The Happiness Pack
Some ideas and exercises
on the theme of happiness
Introduction
When you ask parents what they want for their children,
they often say: “We want them to be happy.” So the
question is: “How do people achieve happiness?”
Some people say that happiness is an outcome of
pursuing certain principles, rather than an end in itself.
During the past 40 years, however, Positive Psychology
has researched the topic of happiness. It has asked:
“What kinds of people are happy?
“What are the principles such people follow to be happy?
“Is it possible for other people to follow these principles in
their own ways to maintain or improve their happiness?”
The recent work on happiness was inspired by
psychologists such as Martin Seligman, who wrote
Learned Optimism and Authentic Happiness.
Later he would express reservations about the term
‘happiness’. Since then he and other researchers have
used terms such as ‘well-being’, ‘flourishing’, ‘thriving’
and ‘life-satisfaction’. But many people continue to refer
to the approach as focusing on happiness.
The researchers who explore this and related topics
include Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener, Sonja
Lyubomirsky, Tal Ben-Shahar, Barbara Fredrickson, Tom
Rath and many others. Here are some of their books.
The following pages outline some of the themes that
have emerged from work on areas such as psychological
health, hope and happiness. These are followed by
exercises on each of the topics.
The pack provide an introduction to these themes. Each
theme could, of course, be explored in much more detail.
As ever, take the best and leave the rest.
Here is an overview of some of the principles that have
emerged. You will, of course, have your own views on
themes that could be added.
Happiness
Some characteristics
of people who are happy
They have a sense of gratitude. They count their
blessings rather than their burdens.
They have a positive attitude, but are also good
at reading reality. They are positive realists.
They spend time with their encouragers and other
positive people. This gives them strength to
tackle challenges.
They are true to their values. They have a sense
of purpose and aim to follow it each day.
They have a sense of control. They focus on what
they can control, rather than what they can’t.
They have developed the resilience to deal with
adversity and creative problem solving skills that
enable them to deal with challenges.
They feel alive, savour the moments and
sometimes enjoy a sense of wonder.
They enjoy being creative and experience a
sense of flow when pursuing activities they find
fulfilling.
They build on their strengths and aim to be the
best they can be. They do not compare themselves
to others.
They are generous, kind and enjoy a sense of
peace as they get older.
Gratitude
Introduction
Happy people are often humble and have a sense of
gratitude. They are thankful for what life has given them.
“What you focus on, you become,” we are told. This is
borne out by research into people who count their
blessings. They become happier than those who count
their burdens.
Robert Emmons highlights this in his book Thanks. He
described the work that he and Michael E. McCullough did
with 3 separate groups over 10 weeks. Those taking part
began by keeping daily journals detailing their attitudes,
moods and physical health. Each group was then asked to
record different things at the end of each week.
Group A: The Gratitude Group.
They were asked to write down 5 things they were
grateful for that had happened in the previous week.
This was called the Gratitude Condition.
Group B. The Hassle Group
They were asked to write down 5 hassles that had
happened in the previous week. This was called the
Hassle Condition.
Group C. The Events Group.
They were asked to write down 5 events that had
happened in the previous week, but not to focus on
positive or negative aspects.
The results were as expected. People in Group A felt 25%
happier than they had previously. They felt better about
their lives and more optimistic about the future.
Robert Emmons believes that:
“Gratitude enriches human life.
It elevates, energises, inspires
and transforms. People are
moved, opened and humbled
through expressions of gratitude.”
The introduction to Robert’s
book is written by Brother
David Steindl-Rast, who is
known for his work on gratitude.
Brother David grew up in Austria, where he studied art,
anthropology and psychology. He moved to the United
States and joined a Benedictine Monastery in New York
in 1953. Here are some of his thoughts on gratitude.
“Everything is a gift. The degree to which we are
awake to this truth is a measure of our gratefulness,
and gratefulness is a measure of our aliveness.
“Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in
our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no
matter how much we have we will not be happy because we will always want to have something else or
something more.
"The root of joy is gratefulness … It is not joy that
makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”
The root of joy is
gratefulness.
It is not joy that makes us
grateful; it is gratitude that
makes us joyful.
Count your blessings and
you will find them to be
countless, even in the midst
of adversity and tragic
circumstances.
What we really want is joy.
We don’t want things.
Brother David Steindl-Rast
He goes on to say that:
“Count your blessings and you will find them to be
countless, even in the midst of adversity and tragic
circumstances.
“The practice of gratefulness that I’m concerned with is
grateful living. That means every moment of your life
you practice gratefulness.
“You practice awareness that
everything is a gift, everything is
gratuitous, and if it’s all given,
gratuitously given, then the only
appropriate response is
gratefulness.”
My Gratitude Journal
Introduction
There are many exercises on gratitude. This one is based
on those that invite people to keep a gratitude journal. It
invites you to look back on the day and do two things.
*
Describe the things you have enjoyed, been thankful
for or appreciated today.
*
Describe the things you are looking forward to doing,
experiencing or giving to others tomorrow.
You can, of course, use other time frames. Such as
looking back at a week, month or whatever. Here is the
exercise.
The things I have enjoyed doing, been
thankful for or appreciated today have been:
*
*
*
*
*
The things I am looking forward to doing,
experiencing or giving to others tomorrow are:
*
*
*
*
*
My Assets
Introduction
Many of us already have many inner resources and
talents. These are the things that make up our true
wealth. This exercise invites you to take three steps.
*
Describe your personal assets.
For example, your health, family, friends, finances,
attitude, ability to overcome adversity, personal drive and
whatever.
*
Describe your professional assets.
For example, your past achievements, talents, creativity,
work ethic, personal network, satisfied customers,
experience, knowledge and whatever.
*
Describe how you can use your assets.
