Romantic Relationships
Coming Together 7302
Chances are great that everyone in this
class is, has been, or will be involved in
a romantic relationship; we all are, have
been or will be involved in a breakup of
a romantic relationship
Most relationships are bound by a
cultural script
What is the cultural script for your
relationship?
What is our personal script for a
relationship?
These are associated with relational
schemata
Opening the Door
Intimate Relationships
Involve friendships/professional as well as
romantic relationships
Intimate relationships involve basic
emotions such as love, compassion and
caring
In intimate relationships we reveal more
and share secrets
How do we come together?
Similarity
We are attracted to people who look like us, dress
like us, like the same things and have the same
value system
Complementarity
Sometimes we are attracted to people because
they are different from the way we are, however,
by far, most people are attracted because of
similarity
Reciprocal Liking
We seem to be attracted to people who
like us
Physical Beauty
We seem to be attracted to people who we
think are attractive, at least initially
If people like us, though, we think they are
more attractive as time goes by
Filtering Theory
Stephen Duck
Sociological or incidental cues
We must have the opportunity to observe each
other
Other pre-interaction cues
We actually scrutinize the object of our interest
Interaction cues
We converse, exchange turns, make eye contact
Filtering Theory
Cognitive cues
All our observations combine so that we
form impressions of the other person
What type of person the other is
What his/her value system might be
His/her political, religious, beliefs
And so on!
Relational Stages - Mark
Knapp
Initiating
Make contact
First impressions
You can exit the relationship at this point,
but you can also become intrigued with the
other person
Experimenting
Finding out about each other
Explore the possibilities of a relationship
Spend time with each other
What does this person like? Dislike?
Small talk (a way of auditioning for a
relationship)
Intensifying
You open up to each other
You spend large amounts of time
together
You self-disclose
You tease each other
You develop informal nicknames
Yours are?
Integrating
Attitudes become more similar and the
level of “coupleness” increases
The couple receives invitations
addressed to both of them
They see themselves as a unit with a
shared history
What are we doing this weekend?
Bonding
Announce commitment to the world
Engagement, marriage
Making a public statement of
permanent attachment
Differentiating
Re-establish their own identity
Courtship emphasized “we” now
emphasize “I”
Differentiation can be positive
Individuals need to keep a sense of self
within the boundaries of the relationship
Differentiating
While Knapp refers to differentiation as
one of the coming apart stages, it is in
reality an inevitable stage of any
relationship that has bonded
Often it arises when there is a source of
tension or stress
Differentiating
This stage can be successful if a
healthy balance is maintained between
individuality and commitment to the
relationship
Circumscribing
Stepping apart for each other just a little
bit
Don’t communicate with the same
quality and quantity of messages as
they once did
Withdraw from each other to avoid
conflict
Stagnating
Things become routine, a hollow shell
with no life
Going through the motions
Expecting nothing from the relationship
Avoiding
Partners begin to feel too uncomfortable with
each other, and create more distance by
avoiding each other
They spend time apart
Psychologically avoid each other
Clear that the relationship is about to end
Pretending to be asleep when he/she comes
home
Terminating
Partners seek to end the relationship
Depending on the relationship, termination
may be a very short stage or it may be a
bitter, long drawn out battle
The relationship may end over lunch, a note
left in the bedroom or a legal document
calling for the dissolution of the marriage
Two ways to end
Sudden death of the relationship
Passing away
Murray Davis, Intimate Relations
Gender Differences in
Expressing Care
Women tend to create and express closeness
through personal, self-disclosive talk
Men rely on instrumental displays of affection,
solving problems, physical intimacy
Misunderstandings can occur between
masculine and feminine individuals because
of differences in expressing and experiencing
caring
“I love you. I told you that I loved you
when I married you, so you can assume
that I still love you until I tell you
different. If something changes I will tell
you.”
