Chapter 6
Love and Mate
Selection
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Chapter Preview
Preview
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Topics







Preview
What is love?
Types of love
Components of love
How does love change over time?
How do we choose our mate?
Living together
Engagement and marriage
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Chapter Questions
Preview

What do people really mean when
they use the word ‘love’?

Why is romantic love so
wonderful?

What does eroticism have to do
with love?
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Chapter Questions
 How
can adult love be
dependent?
 What
does love have to do with
being friends?
 What
Preview
does altruism look like?
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Chapter Questions
 So
which kind of love makes
marriage successful?
 What
does how well our needs
were met as babies have to do
with our adult relationships?
Preview
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Chapter Questions
 How
do people’s attitudes
about love change as they get
older?
 How
do we find the person we
want to marry?
Preview
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Chapter Questions
 How
might the way I was raised
affect who I choose to marry?
 What
personal qualities are
important for a happy
marriage?
Preview
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Chapter Questions
Preview

How common is it for people to live
together without being married?

What happens between wanting to
be married and getting married?

What formalities mark the transition
to being officially married?
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Guided Learning Process
1st:
 2nd:
 3rd:
 4th:
 5th:
 6th:
 7th:

Preview
Question
Study
Mark
Question again
Recite
Check
Restudy if necessary
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Text Assignment
Preview
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What do people really
mean when they use the
word ‘love’?
A 1-2-3-4
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How has dating changed in
America?
A

How did single people get together before
the existence of dating?

How did courtship turn into dating?

What was dating like on early college
campuses?
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Why is romantic love so
wonderful?
How important is romance
in a marriage?
B–B1
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What does eroticism
have to do with love?
 Isn’t
love just another word for
sex?
 What
does sex have to do with
love?
C 1-2
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How can adult love
be dependent?
What do we need from love?
D – D1
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What does love have to do
with being friends?
Do we have to like someone we love?
E - E1
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What does altruism look like?
How is Fromm’s view of love
different from others?
F – F1
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So which kind of love makes
marriage successful?
What have researchers found
out about the different kinds of
love?
G – G1
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What does how well our
needs were met as
babies have to do with
our adult relationships?
H
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How do people’s attitudes
about love change as they
get older?
I
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How do we find the person
we want to marry?

How does our childhood unconsciously
influence what we want in a mate?

Do we look for a mate who can give us
what we need?
J 1-2
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How do we find the person
we want to marry?

Do we choose a mate because we each
have something the other one wants?

How do we narrow our options down to the
person we will marry?
J 3-4
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How might the way I was raised
affect who I choose to marry?
K 1-2

How can marriage be affected when
people of different socioeconomic classes
marry?

Do people have to marry someone with
the same education and intelligence level
to be happy?
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How might the way I was raised
affect who I choose to marry?

How well do interracial and interethnic
marriages work?

Can marriages between people who have
different religions work?
K 3-4
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What personal qualities are
important for a happy marriage?
 What
personal traits does research
show are likely to make marriage
happier?
 What
about age difference?
 What
do we need to agree about to
be happily married?
L 1-2-3
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What personal qualities are
important for a happy marriage?
 How
do our ideas about men and
women and our personal habits affect
whether we will be happy when we’re
married?
L4
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How common is it for people to live
together without being married?
 Why
do people choose to live
together without being married?
 Does
living together first increase the
chances of having a successful
marriage?
M 1-2
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What happens between wanting to
be married and getting married?

How can we know if we’re ready to be
married?

What do couples need to do to be legally
married?

What preparation is important for a
successful marriage?
N 1-2-3
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What formalities mark the transition
to being officially married?
 Why
does there need to be an
engagement period?
 Why
is the wedding itself so
important?
O 1-2
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Special Sections
Preview SS
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Personal Perspective:
The Big Wedding
What are the pros and cons of
having a big wedding?
Preview PP
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Cultural Perspectives:
Chinese Wedding Ceremonies
How do Chinese rituals reflect
their culture and values?
Preview CP
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At Issue Today:
The Lavish Wedding
Why are weddings becoming so
extravagant and expensive?
Preview AI
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A Question of Policy:
Marriage Incentives
How are lawmakers seeking to
decrease welfare costs?
Preview QP
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Preview SS END
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Love
 We
define love according to our own
experiences
 Love
A
= very large concept with many
dimensions
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A End
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Elements of Romantic
Love







B
Passionate affection
Strong emotion and feeling
Desire to be together
Sexual attraction
Idealization and adoration
Altruism and unselfishness
Feelings of self-confidence
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Romantic Love and Marriage
B1

Romance brings us into possibly serious
relationships

Conscious love = romantic feelings
towards someone whose real nature we
know

Romance can blind us to real nature
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B End
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How are love and sex
connected?
C 1-2

Strong emotions cause physical arousal –
hormones

Love and sex can be experienced
separately – Reik

Casual sex different for men and women

Sex can be an expression of love
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C End
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The “Need” for Love
love — someone’s
needs are fulfilled by another
 Dependent
 Why