How can you use your assets? How can you use these
gifts to encourage other people? How can you use them to
achieve your goals?
Try completing the following exercise.
Personal Assets
The personal assets I have are:
*
*
*
*
*
Professional Assets
The professional assets I have are:
*
*
*
*
*
Making Use Of My Assets
The specific things I can do to
make use of my assets are:
*
*
*
Positivity
Introduction
People make choices everyday. They can choose to be
positive or negative, to be creators or critics, to take
responsibility or avoid responsibility. Each choice does, of
course, have consequences. The attitude they choose can
have an influence on both themselves and other people.
People who choose to have a positive attitude are more
likely to generate inner strength. Studies of resilient
people, for example, show they are ‘positive realists’.
Such people have a positive approach, but also quickly
read reality. They focus on influencing what they can
control, rather than worrying about what they can’t. They
then do their best to achieve their picture of success.
People who choose to have a negative attitude tend to
generate feelings of weakness. Such people worry about
things they can’t control and feel the world is against
them. They tend to spread negative energy and this can
affect other people.
People do not always choose what happens to them. But,
as Viktor Frankl says, people often have the chance to
choose their response to what happens. Writing about his
experiences in the concentration camps, Frankl said:
“Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one
thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's
attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's
own way.”
People can choose
To be
positive
To be
negative
To be
creators
To be
complainers
To take
responsibility
To avoid
responsibility
People make choices and
each choice has consequences
A
B
C
Pluses
Pluses
Pluses
* _________
Minuses
* _________
* _________
Minuses
* _________
* _________
Minuses
* _________
Barbara Fredrickson and Positivity
Barbara Fredrickson explains the importance of positivity
in her book on this theme.
She found that positivity increases
our ability to live flourishing, rather
than languishing, lives. She says:
“People who have positive
emotions in a ratio of 3:1 in
relation to negative emotions
are more likely to flourish.”
Some people dispute this ratio,
but the principle is worthwhile
exploring.
Barbara explains: “The consistency here is extraordinary.
For individuals, marriages and business teams, flourishing
– doing remarkably well – comes with positivity ratios
above 3 to 1.
“By contrast, those who don’t overcome their depression,
couples who fail in their marriages, and business teams
that are unpopular and unprofitable each have ratios in
the gutter, below 1 to 1.”
The key is to increase: “The amount of positive emotions
you have in relation to negative emotions.”
You can test your own positivity ratio at the following site.
http://www.positivityratio.com/single.php
Positivity Ratios
Peak
Performing
and
Flourishing
Coping:
Languishing
Managing To
With Little
Keep Head Sign Of Hope
Above Water
Possible
Depression
3+
1
2
2+
1
1
1
1
People choose their attitude and, as mentioned earlier,
this can affect others around them. The following
exercises invite you to focus on two things.
* Clarifying your positive energy.
This exercise invites you to clarify the things that give
you positive energy.
* Choosing to be positive.
This invites you to clarify the specific things you can do
to be positive in your life and work.
* Clarifying your level of self-confidence.
This invites you to clarify the positive and not so
positive influences you may have in your life and work.
Positive Energy
Introduction
Energy is life. This exercise invites you to list the
things that give you positive energy.
These may include doing certain activities, being with
certain people, following certain passions, doing
certain professional projects or whatever.
The activities that give you positive energy – even
when you simply think about them - can provide clues
to your strengths.
They can also help you to make decisions. When in
doubt, you can ask yourself: Which option gives me
the most positive energy?
So try completing the following exercise.
Positive Energy
The things that give me positive energy are:
*
*
*
*
*
Choosing To
Be Positive
The specific things I can do to be
positive in my life and work –including
being positive towards others – are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
The benefits of doing these things –
both for myself and for others – may be:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
Self-Confidence
Pot Fillers and Pot Drillers
Introduction
There are many exercises for clarifying our levels of
positivity, confidence and energy.
One of this is based on Virginia Satir's work with the SelfConfidence Pot. A great family therapist, Virginia invited
people to see their self-confidence as a pot. Sometimes
they would have lots of confidence in the pot, other times
they would have little.
Sometimes this was related to whether they were
surrounded by Pot Fillers or Pot Drillers. Virginia
introduced this idea in the 1950s. It was later used by
many other people who talked about Energy Givers and
Energy Drains. But it is worth revisiting her original work.
Clarifying Your Level of Self-Confidence
Start by drawing an imaginary pot. Looking at the pot,
draw a line that corresponds to how high your selfconfidence is today. If you have high confidence, you can
draw it high up the pot. If your confidence is low, you can
draw it at a lower point in the pot. The next step explores
why it may be at this level.
Clarifying Your Pot Fillers
Write the names of your pot fillers. These are the people
who give you encouragement and energy. You look
forward to seeing these people and feel more alive after
meeting them. Also describe the things you do to give
yourself energy, such as listening to music, reading,
gardening or whatever.
The Self-Confidence Pot
Draw a line showing how high your self confidence is at
the moment. If you have high confidence, it will be high
in the pot. If low confidence, then it will be lower.
If you have lots of things that give you positive energy,
your pot will be overflowing. You will then be more able
to pass-on encouragement to other people. But there
may be complications, which brings us to the next part
of the exercise.
Clarifying Your Pot Drillers
Write the names of the pot drillers. These are people
who sap energy. They leave you feeling drained and
discouraged. The more significant they are in the your
life, the nearer they will be to the base.
It is also possible, of course, that you may do things
that drill your own pot.
The Self-Confidence Pot
You may have both Pot Fillers and Pot Drillers.
One key point is worth remembering. Whilst we may
have people who discourage us, we may also 'allow'
them to have this effect.
If a person is being negative, for example, sometimes
we may have the option of going out of the room,
giving them a positive alternative or doing other things
to stop their energy affecting us. This is not always the
case, but there are options we can apply for dealing
with the negative energy.
