Communication Basics
• Literal content – the actual words we speak
• Feeling content – nonverbal cues and
paralanguage coincide with spoken words
– Nonverbal communication – facial expression,
eye contact, body language, distance (55%)
– Paralanguage – pitch, volume, rate, rhythm of
speech (35%)
Gottman’s Communication Model
Effective communication means INTENT = IMPACT
Speaker /
Encoder
MESSAGE
= Literal
Content
+ Feeling
Content
Listener /
Decoder
She looks good
in that sweater.
I wonder if it’s
Speaker /
new.
Encoder
He thinks I
spend too
much money!
“Is that a
new
sweater?”
Listener /
Decoder
Basic Sex Differences: Verbal
• Women self-disclose more to same sex friends
than men (men self-disclose to women)
• Women use less powerful speech
–
–
–
–
Hedges (“SUV’s kind of get bad gas mileage”)
Disclaimers (“I’m not sure but SUVs guzzle gas”)
Tag questions (“SUV’s guzzle gas, don’t you think?”)
Make statements sound like questions
Sex Difference or Status
Difference?
• All of the sex differences discussed have
been shown in experiments comparing lowstatus to high-status individuals
– When a man talks to his boss might use more
distance and use tag questions
– When a woman talks to her assistant she uses
more powerful speech
Gender Differences in Purpose of
Language (Tannen)
• Report talk-purpose of language is
instrumental - to share and seek useful
information
• Rapport talk-purpose of language is
expressive – to gain intimacy and seek
understanding
Who Talks More and Why? –
Report vs Rapport (Tannen)
• In private spheres, such as a home, rapport
talk rules: an intimate environment with
virtually no concern for status issues
– Men talk less, Women talk more
• In public spheres, such as at work or school,
report talk rules: conveying information,
using logical problem solving and rational
arguments. Status issues emphasized.
– Women talk less, Men talk more
Alignment
(Tannen)
• Symmetrical Alignment-both parties are on
the same power level; a metamessage of
similarity
– Peers or friends in a discussion
• Assymetrical Alignment-either party has
taken a “one-up” or “one-down” position;
power is not equal – one is superior and one
is inferior
– Criticism, Advice, Directions, etc.
Communication in Intimate
Relationships
Gender Differences in Alignment
in Intimate Conversations
• Women often take on “one-down” role (easily
request help or admit vulnerability)
• Women often accept “one-down” role if given
(accept advice or direction)
Gender Differences in Alignment
in Intimate Conversations
• Men do not take on “onedown” role (uncomfortable
requesting help or admitting
vulnerability)
• Men do not accept “one-down”
role if given (ignore request or
advice)
Examples of Clashing Gender
Differences – Discussing Problems
1) “Don’t you care about my problem?”Women are confused and hurt when men
problem solve instead of matching
complaints or sharing stories.
2) “They’re my problems, not yours.”- Men are
often baffled and put off when women match
complaints or share stories, rather than
problem solve.
Examples of Clashing Gender
Differences –Explaining Self
3) “Why do I have to explain everything to
you?” –Often men interpret women’s detailed
questions as nosy and intrusive - explaining
one’s self puts one in the “one-down” role.
Examples of Clashing Gender
Differences – Nagging
• “Why do I have to ask a million times
before you do what I ask?”- Men delay
responding to request because they perceive
“following orders” as being in one-down
role. Unaware of status issues women repeat
requests.
Examples of Clashing Gender
Differences – Seeking Help
• “Why don’t you ask someone for
directions?”-Often, men uncomfortable with
“one-down” role and do not seek help.
Gottman Observed Pattern of
Communication That Predicts
Divorce with Amazing Accuracy
1) Complaint
2) Refusal to Accept Influence
3) Reciprocation of Negative Affect
Complaint
• Example, “You didn’t call to let
me know you were going to be
late for dinner.”
• Usually the woman
• There are many ways to bring
up a “sticky issue” which we
will discuss later.
Complaint
• Applying Tannen’s alignment
issues:
– Female may just be looking for
sympathy, understanding,
sharing stories
– Eventually perhaps discussion
of solutions once she has felt
“understood”
– Remember complaints can be
interpreted as “I know more
than you”
Refusal to Accept Influence
• Usually male
• Gottman has found 65% of
the time men take this
approach
• This approach usually
escalates the conflict
Refusal to Accept Influence
• Many ways to do this:
– (1) ignoring problem
– (2) not accepting responsibility
for problem (making excuses
or blaming others)
– (3) minimizing problem
– (4) bringing up other problems
– (5) ATTACK
Refusal to Accept Influence
• Applying Tannen’s alignment
issues:
– He focuses on “one-down”
alignment, often ignoring actual
complaint content. Remember men
hate the “one-down” position.
