MRS SALISBURY COLUMNS
SUNDAY STAR TIMES MAGAZINE
APRIL TO JUNE 2011
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
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APRIL 2011
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
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April 3rd 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury,
My partner does not show me any affection, unless he wants something. I find it very upsetting, because I am the
kind of woman that likes cuddles, kisses and closeness. He has no pet name for me. He just calls me by my name. I
feel like I’m his flatmate rather than his girlfriend. I don’t even get a kiss when he comes home from work, unless I
initiate it first. I don’t hear those three little words that a woman loves to hear every now and then. He doesn’t
even give me compliments, at all, unless I say something. I love my man very much. But I’m hurting inside.
Alone
Dear alone
In the absence of spontaneous affection I can see how lonely you would feel in this relationship. Is there a
lack of generosity across the board or only in expressing love? Have you clearly told your man his
separateness causes you great hurt? Do this calmly and directly when you are not arguing. While he may
think of himself as independent and see you as needy, relationships are about each being fully them self
with great consideration for the other. That takes an open heart and lots of guts! It also takes knowledge
and skills which you may have more of in this domain. Take the lead by trying out some of the 10 Skills for
Greater Intimacy available from the STNZ website. So much time is wasted when women hang out waiting
for men to read their minds or even worse get into bagging their man to their female friends and becoming
further entrenched in stereotyped views of men and women.
What do you know about the history of this partner of yours? While it sounds such a cliché we do first
learn to be loving by the ways in which we are loved as infants. Of course we then have many other
learning opportunities throughout life, but the first ones are the most powerful and often need to be
examined in order to be free to change. What about your own experiences? Have you always had the
reassurance of feeling known and loved in the past or are you expecting your partner now to fill a big gap?
Too many demands can have the opposite effect of creating pressure that a partner withdraws from,
fearing they will be sucked dry.
Try to have a conversation about these things with your partner, making sure that you do this in a positive
tone which leads the way towards the two of you learning to offer love in ways that work for each other.
Keep it light-hearted. Acknowledge to your man that you want to know what makes him feel loved and be
clear that may involve quite different requirements than yours! There is no one right way to love. Avoid
trying to shape him into the man you think you want: how attractive would a moulded man be?
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 3rd 2011
Download Article: 10 Ways to Deepen Intimacy
by Katherin Scott
There's no real instruction manual for deepening intimacy. As with everything else in your relationship, being
intimate depends on you. Every person is different, and so is every couple.
What makes you happy, makes you mad, and brings you closer are not things you can find in a guide. There are
things you have to discover, together. Discovery is part of the path to intimacy.
Here are some simple tips for discovery:
Step 1: Have fun together
Of course, if you're together, you're already doing this one. You need to keep doing it. Doing things together that are
fun for both of you is absolutely essential to deepened intimacy. There's no substitute for shared time.
Step 2: Do boring stuff together
All couples go on dates in the beginning, but you know you're getting intimate when you start sharing grocery trips
together. Intimacy comes with familiarity, knowledge, and mutual reliance. Let each other into the nitty-gritty of
your lives.
Step 3: Spend time with each other's families
A lot of people get freaked out when it's time to "meet the parents." This shows good sense. Getting to know your
partner's family is a big step. You'll get to know each other in a much deeper way.
Step 4: Learn your partner's language of love
When it comes to the expression of love, there are as many languages as there are people. For you, being told "you
look pretty today" makes today your own personal Christmas. For you partner, it's like saying "Good morning" -nice, but not exactly a bolt of electricity.
Learn what makes your partner feel special. Will your partner feel loved if you pick flowers? Buy a special present?
Take out the garbage? Do what your partner likes, and respect that you may not like the same things.
Step 5: Practice good listening skills
Talking and listening take constant practice. It's just not possible for two people to be intimate with each other
without some misunderstandings. Take time for slow conversations. Be a "responsive listener." Verbally assure your
partner you're present and listening. Say, "um-hum," "that sounds annoying," or "I'm so glad!" Don't assume you
know what your partner means. Speak back what you hear before you give your own opinion.
Step 6: Talk about your feelings
I'm not talking about sharing to your beloved that the driver ahead of you is a moron. Talk about things that make
you feel vulnerable and sad, things that you secretly hope for, things that you share with no one else. Talking can be
harder than you think.
Step 7: Talk about sex
I don't mean have sex talk -- not that sex talk is a bad idea! What I'm telling you, though, is talk about sex. Talk about
what you like. Talk also about what you don't like. Discussing your sex life requires great trust and great intimacy.
Step 8: Create situations for conversations
Talking is important. You need to talk about your feelings, about what you do together, about your memories,
values, and future goals. Not all these conversations just happen. Sometimes you have to plan for them. Reading
books together, going to museums and lectures, or volunteering together can make "issues" arise for you to talk
about.
You'll have a chance to discover similarities and differences. Alternatively, you can go at it directly. Ask each other
over dinner: Do you want children? Do you think spanking kids is okay? What do you think about immigration? If you
had a billion dollars, would you give it to charity? Whatever method you use, try to get to know each other's wider
interests and opinions.
Step 9: Cuddle
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You don't have to cuddle. You can hold hands. The point is, being together physically, and not only in sex,
encourages intimacy.
Step 10: Be independent
To be really intimate with another person, you need to be yourself. Don't get so lost in a relationship that you forget
your own interests. Pursuing a career, a hobby, or your own group of friends helps develop a well-rounded self. You
can then offer yourself to a deep, intimate relationship.
Remember, no one on the outside can tell you how to get closer inside. You have to know yourself, and you have to
know your partner. Luckily, getting to know each other is exactly what will bring you closer.
Copyright ©2009 by Katherin Scott. All rights reserved in all media.
Katherin Scott, MA, is an internationally recognized authority on dating and attracting love. She coaches worldwide
and regularly conducts seminars and workshops to help people empower themselves to find love and happiness.
Katherin's newest book is, ABC's of Dating: Simple Strategies for Dating Success. www.KatherinScott.com
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
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www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 10th 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury
I love your column and read it religiously hoping to see a situation similar to mine that you can pour your wisdom
on. I’m always writing to you in my head about my situation and wonder what you would say to me. I have your
book “Staying in Love” which has been very helpful and have read over and over the chapter on “Loss of Desire”
which seems to be my main concern.
I’m peri-menopausal at present and I have absolutely no desire to sleep with my husband, I don’t even want him to
touch me. This has made things very difficult and our relationship is rapidly deteriorating, everything else is blown
more out of proportion because of the rejection he feels but I just don’t want to be near him. We have had a
tumultuous marriage and there have been many arguments that have never been worked through properly, there is
resentment, lack of respect, no intimacy and I just don’t like him any more. We have two young children who are in
the middle of all this and I also suffer from depression.
It is very unfair for my husband to have to live with someone who cannot show him any love, he comes from a
broken marriage and it would break him if I decided to leave, I am sick with worry, we argue all the time. We have
had counselling over the years with some success, I feel we are due for some more as a maintenance thing, maybe
we should come and see you.
Black Cloud
Dear Black Cloud
Sexual rejection is indeed agonising and potentially destructive but the lover in you simply cannot connect to and
share her sexual energy with someone she resents and dislikes. We use the same channels for laughing, loving,
weeping and raging. If they’re blocked for one emotion, they’re blocked for all. Clearing this snarl-up has to be your
first step.
I agree that a skilled objective sex therapist would be timely to help you two tackle these relationship concerns.
Learning to fight fairly is essential for all couples (see guidelines on the STNZ website). There will always be tensions
and disagreements as you are two unique individuals living in close proximity but when these are tackled fairly and
effectively they enhance not detract from intimacy. A therapist can also help you separate out sexual and non-sexual
love and work to re-establish the latter first.