Some people may be both pot fillers and pot drillers.
They may have a ‘pleasing–hurting’ pattern.
Sometimes they are positive then, without warning,
they lash out. If this is this case, clarify the specific
things these people do to encourage or drain you.
Clarifying How To Raise The Level Of Self-Confidence
“It is my responsibility to take charge of my future,” said
one person. “I need to spend more time doing the things
that give me positive energy. Sometimes I allow some
people to have a negative influence on me. I am going to
control what I can in those situations.”
How can you maintain confidence and also encourage
other people? Here are some suggestions to consider.
*
Spend more time with people who give you energy.
Spend time with your encouragers and, if possible, work
with colleagues you find stimulating. People often find
that, as they get older, they spend more time with
personal and professional soul mates.
Encourage yourself. Do more of the things you love
such as listening to music, visiting the theatre or
whatever.
*
Spend less time - or no time - with people who
drain energy.
Radical changes are difficult to make overnight but,
unless the holes are filled, encouragement will simply
flow out of the bottom. You can do two things with the
stoppers.
-
Stop seeing people who drain energy.
Why take such a drastic step? Energy is life. We need
pure energy, rather than poisonous energy. Unless the
holes are filled, encouragement will ebb away.
-
Start making clear contracts with the people who both
encourage and stop you.
Start by rewarding the positive. This means giving clear
messages about the specific things you like the other
person doing. Explain how you would like to build on
these parts of the relationship.
Give the person positive alternatives to the possible
negative behaviour by saying: “In the future, is it possible
for you to …?” or “I would prefer it if you…”
Present suggestions to the other person, rather than label
the person as ‘bad’. It is unlikely that a negative person,
for example, will respond immediately. Everybody needs
time to lick their wounds. But is it important not to argue
or fall into the blame game.
What if the negative person refuses to respond? Then it
will be time to make a decision. It is important to give
to others, but not become a victim. There is no point in
staying around to have your pot drilled by people who
choose to be miserable or to be ‘observer critics’.
*
Be an encourager for other people
Encourage your encouragers. This may lead to getting
even more positive energy and continuing to build
good relationships.
Finally, when in doubt, can ask: “Does this activity give
me energy?” If not, you can switch to spending time
with the people – and on the activities – that provide
stimulation. This may seem tough. But it is much
tougher to stay with negative people.
Try tackling the exercise on this theme. This invites
you to do three things.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to keep
filling your Pot.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to deal with
any drilling of your Pot.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to be a Pot
Filler for other people.
Pot Filling. The specific things I can
do to maintain or improve the
level of confidence in my pot are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
Pot Drilling. The specific things I can
do to deal with any drilling of the
level of confidence in my pot are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
Being A Pot Filler. The specific things I can
do to be a Pot Filler for other people are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
Encouragement
Introduction
Most people want similar things in life. They want to be
loved, happy, successful and to find peace. Different
people will, of course, have different ways of reaching
these aims.
Happy people may have grown up in a loving family or
enjoyed fulfilling relationships in their lives. Such people
may also have spent time with kindred spirits.
People obviously want love. Many recognise, however,
that they will not be loved by everybody they meet. So
they put themselves into situations where they get
support. People – and all living things – need
encouragement to grow.
Studies of achievers who grew up in difficult
circumstances, for example, found that they were given
encouragement by ‘Significant Others’.
They had a grandparent, teacher, coach or other positive
model who encouraged them to believe in themselves.
(This was the original use of the term Significant Other.)
The Significant Other provided a sense of affirmation. At
the same time, however, they often gave the person a
‘reality check’.
The person listened because they respected the
Significant Other. They then felt they were on the right
track – often in the face of others who doubted them.
People are more likely to grow in an encouraging
environment, something that was described by Abraham
Maslow.
Maslow was one of the founders of humanistic psychology
and studied healthy people. Whilst he produced a massive
body of work, most people are familiar with his famous
‘hierarchy of human needs’.
He said that people have an ascending set of needs.
These start with physiological needs – such as for air,
food and water. They need to feel safe and then meet
their social needs - such as being loved and having a
sense of belonging. People then need to develop selfesteem and progress to self-actualisation. This final step
can take the form of enjoying peak experiences.
Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Human Needs
Self-actualisation needs
Esteem needs
Social needs
Safety needs
Physiological needs
Maslow said that people have an inbuilt drive to climb this
hierarchy. Once they are satisfied on one level, they are
more likely to move onto the next level. These drives start
with the physiological needs, then climb onwards towards
self-actualisation.
There are obviously some people who defy these rules.
Some individuals produce great work, for example,
despite experiencing deprivation. Nevertheless, Maslow’s
ideas had a profound impact.
People need both physical and psychological
encouragement. This plays a key part in enabling them to
grow. The following pages invite you to do two exercises
on this theme.
*
Significant Others.
This exercise invites you to do two things. First, to write
the names of significant people in your life or work that
have given you encouragement. Second, to describe the
specific things that each of them did to encourage you.
* Being an Encourager.
This exercise invites you to describe two things. First, the
specific things you can do to encourage other people.
Second, the specific things you can do to encourage
yourself.
Here are the exercises.
Significant
Others
The Significant People Who
Have Given Me Encouragement
The Significant Person’s Name Was: ________
The specific things they
did to encourage me were:
* They
* They
* They
The Significant Person’s Name Was: ________
The specific things they
did to encourage me were:
* They
* They
* They
The Significant Person’s Name Was: ________
The specific things they
did to encourage me were:
* They
* They
* They
Being An
Encourager
The specific things I can do
to encourage other people are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
The specific things I can do
to encourage myself are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
Aliveness
Introduction
Happy people often ‘feel alive’. They enjoy life and
experience moments when they say:
“This is wonderful. You can’t buy times like these.”
