…the capacity to form and maintain healthy
emotional relationships which generally
begin to develop in early childhood
– Enduring bond with “special” person
– Security & safety within context of this
relationship
– Includes soothing, comfort, & pleasure
– Loss or threat of loss of special person
results in distress
Having close connections is vital to every
aspect of our health – mental,
emotional, and physical.
 Hawkley – U. of Chicago



Calculates that loneliness raises blood pressure to
the point where the risk of heart attack and
stroke is doubled.
House – U. of Michigan
› Emotional isolation is more dangerous health
risk than smoking or high blood pressure.
Patients with congestive heart failure –
the state of their marriage is as good a
predictor of survival after four yeas as the
severity of the symptoms.
 Conflict with and hostile criticism from
loved ones increase our self-doubts and
create a sense of helplessness

› These are classic triggers for depression
› We live in a epidemic of anxiety and
depression

The California Divorce Mediation Project
reported that the most common reason
for divorcing given by close to 80% of all
men and women was gradually growing
apart and losing a sense of closeness,
and not feeling loved and appreciated.
› Severe and intense fighting were endorsed
by only 40% of the couples.
Hundreds of studies now show that
positive loving connections with others
protect us from stress and help us cope
better with life’s challenges and traumas.
 Simply holding the hand of a loving
partner can affect us profoundly

› Research has found that this act literally
calms jittery neurons in the brain.
People we love are “hidden regulators”
of our bodily processes and our
emotional lives.
 In 1939, women ranked love fifth as a
factor in choosing a mate
 By the 1990s, it topped the list for both
women and men.
 College students now say that their key
expectation from marriage is “emotional
security.”

1. Attachment is an innate motivating force
›
›
Seeking and maintaining contact with
significant others is innate.
This occurs throughout the life span.
2. Secure dependency complements
autonomy
›
›
›
›
›
No such thing as complete independence or
overdependency
There is only effective and ineffective
dependence
Secure dependence fosters autonomy and
self-confidence
The more secure attached we are the more
separate and different we can be.
Health means maintaining a felt sense of
interdependency, rather than being selfsufficient and separate from others.
3. Attachment offers a safe haven
›
›
›
The presence of attachment figures
provides comfort and security while
perceived inaccessibility creates distress.
Proximity is the natural antidote to feelings
of anxiety and vulnerability
Positive attachments offers a safe haven
that offer a buffer against effects of stress
and uncertainty.
4. Attachment offers a secure base
›
›
›
Gives base from which individuals can
explore their world and most adaptively
respond to their environment.
Secure base encourages exploration and a
cognitive openness to new information.
When we have this felt security, we are
better able to reach out and offer support
for others.
5. Accessibility and Responsiveness builds
bonds
›
›
›
›
›
›
Building blocks for secure attachment are
emotional accessibility and responsiveness
One can be physically present but emotionally
absent
Emotional engagement and the trust that this
engagement will be there when needed is
most crucial.
Any response, even anger, is better than none.
Emotion is the key.
If there is no engagement, no emotional
responsiveness, then the message is “your
signals do not matter to me and there is no
connection between us.”
6. Fear and uncertainty activate
attachment needs
›
›
When an individual is threatened
attachment needs for comfort and
connection become salient and
compelling, and attachment behaviors are
activated.
Attachment to key others is our primary
protection against feelings of helplessness
and meaningless.
7. The process of separation distress is
predictable
›
›
›
If attachment behaviors fail to evoke
comforting responsiveness and contact
from attachment figures, a predictable
process of protest, clinging, depression and
despair, ending eventually in detachment.
Depression is a natural response to loss of
connection
Anger can be seen as an attempt to make
contact with an inaccessible attachment
figure.
8. Finite number of insecure forms of
engagement can be identified.
›
›
There are a number of ways that we have
to deal with the unresponsiveness of
attachment figures.
Only so many ways of coping from a
negative response to the question “Can I
depend on you when I need you?”
9. Attachment involves working models of
self and others
›
›
Attachment strategies reflect ways of
processing and dealing with emotion
These models of self and others come from
thousands of interactions, and become
expectations and biases that are carried
forward into new relationships.
10. Isolation and loss are inherently
traumatizing
›
›
Attachment theory describes and explores
the trauma of deprivation, loss, rejection,
and abandonment by those we need the
most and the enormous impact it has on us.
These events have a major impact on
personality formation and on a person’s
ability to deal with other stresses in life.

