Defining Circles
By: Jennifer Staat
Book I
Circles of Life, Circles of Grief
“So much has been given me, I have no time to
ponder over that which has been denied.”
- Helen Keller
“May you live all the days of your life.”
- Swift
1
– Chapter 1 –
Charlie didn’t want Carrie to go to the doctor’s appointment with him. He knew what Dr.
Tyson was going to tell him. He felt it deep within him that the cancer had come back.
As he sat at the traffic light, Charlie reflected on those four months he had been cancer free.
He and Carrie took the kids to Disneyworld and Universal Studios for two weeks. Then, just a
month after Disneyland, he and Carrie went to Rome to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of their
first date.
But just days after returning to their hometown, Charlie started feeling ill. He felt bloated
looked jaundiced, and he felt so tired. Carrie insisted he go to see Dr. Tyson. A highly respected and
kind man, Dr. Tyson had been Charlie’s oncologist since the initial diagnosis of the rain tumor two
years before.
As Charlie parked his car in the lot, he grimaced. The pain in his abdomen had come back.
He slowly climbed the two flights of stairs to Dr. Tyson’s office. He knew, in time, he would be too
weak to not use the elevator.
“Good afternoon, Charlie. I was hoping not to see you back here so soon,” Gloria, Dr. Tyson’s
receptionist said, smiling sympathetically.
“Yeah, you know me. I can’t stand being away too long.” Charlie could barely muster a
smile this time.
He flipped through a three month old Sports Illustrated without really seeing any of the
pictures. He gazed briefly at the people in the waiting room. Two had scarves around their heads
while one proudly showed off his baldness. Charlie felt the spiky fluff of the blond hair that had
finally grown back. It reminded the kids of a chick. Charlie had even let them call him Chicky-Dad,
laughing as they ran their fingers through it. Carrie had gotten it all on video. Every cancer-free
moment had been captured, well almost every moment, on video.
Carrie was pregnant. It was an amazing miracle, considering all of the radiation and
chemotherapy Charlie had been through. But their jaunt to Disneyworld had a fairy tale ending: a
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romantic dinner and a walk on the beach (while Carrie’s beloved aunt an uncle stayed with the
kids) led to a night of passion like they had not had since cancer became so much of their life
together.
Now, at three months pregnant, Carrie felt wonderful. Her breasts slightly swollen and her
belly, a tiny pouch, filled Charlie with so much warmth and love that tears came to his eyes.
Feeling slightly embarrassed, Charlie wiped his eyes with his handkerchief. His thoughts
then quickly turned to the obvious: would he be there for this new baby? Would he get to the
delivery room, to cut this little one’s cord? Would he get to change diapers at 3:30 in the morning
before placing him in Carrie’s arms?
Charlie willed himself to think of other things. He thought about the meeting he had the
following week with three big sponsors of the radio station WRDM, “Redemption Radio.” The
station had been his second home since his junior year internship. As news director, Charlie had
meetings with sponsors regularly and had developed god relationships with them, both personally
and professionally. He knew that Luke and Claudia would be shocked and saddened by this recent
turn in his health. Paul would immediately ask about the course of action Charlie would take and
see to it that Charlie followed through. As a son of a Marine and a bone cancer survivor himself,
Paul’s positive attitude had really helped Charlie during his first battle.
But Charlie wondered now how much fight he had left. If the jaundice and bloating were
any indication, this cancer was serious, and in a word, vengeful.
“Charlie, Dr. Tyson will see you now.” Lydia, Dr. Tyson’s nurse and wife’s gentle southern
accent filled his ears and interrupted his troubled thoughts.
Standing up, he took a deep breath and made his way out of the silent waiting room. Cancer
cells seemed to hover in the air, making it hard for Charlie to breathe.
“Have a seat, Charlie,” Dr. Tyson said, ushering Charlie to a seat in front of the large
mahogany desk.
“Thank you,” Charlie said softly, stifling a cough.
3
“Where is Carrie?” Dr. Tyson said, taking off his medical coat and draping it on his leather
chair. “I thought she would want to be here.” Dr. Tyson sat on the small corner of his desk that was
not covered with files and medical journals. He sighed slightly, steeling himself for what he must
do.
“I wanted to do this alone. Carrie is taking the kids to see some friends of ours who moved
across town last year. We don’t see them often, and today is their daughter’s birthday. So, Carrie
being Carrie made a delicious and elaborate Strawberry Shortcake birthday cake and is delivering it
to little Olivia as we speak. Laci and Lily are so excited – they haven’t seen Olivia since Halloween.”
Charlie took a deep breath. He wished he could continue making small talk, do anything to
stop this conversation from turning into a diagnosis, a prognosis…
“Charlie, there is no real way to talk about this. I’m afraid I have bad news.”
“Where?”
“Excuse me?” Dr. Tyson sounded bewildered.
“Where is the cancer this time?”
“A small tumor in your liver; we think there may be one in your pancreas as well. However,
the only way we’ll know for sure is surgery – a laparoscopic procedure. I can do this Monday at
eight at the Outpatient Surgery Center.”
“I see. And the tumor on my liver – can you remove it surgically?”
“Yes, but I would like to have it smaller first which means…”
“I know, I know – chemotherapy and radiation. But if there is one in my pancreas, I’m dead.
It’s the worst place to get a tumor. I’m no dummy. I read medical journals, too, Dr. Tyson. Well, a
few articles anyway.”
4
“Charlie, I never said you were a dummy. And there is a chance you may not even have a
pancreatic tumor. I just have a suspicion based on your symptoms. And with chemotherapy and
radiation, you have time…”
“Time, not enough time.
Carrie’s pregnant.
We’re amazed ourselves,” Charlie said
responding to Dr. Tyson’s incredulous look. “Tell me, Dr. Tyson, what happens if I don’t do chemo
and radiation?”
“Then you will die, and it will be a death most welcome because you will suffer terribly.
Charlie, your best options are chemo and radiation. Charlie, don’t make any rash decisions. The
first thing we need to do is the laparoscopy to see if it is pancreatic cancer as well. Then we’ll go
from there. And, you know I strongly believe in the power of prayer and other more holistic
treatments with the traditional protocols.”
Charlie gazed at the doctor with a mixture of sadness and admiration. Worry lines etched
around his mouth and genuine concern furrowed his brow. Dr. Tyson was a good man, a family
man, who genuinely cared about his patients. A man whose heart ached whenever he had to give
someone this life changing news.
“I’ll be there at what, 7:30? I’m supposed to meet with my sponsors next week, but I can
reschedule or Peter Darce can do it. He proved his worth when I went through this hell the first
time.”
Charlie put the information into his Blackberry and took a deep breath. He stared at his
screensaver, a picture of them at Disneyworld. The kids were smiling broadly and wearing their
Mickey Mouse ears. Carrie beamed as she held Benjamin close to her. She was wearing the Goofy
hat Charlie had bought for her that morning. Tears filled his eyes and anger swelled in his chest,
constricting his breathing for a moment.
“Damn this cancer,” Charlie mumbled rubbing his eyes.
“Yes, Charlie. Damn this cancer. But thank God for this life,” Dr. Tyson said with a
determined resolve.
5
“Yes. Thank God.”
Charlie knew it was right and wise to agree.
6
– Chapter 2 –
“Charlie, why didn’t you let me go with you? Olivia’s birthday was not nearly as important
as this!” Carrie was at the stove, stirring zucchini, onions, and mushrooms in a sauté pan. The
brown rice was simmering in a pot next to the pan. Carrie had tears I her eyes. She felt angry; at
the same time however, she felt her heart break. Charlie had cancer. Again.
“I didn’t want Laci and Lily to miss this chance to be with Olivia. You know how much they
miss her. Besides, Olivia adored the cake, and what good would have come from you going? I told
you everything Dr. Tyson told me.”
“This just can’t be happening. I hoped, I prayed that you had like hepatitis, but this…”
Carrie began to sob.
Charlie took Carrie into his arms. She cried softly onto his shoulder. He smoothed her hair
and inhaled deeply. The smell of garlic and olive oil permeated the air along with the lavender
lotion Carrie liked to wear during the chilly fall days.
“Carrie, honey, we can fight this. Dr. Tyson says that chemo and radiation can give me more
time…”
“But if it’s in your pancreas…”
“Yes, I know. Dr. Tyson said he thinks it’s there, and the odds, well, there not good. But I
can do everything I can to kill this cancer before it kills me.”
Carrie broke free from Charlie’s arms and turned off the burner. She then walked to the
refrigerator and pulled out a block of Parmesan cheese. Charlie took out the grater and smiled as
Carrie handed him the cheese.
“Momma, when’s dinner? I’m as hungry as a bear!” Thomas Gabriel had wandered into the
kitchen just as Carrie had made her way back to the stove.
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“Well, little cub, when your Daddy is done grating the cheese, I’ll be dishing it up. Tell your
brother and sisters to go wash up. You too,” Carrie said, tousling her oldest child’s feathery brown
hair.
“Momma, have you been crying?” Thomas Gabriel’s seriousness pierced her heat as he
looked at her with those blue eyes. Charlie’s eyes.
“C’mon son, go wash up now. Your momma was dicing onions – that’s what made her cry.
Go on now.”
Thomas Gabriel shrugged and called to his siblings to follow him into the half bath that was
off to the right of the kitchen. Carrie began serving up plates of the rice and vegetables while
Charlie poured milk into glasses and Benjamin’s sippy cup.
Charlie took the full plated and placed them on the table. He squeezed Carrie’s shoulder as
their children tottered into the room. Carrie scooped up Benjamin and placed him in his booster
seat. Benjamin rubbed his eyes as Laci took his free hand. He hadn’t taken his nap because of
Olivia’s birthday party, and it appeared that he would soon be asleep.
“Lily, lead us in prayer,” Carrie said, taking Thomas Gabriel’s hand.
“Father God, thank you for this food and our family. Thank you for Olivia and her party. It
was fun. Amen.”
“Amen.”
Laci and Lily chattered all through dinner about Olivia’s party. Each agreed that the best
part was when they got to crack open a piñata shaped like Strawberry Shortcake. Thomas Gabriel
had been the one to break it wide open on his first turn.
“That’s my man! Coach Farber will be pleased to know how strong your swing had gotten,”
Charlie said, high fiving Thomas who beamed with his Father’s praise.
8
Charlie tried his best to eat, but the pain in his abdomen had returned, as did the feeling of
being bloated.
Carrie sensed her husband’s discomfort and steered the conversation to the
wedding she and her brother were catering in two weekends.
“There are 250 guests coming from all over the country. The bride is vegan, and the
groom’s family is from Texas. It’s going to be Tex-Mex with fajitas and enchiladas and vegetarian
dishes like what you’re eating and some stuffed portabella mushrooms. Thankfully, this wedding
reception is the only one this month. It’s been difficult pleasing everybody.”
Charlie smiled as Carrie talked about her work. Carrie and her brother had been caterers
since she had graduated from culinary school three years after graduating from high school. Classic
Cuisine Catering was thriving thanks to their delicious food and word of mouth. Of course, Charlie
helped by running voice over commercials on the radio station. He was so proud of his wife, and he
wanted to do everything to show her that for as long as he had left on Earth.
“Ben fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Poor little guy, I should have let him with
Aunt Celina so he could have napped. But they all had such a good time.”
Carrie climbed into bed next to Charlie. Charlie was reading a book by Richard Paul Evans.
Carrie had picked up her journal and began writing. Carrie had faithfully kept a journal since she
was a ten-year-old girl.
“How’s your book?” Carrie asked as she held her pen in the air, pausing in her writing.
“Okay. This is more ‘chick lit’ than I thought. But it’s not bad. Maybe you should read it.”
“I did. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, so I read it in a couple of nights. You’re right, it is
‘chick lit’.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were having trouble sleeping?” Charlie put down his book, and
he turned to face his wife.
“Oh, I’m fine. I’ve just been worried about you. And now with your visit to Dr. Tyson, I have
more reason to worry. This terrifies me. I don’t want to lose you, Charlie.”
9
“I know,” Charlie said, taking her hand. “But we both know that we’ll be together again in
heaven. That being with Jesus is far greater than anything on Earth. Although I’d much rather be
here with you, the kids, the new baby…”
Tears filled Charlie’s eyes and anger filled his chest once again. Carrie took her husband
into her arms. Charlie shook and sobbed while Carrie held him close to her.
“I’m so angry! I’m so damn angry! Why did this have to happen? Why do I have to be
leaving you and the kids? When the doctor said I was cancer free, I got down on my knees and
thanked God. Now, all I feel like doing is yelling at Him… but I know why I can’t. Our God is loving,
our God is awesome…”
Carrie pulled away from Charlie. Tears glistened in her eyes. Charlie’s raw honesty had
always been one of the reasons she loved him almost her entire life. He freely spoke of his deep
faith, and he was unafraid to show his emotions. Carrie still struggled with that at times, even with
Charlie.
“I’m angry, too, Charlie. I’m angry and sad and scared. I just pray Dr. Tyson is wrong. I just
hope it’s only a tumor in your liver – an operable tumor…”
Charlie sighed heavily. He hoped that it was just a tumor in his liver as well. But deep in his
heart, he knew that his time on Earth was drawing to an end, and he couldn’t believe how much it
hurt.
10
– Chapter 3 –
Charlie lay on the gurney in the recovery room. It had been a little over an hour since the
surgery. He felt a bit dizzy and his abdominal region felt tender. Dr. Tyson would be speaking with
him later that afternoon. Charlie had spent much of his time after surgery preparing to hear the
news.
Carrie was in the waiting room, staring blankly at a list of food and other supplies she would
need for the retirement party Michael had booked at the wedding they had just catered. She didn’t
really want to take on another party when she know Charlie would need her help to take care of
him. But Charlie had insisted on Carrie taking this new assignment. He wanted Carrie to be
preoccupied with work and not worrying about his health.
Just as she was about to put her list back into her day planner, a young African American
nurse with a beautiful green eyes came into the waiting room. “Mrs. Wallace, I need to speak with a
Mrs. Carrie Wallace.”
“I’m Mrs. Wallace,” Carrie said in a voice just a touch above a whisper.
“Your husband is in recovery, and he’ll be discharged soon. I need to speak to you before he
can leave.”
Carrie stuffed the list into her planner, which she then crammed into her purse. Nodding,
she stood up and followed the nurse out of the waiting room.
***
“Can I get you something to eat, Charlie? An orange? Some chicken broth with fresh
veggies?”
“I’m not feeling much like eating right now. But thank you, Celina.”
“Don’t tell me you’re not hungry, Caroline Wallace, you need to eat. Now stop worrying and
sit down. I have this roasted vegetable pita pocket with sun-dried tomato mayonnaise dressing that
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I’ve been wanting to add to the lunch menu. You’re the perfect on to try it and see if it deserves a
spot. It has a bit of goat cheese, but you can’t eat that, so tell me what you think of it without it.”
Carrie sat down and began eating the pita pocket. It tasted wonderful, and she ate it all
without a word. When she had finished, she drank her vitamin water and tenderly rubbed the small
swell in her middle.
“That is definitely menu worthy. You’re an amazing cook, Aunt Celina. And the pita pocket
was delicious.”
“It ought to be. I made two different doughs before it came out the way I wanted it. Now, I
do have a new almond biscotti I’d like you to try. It’s a recipe from Liza’s great aunt. Liza said it’s
heaven on a plate. I think it’s good, but it needs something.”
Carrie ate a piece of the biscotti. Her aunt was right – it needed something, but she wasn’t
quite sure what that was. Charlie, too, took a bite and sat back in his chair to think about it. Then
he sat up straight in his chair and snapped his fingers only a few minutes later.
“Chocolate. Dip one side in chocolate! White chocolate, dark chocolate… whatever. Just dip
it in chocolate, and everyone will devour them. Everybody knows chocolate is the next best thing to
sex for a woman.”
Carrie blushed and Celina giggled. It was wonderful to hear her nephew – in – law sound so
enthusiastic about something when they all knew what lay ahead in just a matter of a couple of
hours.
Celina put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder and looked lovingly in her niece’s eyes. “Perhaps
Charlie should be put in charge of advertising or marketing of my little café and bakery.”
The light heartedness of her dear Aunt’s voice seemed to lift Carrie’s spirits. Charlie smiled
warmly at her as she reached across the table to hold his hand.
“Charlie does seem to know what we ladies like. The food was excellent, Celina. But I think
we need to be heading back to Dr. Tyson’s now. Thank you again for watching the kids. Benjamin
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really shouldn’t sleep much past 2:30, and make sure Thomas Gabriel studies his spelling words.
Make sure Laci and Lily do their flash cards. The flash cards are in this green basket. Lily definitely
needs to review subtraction while Laci could use more time on addition, especially on her 8’s and
9’s.
Before Carrie could continue, Charlie put his free hand up against Carrie’s lips. He then
turned to look at Celina.
“Carrie, Aunt Celina has been mothering since the ‘60s, let’s give her some credit now. We’ll
be back home around four, Celina. You and Roger are welcome to stay for dinner. Thomas Gabriel
would love it if Roger stayed so they could work on that model racecar together. The kids are going
to need some happy distractions, I think.”
Charlie looked away, not wanting to see the tears and pain in Celina and Carrie’s eyes. How
he sometimes wished he could be going through this alone so he could spare his loved ones all this
heartache.
“We would be delighted to,” Celina said, dabbing her eyes with a green-checkered
dishtowel. “In fact, I think I might make my portabella and eggplant Parmesan with homemade
marinara. Roger made some delicious lemon tarts this morning. I’ll ask him to bring some home
for dessert. He always makes a few extra for dessert or a midnight snack. The café has been closed
for note eve half an hour yet, so I should be able to catch him.”
Celina kissed her niece’s swollen little pouch and her nephew-in-law’s cheek and shooed
them on their way out the door. After shutting the front door behind them and hearing Charlie start
the car, Celina sunk to the floor and sobbed. Her bitter tears spilled into her lap as she sat there
with her back to the door. Soon, her tears subsided, and she began to pray for her family, especially
Charlie.
***
Charlie clutched Carrie’s hand as they sat in Dr. Tyson’s office. It was a little after three, and
Dr. Tyson was running a little late. Gloria had not wanted to tell Charlie why, but the crack in her
voice told him that one of his patients had lost the battle with cancer that day.
13
Charlie looked around the office. Picture frames graced the walls. Dr. Tyson and Lydia had
two daughters and a son. Their oldest daughter had blessed them with three grandsons, and their
youngest child, their son, had two daughters. Their middle child, Suzanne, was born blind and
taught at a school for blind children in Minnesota. One of the reasons Charlie liked Dr. Tyson so
much was how highly he valued family and faith.
Carrie kept staring at Charlie’s hand as if she was trying to memorize it. She loved how his
hand felt in hers. It felt like a warm and comforting blanket on a chilled night. She felt protected
and safe. But just being near Charlie made her feel that way. As much as she tried to push the fear
that was squeezing inside her chest away, it choked her words as Dr. Tyson made his way into the
office.
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– Chapter 4 –
“I’m sorry to be so late. One of my patients passed away this morning. She was a true gem
of a woman.” Dr. Tyson’s expression remained grim as he opened the file folder on his desk. He
took off his glasses and wiped his eyes with a blue handkerchief. He then met the expectant gaze of
Charlie’s eyes with a mixture of sorrow and compassion.
“Charlie, I’m glad you brought Carrie. You two are going to need each other more than ever.
I’m afraid my suspicions were correct. There is a mass near or on your pancreas. We couldn’t
really determine how big it is because these tumors are hard to see. But there is definitely
something there that should not be.”
“I wish I could tell you that after some chemotherapy and radiation we could operate and
get it all, but I’m afraid this is very aggressive and it’s already affecting your liver. But what chemo
and radiation can give you is some more time. Without it, you could have only a couple of weeks.
With treatment, you could have a year. Unfortunately, however, your cancer could spread during
that time as well. Either way, your cancer is terminal. I’m so very sorry that this has happened to
you… to both of you.”
Carrie sobbed into her hands, and Charlie stared at a picture of Dr. Tyson holding one of his
grandchildren. The sorrowful realization that he would never hold a grandchild of his own gripped
his hear like a vise. A year, maybe less. How could this be happening? There was so much left to
do: he needed to his life insurance so there would be more money left for the new baby.
The baby. This precious child would never really remember him. If the cancer spread
quickly, he may not even see the birth. A solitary tear fell down his cheek followed by a sharp pain
in his chest. It had to be what a broken heart felt like. Then the tears fell in earnest.
Carrie immediately dropped to her knees and looked into her husband’s eyes. She held out
her trembling arms, and they embraced each other, united in tremendous love and sorrow.
Dr. Tyson sat at his desk and wept silently, watching this young couple with a mixture of
sadness and admiration. They would need each other so much now, and he prayed that this would
15
be a year of precious moments for them; that the heavenly Father would hold the Wallace family a
little closer for however long Charlie had left to live.
16
– Chapter 5 –
Drying his eyes with a couple of tissues, Charlie took a couple of deep breaths. He eased
Carrie back into her chair and clutched her hand again. “Dr. Tyson, when can I begin treatment?”
“We can begin tomorrow if you would like, or we can wait until Thursday if you need to
make arrangements at work first.”
“Thursday would be best. I need to contact my staff. Peter can assume my duties for a
couple of weeks, but I don’t want to stay away too long. I need my job, and the station needs me.”
“Charlie, the chemo is going to be debilitating. It’s understandable that you want to
continue working, but I must be honest with you. You are going to be quite ill and exhausted during
the treatments. If you can find a way to work from home for maybe a couple of hours a day, that
would be best.”
“Charlie, don’t worry about the money! Celina had told me when you were sick, when you
had cancer the first time, that if we needed anything, some help…”
Charlie let go of his wife’s hand and began pacing around the office. Pride replaced the
sadness and fear he had felt only moments before. “And what makes you think I want help? Damn
it, Carrie, it’s my job to provide for my family! I am not dead yet!”
The sharpness of his words felt like a slap across Carrie’s face. She inhaled quickly before
attempting to respond to Charlie’s sudden anger. “Charlie, Celina knows how much you love us and
how much it means to…”
Charlie looked fiercely at his wife as he began talking again. “I don’t want anyone’s help
unless I absolutely have to have it. I know Aunt Celina has her heart in the right place, but…”
“Charlie, oh honey. I love you and if you want to try and keep working from home, I’ll
support you. But the fact is, your life, the time you have left, is much more important than your job.
We have savings, and I’ll still be working up until the seventh or eighth month. Just please…”
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Carrie could not longer speak. Sobs wracked her, and she clutched herself in a moment of
profound grief. As soon as she mentioned how longer she would work before the baby’s birth, she
was overcome with the sorrow of Charlie possibly dying before this baby would take its first breath
outside the womb. How could she possibly live without him? Charlie was so much more than a
husband, the father of her children. He was her soul mate. He had been the guardian of her heart
since they were awkward teenagers at a Young Life camp twenty years ago.
Memories came crashing down around her. Their first kiss, at the moon kissed lake, took
her breath away. The way her hand trembled as he placed the diamond solitaire ring on her finger
at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s 1994. How tenderly he kissed her as they cuddled Thomas
Gabriel moments after an excruciating twenty-three hour labor in August 1997.
Charlie now stood before his wife. He felt helpless watching his wife engulfed in profound
emotional pain. He wrapped his arms around her, nodded to Dr. Tyson, and headed out the door.
He motioned to Gloria that he would call the office the following morning to set up his treatment
schedule. He led his wife to the elevator, and as the doors closed on the elevator, the rest of
Charlie’s life opened up before him in stunning clarity.
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– Chapter 6 –
Carrie retreated to her small office above the garage and put on her favorite music. Her
tears evaporated as she let the drums and guitar seep into her heart. Charlie had thought it best to
let Carrie alone so she could drown herself in music before seeing the children. Ever since Carrie
was a child, music had been her solace. When her father died in 1979, Carrie, at the tender age of
seven, led the mourners in a tearful version of “Amazing Grace,” her father’s favorite hymn. Then
three years later, she could barely speak when her mother’s casket was lowered in the hard winter
ground net to her father’s grave.
