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Introduction to Tannen’s Genderlects Styles
Men and women often see members of the opposite sex as completely different species in
regards of communication; not only do they tend to misunderstand one another, they often
cannot even connect or comprehend the other’s language due to their vast differences. In
conversations between men and women misunderstandings evolve to become arguments which
then transform and advance to verbal combat where the one cannot even understand the other’s
language. Deborah Tannen, scholar and expert on Genderlect styles and author of You Just Don’t
Understand Me, studies the communication between men and women and their conversational
styles. The simple statement that “male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication”
provides the foundation for Tannen’s studies of men and women and how they communicate
(Griffin 429). Although illustrations of Tannen’s theory occur throughout society, romantic
comedies place great emphasis on Tannen’s theory of Genderlect styles through exaggeration
and overemphasis of particular behaviors of both males and females. In the typical romantic
comedy, the main male and female characters resemble and reflect the roles of the men and
women with whom Tannen describes. The woman assumes the role as the character seeking for
some sort of personal connection to build a relationship whereas the man takes on the role as the
character longing to be the best and to prove their worth and ability. Although the typical
romantic comedy follows the structure that Tannen has described, the movie Made of Honor,
directed by Paul Weiland and starring Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan, characterizes
both the man and woman as the typical male and female through their different methods of
communication and difference in genderlects.
Summary of the Concept Genderlect Styles
Deborah Tannen, main theorist of the discovery and development of Genderlect styles,
observes and analyzes the way in which males and females interact through communication and
in conversation; she notices that both genders possess very different language styles. Tannen
utilizes the term “genderlects” to describe the cross-cultural dialects she observes males and
females participating in normal communication. Tannen, as a linguist, works with observations
and explanations; she does not study males and females as a critic therefore she does not
perceive one communication style to be superior to the other. An analysis of Tannen’s book,
You just don’t understand: Women and men in conversation, commented on the way Tannen
provided “vivid anecdotes and stereotypical conversations that are all too familiar to those of us
who have experienced the frustrations of trying to communicate with the opposite sex” (Leto
DeFrancisco 319). The book quickly became a bestseller because “her diagnosis [of
communication between men and women] is a socially-acceptable, pacifying explanation, even
though the claims are as yet largely unproven” (Leto DeFrancisco 319).
The studies of genderlects commence in the very beginning of every individual’s life due
to the theory that “men and women are said to grow up in different cultures where they develop
different communicating styles” and continue to practice those adopted methods of
communication throughout life (Leto DeFrancisco 320). Growing up, the little girl’s “play
traditionally involves more private, intimate, and cooperative groups where activity is focused
around talk” teaching girls to create and maintain close relationships (Leto DeFrancisco 320). In
contrast to the way girls grow up and learn to play, “boys’ play has traditionally involved larger,
hierarchically structured groups where friendship centers around physical activity and
competition” teaching boys to always desire to be the winner (Leto DeFrancisco 320). As
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Tannen’s studies continued, she studied specifically the ways in which girls learn to behave and
communicate in comparison to the origins and techniques boys learn from society.
The concept of genderlects highlights various aspects of male and female interaction and
underlying differences in the way both genders communicate and maintain relationships. Tannen
emphasizes the difference in male and female desire and motivation when it comes to
relationships and communication. “More than anything else women seek human connection” by
building and maintaining close relationships that focus on symmetrical connection between both
individuals involved (Griffin 432). In contrast to the female desire for connection, “men are
concerned mainly with status”; they are constantly seeking to be the dominant voice in
conversation by attempting to always end up “on top” (Griffin 432). Typically women seek to be
accepted by their peers whereas men pursue the respect of their peers focusing on a more
asymmetrical relationship. In the book Different but Equal: Communication between the Sexes,
authored by Kay E. Payne, women are analyzed and said to “want affection” which explains the
reasoning behind words such as “tenderness, compassion, sentimentality, gentleness and softness”
containing more feminine connotations and meanings (104). The desire for affection in which
Payne describes in her work reflects Tannen’s study of female’s desire for connection; every
woman desires to be loved and to find that connection through the display of affection. Men
typically do not seek intimacy; rather they desire to increase their status to visibly illustrate their
strength or masculinity. Although men do not typically seek intimacy, Tannen does recognize
that “some men are open to intimacy, just as some women have a concern for power” (Griffin
432). Although genderlects may develop stereotypes of how men and women communicate,
Tannen considers the idea that not every woman constantly seeks intimacy and connection just as
not every man always strives to increase his status. However, through observation and
experience, society in general can relate and easily accept these stereotypes of the difference in
desires for both men and women.