Moving into menopause does bring changes that take adjusting to. You may experience fluctuations in hormone
levels that can impact on body temperature, vaginal and vulval juiciness, sleep, mood and skin elasticity. None of
that has to impact on sexual desire though. If you felt treasured, chances are you would still want to make love. If
not, this would signal that you need to learn other, non-hormonal launch pads for desire.
Are you getting effective treatment for depression? Be aware that anti-depressant drugs commonly suppress libido
but untreated depression does too. While this seems like a cruel trick remember neither has to stop you offering
love.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 10th - Download Article:
Backing off in good grace is a reasonable expectation if sexual advances are rejected once in a while. None of us like
to be pushed away but equally we don’t appreciate being pressured into doing something we really don’t feel like at
the time. Inevitably pressure will only make the situation worse: in time it can actually lead to a rigidly entrenched
position.
A loss of interest in sex can cause considerable strain in a relationship. Couples need to ensure they have lots of ways
to still express love for each other while they work on discovering what’s happened to one party’s libido. Don’t
accept it’s gone for ever as there’s just no need to. That would be like leaving all your treasure buried in the garden
because you can’t remember where you dug the hole.
One common life stage where a loss of sexual desire is reported by women is at menopause. It is not in the least
inevitable; in fact for some women desire and arousal peaks at this time. However, lots of changes are occurring
which, if not dealt with well, may result in a loss of willingness to be sexual.
Some peri-menopausal women report that intercourse begins to be uncomfortable or painful, or they are left with a
raw feeling in their vagina for days afterwards. This of course will reduce willingness to engage in more sex. There
are clear physiological reasons for what’s happening. Women’s bodies make less estrogen as they become
menopausal and that leads to all skin, including vaginal and vulval tissue, becoming much less elastic and more
sensitive.
The late forties and fifties are a good time to polish up a sense of humour with all the changes that occur. Not only
the sagging and wrinkling that come with loss of elasticity but hairs sprouting where they never grew before.
Conversations and laughter with friends and loved ones can help make the ongoing adjustments manageable. Be
aware that alongside of the task of acceptance there are some simple remedies for some of the difficulties.
GP’s can prescribe an estrogen cream to use vaginally twice weekly (sometimes more often initially) in order to keep
the tissue healthy and elastic enough to have intercourse with comfort. This is "good" estrogen, so you need have no
concerns about the impact on the rest of your body.
The changes in hormonal supply also mean you produce less lubrication, even if you are highly aroused. A wide
range of lubricants can be purchased from your pharmacy or supermarket. Get into the habit of applying lubricant to
both of you as part of your lovemaking and enjoy its slipperiness.
If those ‘relief of discomfort’ measures don’t renew your sexual interest then consider your beliefs and expectations
about menopause. Some women who’ve never discovered pleasure in their own sexuality long for menopause as the
time when they feel they can legitimately withdraw from servicing their husbands.
Consider too the quality of the sexual experiences you’ve been having. It’s not at all unusual for lack of sexual desire
to mean that the previous sex was just not desirable. If that’s the case then it’s time to be having a good talk about
quality and style.
Don’t assume that the hormonal changes occurring have caused your lack of desire. Hormones do contribute the
biological component of sexual drive but that is only one part of the make-up of drive. There’s also the matter of
motivation which comes from sexual identity (the image you have of yourself as a sexual being), the quality of the
non-sexual relationship with your partner and the layers of reasons for the sexual behaviour.
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Aspiration is the third component of drive. The wish to have or not have sex comes from all beliefs you hold about
sex. Your body may well be producing less testosterone, progesterone and estrogen- all the hormones that
contribute to sexual drive BUT the decrease is only marginal with the first two hormones. If you've used hormones as
your generator of sexual interest in the past then you may need to utilise the other components more now.
These include feelings of intimacy and love with your partner. Consider whether, over the years you’ve been
together, you’ve taken good care of your relationship? Also, do you carry any resentment, unresolved
disappointment or anger towards your partner?
Your physical and emotional wellbeing is also important. How healthy are you? Are you using any drugs at the
moment? How much are you 'in your body'- ie aware of your feelings and attending to them well, aware of
sensations in your body, enjoying your sensuality. How stressful is life at present?
It should be clear from this extensive list that sexual desire is a complex matter. Anyone troubled by loss of desire
needs to be reviewing all of these possible contributing factors with their partner and discussing the whole issue very
fully with a no blame approach. Do keep in mind that you don’t have to struggle with this on your own: there is
professional help available.
Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Those seeking
professional help with any sexual matter should contact 0800 sex therapy (0800 739843) www.sextherapy.co.nz
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 17th 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury,
I read your recent column and identified with it so much. The letter was signed by “Spinning”. Three years ago I
discovered my husband was also engaged in phone sex. We have been married for 44 years and I had no idea this
had been going on for several years and at times several times a day. When my husband was discovered he took a
very defensive stance and made me feel as though it was my fault. Two months later he decided he wanted to be on
his own and left. A week later he returned and we started counselling. At the time I struggled with this because I
believed it was my fault and because I have only had one sexual partner during my sixty two years felt I must have
been so inadequate for this to have happened.
After several months of therapy I understood this problem had very little to do with me and was my husbands to
take ownership of. He writes down in his diary any time I don’t respond to his sexual needs. One Sunday morning,
after I had been up for several hours, gardening etc, he called down from the bedroom to come back to bed. My
response was, could we wait until that evening. He wrote in his diary – wanted a shag said I would have to wait.
I have never had any answers why this happened and certainly no explanation of why he felt the need to use phone
sex. Can you help me with understanding why men use this form of sexual activity. I find it very difficult to trust him
any more.
Kind regards,
K
Dear K
Your husband’s skills in the art of seduction leave me gasping! A diary record of refusals has never to my knowledge
proven to be an effective way to bust a move. Only one of you appears to have grasped the idea of taking
responsibility for one’s own behaviour which is a pity as such signals of maturity can effectively clear away obstacles
to long term relationship sex. Phone sex in contrast demands no relating skills and delivers a quick and easy
hormone hit.
Having a sexual urge and then feeling upset or tense until getting to have sex is not desire, it is obsessive compulsive
behaviour. I wonder if it is anxiety that kicks off this behaviour; one of the most common abuses of sex is to soothe
anxiety which it achieves quite effectively. If this only happens occasionally or if both partners use sex in this way it
may not become a problem, but when it is one sided and the other feels harassed by the demands and not loved or
considered in the process, then inevitably problems will arise.
Of course for your husband, wanting sex a lot more than you do is very frustrating. There are a variety of ways to
meet one’s own needs; any that involve a third party will usually undermine chances of sex improving in
relationship.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 17th 2011 – Download Article:
In a radio interview with Kim Hill, Australian author Murray Bail suggested that we reach harmony through
disharmony and inevitably, there will need to be some of that, maybe lots! American sex therapist and author
Stephen Levine describes the process of ongoing sexual relationships as involving connection-disconnectionreconnection. When couples present to me with the comment “We never fight” it’s almost always followed with a
story of loss of sexual desire or a wish to separate. It’s not that arguing makes someone desirable but rather that the
channels between us have to be kept open and we do have to bring our whole, real selves to the relationship to
keep sex alive- so inevitably there will be some clashes. Susan Quilliam, in her update of Alex Comfort’s Joy of Sex,
encourages readers to rage, not disengage.
There’s a myth that suggests you should never go to bed on an argument. How bizarre to battle on exhausted,
missing out on sleep and getting increasingly irrational. Sometimes, as painful as it is, we need to agree to shelve a
battle and revisit it when we’re fresher. If at all possible making it a joint decision is the key: remember the essence
of relationship whether fighting or loving is to ‘play with me’, engage, allow a connection to occur. Respect for that
connection means no-one withdraws from it without at least signaling the need to do so to the other, and making a
commitment to re-engage at an agreed time. It still isn’t easy to let go when your partner says “I need time out, I just
can’t deal with this now and I’m going out for a walk.” But if they add “When I get back I will try to talk with you
more then- can you go with that?” chances are increased you can also use the time out productively.
