Introduction
• Thank-you for being a member of this
program
• Please take with you the information that is
valuable to you from this program
• Respect that others are here to do the same
• Feel free to ask questions at any time
Day 1:
Self Disclosure, Boundaries, & Trust
~ Whenever you are ready to stop telling
your emotions what they should be,
they will tell you what they really are.~
- John Powell
Effective communication
• When a person interprets a message in the
way that the sender intended it
Why is this important?
• Our ability to communicate impacts every
relationship in our lives (e.g. With spouses,
children, friends, etc)
• It also impacts our understanding of
ourselves
- We learn about ourselves through our
relationships with others
Self advocacy
• To stand up for oneself
• Expressing opinions according to personal
thoughts
Self disclosure
• Revealing information about your thoughts,
feelings, or life experiences to another
person
• Essential for healthy relationships
- Allows others to get to know you and you to get
to know others
- Allows you to identify common goals, needs,
interests, activities, and values with others
Effective self disclosures
1. Are more about feelings than facts
2. Have breadth (number of topics) and
depth (amount revealed on a topic)
3. Focus on the present
4. Must be reciprocal
Benefits of self disclosures
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Validate our own ideas about the world
Increase our self-awareness
Help us manage stress and adversity
Feels good to be known intimately
Finding the balance
• If someone has been untrustworthy, it would
be foolish to continue to disclose to that
person
• Go slowly, allow time to build trust
• Give people less critical information first
and see how they handle it, then work up to
bigger disclosures accordingly
Trust your instincts
• Everyone has a choice about how much of
themselves to reveal to other people
• Increased awareness of feelings and context
help in determining how much information
to give
Boundaries
• Limits or rules that define you as separate
from others
• Promote integrity
• Help to define self
• Can be divided into categories:
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Emotional
Social
Physical
Sexual
Boundaries depend on context
• Context includes 3 things:
• Your thoughts and feelings
• Who you are with
• Where you are
• Behavior that is appropriate in one context
may be unhealthy or harmful in another
Thoughts and feelings
• Give us valuable information about
boundaries
• Allow you to consider how others treat you,
and how much to trust them
• We are sometimes taught to ignore them
Who you are speaking with
• What is the relationship?
• What is the culture?
• We learn about boundaries by the ways that we are treated as children
• What have you taught the person so far about
your boundaries?
• We teach people where our boundaries are by the way we let them
treat us
• Has this person been respectful of your
boundaries in the past?
• With some people, we need to be more active in protecting our
boundaries
Where you are
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What is the environment like?
Are you familiar with this place?
What resources are available?
Is there privacy from other people?
Emotional boundaries
• How do you identify and express your
feelings and emotions to others?
• (e.g.. What personal information will you give out?)
• How do you respond to the feelings of
others?
• How do you allow others to treat you?
• (e.g.. What can people say to you?)
• What relationships do you keep, and what
relationships do you back away from?
Social boundaries
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How do you interact with other people?
When do you interact with other people?
What are your rules about privacy?
How close or distant should people be?
Physical boundaries
• How close is your body is from other
people’s bodies?
• How do you share physical space?
• Who, how and when do you touch or allow
touch?
• Context
Sexual boundaries
• What is ok for you, in terms of any sexual
acts or expression of sexuality?
• Are interconnected with elements from
physical, emotional, and social boundaries
• If sexual intimacy is not grounded in respect
for boundaries, it can lead to problems in
the relationship (e.g. Pain, rejection)
Boundary violations
• When someone knowingly or unknowingly
crosses the emotional, physical, spiritual, or
sexual limits of another
• Two types of boundary violations:
• Intrusion
• Distance
Intrusion and Distance
• Intrusion
• When a physical or emotional
boundary is breached
• Distance
• When intimacy is less than appropriate
to the relationship
How to build boundaries
• Increase self awareness
• Identify childhood violations and the
offenders, become aware of resulting
feelings, and get care for that damage
• Examine the state of your boundaries in
current relationships, clean them up!
