Monologues: Women #1 (ALICE, from Alice in Wonderland) Should I or shouldn’t I? You know what they say: “If you don’t explore, you’ll never discover.” But my sister Mathilda always says, “Look before you leap.” Well, I’m looking and it looks pretty deep and dark and I can’t see the bottom and maybe it goes all the way to the center of the earth and I’ll be burnt to a crisp in the molten core like the bad marshmallow we’ve all heard so much about! (Pause) Or not. (Pause) Ok, I looked. Now it’s time to leap! (Holding a small bottle with the label “Drink Me.” Talking to herself) Remember, Alice: Look before you leap. I really don't know what's in this bottle, but it looks so pretty. But it could be poison, or mayonnaise, or floor polish, or a frothy combination of all three! But I have to find the White Rabbit. Oh well, if you don't explore, you'll never discover. Bottom's up! Women #2 (LADY BRACKNELL, from The Importance of Being Earnest) Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life. I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes. Well, Algernon, of course if you are obliged to be beside the bedside of Mr. Bunbury, I have nothing more to say. But I would be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when everyone has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much. Women #3 (MRS. PRINGLE, from Fourteen) I shall go mad! I'll never entertain again--never--never--people ought to know whether they're coming or not--but they accept and regret and regret and accept--they drive me wild. This is my last dinner party-my very last--a fiasco--an utter fiasco! A haphazard crowd--hurried together--when I had planned everything so beautifully -- I'm through - -Through with men like Oliver Farnsworth! I don't care how rich they are! How influential they are--how important they are! They're nothing without courtesy and consideration--business--off on train--nonsense--didn't want to come--didn't want to meet a sweet, pretty girl--didn't want to marry her-well, he's not good enough for you!--don't you marry him! Don't you dare marry him! I won't let you marry him! Do you hear? If you tried to elope or anything like that, I'd break it off -- yes, I would -- Oliver Farnsworth will never get recognition from me!--He is beneath my notice! I hate Oliver Farnsworth! Men #1 (CATERPILLAR, from Alice in Wonderland) (Talking to Alice) Oh, don't let those dried out little annuals get you down, kid. Sweetiepie, lambchop, honeydew – they're just gonna wind up sitting around in somebody's imitation cut glass vase for three days 'til they wither and die, then it's "thanks a lot" and out with the garbage! But enough about them. Whooooo, pray tell, are youuuuuuu? Who am I? Why, I am whoever you want me to be, if I, in fact, am indeed whoever I say I am or someday hope to be. You dig? (snapping his/her fingers) I'm the Caterpillar, kiddo, your wonder of wonders, your miracle of miracles, your happy, happy day! And Alice, I’m going to share two magical, hyphenated little words with you that are guaranteed to make even your very worst day simply absolutely fabulous! Ready? Repeat after me. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah……..Zip-a-dee-ay! Men #2 (MERCHANT, from Aladdin ) Ah, Salaam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please, come closer – Too close, a little too close. There. Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment…and the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan, on sale today, come on down! Heh, heh. Look at this! Yes! Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes Julienne fries. Will not break! (taps it on table) Will not! (it falls apart) It broke! Ooohhh! Wait, don’t go! I can see that you’re only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think then, you would be most rewarded to consider…this. (pulls the magic lamp out from his sleeve) Do not be fooled by its common place appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man’s life. A young man who, like this lamp, was more than what he seemed. A diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose… Men #3 (LEONARD, from The Man Who Married a Dumb Wife) My wife is dumb. Quite dumb. I admit, I noticed it before we were married. I couldn't help noticing it, of course, but it didn't seem to make so much difference to me then as it does now. I considered her beauty, and her property, and thought of nothing but the advantages of the match and the happiness I should have with her. But now these matters seem less important, and I do wish she could talk; that would be a real intellectual pleasure for me. When I hold my wife in my arms--a woman as beautiful as the finest carved statue, at least so I think--and quite as silent, that I'm sure of--it makes me feel weird and uncanny; I even ask myself if I'm holding a graven image or a mechanical toy, or a magic doll made by a sorcerer, not a real human child of our Father in Heaven; sometimes, in the morning, I am tempted to jump out of bed to escape from bewitchment. Worse yet! What with having a dumb wife, I'm going dumb myself.