48 Year-Old Culturally Jewish (But Not Practicing) Bacon-Lover Seeks
Woman for a Long-Term Relationship
Robin Bergart
rbergart@uoguelph.ca
Association of Canadian Jewish Studies
About Me
Yes, I'm bald, and I like it. I'm smart, employed, a cat and dog owner and a
mensch. I'm a monogamist, perhaps a bit of a romantic. Being Canadian, I
love the outdoors, camping, hiking, canoeing and ... bacon. That said, I'm
not much of a hockey fan. Truth, laughter, honest communication and play
fuel my heart. I made up a word, want to hear it? Its "automitzvah'ication ",
which I define as "doing the right/good thing for yourself.Okay, you've read
this far ... might as well put both feet in my mouth. I'm a huge believer in
the power of humour. I love a good laugh and take pleasure if both giving
and receiving. I'm awesome at massage and ... ah ... I'm great at heating
up President's Choice.
This is Matthew416’s profile on the Jewish online dating site JDate. He is a selfdescribed Culturally Jewish but not practicing 48-year old separated Ashkenazi
man from Toronto. He grew up in the UK, never attends synagogue and—no
surprise here—does not keep kosher. He’s looking for a woman for a date,
friendship, long-term relationship or activity partner, and he prefers if she is
Culturally Jewish but not practicing, Reform, or from Another Stream of Judaism.
JDate is a Jewish online dating site where, for $36.99 for a one month membership,
singles post their picture and profile with the hope of connecting with a compatible
match, soul mate or bashert. JDate is one of the first and largest so-called “niche”
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dating sites established in 1997 and described by Coleman and Bahnan as having
“a virtual lock on Jewish dating online” (Coleman & Bahnan 2009). The “About
Us” page on the website claims there are “hundreds of thousands of members
worldwide.” Around 10,000 members are actively logged in at any one time.
JDate describes its mission “to strengthen the Jewish community and ensure that
Jewish traditions are sustained for generations to come. To accomplish this we
provide a global network where Jewish singles find friendship, romance and lifelong partners within their faith.”
Like all online dating sites, JDate provides a questionnaire which you must fill out
to create an online profile. It asks about your appearance, lifestyle, personality,
interests, and ideal match. In addition, JDate also asks about your Jewish
background and practice.
In the book, Racialized politics of desire in personal ads, personal ads and online
dating profiles are described as “radical narratives, self-consciously crafted
autobiographies, and speculative biographies…that temporarily construct one
moment of an identity” (Lester & Goggin 2007). I set out to investigate member
profiles on JDate in this light to discover what they can tell us about how
contemporary Canadian Jews present themselves and construct and describe one
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moment of their Jewish identity. Is there anything distinctive about the way
Canadian Jews present themselves? Are there differences in the expression of
Jewish identity correlating with sex, age, or where you live in Canada? Which
aspects of Jewish identity are revealed and which are concealed? How are Jewish
stereotypes played against or embraced? How truthful are self-representations?
And how do the conventions and constraints of the JDate website shape how users
present themselves?
I randomly selected 440 profiles, half male, half female from 11 Canadian cities
including Halifax, Montreal, Ottawa, Kingston, Toronto, Hamilton, KitchenerWaterloo, Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver. The average age of the
JDate profiles I analyzed was 40 for men and 39 for women. The youngest was 18,
the eldest 80. I did a content analysis of these profiles focusing on four sections
from the JDate questionnaire that relate to Jewish identity: kashrut observance,
frequency of synagogue attendance, ethnicity and religious background. Members
respond to these questions by selecting from one of several possible choices.
Kashrut options are: You keep kosher at home only, at home and outside, not at
all, or to some degree.
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Synagogue attendance choices include: You go to synagogue every Shabbat, on
High Holidays, never, sometimes, on some Shabbats, or will tell you later.
The possible responses for ethnicity are: Ashkenazi, Mixed Ethnic, Another
Ethnic, Sephardic, or Will tell you later.
The possible responses for religious background are: Reform, Conservative,
Orthodox (Frum), Orthodox (Baal Teshuva), Modern Orthodox, Traditional,
Conservadox, Hasidic, Reconstructionist, Another Stream of Judaism, Culturally
Jewish but not Practicing, Willing to convert, Not sure if I’m willing to convert
and Not willing to convert. Since I was interested in self-presentations of Jewish
identity, I excluded from my sample people who chose willing to convert, not sure
if I’m willing to convert and not willing to convert.