Defending boundaries
• Our ability to protect ourselves is related to
the strength of our boundaries
• If we don’t develop clear boundaries, we are
more likely to be violated
• Weak boundaries lead to a weak self-image
• If we don’t defend our boundaries, we tell
our minds and bodies that they are not
important
Trust
• Openness and sharing with others
- Being willing to make yourself vulnerable
in hopes of gaining something positive
• Constantly changes in relationships
Disrupting Trust
• Rejection, ridicule, or disrespect to
openness
• Lack of reciprocation to openness
• Refusal to disclose thoughts and
feelings after the other person has been
accepting, supportive, and cooperative
Strengthening trust
• Support for personal process
• Acceptance of differences
• Enhancement of our uniqueness
• Permission for expression
• Respect for feelings
• The right to say “no”
• The freedom to say “yes”
Empowerment
• Regardless of what has happened to you in
the past, you have the right to defend your
boundaries from now on
• It is never too late to build healthy
boundaries
• When you protect yourself, you empower
yourself
Day 2: Listening skills
~ The beginning of wisdom is silence.
The second stage is listening.~
Listening skills
1. Attending
2. Following
3. Reflecting
Attending
• A posture of involvement
• Lean in, look attentive
• Appropriate body movement
• Eye contact
• Non-distracting environment
Body language:
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Posture
Eye contact
Gestures
Facial expressions
Tone of voice
Breathing
Following
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Welcome the conversation
Give little encourages (yes, go on, really?)
Ask some questions
Be silent!
Protect other person from your attacks!
Reflecting
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Paraphrase – Repeat in your own words
Briefly say what you think the feelings are
Briefly say what you think the meaning is
Briefly say your understanding of the main
themes
Roadblocks
• High risk ways of responding to others
• Include:
 Judging
 Solution Sending
 Avoiding concerns
Active Listening
• Concentrating on reflecting the feelings that
we hear and don't hear
• Requires reading between the lines
• Creates free and open space without
judgment
Active Listening
• Shows that you care and understand the
other person
– People will enjoy talking to you and will open
up more
• If you have misunderstood, the talker can
immediately correct your impressions
– You learn more about people.
• Usually directs the conversation towards
important emotional topics
Active Listening
• Elicits acceptance and welcomes more
intimate, personal topics
• Makes it safe to talk about "deep" subjects,
so the talker can relax and more accurately
express him or her self
• Reduces our irritation with others because
we understand
– To understand is to forgive
Active Listening
• May reduce prejudice or negative
assumptions about others
– Discover everyone is "understandable."
• Fosters more meaningful, helpful, and
closer friendships
• Empathy is one of the more important skills
you will ever acquire
– Few people do it well
Empathy
• We often assume things about people,
despite having little or no information
• Everyone is trying to do the best they can
with what they know and feel at that
moment
• Try to become persuaded by the other
person’s position
Day 3: Behavior styles
~We must be the change we wish to see
in the world.~
- Mahatma Ghandi
Behavior styles
• Passiveness - Not advocating for personal
rights
• Aggressiveness - Threatening or violating
the rights of others
• Assertiveness - Standing up for your rights
while acknowledging the rights of others
Choose for yourself!
• Assertive behavior is the most effective in
most situations
• However, it can be wise to be submissive or
aggressive in some situations
• In general, being assertive helps people
develop the power of choice over their
actions
Six steps for assertion
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Prepare yourself
Send the message
Be silent
Listen reflectively (expect defensiveness)
Recycle steps 2-4 as necessary
Focus on finding a solution
Preparing yourself
• Write your message down
• Practice sending it and responding to
defensiveness
• Do not begin with small talk
• Make an appointment with the person
Before asserting, ask yourself:
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Is this appropriate?
Am I invading the other person’s rights?
Is there a base of trust?
Is this a persistent concern?
Am I likely to get my needs met?
How do I assert myself?
Behaviors
+
Feelings
+
Effects
(Then stop talking!)
Stating the behavior
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Be specific
Only refer to behaviors
Be objective, not judgmental
Be brief
Assert about real issues
Assert to the right person
Disclosing your feelings
1. Give your true feelings
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2.
3.
4.
5.
What was the first feeling?
Express intensity of feeling accurately
Avoid using judgmental words
Listen to your body
Listen to your emotions
Clarify the effect
1.
2.
3.
4.
