CROSS CULTURAL COMMUNICATION AS A THEME IN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
Jaime Baldwin
Submitted in partial fulfillment of
COMM 451 Communication Theory
Robert R. Mendenhall
10 April 2015
2
CROSS CULTURAL COMMUNICATION AS A THEME IN WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
It is no secret that men and women communicate differently. In fact, the communication
techniques are so diverse that Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor from Georgetown
University, refers to it as cross-cultural communication.1 She coined the term “genderlect” to
describe the variances in motives and techniques in communication between sexes. “We try to
talk to each other honestly, but it seems at times we are speaking different languages- or at least
different genderlects.”2 The classic 80’s film, When Harry Met Sally, illustrates the genderlect
styles theory proposed by Tannen.
The main character Harry Burns expresses his firm belief that men and women cannot be
“just friends” because the desire for sex gets in the way. During a road trip from college to New
York with Sally Albright, he expresses this opinion and his strong conviction that all men agree
1
Griffin, Emory A. "Genderlect Styles of Deborah Tannen."A First Look at
Communication Theory. 8th ed. (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006), 435.
2
Griffin, 436.
3
with him. Sally rebuts by saying that she has plenty of male friends that she has no sexual desires
or relationships with. Harry corrects her by saying, “No man can be friends with a woman that he
finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her,”3 and then goes on to say that even
unattractive women fall into the same category. Sally shows frustration at Harry’s remarks. She
wants to believe in the innocence of a truly platonic relationship.
The writers of When Harry Met Sally are not the first to explore this topic of whether or
not men and women can be strictly friends. Researchers have found that Harry might have been
on to something. New studies have found that even though a man can be friends with a woman,
and vice versa, the idea of potential romance is always silently prowling. Eighty-eight “platonic”
friendships were put to the test as they were interviewed about their opposite-sex friends. There
was a level of trust and privacy created between the researchers and the participants. This meant
they did not discuss what the pairs of friends said to each other. It was found that more often men
confessed their attraction about their female friends. Not to mention, they also were more likely
to assume that the attraction went both ways. Overall, the women described their relationships
more as completely platonic. However, the women who did confess their attraction were found
to respect their male friends who were taken. The men tended to confess their attraction
unapologetically with no regards to their friends’ relationship statuses.4 Who was right in this
argument; Harry or Sally? If the world thought more like women, then completely platonic
relationships would be possible. However, like it or not, there are a lot of Harry-minded men that
make exclusively platonic relationships nearly impossible.
3
Crystal, Bill, When Harry Met Sally. DVD. Directed by Rob Reiner. (Santa Monica,
CA. Metro Goldwyn Mayer Home Entertainment, 1989).
4
Bleske-Rechek, A., E. Somers, C. Micke, L. Erickson, L. Matteson, C. Stocco, B.
Schumacher, and L. Ritchie. "Benefit or Burden? Attraction in Cross-sex Friendship." Journal of
Social and Personal Relationships: 569-96.
4
During the road trip, Sally tries to convince Harry that he is wrong. She does this by
employing rapport; the typical conversation style of women. Tannen refers to rapport talk as a
way of seeking connections.5 Sally is unsuccessful in her attempts to connect with Harry and
they continue the remainder of the road trip in assumed silence. Another example of women
using this conversation style is when Sally is with her friends, Alice and Marie, getting coffee at
a café. As they tell recent events in their lives, they also clearly share their emotions and feelings
with each story. Marie is in love with a married man and tries to rationalize that at one point he
may leave his wife for her. Alice gives her the cold hard truth that he is not going to leave his
marriage and that she needs to get over him. Marie sadly agrees. Deep down she likely knew this
was the truth but she wanted to rationalize it out loud just to make sure. In this way they are
communicating to connect with each other and to make sense of their worlds. Later on in the
conversation Sally expresses that she recently broke up with Joe, her longtime boyfriend. She
says that she is completely fine without him. The tone of voice she uses implies that perhaps she
is not okay. Sally wants to convince herself, and consequentially her friends, that she is which is
why she verbalizes it.
Location is a factor of self-disclosure. Women find that they can have self-disclosure in
relatively private locations whereas men tend to shy away when the atmosphere is quiet.
