“In a world of too much information,
Good Enough Parenting uses movies to
teach parents how to meet core needs, and, at
the same time, how to avoid passing down their
own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy
has been successful with adults, but I have
always wanted to see someone do something
on preventing schemas, or Lifetraps, in
children, and here it is!”
~ Dr Jeffrey Young
Dept of Psychiatry, Columbia University, USA
Founder, Schema Therapy
SESSION SIX:
IMPAIRED LIMITS and THE CORE
NEED OF REASONABLE LIMITS
Lifetraps Stemming from Impaired
Limits
13. Entitlement
14. Insufficient Self-Control
15. Approval Seeking
Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps)
contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits
Entitlement / Grandiosity vs
Reciprocity & Fairness
Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline
vs
Self-Control & Self-Discipline
Approval Seeking vs
Mutuality
They challenge me in a respectful and loving
manner when I get out of control, such as when I
am angry or impulsive.
They guide and encourage me to persevere with
a task even when I feel frustrated.
They challenge me when I get out of line in my
behaviour and words.
They encourage me to consider multiple factors to
avoid making a rash decision.
They guide me when I do things and say words that
would hurt others.
They say “no” when it is the best for me, in a firm,
but not in a harsh way.
They do not let me have my own way all the time.
They expect me to be responsible and contribute to
the well-being of our home, such as by doing
chores.
When parents meet the core emotional need of
reasonable limits, the child will develop some or
all of the following traits and beliefs: reciprocity,
fairness and equality, self-control and selfdiscipline, a sense of mutuality.
Reasonable Limits
Read Hebrews 12:14-17, Gen 26:34-35, 27:4145, 28:6-9
• What does the writer in Hebrew say about
Esau?
• What did his parents do that prevented him in
learning how to be self-controlled?
• Did Esau ever learn to persevere with a task when it
got too difficult?
• How many women did Esau marry by the time he
was forty years old? What does this reveal about his
character?
• How did Esau handle anger and conflict with his
brother?
• Did Isaac pass down good moral values to Esau
through the years?
• Esau was not that disturbed when he did not please
his parents, seen in Gen 26:34-35. How could this
have come about? Could his lack of closeness to his
mother and being outdoors a lot contributed to this
over the years?
Boundaries
When the core need of reasonable
limits is not met, it is a question
of boundaries.
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
SOVEREIGNTY
Sovereignty over a nation = National boundaries
Bully nations; others at the mercy of their
neighbours; territorial issues…
Personal Sovereignty = personal property,
ourselves, parental; bullies, the “picked on”.
WAS THIS CORE NEED MET IN YOUR LIFE?
Meeting this core need can mean the difference
between a HAPPY CHILD eager to learn & give to
her world or…
A child who feels: “I’M NOT HAPPY and
IT’S EVERYONE ELSE’S FAULT!”
CHARACTER IS (ALMOST) EVERYTHING
Most of our problems result from our own
character weaknesses.
A person’s character is his/her destiny.
Meeting the Core Need of “Reasonable
Limits” gives our children character!
PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE
Grandma used to say, “An ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure…”
*****************
Meeting the Core Need of “Adequate Limits”
is PREVENTATIVE MEDICINE!
Danger of not meeting these Core Needs:
• Inability to say no to hurtful people
• Inability to set limits on hurtful behaviour
from others
• Experiencing life as a victim
• Disorganization and lack of followthrough
• Inability to hear “no” from others
• Inability to delay gratification
Movie Moment
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Gene
Wilder)
Kids Need Healthy Limits!
Otherwise they develop a self-absorbed
character such as the one described in II
Timothy 3
II Timothy 3
But mark this: There will be terrible times in
the last days. People will be lovers of
themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud,
abusive, disobedient to their parents,
ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving,
slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not
lovers of the good, treacherous, rash,
conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than
lovers of God, having a form of godliness but
denying its power. Have nothing to do with
them.
The opposite of Colossians 3:12
12Therefore,
as God's chosen people,
holy and dearly loved, clothe
yourselves with compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness and
patience.