In connection with the previous aspect of genderlects, Tannen further describes and
supports her statement of the difference in desire and focus of men and women based on what
she has listened to in conversations between male and female. In order to do so, “Tannen
scrutinizes the conversation of representative speakers from the feminine culture and the
masculine culture to determine their core values” and by doing so she has developed the concept
of two different types of talk: rapport talk and report talk (Griffin 432). The core values of men
and women are evident and exemplified in their conversations with one another. As females seek
to build relationships by making connections and recognizing similarities, they utilize the
concept of rapport talk; women often use words to make those connections. According to Tannen
in Gender and Conversational Interaction, “it is commonly believed that girls and women
regularly engage in long and detailed conversations” in both the eyes of men and women (32).
Rapport talk is most effectively utilized in private conversations and encounters, which
illustrates Tannen’s observation that women typically talk more than men in those situations. On
the other hand, men utilize the idea of report talk in order to “command attention, convey
information, and win arguments” (Griffin 433). Tannen proves that when in public settings, men
typically communicate and talk more than women in order to establish a “one-up” position in the
conversation. By establishing that “one-up” position, the man enables himself to increase his
status, which in turn means that man has won “the battle.” The way men utilize talk resembles
the way a soldier would use his or her weapon, according to Tannen (Griffin 433). The various
ways men and women utilize report and rapport talk in their preferred conversational
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environments further emphasizes and explains Tannen’s stated observations of the male and
female in regards to communication.
Along with private vs. public speaking, various other distinctions between men and
women’s communicating habits exist based on their desire for connection and status. For
example, as Tannen continued to study men and women, she notices that the way an individual
tells a story echoes “a great deal about their hopes, needs and values” (Griffin 433). When a man
wants to tell a story it typically consists of humorous comments or jokes, however if he chooses
not to be comical he will then voice a story where he acts as the “hero” illustrating his ability to
overcome great obstacles (Griffin 433). The meaning of men’s stories often tends to illustrate
competition and accomplishment. In another analysis of Tannen’s work, in the journal entitled
Economist, the author states that “men—particularly American men—are from birth encouraged
to be competitive” which shines through in the way men tell stories (Genderlects). On the other
hand, women possess different motives when they choose to tell a story. In their search for
community, women tend to tell stories about others without any mention of themselves. In
comparison to the encouragement of men to be competitive, women are encouraged “to be cooperative” which is illustrated in their desire to create community through their stories
(Genderlects). The differences in men and women’s language styles are reflected in the ways
they choose to tell stories.
Another distinction between men and women in communication is the way in which each
gender handles conflict in relationships. Similarly to the way men desire to engage in arguments
in order to establish their masculinity, men tend to be very comfortable in conflict because they
are constantly participating in them. In comparison to men’s great desire and comfort in conflict,
women do everything in their power to avoid conflict within relationships. Tannen notices
women’s usage of tag questions in order to evade any type of disagreement illustrating their
desire and attempts to avoid conflict altogether. According to Canary and Emmers-Sommer,
authors of Sex and Gender Differences in Personal Relationships, “some scholars assume that
feminine forms of communicating—such as use of tag questions—reflect a person’s
submissiveness to the partner” in order to avoid conflict (75-76). An example of a tag question
would be, if a woman would be sitting in a room and politely states, “It’s pretty hot in this place,
isn’t it?” Although her comment should be a statement she transforms it into a question in order
to try and avoid any type of disagreement. Men and women’s communication styles differ
greatly in the aspects that women utilize rapport talk in order to establish relational connection
whereas men use report talk to command attention in order to win arguments.
Synopsis of the Movie Made of Honor
Made of Honor tells a story of a man, Tom, and a woman, Hannah, who randomly meet
one night at college and are inseparable ever since. However, their relationship is not like most
male-female relationships; they are never romantically-involved. Tom and Hannah are best
friends. Their friendship lasts long after college living in the same city and seeing one another
regularly. Tom represents the typical man who never grows up and matures; years after college
Tom uses his same list of “rules” when it comes to women and dating. Afraid of remaining loyal
to one person, Tom decides to live the single life by trying to become romantically involved with
as many women as he so desires. His relationships with all of the women he “dates” is
satisfactory for Tom because he always has Hannah to go when he wants to talk or hang out and
fortunately for him there are no romantic “strings attached” with his relationship with Hannah.
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Hannah is the typical woman searching for marriage, but has not found “Mr. Right” yet. As the
story progresses and more of Tom and Hannah’s relationship unravels, Hannah leaves to travel
to Scotland for two months on business.