Tensions
Dichotomies are tensions that affect
relationships
They are called relational dialectics
We sense tension when we are pulled
in two directions at the same time
Mikhail Bakhtin, a Russian philosopher,
saw these tensions as the “deep
structure” of all interpersonal experience
Centripetal forces
On the one hand, a centripetal or
centralizing force, pulls us together with
others
Centrifugal
On the other hand a centrifugal or
decentralizing forces, pushes us apart
This isn’t necessarily bad--it provides
an opportunity for discussion, an
occasion for people to work out their
conflicting desires to connect with and
differentiate from each other
Autonomy-Connection
For Baxter, this is the primary internal
strain within relationships
No relationship can exist by definition
unless the parties sacrifice some
individual autonomy
Too much connection and individual
identities are lost
Both masculine and feminine
individuals desire autonomy and
connection
Feminine individuals are socialized for
focus on relationships and are
comfortable with greater levels of
connection
Masculine individuals, socialized toward
independence, typically want greater
autonomy
Differences can lead to problems in
relationships when behaviors are
interpreted from different perspectives
The external aspect of this is the pull between
being isolated from the rest of the world and
being involved in social networks--need time
alone as a couple to solidify the relationship,
but also need to be with others
Response Strategies to
Autonomy Connection
Cyclic alternation
. . .we kind of kept floundering around
together. . .drifting toward each other and
drifting apart again. . .kind of a cycle
Very rare is the specifically negotiated
alternation of autonomy connection
Response Strategies to
Autonomy Connection
Selection
This is a proactive approach
“We did want both autonomy and
connection. We decided we’re going to
give this a shot. We just kind of thought, if
it doesn’t work out , it doesn’t work out. If it
does all the better.”
Predictability/Novelty
We need certainty, but a bit of
novelty/spontaneity refreshes the
relationship
A dysfunctional condition known as
schismogenesis can result from overly
rigid, I.e., predictable interaction
Ways to Cope
Segmentation
People like the spontaneity and excitement
of not being able to predict what was going
to occur in the interaction
Some areas of the relationship, however,
predictability is key
One guy speaks
“I guess novelty and predictability in my mind
can’t be mixed because they are for different
things. Predictability is the confidence that
she’s not going to leave tomorrow and go out
with another guy. I wanted confidence in that.
And for novelty, I just wanted ‘spunk.’ I
wanted out time together to be fun and
exciting.”
Cyclic Alternation
For many respondents this was driven
by the school calendar
Routines of classes, parties, studying,
sports punctuated the academic term
with the novelty of vacations and
summers
One Respondent Speaks
“Especially toward the end of the term
when ‘we’ was getting on our nerves, I
would long for the break when we would
have the time to do whatever we
wanted to do. The vacations were like a
shot in the arm for our relationship”
Selection Response
Involves a concerted effort to enhance
predictability or to enhance novelty
Talking about explicitly about issues
such as the state of the relationship
Selection Continued
Some parties achieved novelty through
greater autonomous, individual activity
One student says, “The predictability is
us; the novelty is me. That’s why I
decided to go back to school when our
kids were old enough.”
Selection Continued
Novelty by undertaking joint activities
“We were caught in a rut--get up, go to classes
together, study together, sleep together, get up, go
to classes. . .In the middle of the term we decided
to bag the rut and do things on impulse that we felt
like doing. We took off to the beach in the middle
of the week. We’d go dancing and parting. Both
of our grades have suffered for what we did, but
we don’t have any regrets.”
Openness/Closedness
Openness: we develop intimacy
Closedness: we protect ourselves
Quality Relationships balance these
needs
Disclosure is a key element in developing
deep and lasting relationships
Turning Points
Nonscripted interaction that can
become a turning point in the
relationship
First kiss
First argument
Meeting the parents
Working it Out
We use secret tests to determine the depth of
the relationship
Endurance
Separation
Indirect hints
Triangle tests
Inquiry
Presentation as a couple
Testing the water through hints, jokes
All of these elements meld together as we
develop and deepen our relationships.
The ideas we have just discussed offer an
understanding of what is happening in the
most important of human endeavors
Relationships are difficult, but they are worth
it