Joseph Campbell, who studied the human journey as
expressed in myths and legends, explained:
“People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for
life. I don't think that's what we're really seeking. I think
that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive…”
The following pages invite you to do two exercises on this
theme.
Feeling Alive
Introduction
This exercise invites you to do two things.
*
Describe the times when you feel alive.
For example, when you are writing, running, dancing,
gardening, being with loved ones, cooking, performing or
whatever. It is important, of course, to focus on when you
feel alive in ways that help, rather than hurt, yourself or
other people.
*
Describe the steps you can take to do more of these
things.
The specific times when I feel alive
– in ways that help, rather than
hurt, myself or other people - are:
* When I
For example:
* When I
For example:
* When I
For example:
The specific steps I can take
to do more of these things are:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
* To
For example:
Living The Vital Life,
Rather Than
The Vanilla Life
Introduction
Gordon Mackenzie, author of Orbiting the Giant Hairball,
inspired many people to revitalise their creativity whilst
working with corporations.
He believed it was vital to retain the juiciness of life. If
you don’t watch out, he said, life can become like one of
the peaches you find in supermarkets. From the outside it
looks perfect. When taking a bite, however, the peach
tastes like concrete.
People work best when they generate their creative juices.
This comes from living the vital life, rather than the vanilla
life. This exercise invites you to take the following steps.
*
Start by describing what the vital life is for you.
One person wrote: “The vital life for me is: doing creative
work, cooking fresh food, listening to jazz, mountain
biking, skiing, walking by the sea, meeting friends,
getting enough sleep and driving with the roof down.”
Gordon Mackenzie spent 30 years
managing to ‘orbit’ successfully around
the ‘hairball’ of bureaucracy. He believed that
explorers sometimes had to make
their own rules. He wrote:
“Orville Wright did not have a pilot’s
licence.”
How can you keep your senses alive?
Try completing the following sentence.
The vital life for me is:
* To
* To
* To
* To
* To
*
Describe what for you may be the vanilla life.
One person said:
“The vanilla life for me is: sitting in boring meetings,
staying in soulless hotels, hotel food, spending more than
3 nights a week away from home, listening to ‘observer
critics’, flying on business trips, spending a day without
music.”
What is the vanilla life for you? Try completing the
following sentence.
The vanilla life for me is:
* To
* To
* To
* To
* To
*
Describe the specific things you can do to live the vital
life and – if possible - avoid the vanilla life.
“I am fed-up with plain vanilla,” said one person, “Now
and again I want to add a bit of tutti-frutti.”
Gordon Mackenzie died in 1999, soon after the publication
of Hairball. The final two sentences of his book are:
“If you go to your grave without painting your
masterpiece, it will not get painted. No one else can paint
it. Only you.”
Gordon created his masterpiece and lived a vital life. He
certainly wasn’t vanilla. Try completing the following
sentence.
The specific things I can do to live the
vital life – rather than the vanilla life - are:
* To
* To
* To
* To
* To
Being True To Yourself
Introduction
“It’s important to be true to yourself,” we are told. This
sounds simple and, like many simple things, it can be
hard to do.
Being true to yourself involves being true to your nature
and being ‘authentic’. It means following your values in
your daily life and work. This is a path taken by many
people who are happy.
Certainly it is important to be true to yourself. But it is
also important to do this in ways that help, rather than
hurt, other people.
Carl Rogers, a key figure in humanistic psychology,
emphasised the need for people to be genuine in his book
On Becoming A Person.
Carl believed that all living things had a drive toward
actualisation. Many of his beliefs were formed from
watching the processes in nature. As a scientist, he saw
how organisms stretched to fulfil their potential.
The organisms that succeeded, he believed, were those
that channelled their natural strength and yet also
embraced complexity. This enabled them to develop the
resources to deal with challenges. Those that remained
narrow did not have the variety to overcome adversity.
Carl believed that, to be fully human, a person must be
true to themselves – yet also be willing to learn from
experience. He believed that:
“People who pursue this drive successfully are more likely
to become psychologically healthy. Those who don’t may
experience ‘problems of living’.”
People who are able to pursue
their true nature are more likely
to find fulfilment. Life is full of
setbacks, however, and some
forces can throw a person off-course.
Looking back at your own life, try
tackling the exercise on this theme.
Being True
To Yourself
Introduction
This exercise invites you to do the following things.
*
Describe a specific time in your life – or an event when you were true to yourself.
Describe the situation in more detail. For example, you
may have expressed yourself fully to perform fine
work, overcome a setback or taken a stand in a
difficult situation.
*
Describe the specific things you did right – the
principles you followed – to be true to yourself in the
situation.
*
Describe the lessons you learned from the experience.
The specific time when
I was true to myself was:
* When I
Here is a fuller description of the situation
*
*
*
The specific things I did right –
the principles I followed – to be
true to myself in the situation were:
*
*
*
The specific lessons I learned
from the experience were:
*
*
*
Following
Your Values
Introduction
People who are happy often take another step. They
clarify and follow their values. They then translate
these into action in their daily lives and work. They live
in what existentialists call ‘good faith’.
Such people often start by clarifying their values. This
can take the form of a set of values, a spiritual belief or
a ‘personal compass’ they want to follow.
This sounds simple in theory, but it can be harder in
practice. The following exercises invite you to explore
how you can do this in your own life and work.
* Clarifying your values.
Start by brainstorming the values you believe in and
put these in order of priority. One person wrote:
“The values I believe in are:
1) To encourage people.
2) To care for the environment.
3) To make beautiful things.
“The real test, however, is how I can follow these in
my daily life.”
So try clarifying your values.
My Values – The Top Three
Values I Believe In Are:
1) To
For example:
2) To
For example:
3) To
For example:
* Translating your values into action.