While Hannah is away Tom starts to realize his true feelings and emotions for Hannah as
he desperately misses her company. Tom’s excitement for Hannah’s arrival back home is
exceptionally high because he plans to confess his true feelings for her, however to his surprise
Hannah brings a Scottish man back with news that they are engaged. Not only does Tom’s heart
break after hearing this news, Hannah then asks him to be her Maid of Honor. Tom accepts
Hannah’s request only to devise a plan to win back her heart before she goes and marries the
wrong “Mr. Right.”
The rest of the movie consists of Tom’s fight for Hannah’s heart. He goes through with
the wedding plans in order to spend as much time as he can with her to reveal his true love for
her. As they travel to Scotland for the wedding Tom figuratively and literally is forced to fight
for Hannah’s love. As he battles Hannah’s fiancé and before it is too late Tom finally confesses
his love for Hannah. Although in disbelief, Hannah joyfully returns Tom’s feelings and chooses
forever with her best friend.
Genderlects Plays Major Role in Movie
The difference in communication between men and women evidently resonates in almost
every real-life relationship in one way or another. However, the romantic relationships in every
romantic comedy or romance film exaggerate the theory of genderlects by creating the
stereotypical character following the established behaviors and styles of communication. In the
film, Made of Honor, both main characters, Tom and Hannah, fit the stereotypical male-female
relationship where Tom seeks to improve his status by sleeping with more women and Hannah
seeks connection by searching for her husband-to-be. The way in which Tom behaves illustrates
his desire for status because as Tom tells his friends about all the women he has slept with his
friends respond through praises and encouragement. Tom’s friends are either married or single
with little romantic activity therefore he stands as the masculine, envied friend due to his status
of being the “ladies man.” His natural desire for competition causes Tom to continue his lifestyle
so that he can continually “one-up” his friends when it comes to their dating lives. In contrast to
Tom’s behavior, Hannah expresses her desire for marriage and to share that intimate connection
with another individual. Her character is portrayed as tender, kind and soft-spoken, the typical
female searching for love. Since Hannah has been deprived of her desired connection for years,
once she found a man willing to give her that intimacy she fell in love almost instantly. Hannah
never received the type of connection and closeness every woman desires with the opposite sex
from Tom therefore her depravity caused her to fall in love with another man in less than two
months. Tom and Hannah’s motivations and desires directly correspond with Tannen’s idea of
genders being from two completely different worlds.
A scene in the movie perfectly illustrates the miscommunication men and women
experience due to their differences in language styles. Before Tom and his friends start to play
basketball, they converse about Tom and Hannah’s relationship. Tom goes on to describe it as
“the perfect set-up”; he can sleep with as many women as he so desires and then come back to
Hannah whenever he wants to talk or have someone to hang out with. Through Tom’s
understanding and description of their relationship he demonstrates his ignorance to the feelings
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Hannah tries to communicate to Tom. During this scene, Tom’s friends make everything clear
for Tom; they point out his unawareness of Hannah’s feelings causing them to miscommunicate.
At first, before he comes to the realization, Tom does not understand Hannah’s way of
communicating because he does not follow the same communicative language styles leading to
conflict within their relationship.
Another correspondence to Tannen’s theory in correlation to the film was the type of man
Hannah brings home with her. Colin, Hannah’s Scottish fiancé, sends messages to Tom showing
Tom his masculinity and desire for power over Tom. For example, Colin would constantly shove
Tom around and send communicative messages in conversations by putting him down or always
trying to find ways to argue with him. After interacting with Hannah’s fiancé, Tom becomes
intimidated and less masculine, which demoralizes him as a man creating even more of a desire
to become more of a man for Hannah. Ironically, however, soon after meeting Hannah’s new,
very manly fiancé Hannah goes on to ask Tom to be her Maid of Honor; demoralizing Tom’s
values as a man even further. As the film progresses, Tom attempts to prove his status over and
over again by trying to impress Hannah by throwing her the best bridal shower and doing
everything she needs to prepare for the wedding. Continuing to attempt to prove his status as a
male, Tom participates in a Scottish tradition, which occurs before all weddings. All men
involved with the wedding are to take part in games and competitions with the groom in order to
win over the bride’s heart. The image and depiction of this scene illustrates Tannen’s theory of
genderlects. As Tom attempts to fight for Hannah through the manliness of sports, he sends
nonverbal and verbal messages throughout the competition to Colin trying to make him aware of
his masculinity and to “one up” Colin anyway he could. However, in attempt to do so, Tom
continues to fail to prove he deserves to be on top as Colin persistently beat Tom in all the
competitions. The men in this film are depicted as the typical male in pursuit of his status and to
be the best of the best in communicative situations.