When this core need is met, your children
will have a better chance of being:
• Loving (Unselfish)
• Responsible
• Free (No “victim” mentality)
• Initiating
• Respectful of Reality (Sowing and
Reaping)
• Growing
• Truthful
• Humble (Understanding they are not the
center of the universe)
Love your children enough to meet this
crucial Core Need!
Do Not Enter
• Barrier To Entry #1 Parents today feel guilty
• Barrier To Entry #2 Parents overreact to their
own childhood
• Barrier To Entry #3 Parents lean toward “all
grace”, rather than “grace and truth”
Do Not Enter
• Barrier To Entry #4 Parents think their kids will
develop limits by themselves
• Barrier To Entry #5 Parents want to avoid
conflicts at home
• Barrier To Entry #6 Parents want to be liked by
their children
• Barrier To Entry #7 Parents are just too busy
Movie Moment
The Sound of Music
Illustrates Authoritarian Parenting style
Movie Moment
Mean Girls
Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams
Illustrates Permissive Parenting style
Movie Moment
Raising Helen
Illustrates Good-Enough Parenting
Sometimes parents have to be the “bad guy”
Ephesians 6:1-4
1Children,
obey your parents in the Lord, for
this is right. 2"Honor your father and
mother"—which is the first commandment
with a promise— 3"that it may go well with
you and that you may enjoy long life on the
earth." 4Fathers, do not exasperate your
children; instead, bring them up in the training
and instruction of the Lord.
ENGAGING COOPERATION
One of the built in frustrations of
parenthood is the daily struggle to
get our children to behave in ways
that are acceptable to us and to
society.
ENGAGING COOPERATION
• Kids don’t feel the need to wash their hands,
say “please” or “thank you”, do their
homework or even wear underwear!
• We feel the need!
• The battle is often between “I’ll do what I
want!” and “You’ll do as I say!”
Common UNHELPFUL STATEMENTS which
are counterproductive to ENGAGING
COOPERATION
•
•
•
•
•
Blaming and Accusing
Name-Calling
Commands
Threats
Lecturing and Moralizing
• Warnings
• The Quiet
Treatment
• Sarcasm
• Comparisons
• Prophecy
Five Tips for Engaging Cooperation
• Describe what you see (the problem) “There’s a wet
towel on the bed.”
• Give Information “The towel is getting my blanket
wet.”
• Say it with a Word “The towel.”
• Talk about Your feelings “I don’t like sleeping in a wet
bed.”
• Write a note – hand above the towel rack:“Please put
me back so I can dry. Thanks, your towel”
I. DESCRIBE
Describe what you see or
describe the problem
Instead of…
How about…
Instead of…
How about…
It’s hard to do what needs to be done when
people are telling you what’s wrong with you.
It’s easier to concentrate on the problem when
someone just describes it to you.
II. Give Information
Instead of…
How about…
Instead of…
How about…
Information is a lot easier to take than accusation.
III. Say it with a word
Instead of
Describe
Instead of
Describe
Look at the contrast between the effect of the long
paragraph and the effect of a single word
“less is more!”
IV. Talk about your feelings
Make no comment about the child’s character
or personality
Instead of…
How about…
Instead of…
How about…
Children are entitled to hear their parents’ honest
feelings. By describing what we feel, we can be
genuine without being hurtful.
V. Write a note
Sometimes nothing we say is as effective as the written
word. The note below was written by a father who was tired
of cleaning his daughter’s long hairs from the sink drain.
Write a note
“Help! Hairs in my
drain give me a pain.
Glug,
your stopped up
sink.”
This was written by a working mother who taped it
to the family TV set.
Write a note
“Before you turn this
on – THINK –
Have I done my
homework?
Have I practiced?”
This note was hung on the back of a bedroom door. It was
a two-sided sign that netted two tired parents an extra hour
of sleep on Sunday morning. When they were ready to let
the children in, they flipped the sign over.
Write a note
“Shhh! Mommy
and Daddy are
sleeping.”
Write a note
“Hi! Come on in!
Love,
Mom and Dad”
Parents supply
money, priveleges,
The SOURCE
possessions, etc…
IF THE SOURCE (THE PARENTS)
GIVES WITHOUT BOUNDARIES,
CHILDREN:
• FEEL “ENTITLED”
• BECOME SELF-CENTERED AND
DEMANDING
• UNGRATEFULNESS BECOMES A CHARACTER
PATTERN
• WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO SAY “NO” OR SET
LIMITS ON THEMSELVES
Lifetrap -Entitlement
When the core needs of
“Stable Base & Predictability” and
“Reasonable Limits” are not met, kids do not
develop healthy boundaries and they
usually develop the Lifetrap of
ENTITLEMENT.