By asking these questions, and not others, the JDate website intimates which
aspects of Jewish identity matter when searching for a life partner. Why are there
questions about kashrut and synagogue attendance but no questions, for example,
about Jewish education, commitment to Israel, or involvement in Jewish
organizations? JDate also determines the universe of possible answers to its
required questions, imposing its own categories of identity on its members. On
JDate you cannot identify as, say, a Secular Humanist Jew, or as a Reform Jew and
a Traditional Jew as you can only select one response. The question of religious
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background is itself somewhat ambiguous, as it is unclear if this refers to the
religious environment in which you grew up or to your current affiliation. For
example, I might describe my religious background as Conservative but my current
status as Culturally Jewish but not practicing, though in fact I see myself as not
quite fitting either of these categories. As for ethnicity, I saw evidence that some
JDate members are not familiar with the terms Ashkenazi and Sephardic and so
responded “Will tell you later” if they did not know which category applied to
them.
The impact of the questionnaire structure on self-presentation has been pointed out
in the literature. Webb writes “The check box categories limit the user to the
identity categories that society deems ‘important’—race, gender, height, and
income…The user may then be influenced by these categories when writing his
own profile because, as we see, many of those categories end up in their narrative
descriptions of themselves” (Webb 2008). So while we may learn something about
how Canadian Jews express their Jewish identity, it is with the caveat that these
presentations are influenced and constrained by the design of the JDate
questionnaire. Members are freer to express themselves, however, in the “About
Me” essay section of the profile where they can provide a fuller description. I also
scanned these mini-autobiographical essays for Jewish content.
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Before I tell you what I learned about how Canadian Jews present their Jewish
identities on JDate, I will give you some background on the academic literature
about the presentation of self on the Internet. It’s useful to know what the research
says about how identity is expressed in the virtual world, and how much it can be
trusted to reflect the real person behind that identity.
Most of the work that has been done in the past twenty years on online identities
focuses on self-presentation in online chat rooms and multi-user games. In these
contexts, the main issue is how people explore new identities or manipulate false
identities under the veil of anonymity. More recently, in the past 7 or 8 years, there
has been a growing body of literature exploring the negotiation of identity and the
presentation of the self on online dating sites. This literature draws on Carl Rogers’
1951 theory of the ‘true’ self and Erving Goffman’s 1959 book The Presentation of
Self in Everyday Life as starting points to understanding the presentation of self on
the Internet. Their work showed that we all have multiple perceptions of the self.
The ‘true self’ is my private inner identity which is never fully expressed to others.
The ‘actual self’ is the me I present to others. The ‘possible self’ or ‘ideal self’ is
how I would like to be seen by others and how I wish to become. The ‘ought self’
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is the me I believe I should or ought to be. So which self do people present on
online dating sites—the true self, actual self, possible, or ought self?
Contrary to what you might guess, the research shows that users of online dating
sites are quite careful to present what they consider to be a fair representation of
themselves, that is, they take pains to present the true or inner self. The reason for
this is that the ultimate goal of online dating is to meet offline and form a
relationship in the real world. Presenting a misleading profile is counter-productive
to this aim. Zhao indicates that “identities produced on Internet dating sites were
found to be quite realistic and honest as users wanted to avoid unpleasant surprises
in subsequent offline meetings” (Zhao, et al. 2008). However, online daters
recognize that online dating is a marketplace where they are the product, so they
want to paint themselves in the very best light. To some extent they present a
version of their ‘ideal self’—how they aspire to become in the future and how they
wish to be seen by others. This is called ‘impression management’ which is the
strategic construction of a better, idealized picture of the self. Whitty and Johnson
write about the “BAR or Balance between an Attractive and a Real Self Theory
which recognizes that individuals are strategic when they construct their profiles.
This theory suggests the best strategy to employ is to present a balance between the
‘attractive self’ and a ‘real self’; that is to make one’s profile stand out and appear
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unique and interesting but also to be a profile that individuals can live up to in the
first FtF encounter” (Whitty & Joinson 2009, 82). If this sounds somewhat
disingenuous, in fact, people who post an idealized version of themselves strive
harder towards becoming this person so that the ideal or possible self presented
online becomes closer to the true self. In an article on managing impressions
online, Ellison, Heino, & Gibbs write that online daters “balance their desire for
self-promotion with their need for accurate self-presentation” and that filling in a
profile initiates a “process of self-growth as they strive to close the gap between
actual and ideal self.” The bottom line is that we can be reasonably confident that
the profiles on online dating sites are reliable and honest self-portraits as the desire
to present an enhanced or embellished profile is tempered by the need to present
one’s true or authentic self if one is to achieve intimacy off-line.