Fighting well is an essential skill to develop. When we think of fighting it’s usually with one winner and one loser: on
the sports field, in the playground or in court. Especially as anger is usually involved, the natural impulse is to defeat
the other. But in an intimate relationship both of you lose if you go for this goal. Try aiming for a win-win position,
where both feel heard and understood and a decision is made on how to proceed with the relationship’s best
interests at heart.
Rules for fighting well: practice trying these out each time you argue. Don’t worry if you both sound forced or
unnatural while you’re learning these- you could end up laughing!
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Don’t let anger build up.
Stick to the topic.
Use DESC (see below).
Avoid generalisations “You never”, “you always”
Use “I feel” not “you” messages.*
Listen with your eyes, ears and heart to your partner.
Allow your partner’s different feelings or way of understanding a situation to sit alongside yours, reminding your self
there is room for both.
Check with your partner if you’ve heard correctly.**
No blame, put downs, abuse, sarcasm- it only makes things worse.
Swear words are only acceptable if neither finds them offensive, otherwise you’re being unproductive.
No threats.
Stay engaged unless you feel overwhelmed or stuck- then agree to take time out but return to it until resolved,
unless it’s late and you’re better off sleeping.
Reach shared understandings that are in the best interests of the relationship- ie they recognise the involvement of
two people with different needs.
*NB “I feel that you are being unfair” is not an “I” message, it doesn’t express your feeling; it expresses your opinion.
Feelings are usually of the form glad, sad, mad or scared and they’re never followed by the word “that”.
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**You will all have heard of the cliché “So, you’re saying ….” Cringe making but essentially it does sum up key
listening skills- you need to be listening for the feelings beneath the content, reflecting to the speaker what this
emotional content is that you think you’re hearing and then checking that you’ve got it right. If not, get more
explanation from the speaker and repeat the process.
“… It used to irritate the hell out of me when my partner harped on about my communication skills. I’ve always
thought I could communicate well and I certainly never had any trouble with my friends or at work. Then I read some
material we were given about active listening and something clicked. Instead of grasping the key content and
planning a solution, in a close relationship the aim was to hear the feelings. Why didn’t someone tell me this earlier!
When I tune into her feelings and let her know that I understand them something magical happens for us both.
Someone should package and market this! It’s the best thing we’ve ever done for our sex life. I’m not sure yet how
much I like her doing it back to me. Sometimes I think women try to dig too deep for feelings and she thinks she can
hear ones I don’t think I’m even having….”
Be on the alert for:
He 1: “Work was revolting today, the boss is on the warpath again, everyone’s stressed out and scratchy and now
they’ve laid off six staff totally out of the blue.
She 1“That sounds like you’re feeling fed up and a bit worried.”
He 2“Pissed off but not worried”
She 2“You sound worried though dear, I guess anyone can feel unsettled when the prospect of redundancy
threatens.”
Try instead:
She 2 “Oh that sounds like a rotten day; I’d be pissed off too. Can I give you a cuddle?”
DESC is the best technique I have come across to express a concern effectively: try this out each time you have a
problem to communicate.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
Assertive messages are the clearest and most effective way of bringing your whole self to the relationship. Sharon
and Gordon Bower developed the DESC technique which I wish could be taught in every home and primary school.(
Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide to Positive Change, (Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Inc.), and updated
in 1991 by Sharon Anthony Bower and Gordon H. Bower.)
D = Describe
E = Express
S = Specify
C = Consequences
1. Describe: Objectively describe the problem to the target person, the one who can do something to help resolve it.
Be very specific, stating when, where and why the problem occurs. Eg “Tonight and last night you were home late for
dinner.” NOT “You’re always late home from work.”
2. Express: Using restraint, calmly express how you feel. Remember to focus on the problem, not the person who’s
causing or contributing to it. Eg “When you’re late and I don’t hear from you I get worried and also cross that dinner
is being spoiled.” NOT “Are you having an affair or do you just not care any more?”
3. Specify: Carefully explain how you would like the problem to be solved and be willing to compromise a bit to
reach a solution. Remember, you’re making a request, not a demand. “I’d like us to discuss a time I can expect you
home and have an understanding that you will let me know as early as possible if that’s not going to be possible.”
NOT “You can cook your own bloody dinner.”
4. Consequences: Lay your cards on the table. Tell your partner about the positive consequences or “rewards” that
will result if s/he helps solve the problem. If the target person isn’t willing to help, outline the negative
consequences that will result. Then be prepared to follow through. “I can enjoy cooking for you and eating our
evening meal together when I know you’re going to be home on time for it. When you’re late my cooking feels of no
value to you. If that continues I will simply get dinner ready for myself and you can make yourself something when
you get home.” NOT “You don’t care about me, so I’m not going to care about you.”
Excerpts from Robyn Salisbury’s Staying in Love, ch 8 Communication.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 17th 2011
--
Download Article:
CHOOSING TO HAVE AN AFFAIR
Few people will admit to making an active choice to have an affair. The initiation is more likely to be presented as
serendipity or a dire piece of fate. “Our marriage had gone stale when it just happened at the office Christmas party.
I’d always enjoyed talking to this man at work; he’s clever and he’s got a great body. I was flattered that he wanted
me.” Or even “My partner and I were very happy together and I thought our relationship was very strong but I was
just bowled off my feet by this woman. I couldn’t have told you what it was at the beginning but over time I came to
identify many factors that drew me beyond my normal boundaries of morality: her determination, her sense of
humour, her beautiful skin. Collectively such a powerful turn-on for me yet it took me ages to admit I had sexual
feelings for her.”
Somewhere along the line a choice is made. It may be instantaneous or it may be agonised over for days or months.
The dilemma, as with so many aspects of life, involves several dimensions. A decision has to be made between short
term gratification versus the risk of long term costs to self and all other potentially affected parties. Values need to
be clarified: most people enter a marriage or serious relationship intending to make it last a lifetime yet suddenly a
promising opportunity beckons and the thought occurs “I only get one life.” The question then arises: what
constitutes making the most of the life we’re given? It has to be acknowledged there is risk and the possibility of
regret whichever choice is made- including choosing fidelity. So is it wisest to grab every opportunity that arises in
order to live life to the full and to hell with the consequences? Or do we honour commitment to other over personal,
perhaps short term gain? For those of us lucky enough to reach old age: which decision would we regret as we sit in
our failing bodies facing life’s end?
It doesn’t occur to many people that there are more than those two options. There is at least one further possibility
that can encompass excitement, fidelity and satisfaction. A deeply rewarding opportunity that arises in a long term
committed relationship is the chance to, as sex therapist and author David Schnarch says, rub the raw edges off
ourselves in order to create the diamond we can become. This goal is achieved by confronting each of the many
frustrations that arise in relationship and addressing what they tell us about ourselves. No more criticism and blame
or focusing on the partners shortcomings but rather persistently identifying what our reactions to the other can
teach us about ourselves and working on that with integrity. This is the core of the ability to achieve intimacy which
when paired with a sensual awareness can also result in deeply satisfying, very pleasurable sex.
There’s no denying that short term this is not going to measure up to the lust, excitement and hopes of the early
stage of an affair. Encompassing secrecy, novelty and the excitement of the forbidden and not easily available,
affairs are not burdened by the weighty responsibilities of children, mortgages and washing dirty underwear.
However as with any relationship the initial fiery stage only grows into something deeper and more lasting when we
work on it. Often the help of a sexual and relationship therapist will be needed for a couple to tackle this task
successfully. Without professional help people so often find themselves repeating the pattern of their previous
relationship.