Entitlement
The core message of the entitlement /
grandiosity lifetrap is, “I am special and
better than other people. Rules should not
apply to me. I should always come first.” This
lifetrap is based in a desire for power and
control.
Lifetrap – Entitlement
Veruka Salt from Willy Wonka is an example of a
child with extreme Entitlement as a result of
her parents being enablers.
Children also become entitled by modeling after
their parents
Movie Moment
When Did You Last See Your Father?
Entitled parent…
Proverbs
No wonder Solomon wrote:
Proverbs 13:24
24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he
who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Proverbs
Proverbs 16:5
5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be
sure of this: They will not go unpunished.
Proverbs 16:18
18 Pride goes before destruction,
a haughty spirit before a fall.
Movie Moment
The Bucket List
Entitled kids become entitled adults…
Lifetrap – Entitlement
The Lifetrap of ENTITLEMENT shows up in the
rich and the poor, the powerful and the weak,
but no matter who you are, it ruins your
relationships.
People with the Entitlement Lifetrap believe that
what they want or need should always be a
priority. It is okay for them to cheat on their
spouse, and they minimize it. They do not need
to fasten the seat belt when the plane is taking
off, they can park illegally, and they generally get
angry when they do not get their way.
Entitled individuals do not care if getting their
way disadvantages others. They will change
the rules when playing a game. As long as they
win, that is what matters.
Movie Therapy
The Last King of Scotland
Rules don’t apply to me,
hate to hear the word “No”
Movie Moment
• The Last King of Scotland
• Rules don’t apply to me,
• hate to hear the word “No”
Processing…
Movie Moment
Singles
Magical Thinking
Cannot take feedback
Lifetrap – Insufficient Self-Control
When the core need of “Reasonable Limits” are
not met, kids do not learn limits and they often
develop the Lifetrap of INSUFFICIENT SELFCONTROL.
Insufficient Self-Control
The core message of the insufficient self-control
/ self-discipline lifetrap is, “I should not be
uncomfortable.” This lifetrap leads people to
express their emotion negatively, avoid difficult
tasks, and give in to temptation.
This lifetrap interferes with healthy adult
behavior of reciprocity in relationship and
setting and achieving goals.
Movie Moment
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Gene Wilder, Jack Robertson
No Limits produces the Lifetrap of Insufficient
Self-Control & Entitlement
Lifetrap – INSUFFICIENT SELF-CONTROL
Grown-ups with the Lifetrap of INSUFFICIENT
SELF-CONTROL may have a hard time holding
a job or struggle with sexual issues.
Movie Moment
When Did You Last See Your Father?
The Lifetrap of Insufficient Self-Control
Movie Moment
Angela’s Ashes
Lifetrap – Approval Seeking
When the core need of Reasonable Limits is not
met, such as when the parents are Entitled
themselves, or abusive, and are not providing
stability, children often develop the Lifetrap of
APPROVAL SEEKING.
Approval Seeking
The core message of the approval
seeking lifetrap is, “I must seek the
approval of others above all else. If other
people do not approve of me, something
is very wrong.” This pattern of thinking is
about defining who we are through the
eyes of others rather than paying
attention to our own needs and desires.
Movie Moment
• When a Man Loves a Woman
Andy Garcia, Meg Ryan
Mother comes home drunk…
Lifetrap – Approval Seeking
The mother couldn’t meet her daughter’s
need for STABILITY or PREDICTABILITY, nor
could she provide REASONABLE LIMITS
because she herself was the abuser. The
child only wanted to please the mother,
and felt so confused.
Basic Safety when meeting the
Core Emotional Need of
Reasonable Limits
Internet Danger
Protect your children!
Computer, TV, video game, etc
Phone usage – when where how much
“Oh be careful little ears what you hear…”
Media = The Other Parent
Porn and other scary findings…
www.kids-in-mind.com
• An extremely important component of basic
Safety for this core need revolves around
protecting your child from the dangers of
early/inappropriate exposure to sex and violence.