So how are contemporary Canadian Jews presenting their Jewish identity on
JDate? Here is what I found. In my sample of 440, altogether 312 JDate users
identified their ethnicity as Ashkenazi, 21 Sephardi, 39 Mixed Ethnic, and 13
Another Ethnic. Only one person identified their religious background as Orthodox
(Baal Teshuva). This is not surprising as there are other niche dating sites such as
SawYoutAtSinai or Frumster which cater specifically to the Orthodox community.
Four selected Reconstructionist, 10 Another Stream of Judaism, 15 Modern
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Orthodox, 24 Conservadox, 71 Reform, 77 Traditional, 108 Culturally Jewish but
not practicing and 140 Conservative.
There were slightly fewer JDate users who reported that they keep kosher to some
degree or at home only (190) than those who don’t keep kosher at all (240). Only 9
reported that they keep kosher at home and outside. 180 said they attend
synagogue only on the High Holidays. 153 said that they go to synagogue
sometimes or on some Shabbats. 12 go every Shabbat and only 56 never attend
synagogue. There does not seem to be any correlation between religious
background and the practice of kashrut or synagogue attendance. For example,
those who describe themselves as Conservative or Conservadox are just as likely to
attend synagogue only on High Holidays and to keep kosher only to some degree
as those who describe themselves as Culturally Jewish but not practicing. Even
among the 15 Modern Orthodox and one Orthodox (Ba’al Teshuva) members, only
four keep kosher inside and outside the home and five attend synagogue every
Shabbat. I could not discern any significant patterns in responses based on sex,
age, or geographical location, though perhaps a future study with a bigger sample
size might uncover some trends.
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When I looked at the autobiographical essays I found Jewish identity referenced in
only 17% of the profiles I analyzed. These references included the use of Yiddish
words and expressions like meshuga, bashert, Bubbie, and mensch and neologisms
like goodnick, automizvah’ication, and shebrew. These words were usually used in
a light-hearted, humorous way to signal communication to an in-group of people
who will understand and appreciate their meaning, for example, a 34 year old man
from Vancouver wrote “I have been told I am one of the most handsome men on
the planet (Thanks Bubbie!).” Other profiles referenced Jewish culture and religion
such as Fiddler on the Roof, Rabbi Akiva, the Talmud, Yiddishkeit, Tikkun Olam,
kashrut, Israel, Jewish cooking, music, and holidays. A few members positively
and even joyously affirmed their Jewish identity in their profile. One member
wrote “I love being Jewish and dancing in the pouring rain.” Another wrote “I am
looking for a beautiful Jewish woman so I can be a beautiful Jewish man. I am a
proud Jew trying to be my best person.” Some overtly mentioned the importance of
meeting a “nice Jewish girl” of “building a warm, strong Jewish family” or
“expanding my Jewish social network.”
In other profiles, Jewish identity was expressed with discomfort or ambivalence
couched in self-deprecating humour. A 44 year old man from Calgary wrote “I
must admit that I don’t believe that I’ve ever dated a Jewish girl before (when it
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asked for ethnicity, I must admit that I have NO idea—I guess I’m not a very good
little Jewish kid!!). I was playing tennis with a high school friend that recently
married. I asked him where he met his wife and it was JDate, so here I am. (My
parents would be so proud of me).” A few members were almost apologetic about
their Jewish identity or their desire to meet a Jewish match. A 32 year old man
from Toronto wrote “Raised in Thornhill, went to Western (please no comments),
and now live in downtown Toronto. I am not your typical Thornhill Jewish boy,
nor your typical Forest Hill or York Mills Jewish boy...At the end of the day my
perfect match is someone I think about in the morning, noon and night, and
someone I look forward to thinking about, speaking to and seeing, someone I can
laugh with, cry with and someone I can have fun with. Basically someone that is
Jewish to please my parents but acts nothing like a typical Jewish girl to please
me.” And a 32 year old Kingston woman wrote succinctly, “Does saying that I am
a nice Jewish girl work for or against me?”
Anecdotally, I know some JDate members who posted their profile on JDate in
spite of the fact that it’s a Jewish site. They pointed to the “quality” of singles they
meet on JDate—people with whom they are more intellectually and culturally
compatible than the people they’ve found on other dating sites. One member told
me he was using another dating site without much luck until, as he put it, “A friend
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said if you want to meet cosmopolitan, intellectual people like yourself, get off
Match.com and try JDate.” Another member told me he felt somewhat fraudulent
posting his profile on JDate because “I was presenting a Jewish identity I don’t
really have. I did wonder if I met someone on JDate would they have more
Judaism than I was prepared to accept?”
