Essay2EditingLog

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Ito, Blake

Professor Douglas

English 104 Section 23

3, December, 2014

Essay #2 Editing Log

Original Sentence:

Peer Review Draft: Essay 2

Instructors Comment:

Save you document as a rtf file.

Additional Comment

In your case:

Your Name CourseSectionEssay2InstructorDraft.rtf

Revised Sentence:

BlakeItoEnglish104 Section23 Essay 2 Instructor Draft.rtf

Original Sentence:

Do all Americans share the same individual opportunity in succeeding in this country? After doing research on the stories: “From the Great Divergence”, by Timothy

Noah, “From Ragged Dick”, by Horatio Alger and “Generation R”, by Don Peck, there are several obstacles that Americans face everyday when trying to achieve the “American Dream”.

Whether it is making millions of dollars, achieving a dream job, or even starting a family, the

“American Dream” is the ideal living condition individuals see themselves living in at some point in the future. Financially speaking, I agree with all the authors and their ideas of uneven opportunity of making money amongst Americans.

Although United States of America may be coined as the land of opportunity, the chance of succeeding in this country can be a struggle for many.

Instructors Summary Comment 1:

Check out the sample summary, document 32.

Instructors

Summary Comment 2:

Combine the last sentence of your summary paragraph with the signal sentence that follows.

Instructors Summary Comment 3:

Remember, only the author's opinion goes in the summary

Revised Sentence:

Do all Americans share the same individual opportunity in succeeding in this country? After doing research on the stories: “From the Great Divergence”, by Timothy Noah,

“From the Ragged Dick”, by Horatio Alger, and “Generation R”, by Don Peck, there are several obstacles that Americans face everyday when trying to achieve the “American Dream”. Whether it is making millions of dollars, achieving a dream job, or even starting a family, the “American

Dream” is the ideal living condition individuals see themselves living in at some point in the future. Financially speaking, these authors are arguing that there is an uneven opportunity of making money amongst Americans. Although the United States of America may be coined as the land of opportunity, the chance of succeeding in this country can be a struggle for many.

Original Sentence:

I agree with all the authors and their ideas of uneven opportunity of making money amongst Americans.

Instructors Comment:

This word is misspelled. Use a dictionary or spell checker when you proofread your work.

Revised Sentence:

Financially speaking, these authors are arguing that there is an uneven opportunity of making money amongst Americans.

Original Sentence:

A major struggle that Americans face is the growing gap between the

“Undeniably rich” or the “One-Percenters” and the rest of the population.

Instructors Comment:

For your topic sentences, a reader needs to see that you effectively indicate WHY you think

WHAT you think about the authors' point.

Revised Sentence:

Although hard work does pay off, I agree that with Horatio Alger, that wealthy raised children have a much better chance at succeeding financially, rather than unwealthy children do.

Original Sentence:

According to his essay,

From the Great Divergence,

Timothy Noah explains that the rich are taking too much of the country’s income and are continuing to take more.

Instructors Comment:

Essays require quotations marks.

Revised Sentence:

According to his essay, “From the Great Divergence”, Timothy Noah explains that the rich are taking too much of the country’s income and are continuing to take more.

Original Sentence:

The top “One-Percenters” of America own approximately 23.5% of

America's wealth, therefore leaving only 76.5% of the countries wealth in the hands of the upper class, middle class, and the lower class to share.

Instructors Comment:

You may need to use an apostrophe to show possession.

Instructors

Comment 2:

Floating quotation:

Instructors Comment 3:

This part seems a bit congested. That is too much information in a single

When you quote from another source, you must also link the quotation to your own writing. A quotation must not float independently in your paragraph. Instead, make sure you introduce your quotation properly by fitting it grammatically and logically to your own words.

Revised Sentence:

According to the New York Times,

“The top One-Percenters of America own approximately 23.5% of America’s wealth”. Therefore, 76.5% of the countries’ wealth must be shared between the upper class, middle class, and the lower class to share.

Original Sentence:

Another piece of literature that reflects the inequality in individual opportunity would be Horatio Alger’s,

From the Ragged Dick,

Alger tells a story (1830’s) of ferry boat ride that goes catastrophically wrong for a father and his son.

Instructors Comment:

Each topic sentence should reflect a clear reason why you believe what you believe about the author's point.

For example, you could have written the following:

Author So and So effectively conveys....

Go through your topic sentence and review how to appropriately develop them.

Revised Sentence:

Although hard work does pay off, I agree that with Horatio Alger, that wealthy raised children have a much better chance at succeeding financially, rather than unwealthy children do.

Original Sentence:

Another piece of literature that reflects the inequality in individual opportunity would be Horatio Alger’s,

From the Ragged Dick,

Alger tells a story (1830’s) of ferry boat ride that goes catastrophically wrong for a father and his son.

Instructors Comment:

This word may be a plural noun and may not need an apostrophe.

Revised Sentence:

Although hard work does pay off, I agree that with Horatio Alger, that wealthy raised children have a much better chance at succeeding financially, rather than unwealthy children do.