Looking at each value in turn, describe how you can
translate these into action. The person said:
“The toughest value to follow was ‘caring for the
environment’. Starting with my daily habits, I switched
the electricity account to a renewable energy provider;
invested in solar panelling; bought local produce; stopped
buying fruit flown from long distances and travelled more
by train, rather than by car. There is much more to do,
but I feel more in tune with my values.”
Try completing the following sentences. We will then
move on to another characteristic of happy people. One
that is strongly related to living one’s values.
My Values – Translating Them Into Action
The first value is:
1) To
The specific things I can do to
translate this value into action are:
*
*
*
The second value is:
2) To
The specific things I can do to
translate this value into action are:
*
*
*
The third value is:
3) To
The specific things I can do to
translate this value into action are:
*
*
*
Purpose
Introduction
People like to have a sense of purpose. They gain a sense
of meaning when following their vocation, delivering an
exciting project or serving something greater than
themselves.
“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life,”
said Viktor Frankl. “Everyone must carry out a concrete
assignment that demands fulfillment.” People feel more at
peace when they are pursuing their chosen purpose.
What is your purpose? How can translate this purpose into
clear principles and practice these in your daily life? Let’s
explore how you can follow these steps in your own way.
*
Focusing on your purpose.
There are many exercises that people can use to define
their purpose. Most stem from the eternal questions:
“Who am I? Where am I going? How can I get there?”
Virtually all the exercises invite you to ‘start from your
destination and work backwards’. They ask you:
-
To define what you want to
achieve in your life or work.
-
To focus on how you can do
something each day towards
achieving these goals.
Let’s explore some of these exercises.
My Picture of Success
–
My Life Goals
Introduction
Everybody is different and has different pictures of
success.
What is your picture? Looking back on your life when
you are 80, what for you will mean you have had a
successful life? This is a particularly challenging
exercise, so only do it if you feel okay about it.
The exercise invites you to ‘start from your destination’
and define your overall life-goals. People often cover
three themes when doing this exercise.
*
Positive relationships.
They focus on how they want to be remembered as a
parent, partner, friend or whatever.
*
Positive contribution.
They focus on how they want to follow their vocation,
do good work or make a positive contribution to the world.
*
Positive memories.
They focus on how they want to enjoy life, pursue
experiences and have no regrets.
You may prefer to clarify your life goals in another way.
Whatever approach you take, clarifying these goals can
act as a long-term compass. You can bear these aims in
mind when making key decisions. You can ask yourself:
“Will taking this step help me to achieve my long-term
picture of success?
My Picture of Success - My Life Goals
Looking back in later years, I will feel my life has
been successful if I have done the following things:
1) I have
For example:
*
*
*
2) I have
For example:
*
*
*
3) I have
For example:
*
*
*
My Vocation
Introduction
A person’s vocation is their calling. It is what they are
here to do. Their vocation remains constant throughout
their life. But they may express it through various
vehicles on the way towards doing valuable work.
Finding one’s vocation can take years. But it is possible
to make a start by looking back at the ‘satisfying
projects’ you have done in your life.
Looking at each of these projects in turn, what made
them satisfying? Can you see any patterns?
Vocation
Valuable
Work
Vehicles
Sometimes there is a ‘red thread’ that runs through
these projects. This key theme could be, for example,
activities such as:
* Encouraging people.
* Creating beautiful environments.
* Making things work.
* Passing on knowledge.
* Showing a better way.
* Or whatever.
The following exercise assumes you have already done
some work on clarifying the themes that run through your
most satisfying projects. It invites you to do the following
things.
*
Describe what you believe may be your vocation.
Also describe when you have expressed this theme in
the past.
*
Describe the ways you can express this vocation
through various vehicles in the future.
*
Describe the steps you can then take to do valuable
work.
As mentioned earlier, getting the right wording can take
years. But this exercise offers a starting point.
My Vocation
Looking at the themes that run through
the satisfying projects I have done in
my life, I believe my vocation may be:
* To
The specific situations where I have expressed this
theme - or similar themes - in the past have been:
*
*
*
My Vehicles
The specific things I can do to
express this vocation through
various vehicles in the future are:
* To
* To
* To
My Steps To Doing Valuable Work
The specific things I can therefore
do to try to do valuable work are:
* To
* To
* To
Control
Introduction
People like to feel in control. Feeling in control is a human
need almost as much as for oxygen, food and water
People like to feel in control to at least 7/10. This doesn’t
mean, for example, that they can predict everything that
will happen in the future. But they feel confident they can
do their best in many situations. People who don’t feel in
control may develop other symptoms, such as illness,
depression or other difficulties.
Happy people recognise what they can and can’t control.
They can control their attitude, professionalism and
certain other things. They cannot control certain outside
events or what other people think about them.
Such people therefore aim to ‘control the controllables’.
They build on what they can control and manage what
they can’t.
Laurens van der Post, the author, describes an extreme
example of this desire to feel in control. At the time he
was a prisoner of war.
One night he was informed that he would be executed the
next morning. Deciding he had nothing to lose, he asked
to be shot, rather than be beheaded. The camp
commander agreed.
Laurens says that then, quite irrationally, he felt a sudden
surge of freedom. The sentence was never carried out,
but he remembers the feeling of being in charge.
Happy people also have a sense of hope. So later we will
be looking at Ricky Snyder’s work on the psychology of
hope. You will be invited to do an exercise that focuses
on:
Will Power - your will to shape your future.
Way Power – your ability to see ways to shape your
future.
Happy people also tend to simplify their lives. They take
charge of their lives, diary, agenda and technology –
rather than let those things take charge of them.
The following pages provide exercises on each of these
themes.