Too many possible scenarios arise from an affair to be described here. Perhaps an affair can lead to a new
relationship that can bring joy but given the starting circumstances the question must be asked: at what cost? In
reality the initial promise so often becomes deep hurt leaving wounds that may never fully heal. Of course few if any
of these eventualities are considered at the heady time of making the choice. In our disposable society there are so
many encouragements to trade in for a new model to keep up to date with changing needs that people may never
discover the immeasurable value of the somewhat worn.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
April 24th
Dear Mrs Salisbury
I have found that some men my age and younger (I am 41) are programmed to relate to me in physical terms as if I
am some kind of a wannabe pornographic fantasy. What I mean by this is that they use the vocabulary and want me
to act as they have seen on pornographic sites and want me to "buy into" this fantasy of theirs. The end result is
that I feel that I am not really "there" when things start to get physical and I feel like I am being coerced to act
and talk to fit in with this fantasy.
What do you think? Am I being oversensitive? What is this thing about pornography that some men I meet like to
emulate? How come some men can't share intimacy with a woman, even if the liaison is casual? What is the hold
that porn has on people? Are we really being desensitised - or de-sensualised?
Concerned, Auckland.
Dear Concerned
Very few real women respond like actresses in porn films, nor do they want to! Perhaps as you suggest you are
observing the results of readily available porn having become our greatest sex educator. It does appear steady porn
use during adolescence "hardwires" the brain for non-relational sex, which would explain what you are experiencing.
I don’t believe it’s exclusively men who use porn nor is it likely that the male gender contains the only mimics,
although men are believed to be greater consumers of porn than women.
Let’s also consider the question of who defines how sex ought to be. Your lovers are apparently playing out their
fantasies and wanting you to take part in a pre-determined role play. Your fantasy is for intensely connected
intimate sex without commitment. You each are working off different sexual scripts. Just as you might need to have
a conversation before going out for dinner to discover that your new friend is a vegetarian while you are salivating at
the prospect of a juicy steak, some discussion may be needed prior to ripping off the clothes in order to establish
and co-ordinate sexual preferences, otherwise disappointment is likely when you don’t know each other.
Communication is an important part of real life intimacy. I’m increasingly being asked for help to perform sexually
under the conditions you describe so it seems casual sex has become a desired yet challenging recreational activity.
It takes a well-established self-esteem and a sense of security and safety to peel back the layers and deeply
encounter the other. That’s a tall order in a casual liaison. I wonder how much we can really know of another in such
a brief time.
What is the hold porn has? Recent research found a strong connection between lack of erotic thoughts during
sexual activity and low sexual desire. If someone’s imagination cannot conjure up and hold arousing thoughts then I
guess they use someone else’s fantasy. As that isn’t what you want, make sure you say no.
Anyone concerned about porn use or wondering how to differentiate between porn vs healthy sex can download a
guide from www.sextherapy.co.nz
Download Article: The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography
Wendy Maltz & Larry Maltz 2008
Older, Wiser, Sexually Smarter
The Center for Family Life Education, Planned Parenthood of Greater Northern New Jersey
Reprinted with permission from The Guide to Getting it On.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
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FEMALE SEXUAL RESPONSES CHANGES AT MID & LATER LIFE
Excitement Responses in Females
 Increased blood flow causes clitoris to swell and become larger and harder
 Vagina lubricates (becomes wet) and expands
 Vagina becomes darker in colour
 Labia majora and labia minora (outer and inner lips) flatten and spread apart slightly
 Breasts increase in size and nipples become erect
 Some parts of the body, such as the chest, become red in some females (called "sex flush")
 Muscle tension increases
 Heart rate begins to increase
 Blood pressure begins to rise
Changes at Mid & Later Life
(Plus recommendations!)
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Sensitivity of clitoris may increase or decrease. Adjust intensity' of clitoral stimulation to pleasurable
level.
Vaginal lubrication takes longer. Use a nonpetroleum-based lubricant to offset thinning of vaginal
walls and to protect against dryness and irritation. Talk to a health care provider about estrogen
cream. Masturbation with a deep penetrating vibrator and lubrication may help maintain healthy
vaginal tissue and minimize shrinking of the vagina.
Breast and nipple sensitivity may change. Determine what feels good now for you and guide your
partner.
More time and stimulation is required for arousal and orgasm. Elasticity of the pelvic floor muscles
(integral to orgasm) diminishes. Squeezing and relaxing the pelvic muscles can promote strength
and elasticity.
Uterine contractions that are part of orgasm may become so intense that they are uncomfortable or
painful. See your health care provider for possible remedies.
Sources:
"Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross" website, www.dodsonandross.com.
Joannides, P. (2008). The Guide to Getting. It On. Walport, OR: Goofy Foot Press.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
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Handout, pg64
SEXUALITY IN MID & LATER LIFE - KEY FACTS FOR WOMEN
1. Most of the physiological changes in women's sexuality starting in middle age are the result of a decline
in female hormones, especially estrogen. During perimenopause (up to 10 years or more before
menopause), estrogen production gradually declines to about 90% of previous levels. At menopause
(which is complete one year after the cessation of menses), the ovaries stop producing estradiol, a form of
estrogen. Estrone estrogen, manufactured by and stored in the body's fat cells and other tissues,
continues to be present.
2. Symptoms associated with perimenopause can impede a woman's sexual desire and function. Irregular,
heavy, and prolonged periods, hot flashes, sleep disturbances, and mood swings can seriously affect
interest in sexual expression.
3. Decisions about hormone therapy should be made in collaboration with one's health care provider after a
careful, individual evaluation. Women have varying responses to hormonal intervention. If you are not
satisfied with your health provider's level of expertise or interest in mid life health concerns, consider
changing your provider or obtaining a second opinion.
4. As women grow older, the lining of the vagina thins and can become easily irritated. As estrogen levels
decline and blood flow to the vagina is reduced, the quality and amount of vaginal lubrication may diminish.
Using water-based lubricants can greatly improve comfort and pleasure. Vaginal secretions become less
acidic, increasing the possibility of vaginal infections. Preventive measures include wearing cotton-crotch
panties; wiping from front to back after bowel movements; and avoiding douches, unless medically
recommended.
5. There may be more or less erotic response to vulva, clitoris, breast, and nipple stimulation. Skin
sensitivity may interfere with lovemaking and sexual pleasure.
6. Freedom from the possibility of pregnancy, from the pressures of children, and from work. and household
responsibilities may lower inhibitions and increase desire. Juggling responsibilities such as children or
aging parents, jobs, household duties and volunteering can wipe out sex as a priority. Sex therapists
suggest inserting "pleasure time" (or "partner time," for women_ who have partners) into your busy
schedule — two extra minutes of touching your body in the shower, two minutes of breathing deeply and
massaging your temples, or other snippets of time that focus on your body and feeling good.
7. Number and frequency of orgasms may increase, decrease or stay the same. Some women have their
first orgasms later in life as they learn to understand their sexual response. Some women are able to have
orgasms well into their eighties.
8. Pelvic muscle exercises, also called Kegel or pelvic floor exercises, can help to firm up the vaginal canal,
control urine flow and enhance orgasm. Here's how: tighten and relax the muscles you use to stop
urination. Do at least five Kegels in a row several times a day.
Kegel Steps:
Step 1: Tighten a little and count five.,
Step 2: Tighten a little more and count five.
Step 3: Tighten as hard as possible and count five.
Step 4: Relax in reverse steps, counting five at each step.