Although a café is a public setting, the women were at their own private table and the overall
atmosphere was at a relatively low volume. The contrast in preferred venues of conversation is
exemplified as Harry reveals his emotions to his friend. He brings up his relationship issues with
Jess at venues like the batting cage or a football game. This mimics the competitive nature of
how males speak. Harry verbally shows this competitiveness and need for conflict after he
5
Griffin, 438-439.
5
storms out of Jess and Marie’s place.6 Sally runs after him to calm him down, but Harry
continues to blow up. Sally expresses to him that there is a time and place for certain emotions
and that he needs to get his actions and harsh words in check.
Sally: Hey. You don’t have to take your anger out on me.
Harry: Oh, I think I’m entitled to throw out a little anger your way. Especially when I’m
being told how to live my life by Miss Hospital Corners.
Sally: What’s that supposed to mean?
Harry: I mean, nothing bothers you. You never get upset about anything.7
In this instance, the connection between Marie and Jess was being threatened. That is
why Sally was quick in her attempt to excuse Harry’s behavior before she confronts him. She
tries to avoid future confrontation, but instead it creates more conflict in that moment between
her and Harry. He feels that his dominance is threatened and does not take it well because he,
like many men, like to be in control.8
Report talk is more monologic and is associated with how men speak.9 Within the first
few minutes of the movie, Harry, whether out of boredom or ego, shows how men find
fulfilment in status by dominating the conversation. He decides to create a conversation to his
own liking after Sally makes it clear that she does not care to get to know him. The way Harry
speaks to Sally in the car definitely showcases this attention commanding and slightly
argumentative way of communicating. He uses long winded explanations to wear down any
defense Sally might have. Interestingly, women have the reputation of talking more than men.
Ancient proverbs say, “Nothing is so unnatural as a talkative man or a quiet woman”, “Women’s
6
Griffin, 441.
Crystal, Billy and Meg Ryan. When Harry Met Sally. DVD. Directed by Rob Reiner.
(Santa Monica, CA. Metro Goldwyn Mayer Home Entertainment, 1989).
8
Ibid, 441.
9
Ibid, 438-439.
7
6
tongues are like lambs’ tails – they are never still”, and “When both husband and wife wear pants
it is not difficult to tell them apart – he is the one who is listening.”10
Studies have shown different results as to which sex talks more and why. Dr Luan
Brizendine, author of In the Female Mind, says that the reason why women talk more is purely
scientific. To put it simply, male and female brains are just wired differently. Brizendine’s
explanation is that women have more brain cells to devote to speech. “And, if that wasn't
enough, the simple act of talking triggers a flood of brain chemicals which give women a rush
similar to that felt by heroin addicts when they get a high.”11 There is also the inconclusive
debate of nature verses nurture. Neuroscientist Lise Eliot believes that people develop the parts
of their brains that their gender initially favors. For example, boys have slightly better spacial
perception and that is why they are drawn to activities such as playing kickball or video games.12
Scientists have discovered that sex hormones begin influencing the human body during the fetal
stages of life. Only twenty six weeks into pregnancy they found that females had a thicker corpus
callosum. This is the part that connects the right and left sides of the brain. It was also found that
in adults, females have language functioning in both sides of their brains. Males were proven to
only use their left side of their brain when listening. Women tend to excel in language, whereas
males are more susceptible to learning disabilities like dyslexia.13 Brizendine says, "Women
10
"Language as Prejudice." PBS. January 1, 2005. Accessed February 23, 2015.
http://www.pbs.org/speak/speech/prejudice/women/.
11
Macrae, Fiona. "Women Talk Three times as Much as Men, Says Study." Mail Online.
November 28, 2006. Accessed February 25, 2015. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article419040/Women-talk-times-men-says-study.html#ixzz3SiVyEVfA.
12
Halpert, Julie. 2011. "Pink VS. BLUE." Scholastic Parent & Child 18, no. 8: 5357. Academic Search Complete, EBSCOhost (accessed February 23, 2015).
13
Feature, WebMD. "How Male and Female Brains Differ." WebMD. January 1, 2015.
(Accessed February 26, 2015) http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/how-male-femalebrains-differ.