– His immediate goal is usually to
regain symmetrical alignment or
one-up position.
– Addressing problem justifies the
“one-down” position going against
his tendency.
Reciprocation of Negative Affect
• Usually female
• After the male escalates the
argument, she “takes the bait”
and responds to him in a further
escalation of the conflict
• Didn’t achieve goal, feels
frustrated and misunderstood
Other Behaviors Predicting
Divorce (Gottman)
• 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling,
belligerence) are behaviors either partner
exhibit individually that predict divorce. In
over 80% of couples that divorce, at least one
partner is guilty of one of these behaviors.
Gottman’s Negative Behaviors:
Complaining
• Complaint – “I hate it when you forget to call”
• Kitchensinking – “I hate it when you forget to
call and forget my birthday and forget to pay
the light bill”
• Criticism – “You are irresponsible.”
• Contempt – “You are a jerk” (often expressed
nonverbally or with paralanguage)
Negative Behaviors: Responding
to a Complaint
• Defensiveness
– Yes But – “I was so busy I forgot to call”
– Cross complaint – “Well you forgot to charge my cell
phone”
• Domineering – “It’s obvious that you are wrong”
• Belligerence – “If I’m such a jerk I should just
leave. Is that what you want?”
• Yes, dear – “Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say.”
Negative Behaviors: Responding
to a Complaint
• Stonewalling – “I refuse to talk about this”
(often conveyed nonverbally while
listening)
– 85% of the time in marital conflicts, it is the
man that does this (Gottman)
– Being stonewalled caused the strongest
negative physiological effect Gottman found
• Gottman believes it is the cruelest of the behaviors
he measured
Other Negative Behaviors
• Negative Mindreading – assuming partner’s behavior
has a negative cause
• “You can’t stand it when I’m right” or “You do this just to spite me”
– Why is mindreading a negative behavior?
• Conflict becomes about discussing motivations rather than behaviors,
very difficult to resolve
• Finding out the truth is more positive alternative
• Hidden Agenda – picking or prolonging a fight about
something other than what’s really bothering you
• “You’re always staring at other women!” (when she is really worried
that he doesn’t find her attractive)
Positive Behaviors: Complaining
• Positive / Neutral Problem Description –
“We often disagree about how to discipline
the kids”
• ‘I Feel’ Statements (or XYZ statements)– “I
feel X when you do Y in situation Z ”
• Editing – “When would be a good time to
discuss this issue?”
• Behavior description – “You’re late and you
said you would call.”
Positive Behaviors: Responding
• Validation – “I can see how you feel that way”
• Paraphrase – “So it upsets you when I forget to
call?”
• Perception check – “You seem upset. Is that
true?”
• Humor – “I must have been crazy (while
making a silly face)”
• Assent – “You are right”
• Task Oriented Talk – “So what are we going to
do about this?”
Positive Behaviors:
Metacommunication
• Stop Action – “Hey wait. Let’s get back on
topic”
• Give Feedback on Impact – “What you just
said hurt my feelings”
• Seek Feedback on Impact – “How do you
feel about what I just said?”
Avoiding Complaint – Refusal –
Reciprocation Pattern
• WOMEN
• MEN
– Use “I Feel” Statements
– Validate
– Edit &
– Edit &
Metacommunicate
Metacommunicate
– Fight tendency to
– Fight tendency to
Reciprocate Negative
Refuse to Accept
Affect
Influence
Remind yourself this person loves you to calm anger
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• H, “The house is always dirty.”
• W, “I can’t do everything.”
Yes But
• H, “I’m tired of the same old thing for
dinner.”
• W, “Get yourself a new cook.”
Belligerence
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• H, “I feel you are a jerk.”
• W, “Get over it.”
Criticism
• W, “Can’t we try to spend more time
together?”
• H, “Sure we can honey right after I earn that
big promotion.”
Yes dear
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• H, “Will you please limit long distance calls?”
• W, (rolls her eyes) “Will you please shut your
stinking trap?”
Contempt
• H, “You didn’t iron my shirt.” Cross complain
• W, “You didn’t take out the trash.”
