QuickTime™ and a
decompressor
are needed to see this picture.
Happiness
• Satisfying work (curiosity)
• Hope of being successful
• Social connection
• Meaning beyond oneself
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Drama Vs. Bullying
• Bullying is using power or strength to make
someone feel worthless. Usually defined as being
one way and repeated.
• Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional series
of events. Always defined as a conflict where both
people are actively involved and not serious or
hurtful.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
No offense, but those words don’t mean the
same thing as in your generation. I don’t
mean anything by it.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Listening!
• Be prepared to be changed by what you hear.
• Affirm feelings; don’t voice your opinion about the truth of
the story or ask a barrage of questions.
• Ask if he’s venting or wants advice.
• Don’t use her slang.
• Share your own experiences without telling him how you
would have done it.
• Don’t just do something, stand there.
• If you don’t know, admit it.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Good Teasing
•Feel liked
•Don’t feel put down
•Will stop if asked
Ignorant Teasing
• Doesn't know how you
feel
- Or • “I was just joking.”
“Relax!”
Malicious
Teasing
• Teased for insecurities
• “Uptight” or
threatened with
ending the friendship
• Relentless and public
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
SEAL
• STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and
where, now or later?
• EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t
like and what you want.
• AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge.
• LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or
lock it out.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Stop: Claire thinks about where to confront Gabby. She knows they both
usually get to school a little early on Tuesdays.
Explain: “Gabby, we’ve been friends forever. But when we sit with the other
girls at lunch you say inside jokes and when I ask you to explain it to me
you say, “Never Mind. You wouldn’t get it.”
But it’s stupid stuff. I didn’t think you cared!
Affirm/Acknowledge: “I’m not asking you to repeat everything for me all the
time but if I ask you, I want to know.
“Ok, fine. It’s really not that big a deal.”
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Fake Apologizer: Didn’t realize you were so sensitive!
You: (Explain) The way you just apologized doesn’t seem like
you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me.
Fake Apologizer: No, I totally mean it (tone is sarcastic).
You: (Affirm) Look, I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.
I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Did you hear what everyone is saying
about you?
Common responses:
•Disappear until graduation
•Immediately talk to whoever you can, go to FB, and check
what people are saying.
•Plot with your friend about how to get back at the person
who you think started it.
•Say, “Whatever, it’s not worth it.” But really worry about
it a lot.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Getting Some Control
• STOP: What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer: “Thanks for
telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.”
• Explain: I’m hearing that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking to
tell me if the gossip is true. I’m asking that if any part of it’s true that
you stop. I know I can’t control what you do but I’m showing the
respect to come to you face to face to ask what’s going on.
There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
• Affirm/acknowledge: If I did something that upset you I want to know.
But if you’re mad at me, you have to tell me.
• Lock (if appropriate) We used to be good friends. If you ever want to
talk about this, I’m here.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
If the child is a bystander
“I’m sorry this is happening. Thanks for telling me
because I know it can be hard to come forward
about things like this and I really respect the fact that
you did. Now let’s think about what we can do about
it.”
USE SEAL TO FRAME STRATEGY
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
Snitching
Telling to get
someone in
trouble.
The goal is to make
the problem bigger
and more public.
Reporting
vs.
Telling because
the problem is
too big to solve
on your own.
The goal is to
right a wrong.
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com
My Relationship Rights
List the 3 rights that are most
important to you in a
friendships or relationship
1.
2.
3.
My Deal Breakers
List 3 ways that someone
could treat you where you
would end the
friendships/relationship
1.
2.
3.
What if your child is the bully?
• This is one moment not a lifetime.
• Don’t make excuses. Tell them you will talk to your child
and get back to them.
• With paper, and no siblings around, “X was reported to
me. Is this accurate? Is any of it accurate?
• Define your expectations which include, “If the life of the
target gets more difficult as a result of this conversation,
you will force me to take much more serious action.
Want to Reach Me?
Email: rosalind@rosalindwiseman.com
Web: rosalindwiseman.com
Facebook: Search “Rosalind Wiseman” and join my Page
Twitter: rosalindwiseman
Copyright Rosalind Wiseman 2013
www.rosalindwiseman.com