The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your
need for each other.
Anonymous
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Long term relationships can be described in one of two ways:
Exchange relationships are governed by the need for equity or an
equal ratio of rewards and costs. In these types of relationships,
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We like to be repaid immediately for our favours.
We feel exploited when our favours are not returned.
We keep track of who is contributing what to the relationship.
Being able to help the other person has no effect on our mood.
Communal relationships are those in which the people's primary
concern is being responsive to the other person's needs. In these
types of relationships,
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We do not like to be repaid immediately for our favours.
We do not feel exploited when our favours are not repaid.
We do not keep track of who is contributing what to the relationship.
Being able to help the person puts us in a good mood.
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Physical intimacy begins with attachment
during infancy and is demonstrated by hugs,
kisses, and physical closeness.
Intellectual intimacy involves the exchange of
important ideas, values and beliefs.
Emotional intimacy involves the exchange of
important feelings.
Shared activities can include everything from
working side-by-side at a job to meeting
regularly for exercise workouts.
Some social scientists have argued that all
relationships both personal and impersonal are based
on a semi-economic model called social exchange
theory.
 This approach suggests that we often seek out people
who can give us rewards either tangible or emotional
that are greater than or equal to the costs we
encounter in dealing with them. Social exchange
theorists define rewards as any outcomes we
desire.
 A simple formula captures the social exchange theory
for why we form and maintain relationships:
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 Rewards - Costs = Outcome
Some researchers have criticized social
exchange theory for ignoring an essential
variable in relationships: the notion of fairness,
or equity.
 Equity theorists argue that people are not just
out to get the most rewards for the least cost;
they are also concerned about equity in their
relationships, wherein the rewards and costs
they experience and the contributions they
make to the relationship are roughly equal to the
rewards, costs and contributions of the other
person.
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Rules
 By rules, they mean shared opinions or beliefs about what
should or should not be done.
 The two major functions of rules are to regulate behaviour
in order to minimize potential sources of conflict, and to
check on the exchange of rewards that motivate people to
stay in relationships.
 Some rules are thought to apply to all or most types of
relationships, such as respecting other people's privacy,
not discussing what has been said in confidence and being
emotionally supportive.
 Additional rules apply in particular types of relationships.
Such as: spouse, sibling and close friends, doctor, teacher
and boss.
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Filter Theory
 According to Kerckhoff and Davis, relationships pass
through a series of filters.
 Initially, similarity of sociological (or demographic)
variables (such as ethnic, racial, religious and social
class groups) determines the likelihood of people
meeting in the first place.
 The next filter involves people's psychological
characteristics and, specifically, agreement on basic
values.
 The third and final filter is complementarity of
emotional needs and is the best predictor of a longer
term commitment.
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Ainsworth discovered that infants form one of
three basic attachments to the caregiver.
The crucial feature determining the quality of
attachment is the caregiver’s sensitivity, or the
quality of response to the baby’s needs.
The sensitive caregiver sees things from the
baby’s perspective, correctly interprets its
signals, responds to its needs, and is accepting,
cooperative and accessible.
By contrast, the insensitive caregiver interacts
almost exclusively in terms of their own wishes,
moods and activities.
Types of Attachments
Anxious-avoidant
Percentage of Sample
15%
Typical behaviour: Baby largely ignores caregiver. Play is little affected by whether caregiver is present or
absent. No or few signs of distress when caregiver leaves, and actively ignores or avoids caregiver on
return. Distress is caused by being alone, rather than being left by the caregiver. Can be as easily comforted
by a stranger as by the caregiver. In fact, both adults are treated in a very similar way.
Securely attached
70%
Typical behaviour: Baby plays happily while the caregiver is present, whether the stranger is present or
not. Caregiver is largely ‘ignored’ because the baby trusts that care will be provided if needed. Clearly
distressed when caregiver leaves and play is considerably reduced. Seeks immediate contact with caregiver
on return, is quickly calmed down and resumes play. The distress is caused by the caregiver’s absence, not
being alone. Although the stranger can provide some comfort, stranger and caregiver are treated very
differently.
Anxious-resistant
15%
Typical behaviour: Baby is fussy and wary while the caregiver is present. Cries a lot more and explores much
less than other two types and has difficulty in using caregiver as a safe base. Very distressed when caregiver
leaves, seeks contact on return, but simultaneously shows anger and resists contact (may approach caregiver
and reach out to be picked up, but then struggles to get down again). This demonstrates the baby’s
ambivalence towards the caregiver. Does not return readily to play. Actively resists stranger's efforts to make
contact.