Be concrete
Avoid imposing your values on others
Only speak about the effect on you
Talk about the real effect, not something
that seems more acceptable
After asserting yourself:
• Be silent
• Practice reflective listening, try to reduce
the defensiveness
• Answer any questions with reflective
listening
• Reassert your message when necessary
• Persist – It usually takes 3-10 repetitions
How the other person responds
• Acknowledge emotional responses, offer to
reconvene later
• If the person withdraws (won’t say anything),
reflect their behavior and reassert yourself
• If the person continues to withdraw, suggest a
solution and say that you would like to meet
in a week to discuss how well it worked
Defensiveness
• Often occurs when people are told that they
are causing a negative effect
• Breeds more defensiveness
• Often blocks constructive communication
• Respond to it with reflective listening and
when necessary, repeating your message
Use body language that says:
• I know what I want
• I expect to have my needs met
• I respect you
When someone becomes hostile
1.
2.
3.
4.
Attempt to stop the hostile behavior
Avoid becoming emotionally involved
Accept other person’s feelings
(Perhaps) suggest an alternate way of
resolving the conflict
Day 4: Conflict Management
and Problem Solving
~A problem well defined is half solved.~
Conflict
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Unavoidable
Can be disruptive and/ or destructive
Can cause positive change
Helps us understand ourselves better
Best to try to solve as early as possible
Two types of conflict:
• Realistic
• Opposing needs, goals, means, values or
interests
• Nonrealistic
• From ignorance, error, historical tradition,
prejudice, dysfunctional organizational
structure, hostility, win/ lose competition
Preventing nonrealistic conflict
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Use fewer roadblocks
Reflective listening
Assertion skills
Awareness
Emotional support
Tolerance and acceptance of others
Weighing out “costs” and “consequences”
Protecting others from attack (no harsh words or
put downs!)
Preparing for conflict
• Location – neutral ground, no distractions
• Only those involved should be there
• Contributing circumstances (e.g. Emotional
pain from grief, etc.)
• Set a time with other(s)
• No surprise attacks!
Strong emotions
• Focus on emotions first!
• Blood supply to the problem solving part of
the brain is decreased during emotional
arousal
• Try reflective listening until the strong
emotions recede
• This sends the message “How you feel
matters to me”
Conflict resolution
1. Treat the other person with respect
2. Listen until you “experience the other
side”
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Feelings
Content
Meaning
3. State your views, needs, and feelings
Demonstrate respect by:
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Listening
Maintaining eye contact
Tone of voice
Word selection
Type of reasoning
Being respectful is a true challenge!
Listen
• What is the other person saying?
• What do they mean?
• How do they feel?
Try to become persuaded by their position
Keep listening
• Repeat back what you have understood
about meaning and feelings when the other
person is finished talking
• Do not defend yourself against verbal
remarks
• Do not say “I know how you feel”
• You do not have to agree to listen
State your views, feelings, or needs
• Only after the other person feels heard
• Be brief
• Mean what you say – don’t over or under
exaggerate
• Avoid loaded words (i.e. that imply
judgment, etc.)
Evaluate the conflict
• What was learned?
• Was anyone hurt?
• How useful was the fight in terms of
developing the relationship?
• How well did I use the techniques?
• How could I improve?
Potential outcomes to conflict
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Emotional connectedness
Personal growth
Other person may change
Creative problem solving
Deeper relationships
Problem Solving
Win/lose problem solving
1.
2.
3.
4.
Denial
Avoidance
Passive behavior
Giving in
Dominance - Aggressive behavior
Collaborative problem solving
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Define the problem
Brainstorm solutions
Select a solution
Make a plan
Act out the plan
Evaluate
Define the problem
• According to needs
• Distinguish between means and ends
• Why does each person want their proposed
solution?
• What are the absolute needs of each person?
Brainstorming
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Go for quantity, not quality
Do not clarify or evaluate yet
Be open to “crazy ideas”
Expand on each others ideas
List all ideas
Select a solution
• Ask other person/ people which solutions
they would prefer
• Say what you would prefer
• Check for matches
• Jointly choose the solutions to the problem
together
• Called a consensus
Make an action plan
• Write out the agreement
• Have each person state what they plan to do
• Arrange a time to meet again to discuss how
well the solution is working
Act out the plan
• Do what you said you would
• If other person doesn’t come through,
assertion and reflective listening may be
needed
Evaluate
• Meet a few days or a week later
• Discuss how well the solution is working
• If necessary, brainstorm additional solutions
and create a new and improved action plan
Important reminders:
• Address emotions first
• Define problems according to needs
• Do not evaluate or clarify solutions when
brainstorming
• Work out the details
• Follow to ensure everyone’s satisfaction
with solution
• Try to discover any underlying problems
~ The End ~