In particular, this is related to dangers on the
Internet (porn, revealing too much on social
networking sites, lurking paedophiles, scams,
inappropriate YouTube videos, and the like), to
listening to inappropriate song lyrics, and to
inappropriate and sexually explicit books, movies,
and TV shows.
• Parents need to understand how the use of
video games, particularly those that
emphasise violence and sexuality, and the
Internet without limits can have dire
consequences that may scar their children for
life. How can we put healthy limits in our
children given the devastation that the
Internet can cause them? This is not
something that should be taken lightly.
conducted in Singapore, published by the American
Academy of Pediatrics (2009), which found the
strongest factor associated with early teenage
sexual intercourse for male adolescents was
viewing pornography for between 14 and 19 years
of age. This finding agreed with another study
conducted in Sweden with boys between 17-21
years of age (Reference no. 12) Most of the boys
who viewed pornography use the Internet (59%) as
the main source, followed by videos (19%) and
mobile phones (14%).
• Parents who doubt whether they should limit
their children’s “screen time” have to ask
themselves if they are happy with their children
being raised by “the other parent”. “The other
parent”, (from the name of the book authored by
James P. Steyer and Chelsea Clinton (2003), which
we recommend) is another name for all the
media our children are being exposed to. This
“other parent” condones the following (indirectly
and/or directly):
• Sex outside of marriage, even without having
any commitment
• Flirting is fine, even if you are married
• Children need to be allowed more freedom
• Strict parents are old-fashioned
• Material things buy happiness
• Looks are much more important than
character
• Women are objects to be used and thrown
away
• Drunkenness, drugs and the like are part of
growing up
• Aggressive and violent behaviour is no big
deal
• Killing people is part and parcel of everyday
life.
DISCIPLINE AND
CONSEQUENCES
TYPES of DISCIPLINE
•
•
•
•
Effective Time-Outs
Removing of Privileges
Spanking (not if you were abused)
Using Rewards
TYPES of DISCIPLINE
(as children age)
•
•
•
•
•
•
Natural Consequences
Logical Consequences
Parental Consequences
Nipping (behaviors) in the Bud
Lowering the Boom
Appropriate Alternatives
Spanking
• Spanking should be from 18 months / 2 years
(depending on the child’s development) till
the age of nine (9).
• This is a controversial area…people lump
abuse and discipline into one category.
• A child is like an adult but there are
differences in how they think…
• Today’s climate of “freedom” has really
diluted many biblical principles…
Spanking
• In 2001, New York Times published an article
about spanking…
• “In it, Dr. Diana Baumrind of the University of
California, asserted that social scientists had
overstepped the evidence in claiming that
spanking caused lasting harm to the child.
• ''The scientific case against the use of
normative physical punishment is a leaky dike,
not a solid edifice,'' Dr. Baumrind said.
• Dr. Baumrind, a psychologist known for her
classic studies of authoritative, authoritarian
and permissive styles of child-rearing, said she
did not advocate spanking.
• But she argued that an occasional swat, when
delivered in the context of good child-rearing,
had not been shown to do any harm.
Spanking vs Abuse
The studies cited by opponents of corporal
punishment, Dr. Baumrind contended, often do
not adequately distinguish the effects of
spanking, as practiced by nonabusive parents,
from the impact of severe physical punishment
and abuse.
Nor do they consider other factors that might
account for problems later in life, like whether
parents are rejecting or whether defiant or
aggressive children might be more likely to be
spanked in the first place."
What do we do when they after the
age of nine?
• Discipline is not just about spanking. It is
about the parents taking measures to cause
the child to learn some important principles
about being developing character and being
responsible.
Behavior is a result of
a. The child’s temperament
b. Having their core needs met
c. Other influences – environment, birth order,
tragedies…
• Discipline is not for those involved in very
serious crimes – drug users, alcohol abuse…
• It is for normal families made up of normal
parents who mess up occasionally…
By the time they reach the age of nine, they
should have learned the following:
1. Pay attention to what parents say.
2. Do as parents tell you.
They need to see and learn the following by
then:
A. See you as an authority figure.
B. See that bad choices have terrible
consequences…
A. Seeing You An the Authority
Many children do not make it to this stage by
the time they reach 9 years old, then life gets
tough…
This is a role that you gave you.