9. Exercise has sexual benefits. Exercise keeps us moving and flexible, helps our bodies maintain
nutritional and hormonal balance, and affects moods. Improved pelvic muscle tone, enhances orgasm and
sexual ' response. Feeling fit, toned, and energetic brings confidence to lovemaking and means you can be
more spontaneous and adventuresome.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
10. Lack of medically accurate advice and guilt and shame learned while growing up can inhibit sexual
expression. Most of us carry both positive and negative attitudes shaped by parents, families, teachers,
faith communities, culture, experiences, society, and health providers.
Midlife is the time to reassess old messages and make new' positive sexual choices.
11. For some women at menopause, decreased testosterone (the "libido hormone" for both men and
women) may lead to diminished sexual desire. While a variety of medical interventions have been
suggested, at present the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has not approved a pharmaceutical approach
that addresses this issue. Many sex therapists recommend non-hormonal approaches. See for example,
Reclaiming Your Sexual Self: How You Can Bring Desire Back into Your Life, by Kathryn Hall.
12. Losses can cause lessened sexual desire -and response. Changes in physical attractiveness,
relationships, health, retirement, and deaths common in mid and later life, all require a reassessment of us
as sexual beings.
13. Each woman's sexual journey is personal. Focusing thoughts on what we appreciate about our bodies,
and using our feelings 'and knowledge to help determine healthy and rewarding behaviours can enhance
the journey.
14. Changes at midlife can be a great excuse to reignite sexual fires. Popular books and magazines articles
report that the following have made a difference for single and partnered women at midlife and beyond.
1. Talk about sex
2. Get playful
3. Dress Sexy
4. Change locations for sexual activity
5. Explore your fantasies
6. Learn your own pleasure points
7. Try new sexual positions.
8. Make Dates to make love
9. Touch & kiss more
10. Consider erotica (books, videos, sex toys)
Sources:
Association of Reproductive Health Professionals (2001). "Counseling Women on the Perimenopause," Health and Sexuality, 6(1):
1-13..
Barbach, L. (2000). The Pause: Positive Approaches to Menopause. New York: Penguin Putnam.
Brody, J. (2009). "A Libido Drug for Women?" New York.Times, March. 30, 2009.
Butler, R.N. & Lewis, M.I. (2002). The New Love and Sex after Sixty. New York: Ballantine.
Foley, S., Kope, S. & Sugrue, D. (2002). Sex Matters for Women. New York: Guilford Press.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
MAY 2011
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
May 1st 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury
How does one reconnect with a partner? Where do I start? I had an affair for a number of years, I don't have affairs
and this was the first and only one. I didn't get caught outright but managed to smooth things over so it was almost
like being back to normal. The only thing is during this time I changed: my attitude, feelings towards partner and
even the desire to touch or have sex have been affected. The small things too like comments about cheating on tv,
phone calls, rubbing my leg: its uncomfortable but i put up with it.
My partner is self-employed, so works from home as well as from a local building. It bugs me that i work 40 plus
hours a week and partner doesn't get out of bed until i have walked out the door or even later, especially during
school holidays. They don’t understand the need to actually be at work at a set time but can't work out why their
staff being late is a problem. I have to greet partner with a kiss on entry to house if I don't or forget I'm made to feel
apologetic about it. There is also a need to praise all deeds done during the day, ie roses cut or furniture has been
moved or tidied.
I love my partner but I'm not in love, children have or are moving on, now I'm the main source of contact and I think
this is a problem. if I relax and say twiddle my thumbs, i get are you stressed, no relaxing. getting growing
resentments. i have a book or two, have been to one counselling session (their advice leave) can a date night help or
is this just American and teens latest dream.
thoughts please
Dear TP
Of course you have changed from this experience and will be terribly unsettled. Your body will have become
conditioned to the touch and smells of another. Your heart and soul will have been in tune with your lover and all
will take some time, maybe a year or more, to get back in synch with this man you live with.
Few things induce in me such a violent adverse reaction as the statement “I love him/her but I’m not in love any
more”. Scrap the soap opera stuff and then you can begin to get on with the day to day work of standing in love. This
involves shifting your focus away from producing an extensive list of his irritating behaviours to looking at what it
says about you that you are getting so wound up about those now and intentionally bringing him your acceptance
and love. By all means go out on dates, arrange opportunities for fun together.
I suspect you are both suffering from the distancing brought about by your affair. Intense, forbidden involvement
with another can be exciting and distracting. Your needs were spread between at least two possible sources of
responsiveness, whereas now there is no fantasy world to distract you from the less desirable part of reality. Your
irritability and guilt mean you are still nowhere near as available and open as you will need to be to achieve
something satisfying.
For more thoughts on affairs and how to move on, see www.sextherapy.co.nz
Mrs Salisbury
See also: Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com) Home > Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
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May 1st -- Download Article:
THE AFTERMATH OF AN AFFAIR
Affairs are so common yet few people know how to deal with the aftermath if they’re caught out or selfishly choose
to confess to relieve their guilt. I’m often amazed at such optimistic suggestions as “there’s no point in going over it,
we just need to move on” and “you have to promise me you won’t ever see him/her again”. Sorry, but it’s not that
simple at all.
Perhaps you’ve had a really exciting time then got caught out. Perhaps the wonderful lust subsided enough for guilt
to come through which then troubled you so badly you felt a need to relieve it by confession, thereby burdening
your partner. Or maybe reality hit home when your lover had a bad day or two and got grumpy, just like your
husband or wife.
If you’ve strayed to play away from home then there are repercussions, no matter what. Some may suggest the best
possible outcome is that no-one ever gets to know, except that there still are repercussions. You have stored away
inside you some pretty exciting memories, maybe an intense connection with someone else.
If it was your choice to break this, then you’re one-up on your ex-lover who will have to deal with your rejection.
Both of you will also need to find a way to let go of the longing that can be generated by those special times,
otherwise that will get in the way of resurrecting the full potential of your live-in relationship.
If there are no exciting memories; why did you bother? If they do exist then chances are every time you go to make
love with your partner, there they’ll be, interfering with you re-establishing some sort of meaningful closeness.
While the odd sexual fantasy being used to titillate is fine for most people, there’s nothing so destructive to intimacy
as making love time and again to one person, with thoughts and images of another in your mind.
What do you do if that’s happening? Persist; this is not telling you your partner is not really the one for you. It is not
wise to use the state of your sex life as a barometer of relationship health. It’s telling you there’s a need to
regenerate the connection between the two of you by putting as much energy into it as you did your affair. Work on
your non-sexual closeness; spend time holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes and doing joint activities
whether they be cleaning the house together or going to a movie. Re-cultivate your valuing of this person and what
they mean to you.
Now what about the partner; the ‘done-to’ one? If your trust has been broken then you may well feel devastated
and there’s serious repair work to do. Often we can take trust for granted until it’s lost and then it’s sorely missed. If
life has treated you well until now then this may be your first breach of trust; a new and very unwelcome
experience.
If not then you already know about the gradual process of building up trust in someone, testing them repeatedly if
not intentionally. Allowing yourself to love this person will have felt like a big risk. Getting hurt will be something you
both feared and, at some level, expected. No less shocking for being familiar.
For some, this is the end of the relationship. There’s no going back, no second chances, it’s over but for the grieving
and division of property, kids and wedding photos. Others value so much the strengths of their partner or fear being
on their own that they’re willing to consider the possibility of a future together.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
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There’s no one sequence of events that then occurs. Sometimes tension presides and communication is limited to
household practicalities. Horror of horrors, the children may be used as intermediaries, caught up in adult messes in
nightmarish ways. Suppressed rage chills the house, sniping punctuates the few interchanges that occur.
Sometimes couples experience the hottest sex of their lives. There’s nothing like the threat of competition or loss to
help some harness their sexual drive. It’s not likely to last but it’s a pretty effective glue to get through the early
weeks. When that form of reassurance has worn off, couples may feel quite lost.