Carrie’s father, high school music teacher and occasional studio musician, Gabriel
Montgomery, had introduced all his children to the amazing world of music. From classical works
of Bach and Vivaldi to the hard rock of Boston, Journey, and everything else in between. Gabriel let
his children experience it all. When Carrie was five years old, she banged on pots and pans to the
song, “Born to Run.” Gabriel had delighted in how much his only daughter seemed to gravitate to
music like he did.
At six years old, Carrie began taking piano lessons from Gabriel’s friend, Alex Benson. Alex
had been born and raised in Germany and left there to study music in New York. He and Gabriel
became friends while both attended Julliard. Alex worked as a harpist for the Nashville Symphony
and took odd jobs to help supplement his income. Carrie enjoyed piano lessons, and Alex told
Gabriel she had “great promise” if she continued her lessons throughout her childhood.
Sadly, Gabriel never saw Carrie blossom as a musician and more importantly as a young
woman. On his way home from a concert at the local arena, a drunk driver crossed the double
yellow line and hit Gabriel’s car head on. Gabriel was rushed to the closest hospital where he was
pronounced dead shortly before midnight. He was just 38 years old.
Carrie’s mother was devastated. She fell into a deep depression. Celina, Gabriel’s sister,
helped take care of her young nephews and niece. Often, Celina and her husband spent days and
nights apart when Gloria Montgomery could not even leave her bed. In February 1982, two days
before Valentine’s Day, Gloria Montgomery died after taking too many sleeping pills and vodka
while her children spent the night (one of many) with their aunt and uncle.
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Carrie fell into despair and barely spoke. She spent much of her time playing Beethoven
and Chopin on the piano or playing her father’s records on her small stereo’s turntable in the quiet
solitude of her room.
Celina immediately became her niece and nephews’ guardian. She sold the house and put
the money in trust funds for their educations. She also ensured that Carried continues her musical
pursuits.
Now, twenty-four years after losing her mother, Carrie was losing the man she had vowed
to love all the days of her life. As Bruce Springsteen sang of broken dreams and escape down
“Thunder Road”, tears fell fresh down her cheeks. As she sat on the floor and wept, she didn’t hear
the knock on the door nor did she notice when Charlie walked in. As the song ended, Carrie looked
up to see him sitting on the daybed.
“Hi, Care,” Charlie whispered.
Carrie stood up and walked over to the stereo and turned it off. Charlie patted the daybed
and Carrie sat down. Her heart seemed to be beating faster, as if it was trying to beat for Charlie
too.
“Dinner will be read in about fifteen minutes. Celina made her famous grilled chicken with
her ageless barbecue sauce. Laci and Lily made the salad – the veges were already chopped.
Thomas Gabriel set the table without being asked.”
Carrie looked at Charlie. She was amazed that Charlie could carry on a normal conversation
with her like it was just another day. Charlie put his hand on her knee and smiled. “Your father
would have liked that you still listen to classics like ‘Thunder Road’. You told me you learned to
play ‘Born to Run’ when you were twelve years old.”
“Yeah, it was my dad’s favorite rock song followed closely by ‘Love Her Madly’ by the
Doors.”
Carrie looked at the picture of her father that rested on her desk. It was taken on Father’s
Day, 1978, his best Father’s Day. He died in January 1979. Carrie was snuggled in his lap while her
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brother huddled on each side of him. Carrie remembered how excited and proud her was when
Carrie played “Heart and Soul” for him for his present.
“Carrie, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I mean no, I’m not. How could I be? You’re dying, Charlie. You are dying, and there
is nothing I can do about it! First my dad dies in a car accident, and then my mom can’t cope and
she…”
“Carrie, honey, this is not what I wanted either. You know that. It sucks that I’m going to
leave you, the kids, the baby. You are my world. To leave you like this makes me so angry – so
damn angry. But I have to believe that I’ll see you again, that we’ll be together again. I can’t lose my
faith, and neither can you.”
“Yes, well it’s hard to keep praying and believing when I know you’ll be dying anyway – no
matter how much I pray. No matter how many masses I go to, you’ll be dying. You’ll be leaving me,
leaving the kids. It’s so unfair, so horribly unfair! When we got married, Uncle Roger toasted us
and wished us a lifetime of love and laughter. This isn’t a lifetime. It’s barely a ripple in the pond.
And what about the kids? Why did God bless us with these precious children only to let cancer take
their daddy away now when they are still so young and need you so much?”
Carrie’s voice shook as she spoke these words. Her heart was breaking with every syllable.
This was the way it always was with Carrie – her emotions could only be dammed up for so long
before crashing to the surface. Charlie knew Carrie felt safe, sheltered by his love when she let out
her pain and sorrow in words.
“Carrie, Charlie, dinner is ready. It’ll keep warm though if you need more time.” Celina’s
gentle voice in the hall sounded so soothing, so welcome. Carried wiped her eyes and looked into
Charlie’s blue eyes that always made her heart swell with love.
“We’ll be right down, Celina,” Charlie said. “You know how much we love you chicken…”
***
21
Carrie offered to help Celina with the dishes while Charlie volunteered to give the kids their
baths that night. Carrie was thankful for the chance to be alone with her aunt. It took all her
resolve not to cry when she saw Charlie interact with the kids at dinner.
“Oh Carrie, sweetheart. I so hoped that Dr. Tyson didn’t find any more cancer. This is just
so terribly sad. What are you going to tell the children?”
“I haven’t even begun to think about that. I’m in shock. I keep wanting to look at Charlie
and memorize his every movement, capture his smile… I can’t bear the idea of not waking up next
to him, to not feel his voice, the way he says my name.”
Tears once again flooded her eyes. When would she stop crying? It came up as natural as
breathing. The painful reality of losing Charlie filled her with such pain, an overwhelming despair.
She doubted the pain would ever really leave her heart until she reunited with Charlie in heaven.
Celina must have sensed Carrie’s anguish because she stopped drying the roasting pan and
put her arms around her niece. “Oh, darlin’, your Charlie has not left you yet. You must cherish
each and every moment you have together now. This is a terrible diagnosis, but you have a
precious gift of being able to say goodbye. Your mother did not have a chance to tell your father…”
Celina didn’t know if she could say more. The pain of losing both her parents already was
brought ever closer to the surface for Carrie with today’s news. At that moment, Celina closed her
eyes and prayed for guidance, for the right words to come. If only she had Gabriel’s gentle wisdom.
He had been the compassionate and sensitive one. The soul of a poet, the gifted musician who gave
up his dream of a professional music career to marry his childhood sweetheart and return to their
hometown to teach, Gabriel would have had the right words to say.
“Carrie, honey, if you want me to, I’ll pack up a suitcase and stay here for a few days. You
and Charlie can have some time to…” Celina’s voice was barely a whisper, and she could not begin
to say what she knew needed to be said.
“Oh, Aunt Celina! Charlie will be starting his chemo again later this week. He has to meet
with his staff at the station tomorrow. Dr. Tyson thinks Charlie will be too sick from chemo to
work, from home maybe… Then, I have the Mullen’s retirement party coming up. Oh, God, I need to
22
call Michael and I need to sit down and make out a menu for Mr. and Mrs. Mullens to look at.
There’s so much to do, but I need to be there for Charlie.”
“Carrie, take a breath,” Celina led her niece to a kitchen chair and poured her a cup of herbal
tea. “Now drink this, sweetie.”
Carrie sipped the warm liquid and felt a little less stressed.
“I already called your brothers when Charlie went to check on you. Our Uncle Roger, bless
him, kept the kids entertained by juggling those beanbags from Thomas Gabriel’s game. Benjamin
laughed so hard he almost wet his new Spiderman underwear. Don’t worry about the menu.
Michael said he had already written some ideas down. He’ll e-mail you them tomorrow. Jamison
said that he and Megan would be more than happy to watch the kids whenever you need it. He
doesn’t go on his book tour until late May”
“Oh, Celina, it’s wonderful to have you, my brothers…”
“That’s why my offer to stay here is not just a one time offer. I can be here whenever and for
however long you need me. After my own three children, you and your brothers are the dearest
children to me. And yes, to this sixty-something year old lady, you are a child. My dear niece, my
favorite one at that.”
For the first time this awful day, Carrie chuckled. “I’m your only niece, Auntie.”
“And you know how I feel about ‘Auntie’!” Celina said, waving an admonishing finger at
Carrie. “I’m not that old.”
Carrie laughed more, and she let the tenderness of this moment warm her heart, healing it
some. At that moment, Charlie walked in. Her eyes held his gaze and she reached for him. Charlie
walked over to the table ad fell into his wife’s warm embrace. If he could spend the rest of his life in
her arms, it still would not be enough time to truly feel those loving arms of the woman whose
heart belonged to him, for as long as they both shall live.
23
– Chapter 7 –
Peter Darce was not the only staff member at WRDM radio to shake his head in disbelief
when their news director announced his diagnosis. As a “committed bachelor” Peter thought of the
people at the station as his family. His own family was fractured. His parents divorced after only
five years of marriage, and he had not seen his father in ten years. His mother, a recovering
alcoholic, barely contacted Peter or his sister, Alison, because she blamed them for her addiction
and her two failed marriages.
As everyone made their way to their offices or cubicles, Peter stayed behind, wanting to talk
to Charlie. He had stepped up to help Charlie during his first bout with cancer, and he wanted to be
there for him now – especially now.
“Charlie, could we talk some more about this?” Peter spoke tentatively, afraid Charlie might
not want to delve into this more than what had just been discussed.
“What more can I tell you, Peter? I have pancreatic and liver cancer. I will begin chemo
Thursday morning. I’m leaving work early today because I need to meet with my financial advisor,
and Carrie has to see her obstetrician this afternoon. I’m worried about her. She’s not been
sleeping well, not that I have either. But I’m not twelve weeks or so pregnant.”
Peter marveled at Charlie’s concern for Carrie over thoughts of his own deadly illness. This
was how happily married couples responded and it struck him how unfair this was for them.
“I’ll call Paul and arrange a conference call with him and the others for Friday morning. I’ll
have Lynn-Marie e-mail you the notes from it if you like. And as for the meeting about upcoming
news programs and interviews, I can ask Colette and Jared to postpone them until you’re up to
being here.”
“No, go ahead with it. It’s not until next Tuesday. I may be able to convince my doctor to let
me come in here for it. You know how shy Colette is and Jared can be hung over from his Monday
night sports bar activities. But I will definitely need you when, well, when I can’t be here. You are
the future news director here, Peter. You’re a good man, Peter. Something tells me you haven’t
been told that nearly enough.”
24
Peter felt his cheeks flush when he heard this praise. Charlie was right: Peter rarely heard
compliments now, and even less so as a child. Clearing his throat, he started to respond to Charlie
when the ringing telephone interrupted his thoughts.
“I’ll need to take this call, Peter. I’ll call you tomorrow before I have to meet with my
oncologist. Thanks for your concern.”
Peter quickly retreated to his small office down the hall. His heart was beating faster as he
realized the magnitude of what lay ahead for him and for everyone at the station. And as he sank
into his chair, he felt a tear drip down onto his desk. It was the start of a cascade of tears shed by a
man who never felt the need to cry – until now.
25
– Chapter 8 –
Charlie picked up the telephone on the third ring. He loosened his tie as he answered.
“This is Charlie Wallace.”
“Charlie, it’s me, Dad. Can you hear me? I’m on a hotel phone here in Barcelona.”
“Yes, I can hear you fine. You don’t need to shout.”
“How are you, son? Your message seemed urgent.”
“It’s cancer, Dad. It’s in my liver and pancreas. I begin chemo in a couple of days.”
Silence filled the air for a few moments until Charlie heard a hoarse whisper from his father.
“I can be on the first flight back to New York, and from there one to Nashville. Do you need money?
What about a second opinion?”
“Dad, you know as well as I do that Marilyn would e furious if you cut short your trip. And
as far as money goes, we’re fine. Dr. Tyson is an excellent doctor, and no one else could or would
dare disagree with this assessment, this diagnosis. Uncle Harmon died from cancer, the very same
kind, when I was fifteen. Momma had kidney and colon cancer for two years before she died. It’s
just the way it is, Dad.”
“I wish to God it wasn’t true.”
“Where’s Marilyn?”
“She went to this art exhibit at one of the museums here. I think she’ll be shopping after
that. Your stepmother and her sister spend money the way your mother would save it. I miss her
so much now.”
“Me, too.” Charlie’s voice felt constricted by the weight of his father’s words. Thomas
Wallace was a man of little emotion; so for Charlie to hear this, it meant a great deal.
26
“Dad,” Charlie spoke again, his voice soothing. “You are welcome to come to Nashville and
see us anytime after your trip. Your grandchildren would love t see their Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom.
Carrie’s pregnancy is progressing well, but the more people here helping out would make me feel
more at ease. I think this chemo is going to take its toll a lot harder than the first time.”
“Are you sure there can’t be anything to beat this? What about a liver and pancreas
transplant? You can get a new and healthy…”
“Dad, the cancer is quite aggressive. There may be more than what Dr. Tyson could see. It’s
just too risky to even consider surgery or a transplant.” Charlie’s heart felt leaden when he told his
father this. He had always felt so grateful for the upbringing his father had provided him, especially
after his mother died when he was seventeen. So talking about his impending death tore at his very
soul.
“I best end this call. It’ll be a bit of change on the already too expensive hotel bill. We’ll be
here in Barcelona until Friday and thon on to Lisbon. I’ll try to convince Marilyn to only stay a few
days and not the ten days she has planned.”
“But what about Switzerland? I thought…”
“If Marilyn can’t stand the idea of postponing the remainder of our trip, especially after
giving her three or four days I Lisbon, I’ll fly back to the States without her. She’s a big girl with her
own credit cards. She’ll be fine without me. Hell, she hasn’t needed me for a long time.”
“Dad, the last thing I want to do is create tension between you and Marilyn.”
“You’re my son, Charlie. I choose you and Annabeth over Marilyn because I love you two
more than anyone else in the world. Speaking of Annabeth, have you talked to her about this yet?”
“I called her answering service last night. A man, I think his name is Manuel, told me she is
somewhere in Kenya immunizing babies and small children. I’ll e-mail her later today.”
“You should tell her over the phone, Charlie.” There was a note of warning in his voice, and
Charlie took heed.
27
“Yes, Dad, you’re right. But I don’t know how much reception she’ll get on her cell phone.
She’ll be there for another month. But I’ll try and call her tonight.”
“Good. Now, I better hang up. Marilyn just walked in with her arms filled with shopping
bags. She smells like spent money. I’ll see you soon, son. I love you.”
“I love you too, Dad. And thank you.”
“For what, son?”
“My life.” Charlie whispered aid tears flooding his eyes.
“Oh, my dear boy. My life began when I first held you, and it will end when you take your
last breath. Don’t you know that?”
Charlie could not respond as he heard the click on the other end of the line. His father had
hung up the phone. As Charlie hung up the phone, he took a deep breath and thanked God for
Thomas Edward Wallace, his father and friend.
28
– Chapter 9 –
“Carrie, your blood pressure is fine. Your baby’s heartbeat is strong. You’re gaining weight,
and there is no swelling in your hands or feet. Overall, I am quite pleased with the progress of your
pregnancy. But your not sleeping is a concern. Insomnia is not good for your physical and
emotional well-being. It is quite understandable why you aren’t sleeping. Your husband’s diagnosis
is indeed terrible, and I’m incredibly sorry.”
At that moment, Dr. Cecily Moran put her hand over top of Carrie’s hand. Charlie had
always liked Dr. Moran, and today her compassion moved him to near tears.
“I’ve been trying to tell her that. Of course, I’m not sleeping myself.” Charlie attempted to
smile and lighten the mood somehow.
“Carrie, I want you to go home, take a warm bath and put on some comfy pajamas and sleep.
Put on some soothing music, perhaps some classical. I know how much music means to you.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Carrie said, putting on her jacket.
“Yes, I know it’s easier said than done, but it is imperative for your health and the health of
that miracle that you sleep. You too, Charlie.”
***
Charlie put on a CD of Carrie’s favorite classical music and lay down next to her. Celina and
Roger took the children to their house for the night so Carrie and Charlie could sleep peacefully.
“Thanks for making dinner, Charlie. You’re quite the cook”
“Oh please. You know all I did was heat up two cans of tomato soup and make grilled cheese
sandwiches. I’m about as much of a cook as you are a mechanic.”
“Hey, I can call AAA as well as the best of them.” She chuckled as they both recalled Carrie’s
flat tire when she first started driving their minivan. She couldn’t even find the tire jack Charlie had
29
put in the trunk because she had forgotten what it looked like in her panic. After laughing and
telling more embarrassing stories about each other for the next hour, Charlie took Carrie into his
arms and looked deeply into her eyes.
“Carrie, my angel, promise me something.” There was a sudden seriousness in his tone of
voice that made Carrie anxious. Tears soon matched her anxiety.
“Charlie,” she began to tell him not to make her promise anything right now.
She
desperately wanted to return to laughter again.
“Shh,” he murmured as he put a finger to her lips. “Carrie, love, promise me you’ll laugh
every day after I die.”
“How can you possibly think I could feel like laughing when you’re dead? My heart will be
broken, and there will be no reason to laugh. You’ll be gone…” Her sobs choked her and all she
could do was cry, shaking in Charlie’s arms.
“You need to laugh, Carrie. You will have five little children who need a mother who sees the
joy and humor of every day. Don’t succumb to the sorrow like…” Charlie couldn’t say what he
thought because it would be unfair.
“You mean like, you mean like my mother? Charlie, how much time have I tried, have I
spent trying to be like her? Well, I’ll tell you!” Anger filled her voice as she pulled away from
Charlie and left the bed. She turned off the music and grabbed her journal.
“You see this journal? When you were first facing cancer, when that brain tumor nearly
killed you, I wrote everything down – all my fears, all my heartache, all of it, Charlie. And then I
share it with you. My mother never did that! When my father died, she shut herself up in her room.
She stayed in bed, barely getting up to shower or eat. Celina and Roger put her in therapy – paid for
it and everything. Bet she went for two visits before deciding that it was a waste of time and their
money.”
“I know that, honey. I’m sorry.”
30
“Then after three, almost three years of depression, alcohol-fueled temper tantrums, and
practically neglecting my brothers and me, she decided to end it. She took about 30 sleeping pills
some quack prescribed her and washed them down with nearly a full bottle of vodka! Vodka! Hell,
that’s what she wrote in a note. She said she was in hell for three years because she had lost the
love of her life. What about Jamison? What about Michael? What about me? I needed a mother.
Didn’t we matter?”
Carrie clutched her journal and took a deep breath. She was shocked by her outburst.
“Maybe,” Charlie began tentatively. “Maybe this is just what you’ve needed to do – to get
mad. I’m angry, too. I don’t want to die and leave behind everyone I love. Do you think I want to
leave behind the kids? I may not even be here to see the one you’re carrying. It hurts like hell. And
Benjamin may not even remember me…” Tears were burning Carrie’s and Charlie’s eyes. And when
Charlie slumped onto the bed, Carrie rushed to his side.
“Charlie! Are you alright?”
“No! I’m so mad! I don’t want to die. I’m 34 years old, and I’m going to die! I’m going to
leave you a widow with five small children. I won’t be there to see them grow up. Who will walk
Laci and Lily down the aisle? Who’s going to tell Thomas and Ben about girls? I’ll just be some guy
who will be a picture in a frame to that baby you’re carrying – an unexpected miracle – a child
who’ll never know how much I loved…”
Charlie could barely continue to talk. The emotional upheaval of the evening filled him with
despair and exhaustion.
“Charlie, I know how much you want to stay here with us. I promise you this: there will
never be a day that goes by that I won’t tell our children how much you cherished them. And Ben
will remember you because I will show him pictures and those videos I made. And you will live to
see this child being born because you are stubborn like your father.
I don’t want to succumb to despair like my mother, and I won’t. But I cannot promise you
I’ll laugh every day after you die because I will miss you terribly. But I’ll learn to laugh again. I’ll
31
remember all those carefree days at Young Life camp, those recipes I made you try when I first
started culinary school, and our sleepless nights with a toddler and two colicky twin girls.”
Charlie stopped crying and began to smile when he thought about everything Carrie just
mentioned. Charlie’s happiest moments as well as his saddest were all centered around his life with
Carrie. Carrie had captured so many of those moments and put them down on paper, video, and in
photo albums. She could make that promise because she had done all that work – work Charlie
used to tease her about when she would be writing photo album captions after nursing a fussy Laci
and a sleepy Lily.
”They’re not even eating solid food yet much less reading. You can do this when you’re
more alert like when they’re in college.”
“I am alert now! I’ve never felt more alive. One day they’ll wonder what life was like when
they were little, and I can show them these albums. They can laugh and think how goofy they
looked.”
Carrie showed Charlie a picture of him wearing one of the girls' many hats while he bathed
them. I was at that moment Charlie realized this was a wonderful gift she was creating for all of
them.
“Charlie? Charlie, are you okay?” The present day Carrie had her hand on his shoulder and
a look of concern furrowed her brow. Charlie shook slightly and blinked his eyes a couple of times
to regain his focus on the present. He took Carrie’s hand off his shoulder and held it to his heart.
“Dr. Moran wanted me to make sure you slept shortly after we came home, and what did I
do? I’ve made you angry, sad, and worried even more than you already were.”
“Charlie, we needed to do this. It’s good that we can talk about this. We need to get past our
anger and our fears so we can work on preparing ourselves for what’s ahead. We need to tell
Thomas Gabriel and the girls about this.”
32
“I’m not even sure where we can even begin. Thomas is eight years old, and the twins just
turned six in September.
I don’t know if they’ll understand.
We don’t even understand it
ourselves.”
“Maybe we should talk to Father Stephen.
He was such a godsend when you were
diagnosed with cancer the first time.”
“Yes, his prayers and visits really did help all of us. I think I’ll give him a call tomorrow. I
start chemo Thursday; it’ll be time to tell them before the chemo starts making me so sick. I guess
that’ll give us about a week or two to figure it out.”
“I wish there was some way you could have surgery. The way Dr. Tyson described your
tumors though…”
“I know, but Dr. Tyson believes that having these treatments will keep them from growing
and/or spreading to other places. And more importantly, it’ll give us time to, well, to be together.
Time I wouldn’t have otherwise.”
“It just breaks my heart knowing that I’ll still end up without you, and I’ll have to see you
suffer so much.” Tears filled her eyes again. Charlie dried them with a tissue, and he kissed her
tenderly on the lips.
“And it breaks my heart that I’m breaking my promise of growing old with you.”
Before Carrie could respond, Charlie felt a sharp pain in his lower abdomen and needed to
lie down. Charlie’s face paled and sweat glistened on his forehead. Carrie tried to cool his flushed
cheeks with a moist cloth.
“Should I call Dr. Tyson?” Carrie asked, trying to stay calm.
“No, I’ll be seeing him in the morning. These pains come and go. It’s just this one is a bit
more acute than the others have been. Dr. Tyson told me that this is just all part of having tumors
where I do.” Charlie sat up in bed and grabbed the phone. He dialed the number and waited for an
answer.
33
“Hi Celina. No, no we’re fine. It’s been a bit of a watershed evening. Would you mind
keeping the kids until Friday afternoon? Carrie and I haven’t slept at all, and I don’t think we’re
going to. Yeah, we’re trying to figure it al out. Thank you, Celina. Do you want to speak to Carrie?
Oh, well, of course I will send your love along. We love you, too. We’ll come by with some more
clothes for the kids after my appointment.”
Carrie looked puzzled as Charlie hung up the phone. Charlie smiled and motioned for Carrie
to join him on the bed.
“You need sleep. I need sleep. You’re practically in tears whenever the kids are around. We
need to talk to them when our bodies are rested, and we’ve figured out what to say. Father
Stephen’s house will be our first stop after we see Dr. Tyson.”
“But why not pick the kids up Thursday after school? We’re their parents. I don’t want
them to think we don’t want them around.”
“They don’t and won’t think that. I just think that after I have chemo I’ll sleep all day and
night, and you should start making some tasty morsels for that retirement party. Michael will come
over, and you can cook and gossip. You need that. I need that.”
“How did you get to be so wise?” Carrie snuggled up against Charlie.