JDate profiles hint at the complexity of Jewish identity in Canada today. Many
members described themselves as non-practicing and most make no further
mention of Jewish identity in their autobiographical essay. Some were expressly
ambivalent about their identity. All of this begs the question: why are these
Canadian Jews using JDate at all? We know that rates of intermarriage are high
and my data do not point to strong Jewish affiliation with respect to Jewish
practice—so what is motivating these Canadian Jews to seek out other Jews
online?
According to the research, the two most significant determinants of attraction
between people using online dating sites are proximity and familiarity, which
means people tend to seek out others in the same city and with the same
demographics, attitudes and values (Fiore & Donath 2004). JDate provides that
sense of community and familiarity that appeals to many people even if they are
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not strongly affiliated Jews or indeed are grappling with their Jewish identity.
Niche dating sites like JDate are attractive because as Coleman and Bahnan write
when you join “there is already a sense that you belong to a group...there is a sense
that it is safer, and people let their guard down” (Coleman & Bahnan). The man
who was advised by his friend to try JDate to find his intellectual match was not
misguided. There is evidence that JDate users have a higher income and more
education compared to general Internet users (Blake 2007).
When someone signs onto a dating site, they are signalling the desire to make a
fresh start with a new person, whether that is for friendship, dating, or marriage.
Online dating sites capture a time in people’s lives when their sense of themselves
may have changed or be changing as they leave a past relationship in pursuit of a
new one. Especially after separation, divorce, or widowhood, taking this step is an
opportunity for people to think about who they are and what kind of person they
would like to be with. Writing and constructing an online profile can provoke
deeper self-reflection and self-awareness. It’s not uncommon to read a profile that
reveals a bit of the struggle behind this reflection, such as this one from a 32 year
old man from Winnipeg: “It's rare for a heb to be stuck for words but alas I am
drawing a blank when it comes to writing something 'catchy' for this little bio.”
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The very decision to use a niche dating site such as JDate is an expression of
identification with a particular group—in this case with Jews. The questionnaire
and autobiographical essay confront users with questions they may not have
consciously considered before. Questions with a limited number of responses to
choose from force users to make choices about their identities even if none of the
response might exactly fit. Online daters change and “update” their profile based
on how others are responding (or not responding) to their profile. In fact, JDate,
like other online dating sites encourages members to refresh their profile
periodically to better reflect their most current image and to attract more attention
by appearing active on the site. An article about JDate in Lilith magazine provides
this example: “Debby feels she learned a lot just by filling out her JDate profile.
‘It had been a long time since I’d thought about myself, who I was, what I
wanted…writing my profile raised my self-esteem…it helped me remember who I
am.”
I just want to share one humorous profile I came across that demonstrates that not
every profile posted on JDate is the result of great personal reflection. A 61 year
old woman from Hamilton wrote:
If you have children....I think you'll appreciate this "act of love"..... Apparently....I
have been on this dating site for several months.....not sure how many! I didn't
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know about it until THIS MORNING, when I sent an email to my beautiful
daughter, suggesting she perhaps sign up for "J-Date", and meet some 'new' people.
That's when an "interesting return email arrived, telling me that "Hot and Hopeful"
or whatever,....ME,.... .(what a choice of names!) has a profile, password,
username, photo, etc. etc. on J-Date. She was at work, so I couldn't "speak to her"
until a few minutes ago. It seems all three of the kids were in on this because "they
love me, and want me to be happy."
Online dating sites may be having a greater impact on identity and relationships in
the 21st century beyond just spurring individual introspection and influencing how
daters express their own identity. In a classic example of how we shape our
technology and in turn our technology shapes us, researchers Fiore & Donath write
“online personals not only reflect but also have the potential to shape how people
attract one another, date, and fall in love. The design of social systems influences
the beliefs and behaviour of their users. The features of a person that Match.com
presents as salient to romance will begin to have some psychological and cultural
influence if 40 million Americans view them every month.”
The principal aim of this study was a modest one: to explore whether JDate might
be a fruitful source for learning about how Canadian Jews construct and express
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their Jewish identity. To return to one of my initial questions--is there anything
distinctive about the way Canadian Jews describe their Jewish identity--the data I
collected did not reveal any clear trends or allow me to make any general
conclusions. I do however feel that JDate profiles provide fertile ground for further
work, such as a closer exploration into the correlation between age, sex, or
geographical location and how Jewish identity is presented; a comparison between
expressions of Jewish identity in Canadian and other national profiles, or in-depth
interviews with members about whether online dating has had an effect on their
sense of Jewish identity and how they present themselves to others.
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