That’s when the hard work begins and often it’s at this stage that professional help is sought. One partner is
desperate to leave it all behind and get on with what they now really value; the other feels like they’re drowning in
rage, insecurity, envy or mistrust. Or maybe all of those are swirling around in the current.
No-one likes to endure a public flogging or be made to eat humble pie and in fact that is not what happens in sex
therapy. There’s simply a high level attention paid to the experiences of each in order to resurrect intimacy and
begin rebuilding trust. That takes a persistent, methodical addressing of the feelings and needs involved.
How long until you get back to normal? Deep trust may take as long as two years to rebuild. Far from meaning two
years of suffering though this process may mean you have the most intimate time of your lives and achieve a
relationship that is better than you’ve ever had before. Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex
Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Those seeking professional help with any sexual matter should contact
0800 739843 (0800 sextherapy) or www.sextherapy.co.nz
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
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May 8th 2011
My wife (40) and I (45) have been separated for about 5 months (though only a month actually physically in
separate houses). There is a lot of detail on why we are apart, but fundamentally some issues of trust which
we are working through. We’ve been seeing a counsellor to help us from a relationship perspective which
has been a mix of helpful and not so! We haven’t had any real physical contact (let alone sex) for 6 months
and now we’ve agreed that at least a few months apart is needed before deciding if we can be together again.
We’re not seeing other people during this separate time and I whilst I am hopeful we will decide to be
together again, I wonder how we will ever become intimate again? I’m working on the assumption that for
any fulfilling relationship some sense of physical intimacy is necessary. Obviously we’ve got some issues to
resolve before considering intimacy but should we consider some form of sex therapy to work out how to be
a ‘fulfilled couple’ again?
Transitioning back
Dear transitioning back
Some couples appear to cohabit happily enough without any physical contact but I would yearn for those
precious missing pieces and it sounds like you would too. Skin on skin, being enveloped by someone you
love, what could be better? Along with emotional connection, shared activities and spiritual connection,
sexual and non-sexual physical closeness are two further valuable dimensions of intimacy. Rebuilding each
of them after trust has been broken is a step by step process and I would certainly recommend expert help to
achieve it. Sex therapists are skilled relationship counsellors who have gone on to study in great depth all
aspects of the dances of intimacy and sexuality: who better to help the two of you make this transition?
What matters most of all at this point is to achieve a shared understanding of what has gone wrong. You
each will of course have your own view on this. Avoid pointing: rigorous self-examination is required here.
Anyone who separates having not acknowledged and worked on their own part in problems tends to repeat
the same patterns throughout their life until they wake up. Use your heart, eyes and ears to fully take on
board both the content and the emotion of what each other is saying. Aim to achieve each of you feeling
sure the other understands and accepts how they have experienced the problems and the good times.
Intimacy is fatally flawed by not knowing the other.
Once that understanding of each other is established only then can the rebuilding of trust and closeness
begin. Careful steps can be designed to help you each move a little closer, revealing yourself a little more
and allowing more vulnerability, with a therapist helping you to identify and overcome any hurdles that arise
along the way. There could be great learning for both of you in this process; I do hope you both decide to
give it another go.
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
May 8th 2011 Download Article;
Introduction to sex therapy
You have experienced some kind of concern or problem with sexuality or intimacy, wisely you contacted the
specialists in this field Sex Therapy NZ (STNZ) and now you have been referred to a sex therapist. They may already
have fixed an appointment with you or else you should hear from your therapist within 24-48 hours.
What will happen in the first session?
Sessions are generally for about 50 minutes. The therapist will be aiming to get a detailed picture of you or if this is a
couple’s session, of each of you, your relationship and the broader picture of your life. They will then work to
understand the exact nature of your concern(s) and how long they have existed. You don’t need to worry about
what language to use or exactly how to describe what is happening or not happening as the therapist will guide you.
All STNZ therapists are very matter of fact, down to earth people who are selected not just for their expertise but for
being easy to talk to.
How can I prepare for sex therapy?
You might be surprised to know that the most valuable thing you can do is to be ready to take a good look at
yourself. It’s natural for us to want to blame our partner but in any relationship situation we generally both play a
role and we can only change our own part in a problem. If you find it difficult to see beyond your partner’s or expartner’s faults, acknowledging that to the therapist would be useful.
How will sex therapy help us improve our situation?
You will gain a shared understanding of what the current concern is and what is likely to have caused it. In couples
situations each of you will see your part in contributing to that. You will learn some new skills to address the
concern. You will experience yourself improving intimacy between the two of you by the shared tackling of a
problem. You will be helped to move forwards.
How many sessions will we need?
Although all STNZ therapists are aware of the latest internationally researched techniques there is no one right
standardised treatment approach for any situation. All individuals and all couples are unique: the nature and history
of the problem, the health of the relationship and each person’s openness to making changes dictate the pace of
progress. Much sex therapy takes place within 6 sessions but sometimes couples will want to do deeper ongoing
treatment.
What DOESN’T happen?
No sexual behaviour takes place at any sessions and no-one takes off their clothes! STNZ therapists are bound by
their professional codes of ethics (psychologist, psychotherapist or counsellor) to make this a healthy, productive
experience for you and/or your relationship. Starting sex therapy may feel like a difficult step to take, but you will be
so pleased that you did once you experience the benefits.
Please remember: once you have made an appointment you will be charged if you don’t keep it or if you cancel
with less than 24 hours’ notice.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
May 15th 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury
There’s a bend in my banana and the cook is reporting that doing the deed is getting uncomfortable. She
says the curve has got curvier in the past year and I guess that is correct, I don’t spend a lot of time
examining it as long as it does the job, but now I’m wondering if it will continue to do that. What is
happening here and what does it mean for future nooky? Did I cause this through too much DIY? Is all this
just part of gravity and getting old?
Camberman
Dear Camberman
Few bananas are absolutely straight but 1 to 10% can develop a greater than normal curve usually in midlife or later but sometimes earlier. The name for your groovy trending is Peyronie’s Disease: a plaque or
scar tissue build-up often following painful inflammation, which reduces the elasticity and means as your
fruit gets turned on it can’t grow quite the way it used to.
Time for some experimenting around position to find a more comfortable one that still provides lots of
stimulation. The Joy of Sex has plenty of ideas. This is no porn: its full of drawings of people in modest
undies but beware the Viennese Oyster; a physiotherapists dream not covered by ACC. Find an angle of
entry that goes with the new flow and while you’re into change, a new term of endearment could be an
idea.
Cause has not been clearly established. It’s thought to be either a hardening of arteries or minor trauma, a
sudden bend or hit that could have occurred during vigorous intercourse or DIY. This is an accident, a
quality not quantity issue my friend and you won’t get hairs on the palms of your hands or be short-sighted
either just because you’ve been doing some solitary sampling of the banana.
When your tried and true friend changes direction you can feel let down or anxious about the future of the
nooky supply and what this says about your masculinity. Do visit your GP for assessment and some
information on treatment options. Be aware that as with anything sexual the internet will provide you with
a huge range of information, some of spurious quality often aimed at selling you products with no sound
evidence they will help. Dermnet NZ has sound information as does malecare.org. Sex therapy can offer a
lot to help the two of you adjust to the new normal.
Stay clear that this means some changes in your sex life, not the end of it. Successful lovers make many
adjustments throughout their lives. Even those based on necessity can actually enhance what you two can
have together. Open yourself to new experiences and new ways of revelling in each other’s bodies. Keep in
mind that curvy bananas are still deliciously edible.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
May 22nd 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury
Recent media references to the “extraordinary journey of upward social mobility” of Kate Middleton are getting
right up my nose. Why oh why do people have to be so concerned about class? Initially I just attributed this to British
snobbery but then realised that it was my own personal experiences here in NZ that were generating my reaction.