“I’ve always been smart. I married you. I guess I’ve grown into wisdom.”
“Are you sleepy?”
“No, not yet. I’d like to look at those photo albums you’ve created.”
“Which ones?”
“All of them.”
“Charlie, we need to try to sleep. Dr. Moran is right. It’s not good for either one of us.”
34
“And neither is not looking back and remembering the good times when we thought the
future was full of endless possibility.”
Carried sighed and headed to the cabinet where all their memories were preciously
preserved in photo albums and on videotapes. She couldn’t disagree with Charlie, looking back felt
much more pleasant than thinking about what lay ahead.
35
– Chapter 10 –
“Carrie, Charlie, come in, come in. I wish this were just a friendly visit. I’m s incredibly
sorry about your cancer recurrence. I am praying for al of you.” Carrie and Charlie sat down while
Father Stephen poured them some coffee. “It’s decaf, Carrie. I hope you don’t mind the Notre Dame
mugs. I know you’re Ohio State fans,” Father Stephen chuckled.
“Football. It’s Charlie’s father’s alma mater, and he drilled into Charlie and Annabeth that
scarlet and grey are the natural colors.”
“Ah, yes. What did your father study?”
“Girls, parties, and architecture – in that order until he met my mom. Then he just majored
in architecture and her but not in that order.”
“My mother wanted me to marry her best friend’s daughter and have seven children, but I
had fallen in love with the Church. Which was good for Anthony, he married Lucy and had eight
children – all boys but one, and she became a nun.”
“Father Stephen, we haven’t talked to Thomas Gabriel and the girls yet. We wondered if you
could help us figure out a way to tell them without scaring them,” Charlie said, leaning back against
the couch. He grimaced in pain, a pain he know would never go away.”
“Are you okay? Charlie?” Carrie looked at Charlie with a frightened urgency. Charlie put a
hand on his wife’s knee and nodded.
“I think the best advice I can give is to be honest. So tell them you’re very sick, and the
doctors and medicine may not be able to make you better – that you’ll be going to heaven to be with
Jesus.”
“It’s sounds so easy, so simplistic,” Charlie said with his eyes closed, trying hard to not
surrender to the pain.
36
“I know. But you need to be. Children must be told the truth with as few frightening words
as possible. They are old enough to understand that heaven is a wonderful place, and you won’t be
in pain anymore.”
“I don’t know how much time I have left, but I know one thing. I want my kids to know they
are loved, and each one is a blessing.”
“And that is what you should do. Treasure every moment together. I’ll be here whenever
you need me, and I wouldn’t mind coming over once in a while to have dinner. You know how
much I love your cooking, Carrie!” Father Stephen said with a twinkle in his eyes.
“Of course, Father, we would love that. But I have to warn you, Carrie will put you to work.
You’ll have to earn your supper. Believe me, I know,” Charlie said laughing.
“I am a wonderful dish washer, and I do look rather fetching in an apron.”
Now all of them were laughing. It felt good to laugh. Father Stephen was much more than
their parish priest, he was their friend. Charlie went to put on his jacket, and Father Stephen put a
hand on his shoulder.
“Let’s pray before you leave.”
Charlie sat back down between Carrie and Father Stephen. With their heads bowed and
hands joined, Father spoke in a clear, reassuring voice.
“Lord, be with Charlie and Carrie during this difficult chapter in their lives. We know how
deeply you love us, even more so when we are in the middle of such sorrow and pain. Hold Charlie
and Carrie close.
Help them to remember your most precious gift: the promise and joy of
everlasting life with you. Strengthen our hearts, Lord.”
“Amen”
37
– Chapter 11 –
Carrie walked behind Charlie as they made their way out of the parking garage and to the
elevators in the lobby of the hospital. The doors of the middle elevator opened, and Charlie reached
for Carrie’s hand. Charlie squeezed Carrie’s hand as they made their way to the sixth floor. Both of
them had slept about ten hours the night before and woke up that morning in each other’s arms.
Charlie sighed as they stepped out of the elevator. He had truly believed he had beaten the
odds and would never have to go back to the Chemotherapy Clinic again. Yet here he was, about to
begin treatment that would only delay the inevitable – his death.
Carrie had brought along a Sony Walkman and a tape she had made for Charlie to listen to
as he received treatment. It had some of Charlie’s favorites and some songs that had a special place
in their hearts. Charlie had put the tape away in his sock drawer after he was declared cancer free,
not wanting to any more reminders of what he had gone through. But now this tape would be
soothing and most welcome as he sat there with powerful drugs entering his tumor ravaged body.
“Charles Wallace.” A middle aged African American nurse stood in the doorway of the
waiting room spoke in a soft voice.
Charlie kissed Carrie’s cheek and followed the nurse down the hall and into a large room.
Three other patients, all women, were sitting in comfortable chairs, receiving treatment.
“I’m Evelyn, and I’ll be administrating your chemotherapy protocol. I’ve been reading your
file, Charles, and I must say that this will be quite a rigorous treatment. You will be quite ill. I do
hope you have support at home.”
“The best. And it’s Charlie. Charles makes me feel like I’m in trouble with my father.”
“Well, Charlie, shall we get started?”
“Yes, but be gentle.” His eyes sparkled at Evelyn as she put on her gloves.
***
38
Carrie made her way to a vending machine in the hallway and bought a juice and a package
of club crackers with cheese. She felt a little nauseated and tired. Being pregnant for the fourth
time in eight years, no nine years, was amazing but also exhausting. Carrie knew that this
pregnancy had been nothing short of a miracle. Charlie had undergone radiation and intense
chemotherapy that could have left him sterile from everything Dr. Tyson had told them about side
effects.
Yet here she was pregnant. And as overjoyed as she was to be pregnant with their fifth
child, it was also a time of great fear and sorrow. Knowing Charlie was back here at the hospital
and battling cancer was devastating. But even more crushing was this time the caner would win,
killing its victim without mercy or a thought of what the survivors felt.
“Carrie? Carrie, oh thank God I found you! I just got here. Where’s Charlie?”
“Annabeth! I thought you were in Kenya.”
Carrie hugged her sister-in-law in both welcome and surprise.
“My answering service contacted me that Charlie called, and Dad called me. He told me
about, about the diagnosis. So, I asked Mark to stay behind, and I took the first flight out of Kenya I
could get. I just flew here from New York and before that, I had a four-hour layover in London. I
have some serious jetlag, but I’m here. I went to Celina’s house, and she told me you were here. I
can’t believe it! First the brain tumor and now this – it’s so damn unfair. But Charlie is a fighter and
he’ll fight until, until…”
Tears spilled down in Annabeth’s cheeks. Four years older than Charlie, Dr. Annabeth
Wallace-Graham was the protector and loving big sister. Her heart felt so broken, knowing that her
baby brother was going to die. He had always been the strong one, the athlete, and now cancer was
killing him. First their mother and now Charlie. Annabeth brushed aside her tears and tried to
gather her resolve. She needed to be strong for Carrie, and especially for Charlie.
“Mark sends his love, and Molly wants to come home to see all of you on Thanksgiving.”
39
Molly was Annabeth’s stepdaughter who attended college at the University of Maryland.
She was a bright and sensitive young woman with thoughts of becoming a high school Biology
teacher and swim coach. Carrie smiled at the thought of her niece. Molly had not been born to
Annabeth, but she most certainly had her fierce love and loyalty to her family, a quality that deeply
resonated with Carrie.
“Charlie and the kids would love that. It’s hard to believe it’s less than a month from
Thanksgiving. I haven’t even given it a thought.”
“I know,” Annabeth said, giving her sister-in-law a squeeze on her arm. “We don’t have to
have a turkey. I think Molly’s biology classes have turned her into the vegetarian her father feared
she would be. Mark’s the son and grandson of Texas cattle ranchers.”
Carrie chuckled, recalling two older distinguished gentlemen in Stetson hats and bolo ties at
Annabeth and Mark’s wedding fifteen years before.
“Well, as a caterer, I can rustle up some fine vittles for all of us. Oh Annabeth, I didn’t want
to be back here again. It’s just surreal.”
“Have you talked to Thomas Gabriel and the girls yet? Dad called me because he knew
Charlie wouldn’t call back again.”
“Oh, he wanted to. He tried, but it’s been hard to talk about it especially to you. He looked
up to you so much growing up.”
“Yeah, well, then he grew six inches in three months, and then I was the one who did the
looking up!” Tears glistened in Annabeth’s eyes as she continued talking to Carrie who was now
holding Annabeth’s hand.
“I feared this would happen. Mom had a recurrence. She suffered so much before her body
just shut down. It just about destroyed Dad - and now Charlie. God, he is so young. And look at you
– you’re having a baby Charlie may not even live to see.”
40
“Annabeth, you’re underestimating Charlie. He is a fighter. You said so yourself. Dr. Tyson
thinks with these treatments and perhaps radiation Charlie could have up to a year. Charlie wants
to see this baby born. I need him to see this baby born.”
There was a fierceness in her voice that surprised Annabeth. Carrie had always seemed
so levelheaded and calm, but not one to show much emotion.
What strangers or mere
acquaintances would view as aloofness, Annabeth knew was Carrie’s way of protecting herself. She
had suffered so much loss as a child, and now she was about to suffer another devastating loss. It
infuriated and pained Annabeth so much.
“Mrs. Wallace? Excuse me for interrupting, but Charlie just completed his treatment. You
can take him home now.”
Evelyn had gone into the hallway to find Carrie. Before she could say another word, she saw
the slightly swollen belly and maternity jeans and took in a breath of surprise.
Carrie sensed the nurse’s gaze and look of surprise. She cleared her throat to gather the
focus of the conversation back to Charlie.
“I’m sorry,” Evelyn stammered. I did-didn’t know you were expecting… um, Charlie is quite
exhausted, and he won’t feel much like eating. But please make sure he gets plenty of liquids – like
water and Gatorade. When he does feel up to it, broth, and soft vegetables… I wrote down a list of
possible side effects and what else to expect. Call here or Dr. Tyson’s office immediately if there are
any other problems not listed here. Your husband certainly brought a smile to the other patients’
faces. He was ‘grooving’ to that music he brought with him.”
“That’s Charlie for you,” Carrie said. “He’s a closet rock ‘n’ roller.”
Charlie had just joined the small group in the hallway. He held Carrie’s coat and a look of
surprise filled his otherwise tired face when he noticed Annabeth standing next to his wife.
“Stay strong, Charlie. I’ll see you next week. Call if you need me.” Evelyn patted Charlie on
the back shoulder and made her way back to the office. Annabeth moved in closer to embrace her
brother.
41
“Annabeth, what are you doing here?”
“Charles William Gregory Wallace, what are you doing here?”
She held her brother close and squeezed her eyes to stop the tears she knew would
eventually fall.
“Charlie, oh Charlie.” She murmured into her brother’s shoulder.
“Dad called you. He ordered me to call you and didn’t think I would and so…”
“Charlie, I’m so sorry! I wish…”
“Stop!” Charlie hadn’t meant it to sound so harsh, but he needed to get his point across to
his sister.
“I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, Anna-Banana. I want you to just be my big sister. If
you’re here to mourn my impending death, then you should just take the next plane back to Africa. I
need you to just be who you are – who you’ve always been – my big, loving, annoying sister who
eats rocky road ice cream right out of the carton and cries whenever Fred Astaire starts to dance.
Just be my friend and sister, Anna-Banana!”
Annabeth squeezed her brother’s hands and gazed deeply into his blue eyes. With a gentle
smile, she nodded. “Always and forever, Charlie Tuna, always and forever.”
42
– Chapter 12 –
“Michael, are you sure those cheese enchiladas have enough peppers? I can’t believe that
this wedding is next weekend. Charlie wanted you to come over today so we could work on the
retirement party. I forgot about the Morris-Tolliver wedding!”
“Sis, you’re three, almost four months pregnant. Your husband is sick, very sick, and you
have four kids under nine. I’d forget to put on underwear if I were you.”
“Well, thank God you’re not me,” Carrie said as she checked the roasted potatoes with
Gorgonzola cheese sauce. It was a small batch, and she had asked Annabeth and Michael to taste
them. They were to go with the braised pork loin that had just been added to the menu at the last
minute. The vegan bride’s sister was five months pregnant and pork was all she could eat.
“I can’t believe we have four meat entrée’s and four vegetarian ones. This is more like a
buffet at an all you can eat place than a wedding reception,” Carrie said, taking the casserole dish
out of the oven.
“I’ll be glad when this wedding is over, too. Matthew said the mother of the bride has
changed what she wants the centerpieces to look like three times. He’s becoming a bit of a grouch,”
Michael said, putting some potatoes on a plate. “These look good,” Michael continued as e sat on the
table.
“Matthew is arranging flowers now?” Annabeth asked. “I thought he just did all of your
accounting.”
“He does. But his mother owned a flower shop for thirty years, and he learned how to
arrange all kinds of flowers for all kinds of occasions. When his aunt died, he designed these simple
but breathtaking arrangements; so, we asked him if he’d like to take on floral arrangements for
weddings where the bride and groom hadn’t found a florist yet.
“It’s good for his mother, too,” Carrie continued. “Her floral shop is the place to go for
wonderful flowers.”
“Wow. I have been gone for a long time. Is he still…?” Annabeth pondered.
43
“Yes, he’s still with Loretta. When they’ll marry I’ll never know. He doesn’t seem to have
much faith in the institution of marriage,” Michael said before taking another bit of potatoes.
“And you do?” Carrie retorted. “My brother will be finally married when he’s to old to do
anything else.”
“I thought you were dating Eileen.”
“Oh Annabeth, Annabeth, Eileen was only interested in my body,” Michael said, trying hard,
but unsuccessfully, not to laugh.
“She wanted to have a baby, and she thought you were the right candidate,” Carrie
explained.
“Yes, that’s me. Mr. Sperm…”
“You didn’t want to have kids with her. I thought you loved Eileen.”
“Oh we had some fun together. But Eileen kept talking about her biological clock and
wanting to become a mother before 35, and she didn’t want to get married… I was just going to be
Mr. …”
“I’m sorry, Michael.”
“Don’t be, Annabeth. I love my nieces and nephews, but I don’t think I have the patience to
be a father. Besides, poopy diapers send me to the bathroom gagging, and I can’t send my kid home
if he drives me crazy.”
“It’s good you know that about yourself. Molly’s mother felt trapped and ended up leaving
Mark and Molly when Molly was just eight months old.”
“And she’s had you, a wonderful step-mother,” Carrie said. “Now, everything has been
prepped, and we know the complete menu finally. Let’s see, Michael, could you be at the hall by
three? I’ll be there at noon helping Margot and Kristen with the set up. The reception starts at
44
seven. There’s an open bar with chips and salsa, and dinner will be served at eight. I hope to be out
of there by midnight.”
“You be there by three, and I’ll be there at noon. You’re pregnant and shouldn’t be on your
feet all day and night. And don’t try to protest, as your brother I could be in my rights to kick your
butt if you don’t listen.”
“And as a doctor, I could insist,” Annabeth said heading to the dishwasher with her plate.
“Alright, alright. But try not to get Margot and Kristen all riled up.”
“What’s the fun in that?”
45
– Chapter 13 –
“How are you feeling, Charlie?” Dr. Tyson said, shaking Charlie’s hand after he entered the
examination room. Three weeks had passed since Charlie’s first chemotherapy. Dr. Tyson wanted
to see Charlie and check how he was responding to the protocol of drugs.
“Well, I lost my chicky-Daddy status when my hair started falling out. I had my barber just
shave it off a couple of days ago.”
“I rather you wear a Braves cap, but it’s still better than if you wore a Phillies hat.” Dr.
Tyson examined Charlie and told him that the tumors hadn’t grown, nor had any new tumors
shown up on his latest MRI. “How is Carrie?”
“Tired. She’s gained seven pounds since my diagnosis. I think she’s going to give birth to a
linebacker. Just as long as he goes to OSU my father will be happy.”
“Ah, yes – the Buckeyes! Well, we all have our faults.” Dr. Tyson chuckled. He attended the
University of Georgia and then Harvard Medical School.
“We told Thomas and the girls.”
“How did it go?” Dr. Tyson leaned against the examining table and looked at Charlie, trying
to read his expression.
“The hardest conversation I ever had. The girls cried and clung to me. They had to sleep
between Carrie and me for two nights. Laci has had nightmares. The school has recommended
counseling. Carrie called the pediatrician, and we’re looking into an art therapy program. The girls
love to draw.”
“What about Thomas?”
“Thomas Gabriel is, well quite frankly, he’s mad at God, at me, at you, at the world. He’s
withdrawn and sullen. He got into a fight at his friend Caden’s house. He barely interacts with us.
Carrie wants him to take karate as on outlet for his anger.”
46
“What do you think?”
“I don’t blame him for being angry. I’m angry, too. I wish I could rip the cancer out of my
body. I wish I could turn back the clock and change the last two and a half years. My son shouldn’t
have to become the man of the house before he even turns 9, or Lord willing 10. I wish to God I
wasn’t leaving them behind. It’s hard enough leaving Carrie.”
“If I could give you any advise, Charlie, it would be to let Thomas know it’s okay to be sad, to
be angry. But most of all, it’s okay to be a kid. He’s not going to take your place. No one can.”
“If you were me, would you want your wife to remarry?”
“Charlie, concentrate on today. Carrie is married to you right now. Right now, you are
living and breathing. Celebrate each moment. Let nothing stop you from loving that family you
have. Carrie would not want to hear you talking like this.”
“You’re right. I’m just so angry, so sad… I feel so helpless.”
Dr. Tyson put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “I know, Charlie. Me too.”
Charlie smiled slightly, thanking God silently for Dr. James Christopher Tyson.
47
– Chapter 14 –
“Carrie, I’m home. Carrie?” Charlie walked into the living room to find Carrie cuddling a
crying Thomas Gabriel.
It was two weeks before Christmas, and Charlie, with the help of Michael, had been out
shopping for Carrie. Charlie was too weak to drive so Michael had generously offered to drive him
to the local shopping mall.
“Carrie, what’s wrong?”
“Shh, shh, it’s all right, baby boy. Your daddy’s here now.”
Thomas Gabriel crawled out of his mother’s embrace and ran to Charlie and hugged him.
“Thomas thought you were sick in the hospital. He didn’t believe me when I told him you
were with Uncle Michael at the mall.”
“Yeah, buddy, that’s where I was. I had some shopping to do. Momma wouldn’t lie to you.
I’m here now. How did karate go?”
“I broke a board. Scott and Seth couldn’t believe it.” Scott and Seth were in Thomas
Gabriel’s third grade class. Both Scott and Seth signed up for karate lessons witch Thomas to make
sure he had friends with him when he tried this new activity.
“That’s great, Thomas! I’d ask you to break one here, but I think Momma would be mad if
you broke one of her cutting boards.”
“I have a tournament the weekend after New Year’s. You can see me do it then. I’m sorry I
didn’t believe you, Momma. It’s just, it’s so…”
“I know, honey, it’s scary having Daddy being so sick. But I would never lie to you about
where Daddy is. If he has to go to the hospital, I’d tell you. Now go on, you have a math worksheet
waiting for you. I’ll check on your progress in a few minutes.”
48
“You okay, Care?”
“Yeah. I think this is just what Thomas needed to do. He finally cried. His karate instructor
thinks Thomas could earn his black belt if he sticks with it long enough.”
“I’m so glad you thought of it, Carrie.”
“Me too. When my father died, Celina made sure I kept taking piano lessons. She also kept
me busy cooking and baking. There is something quite therapeutic about kneading bread dough.”
“I finished my worksheet, Momma. Can I have a snack?”
“No, you may not have a snack. Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes. Go change out of
your karate gear and play with Ben. He’s been forced to play tea party with your sisters while
you’ve been at your lesson.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Carrie made her way into the kitchen and Charlie followed close behind. Charlie inhaled
deeply, wishing he could eat what he smelled to be chicken Parmesan and steamed broccoli.
“I made you chicken and vegetable soup with a slice of Celina’s sourdough bread she made
fresh this morning. I know it’s not like having chicken Parmesan, but it’s still good.”
Charlie nodded and sat down to check Thomas’ homework. He was a smart kid, Charlie
thought with pride as he saw that all the problems were correct.
“I hated long division at his age. Thanks for checking that,” Carrie said, putting glasses
down on the table.
“Yes. I remember when we took algebra. You threw the book down Celina’s porch steps
once when we were supposed to be studying for a test.”
“Well, I hated the quadratic formula, and I picked it up and still studied.”
49
“Yeah, but only after you tried to get Hugh the wonder hound to eat your book.”
“But he didn’t. I don’t even remember what I got on that test.”
“A B-, and I get an A. You were so happy with the B- that you kissed Mr. Lloyd on the cheek.”
“I did not,” Carrie responded indignantly. Then her face reddened and she started to laugh.
“Yes. I do remember now. Oh good grief, it’s a wonder I made it through high school.”
“I’m just glad you picked me over Mr. Lloyd. You can’t say his Coke bottle glasses and red
curly hair weren’t sexy though.”
“Charlie! You make him sound like a clown in the circus.”
“Well if the hair fits…”
***
Later that night, Charlie woke with a terrible pain in the center of his chest. He sat straight
up in be and felt himself shaking. He nudged Carrie ever so gently in hopes to wake her.
“What’s wrong?” Carrie said startled into alertness as she turned on the lamp by the bed.
“My chest. It hurts. Bad.” Charlie could only speak in gasps the pain was so crushing.
“I’m calling 9-1-1, Charlie. Just stay calm.”
Charlie was calm. He knew Carrie was more telling herself that than to him.
Within ten minutes both the paramedics and Celina and Roger arrived. Celina’s snowy
white hair hung in loose ringlets around her face as she tried to remain calm.
50
“You’ll be fine, Charlie. Just let them do their job. Don’t worry about the kids. Roger and I
will make sure they…”
Before Celina could finish her sentence she was interrupted by the soft but uneasy voice of
her oldest great nephew, Thomas.
“What’s happening?” He asked, rubbing his eyes. “Why are you on that stretcher, Daddy?
Daddy, I thought you said you were fine.”
“I have some pain in my chest, slugger. It’s okay. I’m going to the hospital to get some
medicine to get rid of the pain. I’ll be home soon. Now let Aunt Celina tuck you back into bed. You
have school in a few hours. Momma will call Celina to tell her how I am, and then she’ll tell you,
okay? It’ll be okay, buddy.”
Thomas rushed over to where Charlie was and hugged him. Charlie tousled his hair and
whispered 'I love you' and then nodded to the paramedics.
Thomas, with tears in his eyes, watched as the paramedics carried his father out into the
cold December night. Carrie blew him a kiss and followed the paramedics. It was at that very
moment Thomas felt his childhood slip away.
51
– Chapter 15 –
“I’m afraid it’s a small tumor in your left lung, Charlie. We can operate, but given your
weakened condition from the chemo, it may make for a difficult and longer recovery.” Dr. Tyson
spoke in a guarded voice later that morning.
Charlie nodded. He feared this is what it was when he went in the room for his MRI shortly
after arriving at the hospital.
“But you can remove it by surgery. Charlie, what do you think?” Carrie’s eyes darted back
and forth between her husband and Dr. Tyson.
“I want it all to just go away. I’m so tired. It’s your call, Dr. Tyson.” Charlie closed his eyes
in both frustration and fatigue.
“Charlie, you and I both know it’s not up to me. You are the patient. You must agree to my
next course of action.”
“I’m not a patient, Dr. Tyson. I’m a victim,” Charlie muttered with some bitterness.
“Charlie, don’t say that! Don’t talk like that!” Panic swept through Carrie like a chilling
breeze. She actually shook as she tried to ready herself to say something to get Charlie to stop
talking like that.
“Charlie, sweetheart, I love you! The kids love you. You’ve had another terrible setback…”
Before she could finish her thought, Charlie opened his eyes and glared at Carrie. “A
setback? A setback implies that I’m going to live, Carrie. I am going to die. I have no chance of
living long enough to see my children grow up! I’ll be lucky if I get to see you give birth to that one.”
Charlie pointed at Carries midsection and closed his eyes again. Silence fell over the room. Dr.