D
children ‘love’ their parents
Because their parents meet their needs
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Maslow’s theory of love as need
 Everyone
has a basic psychological
need for love
 Love
D1
is defined as ‘meeting needs’
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D End
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Friendship Love
E

Similar to companionate love

Friends truly like one another and enjoy
each other’s company

Mature love includes liking
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Friendship Love
 Compared
to romantic love:
 More:
 relaxed
 secure
 Less:
 tense and anxious
 possessive
 emotional
E1
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E End
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Altruistic Love
F1

Unselfish active concern for other

Fromm:

Domination is opposite of love
Care
Responsibility
Respect
Knowledge
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F End
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Love in Successful Marriage
G1

Realistic romantic love

Erotic love – builds and strengthens bond

Mutually dependent with give and take

Friendship and companionship

Altruistic genuine concern and care
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Sternberg’s
Components of Love
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
G1
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Sternberg’s Eight
Combinations of Love
 No
Love
 Liking
- I only
 Infatuation
 Empty
G1
- P only
love - C only
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Sternberg’s Eight
Combinations of Love
 Romantic
love = I + P
 Companionate
 Fatuous
love = P + C
 Consummate
G1
love = I + C
love = I + P + C
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G End
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Love and Attachment

Early relationships with parents affect:
 Sense of self-worth
 Expectations of relationships
 Patterns of relationships
H
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Styles of Attachment
H

Secure – parents met needs promptly
and with sensitivity

Anxious or ambivalent – parents not
dependable in meeting needs

Avoidant – parents did not meet needs
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Relationships and Attachment
H

Lasting relationships — secure

Fall in love often — anxious/ambivalent

Doubtful of romantic love — avoidant
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Adolescents and Attachment
 Secure
attachment associated with:
 stronger friendship groups
 closer and longer dating friendships
 less stressed and lonely
 happier with academics
H
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Sex in College and Attachment
H

Anxious/ambivalent – had sex to
reduce feelings of insecurity

Avoidant – had sex to impress their
friends
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H End
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Changes in Love Over Time
I

Young singles -- more playful
obsessive
possessive

Older married – more practical

Men and women had similar attitudes
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Happily Married People value:
 Eroticism
and sexual intimacy
 Altruism – self-giving love
 Friendship
 Exclusive commitment
 Support for partner

I
Passionate valuing of partner/relationship
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I End
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Theories of Mate Selection
 Psychodynamic


Parent image theory
Ideal mate theory
 Needs
Theories
 Exchange
J 1-2-3
Theories
Theories
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Theories of Mate Selection
 Developmental





J4
Process Theories
Filtering
Propinquity
Attraction
Homogamy/heterogamy
Endogamy/exogamy
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J End
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Family Background Factors
in Mate Selection
Socioeconomic Class
> more satisfied if marry at same level
> women more unlikely to marry down
K1
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Family Background Factors
in Mate Selection
Education and Intelligence
> more stable if partners at similar levels
> divorce more likely if woman has more
education
K2
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How well do interethnic
marriages work?
Interethnic Marriages
> becoming more common
> 3.6% of couples
> not yet fully accepted
K3
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How well do interfaith
marriages work?
Interfaith Marriages
> less likely if conservative or orthodox
> becoming more common
> more common among highly educated
K4
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K End
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Personal Characteristics
 Individual
 Age
traits/behavior
differentials
 Similarity
of attitudes & values
 Compatible
 Personal
L 1-2-3-4
roles
habits
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L End
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Nonmarital Cohabitation
 Very
common today
 Statistics
 Can
be advanced form of dating
 Doesn’t
M1
require marriage intention
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Nonmarital Cohabitation
 Patterns





M2
of Relationships
Utilitarian
Involved & committed
Trial marriage
Marriage prelude
Marriage alternative
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Nonmarital Cohabitation
together  marriage ? NO
 Because:
 Living


Lower commitment level
Different characteristics
 Divorce
rate higher unless already
committed to getting married
M3
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M End
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How can we know if we’re
ready to be married?
 Both
people feel ready to be married
 Career preparation finished
 Emotionally mature
 Marrying for the right reasons
 Want to be sexually faithful
 Can transfer affection from parents
N1
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Marriage and the Law
 States
have different requirements
 Those
with following cannot marry:




N2
Consanguinity
Affinity
Mental deficiency
Insanity
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Marriage and the Law
 Requirements





N2
for legal marriage:
Age of 18 or parents’ consent
Capable of fulfilling marriage requirements
Full consent
Legally sane
Permit, sometimes requires waiting period or
tests
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Preparation for Marriage
N3

Parents may be good models

Premarital relationship assessments can
reveal areas of difficulty

PREPARE/ENRICH AND FOCCUS
programs have good predictive validity
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N End
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Rites of Passage

Rites of passage — ceremonies or
rituals marking the passage from
one social status to another

Engagement


O 1-2
Intermediate stage between courtship and
marriage
The wedding is a religious and civil rite
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O End
© 2005 The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.