Feeling In Control
Introduction
There are many exercises people can do to clarify the
extent to which they feel in control. This exercise invites
you to do two things.
*
Describe the extent to which you feel in control of your
life and work. Do this on a scale 0 – 10.
This means that you feel in charge of your life and, for
example, able to shape your future. Just go with your gut
reaction and rate the extent to feel able to be in control.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to maintain or
improve the rating.
The extent to which I feel in
control of my life and work is:
0
5
10
The specific things I can do to
maintain or improve this rating are:
1) To
2) To
3) To
Controlling
The
Controllables
Introduction
Happy people tend to be positive realists. Bearing in mind
their long-term picture of success, they put their energies
into focusing on what they can control.
They can control their attitude, professionalism and other
things. They cannot control other people or certain
outside events. They can, of course, choose their attitude
and try to influence these factors. This exercise invites
you to:
*
Describe the things you can control in your life and
work.
*
Describe the things you can’t control.
*
Describe how you can build on what you can control
Can Control
The things I can control
in my life and work are:
*
*
*
*
*
Can’t Control
The things I can’t control
in my life and work are:
*
*
*
*
*
Controlling The Controllables
The things I can do to build on what I
can control and manage what I can’t are:
*
*
*
*
*
The Hope Scale
Introduction
Ricky Snyder wrote The Psychology of Hope. He
produced an instrument that measures two factors
regarding hope. These are:
* Will Power.
Your will to shape your future.
* Way Power.
Your ability to see ways
to shape your future.
The following exercise invites you
to explore your sense of hope.
Directions
Read each item carefully. Using the scale shown
below, please select the number that best describes
you and put that number in the space provided.
Definitely False
1
Mostly False
2
Mostly True
3
Definitely True
4
The Statements
My rating on
a scale 1 - 4
1) I energetically pursue my goals.
__________
2) I can think of many ways to get out of a
jam.
__________
3) My past experiences have prepared me
well for my future.
__________
4) There are lots of ways around any
problem.
__________
5) I’ve been pretty successful in life.
__________
6) I can think of many ways to get the
things in life that are most important to
me.
7) I meet the goals I set myself.
__________
__________
8) Even when others get discouraged, I
know I can find a way to solve the
problem.
Total Score out of 32: ________
__________
The
White Room
Exercise
Introduction
Sometimes it is important to have a ‘Spring clean’ to
sort–out our lives. Clutter absorbs energy. So it is useful
to refocus on the things that are really important. Try
tackling The White Room exercise.
Imagine your life is a white room. There is nothing in it
except your family. Then go through the following steps.
*
You can put three people into your white room.
“Two people immediately came to mind: my best friend
and my partner at work,” said one person. “But the next
stage was much harder.
“Which person should I put in the room? It was a bit like
Desert Island Discs, but more serious. Eventually I chose
somebody, but that was not really the point.
“The exercise forced me to think about: a) The people
with whom I feel alive; b) The people who it would be
good to meet occasionally; c) The people with whom
there was no longer a ‘click’. I decided to spend more
time with the people who lifted my spirits.”
Who would you put in your room? Try completing the
following sentence.
The Three People
The three people I would
put into my room would be:
*
*
*
*
You can put three strengths and three goals into your
white room.
Ask yourself: “What do I find most fulfilling? What are
the three things I do best? What are the activities in
which I flow, focus and finish?” Put your top three
strengths into the room.
Then clarify your goals. Ask yourself: “What is my
picture of success? Looking back when I am 80, what for
me will mean I have had a successful life? What are my
personal and professional goals?”
Put your top three goals into the room. Later you can
make an action plan for achieving this picture of success.
Try completing the following sentences.
The Three Strengths
The three strength I have that I
would put into my room would be:
*
*
*
The Three Goals
The three goals I have that I
would put into my room would be:
*
*
*
*
You can put three possessions and three other things
into your white room.
Time to treat yourself. List the three possessions you
want to put into the room. One person found a ‘creative’
way around this, saying:
“Assuming I am allowed to put in my home and pets, I
would put in my computer, TV and car. But I would also
have a good clear out, because we have so much stuff
that we never use. Just looking at it takes energy.
“Regarding the three other things, it would be my
mountaineering equipment, camera and painting
materials.”
The Three Possessions
The three possessions I would
put into my room would be:
*
*
*
The Three Other Things
The three other things I would
put into my room would be:
*
*
*
After completing the exercise, you will have your family
plus fifteen items - people, strengths, goals, possessions,
other things. It can be useful to look at how to build on
these important things in the future.
The White Room exercise sounds drastic. But sometimes
we need to refocus our lives. We can then concentrate
on the people and activities that give us positive energy.
Clutter can soon appear, however, and then it will be
time for a new spring clean.
So try completing the final two parts of the exercise.
Creativity
Introduction
Happy people tend to do things in which they feel
stimulated and creative. They often do this by going
through the process of absorption, adventure and
achievement.
Sometimes they experience a state of flow. Mihaly
Csikszentmihalyi wrote about this in his book Flow: The
Psychology of Optimal Experience.
Happy people also continue to learn. This enables them
to feel alive and develop in their lives and work. So let’s
begin by focusing on when you feel creative.
Feeling
Creative
Introduction
When do you feel most creative? This may be, for
example, when you are gardening, painting, writing,
leading a project, teaching, delivering something by a
specific deadline or whatever.
This exercise invites you to do the following things.
*
Describe when you feel most creative.
*
Describe how you can do more of these things.
*
Describe the benefits of taking these steps.
The times when I
feel most creative are:
* When I
* When I
* When I
The steps I can take to do
more of these things are:
* I can
* I can
* I can
The benefits of doing
these things will be:
* To
* To
* To
Flow
Introduction
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi’s work on flow provides one of
the keys to helping people to clarify when they feel
creative.