Tyson looked at Charlie’s chart while Carrie tried her best not to cry.
“Charlie, maybe you should get some rest. It doesn’t have to be decided right now,” Carrie
said, breaking the silence.
52
“Yeah, it’s not like I have anything else to do. Oh wait, yeah I do, I have to figure out what
I’m going to do to provide a future for you and the kids after I’m dead. Oh and then there will be all
those medical bills. Ah yes, chemotherapy buys me more time. But it buys someone lie you, Dr.
Tyson, a new car.”
The bitterness of Charlie’s words was like nothing Carrie had ever heard before. Even when
he had his brain tumor, Charlie had never spoken like that to anyone, especially Dr. Tyson.
“What’s the point of any of this? I can have this tumor taken out and another one will make
a home in me somewhere. And every day, I feel a bit more tired, a bit weaker. It took me twenty
minutes to take a shower yesterday. I couldn’t even wash my back without help. And don’t get me
started on going to the bathroom.”
“Charlie, I’m not just your doctor, I am your friend. I advised you about chemotherapy
because I wanted you to have time to see your child come into the world – to get your affairs in
order. Charlie, you need to know that this is not what I want for any of my patients.”
“Carrie, I never should have married you.”
“What? You can’t mean that, Charlie. What about the kids? What about the life we’ve built
together?”
“I’m dying, Carrie. I’m leaving you alone to raise five small children. If I hadn’t…”
“You and I were meant to be together, Charles Wallace. I’m not going to just stand here and
let you say mean and hurtful things to me about our life together. This is not what I signed up for
either you know!”
An uneasy tension and silence filled the room like the air itself. Carrie turned her back and
began to cry, silent tears pouring down her pale cheeks. Dr. Tyson walked over to where Carrie
was. He put a hand on her shoulder, trying to get her attention.
53
“I just don’t understand why this is happening. If I didn’t believe in a loving and forgiving
God, I would say He was punishing us. For what? I don’t know. I just hate watching what’s
happening to him. Charlie is the kindest, most amazing man I know. Uh, no offense, Dr. Tyson.”
“None taken, Carrie. I know that this is awful. I have been a doctor for 40 years – 35 of
which I have worked as an oncologist. Every patient I have had has touched me in some way.
Terminal patients like Charlie make me want to work hard, explore more research, and do
everything I possible can to find a way to save the next patient.
What Charlie is feeling is both completely normal and completely understandable. Even if
Charlie had no one to leave behind, he would still be angry. It is all part of this terrible disease…”
“Carrie, turn around.” It was Charlie. His eyes were open now, and he motioned for her to
sit down next to him.
Carrie sat down next to him, and Charlie took her hand and held it to his chest. He had tears
in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Carrie. I said some lousy things that hurt you. I love you so much, and it
tears me up knowing that we don’t have much time left. I remember my dad getting mad at me
when I was two hours late for curfew when I was sixteen. Remember? We went to that blues
concert at Wylie’s and then drove to that hill that looked like it was a mountaintop. There were so
many stars, and you looked beautiful. And when I finally got home, my dad wanted to whip my butt.
‘How could you worry your mother and me like that?’”
Charlie now held both of Carrie’s hands and looked deep into her green eyes. “So, I said
‘Dad, I just can’t leave her. I want to spend every moment I can with her. A lifetime doesn’t seem
like enough.’” Charlie’s eyes filled with more tears, and he squeezed Carrie’s hands tight.
“And my father said ‘You’re right, son, it’s not.’”
Carrie fell into Charlie’s arms, and they both wept.
Wiping his eyes with a flannel
handkerchief. Dr. Tyson smiled at the young couple on the bed and left the room.
54
– Chapter 16 –
Charlie had the surgery the next day. He spent four more days in the hospital before he was
discharged. Chemotherapy was delayed until after New Year’s. Everyone was relieved that Charlie
was strong enough to have the surgery. They were even more pleased when he came home.
Charlie’s father and stepmother were now in Nashville and planned to spend Christmas with them.
Celina had graciously offered her home for the holiday dinner. With Charlie’s father, stepmother, his sister, Mark and Molly attending, along with Michael, Jamison and his family, there was
no way Carrie could fit everyone in her small dining room.
***
Christmas morning dawned bright and clear. An inch to two inches of snow lay softly on the
ground. Thomas Gabriel awoke first and quickly knocked on his sisters’ bedroom door followed by
an energetic rap on his brother’s door.
Charlie had fallen asleep only an hour or two before Thomas banged on his door. The sharp
pains in his lower abdomen had kept him awake most of the night. Carrie was already out of bed,
putting a lens cap on her digital camera that was already draped over her neck.
“I can tell the kids to wait in Ben’s room until you feel ready.”
“Nah, its Christmas, babe. These kids have been awake probably since midnight and biding
their time until the sun finally decided to come up. It would drive me bonkers if I had to wait. I’ll be
fine.”
***
Three hours and several dozens of pictures later, Charlie was dozing on the couch while
Carrie gently coerced the brood to eat some breakfast. As the kids ate their waffles, Carrie sat down
at the table and began to sing a Christmas carol.
55
“Momma, what are crying? ‘Away in the Manger’ is a happy song.” Lacy had stopped eating
and looked at her mother with a mixture of concern and surprise.
“Oh these are happy tears, doodlebug. Now, why don’t you girls go play with your new
dolls? Aunt Celina will be calling us soon to tell us we can come over.”
“I sure hope she likes the candle we got her. Mrs. Lyons said all ladies love candles,” Laci
said, putting her dishes in the sink.
“Momma, look – Ben’s asleep,” Lily said, pointing and giggling.
Sure enough Ben had fallen asleep with his hand still in his blue plastic bowl of fruit. Sticky
syrup outlined his lips and a tiny bit of waffle was stuck to his chin. Carrie smiled and picked up the
camera. This was a definite moment to capture on film. ‘What sweet innocence,’ Carrie thought as
she took two pictures in quick succession.
***
“Oh Celina, Roger, thank you so much. This is a top of the line mandolin. It’s quite
impressive, and I love the photo albums. These will be perfect for all the pictures I’ve taken this
year.”
“What do you mean this year? Those albums are probably going to be just for today,”
Charlie joked.
Carrie blushed, matching the red sweater Annabeth and Mark had given her. A smile spread
across Charlie’s face, and he leaned over and kissed his wife’s cheek.
A few moments later, Carrie and Charlie were alone in the family room. Annabeth and Mark
had given Thomas Monopoly for Christmas and offered to play with him. Molly told Laci and Lily
she would love to help create a fashion show for their new Barbie dolls. Uncle Roger was more than
willing to entertain Ben with his brand new puppets.
56
“It’s just us, Care. Merry Christmas!” Charlie handed Carrie a Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer gift bag.
“Charlie, you already bought me a new food processor, a blender, a robe, perfume, and some
CD’s. You’re spoiling me!”
“As well as I should! Now open it!”
Carrie pulled out a red velvet box from the gift bag and slowly opened it. There, resting
inside the box, was a beautiful necklace. It was delicate white gold with a circular pendant.
Embedded in the bottom of the circle were seven birthstones; each one represented a member of
their family. Inside the box there was a folded piece of paper.
Carrie opened the piece of paper as Charlie put the necklace around her neck. Tears filled
her eyes as she read the note.
Carrie,
A circle has no beginning, middle, or end like life does. But what it is
like is my love for you.
Always,
Charlie
Carrie pulled him close and kissed him passionately.
“Wow!” Thomas Gabriel said with wide eyes. “Daddy didn’t even need to use mistletoe.”
Charlie started to laugh and Carrie, with her head resting on his shoulder, laughed too. This
was one moment her heart would never forget.
57
– Chapter 17 –
“What an awesome job! I’m so proud of you! This calls for a celebration! Carrie, you’re not
cooking tonight. I’m treating all of us to dinner at wherever Thomas Gabriel wants to go.”
Charlie was elated that he felt up to attending Thomas Gabriel’s karate tournament.
Thomas had done very well, and Charlie was impressed with his son’s concentration and
sportsmanship.
“So, where do you want to go, sport?” Charlie asked, tousling his son’s hair.
“Well, I kind of want to go to the café so I can show Aunt Celina and Uncle Roger my medals
and new belt.”
“Yum! Aunt Celina has great cheesy chicken on the menu. Let’s go there, Daddy! Please!”
Lily said, clutching his hand.
“Cheesy chick’n, Daddy,” Ben said from his car seat.
“Well, what d’you think, Thomas?” Carrie said, putting the key in the ignition.
“Cheesy chicken sounds like something a karate champ would eat,” Thomas said, smiling
and sitting up a little straighter.
“Funny, I thought you should get pork chops,” Charlie said, trying rather unsuccessfully not
to laugh.
“Daddy!”
All the kids, even little Ben, groaned over their dad’s joke. Carrie shook her head and
chuckled, thanking God silently for the gift of laughter and for giving Charlie this day.
58
Later that evening, Thomas knocked on his parents’ bedroom door. Charlie was writing in
his own journal now while Carrie sorted pictures out on her side of the bed. An 80’s greatest hits
CD played softly in the background.
“Thomas it’s 8:30, you should be sleeping already,” Carrie said, gently admonishing her son.
“I know. It’s just that, well…”
“Thomas, what is it, son? You know you can tell your mom and me anything. Now, sit here
next to me and tell is what’s wrong.”
Thomas walked into the bedroom and sat at the edge of his parents’ bed. From behind his
back, he pulled out one of his new karate medals. On the front side of the round medal, at the top,
the word COURAGE was carved in capital letters.
“Well, Daddy, I, um, uh. I want you to have this.” The boy stammered softly.
“Thomas Gabriel, you earned this medal today, and you should wear it proudly. I couldn’t
begin to accept this. You earned it, Thomas, and I am so touched that you want me to have it, but I
don’t deserve it”
“But, Daddy,” Thomas Gabriel was just as determined as his father. “You are the bravest
person I have ever met. I want you to have it, Daddy, so you remember just how brave you are even
when you’re feeling so sick. So, now you need to wear it.”
Thomas placed the medal around his father’s neck. He smiled as he looked at his father, the
middle of his chest brightened by the large silver-colored medal.
“Now, it’s where it should be,” Thomas said proudly. “Goodnight, Momma,” he whispered
and kissed her goodnight.
“Goodnight, honey. Love you.”
“Love you, too!”
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“Thomas,” Carrie stammered, “I am so proud of you. So proud of the person you are
becoming. I hope you know how much I love you, son.”
“Of course I do, Daddy, you’re wearing my medal.”
Thomas trotted over and gave his father a hug; the medal pressed against his pajama top.
Charlie used all of his waning strength and returned the hug. How much he wanted to show
courage during these final months, how much love he hoped to give.
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– Chapter 18 –
The snow fell in soft silence as Carrie sat at the kitchen table icing heart-shaped Valentine
sugar cookies. Thomas and Charlie were at Thomas’ karate class. The girls were with Celina,
making sourdough bread and lemon tarts. Ben played with an old calculator and a pair of green
oven mitts, trying to wait patiently for an iced cookie to be put on his ‘Lion King’ plate.
As she put the last of the red, pink, and white sprinkles on the last cookie, she felt the baby
kick her sharply in the ribs. Carrie smiled and placed her hand on her bulging midsection.
“Benjamin, Benny-bunny, come here. Momma wants to see you.”
Benjamin scampered into the kitchen. He held out his hand expecting to see his mother
place a warm, sweet cookie in his hand, but he felt no such thing; instead, his mother put his hand
on her belly and left it there.
When the baby kicked, Ben’s eyes grew wide in surprise. Then he began to laugh. Carrie
held Ben close to her, as together they celebrated the precious gift of life.
***
Charlie was grateful that Peter Darce had agreed to meet him at Celina’s Café that blustery
morning the day after Valentine’s Day. He was feeling so weak, and his pain was occurring more
frequently, making it hard to do any work.
“Peter, great to see you,” Charlie said, rising to his feet to shake Peter’s hand.
“You, too,” Peter said, noticing his supervisor’s grip was much weaker than it had been at
the radio station’s traditional holiday party.
Charlie smiled and motioned for Liza, Celina’s much loved waitress, to come over to take
their orders. Peter had only been to Celina’s a couple of times before so he wasn’t quite sure what
to order.
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“Uh, um, what do you recommend?” Peter muttered into his menu.
“The southwest chili is filled with great stuff-like red peppers, jalapeno peppers, and ground
sirloin. I’d love to eat a bowl of it, but I haven’t been able to have it since…”
Peter felt a pang of sorrow hit him in the chest. He truly liked Charlie; He knew that it must
be like walking a tight rope when you knew you were dying, never knowing when you might fall.
Even worse knew there was no net underneath to catch you when you did finally slip and fall.
“Uh, Peter, Liza may turn prematurely grey if you don’t order soon.”
“The chili sounds good,” Peter answered. His cheeks flushed and he smiled sheepishly at
Liza who smiled back with a warmth and ease that made Peter’s heart pound just a bit harder.
“Would you like cornbread with that? I made a fresh batch this morning.”
“Yes, that sounds good. So you bake too?”
“I am in my last year of culinary school. I’ve worked for Celina since I was 15. She was the
one who encouraged me to make cooking my profession. She’s been such a godsend to Joshua and
me.”
Peter suddenly felt his heart sink. Liza was married, or at the very least, seriously dating
someone. This feeling bewildered him because he never thought of himself as having time to
explore a relationship. He didn’t know the first thing about relationships because of his parents’
failings. As Liza walked towards the kitchen, Peter let out a small sigh.
“Joshua is Liza’s son. He’s Thomas Gabriel’s age. She got pregnant her freshman year of
college. Her father kicked her out of the house, so she lived with Celina and Roger for a while. They
live down the street in the Delaney Apartment complex. Josh is a great kid. He may become a great
centerfielder for the Red Sox some day. Anywhere really, just as long as it’s not the Yankees.”
“You seem to know a lot about them.”
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“Well, Celina is truly a mother hen; so, it’s not hard to get to know her little chicks. After all,
Carrie is one. Her parents died by the time she was ten.”
“Wow, I uh, had no idea. My parents split up when I was three. My mother re-married
when I was seven, but it didn’t last. They divorced when I was fourteen. I would have liked having
someone like Celina.”
“Here we are,” Liza cheerfully called to the small booth. “Chicken and dumplings for you,
Charlie and chili for…”
“I’m Peter. Peter Darce.”
“And chili for Peter – Peter Darce,” Liza laughed. Suddenly Peter wished he were a
comedian. He would love to make Liza laugh every day.
“Say Liza,” Charlie began, “I think you and Peter have something in common: you both are
big Vanderbilt fans. In fact, Peter graduated from there about ten years ago.”
“Really? What did you major in?”
“A double major: marketing and journalism. I thought I could market myself onto a big
newspaper like The New York Times or the Chicago Tribune.”
There was that laugh again. It was as light a feather and like a healing balm to the sorrow
he had felt when he first saw Charlie at the restaurant that afternoon.
“Well eat up before it gets cold. I’m on strict orders to make sure you eat, Charlie.”
“Whose orders?”
“Mine. Liza, here I brought you some Cobb salad. You haven’t had your break yet. Why
don’t you join these gentlemen? Unless, of course, this is a business lunch,” Celina said.
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“It is. I mean it was supposed to be, but we can talk over dessert,” Charlie said, winking at
his aunt.
“I see. Now all of you eat. I’m going back in the kitchen. You heard me, Charlie, you eat. I
got my orders from Carrie.”
Charlie ate in silence as he watched Liza and Peter talk about Vanderbilt basketball. There
was a light in Peter’s eyes Charlie had not seen before, and Liza seemed so relaxed and engaged in
the conversation. It was like they had known each other for years.
The chicken and dumplings tasted warm, comforting, and delicious. He did miss the chili
that was practically untouched in Peter’s bowl, but it wasn’t important; what was important was
that Charlie saw when he looked up from his bowl: Peter had written down what appeared to be
Liza’s phone number and address. Then both of them quickly began eating their lunches. Charlie
knew that the flush in Peter’s cheeks was not because of the chili. With a small grin, Charlie ate the
last of his dumplings.
God was indeed good.
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– Chapter 19 –
“Peter and Liza have been out every Friday and Saturday night. She’s even getting him to go
to Mass on Sunday mornings. What’s so amazing is he no longer wants to be Nashville’s most
committed bachelor,” Charlie said to Evelyn as she put the IV needle in his arm.
“So you’re quite the matchmaker then?” Evelyn said chuckling.
“I suppose so. Carrie thinks I’m trying to tie up loose ends, cross things off my list.”
“What list?”
“Oh, I don’t really have a list. I just have some hopes, wishes I guess, that I hope come true
before it happens. I have one for you, Evelyn.”
“For me?” Evelyn’s eyes widened in surprise. “What’s your wish?”
“My wish for you is simple: that you always know how much you are loved, and that the
people who love you appreciate you.”
“Charlie,” Evelyn said softly. “That’s quite a wish.”
“And one that will come true in 5, 4, 3, 2… 1!”
Evelyn turned around to see several past and present patients enter the room. In the
middle of the crowd, a young woman stepped forward and held out a package.
“Miss Evelyn, you were there for my mother every week of her treatment. Then you were
there to hold her hand when it was near the end. You sang to her, you wiped away her tears. My
momma loved you. All of us are gathered here to thank you. Thank you for not just being a nurse,
but for being a light in a world that is too often filled with darkness.”
Applause filled the room, and Evelyn looked around the room in amazed wonder. She
recognized practically every person who was now clapping for her. Just then Carrie walked in with
65
a cart carrying a cake shaped like a heart. Evelyn was lead to the cart, and her eyes, brimming with
tears, tried to focus on the cake.
In delicate yellow icing, Evelyn read “You are a Blessing”. Now with tears, and filled with
gratitude, Evelyn attempted to speak.
“All of you, all of you are blessings. When my dear husband, Joseph, lost his battle, I
promised to help others in their fight. He’s been gone twenty years now, and I’d like to think he’s
smiling down at all of us here.”
“There’s more, Evelyn,” Charlie said from his chair. “Sharon, the gift please.”
Sharon, the young woman who had made the speech to Evelyn moments before, handed
Evelyn her gift. With trembling hands, Evelyn opened it to find a picture frame. Inside the frame
was a sheet of paper with the words “Turn Around” written in the center.
Evelyn, confused, turned around and saw a young man with his arm around a woman near
Liza’s age carrying a tiny girl with small braids in her hair.
“Oh my sweet Jesus! Joseph Malachi, is that you?”
“Yes, momma, it is. Jasmine and I wanted to be here to celebrate your special day. Leah’s
two now, and she needs to see her Nana more than just every other holiday. I got a job in
construction about forty miles from here. We’ll be over every Sunday for supper if you’ll have us.”
“As long as I get to cuddle that grandbaby of mine the whole time,” Evelyn sobbed.
“It would be my great pleasure!” Joseph Malachi whispered.
“It can start right now,” Jasmine spoke softly, handing Rachel over to Evelyn’s waiting arms.
As Evelyn held her beautiful granddaughter, she turned to look at Charlie. Charlie smiled,
lighting up his whole face. She bent down and kissed his cheek.
66
“Guess you can check that off your wish list, Mr. Charlie Wallace.” She returned the smile.
“I love you too, Evelyn.”
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– Chapter 20 –
At the end of February, Carrie and Michael catered a 50th wedding anniversary party.
Michael was there, wiping Carrie’s tears away, as their oldest daughter toasted the couple. On the
ride back to Carrie’s house, Michael could feel Carrie retreating into her self-preserving silence.
“Carrie, sweetie, are you okay?” Michael asked, wishing he could pull over to the side of the
road so he could hug her.
“It’s hard, you know, I remember the last time we catered an anniversary party like this. It
was two days after Charlie was officially cancer free. I remember thinking this party will be for us
one day. Thomas Gabriel will toast us, and I’ll wear a corsage of pink roses just like I did when
Charlie and I went to our first dance.
“But tonight all I could think of was that in fifty years, Charlie will be long dead, and there
will be no toasts or pink roses. Charlie and I’ll barely have eleven years. We waited until we were
both done with school.
Charlie and I wanted to get married right out of high school until
practicality set in.”
“You were engaged only six months. I remember you both wanting to elope in Vegas.”
“Only because Marilyn was driving us crazy. She wanted us to have ice sculptures and a
champagne glass waterfall.”
“Ugh!” Michael murmured.
“It gets better. She wanted me to wear a tiara that her mother gave her to wear on her
wedding day. Or should I say wedding days? She is on husband number three.”
“You don’t much care for her, do you?”
“Well, she just is so different from Charlie’s mom. Charlie’s mom was kind, and she could
care less about fashion or make-up. She taught Charlie how to shoot a free throw and do laundry.
68
She gave Annabeth a microscope and helped her design and create her prom dress. She was the
kind of mom I wished ours would have been.”
“We had Celina. Celina saved us. I don’t have many memories of Dad, and the only
memories I have of Mom are crawling in her bed and reading Horton Hears a Who to her every day
after school for what seemed like forever.”
“I remember. I felt like we were the Whos, but we didn’t have a Horton.”
“Celina was our Horton. She was there for us.”
“I know. I just sometimes really needed a mom. She used to get so mad when I played any
of Daddy’s old records. She almost broke the James Taylor album I was playing when “Fire and
Rain” came on.”
Carrie was in near tears now. Michael pulled into an auto body shop’s parking lot and
unbuckled his seat belt. He leaned over and held his sister close to him.
A cascade of tears fell from Carrie’s eyes as she clutched her brother. She was mourning
their father and mother and her lost childhood. And then there was Charlie. After all of the pain
and heartache of childhood, there was Charlie. His warm smile, his goofy grin, and his deep faith in
God – Charlie was her rainbow after a tumultuous storm. And now that rainbow was fading.
Charlie had put the pieces of her broken heart together, and they made a family. A family who
would soon know the sadness and heartbreak of losing someone – it was too hard to bear.
“Carrie, I know this is a rotten thing – an unfair and awful thing that’s happening to Charlie.
Charlie has been such a big part of your life…”
“No, Michael,” Carrie said into her brother’s shoulder. “He is my life. He and the kids, this
baby, without them, I don’t know where I would be.”
“Carrie, look at me. Charlie loves you very much, and part of the reason he loves you is
because you’re strong and you’re brave.”
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Carrie, with tears still streaming down her cheeks, looked doubtfully at her brother.
“You are, Carrie. You’re a mother of four great kids.
You’re having a baby who was
conceived after you thought you would never get pregnant again. You’re taking care of Charlie
when he gets so sick from chemo he can barely move. If you weren’t so brave, so strong, you would
have walked away. Or you would hide in bed with a bottle of pills and a quart of gin. Mom never
had your courage. She could never do what you’re doing.”
“She didn’t have a chance to. Dad died so quickly that she didn’t have a chance to say
goodbye,” Carrie stammered.
“And you do, Carrie. It may be the most painful goodbye you’ll ever know, and I hope for
your sake it is. But you’ll be there holding his hand, and it’ll be then when you finally know you’re
strong and brave.”
“Why then?”
“Because you’ll let his hand go so God can hold it.”
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– Chapter 21 –
By the beginning of March, spring finally seemed to arrive in Nashville. It had been a cold
and gray February, but March began with sun, and its warmth was welcomed by everyone in
Nashville.
It was on St. Patrick’s Day that Peter Darce told Liza Jennings that he had fallen in love with
her and Josh. They were sitting on Liza’s couch, sipping white wine that Liza playfully put green
food coloring in and watching an old movie on cable.
“I love Katherine Hepburn movies, especially when she starred in ones with Spencer Tracy.
They were lovers for years.”
“Liza, I was wondering, how do you feel about me?”
“Oh, Pete,” she aid softly. She was the only one who could call him Pete. No one else had
ever been that close. “You’re wonderful.”
Peter put his glass down and took Liza’s hands. He looked deeply into her eyes and cleared
his throat. These were words he had never said to anyone before. He smiled and cleared his throat
again.
“Are you okay? Is it the wine? Maybe I should have gotten red?”
“It’s not the wine, Liza. It’s me. I’m a wreck.”
“Why, what’s wrong? Is it Charlie? Celina didn’t say anything at work today.”