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• H, “You seem upset by
what I just said.”
Perception checking
• W, “Did what I just said
upset you?”
Seek Feedback
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• H, “When you tell me how to drive, it
makes me upset.”
I Feel Statement
• W, “Would it help if I drove when we are in
a hurry?”
Task oriented talk
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• H, “Please don’t talk to our daughter that way.”
• W, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Don’t you dare question me. Anyone who
spends as much time with their children as I do
would see I’m right.”
Domineering
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• W, “You spend too much time at the bar
with the boys.”
• H, “So what.”
Belligerence
• W, “What are you doing?! Leave your
muddy shoes outside, moron.”
Contempt
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• W, “I stay at home alone
with the kids all day then
when you come home
you won’t spend time
with us.”
• H, “I work hard all day. I
need time to rest”
Yes but
Identifying Conflict Behaviors
• W, “I try to keep this place
neat. You don’t care how we
live.”
Negative Mindreading
• H, “I’m sick and tired of the
way you spend spend
spend.”
• W, (turns the TV up louder)
Stonewall
Nonverbal Communication
• Facial Expressions
– Universally recognized
(innate?)
– Governed by culturally
determined display rules
– Easiest for us to control (fake a
smile)
Nonverbal Communication
• Gazing
– Conveys interest or attraction or
dominance
– Visual dominance ratio – for
average person 60% if listening,
40% if speaking BUT for powerful,
high-status person 60% if speaking,
40% if listening
Nonverbal Communication
• Touch & Interpersonal
distance
– Low status people get
touched more and get
crowded in on
Nonverbal Communication
• Body Language
– Very difficult to control
– High status people adopt asymmetric, open
positions taking up lots of space
Finding the Truth
• If there is a discrepancy between literal content
and feeling content, the truth usually lies within
the feeling content! (Burgoon, 1994)
Basic Sex Differences :
Nonverbal Communication
• Women smile more
• Women make more eye contact when
listening, men make more eye contact when
talking
• Women get touched more
• Women have less interpersonal distance
Gender Differences in Nonverbal
Sensitivity Affects
Communication
• Who can speak
effectively using
nonverbal cues?
– Body language, facial
expression,
paralanguage
• Who can interpret
nonverbal and verbal
speech effectively to
understand speaker’s
meaning?
Noller Nonverbal Sensitivity Study
• Noller (1980) examined how accurately married
couples could understand what their partner
meant. Accuracy in this study means the speaker’s
intent matches the impact on the listener.
Noller’s Study: Method
• Speaker with
Neutral Intent
was told
“Imagine you
and your spouse
are sitting alone
on a cold winter
evening. You feel
cold. You wonder
if it’s only you
who feel cold.”
“I’m cold,
aren’t you?”
Noller’s Study: Method
• Speaker with
Negative Intent told
“Imagine you and
your spouse are
sitting alone on a
cold winter evening.
You feel cold.
You’re feeling that
he/she is being
inconsiderate by not
turning up the heat
by now and you
want him/her to turn
it up immediately.”
“I’m cold,
aren’t you?”
Noller’s Study: Method
• Speaker with
Positive Intent
told “Imagine you
and your spouse
are sitting alone on
a cold winter
evening. You feel
cold. You want
him/her to warm
you with physical
affection.”
“I’m cold,
aren’t you?”
Noller’s Results – Did Intent Equal
Impact?
• It depends! Accurate interpretation of message
most likely in high marital adjustment group,
followed by moderate and low groups
Noller’s Results: Explaining When
Intent Did Not Equal Impact
HUSBAND SPEAKER – WIFE LISTENER
• When wives did not accurately interpret
husband’s intent, observers also did not
understand it (errors due to poor encoding)
Noller’s Results: Explaining When
Intent Did Not Equal Impact
WIFE SPEAKER – HUSBAND
LISTENER
• When husband did not accurately
interpret wife’s message, observers
DID understand it (errors due to
poor decoding).
Noller’s Results: Explaining When
Intent Did Not Equal Impact
WIFE SPEAKER –
HUSBAND LISTENER
• Husbands’ decoding errors
were found to be due to
tendency to interpret their
wives as having a negative
intent when they did not.
– Especially common in low
adjustment group.
So Are Women Always
Complaining?
• Of course not! BUT
80% of the time it is
the wife who brings up
a “sticky subject” that
needs to be discussed
(Gottman).