He spent decades studying when people felt fully
absorbed in an experience and also performed fine work.
He studied painters, sculptors, surgeons, athletes,
people recovering from accidents and people from all
walks of life.
Many of these examples are recounted in his book Flow:
The Psychology of Optimal Experience. He says:
“Many of the interviewees described their feeling as
‘being carried away by a force greater than myself,’ or
‘being in a current,’ or ‘being in flow’. I chose the last of
these analogies as being the most simple.”
Sometimes the flow experience may seem to ‘just
happen’. But the following pages list the steps that
people often taken to create a sense of flow. People can
then follow these principles in the future. They may then
flow, focus, finish and, as a by-product, gain a sense of
fulfilment.
These ideas are followed by an exercise you can use to
explore the times when you experience flow. You can
then follow these principles to feel creative in the future.
Flow
Mihaly's study says that people
enjoy a sense of flow when:
1) They tackle a task which they have a
chance of completing.
2) They concentrate on what they are doing.
3) They have clear goals.
4) They get immediate feedback.
5) They experience a deep and effortless
involvement that removes the frustrations
of everyday life.
6) They enjoy a sense of control over their
actions.
7) They find their concern for self disappears,
but paradoxically their sense of self
emerges stronger.
8) They find the experience is so enjoyable
that their sense of time disappears.
Flow
Introduction
This exercise invites you to explore how you can
continue to experience a sense of flow. It invites you to
do three things.
*
Describe a specific activity in which you experience a
sense of flow. Try to give some examples of when
this has happened.
*
Describe the specific things you believe you may do
right then – the principles you may follow - to
experience a sense of flow.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to follow some
of these principles in the future – in either this or
other activities - to maybe experience a sense of flow.
The specific activity in which
I experience a sense of flow is:
* When I
Here are some examples
of when this has happened:
*
*
*
The specific things I do right then
– the principles I follow – to
experience a sense of flow are:
* To
* To
* To
* To
* To
The specific things I can do to follow
some of these principles and maybe
experience a sense of flow in the future are:
* To
* To
* To
* To
* To
Being The Best
You Can Be
Introduction
Happy people aim to do their best. They build on their
strengths and manage the consequences of their
weaknesses. They aim to become the best kind of
person, parent, teacher, artist or whatever they can be.
They recognise that:
“A rose can become a better rose, it cannot become a
daffodil.”
Such people aim to keep improving. But they accept who
they are, rather than negatively compare themselves
with others. They then aim to do the best they can in
relation to their potential. So let’s explore some
exercises on these themes.
Building On
Strengths
Introduction
Peak performers build on their strengths and manage the
consequences of their weaknesses. This exercise invites
you to clarify how you can do this in your work. You can
obviously follow similar principles in other areas of your
life. It invites you to take the following steps.
* Describe the deeply satisfying activities where you
deliver – or have the potential to deliver – As rather
then Bs or Cs.
These may be particular kinds of projects, tasks or
other activities. Try to be as specific as possible. Give
concrete examples. Please note: the emphasis is on
the word ‘Deliver’.
* Describe the activities in which you deliver Bs or Cs.
The B activities are probably those you can do
reasonably well. They are not your As, however, or
maybe they once were, but now you get bored
doing them. The C activities are those where you
have little aptitude or desire to learn.
* Describe how you can build on your strengths and
manage the consequences of your weaknesses.
Try completing the following exercise.
My A Strengths
As. The deeply satisfying activities,
projects or other tasks where I deliver –
or have the potential to deliver - As are:
1)
For example:
*
*
*
2)
For example:
*
*
*
3)
For example:
*
*
*
My Bs and Cs
Bs. The activities where I deliver Bs are:
*
*
*
Cs. The activities where I deliver Cs are:
*
*
Building On My Strengths
The specific things I can do to
build on where I deliver As are:
*
*
*
Managing My Weaknesses
The specific things I can do to manage
the consequences of my Bs and Cs are:
*
*
*
Doing My Best
Introduction
John Wooden, the college basketball coach, was revered
for his ability to build winning teams. At the same time,
however, he seldom talked about winning.
He encouraged athletes to be ‘more concerned with their
character’, rather than with fame. One of his quotes is:
“Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of selfsatisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the
best you are capable of becoming.”
The following exercise invites you to focus on how you
can do your best in your life and work.
The specific things I do can to
my best in my life and work are:
1) To
For example:
*
*
*
2)
For example:
*
*
*
3)
For example:
*
*
*
The benefits of doing
these things will be:
1) To
2) To
3) To
Peace
Introduction
Happy people often experience a sense of peace.
Sometimes this may result from a feeling of gratitude
and also doing their best. Different people may do
different things to enjoy this feeling. For example:
*
They may put themselves in places and situations
where they experience a sense of peace.
*
They may do things that lead to them experiencing a
sense of peace.
*
They may sometimes spread a calm and positive
feeling that enables others to experience a sense of
peace.
Some people experience a sense of peace in their work
by following the peak performer’s path. (See illustration
on the next page.)
Peak performers often start by following their passion
and translating this into a clear purpose. They may aim
to write a book, find a medical cure, become the best
kind of athlete they can be or whatever. They aim to be
super professional, solve problems and achieve peak
performance.
Some people stop at this stage, but others go on. They
pass on their knowledge to help others to succeed.
Providing they have done their best, they may feel a
sense of peace. People then rest for a while, before
embarking again on pursuing the peak performer’s path.
The Peak Performer’s Path
Peace
Passing On Knowledge
Peak Performance
Problem Solving
Professionalism
Purpose
Passion
Some people may enjoy a sense of peace for fleeting
moments. Some may enjoy it for longer periods. Some
may look back at the end of their lives and feel that –
despite making mistakes – they have done their best.
The following exercises invite you to do the following
things.
