Macbeth
JOE: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome. We were a little worrried that some of
you might not know what Macbeth is all about, so after hours and hours of rehearsals, this
evening we are going to perform the entire play for your benefit. In Shakespearian times, this
five act drama would have four intervals and last over three hours. However, we have cut out
the longer speeches and the boring bits and we've got it down to just under four and half
minutes. so without further ado, first performed in 1604 to his Majesty, James VI of Scotland,
James I of England, King of Great Britain, here is William Shakespeare's masterpiece,
the tragic story of… Macbeth.
CHARLOTTE: The play is set in the wild Highlands of Scotland (everyone puts on their hats)
with a battle between
JACK: King Duncan, and. (pointing) Who is that Bloody Man?
REECE: That bloody man is MacDonald, a rebel. Come on, fight me if you dare!
JACK: A fight you want is it? (clicks fingers) Macbeth! Banquo! Deal with that traitor.
Macbeth unseams MacDonald
JACK: And put his head upon the battlements. That'll teach him.
The witches appear
WITCHES: (to Banquo) All hail Macbeth! (he points to Macbeth)
WITCHES: All hail Macbeth!
KSENIA: All hail Macbeth, Thane of Glamis!
ELLA: all hail Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor!
LILLY: All hail Macbeth, who shall be king hereafter!
KSENIA: All hail Banquo - thou shalt get Kings thou be none
They vanish
TOM: They said you're going to be King
DYLAN: And that your sons are going to be Kings. Well I'm not planning on marrying ye, so
you’re out of luck. I'm hungry, let's go home, get on. I need to see my wifey. Giddy up!
He gets home to Lady Macbeth
DYLAN: Wifey! Are you happy to see me? - I killed MacDonald and now I'm Thane of
Cawdor, oh and guess what, some witches told me I 'm going to be King of Scotland
CHARLOTTE: King? Then you're going to have to kill Duncan
DYLAN: But he’s pal and he's coming to dinner tonight
CHARLOTTE: perfect, you can kill him in his…
Duncan comes in
DYLAN: yes? kill him in his what? In his dressing-gown? How do you want me to kill him?
With a knife? Cut his throat? strangle him? Ah, Duncan, didn't see you there. Welcome to
my humble abode. Wifey, greet the King. Shake his hand, that's right. Lovely. Now then, a
spot of haggis, whisky and off to bed.
Lady Macbeth leads Duncan to bed.
DYLAN: Should I kill the King? (debate between angels on his shoulder)
REECE: Do it - you'll be powerful, etc
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KSENIA: Don't do it, he's your kinsman, etc
DYLAN: OK, I won't do it!
CHARLOTTE: He's asleep. go and kill him. (Jack is snoring)
DYLAN: No, I've decided it wasn't such a good idea
CHARLOTTE: don't be such a coward
DYLAN: OK, I'll do it. (Is this Mick Jagger I see before me?)
he stabs him several times, then several times more
DYLAN (to Lady Macbeth) I've done it
CHARLOTTE: You should have left the dagger. If you want a job done properly, never ask a
man!
She goes in and stabs him several times more then leaves the dagger.
CHARLOTTE: Who would have thought the old man would have had so much blood in him?
JOE: Knock, knock.
DYLAN: Good morning, Macduff, and you've brought the king's sons with you, his wee
laddies, Malcolm and Donalbain. (tugs their cheeks, ruffles their hair)
REECE: We want to see Daddy!
ELLA: where's our Daddy?
JOE: is the King awake yet?
DYLAN: he's...
CHARLOTTE: Not yet.
JOE: I'll go and rouse him
DYLAN: You'll be lucky. I'll come with you
JOE: Duncan, wakey wakey! dead to the world as usual! he's dead! who's done this?
DYLAN points at the two nearest actors.
DYLAN: his servants. don't worry, I'll kill them! (he kills them) They deserved it. I guess that
makes me King!
Everyone kneels
ALL: All Hail Macbeth, King of Scotland.