When we married in ’76 I was just finishing my hospital based nursing training and my husband was half way through
his training as a doctor. We were madly in love, worked our butts off, had great sex and lots of fun going out with
friends making similar pairings. I was so unprepared for what happened.
Like most girls meeting their man’s parents for the first time I was nervous. They seemed pleasant, highly educated
people who lived in a beautiful home and moved in circles I only read about in the paper. I thought I’d held my own
alright until I overheard a heated phone conversation the next night that was clearly about my unsuitability as a
partner. Our wedding was a strained affair; you’d think there was a line down the middle of the room or even a brick
wall. My mum tried to cross the line and was asked what chain store she found her dress at!
My husband would brush off my howls about these things, saying we didn’t need to let them worry us but over time
I have seen so many examples of how his advantaged background makes him different than me that it’s hard not to
feel inadequate. I feel like I’ve been playing catch-up and at 56 I’m not there yet. I had to learn everything from how
to speak correctly, lay the table properly, arrange flowers, where to shop and what schools to send the children to.
Don’t you think Kate has a hard time ahead of her?
Working class daughter of a solo mum
Dear working class girl
You’re absolutely right that the class system exists in NZ and that being in the upper class can certainly bestow
privileges and opens doors. We Kiwi’s are just less upfront about it than the Brits. Media pressure will ensure both
Kate and William do have a hard time. I suspect that fascination with Royals and celebrities reflects emptiness in
observers’ own lives.
It sounds like creating richness in your life has been challenged by the strains of being perceived as different and not
quite measuring up. I’d be very proud of a mum who had the confidence and courage to cross the line and model
friendliness for your in-laws. Proud too of your own nursing and mothering achievements. You know there’s more to
you than your pedigree. Take inventory of all of your strengths, notice what you do well and what you like about
yourself. Model for your children a different set of values that reflect what you know to be important about life.
Your husband’s brush-offs may reflect your approach. See what happens when he sees you quietly standing tall,
being all that you can be.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
May 29th 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury
We have been very happily married for over 20yrs, but the sex is boring, repetitive and predictable. This does not
seem a problem to my wife and when we have discussed the issue she seems ok with the current state of sexual
affairs. I have tried to spice it up by introducing some toys but she is not interested and is happy with the way things
are now. I also tried to take her along to a swingers group in Auckland but she would not go. She has promised in the
past to try a bit harder, but nothing changes as she will not try anything new. It's just more of the same old!
Any remaining passion in bed has all but faded, and it's just a bloody chore sometimes and i might as well give
up. This is not just some mid-life crisis issue where I want an excuse to seek a young mistress, etc as I love her very
much it's just that she is so conservative in bed. I feel trapped right now because a boring sex life is not what I
envisaged for our marriage, but fair enough after 20 yrs of the same person I can understand that it can
get repetitive! But I am starting to feel a little bitter about it. I do not want to leave her but what do I do? I can
understand why some people go elsewhere and start a new relationship, but that's not me.
Thanks for any advice.
Bored....!
Dear Bored
Pressure kills sexual willingness and yet you cannot not talk about this feeling of longing you have for a new charge
of energy. It does pose a delicate balance though which if not handled well could spell the end of your happy
marriage as you progressively escalate your agitation and resentment. You don’t want her to stage a performance
just to keep you happy yet promises to try harder go the way of all effort at doing more of the same. To my
awareness personality transplants have not been proven successful. The need is for you both to collaboratively try
something just a little different with clear guidelines to support the discoveries.
Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy moves way beyond the concept of creepy blokes flashing in long raincoats to
invite us to discover our erotic personas and learn to express them. I wonder if reading that together with a lighthearted spirit of curiosity might effectively generate a shared willingness to venture into greater vulnerability,
moving gently away from the current playing it safe by sticking to tried and true. See www.sextherapy.co.nz this
week for thought-provoking questionnaires from Taking Sexy Back by Jean Campbell or try Nancy Friday’s My Secret
Garden and other books can spark playful sharing of fantasies.
Consider too the possibility of scrutinising other aspects of your own life to see if some of your boredom arises
elsewhere, begging to be addressed. In your sex life aim for little steps my friend and do remember to make space
for appreciation for what you have now. Its more than many have, sadly. Deepening the connection between you
through the shared risk-taking I’ve described rather than adding in toys and other partners is more likely to succeed.
Mrs Salisbury
May 29th Download Article: TAKING SEXY BACK The Cure for the Sexual Blahs , Jean A Campbell, 2009
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
JUNE 2011
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
June 5th 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury
I have used a vibrator since my late teens (largely to masturbate), having bought my first one at a "Naughty
knicker/toy party".
I continued to use it during my 20 year marriage as sex was very mundane. My ex husband had a real issue with me
using it when he wasn't around however. Since separating several years ago, I have found that I still need to use it to
reach orgasm even though the partners I have had, are very skilled in oral sex. My question is, has prolonged use of
vibrators meant that I won't be able to reach orgasm without one? I am 48 now and would really like to achieve
orgasm through natural means. I do struggle to relax completely during sex and have a few body hang ups, so this
may contribute to my problem.
Hopeful, Auckland
Dear Hopeful
Vibrators are a fantastically powerful source of stimulation which of course appeal for their rapid pleasure and relief.
We do create well worn tracks to orgasm through repeated practice. For those starting out I recommend
deliberately developing at least two alternative successful routes by not using either of them more than twice in a
row. This way we avoid falling into limiting ruts.
Fortunately however I don’t think it’s too late for you to change this with your amazing human body but it will take
some persistence and a bit of frustration along the way. Put away your vibrator for a time: at least a month, perhaps
longer. With the sex you are having now, including self-pleasuring, keep the focus on enjoying all sensations rather
than the end goal of orgasm. Make this a part of learning to accept your body for how she is. Claim the joy of
bringing your whole body alive by mapping top to toe all the wonderful erogenous zones currently hiding away from
neglect. Explore necks, ears, backs of the knees and every one of your tiny toes. As you learn to love your body it will
respond by giving you pleasure. Breathe deeply letting tension out with the outward breath then allow your
breathing to get more rapid as you get aroused. Accept there will be no orgasm for a while, then after a couple of
weeks of this start intensifying the clitoral stimulation in a range of ways including the oral sex you are enjoying.
Expect it to be a few weeks more before you begin to experience orgasms in this way.
Your ex-husband is not alone in feeling threatened by a vibrator; understandably I hear of this quite often when the
plastic tool is preferred over the flesh. When redundancy threatens some couples respond effectively by having the
partner use the vibrator on the woman. This takes close observation and clear feedback to accurately gauge the
desired pressure and position from moment to moment but achieves keeping orgasm as a shared experience.
Mrs Salisbury
Download Articles x 2: Masturbation for Men and Masturbation for Women.
A Woman’s Touch, Sexuality Resource Center - www.AWomansTouchOnline.com
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
June 12th 2011
Dear Mrs Salisbury,
My relationship of six years has no future. He has few of the qualities I desire in a life partner, and we have different
interests, values and aims in life. The power balance in the relationship is uneven, so I feel that I wouldn't be good
for him long-term either.
However, we still love each other. We enjoy spending time together, we have tender feelings for each other and,
although circumstances mean we don't often have sex, we still desire each other. For this reason it would be very
painful to end it now, but I know we have to end it sometime. How will we know when it's time? I don't want us to
end up hating each other, and if possible I'd like to stay friends with him.
Lonely in Love
Dear Lonely in Love
I am curious about what you expect of a relationship. Might you be seeking a fantasy that only exists in soap operas?
You love this man, you desire him, you enjoy his company and you have and receive tender feelings with him. Some
readers will be lime green with envy for what you have, whereas your focus is squarely on what you don’t have. Is
that just related to the man in your life, or do you tend to be a glass half empty person?