*
Describe the things you can do to enjoy a sense of
peace.
*
Describe the things you can do to maybe help others
enjoy a sense of peace.
Here are the exercises.
A Sense of Peace
Introduction
This exercise invites you to focus on when you enjoy a
sense of peace. For example, it could be:
*
When you are in certain places where you feel calm.
For example, when you are close to water, at home,
or in a certain part of the country.
*
When you are in certain situations. For example,
when doing certain kinds of work, working with
certain kind of people or whatever.
*
What you are doing certain things. For example,
when following your values, playing to your
strengths, giving your best or whatever.
The times when I experience
a sense of peace are:
1) When I
2) When I
3) When I
The steps I can take to do
more of these things are:
1) I can
2) I can
3) I can
Creating A
Sense of Peace
Introduction
This exercise invites you to focus on when you may help
to create a sense of peace when interacting with other
people. For example:
*
When you help to create a calm and positive
atmosphere.
*
When you help to create an environment in which
people feel able to be themselves.
*
When you help to create an environment in which
people are able to find – as far as possible – ‘win-win’
solutions to potential conflicts.
The times when I help to create
an environment in which people
experience a sense of peace are:
1) When I
2) When I
3) When I
The steps I can take to do
more of these things are:
1) I can
2) I can
3) I can
Wisdom
Introduction
Some people have a certain kind of wisdom. They see
things in perspective and pass on knowledge that
enables other people to succeed.
Many of the wise people I have met have been warm and
welcoming. They made the person they were talking with
feel the centre of the world. They also embodied the
following qualities.
*
They tuned into what people really wanted.
They recognised that most people want to be loved,
happy, successful and find people. The wise person often
tuned into things on this level – in addition to answering
the question a person asked.
*
They shared ‘what works’ to help people to get what
they wanted.
Wise people often studied what worked, simplified what
worked – in a profound way – and shared what worked.
They shared this knowledge in a way that people could
accept and use to achieve their goals.
*
They shared other wisdom that people could use to
get what they wanted.
Wise people had often explored many fields and had a
wide repertoire. They shared this knowledge when
appropriate. Sometimes the ideas were immediately
relevant. Other times the knowledge opened people’s
eyes to other possibilities. People could then use the
ideas in their own ways.
Wisdom
Introduction
This exercise invites you to do the following things.
*
Describe the people you have known who showed or
shared wisdom.
*
Describe the specific things they did to show or share
wisdom.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to show or
share wisdom in your own way.
Here is the exercise.
The wise people I have known
Their name: ___________
The specific things things they did
to show or share wisdom were:
*
*
*
Their name: ___________
The specific things things they did
to show or share wisdom were:
*
*
*
The specific things I can do to try to
show or share wisdom in my own way are:
* To
* To
* To
Generosity
Introduction
Happy people are often generous. They love to give to
others and help people to succeed.
How do we learn generosity? Some learn it from their
spiritual or religious traditions. Some from their parents,
friends, teachers, managers, leaders and others. Some
learn it from growing up in a culture that encouraged
people to give.
Generous people are often like good gardeners. They
create an environment that enables people and things to
grow. They may aim to create an encouraging family,
school, work place, organisation, culture or whatever.
The culture they create can reach many people and
create a lasting legacy.
Generous people seem to follow certain guidelines for
creating such an environment. They sometimes do this by
combining elements that, at first sight, may seem
contradictory. They balance encouragement and
enforcement. So they often provide the following
framework.
*
Encouragement
They start by providing encouragement.
* Education
They then provide – in its widest sense – education. This
includes providing positive models and practical tools that
people can use to get positive results.
* Enablement
They provide wisdom, knowledge and practical tools that
enable people to grow.
* Enforcement
They maintain the encouraging framework. So they are
prepared to enforce against those who want to spoil it for
others.
The following pages provide a summary of this approach
and also invite you to do exercises on the theme of
generosity.
The Art of Generosity
Generous people create an environment that
enables people and things to grow.
They do this by providing a framework that focuses
on encouragement, education, enablement and,
paradoxically, enforcement. They are prepared to
protect the environment from people who want to
spoil it for others.
So they provide the following framework.
Encouragement
E
n
f
o
r
c
e
m
e
n
t
People and
things can grow
Enablement
E
d
u
c
a
t
i
o
n
Generosity
–
My Experiences
Introduction
Many of us learn from positive models. So this exercise
invites you to explore your own experiences of
generosity. It invites you to do the following things.
*
Describe the times in your life when you have been
on the receiving end of generosity.
*
Describe the specific things that the person – or the
people – did to show generosity.
Here is the exercise.
The times in my life when I have been on
the receiving end of generosity have been:
1) When
The specific things that the person – or
people – did to show generosity were:
* They
* They
* They
2) When
The specific things that the person – or
people – did to show generosity were:
* They
* They
* They
3) When
The specific things that the person – or
people – did to show generosity were:
* They
* They
* They
Generosity
–
Being Generous
Introduction
“The giver often receives as much as the receiver,” said
Alec Dickson, the founder of Voluntary Service Overseas
and Community Service Volunteers. This exercise invites
you to do the following things.
*
Describe the specific things you can do to be
generous towards people in your life and work.
*
Describe the benefits of doing these things.
Here is the exercise.
The specific things I can do to be generous
towards people in my life and work are:
1) To
2) To
3) To
The benefits of doing
these things will be:
1) To
2) To
3) To
The Happiness Pack
Conclusion
There are many approaches to helping people to shape
their happiness. This pack has provided an introduction
to some of the ideas.
Please take the ideas you like and use these in your own
way. If you would like any more information, contact me
at:
mike@thepositiveapproach.global
Also contact me if you would like The Super Teams Pack,
The Career Development Pack, The Appreciative Inquiry
Pack or other materials.
--------------