DYLAN: (to audience) Kneel! OK, now where's Malcolm and Donalbain? I've got a treat for
them.
TOM: They've escaped to England. The witches' prophecy has come true - you're King.
DYLAN: Aye, I am.
TOM: Well that probably means that my sons will become King! (gives a big thumbs up)
DYLAN (whistles to assassins): You’re going to have to kill him!
REECE: Hello Daddy!
DYLAN: and his son. (to Banquo) what are you doing tonight, pal?
TOM: We thought we might go hunting
DYLAN: anywhere in particular?
TOM: the scary wood
DYLAN: anywhere in particular in the scary wood?
TOM: Ambush alley. Do you know it?
DYLAN: Oh yes. Good luck and don't be late back for dinner (whispers ‘Ambush alley to
Assassins)
TOM: Come on son. (rides) Here we are in the scary wood, and here's ...
LILLIE: Ha! (karate pose)
JACK: Ha! (same)
KSENIA: ha! (same)
TOM: are you here for the hunting?
LILLY (pulls out dagger) Shing!
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JACK: Shing!
KSENIA: shing!
TOM: run son, run!
They kill Banquo.
TOM(as he dies): Flee, Fleance!
DYLAN: come on! Dinner time everybody! Come and sit down. Ah! how did it go?
LILLY: Banquo's dead,
DYLAN: Good
LILLY: but his son got away.
DYLAN: Not so good. And who's that?
(Tom is pretending to be a ghost)
DYLAN: it's a ghost - never shake thy gory locks at me!
CHARLOTTE: There's nothing there. Man up, will you!
DYLAN: I'm going to see the witches again
WITCHES: Double, double, toil and trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bubble!
DYLAN: Good evening ladies. Could I please ask you to tell my fortune, again?
KSENIA: Beware the Thane of Fife!
DYLAN (taking notes on a pad/iphone): the thane of Fife? MacDuff? Tick. what else?
ELLA: None of woman burn shall harm Macbeth
DYLAN: That's good, very good. Anything else?
LILLIE: Macbeth shall never vanquished be until Great Birnam Wood to high Dunsinane Hill
shall come against him
DYLAN: How do you spell 'dunsinane'? - never mind - all sounds tickety-boo, Irn-Bru. Oh
they've gone. Better see the assassins to deal with MacDuff.
JOE: Meanwhile Macduff has left his castle undefended
KSENIA: And his wife, lady MacDuff at home
JOE: With her son. Mummy what's a traitor?
LILLIE: Ha!
JACK: Ha!
LILLIE: Shing!
JACK: Shing!
Lillie disembowels Joe
JOE: He has killed me mother!
LILLIE: and you're next!
KSENIA: screams
JOE (jumps up): What he's killed my son/ My wife? my other sons? Donalbain! Malcolm!
Let's invade Scotland with an English army and kill the hell-kite!
DYLAN: how's my wife?
KSENIA: not so good
CHARLOTTE (mad): the Thane of fife had a wife. out damned spot! Out I say. what's done
cannot be undone! To bed, to bed, to bed. (runs madly into audience)
KSENIA: She's gone mad and killed herself
(during Dylan's speech the actors put twigs in front of them and sneak up)
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DYLAN: She should have died hereafter; there would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage...
JACK: Birnum Wood is coming to Dunsinane!
DYLAN: that's all I need - I was only halfway through my speech, man.
JOE: Turn, hell-hound, turn.
DYLAN: You don't scare me! I can't be harmed by any man of woman born. The witches told
me.
JOE: But I was a Caesarean birth
DYLAN: That changes things. Mummy! (he runs into the audience, pursued by MacDuff)
JOE: (returning with head) Behold where stands the usurper's cursed head.
ELLA: and that makes me King
ALL: (kneeling) All hail Malcolm, King of Scotland!
ELLA: (to audience) Kneel then!
JOE: And there you have it – Shakespeare’s Macbeth
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