7
have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country
road."14
Deborah Cameron, a Scottish feminist linguist, wrote a book entitled The Myth of Mars
and Venus. This book makes multiple arguments against the classic read Men Are from Mars,
Women Are from Venus. She has compiled scientific research and her own personal beliefs to
dispute against the claim that females talk more and are more verbally skilled than males. She
reviewed fifty-six studies at the University of Windsor with Janice Drakich, associate professor
in the department of sociology. Thirty-four of those studies suggested that men actually talk
more than women.15 Multiple scientific studies have been conducted measuring both sexes’
verbal contributions in a single interaction. Although the results are not consistent, more often
than not they reveal that men do indeed talk more than women. If this is true, the character of
Harry would be considered “normal”. Fifty-six separate studies were researched. The results
were as follows:
Men talk more than women / 34 (60.8%)
Women talk more than men / 2 (3.6%)
Men and women talk the same amount / 16 (28.6%)
No clear pattern / 4 (7.0%)16
The interactions studied were in formal and public settings. Typically, the persons with
the believed higher-statuses speak to those of lesser status. This then exposes want for a
hierarchal dominance, as expressed by Tannen. However, if a male and female are both
instructed to talk about a topic that is more feminine, the female then typically becomes the
14
Ibid.
Fulbright, Dr. "Male-Female Communication: Debunking the Mars-Venus Myth." The
Huffington Post. February 13, 2011. (Accessed March 2, 2015).
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-yvonne-k-fulbright/male-femalecommunication_b_813095.html.
16
Cameron, Deborah. The Guardian. October 1, 2007. (Accessed February 23, 2015)
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/oct/01/gender.books.
15
8
dominant, more talkative participant.17 With this being said, dominance is more situational,
therefore one could conclude that neither gender is more talkative than the other, reasonably
people in general talk about what they know. In When Harry Met Sally, Harry believed that he
was more knowledgeable in the topic of relationships between the sexes, hence the excessive
dialogue.
Dominance, or rather submissiveness, can be shown by the simple act of asking
questions. It is easy to imagine the cliché situation where a man and woman are in a car. Both
unaware of their geographical location in relation to their destination. The woman turns to look
from the passenger seat and asks, “Why don’t we just pull over and ask for directions?” Before
their journey to New York, Sally explains that she has compiled a route to get there and brought
along a map just in case. Harry is never shown using either and the audience can assume that he
never does.18 Women often feel that men should be dominate as they are seen as the care-takers
and head-of-houses. However, women also do it as a way, again, to make connections. Openended, or tag questions as Tannen refers to them, are commonly used by women. “You know
what I mean?” or “Don’t you think?” are examples. The reason women do this is to avoid
conflict or a disagreement that might tear apart the relationship. It also is a way to get the other
person to comment on the comment made by the female.19
Louann Brizendine, founder and director of the University of California department of
psychiatry and author of The Female Brain, found that, “women are chatterboxes, speaking an
average of twenty thousand words per day, nearly three times the mere seven thousand spoken
17
Cameron.
Griffin, 440.
19
Ibid.
18
9
by men.”20 But recently James Pennebaker, chair of the University of Texas at Austin's
psychology department, expressed his skepticism and took matters into his own hands. A device
which he called an EAR, or electronically activated recorder, was given to 365 university
students in Texas, Arizona, and Mexico. The EAR was placed in purses, book bags, and pockets
as it captured thirty seconds of audio every twelve and a half minutes for seventeen hours (not
accounting for hours of sleep). Two hundred and ten of the participants were women and one
hundred and eighty-six were men. The evidence concluded that men tend to speak with a wider
vocabulary. Conversely, there was a difference in word count of about a thousand words: 16.215
words for women and 15.669 words for men.21 It was found, however, that the stereotypes
regarding subject matter held to be true: women like to gossip and men like to talk about objects,
like electronics or cars. Tannen says to look at how children decide who their best friends are.
For girls, their best friend is the person that they talk to about everything. For boys, their best
friend is someone they do everything with.22 Tannen said,
There's this stereotype of women talking too much, and studies that look at couples at
home find women talk more, and yet so many women have experienced – and you can
observe by looking around in public settings – it's the men who talk more.23
She believes that this is attributed to the fact that girls use more body language, while
men use more verbal language. Men and women can understand each other more effectively
20
Cameron.
Swaminathan, Nikhil. "Gender Jabber: Do Women Talk More than Men?" Scientific
American Global RSS. July 6, 2007. (Accessed March 2, 2015)
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/women-talk-more-than-men/.
