with my friends
and family over a breakfast plate at 9:30 at night or a club sandwich at seven in the
morning. In a sense, they live to serve. The hominess of the restaurant brings everyone
closer together and it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable in any way.
I believe that they have accomplished a great thing at the 4 Brothers Diner. Their
success is easily seen. When you can drive by at any hour and see the parking lot almost
full to the brim. I feel that they have achieved something great that will last for
generations to come. It is a place that we all should take our family and friends to, so
they can experience the joy and happiness that I and so many other people feel when
they dine there.
4 Brothers Diner is located on 5267 Lincoln Highway, Gap, Pa. 17529. They are
open every day of the week and are always appreciative of new customers. Don’t miss
out on a great occasion with your loved ones. “Good friends, Good Food”
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intro
- Get rid of “Around” to start the paper. It kills the sentence from the start.
- the atmosphere is exceptionally enjoyable
- it kind of fits, maybe get rid of exceptionally. It takes away from enjoyable
- Great use of imagery in the intro paragraph as well as metaphors
2nd paragraph
- “A prime example is when I went there with my family one time.”
- you had my full attention until this line came along. It dried out the fluency.
- either tie it in to the next sentence (combine them) or reword it
3rd paragraph
- #s 10 and under get spelled out
4th paragraph
- what is the mood? How does the extensions not take away from it?
- as a reader I want to know this
- “In a sense, they like to serve” needs substance to it. Add more or get rid of it
5th paragraph
- “When you can drive by and see the parking lot almost full to the brim”
- like what you tried to do here with the imagery, however, I may choose a
different word other than “brim” (almost beyond capacity, lot jammed
bumper to bumper, packed tighter than a tour bus in NYC)
6th paragraph
- what are their hours?
Overall
- after reading this I want to go there to eat
- the descriptions you gave were solid
- great use of imagery, literary devices and all that good stuff
- the organization is pretty good from what you explained in the opening paragraph
- I would make sure you proofread. Print it out and proofread it.
- I noticed a lot of spelling mistakes that I corrected because they were wrong
versions of the word (don’t trust Microsoft)
- make sure if you tell me something is different about the diner that you also show
it to me. (i.e the mood, the décor, the people)e.
overall – nice job. If you have any questions let me know
- proofread it before you correct this stuff and again afterwards.
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APPENDIX D
Paul Drellock – Hughes
Prof. Livermore
English 110
June 7, 2012
“The Rocking - Horse Winner” Evaluation
“The Rocking - Horse Winner” written by D.H. Lawrence is a short story that
deals with living in denial, lack of love, and ambition for luck. This is a telling of a
neglected child who is burdened by his family’s lack of money and how he tries
desperately to win his mother’s affection. He feels as if the house is whispering to
him, “There must be more money!” as he sees his mother, who shows no affection to
him, complain all the time about needing luck to have money. He claims to have luck
in order to get her attention, but she mocks him. However, it drives him all the more
to prove it to her. He gets into horse racing and has a rocking horse that he rocks on
in order to know who the winner will be. This obsession to have luck eventually
leads to his demise.
In the beginning of the story, you see (this sounds awkward…find a different
beginning to the sentence. Show me, don’t tell me) that the family is not in a happy
part of their lives. The parents have all they could ever want for themselves and
their children, but continue to struggle because they have no money. The mother,
Hestor, is the biggest complainer of them all. She is always in a state of self – pity
and secret denial over how unlucky her life has become. She feels that she is
inadequate as a mother and tries to make up for it by giving her children everything
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that they want. However, as a result, they can see through her fake love and have a
rocky relationship with her because of that (why is this a rocky relationship? In what
ways do they show that?). Everyone outside the family says, “Oh, she is such a good
mother,” but only she and her children know the truth and it’s nowhere near what
they claim.
As the story progresses, it shows that the mother living in denial affects the
rest of the family members and she feels that she needs to cover something up, but
isn’t sure what it is. This alludes to real life situations in our lives. We think that by
not acknowledging that something is a fact or that it happened can really affect us
and the people we care about (a little too philosophical…)(try…”Often times, in our
own lives, we think that by not acknowledging something as a fact or that it happened,
it can affect us and the people we care about.”). By not facing up to the truth and
accepting what is, we focus on what isn’t which only leads to more unfortunate
events (I like this sentence). “The Rocking – Horse Winner” is a great way of showing
how denial can impinge (good word choice) on what we want in our lives and if we
dwell on that then nothing good comes of it.
Towards the end of the story, Lawrence makes it evident that there is a huge
lack of love in the family, especially between Paul and his mother. One day he asks
about them not having their own car and his mother states it because your father
has no luck. She goes on to explain how you need luck to have money and not just be
born into it. He suddenly states that he “is” (shows emphasis on what the story is
about) “lucky” and his mother sarcastically replies “Excellent!” (a period is not
necessary. ! ends the sentence and the quotation) He can see the scorn in her eyes,
THE BEGINNING TO A CONCLUSION 30
which ignites his desire to prove to her that he really is lucky. He starts to bet on
horse racing with the families gardener and soon becomes very good at finding out
who will win the next race. (read this sentence out loud and tell yourself “does this
sound right?” I think it needs reworded) It doesn’t flow with what the rest of the
paragraph is about
This eventually leads him to having a lot of money, that he feels that he wants
to give his mother some. He does it in secret, but in the end gets none of her love.
After that he starts to go insane. Through the lack of love from his mother, he finds a
passion, so to speak. But in the end leads to his untimely death. (I like what this
paragraph is about, but it doesn’t flow. It needs to be here, however. Try, “His
newfound talent in predicting the next race’s winner leads to newfound wealth. His
streak of luck paid off and Paul wanted to give some of that wealth to his mother. In
secret, he does so; however, money didn’t buy back her love for him. The lack of his
mother’s love drives him insane, but allowed him to discover a new passion…one
that leads to his untimely death.”)
The ambition for luck is plainly seen all the way through the story. His
parents are always trying to find a way to be lucky and make more money. In order
to get his mother’s affection, Paul decides to become “lucky”(We already know this, it
doesn’t need to be here). He has a rocking horse that he uses to predict the horse
races and begins to win money (we already know this, too). It becomes an obsession
that begins to weird out the family. Lawrence is trying to show how being lucky isn’t
necessarily what everyone needs in life. He shows how when it becomes an
obsession how it can have devastating affects on everyone involved
THE BEGINNING TO A CONCLUSION 31
This entire conclusion needs a little work. Be descriptive in your summary, don’t read
what you just told me in the entire paper. The conclusion is there as a last ditch effort
to get me to go experience this story.
THE BEGINNING TO A CONCLUSION 32
*Looks good. MAKE SURE YOU PROOF READ!!! I fixed some minor spelling errors
and period etc. Watch that you aren’t relying on Word to use the correct words for
you (I have the same dilemma). After reading this I got interested in what the story
was about. You captured the true meaning of the story as well as the main
characters, but in a way that you didn’t give away too much information.
*Great use of comma placement as well. Remember when leading into a quote that
you use a comma after the intro..for example… my mother said, “I don’t mind that
kind of stuff,” after she gave me a hug. There needs to be a comma leading into the
quotes and then another comma at the end of the quote if the sentence continues. If
it doesn’t continue, then use a period.
*Work on the showing instead of telling. It really grabs your reader.
*I put some corrections (in italics) throughout the paper so make sure you go back
through and fix what I suggested or delete the comments.
If you have any other questions let me know
Nice work.