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One of the best known models of relational stages was
developed by Mark Knapp, who broke down the rise and fall
of relationships into 10 stages, contained in the broad phases
of “coming together” and “coming apart”.
 Initiating - Expressing interest in making contact and showing that you are the
kind of person worth getting to know.
 Experimenting - This stage involves uncertainty reduction, or the process of
getting to know others by gaining more information about them.
 Intensifying - Interpersonal relationships now begin to emerge. Feelings
about the other person are now openly expressed, forms of address become
more familiar, commitment is now openly expressed, and the parties begin to
see themselves as “we” instead of separate individuals.
 Integrating - Identification as a social unit. Social circles merge. Partners
develop unique, ritualistic ways of behaving. Obligation to the other person
increases. Some personal characteristics are replaced and we become
different people.
 Bonding - The parties make symbolic public gestures to show society that
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their relationship exists (rings, tokens, marriage).
Differentiating - The need to re-establish separate identities begins to
emerge. The key to successful differentiation is maintaining a commitment to
the relationship while creating the space for autonomy and individuality.
Circumscribing - Communication between the partners decreases in quantity
and quality. It involves a certain amount of shrinking of interest and
commitment.
Stagnating - No growth occurs. Partners behave toward each other in old,
familiar ways without much feeling.
Avoiding - The creation of physical, mental and emotional distance between
the partners.
Termination - In romantic relationships the best predictor of whether the
parties will become friends is whether they were friends before their
emotional involvement.
Murstein sees relationships proceeding from
a stimulus stage, in which attraction is based on
external attributes (such as physical
appearance), to a value stage in which similarity
of values and beliefs becomes more important.
 Then comes a role stage, which involves a
commitment based on successful performance
of relationship roles such as husband and wife.
 Although all these factors have some influence
throughout a relationship, each one assumes its
greatest significance during one particular stage
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For Levinger relationships pass through five stages
rather than the three proposed by Murstein.
 These are:
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acquaintance or initial attraction,
building up the relationship,
consolidation or continuation,
deterioration and decline,
ending.
At each stage, there are positive factors that promote
the relationship's development and corresponding
negative factors that prevent its development or
cause its failure
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Lee's model of relationship dissolution
Lee has proposed that there are five stages in premarital romantic
breakups.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
First of all, dissatisfaction is discovered.
This dissatisfaction is then exposed.
Some sort of negotiation about the dissatisfaction occurs.
Attempts are made to resolve the problem.
Finally, the relationship is terminated.
In his research, Lee found that exposure and negotiation tended to
be experienced as the most intense, dramatic, exhausting and
negative aspects of the whole experience.
 Lee also found that in those cases where the passage from
dissatisfaction to termination was particularly prolonged, people
reported feeling more attracted to their ex-partners and
experienced the greatest loneliness and fear during the breakup
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Duck's Model (Phase-Threshold Model)
Duck’s model of relationship dissolution consists of four phases, each of which is
initiated when a threshold is broken.
 The first, intrapsychic phase, begins when one partner sees him- or herself as
being unable to stand the relationship any more. This initiates a focus on the
other’s behaviour, and an assessment of how adequate the partner’s role
performance is. Also, the individual begins to assess the negative aspects of being
in the relationship, considers the costs of withdrawal, and assesses the positive
aspects of being in another relationship. Duck uses the term intrapsychic because
the processes are occurring only in the individual's mind and have not yet shown
themselves in actual behaviour. The next threshold is when the individual
considers himself or herself as being justified in withdrawing from the
relationship.
 This leads to the dyadic phase, and involves the other partner. Here, the
dissatisfied individual must decide whether to confront or avoid the partner. When
this decision is made, negotiations occur about, for example, whether the
relationship can be repaired and the joint costs of withdrawal or reduced
intimacy. If the negotiations in this phase are unsuccessful, the next threshold is
when the dissatisfied partner decides that he or she means the relationship to
end.
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Duck's Model (Phase-Threshold Model)
 This leads to the social phase, so-called because it involves
consideration of the social implications of the relationship's
dissolution. This state of the relationship is made public at least within
the individual's own social network, and publicly negotiable facesaving/blame-placing stories and accounts of the relationship's
breakdown may be given. Intervention teams such as family or very
close friends may be called in to try to bring a reconciliation. Unless
the intervention teams are successful, the next threshold is when the
relationship's dissolution becomes inevitable.
 This leads to the final grave-dressing phase. In this, the partners
attempt to get over the relationship's dissolution and engage in their
own post-mortem about why the relationship dissolved, a version of
events which is then given to family and friends. Each partner needs
to emerge from the relationship with an intact reputation for future
“relationship reliability” purposes .