Original Sentence:

In addition the he ask Fosdick if he had been working.

Instructors Comment 1:

You may need to place a comma after this word

Instructors

Comment 2:

This part of the sentence contains a grammatical error or misspelled word that makes your meaning unclear.

Instructors Comment 3:

This subject and verb may not agree. Proof read the sentence to make sure the subject agrees with the verb.

Revised Sentence:

He then asks Fosdick whether he’d been working.

Original Sentence:

(Lacking other source connection)

Instructors Comment:

A reader would like for you as a writer to establish connections to sources other than your author. Start a dialogue and indicate what other authors might say about the point this author makes.

Revised Sentence:

Furthermore, Kovie Biakolo, author of the essay, “Because I Was Born

Rich”, would add that being a privileged child opened many doors of opportunity for her. She received nice things here and there, but what she really valued was her private education. Like

Biakolo, the father’s son has more individual opportunity of succeeding, than a less wealthier child, because he will be supplied the perfect accoutrements in order to reach his life’s goal.

Original Sentence:

For the less fortunate families in America, a study has been carried out that addresses the link between college graduates and widespread depression during America’s recessions.

Instructors Comment:

Is this a reason for why you believe what you believe about the myth.

Revised Sentence:

Students graduate every year with thousands of dollars in debt and no idea what to do with their degrees; this exactly why I agree with Don Peck, that having a wealthy family can ultimately save an individual’s post college goals.

Original Sentence:

Many of these students are over qualified for their jobs they are taking, and still have to pay back the massive loans.

Instructors Comment:

This part of the sentence contains a grammatical error or misspelled word that makes your meaning unclear.

Revised Sentence:

Once they graduate, these students are finally leaving college with a degree, but cannot do much with it during an economic recession. In addition, most of the college graduates are also hauling thousands of dollars in debt as well.

Original Sentence:

This is a stressful subject for any regular college graduate and is the leading cause of depression amongst them.

Instructors Comment:

Be specific here.

Revised Sentence:

Job security and degree application are stressful subjects for any regular college graduate and is the leading cause of depression among them.

Original Sentence:

This is a stressful subject for any regular college graduate and is the leading cause of depression amongst them.

Instructors Comment:

This word is misspelled. Use a dictionary or spell checker when you proofread your work.

Revised Sentence:

Job security and degree application are stressful subjects for any regular college graduate and is the leading cause of depression among them.

Original Sentence:

In conclusion, it won’t matter whether an individual is White, Black, Asian,

Latino, male, female, or disabled, if you have a lot of money, then the opportunity to achieve the

“American Dream” is there.

Instructors Comment:

Be specific.

Revised Sentence:

In conclusion, whether an individual is White, Black, Asian, Latino, male, female, or disabled, if you have a lot of money, then the opportunity to achieve the “American

Dream” is there.

Original Sentence:

(Lacking other source connection)

Instructors Comment:

A reader would like for you as a writer to establish connections to sources other than your author. Start a dialogue and indicate what other authors might say about the point this author makes.

Revised Sentence:

Alyssa Kjellberg still can't believe it. Two years beyond college, her career path has led only to jobs at a greenhouse, a hotel front desk, an aunt's office and a seasonal landscaping company -- all paying less than $12 an hour.”, scenarios like Alyssa’s are a reality for many college graduates, according to Jean Hopfensperger’s essay, “Recession Generation has

Adulthood on Hold”.

Original Sentence:

(No work cited page*)

Instructors Comment:

Where is your work cited page?

Revised Sentence:

Works Cited

Biakolo, Kovie. "Because I Was Born Rich."

Thought Catalog

. 13 June 2013. Web. 13

Nov. 2014. <http://thoughtcatalog.com/kovie-biakolo/2013/06/because-i-was-bornrich/>.

Friedman, Benjamin. "Minding the Gap."

The New York Times

. The New York Times,

26 May 2012. Web. 13 Nov. 2014.

<http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/27/books/review/the-great-divergence-by-timothynoah.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0>.

Geck, John. "Ragged Dick: Plot Summary | Robbins Library Digital Projects."

Ragged

Dick: Plot Summary | Robbins Library Digital Projects

. Street & Smith Corperation, 1

Jan. 2012. Web. 13 Nov. 2014. <http://d.lib.rochester.edu/cinderella/text/alger-raggeddick-plot-summary>.

Hopfensperger, Jean. "Recession Generation Has Adulthood on Hold."

StarTribune.com: News, Weather, Sports from Minneapolis, St. Paul and Minnesota

. 7

May 2012. Web. 13 Nov. 2014.

<http://www.startribune.com/business/yourmoney/150258975.html>.

Peck, Don. "How a New Jobless Era Will Transform America."

The Atlantic

. Atlantic Media

Company, 1 Mar. 2010. Web. 13 Nov. 2014.

<http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/03/how-a-new-jobless-era-will-transformamerica/307919/>.

Original Sentence:

Instructors Comment:

Revised Sentence:

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