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Happiness is...
• Meaning Beyond Oneself
• Hope of Success
• Social Connection
• Satisfying Work
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Have you ever wondered?
How do you take care of it when a girl is annoying you but you
don’t want to be mean?
What if your best friend is being really mean to you and he
won’t admit it?
What if you have a friend who is making you choose between
her and another friend?
What is the point of telling someone you’re mad at them?
They’ll just make more fun of you or get even madder.
I’ve been trying to ignore this kid forever but he won’t stop
bothering me. I want to tell an adult but I don’t want them to
freak out.
Drama Vs. Bullying:
• Bullying: when one person repeatedly abuses or
threatens to abuse their power against another
person
• Drama: Exciting, unexpected, emotional series of
events. A conflict where both people are involved
and can be serious or hurtful.
Listening!
•
Be prepared to be changed by what you hear
•
Affirm feelings:
•
Don’t voice opinion about truth of story or ask barrage
of questions
•
Ask if he’s venting or wants advice
•
Don’t use her slang
•
Share your own experiences
•
Don’t do something, just stand there
•
If you don’t know, admit it
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Good Teasing
•Feel liked
•Don’t feel put down
•Will stop if asked
Ignorant Teasing
• Doesn't know how you
feel
- Or • “I was just joking.”
“Relax!”
Malicious
Teasing
• Teased for insecurities
• “Uptight” or
threatened with
ending the friendship
• Relentless and public
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Snitching
Telling to get
someone in trouble.
The goal is to make the
problem bigger and
more public.
Reporting
vs.
Telling because the
problem is too big
to solve on your
own.
The goal is to right
a wrong.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
SEAL
•
STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where,
now or later?
•
EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and
what you want
•
AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge
•
LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Stop: Hanging out after school
Explain: When we hang out, you boss me around and put down my ideas.
It makes me not want to be with you.
What? Name one time! That’s totally not true!
Affirm: Like when I want to do something you don’t want to do you make
fun of it. And you don’t have to agree with me but that’s what I feel and
you can’t disagree with that.
Well how am I supposed to know any of this? You always say, “Whatever I
don’t care.”
Affirm: You’re right but I’m working on it. I’m trying right now.
Why are you making such a big deal out of this? You’re being so weird!
Lock: Because real friends tell each other what they’re thinking.
Stop: Claire thinks about where to confront Gabby. She knows they both
usually get to school a little early.
Explain: Gabby, we used to sit together all the time. But when the other girls
are there, you say inside jokes and you roll your eyes whenever I say anything.
If I eat with you I don’t want you to make me feel like you don’t want be
there.
Pushback: You’re the one who’s sitting with us! It’s not like anyone’s forcing you!
Affirm/Acknowledge: “I realize I haven’t been giving you enough space and
we don’t have to be friends like we used to. But you can’t keep me guessing
about how you’re going to treat me every day.
Pushback: Fine! I’m sorry!
Lock (vacation): I don’t want you to apologize if you don’t mean it. So I’m
not going to sit with you for awhile.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Fake Apologizer: Didn’t realize you were so sensitive!
You: (Explain) The way you just apologized doesn’t seem like
you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me.
Fake Apologizer: No dude, I totally mean it (tone is sarcastic).
You: (Affirm) Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.
I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Child as a bystander
“I’m sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me because
I know it can be hard to come forward about things like this
and I really respect the fact that you did. Now let’s think
about what we can do about it.”
USE SEAL TO FRAME STRATEGY
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Snitching
Telling to get
someone in
trouble.
The goal is to make
the problem bigger
and more public.
Reporting
vs.
Telling because
the problem is
too big to solve
on your own.
The goal is to
right a wrong.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Our Goal
•
Become aware of behavior
•
Self-reflect of behavior on others
•
Honor the impact
•
Make amends - personal and maybe public
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Child’s Goal:
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
What if your child is the bully?
• This is one moment not a lifetime.
• Don’t make excuses. Tell them you will talk to your child and
get back to them.
• With paper, and no siblings around, “X was reported to me.
Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate? If the person was
sitting right here, what would they say-- even if you think it
was wrong. ”
• Define your expectations which include “If the life of the
target gets more difficult as a result of this conversation, you
will force me to take much more serious action.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Video Games Rules
Rule: Because I lose track of time when playing, I realize I’m unable to
accurately gauge how long I’ve played. Therefore, I won’t respond to a
parent when they tell me time’s up with,
Pushback: What!? But I’ve only been on for a few minutes! I’m about to get to the
next level! Let me just throw myself off this cliff! It’ll only take one minute! I promise!
Rule: I’ll pause the game within one minute after being told my time is up.
If I don’t comply, I understand that my parent will turn off the screen so
that any unsaved progress I lose will be because of my actions, not
because my mom turned off the screen.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Rule: When I play any game with other people, the family values apply.
Therefore, I can’t use homophobic, racist, and sexist terms when
communicating with other players. If other players do, I will immediately tell
them to stop, leave the game, complain to the server or find another group.
Rule: I won’t buy videos or apps without my parents’ explicit permission. If I
violate this rule, I understand that I’ll be forbidden to play for the next week
without exception and the amount of the charge will be deducted from my
savings account or allowance.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Playing Time
Rule: I’m not allowed to play during the school week unless I’m waiting for
something. During weekends: I may play up to 90 minutes per day.
Rule: The weekend is hereby defined as Friday (after school) through Sunday
night. If by Saturday night homework/studying/projects for the upcoming week
has not progressed satisfactorily, all gaming rights for Sunday will be put on
hold.
Rule: On weekend mornings, I’ll take care of my responsibilities before playing.
I’ll brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, put on some form of clothes, eat, and
make sure all pets are given the same care. Violation of these rules will result
in automatic suspension of play until the next day.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Want to Reach Me?
Email: rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com
Web: rosalindwiseman.com
Facebook: Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and join my Page
Twitter: rosalindwiseman
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com