No Connection
› Lack of emotion
› Unresponsive
› Emotionally
unavailable

Connection
› Emotion is key
› Are responsive to
one another
› Are emotionally
available to one
another
Building blocks of a secure bond.
 Partner can be physically present but
emotionally absent.
 Emotional engagement and the trust
that this engagement will be there when
needed is crucial.
 When there is no engagement, no
emotional responsiveness, the message
reads “you don’t matter to me.”


Emotion is central to individuals being
accessible and ‘emotionally’ responsive
to one another
› Any response, even anger, is better than
none.

It is in our closest relationships where our
strongest emotions arise and where they
seem to have most impact
Emotion tells us and communicates to
others what our motivations and needs
are
 They can be seen as the ‘music’ to the
relationship dance

This means staying open to your partner
even when you have doubts and feel
insecure.
 It often means being willing to struggle to
make sense of your emotions so these
emotions are not so overwhelming
 You can then step back from
disconnection and can tune in to your
lover’s attachment cues.

This means tuning into your partner and
showing that his or her emotions have an
impact on you.
 It means accepting and placing a priority
on the emotional signals your partner
conveys and sending clear signals of
comfort and caring when your partner
needs them.
 Sensitive responsiveness always touches us
emotionally and calms us on a physical
level.

The dictionary defines engaged as being
absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated,
pledged, involved.
 Emotional engagement means the very
special kinds of attention that we give
only to a loved one.
 We gaze at them longer, touch them
more.
 Often we talk of this as being
“emotionally present.”


In these moments of safe attunement
and connection
› Both partners can hear each other’s
attachment cry and respond with soothing
care,
› Forging a new bond that can withstand
differences, wounds, and the test of time.

Often found in small moments of time
› Its in these moments of safe connection that
change everything
› They provide a reassuring answer to the
question “are you there for me”
› Once partners know how to speak to their
need and bring each other close, every trial
they face together simply makes their love
stronger.
These moments of connections create
new patterns in the relationship – a new
dance
 If you know your loved one is there and
will come when you call, you are more
confident of your worth and your value.
 The world is less intimidating when you
have another to count on and you know
that you are not alone.


Vulnerability  Compassion
› One becomes vulnerable and the other
responds with compassion.

Vulnerability  Vulnerability
› One becomes vulnerable and the other
responds with becoming vulnerable as well.
Susan Johnson
 Leslie Greenberg


EFT is collaborative combining
Experimental and Rogerian techniques
with Structural systemic interventions.
EFT is based on clear, explicit
conceptualizations of relationship distress
and adult love.
 These conceptualizations are supported
by empirical research on the nature of
marital distress and adult attachment.
 Key moves and moments in the change
process have been mapped into nine
steps and three change events.

To expand and re-organize key
emotional responses–the music of the
attachment dance.
 To create a shift in partners' interactional
positions and develop new cycles of
interaction.
 To foster the creation of a secure bond
between partners.

Relationship distress is maintained by
absorbing negative affect.
 Affect reflects and primes rigid,
constricted patterns of interaction.
 Patterns make safe emotional
engagement difficult and create
insecure bonding.


Rigid repetitive interactional patterns:
› No exits – no detours/ repair impossible
› Rigid narrow positions – fight/flight/freeze
› Most common patterns
 Criticize, complain, express contempt
 Defend, distance, stonewall
Results: self reinforcing cycles or
reactivity/self protective strategies
Partners cannot attune to one another
because they are so absorbed in their own
negative affect
 Cannot communicate because of their own
state.


Gottman 1979 – absorbing states of negative
affect: everything leads in, nothing leads out.
70 – 73% recovery rate in 10-12 sessions.
 Two-year follow- up on relationship
distress, depression, and parental stress –
results stable – 60% continue to improve.
 Depression significantly reduced.
 Best predictor of success – female faith in
partner’s caring (Not initial distress level).


Looks within at how partners construct
their emotional experience of
relatedness

Looks between at how partners engage
each other.