Eph 6:1-4
Your primary role is to be a parent, not a friend
(balance this with the emphasis on emotional
connection.)
B. See that bad choices have terrible
consequences…
The law of sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:110)
• When they have seen you as an authority
figure/understand the need to make good
choices, then by the time they reach nine/ten,
then you will be able to make the shift from
authority to being a mentor / coach.
• If they do not reach the first then you have to
brace yourself for some difficult times ahead…
• When they are past this stage they will still
need to please God and you as well and make
choices for themselves.
• Nothing wrong with making choices to please
parents. We have to learn to please God for
the rest of our adult lives, too.
2 Cor 5:9
9 So we make it our goal to please him, whether
we are at home in the body or away from it.
Consequences…
1. Consequences should match with the
offense, not too huge and not too trivial…
2. Maintain good healthy emotional connection
always (once a week for each child by each
parent). When relationship is good, then they
would not want to jeopardize this and it will
help them to take your values on board.
Consequences will be minimal.
• No matter what happens consequences will
have to come into play at some point…
• Many parents feel guilty or ashamed. Then
they will either overcompensate or avoid or
surrender.
Doing chores at home should be normal, and
generally kids should not be paid for this – it is
part of being a family, part of being in a
community.
Rewards – pocket money. It comes as a privilege
with good behavior, or for extra chores.
Differentiate between your tastes and bad
decisions/behavior.
E,g,
Hair styles
Music (with limits(
Food
Sports / CCA
School subjects
• Overcompensating = Micromanagement
• Avoidance = Permissive
• Surrender = Guilt
When authority and choices are not established
by the age of nine then parents overreact and
micromanage, or counterattack, or avoid, or
surrender.
This breeds resentments, anger,
rebellion…especially when there is no
emotional connection either.
Infraction
Penalty
Homework not done
Pornography
No TV weekend
No computer use
Chores not done
No going out with
friends
Grounded 2 weeks
Serious lying
Rewards for good behavior
Studies, honesty, integrity…
Parents must walk the talk, not just talk the
talk…
Don’t discipline for not having QTs…rather teach
the value, let them see how your QT changes
you, how close you are with God, and do QTs
with your children frequently.
Teenproofing
Eliminate constant fighting…
Just set your limits and move on. Never mind
who gets the last word…
Let consequences do the teaching… it is
powerful.
As they get older – issues like dating
• Their values should set them in the right
direction.
• Church makes a huge difference. Talk often
about what happens when people get married
and don’t have the same values.
Common Mistakes
1.
2.
3.
4.
Parents not unified
Punishment doesn’t fit the crime
Focusing on the lesser things
Lack of CPR:
Consistency, Predictability, Reliability
Movie Moment
When a Man Loves a Woman
Andy Garcia, Meg Ryan
Mistakes parents make when trying to
discipline…
Common Mistakes
1.
2.
3.
4.
Parents not unified
Punishment doesn’t fit the crime
Focusing on the lesser things
Lack of CPR:
Consistency, Predictability, Reliability
Great Example
Imitate this teacher as he meets the core need
of “Reasonable Limits” and helps to prevent or
lessen the impact of the lifetraps of
Entitlement & Insufficient Self-Control.
Movie Moment
• The Ron Clark Story
• See how a teacher handles his class.
• Notice how he…
• SAYS WHAT HE MEANS
 Clarifies Rules and Consequences
• MEANS WHAT HE SAYS
 Enforces Rules with Consequences
A family with Adequate/ Reasonable
Limits is a HAPPY FAMILY!
RECOMMENDED READING
• BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS by Dr. Henry Cloud
and Dr. John Townsend
• FAMILY FIRST by Dr. Phil McGraw
• I REFUSE TO RAISE A BRAT by Marilu Henner
• TEENPROOFING By John Rosemond
Anything by Dr. James Dobson
• HOW TO TALK SO YOUR KIDS WILL LISTEN by
Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
End of Session Six
Next session:
Lifetraps Stemming from
Exaggerated Expectations and the
Core Need of “Realistic
Expectations”