“No it’s not Charlie. I haven’t heard anything. It’s just that, well, I’ve told you about my past.
My father and I barely speak. Heck, it’s been ten years since I’ve seen him. My mom would rather
drink than pick up and call me. My sister lives in Arizona, and I barely know who she is. She likes it
that way. Our childhood didn’t give us a good foundation for building relationships. I’m rambling, I
know. God, this was much easier to say when I was in the shower this morning.
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“Pete, you can say anything to me. We can talk all night if you need to. I’m not going
anywhere. Of course, this is my apartment.”
“I love you, Elizabeth. I love you.”
“Pete, oh Pete, don’t you know I love you, too?”
“I do now.”
Nothing much was said after that. Peter liked it that way. So did Liza.
***
With his heart beating a little faster than he liked, Charlie sat on the examining table at Dr.
Tyson’s office. It was the first official day of spring, and sun filtered through the blinds of the lone
window in the small room.
Ben had the sniffles so Carrie had left him with Celina. Carrie was writing down an
extensive shopping list. Thomas Gabriel had grown two inches since summer, and he needed new
clothes and shoes. All the kids needed clothes and shoes. “Thank goodness for uniforms,” Celina
had murmured as she hugged Carrie goodbye.
Celina was right; the only clothes they all needed were play clothes and some dress clothes
for church. But for four children, it was a lot. Charlie had given Carrie a good chunk of their tax
refund to pay for the impending shopping spree.
“Let’s see, four pairs of shorts, six or seven t-shirts for Thomas. Maybe more shorts than
that – a couple pair of jeans, two pairs of dress slacks; new shoes, too. Oh, Charlie, this is going to be
quite an expensive undertaking.”
“Poor choice of words here at my oncologist’s office, Care.”
Carrie felt her face flush, and she smiled an awkward smile at her husband. Charlie paid no
attention as he continued to just look at his legs dangling over the table’s edge.
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***
Dr. Tyson studied the MRI images a second, then a third time. He took off his glasses and
rubbed his eyes. This was part of the job he dreaded and tried so hard to not let his emotions get in
the way of what he had to tell his patients.
He recalled the stunned silence he received when he told he parents and siblings that he
decided to devote his practice to helping all cancer patients, regardless if they had good insurance
or not. Growing up with a father who worked as a highly skilled heart surgeon and a mother who
worked as a college chemistry professor, Dr. Tyson had a natural curiosity and a desire to help
others.
But when he told his family that this was what he wanted to pursue, the silence filled the
room the way an elephant would fill an elevator. It practically suffocated him. Finally, his mother
patted him on the shoulder, gave him a half-hearted kiss on the cheek before leaving to check on
dinner.
“You’ll probably lose more than you save,” Francis Tyson said to his oldest son. “Can you
live with that?”
“I can’t live with not saving any,” he responded quietly but firmly.
Shaking his head as if to loosen the image from the shackles of his memory, Dr. Tyson made
his way to Exam Room B – Charlie’s room.
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– Chapter 22 –
Carrie sat in stunned, sad silence, gently fingering the birthstone circle necklace. She had
felt a sob and managed to muffle it in a tissue. Dr. Tyson had his left hand on Charlie’s shoulder.
Charlie just kept staring at his legs. His eyes were blank and his emotions were uncharacteristically
hidden from view.
“Charlie, I checked the scans three times. There is a tumor in your bowel and another in
your colon. They can be treated surgically, but you will need a colostomy bag.”
“No! I am not going to have a bag! It’s bad enough my wife has to clean up my crap when I
can’t make it to the friggin’ toilet.”
The harshness of Charlie’s words ripped open the wounds the past several months of
Charlie’s illness had inflicted on Carrie’s spirit.
“Charlie, you have to have this surgery. Dr. Tyson said that they are growing too fast for the
chemo to treat.”
Charlie didn’t want to hear any more reasons why or why not. He wanted to jump off that
examining table and get into the care and drive the car into the nearest lake and be done with it.
But he couldn’t move, he couldn’t even drive. There was a helplessness that invaded his entire body
and with it came, not tears, but anger.
“I am so damn tired of fighting this! I am tired of going to chemo every week and still the
cancer grows. It stopped lurking a long time ago, and it’s just barged in taking over every single
part of my life. I can’t eat what I want. Forget sex; I can’t even stand to look at myself. I’m
drowning, and I can’t even manage to yell for help. I just want to let the waves crash over me until I
can’t be found!”
“Charlie!” Carrie had stood up now. Her eyes were glaring tight at Charlie’s like fiery
embers of a bonfire just lit. “Charlie Wallace, how do you think I feel when I hear you say that? Or
did you forget I’m here?”
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She did not know what to say anymore. She was angry, too furious, to try and comfort him.
But in the deepness of her anger, there was such heartbreaking sorrow that wanted her to hold him
to her heart – to shield him from cancer’s fatal blows. But she stayed right where she was. It was as
if her feet were cemented to the floor and all that she could do was just stand there and look at
Charlie.
The words from Carrie felt like a slap across his weary face. The eyes glaring at him were
like daggers in his chest. He cast a quick glance at Dr. Tyson who sat on his stool and rubbed his
neck as if trying to eliminate the tension that had barreled its way into the room only moments
before.
Carrie suddenly drew the courage to speak again. Her eyes were no longer filled with anger,
but anguish. Charlie did not know which look hurt him more.
“Charlie, when I married you, I promised to love you and honor you all the days of my life.
And being with you through sickness and in health – even when it’s been devastating, I’m still here.
I know you’re angry – scared, too. So am I. But if you give up now, you will miss so much.”
She placed a trembling hand on her large abdomen. “This child is going to be here in just a
few short weeks. This precious miracle no one thought we could have is coming. And yes, this little
one will be, without a daddy sooner than it is fair to even consider talking about. But you want to
throw it all away now. You don’t get to make that choice, Charlie Wallace.
You and I both know none of this has been our choice. If I had my way, you never would
have gotten sick in the first place. But you did, and then you were better for a while. But now we’re
back in here again, and this time you’re not going to make it.
You are going to die, Charlie. As much as I would rather walk through hell, I have come to
realize that its going to happen one day, and nothing I can say or do will change that. We can beg
and plead, promise and cajole, barter and reason, but the fact of the matter is, you’re dying. You will
be leaving me behind.
But I won’t be alone. I’ll have the kids, and I’ll have Celina and Roger… I’ll have people to
lean on, to cry with, and know this Charlie Wallace, you will never be alone either.”
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“What do you mean?” Charlie could barely make the words come out.
“God will be with you, and that my dear husband, is my wish for you.”
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– Chapter 23 –
Carrie took a step back and looked at herself in the mirror. Today was the day: delivery day.
Charlie’s condition had worsened after his surgery just three weeks before, and Carrie had asked
her Ob-Gyn to induce her at 39 weeks.
“I think you would probably deliver then any way, but I have no problem inducing you. It’s
been a relatively healthy and normal pregnancy for you, and the baby is definitely big enough. I
admire you so much, Carrie. You’ve been through so much these past three years, and you are
handling it with grace and strength.”
Tears cam into her eyes when she heard her doctor’s words repeat in her head. There were
times in these past several months she felt less than graceful and certainly very weak. Carrie
smoothed the mint green maternity top over her large baby bump, and she again looked at herself
in the mirror. She felt much older than her 34 years, but when she looked at herself in the mirror,
she saw the young teenaged Carrie staring back at her.
The teenager was wearing a crushed red velvet dress with a diamond shaped opening in the
back between her shoulder blades. It was the second dress she had tried for its simple elegance.
This was her first dance with Charlie. After weeks of movies, bad bowling, and a memorable young
Life trip the summer before, Charlie and Carrie were finally going to a dance, a date that required
dress shoes, not shoes you had to rent.
Carrie smiled as she lifted herself out of her memory to sit down and try to put her socks on.
After about five minutes of still having bare feet, Carrie put on a pair of flip-flops. It was quite warm
for April, and she could always stuff a pair in her suitcase.
“Carrie, honey, are you ready?”
“Yes, I’ll be down in a minute, Aunt Celina.”
Charlie was waiting in the car’s front passenger seat. His smile was radiant as Carrie
climbed slowly into the back seat behind the driver’s side. Michael was taking them to the hospital.
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“You call as soon as you get settled. The kids will want to know you’re okay. I’m amazed
how fast the time has gone. It seems like you were just pregnant with Thomas Gabriel. I’m praying
for you, Carrie, and for you too, Charlie,” Celina spoke tearfully.
“What about me, Aunt Celina?”
“I’m praying you don’t get a speeding ticket, Michael Patrick. Now, go on now, I’m cooking
and I can’t just let everything burn. I love you. All of you.”
***
Carrie felt another contraction and wished that the epidural would come soon. But she was
only 3cm dilated, and Dr. Moran liked to wait until her expectant mothers were about 5 or 6
centimeters. Charlie put in another CD from the small collection they had taken to the hospital.
Soon, the smooth velvety voice of Frank Sinatra filtered through the speakers.
Through a gritted-teeth contraction, Carrie shook her head. Charlie knew that Carrie
needed different music. He replaced the crooner with Billy Joel’s Songs From the Attic, one of
Carrie’s favorite albums. As the contraction ended, she breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thanks, Charlie. I don’t think ‘The Chairman of the Board’ could help me dilate. Hey, are
you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just anxious to see this baby. And,” he paused to pick up a book, “we still haven’t
decided on a name for out little linebacker.”
“Or our little princess,” Carrie said. “It was your idea to be surprised. I agreed with you
when you said we needed a happy surprise. Oh wow! I think I better have this baby soon because
these contractions are really starting to bug me.”
***
Carrie closed her eyes and pushed. The labor had finally progressed to the pushing stage
after ten long hours. Charlie held her hand, whispering words of encouragement.
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“Just a couple more pushes, Carrie, you’re doing great. Charlie, are you ready to meet your
fifth starter on your basketball team?” Dr. Moran said.
Charlie nodded and held Carrie’s hand tighter. Carrie inhaled and pushed again. In the
mirror, she could see her baby’s head. This beautiful baby was mere moments from being born.
“I just need on more big push. That’s a girl. Here’s the baby. Lots of brown hair like
Thomas… here’s your baby.” Dr. Moran announced.
Charlie and Carrie gazed down at the baby now resting on Carrie’s mid-section. Both began
to laugh and cry at the same time.
“Thank you, Lord,” Charlie murmured as his hand went for the scissors to cut the cord.
“Yes,” Carrie said. “Thank heaven for little girls, and for days like this.”
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– Chapter 24 –
Charlie stayed awake on the rollaway bed the hospital provided for fathers in the maternity
ward. He gazed at his beautiful wife sleeping with her hand in his. He then let his eyes drift to the
tiny baby in her hospital crib. She had Charlie’s eyelashes, his nose, and the hair Charlie had loved
to run his fingers through – Carrie’s hair.
After months of wondering if he was right about having a linebacker, Charlie was thrilled to
have a little girl. Charlie shuffled over to the crib and ruffled her hair. She was perfect – ten tiny
fingers and ten tiny toes. Charlie felt a tear drip down his cheek and he sighed deeply.
“Baby girl, I love you so much. Your life is just beginning while mine is ending. Oh don’t cry,
darlin’, I’m going to a better place. You’re so blessed. You have a wonderful momma and two
brothers and two sisters who will love you and care for you so much. You have a family who loves
you so much – like Aunt Celina and Uncle Roger and Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom. Your Uncle Michael
wants to take you to a hockey game. Your Aunt Annabeth wants you to learn how to ski.
All I ask of you is to love God and your family as much as I did, well do. All I want for you is
a lifetime filled with happiness and laughter. I can’t be here to protect you and dry your tears when
you fall off your bike or when some boy breaks your heart.
But remember I’ll be in your heart. I’ll always love you, my sweet little girl. And if I can, I’ll
always be watching you from Heaven – always.”
He leaned down and kissed his daughter’s forehead. Carrie was fast asleep, unaware of
Charlie’s first father – daughter talk with their youngest child.
***
Charlie kept flipping through the baby name book as Carrie nursed the baby.
“Alexa?”
“No way.”
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“Audrey?”
“Be serious.”
“Charlie, we’ve been through this. I don’t like many of the names you’ve come up with from
that book. Keep looking.”
“Lauren?”
“That’s pretty, but she looks like her name should be shorter. She’s tiny, delicate like a
flower.”
“She’s not going to be named Daisy is she?”
“No. I like Lauren, but she doesn’t really look like a Lauren. And just because I said she
looked like a flower doesn’t mean I want to name her Daisy.”
As she burped her tiny daughter, the name came to her like a flash. Why hadn’t she though
of it before?
“I have the name. It’s perfect. It fits her perfectly.”
“Well, are you going to tell me before she graduates from preschool?”
Carrie smiled sadly at Charlie and she handed their daughter to him.
“Catherine. Catherine Grace Wallace. Cate for her nickname.”
“Carrie, are you sure?”
“Yes, your mother loved you as deeply as you love this little girl. I want part of her to
always know that. So, say hello to the world, Catherine Grace. We’ve been waiting for you.”
***
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Charlie and Carrie brought Cate home from the hospital the next morning. Celina scurried
the children from the room anytime Carrie needed to nurse. Charlie slept some, but he tried to stay
awake because he didn’t want to miss a thing – a bath, a dirty diaper. No matter what it was, he
wanted to experience it.
Before everything faded away – before he left them.
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– Chapter 25 –
“Charlie, this is a surprise. I didn’t expect to see you,” Peter Darce stood at his desk and
watched in dismayed silence as his mentor hobbled in.
It was early May, and Charlie was riddled with pain. The cancer had seemed to fill him with
more pain and less energy every day. He had to use a cane because the pain in his abdomen was so
acute that it made it hard to walk.
“See me alive?” Charlie questioned with an eyebrow raised.
“No, that’s not what I meant, I just…”
“I was kidding, Peter. Please sit down.”
Peter sat down in his chair behind his desk. It felt odd to sit there like he was the one who
was in charge. To ease his troubled conscience, he got up and sat in the chair next to Charlie.
“I’m here to tell you congratulations. You are now WRDM’s News Director. I tendered my
resignation effective immediately. You have done an exceptional job since I got sick again, and I
want you to be my replacement.
You are a good journalist and an even better leader. Your work on the air and behind the
scenes have helped improve our ratings. I’ve been reading fan comments on the station’s website.
The people trust you. They like you. Most of all, they respect you. So do I.”
Peter could barely breathe. Charlie was leaving in the station for good now. The cancer was
backing him against the ropes, but Charlie wasn’t about to hit the canvas yet. All Peter could do was
shake his head in disbelief.
“Peter, this is a good thing for you. You deserve this promotion. You are a good man and
good things happen to good people.”
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“But how does that explain your cancer? You’re one of the most decent people I have ever
met, and you’re dying! You’re leaving so much, so many behind!”
Peter turned away from Charlie. There were tears in his eyes, and Charlie had probably
already seen too many tears. Peter felt like he was drifting, and there was no way to stay on level
ground.
“Peter, I am leaving my family and friends behind, and it hurts worse than the disease that’s
killing me. But God didn’t give me this cancer. The God I believe in gave me a chance to meet Carrie
and to fall in love with her – then to marry her and make five babies with her. Cancer or a car
accident – it doesn’t matter. It’s loving and being loved that does.”
“I just wish there was something I could do – say – anything to make you better.”
“But you can’t, Peter. You know what you can do for me, what my wish for you is?”
“No, I don’t know.”
“Live your life completely without regret and share your heart without fear. And to always
look in the mirror and like what you see; to love deeply and fully; to look back on your life, before
you take your last breath, and know you truly lived because you loved and were loved.
I want you to know, Peter Darce, that the journey was worthy of the final destination.”
Peter, his hand shook slightly, gently patted Charlie’s shoulder. Tears brimmed in his eyes
and could barely speak.
“Thank you, Charlie.”
“Goodbye, my friend.”
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– Chapter 26 –
Charlie could barely open his eyes that Wednesday morning two weeks later. In early dawn,
the house was quiet. Carrie was sleeping in the rocking chair with baby Cate sleeping peacefully in
her bassinette. Charlie blinked again and tried to focus his eyes somewhere, but try as he might, his
eyes remained heavy and blurry. He tried to sit up, but the room began to spin around.
Beads of perspiration appeared on his forehead while the pounding of his heart made him
think everyone could hear it. Charlie was in pain; every part of his body ached or felt like daggers
piercing his flesh. Then he began to shake.
His whole body seemed to be in spasm. He soon felt the warm hands of his wife. She was
holding him, protecting him from hurting himself. The trembling stopped, and Charlie felt a cool
washcloth being dabbed across his flushed face.
“Care.” His voice was muffled like he had swallowed cotton.
“Shh. Dr. Tyson will be here soon. Just try and rest. Celina’s with the kids.”
“See. See them.” Again the voice felt garbled.
“You will. Soon. But you need to rest now. I’ve called Dr. Tyson, and he’ll be here soon.”
“Carrie,” Charlie said as every syllable was painful to say. “Carrie, love you.”
Tears were in his eyes from fear and pain and tinged with a realized sorrow.
“Carrie, I do love you, love us.”
“Oh, Charlie, I know that, sweetie.”
“We’re a circle.”
“Yes, Charlie. I love you so much.”
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“A circle,” she said between sobs. Charlie closed hi eyes, holding his wife’s hand.
***
They all gathered around the bed.
Thomas Gabriel had a tight grip on his brother,
Benjamin’s hand. Laci and Lily lay on each side of their father, their heads resting on his chest.
Cate, sweet baby Cate, slept in her bassinette, blissfully unaware of what was happening.
Thomas Wallace stood at the foot of the bed. His face showed no emotion except for the
slight quiver in his lower lip. Marilyn held tightly to his arm, tears in her eyes as she stared at her
stepson.
Celina knelt by Charlie’s bedside – her fingers clutching her rosary beads. Roger held her,
his eyes staring straight ahead. Michael stood in the far corner of the room, comforting a sobbing
Annabeth. Annabeth’s stepdaughter would be flying to Nashville that afternoon.
Carrie sat with Charlie, her fingers still entwined with his. Her baby girl lay sleeping in her
bassinette while Laci and Lily lay next to their father. Carrie sighed and fought back tears as she
heard them singing softly to their father.
“How much is…”
“I love you, a bushel…”
Each one singing a different song; both songs filled the silence with hope and some cheer. It
reminded Carrie of those nights when the girls were babies, and Charlie tried everything he could to
help them fall asleep. He even sang Bible verses. Now Laci and Lily were singing to their father,
songs from deep within their hearts’ memories.
Dr. Tyson sat at the kitchen table with tears in his eyes. This had always been the most
anguishing part of his vocation – when life was measured in hours, mere moments, instead of the
years everyone naively thought they were deserving of. Charlie had sat down with him just a few
days ago and told him he knew his time was drawing close. His time to say goodbye was at hand.
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“I just have a feeling – a strong feeling that God is calling me home, and I need to answer
Him this time.”
“Are you in a lot of pain? I can prescribe some morphine, something I can give you to make
you more comfortable.”
“Yes. I’m in a lot of pain. But I don’t want anything. It’s going to happen soon, and I want to
spend all the time I can fully present with my wife and kids. I don’t want to be doped up and
sleeping all the time.”
“All right, Charlie. Have you talked to Carrie about this?”
“She and I discussed it shortly after my last surgery. We both agree that I should be home. I
need to see my kids – to say goodbye.”
His face contorted then, in a mixture of pain and heartache. He sipped some water and
cleared his throat, preparing to speak again.
“There is never going to be a good death, unless you live to be 100 and die in your bed.
Even then, you’re still leaving someone behind. But I want to be home. I want to feel Carrie near
me, hear her voice… You understand, don’t you?”
“Yes, Charlie. I do.”
“Good.”
***
“Hello, Dr. Tyson. You may not remember me, but I’m Father Stephen Browning. I’m sorry
to interrupt your thoughts, but I wanted to let you now that I just gave Charlie last rights. His
breathing is quite irregular, kind of labored. I’m not a doctor, but I think it may be soon.”
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“Yes, I know. Charlie spoke of you often. I’m glad you could be here, Father. Charlie always
held fast to his faith. Even during this difficult time I find most patients suddenly finding God. But
not Charlie, God has a home in Charlie’s heart already.”
Dr. Tyson and Father Stephen made their way up the stairs to Charlie and Carrie’s bedroom.
The children, tears filling their innocent eyes, trudged out of the room, heartbreaking glances back
at the bedroom as they headed for the stairs. Celina closed the door behind her, and all seemed still.
Carrie was the only one who remained from the family vigil just moments before. Roger
and Thomas were outside with Michael waiting for the funeral home director to call. Carrie did not
want the children to hear any conversations regarding their father’s funeral, not yet, not when
Charlie was still breathing.
“Charlie’s breathing is so shallow, Dr. Tyson. It’s time, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is almost time.”
Tears filled her eyes as she continued to look at her husband. She took deep breaths, as if
she were breathing for Charlie. She wiped the tears away with a discarded tissue. She leaned in
and kissed his forehead, then his cheeks, and finally his lips, which still felt warm to the touch.
“Life with you was a dream come true, Charlie. But now, I have to wake up without you here
next to me. I know where you’re going, Charlie. There will be no pain, no cancer, no tumors; you’ll
be surrounded by warmth; loving arms will hold you close; God will welcome you home.”
“Oh, Charlie. I so wanted to spend every second of every minute of our lives loving you –
you loving me. I think we did that. Even when it was hard, when the cancer seemed to be in
control, we held onto each other.
I have to let you go now, Charlie. Loving you was God’s gift to me, and I thank Him for that.
Goodbye, Charlie, my angel. When you smiled at me in algebra class all those years ago, when your
blue eyes pierced my heart like Cupid’s arrow, I knew what love was. Now I know letting you go is
what love is, too. Into your hands, precious Lord, I give you Charlie, your faithful servant. Goodbye,
my love. Our circle will never be broken.”
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Carrie let go of Charlie’s hand and collapsed into the waiting arms of her brother, Michael,
who had just entered the room.
“Shh, shh, it’s okay, Carrie. Remember what I told you? You are strong. You are brave. He’s
holding God’s hand now.”
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– Chapter 27 –
Carrie could barely feel Michael helping her to her feet. A soft pinging of an afternoon rain
could be heard on the roof. Carrie closed her eyes and listened to its sound, wishing that when she
opened them Charlie would be standing next to her. But when she finally, and reluctantly, opened
her eyes, Michael was the only one standing there. Carrie looked down and gazed at Charlie. His
face looked so smooth, his hands rested on top of the sheet, folded as if in prayer.
Carrie felt rooted to the carpeted floor. Nothing compelled her to move. If Charlie no longer
moved, then neither would she. She would stay there, her gaze steady on Charlie. Maybe if she
stayed there long enough, God would let her go with Charlie. She was so much stronger, so much
better with him than she had ever been without him.
She shivered as if death had left a chill behind when it took Charlie. Michael reached for her,
but her hand flinched at the touch. How dare he think she would leave Charlie there alone. There
were no tears. Carrie could not cry anymore. Her soul was parched, thirsting for the love only
Charlie could give. Without it, she, like an un-watered plant, would wither and fall to the ground.
Nothing would be able to save it, crumbling to the slightest touch.
She studied the stillness of Charlie’s chest. Just minutes, or was it hours ago, her daughters
lay their heads there, listening to the heart of their father beat before the last battle ended in the
enemy’s triumph.
Her children – a flash of panic streaked across her face. She tried to speak, but she
remained mute; her voice was as still as Charlie himself.
“The kids went to Aunt Celina and Uncle Roger’s house. They are okay.”
Okay? Okay? Carrie wanted to scream. She wanted to grab Michael by the shoulders and
shake him until he realized nothing was okay. Nothing could ever be okay again. She wasn’t there
on the bed next to Charlie. Charlie was there in the bed, motionless and silent. Gone was the light
in his eyes. Vanished was the smile he only had for her. And as the rain quickly subsided and sun
filtered through the draperies, Carrie felt anger coursing through her.
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How dare the sun shine when Charlie could no longer feel its warmth? How could there be
sun when all she felt was the chill of winter seep into her and the darkness of a forbidden cave
creep into the place where her heart had been.
