Today’s Mind Menu
• A philosophy of communication (we are
not born communicators)
• Character and personality ethics
• Turning behaviors into character
• Empathetic Listening
• Supportive/Defensive Communication
• Conflict – the bright side
• Dialogic Listening
A Philosophy of Courageous
Communication
• Self – critical analysis
• Listening, the most used and least taught
communication skill
• Kaizen
• Honesty with self and others
Courageous Communication
• We sometimes teach people to lie, based
on how we respond when they speak the
truth
Character vs. Personality Ethics
• Character ethic - people experience true
success and enduring happiness as they
learn and integrate sound principles into
basic character
• Personality ethic - success is a matter of
personality, public image, attitudes and
behaviors, skills and techniques that
lubricate interaction
Character vs. Personality Ethics
• In character based ethic, others come to
rely on our strong character and
dependability
• In personality ethic people may only know
us based on a given situation, or how we
present ourselves rather than who we are
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective
People – Stephen R. Covey
• An approach to personal and interpersonal
effectiveness that is:
– Principle centered
– Character based
– Inside-out
A View from the Inside Out
• When we want to change a situation, we
must first change ourselves
• Who/what we are communicates far more
than what we do
• The way we actually see the problem
might be the problem
Habits Become Character
•
•
•
•
•
Be proactive – response-ability
Begin with the end in mind - collaborative
Put first things first – prioritize
Think win/win – abundant and creative
Seek to understand before seeking to be
understood – empathy and dialogue
• Synergy – creative collaboration
• Rest
Empathetic Listening
• Sympathy, Apathy, Empathy, Monologue,
Dialogue
• Empathetic listening
• Dialogic listening
• Confirming communication
“Paths” in Communication
• Sympathy – feeling an emotion for or
about another person “I feel ___ for you.”
– Tends to have “me” orientation
• Apathy – lack of feeling
– Tends to have no orientation
• Empathy - Ability to view and understand
issues from another person’s perspective,
being other oriented
Empathetic Listening
• Listening to help another person empower
themselves to work through (find
resolution) their own issues
• “Give a person a fish…”
The Empathetic “Hand-up”
1.
2.
3.
4.
Define the issue
Analyze the issue
Generate solutions
Pick a solution and visualize how the
solution will be achieve
5. Evaluate the success
Empathetic Skills and Challenges
• “Paraphrase plus” – listen reflectively
• Support disclosure
• Don’t interrupt
• Avoid giving advice
• Self reflection – “what did I do well,
what could I have done better”
Confirming Communication
• People know that we value them and the
relationship
• People feel acknowledged and directly
respond to
• People know we understand their feelings
and thoughts
• People feel supported
• People know we have positive regard
Dia-logic
• Reasoning together to produce solutions
• Dialogue – a discussion between two
people
• Dialogic listening – listening to work
through issues that are occurring within a
relationship; being “we” oriented and
empowering a relationship
What Creates Conflict?
• Interdependent people perceive
incompatible goals and interference from
the other in achieving them
• Conflict is fear based
Nature of Conflict—True or False?
1. If two people engage in relationship
conflict, it means their relationship is in
trouble
2. Conflict hurts an interpersonal relationship
3. Conflict is bad because it reveals our
negative selves (our pettiness, our need
to be in control, our unreasonable
expectations)
Types of Conflict
• Pseudo
• Ego
• Issue
The Dialogic “Hand-shake”
1. Both people describe perceptions of problem
as well as their feelings about it
2. Both describe circumstances in which problem
occurs
3. Both describe what they would like to see
happen; generate solutions to the problem
4. Mutually choose solution and visualize the plan
to carry it out
5. Each describes how they will know the solution
has been successful or unsuccessful
Dialogic Skills and Challenges
• Try to address problems in the present
• Be clear about the intent of the discussion
• Keep problems “between” people rather
than “on top” of people
• Learn how to “paraphrase plus” – listen
reflectively
Dialogic Skills and Challenges
• Support disclosure
• Don’t interrupt
• Ask for clarification when necessary, don’t
assume
• Try to think “we” rather than “me/you”
Defensive Climate
• Evaluation vs. description
You and I statements
• Control vs. problem orientation
My way, as opposed to our way
• Strategy vs. spontaneity
Pre-planned communication for
outcome, rather than here/now
Defensive Climate
• Neutrality vs. empathy
Uninvolved with other’s views, instead
of seeing their views
• Superiority vs. equality
I’m ok, you’re not; rather than we’re ok
• Certainty vs. provisionalism
Mind is made up, rather than flexibility