Experiential
› Present
› Primary Affect

Systemic
› Process (time)
› Positions / Patterns

The counselor is a process consultant

Present experience
› Deal with the past when it comes into the
present to validate client’s responses as it
relates to how they coped/survived
› When emotion is re-experienced it is now in
the present
› Focus is on current positions/patterns
› Don’t ask “why”, focus on what is.

Primary emotions
› Validating and moving from secondary to
primary emotions
› Stay with emotions, create safe haven
› Organize the emotion of a past experience
so that client can engage in the here & now

Process patterns
› Look individually how each person is
processing in the moment
› “What happens…then what…then what”

Positions
› The position each partner is taking in the
relationship
› Work to create new position & new patterns
Stage 1: De-escalation
 Stage 2: Restructuring the Bond
 Stage 3: Consolidation

Steps 1 – 4 Assessment & Cycle De-escalation
1.
Alliance & assessment: Creating an
alliance and delineating conflict issues in
the core attachment struggle.

What are they fighting about and how are
they related to core attachment issues.
Steps 1 – 4 Assessment & Cycle De-escalation
2. Identify the negative interaction cycle, and
each partner’s position in that cycle.

Goal is to see the cycle in action and then
identify and describe it to the couple and
work to stop it.
Steps 1 – 4 Assessment & Cycle De-escalation
3. Access unacknowledged emotions
underlying interactional positions.
 Goal is to help each partner to access and
accept their unacknowledged feelings that
are influencing their behavior.
› Both partners are to reprocess and crystallize their
own experience in the relationship so that they
can become emotionally open to the other
person.
Steps 1 – 4 Assessment & Cycle De-escalation
4. Reframe the problem in terms of underlying
feelings, attachment needs, and negative
cycle.

The cycle is framed as the common enemy
(externalizing the problem) and the source
of the partner’s emotional deprivation and
distress.
Steps 5 – 7 Changing Interactional Positions and creating
new
bonding events
5. Promote identification with disowned
attachment emotions, needs, and aspects
of self, and integrate these into relationship
interactions.
 Goal is to help the couple redefine their
experiences in terms of their
unacknowledged emotional needs.
Steps 5 – 7 Changing Interactional Positions and creating
new
bonding events
6. Promote acceptance of the other partner’s
experiences and new interactional
responses.
 Goal is to work to get each partner to
accept, believe, and trust that what the
other partner is describing in terms of
underlying emotional needs is accurate.
Steps 5 – 7 Changing Interactional Positions and creating
new
bonding events
7. Facilitate the expression of needs and
wants and create emotional engagement
and bonding events that redefine the
attachment between the partners.
 Goal is to help couple learn to express their
emotional needs and wants directly and
create emotional engagement.
Steps 8 – 9 Consolidation/Integration
8. Facilitating the emergence of new solutions
to old relationship problems.
 Without the old negative interaction style
and with the new emotional connection
and attachment, it is easier to develop new
solutions to old problems.
Steps 8 – 9 Consolidation/Integration
9. Consolidating new positions and new
cycles of attachment behaviors.

Help couple clearly see and articulate the
old and new ways of interacting to help the
couple avoid falling back into the old
interactional cycle.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Develop an alliance, identify cycle, identify
and access underlying emotions, and work
to deescalate
Engage the withdrawer
Soften the pursuer/blamer
Create new emotional bonding events and
new cycles of interaction
Consolidate new cycles of trust, connection
and safety, and apply them to old problems
that may still be relevant





Johnson, S.M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for
a Lifetime of Love. New York: Little Brown.
Johnson, S.M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused
Marital Therapy: Creating Connection. New York: Bruner /
Routledge.
Johnson, S.M., Bradley, B., Furrow, J., Lee, A., Palmer, G.,
Tilley, D., & Woolley, S. (2005) Becoming an Emotionally
Focused Couples Therapist : A Work Book. N.Y. Brunner
Routledge.
Johnson, S.M. & Whiffen, V. (2003). Attachment Processes in
Couples and Families. Guilford Press.
Johnson, S.M. (2002). Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy
with Trauma Survivors: Strengthening Attachment Bonds.
Guilford Press.