Charlie? Where are you? You can’t be gone. I see your body right there under those sheets
Marilyn bought when she was in Tuscany. Where are you? Do you need a blanket, or am I the only
one feeling like ice?
I didn’t want to say goodbye. I wanted, still want, to come with you. Please, Charlie. I want
to be with you. You’re warm and safe now. I want to be warm and safe with you.
Charlie! Charlie, please don’t leave me! What do you mean I can’t go with you? Why? Why
are you being so selfish? This is what I want – what I thought we both wanted! Charlie, Charlie!
Oh, Charlie, oh please don’t go! Let me hold your hand again! Just one more kiss. Charlie,
oh Charlie, your lips are so cold. I feel frozen inside. Warm me, Charlie. Charlie! Oh Charlie. I’m
falling, Charlie. Catch me, Charlie! Charlie!
And in her silent screams, Carrie fell to the ground waiting for the man she loved to pick her
up. But all the while, knowing he was gone, leaving her to weep in the frozen and bitter sunlit room.
Alone.
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– Chapter 28 –
“Damn! I can’t tie this tie!” Peter Darce threw it on the floor of his living room.
“Oh Pete, let me do it!”
Liza stood facing him. Her gentle, manicured hands tied his tie with ease. After it was tied,
she put her arms around him, holding him close. The smell of her perfume reminded him about
what really mattered to him: life – the feeling of Liza’s arms around him. The feeling of security
knowing everything he was feeling that day would be understood by Liza. Liza had opened his
heart and gave him a reason to believe in what had long eluded him: the power and the saving grace
of love.
“Margaret Rankin wrote such a lovely tribute to Charlie in the Nashville Gazette. Did you
read it?” Liza said breaking the embrace so she could pick up her car keys.
“Yes, it was well done. Charlie always liked the way Margi wrote. She never has lost the
desire to write with passion and honesty. So many of us lose our kindness and even dare I say, our
humanity, when we first get published regularly. Charlie respected Margi, and her tribute just was
a way to say thank you.”
“I feel so heartsick for Carrie. I offered to watch the kids so she could rest, but she said she
was fine.”
“She is quite the woman. Celina has tried to get her to slow down, but she won’t. She
cleaned her house from top to bottom the day after Charlie died. Then she made a bunch of
casseroles for the church’s food pantry that night.”
“Carrie just lost her husband, and she is thinking of others. That’s so like her. But she needs
to take time to grieve, to mourn her loss,” Liza said while waling toward the door.
“Josh, let’s go. We’re leaving now. Josh?”
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“Coming.” Josh met his mother and Peter in the living room. He wore a dark blue suit that
Peter had bought him just the day before. Peter put a hand on the boy’s shoulder and ushered him
out the door.
***
“Momma, are you sure you don’t want Jasmine or I to take you to the funeral? It’s not a
problem; in fact, it would be nice for us to pay our respects. Mr. Wallace was so kind putting
together that party for you.”
“That was just how Charlie was. He was a gentleman. His momma raised him to be one. It
breaks my heart knowing he left five little ones behind.”
“Let’s all go, Momma. Jasmine and I’ll go with you.”
“But what about Leah?”
“Lena is here. She’ll watch her.”
Jasmine’s sister was visiting from Ohio and had taken a shine to Leah, relishing her role as
Aunt Lena.
“Oh, Joseph. I am so glad you’re here, and not just today.”
“I know, Momma. Me too.”
***
Dr. Tyson turned his car radio to WRDM, Charlie’s first pride and joy. The song “Friends” by
Michael W. Smith was just ending. A female voice Dr. Tyson did not recognize began to speak.
“You’re listening to WRDM, Redemption Radio. I’m Lucy Stewart. Today our hearts and
prayers go out to the family and friends of Charles Wallace, our news director and steadfast friend.
Charlie died after a battle with cancer. Please keep his wife, Carrie, and their children: Thomas
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Gabriel, Laci, Lily, Benjamin, and baby Catherine in your prayers. Charlie, you know longer have to
imagine what heaven is like. But until we join you, this is for your family and all of your friends.
You will never be forgotten.”
Mercy ME’s blockbuster hit, “I Can Only Imagine” followed by “I Will Remember You” by
Amy Grant filled the silence of the doctor’s car. Dr. Tyson never had much time to listen to the
radio, and when he did, it was usually NPR. But somehow he knew every word and sang in a strong,
clear voice.
Charlie would know why his doctor knew the words. “That’s easy.” He would say between
good-natured chuckles. “God put the words in your heart.”
***
“Michael, would you put Benjamin in your car? He’s been so clingy with Thomas Gabriel
lately. I just think he would cry the entire drive to the church otherwise.”
“Sure, Aunt Celina. How’s Carrie?”
“Your sister has not slept more than an hour a night. When she’s not nursing Cate, or
calming Lily down after a nightmare, she’s making sure Laci hasn’t gone to the garage to sleep in
Charlie’s car. She did that the first night after he died. Ben’s been sleeping in Thomas’ room, and
Thomas, he just listens to this tape Charlie made for him, and he barely sleeps because Benjamin
cries a lot, and he keeps listening to the tape.”
“Maybe you should take them to your house.”
“She won’t hear of it. She doesn’t want them to think she has abandoned them. She
promised me that she would sleep once everything is settled. We better go. Roger drove Carrie
over t the Church already.”
***
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Carrie stood in the front of the church, string at the crucifix. The casket was still at the
funeral home. Charlie had requested that only immediate family be at the funeral home for a brief
visitation. Carrie wholeheartedly agreed, and she accepted Celina’s generous offer of a gathering at
the café after the mass and gravesite prayers.
Charlie would not be surprised nor would anyone else be to see many pictures of Charlie
and his loved ones in collage frames in the back of the church and where the coffin would be.
Charlie. Carrie’s eyes drifted from the crucifix to the collage on her right side. Tears welled up in
her eyes when she thought about the story behind each picture.
The on in the center was a picture of Charlie and Carrie on their wedding day. It was right
after Father Mathias married them – pronouncing the two as husband and wife. The look of
unconditional love seemed to swell in Carrie’s heart even now.
The other pictures were of Charlie holding a newborn baby, Charlie’s goofy grin, holding
Thomas like he just won the Super Bowl, Charlie holding Laci looking a bit dazed, Charlie embracing
a sleeping Lily, and Charlie with a thumb in the air like Fonzie holding a very big Benjamin. Then
there was the picture with the then unnamed baby Cate. Catherine, named for her long deceased
paternal grandmother, was Charlie’s last precious blessing.
Charlie had always said that children were God’s gifts to those who were content with
wearing their hearts outside their bodies for eighteen years. But his heart was silenced. It no
longer beat for the children he so deeply loved and longed to see grow into the people he would be
proud to call his children and friends.
***
The reality of Carrie being a widow hit her full force. She exhaled sharply, and decided to
make her way to her seat. Marilyn Craig-Wallace had never been close to her step-daughter-in-law,
and now she was struck with the thought of not really knowing how to react.
Carrie had never been like Marilyn. Shopping for the sake of shopping thrilled Marilyn,
especially when her wallet was full and the stores were waiting with open arms. This never
appealed to Carrie. She always told Carrie to let go, relax, and have fun. But Carrie never went
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shopping with Marilyn unless it was for the kids, even then Target or Wal-Mart was the destination
sometimes. Carrie was more like Catherine, Charlie’s mother. Maybe that’s why Marilyn always felt
like an outsider looking in, and maybe now that had to change for both of them.
***
Annabeth stared at the collage in the church’s vestibule. It was Charlie’s childhood in a
dozen photographs. She smiled as she saw Carrie had put a picture of she and Charlie sitting on
Santa Claus’ lap. It was 1977, and Charlie was a precocious kindergarten student who asked to see
Santa’s itinerary for his Christmas Eve and when northern Nashville could expect him. All nine year
old Annabeth could do was to roll her eyes and tap her foot in impatience. Of course, that was when
the photographer chose to take the picture.
Charlie was the little brother Annabeth had prayed to be a little sister, but Charlie had
turned out to be the best little brother, best friend, Annabeth would ever have. Annabeth walked
into the sanctuary and found Carrie sitting alone, weeping alone in the front pew.
“Carrie, oh Carrie. I needed to see you before the mass begins. How are you?”
“I’m taking it minute by minute. But I still can’t believe I’m here.”
“Carrie, Charlie loved you more than anyone else in this world. Your love is forever. I’m
here, just reach out.”
***
“I just can’t believe I’m here in the back of a church with your casket, Charlie. This isn’t the
way it should be. You should be sending me to my final resting place. It’s just not natural.”
Thomas Wallace wiped his eyes with a handkerchief. The tears came so easily now, and he
knew they would never leave. His sixty-eight years had been filled with so much joy – the births of
his children, his wedding day (and night!), and becoming a grandfather. All this followed by the
sorrow, the unbearable sorrow, of losing Catherine and now Charlie.
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Charlie was his only son.
After two miscarriages after Annabeth’s second birthday,
Catherine had been so pleased to give Thomas a son. The pictures Carrie had chosen took his
breath away. So many precious memories floated into his head as the anguish remained rooted in
his heart.
Through his tears, he saw Marilyn. Marilyn walked toward him, heels clicking on the
polished wood. Before he could say a word, she embraced her husband and taking his hand, they
stepped into the future: a future without Charlie.
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– Chapter 29 –
“I’d like to thank you all for coming here today. As all of you know, Charlie died much too
young when there was still much yet to do. But a life shortened by disease or grave injury is still a
life that had been lived even if for only a little while,” Father Stephen began.
“Charlie will never again feel the joy of hearing a baby’s laugh, the taste of a freshly picked
strawberry, or of watching his children grow and change. But what Charlie will feel is God’s warm
and loving embrace. He will come to know what Heaven truly means.
Yes it is tragic and quite devastating that someone so young has left us. But we can take
comfort in knowing that Charlie loved the Lord, believing if he set his eyes upon heaven, heaven
would surely be his.
When Charlie and I talked about this day, the day his family and friends would gather for his
funeral, Charlie insisted that I share this with you. He wrote this as a seventeen-year-old young
man grieving his mother. But after much though, I asked Charlie’s co-worker and friend Peter
Darce to read it. He, more than anyone here, knows the transforming and amazing moment when
we feel God’s grace,” Father Stephen concluded.
Peter walked up the two steps to the ambo, near the altar. He looked at Liza, took a deep
breath and began to speak.
“I will always remember the way she looked at me when I came home from school. Her eyes
were filled with a mixture of happiness and curiosity. She wanted to know everything about my
day, even if it was boring.
I will always remember how she would pray for Annabeth and me every night. I would
watch her from the doorway of her bedroom. Even when cancer ravaged her body, she would be
there on her knees, leaning against the bed at times for support, praying for us. In those moments I
felt compassion and admiration.
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When she lay in that hospital bed just two days ago, she took my hand, holding it with all of
the waning strength she had. She looked at me with those blue eyes and with a slight tremble, she
drew my hand to her lips.
My mother could not speak, but with her eyes, she told me everything. Studying her face, I
knew then that life should not be measured in the number of days lived, but by what is done in
those days.
My mother lived those days with love, faith, and hope. How do I know this? She looked at
me, gazed at me with the eyes of God. Now she is with Him, and He is as happy as a Father is when
his child comes home from some time away. And that to me is peace.”
With tears forming in hi green eyes, Peter Darce walked from the ambo and into the open
arms of Liza.
***
Celina held baby Cate close to her as she left the sanctuary. Celina had always loved the
smell of tiny babies: baby shampoo and innocence. She squeezed her eyes shut, forcing back the
tears that were spilling out of her heart.
She glanced at her dear niece. Carrie had on a beautiful black dress that she found at a
church bazaar two years before. She had planned to wear it when she and Charlie would go to the
radio station’s 50th anniversary gala. But Charlie had been too sick to go. Now, here she was
wearing it to his funeral.
Next to Carrie was Thomas Gabriel - sweet, precious, Thomas Gabriel. How unfair it was
that his father was gone before he could help mold Thomas Gabriel into the man he would become.
He was so brave, so strong, or so it appeared.
Laci and Lily stood next to Thomas Wallace, their grandfather. Laci had fallen asleep every
night, clutching an old flannel shirt of her father’s. Carrie thought this was much more comforting
than the driver’s seat of Charlie’s Chevy Tahoe.
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Carrie knelt down and dried Lily’s tears with a small yellow lace handkerchief. Lily had
slept in Carrie’s bed for the last few nights. Nightmares plagued her, and she screamed for her
father when she awoke. Carrie rubbed her daughter’s back as Lily finally drifted back to sleep every
night. Celina prayed the nightmares would end soon.
Standing behind Thomas was his little brother, Ben. Little Ben was approaching his fourth
birthday in about four weeks. He would not go anywhere without his big brother. Like a life-sized
teddy bear, Thomas Gabriel was needed and loved by Ben. Ben occasionally peeked from behind
his brother to see who his mother was talking to, only to retreat further behind his brother. Celina
prayed that Ben would learn to remember his father.
Cate. This precious girl will never remember the feel of her daddy’s arms or the touch of his
lips on her forehead. She will only rely on pictures, video, and memories her family will share with
her. She’ll see the strong daddy, the goofy daddy, the loving daddy, but sadly she will never feel it
herself.
***
“Carrie, honey, everyone is ready to go to the gravesite. Would you like a few minutes alone
with him before we leave?” Uncle Roger’s voice was gentle.
Carrie nodded and went outside and walked slowly to the open hearse.
“Charlie, I was wrong to want to be with you when you died, to join you in Heaven. I have to
live. I have to live for the kids. They need me so much right now, and I need them. I’ll love you
forever, Charlie. Wait for me.”
Carrie stared at the casket one final time and turned to face Uncle Roger. Taking his arm,
she made her way to the waiting car. Charlie’s final ride was about to begin while Carrie’s life as his
wife was coming to end, both all too soon.
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– Chapter 30 –
The rain had finally stopped as Carrie headed out the door to make her way to Michael’s
van. It was early June, and there was a wedding reception that evening. It was her first since
Charlie’s death, and she was both dreading and anticipating her first day back to work.
“How are you, sis?” Michael asked, trying to be casual but failing miserably.
“Carrie looked at her brother with a mixture of sadness and aggravation. She was so
emotionally tired of everyone asking her how she was. She had been able to get by just nodding
and clearly saying, “I’m fine.
Thank you for your concern,” when she had to answer mere
acquaintances. But for friends like neighbors and at church, Carrie offered a little more, mentioning
that her children were her source of both solace and hope. Both of these groups of people seemed
satisfied with those answers, fearing to say any more except to assure her of their prayers.
With family and close friends like Liza and Matthew, even Peter, Carrie was able to expose
the rawness of her grief and how the nights alone in her bed left her feeling empty and lost. Yet
when Michael asked her on this now beautiful Saturday in June, Carrie did not feel like talking. She
wanted to cover her wounds with cooking, with setting tables with gorgeous plate settings she
would never use herself. She wanted to be able to look at the bride and groom feed each other cake
without wanting to shout out, “Don’t think you have a lifetime together because there will never be
enough time!”
Michael decided to let it go, knowing Carrie would answer him in her own time. Grief was
different for every person, and he both understood and respected that.
“So, how much do you know about the wedding party?” he asked changing the subject.
“Why? I didn’t know I was going to be quizzed.”
Michael was unsure if Carrie was teasing or irritated. Clearing his throat, he attempted to
answer her.
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“Maybe you forgot or I failed to mention that the bride is a twin and the groom is one of a
set of triplets. His sister and brother are in the wedding party as well as her twin. They met at a
picnic in college, and the groom dated the other twin for three months before realizing he had
deeper feelings for the bride. Crazy, huh?”
“Yes, I guess so.” Carrie sounded detached, like she was talking to him somewhere far from
where she actually was.
“I wonder if that’ll ever happen with Laci and Lily. But thankfully, Lily has more of a curl to
her hair. That might help.” Michael tried to laugh.
“Charlie’s hair stuck up all over the place. His Uncle “Bud” Harmon had a curl in his hair
before cancer took his hair, and later his life.”
“Sis, I can handle this myself; if you want, I can turn off the next exit and take you home.”
“No! Why does everyone think I want to be at home? Why does everyone think I want to be
at the house where Charlie died – where every corner, where every room reminds of him? It’s not!
I sometimes want to douse the whole house with gasoline and light a match. Then I could watch it
burn! Burn to the ground, and be left with ashes – it’s more than what’s left of Charlie!”
Bitter tears burned her pale, care worn cheeks. Michael pulled over to the side of the
highway and parked. He reached out to hug his distraught sister, but she pushed him away.
“Carrie, Carrie let me help you.”
“Help me? You actually want to help me? How? Are you going to tell me time heals all
wounds? Time doesn’t heal any wounds; it only allows them to infect the entire body, in this case
my soul. Maybe you want to give me the matches. You want to help me destroy that house?”
“Carrie, I think…”
“Do you want to know what I think?”
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She refused to let him respond.
“I think you and everyone else have been walking on eggshells because you don’t want me
to fall apart. You don’t know what to say or do because you are unsure how you can handle it if I do
fall apart. Do you know what it’s like to be me? Every day I wake up alone in my bed and I cry
silent tears because Charlie isn’t there next to me. That’s assuming, of course, that I have slept,
because most nights don’t.
Then I sit in the kitchen, staring at a bowl of oatmeal or a plate of scrambled egg, wondering
why I even bothered to make a breakfast I won’t eat. After not eating, I attempt to get on the
treadmill in the basement. But I’m just going through the motions, and I’m there just a few minutes
before I give up.
Then I take a shower, and I scrub my skin so much that it reddens. It’s as if I’m trying to
cleanse my soul of the sorrow that seems trapped there, and I cry. I cry, sob, and mourn my
beloved until there is no tear left to be shed. As I’m dressing, Ben walks into my room, clutching
that flannel shirt of Charlie’s like Linus with his blanket. I scoop him up and breathe in life, baby
powder, and his sweet innocence.
When we get downstairs, Lacy is watching Thomas Gabriel as he pours the milk over the
bowls of Cheerios he has filled for his sisters and brother. The baby cries, sensing everyone’s
alertness. I go to her, changing her diaper and giving her the breast. She fusses because there’s not
much there. In a fresh frustration, I mix her a bottle part breast milk I pumped the night before and
part formula. She gulps it down as if it was manna from heaven. Thomas Gabriel, the way he chews
his food, the way he holds his juice glass, reminds me so much of Charlie that it hurts to breathe.
When breakfast ends, I clean up after them. I empty the dishwasher and put everything
away as if order can put my grief in its proper place. The children are bathed or they shower. After
dressing, we go to the zoo, the children’s museum, anywhere except home. We leave to escape our
own reality of being alone.
At day’s end, we venture to Celina’s for dinner. The children sing songs and play games.
Sometimes we spend the night. Uncle Roger tucks the boys in, knowing that Ben will soon crawl
into Thomas’ bed.
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I nurse Cate as the click-clack of Celina’s knitting needles comfort me in their constancy and
normalcy. Laci and Lily have given me pictures they have drawn. Charlie always has wings. Angel
wings they tell me. I cry, nearly smearing the palette of colors they have used.
The day ends as it began – without Charlie. There, that’s how I feel.”
There were no tears in her eyes, only the profound realization of deep and passionate love
lost. It was Michael who had the tears.
104
– Chapter 31 –
“Let’s go, Thomas. Church is in fifteen minutes. Let’s go. Laci, that bow in your hair is
coming undone. Let me fix it. Lily Hope, you are not wearing flip-flops to mass. Yes, I know your
feet are pretty with that sparkled nail polish, but you are not wearing flip-flops. Ben-Bunny, that is
not what I told you to do. Laci Faith, help your brother wash his hands with soap.”
It was only nine o’ clock, but Carrie already felt exasperated.
“Thomas Gabriel Wallace, let’s go! You will be in trouble if I don’t see in the garage in five
minutes.”
Cate was asleep in her car seat. She had been up most of the night with an upset stomach.
Carrie knew she should have said no to the kids’ pleas for a taco treat at the fast food court at the
mall. She hadn’t even wanted to go to the mall, but Jamison had sent Benjamin a gift card to the toy
store for his birthday. Ben’s birthday was in three days, and Carrie still needed to purchase his
presents. After mass, she would shop thanks to Celina’s offer of babysitting.
“Thomas isn’t in his room, Momma,” Lily said, walking into the garage.
“He’s not in the play room either,” Laci said, holding Benjamin’s hand as the two of them
entered the garage.
“Lily, Laci, help your brother into his car seat and make sure the diaper bag is filled. I’ll be
back. Try to be quiet, Cate is asleep.”
“Yes, Momma!”
***
After five minutes of frantic looking, Carrie called Celina. “I have no idea where he is. I’m
terrified.”
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“Roger and I’ll be there in mere minutes. He couldn’t have gone far. Just try and stay calm,
honey.”
***
Celina had chosen to stay with the other kids while Roger and Carrie drove in separate
directions. Carrie had called all of Thomas Gabriel’s friends and his baseball coach and the karate
instructor; but sadly, no on had seen him.
After an hour of unsuccessful searching, Roger had the sudden but not so obvious idea of
exactly where his young great nephew could be found.
***
The gates of Eternal Rest Cemetery were open to pedestrian traffic since eight o’ clock that
morning. Thomas Gabriel cast furtive looks over his shoulder as he made his way up the winding
incline that led to his father’s grave.
When he arrived at the grave site he place the daisies from Mrs. Laurence’s garden on the
tope of the polished granite stone:
Charles William Wallace
19 August 1971 – 24 May 2006
Wonderful Father
“The Greatest of These is Love”
“I know it’s a week before Father’s Day, Daddy, but I had to come here. I didn’t tell Momma I
was coming here. Don’t be mad, Daddy. I just feel so lost without you.
I had a karate tournament yesterday. I earned a medal for persistence. Momma cried. She
cries a lot. She doesn’t think I hear her, but I do. She cries in the shower and late at night when she
watched home movies. I can’t sleep, so sometimes I go downstairs and get something to play with.
Benjamin sleeps in my room, in my bed. When he finally falls asleep, I go downstairs and get a book
or a game. Ben doesn’t want to be alone at night. He sleeps with your shirt – Mommy gave it to
him.
106
Laci and Lily miss you a lot. They draw a lot of pictures, and you always have angel wings.
So are you an angel, Daddy?
I’m trying so hard to be good. When Cate is crying, I sing her the song from Sesame Street
about the alphabet, and she just lies there and stops crying, or I give her the stuffed elephant Aunt
Annabeth gave her. When she goes to sleep, I play with Ben on the swing set. Laci and Lily don’t
like to play on it much since you were the one who pushed them on the swings.
Ben’s birthday is coming up. Duh! You know that. Anyway, Momma is making a Bob the
Builder cake. Michael is making Ben’s favorite: chicken tenders and smashed potatoes. Celina
picked some fresh corn at the Farmer’s Market for corn on the cob. I get to shuck it because I’m the
oldest.
It’s not easy being the oldest. Momma wants me to help with chores. She doesn’t think I
don’t need a bedtime story, but it’d be nice if she did. I’m not that old.
It’s really easy to talk to you here. I just miss sitting on your lap. Did you sit in Pop-pop’s
lap when you were little? Pop-Pop and Mom-Mom gave my school a lot of money she had in the
bank to give to 8th graders going to the high school you and Momma went to. Michael says it’s called
a scholarship. It’s for four kids, I think.
When Momma found out about it, she cried and took Mom-Mom to lunch at that fancy
restaurant Mom-Mom really likes. They spend a lot of time together in the garden. Mom-Mom says
it’s good for her soul.
I’m giving you my last belt that I earned in karate, and a picture of me after our baseball
team got to play in the All-City tournament. We play for the championship in two weeks. I wish you
could be there. I miss you so much. I wish that God could let you come here to visit. Tell God that,
okay? I love you.”
Thomas got up and started to walk back down the winding hill. But standing right at the
beginning of the decent was his great Uncle Roger.
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“Uncle Roger, hi, uh what are you doing here?” Thomas Gabriel stammered in surprise at
seeing his uncle.
“I’m here because your mother is worried about you. How in the world did you get here?”