Power is an important dimension in all relationships: I wonder what your concern is about this? Be sure to affirm and
celebrate your own strength and be comfortable with your power; that is a positive attribute. You do have the
responsibility to learn to use it appropriately by making space for another’s power, in whatever ways it is expressed.
I’d discourage you from assuming you know what is best for this man. It may suit him very well to live with a
powerful woman or he may be on the verge of deciding that it is time to stretch himself out of his comfort zone and
learn to claim more of his own power.
A committed intimate relationship is the greatest source of personal growth opportunities around. There’s nothing
like living in close proximity with someone quite different to yourself to stir you up. Any irritation or disappointment
you experience can be seen as an invitation for self-examination rather than assuming that your way, your values
and your goals are superior.
If you have fully considered these challenges and still want to leave then communicate your wish for someone
different gently but clearly, focusing on your own dissatisfaction and wishes. Be clear that although there will be pain
for both of you, you will be a long way ahead in coming to terms with this. Your ex may need a year or more before
he can consider maintaining a healthy friendship that doesn’t revolve around hanging in, hoping to get you back.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
June 19th
Dear Mrs Salisbury
At 55 I have been married for 15 years to a lovely NZ man, smart, funny, kind, generous, attractive, fit and active.
Unfortunately, by his wishes, we are celibate. As soon as we started living together as a married couple, my husband
was no longer interested in being sexual. We discussed it and he told me that he had every right to say no, and that I
should respect that just as he would respect me if I said no.
In the early years we did have sex perhaps once a month. It has now been almost 2 years since we had sex or even
really mentioned it. I have tried various things: I asked him if things were OK; I asked him if he wanted someone
else; something else; was interested in men, whatever. I just wanted to know. I told him I would let him go, no ties.
He said he loves me and wants me to stay in the relationship; that he has nobody else; doesn’t want anybody else;
and understands that it is his fault. He has said that if I get a lover, it will be the end of our relationship.
Over the years I have gotten angry, and sad; yelled, and cried; and threatened to leave him, but to be honest, I am
quite fond of him as a person. Living alone would not improve my life, I don’t imagine. I don’t suppose I would ever
find love again – I am now old and ugly in addition to about 15 kgs too heavy and as grouchy as I ever was. Then
there is the financial disconnect – we would both be uncomfortably off if we had to sell up, whereas now we are
stable.
My husband’s family seem rather cold. His mother who now lives with us openly talks about sex as distasteful and a
chore. Also, he is quite active in sports, and I sometimes wonder if he uses all his energy in training, almost as if it is a
replacement for physical closeness.
Do you think his vasectomy could have instigated my husband’s loss of libido?
We would really appreciate any suggestions you might have for how to deal with this matter.
Thank you...
Also Alone
Dear also alone
I too would be fat and grumpy in your situation! Unilaterally imposed celibacy is not acceptable. Everyone does
indeed have the right to say no to sex and along with that right we all have the responsibility to consider and address
the consequences of our behaviour for others and modify accordingly. The essence of living in relationship is keeping
consideration of self and other in balance for every decision made.
Parental modelling and messages about sex can be powerfully influential in shaping one’s sexual self. They’re more
likely to be playing a causal role here than a vasectomy. It’s quite common to expend so much energy at work or in
sports that there is none left for sex; identifying what drives that choice remains important. Libido loss is a
deprivation for you both. This situation requires attending skilled sex therapy together.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
June 24th
Mrs. Salisbury,
I'm worried because I'm only in my very early twenties and in my first long- term relationship (about 18 months, with
two previous relationships of nine months and five months before that) and for most of that time (from about eight
months onwards into the relationship) sex has been an issue- I'm just not as interested in having it as my partner.
Before this relationship and in its early stages I considered myself a very sexual person but now I just have no
interest in sex- it seems like a chore and if I'm tired or stressed sex just doesn't seem worth the effort. I love my
boyfriend very much and would hate to break up over this, not to mention the fact that at such a young age I feel
like a bit of a freak having such a low sex drive. The issue is only getting worse and we've currently gone for almost a
month now without having sex, which is the longest stretch of time yet. I have no idea what to do or how to make
myself feel more sexually active in this relationship, please help me.
Worried.
Dear worried
Libido is a somewhat fickle beast, highly reactive to whatever is happening around it, for you, for your partner and
between the two of you. This creates many opportunities for the beast to be delightfully fed and energised but
there’s an equal chance it will be undermined or even completely deflated, so know for sure your situation is
common.
Loss of sexual desire can mean that somewhere along the way sex ceased to be desirable. Consider the sex you’ve
been having. Has it been more like a porn movie or more like a love story? Were you having fun? What do you want
it to be like?
Give some thought to what your conditions are for having sex now. Does it matter to you if either of you are clean or
not, tired or not, if there is the possibility of distraction? Do you like and accept your body and are you looking after
her? Have you been on any medications in the time your libido has dropped? How is your health?
Falling in love is an exciting lustful time based on hopes and fantasies of each other. Standing in love has to follow for
this to be a successful long term relationship. It involves years of getting to know each other, learning to dance
intimately together. Chances are your month of no sex has involved guilt, pressure, frustration and worry all of which
are poison for libido. Follow the guidelines on www.sextherapy.co.nz to establish non sexual closeness and take
away unwanted sexual advances, then and only then are you free to work at reclaiming your sexual energy and joy
for yourself first, then sharing it with this man you love in ways that feel right for you.
Mrs Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz
June 24th Download Article:
Non-Sexual Touching “Is there such a thing??”
When the idea of non-sexual touching is raised, some people express surprise or confusion. Others are very relieved.
Some feel sure that there is a clear boundary between those two forms of closeness, but their partners are not so
sure. This is a topic of great importance to all couples. It’s so important to create a clear boundary between sexual
behaviour and non-sexual ways of showing to each other that you care about them and like to be close to them.
When we feel loved for our self we are more likely to be willing to enjoy sex together. If every approach has within it
the hope of sex, someone is likely to get annoyed about that!
How do we separate out sexual and non-sexual touching?
 Clarify the boundaries. For most people non-sexual means no breast, buttocks or genital touching. Some
people add inner thighs or other areas or types of touching to this list- eg they want ‘still hands’ instead of
‘moving hands’.
 Be aware of the extras: there’s no point in giving a luscious big non-sexual hug while making jokes or hints
about sex.
 Know for sure that non-sexual touching has a value of its own. This is a physical way of getting to feel loved
and valued because of who you are.
How do we touch non-sexually?
 First, make sure that you want to. A hug or touch that doesn’t have your heart in it can feel as bad to receive
as it is to give it.
 Allow your caring for your partner to be expressed through your hands and any other (non-sexual) part of
your body that is in contact with them.
 There are no ‘right’ places to touch. Each individual experiences touch differently in different parts of their
body. Take turns experimenting, making sure that the person receiving gives feedback. Start at the head: try
stroking hair, running your fingers through your partner hair, massaging their scalp, very gently stroking their
face with your fingertips, try stroking their earlobes with the back of your finger etc! Work your way down
the whole body, avoiding breasts, buttocks and genitals and any other area requested by your partner.
 There are no ‘right’ ways to touch either. A non-sexual touch might be a kiss on the cheek or tummy, light
feathery stroking with the fingertips, gentle holding, a great big bear hug or many other variations.
When do we do this?
 There are a hundred opportunities every day to let each other know they matter.
 Start the day with a cuddle for a minute or three before you get up.
 A warm touch as you pass each other can be a great way to show love.
 When you part for the day, kiss like you mean it.
Robyn Salisbury
STNZ, PO Box 340-051, Northcote, Auckland
0800 sex therapy (0800 73 9843)
admin@sextherapy.co.nz
www.sextherapy.co.nz