As the woman in this film, Hannah’s character acts like the typical woman; she strives to
find her intimate connection with someone else. The scene that best depicts her desire for that
connection is when Hannah first returns back to the U.S. and sits at the same table with Tom and
her fiancé in a restaurant and constantly touches her fiancé. She constantly shows affection and
receives it right back bringing her great joy because she finally finds a man who is able to fulfill
her desire for personal connection. Hannah falls head of heels for her Scottish fiancé and never is
afraid to show her affection and tenderness towards him communicating her great desire to build
and maintain a personal relationship with him.
As Tannen has described before, her theory of genderlects may not apply to every male
or female, however almost everyone can relate in some way or another. In Made of Honor,
although Tom continues to try and prove his masculinity through competition and fighting to
regain his status throughout the film, by the end he lets down his guard and shows his intimate
side; a side to Tom Hannah has never seen. Throughout their 10-year relationship Tom never
showed his emotional or intimate side to Hannah because he was always the guy having fun and
trying to boost his status by living the single life well. Tom’s lifestyle would then leave Hannah
never being able to develop the connection she desperately desired in order to find complete
fulfillment from their relationship. Once Tom became intimate and expressed his true feelings
for Hannah, there was no way she could resist.
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The way in which Hannah and Tom utilize communication throughout the film also
reflects Tannen’s theory of rapport and report talk. When Hannah speaks to Tom it would always
be in private conversations; like when they would have their Sunday brunches, and she would
bring up conversations to try and build upon their relationship, utilizing rapport talk. Tom would
utilize report talk and would dominate conversation when they would be in public, like at his
father’s wedding, Tom did most of the talking to gain attention and establish his status whereas
Hannah was satisfied with staying quiet. Throughout the film, in the ways Hannah and Tom
communicate and behave, they continue to prove and increase support for Tannen’s theory and
prove the existence of the two different worlds male and females live.
The way in which genderlects and the theory behind it fit in so well with Made of Honor
implicates further that almost every romantic comedy or romance film utilizes this theory to
develop the relationships between the male and female characters. In order to develop a plot and
gain the audience’s interest, romantic comedies and films focusing on romance must build the
relationship between the male and female characters in ways that the audience can relate but also
dream about. The arguments between men and women in every romance film originate from
their lack of communication or miscommunication due to their inability to understand the other’s
style of speaking. Many scholars have made the argument that men and women do not grow up
in the same world therefore develop differences in several areas including communication styles
and language. Romantic comedies and films utilize and dramatize the differences in male and
female worlds in order to illustrate the image that miscommunication between a man and woman
is common and occurs often. Relationships in films, although they may not always seem realistic,
often depict the reality of men and women’s communication styles and how they cause problems
and conflicts between the man and woman.
Men and women are said to be two completely different species especially when it comes
to communicating and language styles. According to John Gray’s Men Are From Mars, Women
Are From Venus, “men and women are so entirely different that it appears they come from
different planets…and these planets have alternative meanings for the same language” (Canary
1). As different species, in order to make relationships work men and women must take the time
to understand their differences and learn to adapt to those differences to build a healthy,
successful relationship with an individual of the opposite sex. Like in the film Made of Honor,
Tom realizes and understands Hannah’s needs for a deeper, more intimate connection therefore
he lets his guard down and shows he can be intimate in a relationship. Genderlects styles define
the way in which men and women live in two different social cultures affecting their
communication styles, which causes conflict and creates problems within the relationship.
Although men and women live in two completely different worlds those worlds also coincide
constantly and in order to find mutual and complete happiness within a relationship with an
individual of the opposite sex men and women both have to understand their differences and
learn to accept them as well.
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Works Cited
Canary, D. J., & Emmers-Sommer, T. M. (1997). Sex and Gender Differences in Personal
Relationships. New York: The Guilford Press.
Genderlects. (1991). Economist, 320(7716), 107. Retrieved November 24, 2010, from Academic
Search Complete.
Leto DeFrancisco, V. (1992). Review: [untitled]. Language in Society, 21(2), 319-324. Retrieved
November 24, 2010, from JSTOR.
Payne, K. E. (2001). Different but Equal: Communication Between the Sexes. Westport: Praeger
Publishers.
Tannen, D. (Ed.). (1993). Gender and Conversational Interaction. New York: Oxford University
Press.