“I called Mr. Young, and he drove me. I told him I had Momma’s permission.”
“But how did you leave without her noticing you were gone, Thomas?”
“She was in the shower, and everyone else was eating breakfast. I pinky swore en not to
tell. I didn’t tell Laci and Lily because they would tattle.”
“I think you owe Mr. Young an apology for telling him you were allowed to come here by
yourself.”
“I told him I was meeting Uncle Michael here. I know I shouldn’t lie, but Momma never
wants to come here. She cries all the time when she thinks we’re asleep or if she’s in the shower.”
“Your Momma has been through a lot in her life, Thomas Gabriel. Your Momma lost her
parents when she was very young, and when your Daddy died, her heart broke again.”
“My heart broke, too, Uncle Roger.” Thomas Gabriel sputtered as he fought the tears that
were forming in his eyes.”
“She knows that, son. Se knows how awful it is to lose a daddy. She was Laci and Lily’s age
when her daddy died in a car accident.”
“I didn’t know he died like that.”
“Yes, she doesn’t like talking about it. She so much didn’t want this to happen to you and
your brother and sisters. But she loves you all so much, and if you wanted to come here, she would
bring you. If it was too hard for her, Aunt Celina or I would take you.”
108
“I wish my family was like it was before Daddy got sick. If Daddy hadn’t died, he was going
to take me to Boston to see a Red Sox game. We were all going, but He was taking me to the game
for my tenth birthday. When I was six months old, Daddy dressed me in a Red Sox t-shirt and took
my picture in front of a poster he had of Fenway Park. He convinced Momma to use it for the Easter
cards.”
“I remember. It said ‘Spring is here! Play ball! God bless us all this Easter! Go Red Sox!’”
“Now, I don’t even want to thin about my birthday. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Roger put his hand on Thomas Gabriel’s shoulder. His eyes steady on his nephew, Roger
cleared his throat and spoke firmly.
“Don’t even let your Momma hear you say that! I don’t ever want to hear it again either.
The day you were born was on of the happiest days in your parents’ lives.”
“I just hate all of this. I miss Daddy so much. It’s like I have a hole where my heart is.”
Roger held Thomas Gabriel close and let him cry. The sobs came from deep within him as
Roger rubbed the boy’s back. This was a step toward healing for Thomas, and Roger knew it was
the first of many for him – for all of them.
109
– Chapter 32 –
“Ben-Bunny, happy birthday! Happy, happy birthday!” Carrie sang, smothering him with
kisses.
“Momma!” An exasperated Benjamin said, sitting down next to Thomas at the kitchen table.
“Here are your blueberry crepes and turkey bacon. Eat up, there’s plenty,” Carrie said
taking a seat between Laci and Lily.
Cate was in her swing, having already eaten earlier that morning. She giggled every once in
a while even when no one said anything funny, and it warmed Carrie to her bones. After the tearful
Sunday morning, and once Thomas Gabriel had been found safe and sound, Carrie managed to
finally shop for her youngest son’s birthday gifts on Monday. Now, on his birthday, Carrie was
eager to see how he liked the gifts.
“When you finish, sweetie, Momma would like you to open some presents.”
“Has Daddy come back from Heaven to visit me?” Ben’s question took Carrie by surprise,
but she knew her answer must be honest and gentle.
“Ben-Bunny. Daddy can’t leave Heaven. God needs him right now.”
“But we’re his family. We need him more. If he can’t be here, if God won’t let him come see
me, then I don’t want to have my birthday!”
Benjamin, anguish and anger blending together on his face, left the room. Laci and Lily
began to cry, and Cate stopped laughing; Thomas Gabriel got out of his chair and followed Benjamin
in to the playroom.
Carrie could only sit at the table with a look of dismay on her face. Her precious little boy,
just four years old, wanted his father to come home from Heaven, and if not, then he wanted to
forget all about his birthday. Her sorrow at this, at missing Charlie, washed over her and left her
feeling as if she was drowning.
110
“Momma, Momma, the phone’s ringing,” Laci said, shaking Carrie’s arm.
Acting as if Laci’s arm was her life preserver, Carrie stood up and answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Carrie. This is Lucinda Anderson from the University of Tennessee. I’m calling to see
if you and Charlie would be interested in attending the Alumni Silent Auction and Dinner in
September. Charlie’s always been such a generous donor to the school. I though…”
“Charlie’s dead,” Carrie said barely above a whisper. “You probably called because you were
wondering where his check was. Well, he’s dead. So, if you think I’m lying, then call his doctor, or
better yet, call the priest who gave him last rites.”
“Carrie I had no idea about Charlie. This is terrible news. I’m so deeply sorry. On behalf of
the entire Volunteer family, we share your grief,” Lucinda said sadly.
“You can not possible begin to share in anything that even remotely feels like grief!” Carrie
had left the kitchen moments before and now spoke through angry, clenched teeth.
“Carrie, uh, Mrs. Wallace, I assure you all of us in the Alumni Affairs Office are terribly sorry
for your loss. Is there anything you would like us to do? If you have some money set aside, perhaps
we could begin a scholarship program in his memory or fund a stipend for a promising business
student…”
“My husband graduated with a double major in Journalism and Marketing. Do you even
read your notes, do you even have notes about what is going on with your precious check writers?”
The harshness and tightness of her voice felt like a snake about to strike: unexpected and
terrifying. Yet for all of her feelings of fear, Carrie continued to vent her pain and frustration,
misguided though it was, to this innocent employee. Carrie would let this young woman truly feel
her grief.
111
“My son is four years old today. If you knew about your alumni, you may have known that.
But unless he can come down from Heaven, my son doesn’t want a birthday celebration. Can you,
Ms. Lucinda Anderson of Alumni Affairs at the University of Tennessee, help me with that?”
“I’m very sorry for you loss, Mrs. Wallace. We will not call you again. I will inform my
supervisor to not bother you in any way. Please accept my apologies. I hope your son will change
his mind about his birthday.”
Carrie had not expected such a genuine apology. This was a welcome change from what
Carrie was used to from people asking for donations of any kind. Before the warmth of Lucinda
Anderson’s kindness could seep into her and head to her heart, Carrie felt deep shame and remorse
for what she said and how she said it.
“Ms. Anderson, I’m quite sorry about my behavior this afternoon, or is it morning? Anyway,
I am truly sorry that I was so angry. Charlie died just about a month ago, and I miss him terribly.
My heart breaks for my children who would do anything, just about anything, to get their Daddy to
come back. Charlie loved his time at U.T. I can’t give much. How does $50 in a check sent to the
school sound?”
“That’s quite generous, Mrs. Wallace, thank you. Thank you for your apology, too. I was
eleven when my great aunt died of kidney failure, and I felt so alone. You’ll be in my prayers.”
Carrie hung up the phone and went back into the kitchen. Laci and Lily were warming
Benjamin’s breakfast in the microwave.
“Thomas Gabriel said Ben felt hungry, so we’re reheating this. I don’t know what Thomas
said, but he’s ready to eat breakfast… again,” Lily said with a smile for her mother.
***
“C’mon, Benjamin, you need to eat breakfast. Momma made everything just for you,”
Thomas tried to pull Ben up but he resisted.
112
“I miss Daddy! What I really, really want is Daddy to come back. I don’t want anything else
but that. Maybe if you prayed for it with me, God’ll hear it and let Daddy come back. It doesn’t have
to be for a long time – just my birthday party.” Ben’s eyes were wide with sadness, desperation and
hope.
“Ben, I want Daddy to come back, too,” Thomas began.
“Good. Now let’s go pray!”
“Ben, Daddy can’t come back even for your birthday party. He’s dead, and we can’t change
that no matter what we do.”
“What if we pray?”
“Benjamin, I wish Daddy was here, too, but he can’t come back.”
Tears filled Ben’s eyes, and he cuddled his stuffed bunny Celina had given him for his first
birthday. One of its ears was barely holding on and some stuffing was coming out in the back. Ben
cried into the bunny, and Thomas just stood there feeling helpless.
“Ben-Bunny, your breakfast is ready. Oh sweetheart, come here.” Carrie pulled Benjamin
onto her lap. Ben sobbed onto his mother’s shoulder, his bunny still clutched in one hand.
“I m-m-miss him, M-Momma. I’m so, so m-mad at God,” Ben hiccupped.
“Benjamin Patrick, look at me!”
Ben reluctantly looked at his mother. Tears still rolled down his cheeks, but he at least
stopped sobbing.
“I know how much you love Daddy. He loved you so much, but he wouldn’t want you mad at
God. God loves you, and he loves Daddy. Daddy was sick, suffering so much that god wanted Daddy
to be with Him so there would be no pain. All Daddy knows now is peace. Don’t be mad at God,
Benjamin. God doesn’t want us angry. He loves us.”
113
“I know, I know, but I still wish Daddy was here.”
“We all wish that, Ben-Bunny. We all do,” Carrie said fighting back tears.
114
– Chapter 33 –
“Over here, hurry, Momma,” Laci called to her mother.
Carrie made her way to where Laci and her siblings were. Inhaling deep and exhaling
slowly, Carrie reached her destination: Charlie’s grave.
“Look, Momma. Someone left daisies,” Lily said softly.
Thomas Gabriel looked at the trees that were at the back of the cemetery. Carrie knew he
was the one who had left the flowers the week before, but she didn’t say anything.
“Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!” Laci and Lily said together. “We made you a picture.”
Lily tenderly placed it on top of the headstone while Laci put a single yellow rose next to it.
“We miss you, Daddy. We hope you like the picture. We made it last night. Thomas is in his
baseball uniform, and Ben is playing with his cars. Laci is making cookies with me and Momma.
Baby Cate is in her swing. See her hair – it sticks up a lot like yours did. Momma told us.” Lily said
all of this in one breath.
Then silence fell over the fatherless children, and Thomas broke the silence by offering to
take the little ones back to the car. Carrie, with Cate in a Snuggli, nodded her head in a silent thank
you and remained at the gravesite.
When the children were gone, Carrie took a deep breath, another of what seemed to be
many that day. She eased herself onto a bench that was in front of the grave. Cate stirred but did
not awaken. Carrie knew she could not stay very long. Being here made Carrie anxious and even
more lonely than she already was.
“Carrie Wallace, what are you doing here? You’re 34 years old, and you’re a widow with five
children. Did you think this was going to be your life when Charlie proposed? Of course not, if you
knew what would happen, would you still do it?
115
How could I even think that? I loved Charlie when I was fourteen. Even when it was
impossible to think of anything but Charlie, I still feared losing him. But day after day, year after
year, he still loved me. He was still there.
Charlie, everyone misses you. But only I feel like the world has stopped spinning. Life is so
hard without you. Even getting out of bed is hard. I didn’t wash the sheets for a week after you
died because I thought I could still smell you. I’ve sprayed your cologne on my pillow and I breathe
in your scent. I think back to a time when we would make love all day and eat Chinese food in bed.
But now I just lay in bed and wonder when sleep will come. Cate sleeps so peacefully in her
crib. She only gets up once at night to nurse, sometimes twice. So when I’m there in the near
darkness and sleep eludes me, I reach for you and weep because I know you’re not there. I dissolve
myself into old journals and pictures, wishing I could be part of that world, our world again. It takes
all my strength not to want to shake my fists and lash out at our creator. I’m so mad at Him for
taking you away.
I know what you’re thinking. Yes, He is the one that brought us together. But He is the one
who wrenched us apart as well. No, no. The cancer did that.
I’m trying hard to move forward, but there is always something pulling me back into that
vortex of grief and anger. Oh, Charlie, I miss you.
I need to go. The kids are in the car waiting with your dad and Marilyn. Your dad won’t
come here. He hates it here. Two of the people he has loved the most are here, buried in the
ground. He can’t bear to see it.
I don’t want to come back here, Charlie. I know that it’s just your body here. You’re
somewhere I can’t be right now, and I have to accept that.
I love you. The circle is still in my heart. Is it in yours?”
Without another word or a second glance, Carrie left the gravesite, her heart reluctantly
stayed with her.
116
– Chapter 34 –
Charlie’s replacement for news director at WRDM FM, Peter Darce looked at the transcripts
of the interview he had conducted with a rising Christian country music star. It had been a ratings
blockbuster for the station, and Peter had decided to submit the full interview for publication in the
Nashville Sun, a magazine published monthly.
As he scanned the pages again, the phone rang. Shuffling papers and files out of the way,
Peter finally found and answered the phone.
“News director, Peter Darce. May I help you?”
“No, I’ve called to help you. How about lunch?”
Liza’s warm voice seeped into Peter’s skin like the smoothest lotion. He sighed softly.
“You read my mind, I would love lunch.”
“Well then open your door, silly.”
Peter opened the door and saw Liza standing in front of him holding a picnic basket.
“You are a sight for sore eyes.”
“Well, thank you. May I come in?”
“With that smile and that picnic basket, how could I possible say no?”
***
“Michael, turn into this aisle. I need some dried spices,” Carrie said as she pushed her cart in
the warehouse grocery she frequently shopped at for their catering business.”
117
“So, what do you think of this Fourth of July double wedding?” Michael asked, picking up a
jar of cumin.
“It should be a blast.”
“Carrie, you made a joke! I’m impressed. So, what do you really think?”
“I’m hoping that it doesn’t rain. I’m also hoping that this firecracker wedding cake Murray
Simpson is creating won’t explode all over the bride.”
“I can’t believe Matthew is putting sparklers in the center pieces. At least they won’t be lit.”
“Hmm, two jars of dried sage should be enough for the sage butter glaze for the carrots. I
need poultry seasoning for the roasted turkey breasts. What about the au gratin potatoes? So you
think 10 pounds of potatoes are enough? Oh, I forgot the honey for the honey bourbon sweet
potatoes. Thank God, Celina gave me that recipe.”
“I got a call from Eileen last night,” Michael said, handing Carrie two jars of honey.
“What was that? I thought you said Eileen called, but I didn’t think she could hear anything
but her biological clock ticking.”
“Ooh, two jokes in less than ten minutes. Maybe comedy is your true calling, Sis.”
“Shut up and tell me everything.”
“If I shut up, how can I possibly tell you everything?”
“Michael Patrick Montgomery, you are a true pain in the…”
“Gee, Care, all you had to do is ask.” He laughed as he emphasized the last word.
“Michael…”
118
“Okay, okay. I can’t talk about it here. Let’s check out, and I’ll make us some lunch. Celina’s
babysitting, right?”
“Yes. She’s actually being brave. She and Uncle Roger took them to the waterpark. It’s the
first day of the summer, you know.”
***
“Um, that was the best pasta salad I have ever tasted. No wonder you graduated top of you
class,” Peter crooned.
“And you, sir, deserve a kiss.”
“Did I tell you how much I liked the lemonade, the cookies…?”
Moments and several kisses later, Liza looked at Peter with kindness in her eyes.
“I can’t believe that just four months ago Charlie introduced us. I feel like I’ve known you a
lot longer.”
“I know,” Peter agreed. “My waistline feels just like that.”
“Very funny!” She chuckled, playfully punching Peter’s arm.
“I had a nice time having lunch with your mother. I’m glad the two of you reconciled after
Josh was born.” Peter’s tone was serious now.
“Yes, lunch on Sunday with Mom was nice. It was hard to reconcile because at first, she
thought I should have put Josh up for adoption. But then, once she saw the two of us together at the
hospital, she changed her mind. She saw that I had grown up and truly loved my baby.”
“And your father?”
119
“He and my mom divorced five years ago. He had always been quite the gambler. Well, he
lost the car to a bookie with an anger management problem. So, when he asked my mother to hock
her wedding ring so he could bet on a ‘sure thing’, my mother walked out. He’s been in jail for tax
fraud and money laundering since 2003. I can’t say that I miss him very much.”
“And Josh’s dad?”
“Well, we are being very serious, aren’t we? I told you, he was a friend from high school.”
But there was a tremble in her voice that told Peter otherwise. As a journalist, he could
always sense when there was more to the story – rippling under the surface.
“Liza, you can tell me anything. You should know that by now.”
“Do you say that to all your quests?” Liza’s voice sounded defensive and angry.
“You’re not being interviewed, Liza! I resent you thinking that.”
“I’m not just thinking it! I’m feeling it!”
“Liza! Fine! If you don’t want to talk about this with me, then I can go back to work.”
“Now who sounds defensive?” Liza’s once warm eyes blazed hot with anger.
“Goodbye, Liza. I’ll call you later.”
“No need. I’ll be busy. Carrie asked for my help preparing recipes for a wedding next
weekend.”
“Liza, if you can’t talk to me about something like this – because I know there is more to
Josh’s father than just being a friend from high school – then I don’t know where we stand.”
“What are you saying, Peter?” Liza asked sharply.
120
Peter? She had not called him Peter since their first meeting, and now she said it again with
ice in her voice, freezing his skin, penetrating his heart.
“What I’m saying is you don’t trust me.”
“It’s not a matter of trust, Peter. I just have a right to guard my heart.”
Again with Peter. He could barely breathe, his heart was slowly sealing itself from feeling
anything else.
“I have the right to guard my heart, Peter,” Liza repeated as if she were trying to convince
herself as well as Peter.
“And your right to guard to your heart is breaking mine!”
Feeling as if he slapped her across the face, Liza picked up her purse and picnic basket and
walked out the door. She left the blanket behind, leaving Peter feeling the coldest he had ever been.
***
“So, she told me that she was in Berlin on business when Charlie died. She sent an
arrangement to the funeral but asked that it be marked as from a friend of the family. When she got
home, she said that she wanted to call me, but she couldn’t figure out what to say,” Michael said,
pouring Carrie a glass of iced tea.
“Strange as that may seem for Eileen, she really did have trouble talking about it. She’s only
lost a grandparent and that was years ago,” Michael continued.
“That’s a blessing,” Carrie said sincerely.
“Well. Carrie, it is, but Eileen was absolutely tongue tied when we first started talking. I
told her we didn’t have to talk about Charlie. She seemed to relax then. She told me that Charlie’s
death made her stop and think. She told me that letting me go just because I wasn’t sure about kids
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was a mistake. She wants us to be us again. Only we’re going to take it slower this time. She’s
taking the batteries out of her biological clock… at least for a while.”
Carrie squeezed her brother’s hand and smiled through her tears.
“I’m so happy for you, Michael. You deserve this!”
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– Chapter 35 –
Peter took the frozen dinner out of his freezer and threw it ruefully on the counter. It was
two days after he and Liza had their romantic picnic turned devastating argument. With disgust, he
picked up the Hungry Man meal. He was hungry – hungry for Liza’s smile, the touch of her lips, and
for Liza herself. If this is what love felt like, he wished he had never touched her.
Throwing the unopened box in the trashcan, Peter headed out the door of his modest 2bedroom apartment. Marge and Anita Williams, his neighbors who lived in the apartment across
the hall, had just arrived home.
The fifty something sisters had never married, and they always felt it their duty to mother
or seduce Peter. Marge mothered while Anita, the younger of the two, tried quite unsuccessfully to
woo Peter with short leopard skirts and sheer blouses. Just the thought of it made Peter’s stomach
turn.
Just when he thought they hadn’t noticed his departure, Anita called to him in that smoky
hoarse voice that turned his stomach again.
“Peter, darlin’, where are you headin’ this fine summer night? Marge and I were just about
to grill some big beefy steaks. I know how a big strong man needs to eat his meat and potatoes.”
It was all Peter could do not to run from his apartment building and Nashville itself.
Thankfully, Marge cleared her throat and spoke evenly to her sister and clearly so Peter could also
hear her.
“I am sure Peter has other plans, Nita. You should go, Peter. My sister, dear sister, is rather
relentless in her pursuit of fattening you up. But I think she is not qualified for the job. Have a nice
evening, Peter. Come along, Nita, the Law and Order marathon on TNT starts in about 20 minutes.”
She smiled gently at Peter as she ushered her sister inside their apartment. Peter nodded
and left the building without a second glance.
***
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“Liza, that has to be the best shrimp gumbo I have ever tasted. I don’t think you should stay
here with me. You should be a chef at a 5-star restaurant,” Celina said, leaning back in her chair.
“You are a 5-star person, Celina. I could never leave you. Without your support, I would
never have had the courage to have Josh or go to culinary school.”
It was well after midnight, and Celina was tired, tired to her bones her grandmother would
have said. Fridays in Nashville were electric with the music and the atmosphere of its magical
possibilities.
Liza felt as if she could curl up and sleep for hours, staying under the covers until she felt
she could breathe without Peter Darce filling her lungs, her soul. She had pushed him away, just
like she had pushed Liam away. Liam had wanted to help, to be the kind of friend she had so
desperately needed. Peter had gotten closer than anyone ever had, and it felt exhilarating and
frightening.
“Liza, you are like one of my own. I know your heart is broken, honey. I’ve been around this
world, this life, for a long time. I’ve loved and lost love, too. Now, you need to let Peter in, and let
him stay there. He’s a good man, sweetie. He will listen to you, and he’ll support you because he’s
quite fond of you. He’s become a better man because of you. Charlie knew that if you two came
together and didn’t get in each other’s own way, you both would find and keep the kind of love you
both deserve. Yes, I said deserve. Liza, love is wonderful and exciting when it’s new. Bet when it’s
been tested by life’s fierce reality and it’s still there, scratching and crawling to hang on, then it’s a
treasure the likes of Heaven itself.”
Liza sighed; she wanted, no desperately needed, to believe that Celina was right. But right
now, she hurt. She could feel the cracks of her heart deepen. A man like Peter probably fell into his
work or into the arms of another woman. She saw the way women looked at him, but she was the
only one who knew him.
A sound of several nickels being dropped into the jukebox snapped Liza out of her clouded
thoughts. John Michael Montgomery – she loved his music – the way he put every passionate
feeling into his music. But who would be playing the jukebox now? The kitchen left about a half
hour ago. Maybe Celina put it on before heading to her office to do some last minute paperwork.
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Liza made her way from the back corner booth to the front of the restaurant. She gasped
when she saw Peter. In his hand was a plastic baggie filled with nickels.
“I’m not leaving here until I run out of nickels or you talk, really talk, to me.”
“Peter!” she gasped again. “What are you doing here? How did you get in?”
“I drove all around the city, ate some god-awful chicken thirty miles from here. Then my
stomach rebelled when I was at Murphy’s, and I needed to get here for some decent food.”
“But we’re closed, Pete, uh Peter.”
“I know. I’m really not that hungry anyway.”
“But you just said…”
“Do you remember that night when we drove to Memphis because I had never seen
Graceland? So, you left Josh with your Mom, and we drove to Memphis. You told me that it was a
religious experience going to Graceland.”
Liza just stood there, afraid if she moved, she would run into Peter’s arms and never leave.
Or she would walk out the door and vow never to love again.
“She listened to John Michael Montgomery the entire trip. You sang along, and I laughed
because you were a little off key. But then before we reached the hotel, I was singing right along
with you.”
“Peter. I, um, don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I’ve still got a bunch of nickels. Liza, you took me to Memphis shortly after Charlie died.
You showed me so much love, so much compassion that night. You have always been so good
until… what happened, Liza?”
“I can’t talk about it, Pete. It hurts so much. I’m not sure you’d understand.”
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“Liza, you can tell me anything. Anything. The past two and a half days without a word, a
look, a touch – it’s driving me crazy. Finding true love, real love, eluded me for so long. Yes, I had a
couple of relationships, but they were empty of real emotion. They were just sexual encounter after
sexual encounter. One woman was in the process of divorcing her husband. To her, I was a
meaningless fling – a way to inflict a final wound to a marriage that had never satisfied either of
them. The other was when I was a stupid college kid trying to prove myself to a bunch of stupid
college guys. I didn’t even call her the next day. Yeah, I was that guy.”
Liza had slumped onto a stool at the counter. This sudden surge of intimacy shook her to
her very core. His confession left her stunned and amazed that the two of them were there
together, that he loved her enough to be so vulnerable, so honest. The question remained: could
she trust him with her heart, with the secret only her mother and Celina knew. A secret that broke
her heart every time she thought about it.
“Pete, I’m sorry that you haven’t had a meaningful relationship with a woman.”
“I have one, or had one, with you. You can’t shut me out, Liza. I’m not the enemy, even if
you think so.”
