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Redefining “Perfect”
The irony of perfectionism is that it can hinder our progress towards perfection. As a
recovering perfectionist, I look back to when the desire for immediate perfection climaxed in my
freshman year at Brigham Young University. I wanted to be an active member of multiple
campus clubs, lead the hall council, organize parties, teach inspiring Relief Society lessons, and
have the ideal dating life—all while earning that line of straight “A”s, eating healthily and
exercising, scooping ice cream at the Creamery, sleeping eight hours a night, and pleasing every
person I met along the way. I tried to dedicate my full efforts to each of these, but my time and
energy was spread between so many different things that it simply was not possible. In fact, it
was exhausting and sometimes resulted in a downward spiral of decreasing motivation and
energy. My “best” didn’t seem to be good enough.
People in all stages of life struggle with this issue. A healthy view of progression is
essential for a happy and productive life, especially within the family unit. Many mothers feel
pressure to “do it all” and often deem anything less than that as a failure. Fathers want to
provide for and protect their families, and may feel incompetent if others don’t see this image of
strength and stability. Children can inherit this perfectionistic mindset from their parents. It is
detrimental to their self-image and motivation to see progress as something founded upon natural
ability rather than diligent effort. This can have long-term effects on all aspects of a child’s
development and the way he or she approaches future challenges.
The following paragraphs address how we can define a healthier view of our journey
towards perfection, for us to implement in our own lives and teach to our families and the next
generation.
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Determine Priorities and Build to the End
Finding a balance is difficult when there is an abundance of things that call for our
attention, many of which are good. Mosiah 4:27 instructs us to, “see that all these things are
done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.
And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize;
therefore, all things must be done in order.” Priorities determine that order and put us on the
path to progression.
Progression towards perfection requires focus and diligent effort. Neal A. Maxwell
reminds us that “the Church is ‘for the perfecting of the saints’ (Eph. 4:12); it is not a wellprovisioned rest home for the already perfected.”1 If we acknowledge our imperfections while
seeing that everyone else —family, friends, community members, leaders— is also mortal, we
can focus on uniting and building (not just enduring) to the end.
Sometime during the hectic sprint of freshman year, I decided to determine what would
prepare me most to serve in the future, especially in my family, and then pursued those things.
This brought simplicity and focus to my studies, and time for self-development, spiritual
reflection, and even some fun.
Don’t Take Yourself So Seriously
Happiness and productivity result if we can take tasks, education, and other people
seriously and simultaneously learn to laugh at and persist through our mistakes. Some of my
biggest blunders have been related to music. To give you an idea, last winter each member of
Neil A. Maxwell, “A Brother Offended” (speech presented at the semi-annual LDS General Conference, Salt Lake
City, Utah, April 1982).
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University Chorale had to sing a solo of the line, “there is one Lord of all”, for placement in the
correct section of the choir. In my nervousness, I changed the one word that would alter the
meaning of this text, singing, “there is no Lord of all”. Despite my hopes that no one had
noticed, you can imagine the laughter that erupted after my blasphemous solo line.
Considering this story and that my lowest grade at BYU is in basic conducting class, you
might conclude that I should just accept the fact that music is not my forte. However, I was able
to find humor in the situation and use it to see what I need to change for the next time around.
Persisting through my musical mistakes has opened up opportunities for me to teach lessons and
serve in music callings. Continually improving usually requires continually making mistakes.
This mindset, extended to studies, relationships, work, and family life, is a major key to
overcoming perfectionism while inviting progression and happiness.
If we take ourselves too seriously and expect immediate perfection, then when we have
these blunders we might be tempted to give up and we definitely won’t find humor in them.
Marjorie Pay Hinckley is known for saying that in order to get through life we have to choose to
either laugh or cry, and I agree with her conclusion: I would rather laugh.
Develop an “Other-Centeredness”
A characteristic of the natural man is to put our weaknesses, deeply personal and obvious
to us, on a balance scale with someone else’s strengths. This will always result in a skewed,
unrealistic deficit on our part. We often judge ourselves more harshly and dwell on our own
shortcomings more frequently than others do.
When we are focused on ourselves, it is very difficult to recognize the problems of people
around us and reach out to them. Sometimes I look around at the people around me on campus
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or in the grocery store and try to imagine what battle they are fighting or what challenge their
smile is covering up. If we make the time to really listen and to show genuine interest in others’
lives, we’ll find that our own problems suddenly seem very small. I’ve found that I feel the most
miserable when I think only of myself and that a surefire way to reverse this and feel joy is to get
out of my own head or home and serve.
Christ’s character is centered in His ability to observe and then serve others, even while
He was busy or experiencing His own difficulties. He didn’t say “I’m too busy” when people
asked for blessings. He noticed and healed the woman who touched His robe, despite the huge
and distracting crowd of people around Him. He didn’t forget to make sure that His mother had
John to take care of her, even as He was suffering on the cross for the sins of every imperfect
person.
Cheerfully Do All Things in Our Power
The Lord loves us unconditionally. He is fully aware of our imperfections, because He is
the one who suffered for our sins, weaknesses, sorrows, and insecurities. His grace enables us to
overcome our weaknesses. This (sorry, you perfectionists out there) is a continuous, eternal
process, and we will slip up. But repentance and progression is possible because of our Savior.
Since freshman year, I have referenced Ether 12:27 repeatedly as a source of hope and
combatting discouragement. It says, “…I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and
my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble
themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto
them.” Going back to the music analogy, I know that I miss a lot of “notes” in my life, but I
keep moving forward and try my best to play them right the next time around…or the time after
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that. Progression is a day-to-day process, and the Lord is happy with our efforts. We are
promised that if we “cheerfully do all things that lie in our power”, we can feel peace and know
that God will help us with the rest (D&C 123:17). We need to be humble and acknowledge our
weaknesses, but then have faith in Christ and continue in patience towards perfection (D&C
67:13).