22
Berl, Rachel. "How to Improve Communication With Your Partner." US News.
November 21, 2013. (Accessed February 24, 2015) http://health.usnews.com/health-news/healthwellness/articles/2013/11/21/how-to-improve-communication-with-your-partner.
23
Ibid.
21
10
once we think of cross-gender communication as if it were its own language, like French or
German.24 According to Tannen, the first step is to be aware of the differences in motives and
style of communication. It may seem like males do not understand females at all and vice versa
because of these differences, but in the case of Harry and Sally, this was not so. Harry goes to
find Sally at a New Year’s Eve Party. After he confesses his feelings for her, Sally, with tears in
her eyes, refuses to accept what he has just told her. He utilizes rapport talk to connect with her.
Then how ‘bout this way. I love that you get cold when it’s seventy-one degrees out. I
love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little
crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend
a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the
last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.25
Men need to be able to use rapport talk occasionally, just as often as women should use
report talk. Sally is never shown engaged in report talk, but Genderlect Styles theorists can hope
that she does off-screen. The real-world can take lessons in gender communication from When
Harry Met Sally. There can and should be a give and take in the opposing linguistic styles.
Environment should not be overlooked when opposite-sex friends or couples talk about issues
and feelings. Men may not be open to engage in rapport talk after a long day at the office,
because they cope by relaxation and see home as a safe-haven. Women, however, will more
likely want to talk about what happened in a stressful day, not because they want the man to fix
it, but because the woman wants to make sense of everything by saying it out loud. It may agitate
the woman if the man begins to put in his two cents on how to deal with a difficult boss or coworker. She, like Sally, could claim that he is not listening and does not understand the situation.
Men need to realize that women do not always want them to fix problems, but to simply listen.
Once each gender makes an attempt to understand the other’s communication style, their
24
25
Griffin, 441.
Crystal.
11
relationship will improve. As far as the question of whether or not men and women can be “just
friends”, the answer is in the mind of the beholder.
12
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Berl, Rachel. "How to Improve Communication with Your Partner." US News. November 21,
2013. (Accessed February 24, 2015) http://health.usnews.com/health-news/healthwellness/articles/2013/11/21/how-to-improve-communication-with-your-partner.
Bleske-Rechek, A., E. Somers, C. Micke, L. Erickson, L. Matteson, C. Stocco, B. Schumacher,
and L. Ritchie. "Benefit or Burden? Attraction in Cross-sex Friendship." Journal of
Social and Personal Relationships: 569-96.
Cameron, Deborah. The Guardian. October 1, 2007. (Accessed February 23, 2015)
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2007/oct/01/gender.books.
Crystal, Bill, When Harry Met Sally. DVD. Directed by Rob Reiner. (Santa Monica, CA. Metro
Goldwyn Mayer Home Entertainment, 1989).
Feature, WebMD. "How Male and Female Brains Differ." WebMD. January 1, 2015. (Accessed
February 26, 2015) http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/how-male-female-brainsdiffer.
Fulbright, Dr. "Male-Female Communication: Debunking the Mars-Venus Myth." The
Huffington Post. February 13, 2011. (Accessed March 2, 2015)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-yvonne-k-fulbright/male-femalecommunication_b_813095.html.
Griffin, Emory A. "Genderlect Styles of Deborah Tannen." In A First Look at Communication
Theory. 8th ed. (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006).
Halpert, Julie. 2011. "Pink VS. BLUE." Scholastic Parent & Child 18, no. 8: 53-57. Academic
Search Complete, EBSCOhost (accessed February 23, 2015).
"Language as Prejudice." PBS. January 1, 2005. (Accessed February 23, 2015)
http://www.pbs.org/speak/speech/prejudice/women/.
Macrae, Fiona. "Women Talk Three times as Much as Men, Says Study." Mail Online.
November 28, 2006. (Accessed February 25, 2015)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-419040/Women-talk-times-men-saysstudy.html#ixzz3SiVyEVfA.
Swaminathan, Nikhil. "Gender Jabber: Do Women Talk More than Men?" Scientific American
Global RSS. July 6, 2007. (Accessed March 2, 2015)
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/women-talk-more-than-men/.