“I could never begin to think of you as the enemy, Pete. It just is part of my past that really
hurts. It’s a part of my life that I am angry and ashamed about.”
“Liza, let me help you the way you have helped me. Please, Liza.” There was an almost
panic in Peter’s voice. He reached for Liza’s hand, and taking a deep breath, she took it.
“When I was eighteen and a freshman at Vanderbilt, I met a boy named Liam. We became
close friends. He was funny and smart. He helped me get through my biology class. He wanted us
to be more than friends, but I had been burned by my high school boyfriend when he dumped me
after graduation. So, I kept telling Liam that I just needed his friendship, and if he was patient, we
could maybe be more.”
She took another deep breath and tears filled her eyes. Peter just held her hand tighter and
brushed her tears away with his other hand.
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“Then I made a stupid mistake. I met this guy at the library in December. I was studying for
finals, and we reached for the same book on Russian czars. It sounds like something out of 1940’s
movie, doesn’t it?
Then we started laughing. We introduced ourselves and discovered we were in the same
history class. I was always in the front because I hated wearing my glasses. He was in the back
because he was a goof off.”
Liza paused; tears welled up in her eyes even more. Sobs choked her, and she trembled,
unsure if she could say anything else.
“Liza, if you want to stop, it’s okay. Really. I see how much pain this is causing you.”
“That’s why I have to finish telling you. His name was Travis Milton. He was a senior, and
he played on the intermural rugby team for his fraternity. He had this reputation for being a ladies
man, a charming cad if you will.
Well, we went on a couple of dates. It was innocent, a movie, and a dance at his fraternity
house. He never tried anything. We kissed goodnight, but that was all.
Liam was hurt. He tried to warn me, but I told him that maybe Travis had reformed his bad
boy image for me. Liam scoffed at that. Well, we had a huge fight, and I stopped speaking to him.”
“Liza, did you and Travis sleep together? Is he Josh’s father?”
“I need to tell you all of this my own way, Pete, or I may never be able to tell you.” Liza’s
voice was firm.
“Travis took me to this wonderful restaurant about thirty miles west of here. I was
awestruck with its chandeliers and candlelit tables. Travis told me his parents were engaged at that
very restaurant twenty-five years before.
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So you can imagine my total shock when there was a two-carat diamond ring in my glass of
champagne. I didn’t think that we were there yet. My gosh, we hadn’t even told each other ‘I love
you’ yet. But he put the ring on my finger and told me it was forever. I was so naïve, so stupid!”
Tears poured down her cheeks, and Peter gave her all the time she needed to gather her
strength to continue speaking.
“He took me to this lovely inn about five miles from the restaurant. When we arrived in the
room, there was a bottle of champagne and rose petals all over the bed.
He took me into his arms, and when he kissed me, I thought I would melt in his kiss. Then
he unzipped my dress.”
“So you two made love, and you got pregnant?”
“No, Pete. He didn’t make love to me. I didn’t make love that night.”
A sudden glimmer of understanding hit Peter in his heart. He now knew why Liza had been
so guarded, so reticent to get too close.
“He raped me, Pete. Travis raped me.”
The avalanche of emotions crashed down upon Liza, and the only one who could rescue her
took her into his arms and did not let go.
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– Chapter 36 –
“I told him to slow down. I wanted to just kiss, but he said we were engaged, and that we
needed to celebrate. I remember how he pushed me down on the bed, how he tore away my dress,
how he… it hurts so much.”
“Was it your first time?”
“Yes, it’s been my only time. I haven’t let anyone get close enough.”
“Oh, Liza.”
“When I missed my period, I panicked. I went to the fraternity house to tell Travis. He
wasn’t there. So, I finally found him in the courtyard behind the library. It was April, and the
flowers in the courtyard were beautiful. So I told him that I was going to the campus wellness
center and get a pregnancy test.”
“What did he say? Did he go with you?”
“No. He told me that I should go to Planned Parenthood, and if I was pregnant I should get
an abortion. It was like a knife slicing through me. Abortion was and is a sin. I told him I couldn’t
kill our baby, and I asked him why I would need to get one when we were engaged.
That’s when he said that there would be people doing the math and they would know the
baby was conceived before marriage. Then he said that there was no room in his life for a kid and
its hysterical mother.”
“Oh, Liza. What a jerk!”
“He told me that if I didn’t get an abortion the engagement was off. So I handed him the ring
and left him standing there in the courtyard. He yelled at me, telling me I was screwing up my one
chance at the ‘good life’.
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Liam was walking towards the library when he saw me. He knew about my engagement,
but we maintained our silence. So you can imagine his surprise when I grabbed his hand and
started crying.
He took me to the health center. Sure enough, I was about six weeks pregnant. The
counselor and the nurse both told me my options. I stayed up all nigh, and with Liam’s help, I
decided to keep the baby. Liam, God only knows why since I treated him so badly, offered to marry
me and have his name on the birth certificate.
Well, when I went home for spring break and told my parents, my father went berserk. He
kicked me out, telling me I was no daughter of his. He called me a tramp – and I believed him. My
father destroyed what little confidence I had that Liam had help to restore. So, I finished the term
and stayed with Celina during the summer.
Liam wanted to get married that summer. We could get an off-campus apartment and
special financial aid for married couples. I realized, though, that I couldn’t ask Liam to give up his
own chances for happiness and real love by trying to help me clean up my mess.”
“So you broke it off?”
“Yes. I told him that he was a dear friend, perhaps the dearest I had ever had, and because
he was my dearest friend, I couldn’t bear the thought of him fathering a child who would never be
his or loving a wife who would always feel more like an obligation than a lover.
We cried a lot, and he tried to reassure me that he would never see me as an obligation.
Finally, however, he agreed with me, and we parted.”
“What happened to him?”
“We kept in touch for a while. He even met Josh. About three years ago, he sent me a letter
from New Zealand. He had met a beautiful girl named Gretchen, and after 6 dates they eloped and
were in New Zealand doing missionary work for their church. He now lives in Athens, Georgia and
has a baby girl named Elizabeth.”
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Fresh tears shone on Liza’s face. Peter went to the jukebox and put in one final nickel.
‘I Swear’ filled the silence of the room as Peter took Liza into his arms and held her close.
Liza cried on his shoulder, releasing years of pain, shame, and sorrow. As they swayed to the music,
Liza’s tears slowly faded. Shoe looked into Peter’s eyes. His eyes sparkled like nothing she had ever
seen.
“Liza, you have been so wounded, so hurt. I cannot promise that you will never feel sorrow
again. Charlie’s death taught me that sorrow is part of life. Charlie’s life taught me that love can
overcome sorrow; that the measure of a man isn’t the size of his bank account; it’s the size of his
heart.
I’ll never make you feel less than the most treasured woman in the world. God sent me you,
and I am not about to give up on my gift, my love for you, or for Josh. I love you, Liza. Always.”
He kissed her tenderly as the song echoed its final chorus, but unlike the song, Peter and
Liza were just beginning their song – an endless, unconditional duet.
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– Chapter 37 –
The warm August morning sun streamed through Carrie’s bedroom window, doing its best
to lull Carrie back to sleep. It was Thomas Gabriel’s birthday, and Carrie was acutely aware of what
she and Charlie had planned for that day. Fighting back tears, Carrie stretched and left the bed.
Cate was fast asleep in her crib. She looked so much like Charlie it often took Carrie’s breath
away. She undressed, grabbed her bathrobe, and went into the bathroom for a hot shower.
Her mind rewound to the day Thomas Gabriel was born. It had been terribly hat all
summer, and that day was no exception. Charlie had blasted the air conditioner in their small twobedroom apartment. When she felt a small twinge in her side that early morning before sawn, she
thought that it was just the baby wanting to get her attention. A few minutes later there was
another twinge, more painful than the first.
“But you’re not due until the 23rd, babe. Are you sure it’s not just the baby kicking? I didn’t
nickname him ‘punter’ for nothing you know.”
“Charlie, these twinges have happened every nine minutes. I think SHE wants to meet us!”
Charlie could tell by his wife’s voice that she meant business. He went to the phone and
called her doctor.
“Well?” she said feebly, attempting to put on her socks.
“His answering service said he is in the middle of delivering twins, but she is pretty sure he
will call us back soon.”
“Who’s ‘she’?”
“The lady from the answering service.”
“Why can’t we just go to the hospital?” Carrie was really feeling the pain now.
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“You know Dr. Warner wants to know what’s happening so we don’t go to the hospital for a
false alarm.”
“This is NOT a false alarm, Charles William Wallace. This baby is coming NOW!”
Charlie somehow calmed Carrie down long enough so they could wait for Dr. Warner’s call.
Every moment that went by, Carrie’s tolerance for pain lessened. Finally when the phone rang,
Charlie was pushed out of the way.
“Yes, hello, Dr. Warner. No this is NOT a false labor, I’m in pain! P-A-I-N! Well, I’m going to
the hospital now.”
She hung up the phone, picked up her overnight bag and headed for the door. Charlie,
grabbing a muffin off the kitchen counter, quickly followed behind her.
***
The labor had been grueling. Sweat poured from Carrie with every contraction. When she
was three centimeters dilated, the nurse came into the room with a look of shock and fear.
“What is it? Is it the baby?” Carrie was seized with panic.
“No, no. Dr. Warner was involved in a minor hit and run accident on his way back to the
hospital. He had stopped to grab some breakfast before he came to check on you and some other
patients.”
“Is he all right?” Carrie and Charlie both asked nervously.
“Yes, but I’m afraid his car isn’t. He is stranded on the highway. His wife was supposed to
pick him up…”
“What do you mean ‘was’?” Charlie asked anxiously.
“Well, they’re in the middle of a divorce, and she hasn’t answered his phone calls.”
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“You’ve got to be kidding me! Ow!”
Carrie was in the middle of a contraction and quite possibly a nervous breakdown.
“But what about Carrie?”
“We have a terrific resident on call. She has six months of experience. Dr. Moran is really
sweet. She’ll be in to check on you soon.”
“Sweet? She’s sweet? What about competent? What about someone who is not a resident?”
Carrie had reached the breaking point.
***
“That’s it, you’re doing great, Carrie, just one more big push. Okay, relax. Just another push.
Oh dear, the cord is wrapped around his neck. I’ve got it, easy now. There we go. You have a
beautiful and peeing son,” Dr. Moran said.
Sure enough, Thomas, amid his first cries, was peeing as Dr. Moran showed Carrie and
Charlie their newborn. Laughter and tears of relief greeted the beautiful eight-pound baby boy.
“Congratulations! Your life will never be the same,” Dr. Tyson said, handing Charlie the
scissors to cut the cord.
No truer words had ever been spoken.
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– Chapter 38 –
“Charlie wanted to take Thomas to a Red Sox game tonight. He really went all out for
birthdays. He only lived in Boston for five years, but the Green Monster was in his heart forever,”
Carrie said through her tears as Thomas ate his cake and ice cream.
“Since you mentioned it,” Michael began as he took out a business-sized envelope, “Charlie
gave me this two weeks before he died. It’s tickets to next weekend’s Red Sox series at Fenway. He
asked me if Roger and I could take him. You know, kind of like a guys’ weekend. Roger generously
has offered to pay for the airfare, and I can pay for the hotel. I know Charlie had hoped to do this
himself, but he got these shortly after his recurrence.”
Carrie stared at the tickets. Her heart was pounding in her chest. It was like Charlie was
standing there with them. “Excuse me. I’ll be back in a, oh, give me a few minutes.”
Carrie dashed off to her bedroom and opened Charlie’s closet. Right away seeing all of
Charlie’s clothes overwhelmed her. She had been putting off cleaning out the closet for weeks. But
now she was looking for two particular items. When she found them, she rushed back to the party.
“Thomas Gabriel, you know your dad wanted to take you to a Red Sox game tonight. He
loved the idea of showing you Boston and Fenway Park. But when he got sick again and knew he
may not be there, I mean here, to take you, he asked Michael to take you. You’ll be going next week
with Michael and Roger. He, your dad, got tickets for all three games.”
“Oh my gosh! Really? This is so cool!”
Suddenly Thomas’ exuberance was tempered with a sad realization.
“I wish Daddy was here to take me. I mean, I love Uncle Michael and Uncle Roger, but…”
“Hey, Thomas, T.G., I know that. I don’t ever want to replace you Dad. I’m the ‘cool uncle’,
and that’s all I ever want to be. Your dad did want us to do fun stuff together though. He didn’t
want you to miss out on stuff like this.”
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“Your Uncle Michael is right. I, um, thought you’d like to have this for the games. Your dad
would be proud to have you wear it.” Carrie handed her on Charlie’s beleaguered but beloved Red
Sox cap and jersey that had Wallace and the number 18 on the back. Carrie had given it to Charlie
for his 18th birthday. She also had a 2004 World Series sweatshirt that Charlie had planned to give
Thomas on his birthday.
“Wow! Thanks, Momma, I mean Mom.” Now that Charlie’s boy was ten years old, he
wanted to sound more grown up. But he had not grown up too much so as to not hug his mother
and kiss her on the cheek.
***
Peter Darce paced the length of the restaurant floor. His heart thumped hard against his
chest. He stopped pacing long enough to straighten his tie. Where was she? Celina said that Liza
had found the last clue at Carrie’s house about 30 minutes ago. “So, where could she be? Maybe
she’s had car trouble. No, she would have called me. Or would she? What if it’s an accident?”
Peter shook his head. No, he was overreacting. This was a dumb idea, but Channing Sturgis,
WRDM’s overnight disc jockey, said this was how he had done it, and he was married now, what,
thirty-nine years?
He turned and headed to the jukebox. Just before he went to put a quarter’s worth of
nickels in the slot, Liza opened the door. She looked beautiful with her auburn hair in a single braid
and her blue flowered dress.
“Peter Darce, what is going on? I have been driving all around the city and to Carrie’s house
twice already. Will you please tell me what is going on?”
“I’m the one who is supposed to be asking the questions, Elizabeth Marie.”
Liza blushed at the sound of her given name – so much so that she failed to notice Peter
drop to one knee as the song “I Love the Way You Love Me” began to play on the jukebox.
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“Elizabeth Marie, sweet Liza, you have captured my heart… what a minute, that sounds
really corny.”
“Pete, what are you…”
“Hush! I can do this. Liza, my heart never knew love until I met you. I didn’t think it
existed. You are my best friend, my soul mate. I want to spend every day and night loving you and
protecting the heart you gave me. I want you and Josh to be mine forever. Will you, will you marry
me?”
Liza buried her face in her hands and cried tears of joy. Peter knelt there waiting for an
answer to his question.
“Liza. Liza, what’s your answer?”
Liza burst out laughing, and she knelt down next to him. She wrapped her arms around him
and whispered her reply. “Yes, Pete. Oh yes.”
Peter slipped the ring on her finger and kissed her passionately. Liza, after the kiss, stared
at the ring. It was a simple gold band with a half-carat princess cut diamond.
“I would have given you the Hope Diamond if I could, but this ring seemed more like you. I
want you to know I did this right. I asked your mother and Josh for their blessings. I want, if you’ll
let me, to adopt Joshua. Then I want to make babies of our own with you. But what I want most is
to make you happy.
“Pete, you are an amazing man. I’m so blessed to have you.”
“We both are blessed,” Peter said, pulling her closely for another kiss.
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– Chapter 39 –
Carrie had decided the best way to keep busy on Charlie’s birthday would be to take the
kids to the nearest Target for back-to-school shopping. While the oldest three wore uniforms, Ben
would need some clothes for his first year of preschool. As a June birthday, Carrie didn’t think Ben
was ready for school the year before. Then with Charlie becoming so sick again, Carrie was glad
Ben was home with her. She didn’t have the luxury of having extra time on her hands to allow all
kinds of thoughts in her head.
They all needed shoes, except Baby Cate, who spent most of the shopping trip staring at all
the bright colors that filled the shelves of the store. She was enchanted. As Carrie finally boxed up
the last pair of shoes and put them in the cart, she was surprised to see Marilyn walking down the
aisle. Like Carrie, she too had a cart.
“Carrie, hello dear. My goodness, that’s quite a cartful. Hi kids! Thomas, that was a
wonderful picture you sent us when you were in Boston. Pop-Pop would have loved to join you, but
my son Caleb’s daughter was getting baptized in Baltimore. Time does seem to fly, wouldn’t you
say, Carrie?”
Carrie wondered if Marilyn had remembered that it was Charlie’s birthday, but she didn’t
want Marilyn to say anything if she did know. She wanted to keep today as busy as possible so it
would be near impossible for the older ones to remember the significance of this day.
“Now, Carrie. I simply insist that you go through the same line. We can chat as they are
bagging our things.”
Carrie had no choice but to follow Marilyn to the checkout. After about five minutes of
scanning, the pimply-faced cashier asked Marilyn if there was anything else.
“Why yes dear. This entire cart is filled with merchandise. Carrie, love, put everything up
here. Consider this a gift from Mom-Mom. Close you mouth, Carrie, you’ll swallow a moth with
your mouth gaping like that.
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Oh young man, please double bag that, we don’t need those boxes of crayons to fall to the
ground and break. Why yes, that would be nice. Carrie, sweetheart, this gentleman has offered to
take our parcels to our cars. Thank you, er, ah , Luke. This is most kind of you. Here’s my car and
that is my daughter-in-law’s van three spots away.
Oh thank you for putting them in my trunk, and how lovely of you to help Carrie. No, no, I
insist on tipping you. Well, I must certainly reward your steadfast service to all of your customers.
Pish-posh! That is not nearly enough! Here, take this $20, I insist. You’re most worthy of it
for a job well done. Thank you again, Luke. We’ll be back to shop here again. You can be sure of it.
Carrie, dear, I know this has to be a difficult day for you. Would you like to come to dinner
at our house? Thomas is grilling chicken on that giant grill of his.”
They were standing by Carrie’s van. The kids were busy chattering about who had the
coolest shoes and how lucky Ben was not to have to wear a uniform everyday. Cate kept looking at
her siblings, awestruck with their conversation.
“Marilyn, that is very thoughtful of you, but I think that the kids and I need to be home
tonight. I already have dinner prepped. But thank you, Marilyn; it’s very thoughtful of you. And
you didn’t have to buy my cart filled with everything; that was extremely generous.”
Marilyn took Carrie’s hand, kissed it, and looked at Carrie through tearful eyes.
“Carrie, I made a lot of foolish mistakes when you and Charlie were engaged and then again
when you were first married. I tried to get you to be someone you’re not, wanting to take you
shopping or to the spa. I knew you weren’t that kind of person. Charlie would never have married
you if you were anything like me.
When Charlie got cancer again, and we knew he was not going to make it, I knew our
relationship had to change.”
“Your relationship with Charlie?” Carrie was confused.
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“No, this relationship. Ours. I wanted our relationship to be of friendship and support. My
own daughter and I are estranged. Nicole resented it when I divorced her father, and twenty-five
years later she still does. I want to be your friend, Carrie. I want you to come to me if you need to
talk or just cry on my shoulder.”
“Marilyn, this is quite a surprise, a good surprise, but a surprise nonetheless. You have
always been a loving grandma, and I thank you for that. I am glad you want to be friends; I want
that, too. I’ll call you soon, and we can have lunch.”
“That would be wonderful. But let me cook. A caterer needs to be catered to once in a
while. Thomas says I have mastered the art of the chicken salad sandwich.” Marilyn chuckled.
“You have yourself a lunch date. I better go. Ben and Cate look tired. Thank you for this,
Marilyn. It means a lot.”
“I just wish I had done this when Charlie was with us. He would have been cheering us on,”
Marilyn said as she started to cry again. Carrie hugged Marilyn and whispered into her shoulder, “I
think he’s up there cheering.”
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– Chapter 40 –
September came to Nashville quickly that year. After a very busy August with birthdays and
catering weddings, not to mention preparing for the start of school, Carrie was glad that September
was going to be quiet and a little less stressful she hoped.
But on that Wednesday after Labor Day when she arrived home with just Baby Cate with
her, she felt the silence of her house seep into her like an unwanted parasite. Cate was sleeping
peacefully in her swing. It had been another sleepless night for Carrie. Cate was teething, and very
little seemed to soothe her. Charlie had always seemed better suited when it came to comforting
the children when they were teething or sick. Carrie’s mother stopped nurturing, stopped existing
really, when Gabriel died, and sometimes Carrie wished it had been her mother who died and not
her father. Of course, after her mother’s suicide, she painfully regretted those thoughts.
With Cate peacefully sleeping and about two hours before she needed to pick up Ben at
preschool, Carrie decided to try and get some sleep. Sleep had been so elusive since Charlie died.
Carrie told family and friends her lack of sleep was because of her still nursing Cate and attending
to her needs, but the fact of the matter was much more complex than just being a mother of five.
Carrie was still profoundly grieving Charlie. She would sometimes just sit in Charlie’s closet and
wrap one of his old shirts around her as if it was Charlie himself holding her close. Other times she
would watch home movies and lose herself in a happier time when Charlie was alive and healthy –
when cancer was just a disease.
As Carrie lay on the couch in the family room, she just gazed at Cate swinging back and forth
in her swing. Cate was her saving grace; all of the children were during this awful time. She
thanked God often for their laughter, the sticky hands that held hers during dinner prayer, and their
presence.
She had promised herself, everyone actually, that she would not give into the grief; that she
would not allow herself to surrender to its pull. Perhaps this was why she rarely slept or even
stayed in her own bed. She didn’t want to end up like her own mother who let her grief become like
a second skin, only to shed both when she killed herself.
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Once again the idea of sleep was just that, and Carrie got up off the couch; she stretched and
headed to the kitchen. Just then the phone rang, its shrillness made her jump. Now where was the
phone? Michael had called late last night, and Carrie thought she had put it back on its charger, but
it was not there. So Carrie searched more. After the fifth ring, then answering machine kicked on,
stopping Carrie from moving toward the bookshelf where the phone was.
“Hello, you have reached the Wallace family answering machine. We are too busy being a
family to take your call right now. So please leave your name, number, and a brief message and we
will return your call or leave you a message. God bless.”
Charlie. His voice. Charlie’s voice. She had forgotten about the answering machine. No one
left a message so Carrie just played Charlie’s voice over and over again. Tears filled her eyes, and
after the seventh time playing it, she stopped and just stared at the machine.
“Charlie! Oh Charlie! Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me here with these five
young children? Oh God how I miss you. Charlie! This house is so silent, so vacant. It used to be
filled with your love, your laughter. The silence is choking me, Charlie.”
***
Charlie’s voice on the answering machine occupied her thoughts. She played the message
several times a day and at night when the children were asleep.
Sleep – Carrie could barely even say the word, let alone actually follow through with doing
it. She spent the overnight hours baking cookies, making bread, and trying out new recipes and
freezing the results. When she wasn’t in the kitchen, Carrie was busy filling a scrapbook of Baby
Cate’s first months with pictures. She wrote caption after caption, creating a world of happiness
and wonderful memories that Cate would look upon with fondness, that Cate would cherish one
day.
Carrie did try to sleep sometimes. She would take a long hot shower or soak in a tub filled
with lit and surrounded with aromatherapy candles. But once she was in the bed, she tried to avoid
Charlie’s side of the bed. She stared at the ceiling, tried to listen to classical music, tried to sleep.
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But sleep would not come. Her eyes were wide open, and her brain felt crowded with so many
thoughts.
Insomnia. It had plagued her after Charlie was diagnosed with cancer the first time. So
much so that her physician recommended and later prescribed sleeping pills. Carrie did not want
to take sleeping pills again. She would have to stop nursing Cate, and that would devastate her.
But Carrie knew this insomnia was not healthy. She caught herself before she would lash
out at one of the twins for leaving her markers on the table or for Ben using too much toilet paper.
She knew that her backaches and decreased appetite were becoming daily parts of her life because
of the insomnia. Carrie knew that soon her mental health would also be hanging by a thread.
So Carrie vowed that tonight would be the night she slept more than her usual snatches of
fifteen minutes here and there. But the sorrow crept in, the loneliness like a layer of ice on her
heart led her back to the kitchen. Charlie’s death had a vise grip on Carrie and was not about to let
go.
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